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00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:05,299
OLDER TED: It was the fall of 2009
and I was a professor now.
2
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:09,536
So, I decided to change my look a little bit.
And people were noticing.
3
00:00:09,609 --> 00:00:13,340
Ah, tweed. Textile of the eunuch.
4
00:00:13,813 --> 00:00:16,611
You know, I've always wondered why
those tweed jackets have elbow patches.
5
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,913
Because the people
who wear them are constantly going,
6
00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:21,852
"Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"
7
00:00:22,555 --> 00:00:25,752
You are wrong.
The ladies dig the professor look.
8
00:00:25,825 --> 00:00:27,349
You know, there is something to that.
9
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:30,863
I remember thinking my
tenth grade math teacher was very sexy.
10
00:00:31,598 --> 00:00:33,725
I wonder if Harold's still in jail.
11
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,100
What? Tax evasion.
12
00:00:38,271 --> 00:00:40,136
Among other things.
13
00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:44,270
So, guys, Marshall and I
wanted to invite you to our place
14
00:00:44,344 --> 00:00:46,039
for a little couples' night.
15
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:48,277
Sure. Why not?
16
00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:51,542
OLDER TED: For years, Marshall and Lily
had been the only married couple
17
00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:53,245
in a group full of single people.
18
00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:55,678
- It got Ionely.
- (DOORBELL RINGING)
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00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:58,451
So, they were always searching
for another couple to double-date.
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00:00:58,525 --> 00:00:59,992
There was only one problem.
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- Welcome.
- Gouda?
22
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,329
They sucked at it.
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00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:08,366
(LAUGHING) This is great. We're having fun.
You're having fun, right?
24
00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:13,269
So, should we just go ahead
and lock the four of us in for New Year's?
25
00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:15,170
Um, it's April.
26
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:19,072
Right. Sorry.
We're getting ahead of ourselves.
27
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:20,305
Let's talk Thanksgiving.
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(GASPS) Our parents
(IN SING SONG) really want to meet you!
29
00:01:28,121 --> 00:01:30,351
Well, we should probably be going.
30
00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:33,324
Wait. No, wait, if you leave now,
Colonel Mustard just gets away with it.
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It's getting pretty late. We're going to go.
32
00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:37,090
There's still pie.
33
00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:42,461
Tonight was fantastic.
We should do it again.
34
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:48,707
I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I
are just not that into you. And you.
35
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,703
OLDER TED: But just when Lily
and Marshall were about to give up,
36
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,043
two of their best friends
in the world got together.
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00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,379
- (DOOR OPENING)
- And hope returned to their hearts.
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00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:59,077
(WHOOPING)
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So, when Lily said...
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00:02:01,087 --> 00:02:05,490
Marshall and I wanted to invite you
to our place for a little couples' night.
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00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,788
Sure, why not?
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OLDER TED: Barney and Robin had no idea
what they were about to walk into.
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00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:14,128
Okay. Game time.
Let's review the flow of the room.
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00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:18,094
Barney and Robin enter here.
Stop here for margaritas.
45
00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:21,629
That's a great conversation starter.
We can tell them about our trip to Cabo.
46
00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,835
Great, 'cause I got that story
about Sammy Hagar
47
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:25,775
and the Belgian waffle locked and loaded.
48
00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:28,245
Then we'll move on
to the hot apps station.
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00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:32,944
And, depending on how things are going,
some lively pre-dinner charades.
50
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:37,246
Right, but we'll play that one by...
51
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:38,616
Sounds like?
52
00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:40,726
Okay, you can be Robin's partner.
53
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,817
(DOORBELL RINGING)
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00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:45,561
Baby, we can do this.
55
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:49,958
- Welcome.
- Gouda?
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00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:55,003
OLDER TED: Meanwhile, my half-baked
theory that ladies dig the professor look
57
00:02:55,074 --> 00:02:56,837
was actually proving to be true.
58
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,902
- So, is it hard to grade papers?
- No, you just got to make it fun.
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00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:03,915
For example, every time I spot
a grammatical error, I do a shot.
