1 00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:04,369 OLDER TED: Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada. 2 00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:07,133 That meant sometimes she dressed a little differently. 3 00:00:07,207 --> 00:00:09,437 Okay, let's do this! 4 00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:12,171 Sometimes she talked a little differently. 5 00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:15,646 Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. 6 00:00:15,715 --> 00:00:18,183 What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh? 7 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:24,021 She hung out at different bars and enjoyed leisure time a little differently. 8 00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:27,821 You want to go? You want to go? Come on! 9 00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:30,154 Make fun of the Great White North all you want, 10 00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:31,561 it's the best country in the world. 11 00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:34,566 - Mmm-hmm. - Social experiment. 12 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:41,170 - U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A. - (CROWD CHANTING) 13 00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:44,233 Okay, okay. You know, what does that even prove, okay? 14 00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:45,902 You chant anything, people will join in. 15 00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:52,614 (CHANTING) Canada, Canada... Okay, they won't chant anything. 16 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:59,083 Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice. 17 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:02,151 (CROWD CHANTING) Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice... 18 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,456 Shrimp fried rice, totally. 19 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:04,554 (LAUGHS) 20 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,725 Anyway, speaking of food, Marshall, I've got some bad news. 21 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,269 Just read online, Gazzola's is closing. 22 00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,201 - No! - What's Gazzola's? 23 00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:15,435 A filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza 24 00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:18,500 located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois. 25 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,012 Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips 26 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,914 from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for a Gazzola's pizza. 27 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:28,010 Twenty-two hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. 28 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,749 We were like Lewis and Clark, 29 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,791 if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles 30 00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:33,519 and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe. 31 00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:38,560 Man, those Gazzola's trips, that's when we really became bros. 32 00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:42,466 - We ate nothing but jerky. - Drank nothing but Tantrum. 33 00:01:42,535 --> 00:01:47,131 OLDER TED: Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content 34 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:49,334 legally available over the counter. 35 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:53,368 It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA. 36 00:01:57,083 --> 00:02:00,109 Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip. 37 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,586 I was color-blind for two weeks after that. 38 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:05,556 I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells. 39 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,560 It's probably a good thing they're closing Gazzola's. 40 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,220 Those trips were brutal, right? 41 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:13,857 The long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell... 42 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,400 So, what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow? 43 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,163 - I was thinking 9:00, 9:30. - Hmm. 44 00:02:17,187 --> 00:02:24,187 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 45 00:02:30,717 --> 00:02:33,311 I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes. 46 00:02:33,386 --> 00:02:36,947 I got a variety of jerky. I got six cans of Tantrum. 47 00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:39,821 Well, four. One burned through the can, the other one I drank already. 48 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,758 (GRUNTS) Tantrum! 49 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:45,229 I am so psyched! Marshall and I haven't done something 50 00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:46,959 just the two of us for so long. 51 00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:50,002 Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "l" to a "we." 52 00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:52,001 - What do you mean? - Think about it. 53 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,598 Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing? 54 00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:56,536 We're doing great. 55 00:02:57,043 --> 00:02:58,237 Did you watch the Jets game? 56 00:02:58,311 --> 00:02:59,835 We most certainly did. 57 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:02,509 How'd things go at the doctor? 58 00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:05,512 We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem. 59 00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,378 Hmm. 60 00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:12,356 You guys will not believe this. I've been talking to my lawyer all morning. 61 00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:15,189 You know that guy I had a slight disagreement with at the Hoser Hut? 62 00:03:15,261 --> 00:03:16,660 He's filing assault charges. 63 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:17,954 (SCREAMING) Come on! 64 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,655 I broke his nose with a chair. 65 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,834 And now, apparently, I might end up getting deported. 66 00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,529 - Oh, my God, that sucks! - Yeah. 67 00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:26,162 I'm gonna go do push-ups in the kitchen. 