1 00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:05,329 OLDER TED: This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009, 2 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:10,575 and one seven years earlier. 3 00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:14,135 In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same. 4 00:00:18,585 --> 00:00:21,952 Until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different 5 00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,389 because it was exactly the same. 6 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,957 I was on a blind date with the same woman 7 00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:31,189 I went on a blind date with seven years earlier. 8 00:00:31,898 --> 00:00:33,422 - Ted? - Jen? 9 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:34,694 It's nice to meet you. 10 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:37,532 OLDER TED: And she didn't remember it. But then again... 11 00:00:37,604 --> 00:00:39,094 It's nice to meet you, too. 12 00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:40,161 OLDER TED: ... neither did I. 13 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,639 - Do you want to? - Yeah. 14 00:00:55,155 --> 00:01:00,149 Guess who just got four tickets to the Origins of Chewbacca Star Wars exhibit? 15 00:01:00,226 --> 00:01:02,592 - Why? - No, I said, "Guess who?" 16 00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:03,686 I heard you. 17 00:01:03,763 --> 00:01:06,129 Yeah, isn't it a little early in our relationship 18 00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:08,292 to do something that would end our relationship? 19 00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:09,835 What? No, what are you talking about? 20 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,871 It can be our first double date as couples! 21 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,997 And plus, it sounds awesome! 22 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,541 Is the original Chewbacca going to be there? 23 00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:19,840 Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me? 24 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,507 Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee-to-English dictionaries there? 25 00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:25,016 I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful. 26 00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:29,386 We're not going to the Origins of Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall. 27 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:33,182 It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that. 28 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,284 I just wanted to get rid of the girls. 29 00:01:35,361 --> 00:01:37,090 Where are you taking me, Barney? 30 00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:40,064 OLDER TED: This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us. 31 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:45,535 Wait a second. The Origins of Chewbacca exhibit's in Montreal this year. 32 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:46,902 Everyone knows that. 33 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,107 Where are you taking me? 34 00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:53,874 My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. 35 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,744 But we're still stopping for chili dogs first. 36 00:01:55,815 --> 00:01:57,339 Stop the cab. 37 00:01:57,417 --> 00:01:59,112 Where are you taking me? 38 00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:01,951 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 39 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:05,548 Barney, why are we here? 40 00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,991 Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, 41 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:11,155 I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily. 42 00:02:11,231 --> 00:02:13,893 - Thanks, man. - You're a terrible couple. 43 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,628 Lily has taken all the man out of you. 44 00:02:15,702 --> 00:02:17,567 I used to think that's just every relationship. 45 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:20,902 But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend 46 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:24,671 and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time. 47 00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:27,440 Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here, 48 00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,141 she would be completely fine with it? 49 00:02:29,215 --> 00:02:32,582 Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles 50 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,246 and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show. 51 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:37,448 B t dub, I called ahead, it's lime. 52 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,424 OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Jen and I were in my favorite first date restaurant 53 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:43,792 for the second time. 54 00:02:43,863 --> 00:02:48,232 - So, Jen, what do you do? - I'm between jobs. Banking crisis. 55 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:51,395 I'm between jobs. Internet bubble burst. 56 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:56,170 Makes me realize I should go into something more stable, like banking. 57 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,034 - So, what about you? - I'm an architect. 58 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,637 Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush 59 00:03:01,714 --> 00:03:04,740 on the masterpiece that is Manhattan's skyline. 60 00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:07,853 I teach architecture. 61 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:11,413 Get 50% off at the bookstore, so that's pretty sweet. 62 00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:16,225 Married! 63 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:18,230 What is wrong with you? 64 00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:21,734 You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. 65 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,702 It's harmless. Wait. 66 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:27,797 Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women. 67 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,364 I do! 68 00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:33,369 - It's just not that easy. - False. 69 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:38,179 I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mud flaps. 70 00:03:38,251 --> 00:03:40,412 Took me less than a mile. 71 00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:42,511 Not everyone is you, okay, Barney? 72 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:45,149 Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that, 73 00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:48,284 it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty. 74 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:51,421 So, first, I need to have a different fantasy. 