60
00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:06,946
I'm trashed right now,
and I blame our public school system.
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00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,078
(GIGGLES)
62
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:11,123
Sometimes things just seem
to magically fall into place.
63
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,686
So, you said you live right upstairs?
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00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,494
Whether it's in the dating world...
65
00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,353
- Take care. Bye.
- Bye!
66
00:03:17,430 --> 00:03:19,364
...or the double-dating world.
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00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,191
Nailed it!
68
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,529
Best night ever!
69
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,468
Worst night ever.
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00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:29,363
(SIGHS)
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00:03:29,387 --> 00:03:35,387
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
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Hey, how was the big couples' night
with Marshall and Lily?
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00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:50,185
- Brutal.
- Really? How?
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00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:54,423
It was like we were on a date with
a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call.
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00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,234
Yeah, and they were so nervous,
76
00:03:56,302 --> 00:03:58,065
that they weren't even making
sense half the time.
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00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:00,063
- Hey.
- Come on in.
78
00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:01,231
Would you like a margarita?
79
00:04:01,307 --> 00:04:03,935
In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating
a Belgian waffle!
80
00:04:06,012 --> 00:04:09,539
And they kept shoving
platters of food in our faces.
81
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:12,812
Let me guess. Did Marshall get, like,
super intense about the cheese?
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00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,547
- (GASPS) Yeah, how'd you know?
- Poor Marshall.
83
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,852
Lily's this gourmet cook,
and all she lets Marshall do
84
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,518
is pick out one sad block of cheese.
85
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:22,724
That's prosciutto-wrapped melon.
86
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,057
You guys are going to want
to get in on this gouda.
87
00:04:25,131 --> 00:04:27,463
That's seared scallops
with a mango chutney.
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00:04:27,533 --> 00:04:29,763
Seriously, don't sleep on the gouda.
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00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,896
And that's lobster ravioli
in a black truffle oil.
90
00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:35,440
Tick-tock goes the gouda clock.
91
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,902
We didn't realize
there was gonna be dinner.
92
00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:41,310
We sucked down a couple of tacos
outside the subway.
93
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:44,009
P.S., not sitting great.
94
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:49,454
And if anything didn't go
according to plan, they would freak out.
95
00:04:50,256 --> 00:04:52,315
What do you mean,
the egg timer is broken?
96
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:54,257
What are we going to use
for charades, sweetie?
97
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,056
I'm working on it, darling. Okay?
Just stall them.
98
00:04:58,097 --> 00:05:00,930
Now, Robin. You work in television.
99
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,731
We're experiencing some
technical difficulties. You get that?
100
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,738
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
So, we're still laughing.
101
00:05:07,573 --> 00:05:09,734
Right? Laugh, Marshall.
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00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,139
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
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Come on, they just got excited.
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They've been looking for
couple best friends forever.
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00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,979
Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.
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00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,178
Show him.
107
00:05:23,222 --> 00:05:26,919
This is a web site Marshall already made
about last night.
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00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:30,922
It's called itwasthebestnightever. com.
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00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:36,597
MARSHALL: (SINGING)
It was the best night ever
110
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:41,339
Laughter raining down like April showers
111
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:45,373
Oh, we talked for hours...
112
00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:49,805
Oh, that's no good.
113
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:54,046
Best night ever
Then we played charades
114
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:57,180
Lily made some crème brûlée
115
00:05:57,590 --> 00:06:00,218
And now that we're best couple friends
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00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:06,121
There's only one thing
left to say...
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00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:08,958
Are you free? Are you free?
118
00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,730
Are you free? Are you free?
119
00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:13,169
Are you free next Saturday?
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00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:14,536
That's the 17th.
121
00:06:14,607 --> 00:06:15,801
Are you free?
122
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,436
Friday or Sunday would also work.
Or basically any other day.
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00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:23,080
Needless to say,
we've both changed our e-mail addresses.
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00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,811
I don't understand.
If last night went so horribly,
125
00:06:26,018 --> 00:06:27,849
why do Lily and Marshall
think it was such a hit?