68 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:27,631 Tantrum! (GRUNTS) 69 00:03:28,374 --> 00:03:31,366 Well, there's only one possible way to avoid getting deported. 70 00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:33,969 My lawyer said I can become an American citizen. 71 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,015 Perfect. Problem solved. Welcome aboard. 72 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:39,745 Well, it's not that simple. I'm a Canadian. I was born there. 73 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:42,151 My family's there. It's who I am. 74 00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:44,882 I know, and it's provided us with a lot of laughs. 75 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:48,226 But, Robin, if you want to live here, work here, 76 00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:51,320 and throw chairs at people here, you have to do this. 77 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,829 Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow. 78 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,992 - (MUTTERING) - I'll think about it. 79 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,299 No, no, you have to do it. I'll help you study. 80 00:03:58,371 --> 00:03:59,895 We're gonna stay up all night long. 81 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,806 I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. 82 00:04:02,875 --> 00:04:06,106 No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. 83 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:08,374 No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on... 84 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:09,745 - Okay, Barney. - Sorry. 85 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,181 - It's a rich area. - It is. 86 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,781 But, you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. 87 00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:16,014 It's not like the Canadian citizenship test. 88 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,954 How do you know the Canadian test is easy? 89 00:04:18,491 --> 00:04:19,856 It's Canada. 90 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:22,224 Question one. Do you want to be Canadian? 91 00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:24,388 Question two. Really? 92 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,661 (YELLING) Ted! Ted! Check it out! 93 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,562 I got black coffee on the left, I got Tantrum on the right! 94 00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:33,003 - Do you have a phone book? - Yes, I do! 95 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,902 I don't know why they make phone books anymore. Everything's online, right? 96 00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:36,964 (SCREAMS) 97 00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:38,803 - Tantrum! - Tantrum! 98 00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:42,106 All right, let's hit the road. 99 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:45,614 - You invited Lily? - We most certainly did! 100 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,012 I don't know if you caught that, but he did the "we" thing. 101 00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:51,113 - Yeah, I heard him. - Okay. 102 00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:56,484 - Road trip! - (MARSHALL CHUCKLES) 103 00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:58,496 So, you guys want to talk about bitches? 104 00:04:58,564 --> 00:05:00,259 I'm kidding. They're called women. 105 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,093 (CAR STARTING) 106 00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,963 All right, next stop, Chicago. 107 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,130 I have to pee. 108 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,070 What... Couldn't you have gone before we left? 109 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,736 I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see. 110 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:22,585 Don't worry, we'll get out on the road, it'll be just like old times. 111 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:23,713 OLDER TED: It wasn't. 112 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:27,187 (BOTH SINGING ALONG) And I would walk 500 miles 113 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,593 And I would walk 500 more... 114 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,693 Sugar snap pea? 115 00:05:33,766 --> 00:05:35,961 Pea, that reminds me. I have to pee. 116 00:05:36,969 --> 00:05:37,993 (BOTH LAUGHING) 117 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,732 Okay, straight, straight, straight. 118 00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:41,740 Now, wait, a little to the left. 119 00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:44,208 We'll pass a state trooper! 120 00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:47,602 - Punch buggy yellow! - (EX CLAIMS IN PAIN) 121 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,905 Yellow, that reminds me. I have to pee. 122 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,708 (POP MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO) 123 00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:55,412 Thank you! 124 00:05:58,691 --> 00:05:59,817 Great. 125 00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:01,587 - Hey, Ted... - You can't have to go again. 126 00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:02,889 It's not humanly possible. 127 00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:06,192 No, I was just going to say maybe we should listen to something. 128 00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:08,859 That's a great idea. I think I have some Jerky Boys. 129 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:10,560 Goodbye, Sparky. 130 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:13,365 It's an audio book about a boy and his dog. 131 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,407 It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. 132 00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:19,076 WOMAN ON STEREO: Goodbye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. 133 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,974 Read to you by Kenny Rogers. 134 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,105 Oh. 135 00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:24,672 ROGERS: Chapter One. When I first saw Sparky, 136 00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:27,117 he reminded me of my favorite comb. 137 00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:30,622 He was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. 