75 00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:53,958 (HICCUPS) 76 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:03,031 Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder 77 00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:04,906 that's apparently medically legitimate. 78 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,071 What? How could this be? 79 00:04:07,146 --> 00:04:10,582 Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have. 80 00:04:11,951 --> 00:04:13,077 (HICCUPS) 81 00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,619 (CRYING SOFTLY) 82 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,320 (HICCUPS) 83 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:24,756 It's time, baby. 84 00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:28,663 (CRYING) I will never love again. 85 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:31,363 No, Marshall, you must. 86 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:34,167 And after an appropriate number of years, 87 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,504 you should find someone else, 88 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:40,205 someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time, 89 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,807 and plow her like a cornfield. 90 00:04:43,983 --> 00:04:45,280 (HICCUPS RAPIDLY) 91 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:46,709 (MARSHALL MOANING) 92 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:50,278 And so, Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find 93 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:53,382 that busty delivery girl from that one time 94 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,552 and plow her like a cornfield. 95 00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,029 (DOORBELL RINGING) 96 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:03,962 (CLEARING THROAT) 97 00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:09,804 Delivery for Marshall Eriksen. 98 00:05:09,828 --> 00:05:15,828 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 99 00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,416 This one's for you, Lil. 100 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,381 Where do I sign? 101 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:28,759 And then watch out, because it is on! 102 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,157 That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. 103 00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:35,598 Dude, Lily gets you in real life. 104 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:39,069 - She has no business in your fantasies. - It's all I know, okay? 105 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:42,733 - I can't help it. - I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen, 106 00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:46,336 from this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind. 107 00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:50,473 Now, focus on the next dancer. Put Lily completely out of your mind. 108 00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:53,849 ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, say hello to (STAMMERING) Jasmine. 109 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,353 (CROWD CHEERING) 110 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,391 Barney? 111 00:06:02,462 --> 00:06:06,398 Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like... 112 00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,366 Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily! 113 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:12,028 - Uh, yeah, I can't talk right now. - I'm speechless, too. 114 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,096 Everything's as perky as we've always imagined! 115 00:06:14,173 --> 00:06:15,731 Stop looking at her. 116 00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:18,333 Look, I gotta go. (WHISPERING) Take a picture. 117 00:06:18,411 --> 00:06:19,673 Oh, I will. 118 00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,579 But first, I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant 119 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,548 - between his wife's tatas. - I'll kill you! 120 00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:25,777 (BARNEY YELLING) 121 00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:30,715 - Sorry about that. - So, any thoughts on food? 122 00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:35,788 Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters? 123 00:06:35,862 --> 00:06:37,853 I would love to share the oysters. 124 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:42,026 Good. 'Cause if you didn't, that would be mighty shellfish. 125 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,367 Wow, that's bad. 126 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:47,963 That's why it's funny! 127 00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:52,808 - We've been on this date before. - We've been on this date before. 128 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,546 We've been on this exact blind date before. 129 00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:05,113 In this exact same restaurant. 130 00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:08,160 Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember that date going that well. 131 00:07:08,227 --> 00:07:09,455 Me, neither. 132 00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:12,325 I remember thinking that you were a little snobby. 133 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:16,762 Wait, you dress your cats up in weird costumes. 134 00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:19,737 They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again. 135 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,502 Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means? 136 00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:26,534 Since our first date, we've done a complete lap 137 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,671 of all the single people in New York 138 00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:30,807 only to end up back here, with each other. 139 00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:32,406 Whoa. 140 00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:35,345 We're going to die alone, aren't we? 141 00:07:35,421 --> 00:07:38,288 Well, you've got your cats. 142 00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,188 This is insane. 143 00:07:40,259 --> 00:07:42,853 Wait, I gotta ask. Why did you think I was snobby? 144 00:07:44,497 --> 00:07:47,193 Wait, okay, yeah, we were sitting over there. 145 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,429 (TED LAUGHING) 146 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,661 "Main Lobster." They spelled Maine without the "e." 147 00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:56,367 Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? 148 00:07:57,777 --> 00:08:00,610 Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by... 149 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,170 I get it, Ted. 150 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:06,310 Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty. 151 00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:07,775 Huh. 152 00:08:08,354 --> 00:08:09,412 I had no idea. 153 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:13,050 Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats, 154 00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:14,683 how did I come across? 155 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,625 That's right, the check. 