126
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,050
I mean, we knew
we were gonna have fun tonight,
127
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but we had no idea how much.
128
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:35,087
Yeah, tough luck,
every Saturday night I've ever had,
129
00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:36,685
'cause this one just
blew you out of the water.
130
00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:39,427
- Let's do it again, soon.
- Yeah, we'll call you.
131
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:43,401
They're your friends! Why would you
just blatantly lie to them like that?
132
00:06:43,536 --> 00:06:45,868
Well, that's what you say
at the end of a crappy date.
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00:06:45,938 --> 00:06:51,137
Hey, Ted. Great time last night.
Let's do it again, soon. I'll call you.
134
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:54,412
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Right?
135
00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:56,372
Who was that?
136
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:58,110
I don't want to brag,
137
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:01,051
but it seems chicks are really digging
the whole professor thing.
138
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:04,882
Last night, she picked me up at the bar.
And then...
139
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:10,351
Well, she actually wound up falling asleep
on the couch. But, hey, that happens.
140
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,597
Uh, no, it doesn't.
141
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:15,200
Sure, it does. You know, she was...
142
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,498
She was just exhausted
from being turned on.
143
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,301
But you heard her.
She wants to do it again, soon.
144
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,200
Ted, let me ask you a question.
145
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,503
Where does this girl live, exactly?
146
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:27,738
Westchester. Why?
147
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,039
(LAUGHS)
148
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,751
You're the Sexless Innkeeper.
149
00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:35,913
Oh, my God! You're right!
He's totally the Sexless Innkeeper!
150
00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:38,454
What the hell is the Sexless Innkeeper?
151
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:42,119
Ted, many a man... Nay, many a soul
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00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,561
has their own tale
of the Sexless Innkeeper.
153
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,428
Why, I had a run-in with one just last year.
154
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:49,661
I even composed a poem about it.
155
00:07:49,735 --> 00:07:51,134
- Would you care to hear it?
- Not really.
156
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:55,470
'Twas the night before New Year's,
and the weather grew mean.
157
00:07:55,541 --> 00:07:59,102
It was 3:00 in the morning,
and I was stranded in Queens.
158
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:04,476
The tavern grew empty.
The gaslights grew dim.
159
00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:08,646
The horse-drawn carriages
were all but snowed in...
160
00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:11,780
Wait. If this was last year, why are you
acting like it was Oliver Twist?
161
00:08:11,958 --> 00:08:13,687
Ted, it's a poem.
162
00:08:15,461 --> 00:08:19,192
Last call was approaching,
and my fortunes looked bleak.
163
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:23,768
Then I turned to my left
and stifled a shriek.
164
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:28,797
She had a peach fuzz beard
and weighed 16 stone.
165
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,641
She gobbled up hot wings
and swallowed the bones.
166
00:08:32,712 --> 00:08:33,736
(CRUNCHING)
167
00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:36,714
I muffled a scream
and threw up in my mouth.
168
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:40,882
I asked, "Where do you live?"And she said,
169
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,985
"One block south."
170
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:48,088
I swallowed my pride
and six shots of whiskey.
171
00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:52,862
And prayed to the Gods
172
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:55,366
that she wasn't too frisky.
173
00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:59,233
Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack.
174
00:08:59,305 --> 00:09:00,431
(FLOOR CREAKING)
175
00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:05,273
'Neath her mighty hooves,
the floorboards did crack.
176
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:09,379
But when she returned,
she found a sound sleeper.
177
00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:14,548
And thus she became
the Sexless Innkeeper.
178
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:16,949
And so are you.
179
00:09:17,423 --> 00:09:20,358
Wait, you're saying that girl
just used me for a place to crash?
180
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,956
Ted, you mentioned that
you live right upstairs.
181
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,827
She saw the tweed jacket,
which basically says
182
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:29,595
you're not interested in,
nor probably even capable of having sex.
183
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:32,396
And she thought, "Hey, free lodging."
184
00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:36,037
No way. I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.
185
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:39,905
Ted, that girl had no intention
of ever hooking up with you.