138 00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,248 Mother was fit to be tied 139 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,624 every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business. 140 00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:36,957 (LAUGHS) 141 00:06:37,029 --> 00:06:39,327 That reminds me, I have to pee. 142 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:42,157 "How many stars are on the flag?" 143 00:06:42,468 --> 00:06:43,833 Fifty. One for each state. 144 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,402 "What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?" 145 00:06:46,572 --> 00:06:49,939 The Bill of Rights. Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready. 146 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:53,007 Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American? 147 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,239 Not on your sweet life. 148 00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:57,748 For you to be an American, we got to get the Canadian out of you. 149 00:06:58,117 --> 00:07:03,749 That's why I've created these questions. Question one. Who is this? 150 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,150 - Queen Elizabeth II. - No, the answer is Elton John. 151 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,261 Question two. What the hell is this? 152 00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:14,466 - Oh, Curling. It's a sport played... - Wrong. 153 00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:17,503 The answer we were looking for was, "I don't care, it's dumb. 154 00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:21,067 "Let's go buy something that's bad for us and then sue the people who made it." 155 00:07:21,140 --> 00:07:22,471 That's American, Robin. 156 00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:25,639 ROGERS: ... because Sparky loved chasing a ball, 157 00:07:25,711 --> 00:07:27,474 and it didn't much matter what kind. 158 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:34,012 Tennis ball, baseball, wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball, 159 00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:37,651 gum ball, a grapefruit, which isn't actually a ball, 160 00:07:37,723 --> 00:07:39,315 but it's round like a ball, 161 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:43,260 a football, which isn't round, but it's still technically a ball, 162 00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:44,819 Indian rubber ball... 163 00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:49,800 WOMAN: This ends disc seven. The audio book continues on disc eight. 164 00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:54,536 Disc eight. 165 00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:55,938 ROGERS: Lacrosse ball, volleyball... 166 00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:58,272 Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee! 167 00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,972 (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I do. 168 00:08:01,047 --> 00:08:04,107 OLDER TED: It was the worst trip ever, but then it got worse. 169 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,419 Well, don't worry, the next exit's the hotel. We can go there. 170 00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:08,679 Hotel? 171 00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:13,685 Crumpet Manor is listed in the American registry of historic bed and breakfasts. 172 00:08:13,759 --> 00:08:17,752 Our doors opened on Christmas day, 1881. 173 00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:20,795 And we have catered to couples ever since. 174 00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,095 Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right? 175 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,105 Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation. 176 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,930 Do you enjoy sitting on a bench? 177 00:08:31,077 --> 00:08:32,305 OLDER TED: And by the end of the night, 178 00:08:32,378 --> 00:08:34,972 Barney had turned Robin into a real American. 179 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:37,781 I want to say... Jefferson? 180 00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:39,210 - Correct. - (EX CLAIMS HAPPILY) 181 00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:42,220 Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson. 182 00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:44,256 (EX CLAIMS) I am nailing this. 183 00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:47,383 - God, I'm buzzing on America right now! - All right, hold your horses. 184 00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:50,424 Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie, 185 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:55,024 and the childhood obesity it leads to, who is this? 186 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:57,933 That, Barney, 187 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,565 is the American actor, beloved by millions, 188 00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:06,043 the "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films. 189 00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:11,240 And his name, Jeff Foxworthy. Thank you. 190 00:09:11,984 --> 00:09:15,010 Jeff... No, it's Jim Varney. 191 00:09:15,254 --> 00:09:16,687 You're kidding me. You don't know that? 192 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:21,249 That's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. End of story. Now, shut your stupid face. 193 00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:24,089 Not only are you wrong, 194 00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:26,763 but you are belligerently sticking to your guns, 195 00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:28,493 and insulting me in the process. 196 00:09:29,435 --> 00:09:31,130 Robin Scherbatsky, 197 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,206 you are an American. 198 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,101 Look who's back from the wishing well. 199 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,113 It didn't work, I'm still here. 200 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,609 Marshall, what are we doing? We should be on the road. 201 00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:47,849 Look, Ted, we're not in college anymore, okay? 202 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,478 We don't have to drive all night. 203 00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:50,852 Yeah, and besides, they have a spa. 204 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,048 What kind of treatments do you offer? 205 00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,821 All of our spa treatments are designed for couples. 