156 00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:19,494 The check came and, of course, I was going to pay, 157 00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:21,533 but you didn't do the check dance. 158 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:44,345 Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big shot. 159 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:45,713 Huh. 160 00:08:45,925 --> 00:08:47,483 I had no idea. 161 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:48,993 This is good. We're learning stuff. 162 00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:52,553 You know what we should do? We should retrace the rest of that night 163 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,499 and figure out what else we do wrong on first dates. 164 00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:59,436 'Cause let's be honest. We are scaring people off, Jen. 165 00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:03,601 - We really are. Okay, I'm in. - Great. 166 00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:05,109 Where'd we go next? 167 00:09:05,177 --> 00:09:07,145 - I think we went to MacLaren's. - Okay. 168 00:09:11,851 --> 00:09:16,015 Hey, I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I? 169 00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:20,252 And then, there's Tabby-Gail Adams, the jester of the group. 170 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:24,454 Tone down the kitty talk. Check. 171 00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:28,896 You will not believe who we saw tonight. 172 00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:32,165 - Dude... - We saw the third doppelganger! 173 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,262 (GASPING) 174 00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:36,399 OLDER TED: I should explain. Over the years, we had spotted two strangers 175 00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:38,568 who looked exactly like members of our group. 176 00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:40,237 (ALL CHATTERING) 177 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,905 Hey, hey, hey! 178 00:09:41,981 --> 00:09:42,970 OLDER TED: Lesbian Robin. 179 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:44,038 (SPITTING) 180 00:09:46,385 --> 00:09:47,409 (LILY LAUGHING) 181 00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:48,885 OLDER TED: And Mustache Marshall. 182 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:54,155 By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers, 183 00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:55,352 but I'll get to that. 184 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,886 Ladies, meet Stripper Lily. 185 00:09:59,565 --> 00:10:00,691 Oh! 186 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:03,701 - Okay. - Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it, 187 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,396 but she looks just like you. 188 00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:08,463 - So you went to a strip club? - (CHUCKLING) Busted. 189 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,237 And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me? 190 00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,574 Okay, babe, look, before you get mad, let me... 191 00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:16,638 Awesome! I bet the guys were going crazy. 192 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:20,413 I bet they wanted to touch her so bad, but all you can do is look, 193 00:10:20,486 --> 00:10:24,115 unless you go into the back room, but, honey, you gotta pay for that. 194 00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,348 So, strip club. 195 00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,626 (VOICE SHAKING) Marshall made me go. 196 00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:34,264 All right, so what did I do wrong next? Let me have it. I'm here to learn. 197 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:38,667 Well, I kept dropping hints that I was cold, but you didn't offer me your jacket. 198 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:43,736 - It's a little brisk out tonight, huh? - Not really. 199 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,869 Really? I can't feel my fingers. 200 00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:49,608 I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that. 201 00:10:49,682 --> 00:10:52,879 I couldn't admit I was cold. I didn't want to seem like a wimp 202 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:56,752 compared to your action hero ex-boyfriend who you wouldn't stop talking about. 203 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,289 After a day of fighting fires, 204 00:10:58,357 --> 00:11:02,191 Jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 Camaro. 205 00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:05,628 That or bare-knuckle boxing, which he learned in the Marine Corps. 206 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,093 I had an aunt in the Coast Guard. 207 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:12,296 Okay, so no talking about the ex. 208 00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,770 Not even about his shockingly small wiener? 209 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,833 See? Why didn't you lead off with that? 210 00:11:19,745 --> 00:11:20,939 (JEN LAUGHING) 211 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,673 Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage. 212 00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:29,346 I bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas. 213 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:32,653 See, Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club 214 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:34,852 and both of our ladies are totally cool with it. 215 00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:36,053 I'm not cool with it. 216 00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:39,564 Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time. 217 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:42,100 - It's disgusting. - Because it's harmless. 218 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:44,068 Did one of your whores tell you that? 219 00:11:44,136 --> 00:11:47,469 And, Lil, Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble 220 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,565 just to have an innocent fantasy. 221 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,270 - Trouble? What trouble? - It's... No, it's nothing. 222 00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:55,336 - Marshall, tell her. We're all friends here. - (LAUGHING) No, we're not. 223 00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:03,245 Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. 224 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:06,189 But even when I do, I feel so guilty 225 00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:09,921 that I... I have to imagine you passing away first 226 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:13,021 because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. 227 00:12:14,033 --> 00:12:16,695 You're just my life, baby, and I love you. 228 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:21,103 You kill me off? 229 00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:23,471 I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, 230 00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,601 but could you maybe not murder me? 231 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:28,909 Murder? No! I... Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness! 232 00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:32,109 I spare no expense for your care! I even set up a foundation in your name. 233 00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:34,015 We're, like, this close to a cure. 234 00:12:35,387 --> 00:12:39,153 - Remember? - Oh, yeah! I do remember. 235 00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:41,989 We went in here for a drink with your friends, who I loved. 236 00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:44,461 Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them. 237 00:12:44,530 --> 00:12:46,794 - You love them. - They're family, Ted. 238 00:12:46,866 --> 00:12:48,800 Let's go in and see what they remember. 239 00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:50,460 And they are my best friends, 240 00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:54,597 so don't be surprised if they suddenly can't think of anything I do wrong. 241 00:12:54,673 --> 00:12:56,538 Did he juggle? Bad puns? 242 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,544 Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check? 243 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,945 Let's not forget the menu typo gold mine. 244 00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:04,539 Keep panning that river, buddy. 245 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,744 Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom. 246 00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:08,184 (EX CLAIMS) 247 00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:10,917 Actually, you know what it was? 248 00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:13,618 I remember him coming across as kind of a player. 249 00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:15,216 - Me? - ALL: Ted? 250 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,762 Yeah. We were all sitting over there. 251 00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:23,696 And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains. 252 00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:26,533 You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze... 253 00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,266 Well, what about Catwoman? 254 00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:30,638 Yeah, that would've been good. 255 00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:33,701 Psst. Ted. 256 00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:36,808 Nice. 257 00:13:38,584 --> 00:13:40,313 Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no! I remember that. 258 00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:42,320 I was not checking out a girl. 259 00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:43,912 Psst. Ted. 260 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,222 (MAN CHATTERING) 261 00:13:50,095 --> 00:13:51,392 Nice. 262 00:13:51,897 --> 00:13:53,728 We were checking out Mustache Marshall. 263 00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:55,061 ALL: Oh! 264 00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:58,535 Gosh, I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry. 265 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:02,437 Yeah, well, it's nice to know "past me" wasn't a total jackass, huh? 266 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:05,275 "Present you" isn't so bad, either. 267 00:14:08,380 --> 00:14:10,541 - Thank you very much. Yes. - You got it? 268 00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:15,917 Oh, yeah! I remember this. 269 00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:21,421 And there's the Chrysler Building. And the Empire State Building. 270 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:26,593 And at twelve o' clock, a rotund couple going at it against the glass. 271 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,090 Oh! 272 00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:30,293 That's kind of sweet. 273 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,860 Oh, look, snack break. 274 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:35,730 Good for them. 275 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:38,276 Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love. 276 00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:39,902 (JEN GIGGLING) 277 00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:46,207 So, I know this wasn't the best first date of all time, 278 00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:49,254 but I'm glad we stuck it out. 279 00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:50,413 Me, too. 280 00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,696 That was really great. What went wrong? 281 00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:02,290 I remember now. 282 00:15:06,472 --> 00:15:09,236 - Wow. - Yeah. 283 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:13,103 So, would you maybe want to go out again? 284 00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:15,237 Yeah, I... I would. 285 00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:17,976 - Will you call me? - Absolutely. 286 00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:19,608 - Promise? - Promise. 287 00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:25,655 I have been so busy. 288 00:15:27,493 --> 00:15:28,790 Good night, Ted. 289 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,962 (CAT MEOWING OPERA) 290 00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:40,604 - Hello? - Jen, I'm sorry. 291 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:43,141 Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call, 292 00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:45,199 but I was an idiot back then. 293 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,142 You saw the goatee. 294 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:51,080 The truth is, I had a great time tonight, and I'd love to see you again. 295 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:53,618 Ted, there are two kinds of guys. 296 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,813 The guys that you want to call you, who don't, 297 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,914 and the guys you don't want to call you, who always do. 298 00:15:58,991 --> 00:16:01,687 And somehow, right now, you're both. 299 00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:07,996 Baby, you should be able to fantasize about another woman 300 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:11,935 without feeling guilty, or, you know, killing me off. 301 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,472 I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, 302 00:16:14,540 --> 00:16:17,771 I'm all confused about death and sex. 303 00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:20,004 It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery, 304 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,444 I'm sporting a partial. 