186
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:44,609
Which is funny, because usually it's the
innkeeper who offers turndown service.
187
00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:45,946
- (EX CLAIMS)
- Ha!
188
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,282
Hey, guys. Good news.
189
00:09:49,355 --> 00:09:52,518
First of all, you can ignore
all the e-mails and texts we've sent you.
190
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,116
We have. Go on.
191
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,955
Because we went ahead and booked
192
00:09:56,028 --> 00:09:58,394
that couples' weekend
for all of us in Vermont!
193
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:00,564
Wait, you guys were serious about that?
194
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,736
We never joke about B&B's,
especially at the height of syrup season.
195
00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:10,001
Saturday, we've got apple-picking,
antiquing, then a haunted hay ride.
196
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:13,677
And then, on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m.
for the fall foliage hike.
197
00:10:13,746 --> 00:10:16,374
Now, you better pack your long johns,
'cause it is cold up there.
198
00:10:16,515 --> 00:10:20,918
Look! I'm sorry that
we have been dodging your calls,
199
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,981
but we respect you guys too much
200
00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:24,420
as friends to give you
some song and dance.
201
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:25,821
You deserve the truth.
202
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,760
(BARNEY EXHALES)
203
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:35,862
The US Navy has found intelligent alien
life at the bottom of the ocean.
204
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:41,438
For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I
have been tapped to lead the expedition.
205
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:45,375
Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like
the stuff you say to girls
206
00:10:45,444 --> 00:10:47,412
when you're too much of a coward
to dump them.
207
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,880
Yeah. You know,
that's exactly what it sounds like.
208
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,618
But if that's true, that's awesome.
209
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:54,975
What's going on?
210
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:58,848
Look, all this coupley stuff, it's just not us.
211
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:02,086
Barney and I are barely equipped
to date each other, let alone you guys.
212
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,929
Plus, the alien thing.
213
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,023
- (SCOFFS) Come on, Marshall. Let's go.
- Yeah. Let's go.
214
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,328
- You know what, Lily...
- No, you know what...
215
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:10,562
No. You know what?
216
00:11:10,636 --> 00:11:13,799
I hope those underwater aliens
are cold-blooded.
217
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,306
'Cause then
you guys will get along just fine.
218
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:22,574
(SIGHS)
219
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,645
I think they bought it.
220
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,682
(CRYING) I can't believe
they broke up with us.
221
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,448
We're so lovable.
222
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:33,782
No, we're not. We're ugly and gross.
223
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,228
- I thought we did everything right.
- I know!
224
00:11:37,963 --> 00:11:40,761
I know. We had the gouda.
We had my waffle story.
225
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,993
I even sent them
an awesome photo montage...
226
00:11:44,737 --> 00:11:46,136
Nothing.
227
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:48,596
Oh, dear God.
228
00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:51,676
Marshall, we've been over and over this.
229
00:11:51,744 --> 00:11:54,076
You have to stop sending those to people.
230
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,808
OLDER TED: It was true. Marshall had
become addicted to creating songs
231
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,114
and photo montages documenting
various mundane events.
232
00:12:01,687 --> 00:12:04,315
So, for months, all of Marshall's friends
and professional colleagues
233
00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,051
were getting e-mails like this.
234
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:09,250
MARSHALL: (SINGING)
Ordered Chinese food today
235
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:12,458
Some moo shu pork sauce got away
236
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:18,169
Flipped the cushion
Now everything's okay
237
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:24,374
Cat-sitting for Lily's mom
238
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:28,335
Cat-sitting for Lily's mom
239
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:29,574
It's gonna be fun
240
00:12:29,648 --> 00:12:33,277
It's gonna bring us all closer together
241
00:12:35,988 --> 00:12:38,388
Cat funeral
242
00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:42,122
Cat funeral
243
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:45,396
It was an accident
244
00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:48,865
And not entirely my fault
245
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:53,234
- Meow, meow, meow, meow
- Cat funeral
246
00:12:53,305 --> 00:12:56,672
- Meow, meow, meow, meow
- Cat funeral
247
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,305
We'll miss you, Whiskers.