206 00:09:56,228 --> 00:10:01,222 Would you be interested in the two-person, cornmeal body scrub? 207 00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:03,498 OLDER TED: And then finally it happened. 208 00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:06,868 Marshall and Lily globbed into one big married glob. 209 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,941 We'd love a cornmeal body scrub! 210 00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,371 Whoa! 211 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,314 I got to dial back on the Tantrum. 212 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,918 ROBIN: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be an American, y'all. 213 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:24,985 Maybe I'll rob a liquor store. Maybe I won't. My choice. 214 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,116 Learn English! 215 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,221 The Hoser Hut. 216 00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:34,064 I can duck in for a drink. 217 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:37,227 No, no, that life's behind me. Forget it. 218 00:10:37,737 --> 00:10:41,468 Well, I could go in for just one beer. What's the harm in that? 219 00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:42,529 It's a free country. 220 00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:46,235 (ALL SINGING) O Canada 221 00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:50,107 Our home and native land 222 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,647 (CRYING) Oh, God, I miss it. 223 00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:54,618 True patriot love... 224 00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:55,676 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 225 00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,893 - Hey, man. Sorry about what I said before. - (SHUSHING) 226 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:06,326 You want to go to the store and get some beer? 227 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,497 (SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) 228 00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,099 Lily is asleep. 229 00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,469 I suppose I could reschedule my pedicure. 230 00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:15,306 What the hell? But only light beer 231 00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:16,705 because we have a couples' hike in the morning. 232 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,104 Dude, why are we pulling onto the highway? 233 00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:28,317 Ted, where exactly are we going to get this beer? 234 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:30,720 Chicago. 235 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,397 What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily. 236 00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:40,159 When she wakes up, she's going to freak! 237 00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:44,828 She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun. 238 00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:48,572 I just abandoned my wife. How am I supposed to have fun? 239 00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:52,373 (BOTH SINGING ALONG) And I would walk 500 miles 240 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,972 And I would walk 500 more... 241 00:11:56,082 --> 00:11:57,174 Hey, you really think Lily's pissed? 242 00:11:57,249 --> 00:11:59,012 If she's pissed, she's pissed. 243 00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,648 OLDER TED: When Barney finally tracked down your Aunt Robin, 244 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,418 it wasn't a pretty sight. 245 00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:06,890 Good morning. 246 00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:08,820 (GROANS) 247 00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:10,387 Barney? 248 00:12:11,430 --> 00:12:13,955 Oh, my God. What happened last night? 249 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,361 You went Canadian. 250 00:12:17,837 --> 00:12:19,236 - How Canadian? - (SIGHS) 251 00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:21,696 This Canadian. 252 00:12:24,009 --> 00:12:27,604 Oh, that was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto... 253 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:28,704 You're in Toronto. 254 00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:31,580 Oh, God. 255 00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:34,642 Okay. It's coming back to me. 256 00:12:35,187 --> 00:12:37,815 I went into the Hoser Hut 257 00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:41,893 (SIGHS) and I met this women's curling team. 258 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,023 We started drinking. 259 00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,791 And the next thing I know, they're inviting me 260 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:48,561 to a Bryan Adams/Rich Little double bill in Toronto. 261 00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:51,499 But how did you find me, anyway? 262 00:12:51,570 --> 00:12:54,164 You called me, said you were never coming back. 263 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,800 So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic... 264 00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,605 Canada isn't across the Atlantic. 265 00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,110 You're talking nonsense. 266 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:03,873 Now, listen. You slipped up. It's fine. 267 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,246 The test is in a few hours... 268 00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,478 Barney, I'm not taking the test. 269 00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:09,119 God, you're still drunk. 270 00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,382 (SIGHS) 271 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,653 Look, I appreciate your help, but who am I kidding? 272 00:13:14,093 --> 00:13:16,459 I'm Canadian. I always will be. 273 00:13:17,163 --> 00:13:19,393 Now, that's ridiculous. 274 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,692 We're gonna get some coffee in you, we'll sober you up, 275 00:13:22,768 --> 00:13:25,032 and get you back to New York for that test. 276 00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:29,040 But, before any of that, we're gonna do it on this bed 277 00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:30,598 'cause, hotel room. 278 00:13:32,411 --> 00:13:34,538 Okay, let's get some coffee. 279 00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:37,807 TED: A little rubbery. Room temperature. 