305 00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,844 All right, we gotta fix this. 306 00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:28,152 Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here, 307 00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:30,711 you have my permission to fantasize about her. 308 00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:34,316 And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty. 309 00:16:34,393 --> 00:16:37,760 Thanks, baby. I'm so lucky to have you. And stripper you. 310 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,290 Bring out Stripper Lily! 311 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,767 You know, I don't come here that much. 312 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,137 Hey, Barney. Here's the usual 313 00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,938 and I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching. 314 00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,511 Thank you, kindly stranger. 315 00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,049 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... 316 00:16:58,117 --> 00:17:00,142 Oh! Hey, Barney. I didn't see you come in. 317 00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,551 I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy. 318 00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:03,610 Ladies and gentlemen, 319 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:06,783 please put your hands together for (STAMMERING) Jasmine. 320 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,326 (CROWD CHEERING) 321 00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:15,063 - I am hot! - Yeah. 322 00:17:15,901 --> 00:17:19,234 Crawl for it, stripper me. This is awesome, baby. 323 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:21,295 - Can I get another $100? - That was $100? 324 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,863 Wow, she crawls fast. 325 00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:29,881 Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted, 326 00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:31,916 but that guy's a lost cause. 327 00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:36,148 He's 24. He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like Johnny Depp. 328 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,854 And he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on. 329 00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:43,793 But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight. 330 00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:45,659 The only thing that we've learned is that 331 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,165 seven years ago, it was a mistake for us to go out. 332 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,667 And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight. 333 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,294 No, it wasn't. 334 00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:55,169 I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago, 335 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,674 if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much. 336 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:00,770 I mean, if a couple of things had gone a little bit differently, 337 00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:03,312 who knows what would have happened? 338 00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:05,374 (REWIND PLAYING) 339 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:15,951 (SINGING) Asking you to stay The words are finally here 340 00:18:16,195 --> 00:18:22,532 Let's rewind and rewind 341 00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:30,275 You see, you're the only star in the film I never made 342 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:37,606 Would you rewind it all the time Rewind it all the time 343 00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:42,711 - Wow. - Wow. 344 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,259 You are the best, you are the best. 345 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:54,390 My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less. 346 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:57,833 I do care, Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay? 347 00:18:57,903 --> 00:19:01,066 That changes things. We need to have a serious talk about this. 348 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,870 - Just the best. - Hey, girlfriend trouble? 349 00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:06,672 I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife 350 00:19:06,745 --> 00:19:09,373 just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double. 351 00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:13,350 So, if you need me, I'll be getting grinded like some pepper in the champagne room. 352 00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:17,750 Just the best. 353 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,052 (SIGHS) 354 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:24,454 Now what? 355 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:26,725 I just remembered why I didn't call you. 356 00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:27,822 Why? 357 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,494 (SIGHING) I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again. 358 00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:35,837 - But I like finding typos in menus. - What? 359 00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:39,207 And I know my shellfish pun is stupid, but the truth is, 360 00:19:39,278 --> 00:19:41,838 I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes. 361 00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:44,640 Now that you mention it, 362 00:19:44,716 --> 00:19:47,651 I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. 363 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:52,315 They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day. 364 00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:53,380 (TED LAUGHS) 365 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:58,224 Shouldn't we hold out for the person 366 00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:01,960 who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them? 367 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:06,795 Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other 368 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:10,638 - seven years from now? - Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen. 369 00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:18,045 Well, good luck out there, Jen. 370 00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:20,918 You, too, Ted. 371 00:20:23,288 --> 00:20:25,313 You'll find your shellfish lady. 372 00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:32,028 OLDER TED: And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, 373 00:20:32,097 --> 00:20:33,621 she did laugh. 374 00:20:33,699 --> 00:20:35,826 And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity. 375 00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:43,103 (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) 376 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:49,446 Hey, Lil. Looks like Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots. 377 00:20:49,514 --> 00:20:50,981 (IN FOREIGN ACCENT) What did you say, buddy? 378 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,681 - Lily? - Who? 379 00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:58,951 Oh, yes, I am this Lily. 380 00:20:59,558 --> 00:21:02,186 We married long time. 381 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,229 May I have monies for shopping? 382 00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:06,556 (LILY SCREAMING) 383 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,099 Lily! 384 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:35,448 ENGLISH - US - SDH