248
00:12:59,378 --> 00:13:03,314
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...
249
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:07,714
I can't believe you sent them one of those.
250
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,755
They think we're insane now.
251
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:13,553
If I recall, they didn't dump us
until you brought up that Vermont trip.
252
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:14,985
It was way too early.
253
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,652
First, a boat ride around the city,
then a trip to Vermont.
254
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,698
It's a rookie mistake,
and you're better than that.
255
00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:23,929
What about you forgetting
to check the egg timer for charades?
256
00:13:24,103 --> 00:13:27,004
I gave you one thing to do, Marshall.
One thing.
257
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,171
One thing? One thing?
258
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,444
Wow. Really?
259
00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:37,312
So, I guess that gouda
260
00:13:37,383 --> 00:13:40,784
just walked itself right through the door,
261
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:42,821
sliced itself up,
262
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:46,380
and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle
263
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:49,825
around not three, not four,
264
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:55,599
but five different kinds
of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?
265
00:13:57,636 --> 00:13:59,968
You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker!
266
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:04,538
Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been
to the bar all week.
267
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:05,872
They're taking this really hard.
268
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:08,479
Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day,
269
00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:10,640
but don't you have to
get back up to the inn?
270
00:14:10,749 --> 00:14:12,273
I mean, who's working the front desk?
271
00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:16,009
Seriously, they're your friends.
You got to go apologize.
272
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:19,518
To your point, Ted, as an innkeeper,
273
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:23,459
do you do that cheapy thing where you
only change the linens upon request?
274
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:27,362
(STAMMERING) I mean,
how much water is that actually saving?
275
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,200
Robin, you know I'm right.
276
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:32,829
Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go
away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.
277
00:14:32,905 --> 00:14:34,202
- You're right.
- Thank you.
278
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:36,503
All that sexlessness has made you wise.
279
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:38,402
- (BARNEY CHUCKLES)
- For God's sake!
280
00:14:38,477 --> 00:14:39,842
Mint on the pillow, Ted!
281
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,037
And don't charge for Wi-Fi.
It seems greedy!
282
00:14:41,113 --> 00:14:42,102
Yes.
283
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:44,371
(LAUGHS)
284
00:14:45,651 --> 00:14:48,051
OLDER TED: But, eventually,
even Barney and Robin had to admit
285
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,384
they owed Lily and Marshall an apology.
286
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:53,724
Hey. We wanted to say we're sorry.
287
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,221
Oh, I wish you had called.
288
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:59,757
I swear, he was right there,
just eating a Belgian waffle!
289
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,026
(ALL LAUGHING)
290
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,831
Well, he can't have enjoyed it
as much as I'm enjoying this gouda!
291
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,030
Oh!
292
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:10,636
Well, listen, now's not a good time.
But we'll call you.
293
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:12,941
- Wait, wait...
- Look, we just want...
294
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:16,839
(SIGHS)
295
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:23,255
- Hey! Hey, guys.
- Hey, hey, hey! Long time no see.
296
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:24,846
- Have a seat.
- Hi.
297
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,449
Oh, we can't. We're here with Py and Shea.
298
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:29,084
- Yeah, so...
- It's just...
299
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,986
We haven't seen you guys all week.
300
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,224
- Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out.
- Yeah.
301
00:15:33,432 --> 00:15:36,401
It might be weird.
We're kind of on a double date.
302
00:15:36,468 --> 00:15:38,095
- Yeah.
- Wouldn't want you to feel like
303
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:40,730
a fifth and sixth wheel.
304
00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:42,467
Who the hell are these people?
305
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,705
They just moved here from Hawaii.
306
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,541
- Py is a total foodie and Shea, well...
- Mmm!
307
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,104
- (CHUCKLING) She's... Shea...
- Shea.
308
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:51,945
Shea is just...
309
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:55,046
(SIGHING)
310
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,446
Anyhoo, we can't stay long.
311
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:00,185
We're just gonna grab a quick beer
and then take these kooks
312
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:01,590
for a boat ride around the city.
313
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:04,487
Wow, it sounds like
this is getting pretty serious.