280 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,418 - Kind of gross. - Making me wonder if this pizza 281 00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,147 is worth the 22-hour drive. 282 00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:43,952 Just like old times! 283 00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:46,253 I feel so young again except for the chest pains. 284 00:13:47,359 --> 00:13:50,157 But this crust is so good. What is the secret to this crust? 285 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,861 It's no big secret. It's made of cornmeal. 286 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,425 Cornmeal. 287 00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,936 We'd love a cornmeal body scrub! 288 00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:02,138 I can't believe you guys are closing. 289 00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:05,476 I can't believe we're still open. Gotcha! 290 00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:08,411 These are getting bigger. 291 00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,851 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 292 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,148 - Yeah, give me two coffees. - $3.50, please. 293 00:14:17,423 --> 00:14:19,323 Hey, what did you think of the game last night? 294 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:22,220 - What game? - The Leafs beat Edmonton. 295 00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,592 Beauchemin went five-hole in OT. 296 00:14:25,064 --> 00:14:27,862 - I guess I missed it. - Oh, sorry. You're American. 297 00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:30,424 - Here's your change. - I'm not American. 298 00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:32,764 American money? Didn't watch the Leafs game? 299 00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:34,863 No "please" or "thank you" for the coffee? 300 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,874 You sure don't seem like a Canadian. 301 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:41,371 What's wrong? 302 00:14:41,647 --> 00:14:45,139 Other than the fact that this five-dollar bill they gave you is blue. 303 00:14:46,252 --> 00:14:49,915 I'm not American, and, apparently, I'm not Canadian, either. 304 00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:53,322 And there's kids playing hockey on the back. 305 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,986 It's like you want us to make fun of you. 306 00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:01,260 I don't want this anymore. 307 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,795 Dude, don't look at it. That's a rookie mistake. 308 00:15:03,869 --> 00:15:05,166 We shouldn't have left Lily. 309 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:07,034 Well, if you're so worried, why don't you give her a call? 310 00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:09,131 I have. I left her, like, 20 messages. 311 00:15:09,208 --> 00:15:12,735 I said, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It's all Ted's fault!" 312 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,113 What exactly is "Ted's fault"? 313 00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,546 This! This whole thing! We were having a perfectly nice trip, 314 00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:20,278 and then you kidnapped me. You didn't even let me put on underwear! 315 00:15:20,352 --> 00:15:22,286 We never used to put on underwear! 316 00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:27,552 That was the fun of a bros' trip to Gazzola's! 317 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:31,221 We left everything and everyone behind. It was just you and me! 318 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,365 But now it's like you've disappeared into Lily. 319 00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:36,297 - That is not true. - It is true. 320 00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:37,858 You're not upset because you're worried she's mad. 321 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,030 You're upset because you'd rather be with her, eating muffins 322 00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:42,903 than here with me, eating this delicious... 323 00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,442 I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away. 324 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:49,736 You know what? That mushroom's not the only thing that's leaving. 325 00:15:52,551 --> 00:15:53,711 Car keys, please. 326 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:02,954 (GRUNTS) 327 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,592 Look at this money! 328 00:16:09,935 --> 00:16:12,631 This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, 329 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:14,104 and they all have Elton John on the back. 330 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,507 When I moved to the States, 331 00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:19,373 I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change. 332 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:23,412 And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe, 333 00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:27,076 Tim Hortons, around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, 334 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,585 and I don't belong. 335 00:16:29,254 --> 00:16:31,051 It's like I don't have a country. 336 00:16:32,257 --> 00:16:33,451 Okay, that's it. 337 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,127 Attention, Canada! 338 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,329 I am Barney from America. 339 00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:42,833 And I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. 340 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,426 Number one. Get real money. 341 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,667 Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. 342 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:52,169 Number two, and this is the biggie, 343 00:16:52,244 --> 00:16:55,702 quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away 344 00:16:56,081 --> 00:16:57,981 because, guess what? You don't want her? 345 00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,813 I'm planting my flag in her, 346 00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:01,876 if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, 347 00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:03,785 and getting her the hell out of here. 348 00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:06,916 You may now return to being pointless. 349 00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:11,990 (SIGHS) 350 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:15,700 Oh, this coffee is excellent. 351 00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,196 Oh, hey, fellas. 