314
00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:09,296
Well, we don't want to jinx it, but
we kind of think they might be the two.
315
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:15,765
(SCOFFS)
316
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:18,139
- Who needs them?
- (SCOFFS) Not us.
317
00:16:18,210 --> 00:16:19,939
(COUPLES LAUGHING)
318
00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:23,574
(ALL BYMYSELFPLAYING)
319
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,884
Living alone
320
00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:34,081
We think of all the friends we've known
321
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:40,189
But when we dial the telephone
322
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:41,960
(CYCLE BELL RINGING)
323
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,968
Nobody's home
324
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,502
Hi. Two for dinner.
325
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:50,297
Just the two of you?
326
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:57,844
All by ourselves
327
00:16:58,884 --> 00:17:00,875
Don't want to be
328
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:07,290
All by ourselves anymore
329
00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:11,863
All by ourselves...
330
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,899
Hey, why don't we call that weird couple
down the hall from you?
331
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:19,631
You know, with the ferrets? Maybe
they want to come over and play Taboo.
332
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:23,765
After midnight? No way.
We can't Tabooty-call them, it's pathetic.
333
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,436
- Hey, guys.
- (BOTH MUTTERING)
334
00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,972
Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
335
00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:32,780
Maybe. But they're Armani.
336
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,983
Okay, guys,
I've got some bad news for you.
337
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,423
So, I'm just going to come out and say it.
You're a couple.
338
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:44,360
And no matter how hard you try to fight it,
couples need other couples.
339
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:48,024
That's why you miss Marshall and Lily.
And can't you just admit that?
340
00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:51,968
(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah!
341
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,267
- That was amazing, Lily!
- Yeah.
342
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:59,367
I know! When I got that left-hand-yellow,
I was like, "What?"
343
00:18:00,179 --> 00:18:02,238
- You guys are the best.
- Right back at you!
344
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,180
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
345
00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:09,052
(CLOCK TICKING)
346
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,087
(DINGS)
347
00:18:27,339 --> 00:18:28,601
(DINGS)
348
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,008
BOTH: Ding.
349
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:52,189
For charades.
350
00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:57,862
How do we know
you two won't hurt us again?
351
00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,668
You don't.
352
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:06,139
You know what? We have two
very nice people up in that apartment
353
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:08,145
who are perfect for us.
354
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:12,010
Then what are you doing,
standing out in the rain with us?
355
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,710
Damn it.
356
00:19:14,786 --> 00:19:19,223
Why is there something so attractive
about a bad boy and girl?
357
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:22,690
I think we can change them.
358
00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:25,523
Come here, you two.
359
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:32,597
We'll never sleep on the gouda again.
360
00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:38,175
All by ourselves...
361
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,171
Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you.
You want to hear it?
362
00:19:44,249 --> 00:19:47,150
- Not really.
- 'Twas the night before this one,
363
00:19:47,619 --> 00:19:49,382
I had hours to kill.
364
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:52,953
I sat in the tavern,
grading parchments with quill.
365
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,322
- With quill?
- Barney. It's a poem.
366
00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,727
A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.
367
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:04,599
Her garb said classy,
but her eyes whispered sin.
368
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:09,229
She said, "You're a teacher?"
I said, "Yes, indeed."
369
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:13,207
"I must have you," she moaned.
"I'm turned on by tweed."
370
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:18,113
With haste we did scamper
to my chamber anon.
371
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:22,014
We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on.
372
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:26,352
I unlaced her bodice.
Our passions grew deeper.
373
00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:31,723
And thus ends the tale
of the Sexless Innkeeper.
374
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:36,595
No way. You made that up.
375
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:40,470
Are you coming back to bed, Professor?
376
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:41,628
(GASPS)
377
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:44,301
(TED EXHALES)
378
00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:46,340
God, I love being single.
379
00:20:48,614 --> 00:20:51,048
Barney, you ready for brunch
with Lily and Marshall?
380
00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:54,041
What have I done?
381
00:21:19,978 --> 00:21:20,967
ENGLISH - US - SDH