352 00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:23,770 It's called a tie. 353 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,984 ROGERS: Sparky was my best friend, 354 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,523 but after I married Helen, 355 00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:41,893 old Spark started to feel a little left out. 356 00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:45,161 For so long, it had been just me and him, 357 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,927 but now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place. 358 00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:52,963 What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen, 359 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,972 I still loved him, too. 360 00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,836 I had room in my heart for both of them. 361 00:17:58,210 --> 00:17:59,837 But maybe I should have put aside 362 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,813 some special ball-tossing time just for the two of us 363 00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:06,078 to make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy. 364 00:18:06,952 --> 00:18:08,579 I wish now I had, 365 00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,623 'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac 366 00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:15,387 and got splattered like a watermelon in one of them Gallagher shows. 367 00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:17,920 - I'm sorry, Ted! - I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry. 368 00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:19,054 I never should have been mad at you! 369 00:18:19,131 --> 00:18:21,326 No, I never should have brought Lily. She pees all the time, 370 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:22,731 even at the apartment. 371 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:25,528 Still bros? 372 00:18:26,405 --> 00:18:27,394 Best bros. 373 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,673 Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times? 374 00:18:31,743 --> 00:18:32,767 Hells, yeah! 375 00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:35,204 Or listen to the Sparky book again? 376 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,680 - Listen to the Sparky book again. - Okay. Let's listen to it again. 377 00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:42,282 Man, those Canadian doctors bandaged me up, 378 00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:45,448 reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, 379 00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:47,822 and they didn't even bill me. Idiots. 380 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:51,762 All right, I guess they're not idiots. 381 00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,429 The coffee was extraordinary. 382 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,993 I guess Canada's not so bad. 383 00:18:58,937 --> 00:19:02,100 They play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday. 384 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:04,668 Barney, I've thought about this. 385 00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:08,570 When you stood up and told off those people, I thought, 386 00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,740 - "Yeah, America's cool." - Hmm. 387 00:19:11,717 --> 00:19:13,981 And then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you, 388 00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:16,577 I thought, "Yeah, Canada's pretty cool, too." 389 00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:21,423 In fact, after you passed out, I may have taken a few pokes myself. 390 00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,289 So, I've decided, dual citizenship. 391 00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:27,365 I'm going to be American and Canadian. 392 00:19:27,799 --> 00:19:30,324 - Wait, you can do that? - Yeah, dummy. 393 00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:34,470 Instead of being a woman with no country, I'm going to be a woman with two. 394 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,338 I see. 395 00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:37,700 You understand? 396 00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,871 No, I can see out of my left eye again. 397 00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:51,885 Hey, baby? Baby? 398 00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:55,652 - Mmm-hmm? Yeah? - I'm so sorry that we left you. 399 00:19:58,130 --> 00:19:59,688 Did you go somewhere, sweetie? 400 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:06,260 OLDER TED: Yes, kids, it turns out Crumpet Manor had pampered Lily 401 00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:09,034 into a nearly comatose state of relaxation. 402 00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:10,938 She didn't even notice we were gone. 403 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:12,775 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 404 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,907 (MOANING) 405 00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:17,407 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 406 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:18,847 Oh! 407 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:23,417 Oh, yeah... 408 00:20:24,356 --> 00:20:26,017 So, I had a great time, too. 409 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,456 That's good. And I'm so sorry you didn't get any pizza. 410 00:20:29,628 --> 00:20:30,925 That's okay. 411 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:34,557 OLDER TED: And if she didn't mean it then, she certainly meant it 19 minutes later. 412 00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:35,960 God, my stomach! 413 00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,866 Damn you, Gazzola's! (GROANS) 414 00:20:39,004 --> 00:20:41,199 It's like a hot ball of lead! 415 00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:43,435 Baby, cut it out of me. 416 00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:45,501 Cut it out! 417 00:20:50,515 --> 00:20:52,176 That was a wild trip, huh, Ted? 418 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,650 I know. It was kind of crazy. 419 00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:56,017 But how great is it to drink some Tantrum again? 420 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:57,817 You know who had fun, was Lily. 421 00:20:57,889 --> 00:21:00,949 Lily drank like, four cans of the stuff. Right, Lil? 422 00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:02,851 Where's Lily? 423 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:06,158 Tantrum! I have to pee. 424 00:21:32,991 --> 00:21:33,980 ENGLISH - US - SDH