1
00:00:04,104 --> 00:00:06,629
OLDER TED: Kids, the secret to dating
is very simple.
2
00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:11,075
Be confident, be comfortable in your skin,
be assured of who you are.
3
00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:13,476
Uncle Barney was really good
at that last one,
4
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:17,004
even though a lot of the time, who he was
was someone else.
5
00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:22,145
Hi. You see that guy over there
in the scuba suit?
6
00:00:24,224 --> 00:00:26,886
- You thinking of going and talking to him?
- No.
7
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,726
Good. He's seriously the biggest jerk
on the face of the Earth.
8
00:00:30,797 --> 00:00:33,322
- How do you know him?
- He's one of my best friends.
9
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:37,567
- So, what's with the scuba suit?
- Well, it's a long story.
10
00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:39,264
See, he just went through a breakup.
11
00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:43,402
OLDER TED: There's two basic philosophies
of how to handle yourself after a breakup.
12
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:45,942
- Some people throw themselves into...
- My career.
13
00:00:46,012 --> 00:00:47,707
That's my number one focus right now.
14
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:51,182
From now on, no more dating.
It's all about work.
15
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:52,911
OLDER TED: While others
throw themselves into...
16
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:55,216
Every woman in New York City.
17
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,414
That's right,
Barney Stinson is back on the market.
18
00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:02,393
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
Daughters, lock up your Milswancas.
19
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,697
- "Milswancas"?
- Wait, I can get this.
20
00:01:05,432 --> 00:01:07,798
"Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With
and Never Call Again."
21
00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:09,892
Correct. Circle gets the square.
22
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:12,699
Don't you think
you're kind of rushing back into this?
23
00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:16,572
Lily, since I started dating Robin,
there's a certain thing
24
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,611
I haven't used as much as I would like to.
25
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:24,278
It's kind of big, surprisingly heavy,
kind of leathery,
26
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,613
- and it's black.
- Huh?
27
00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:31,690
This, my friends, is The Playbook.
28
00:01:31,714 --> 00:01:40,714
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
29
00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:52,972
The Playbook contains every scam, con,
hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,
30
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:56,482
stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used,
or ever hoped to use,
31
00:01:56,549 --> 00:01:59,814
to pick up chicks
and give them the business.
32
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,221
MARSHALL: Wow. You wrote
another book? It's...
33
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,985
We got a Stephen King over here.
34
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:09,721
It's all in here.
35
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,459
Everything from basic moves, like
"The Don't Drink That."
36
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,669
Whoa, whoa! Don't drink that!
I saw some guys slip something in there.
37
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,606
- What? Who?
- Uh... That guy.
38
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:26,402
(TED GRUNTING)
39
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:27,810
Thank you.
40
00:02:30,316 --> 00:02:33,444
To more advanced maneuvers, like
"The Mrs. Stinsfire."
41
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:40,255
Now, Kappas, after our disciplinary
hearing for lewd behavior last semester,
42
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,590
we have been assigned a new house mom.
43
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:45,460
I'd like you to meet Mrs. Stinsfire.
44
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:47,823
Hello, girls!
45
00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:54,971
Wow! I can't picture a way
that wouldn't work.
46
00:02:56,042 --> 00:02:59,808
- What's "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"?
- I'm glad you asked.
47
00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:03,975
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be
my grand return to the stage.
48
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:05,984
Or, you know, the bed.
49
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,211
Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage.
50
00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:11,086
I put a platform underneath, I got
some lights going. It's a real production.
51
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:12,624
Barney exits!
52
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,894
So how about you, Robin?
You getting back out there?
53
00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:18,260
- Where's your Playbook?
- My Playbook?
54
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:21,630
Bro, two-volume set, right here.
55
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:24,835
- It's a great read, actually.
- Yeah, I'm reading it right now.
56
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,430
Anyway, I told you already.
I'm taking a break from all that.
57
00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:29,805
Mmm-hmm.
Marshall, it's totally gonna happen.
58
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:30,900
It's so gonna happen.
59
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:32,706
- What's gonna happen?
- You're gonna fall in love.
60
00:03:32,779 --> 00:03:35,043
- So soon.
- (LAUGHS) Not likely.
61
00:03:35,114 --> 00:03:37,378
I'm focusing on my career.
I'm done with dating.
62
00:03:37,450 --> 00:03:39,816
Oh, oh! Okay,
we're playing the Pyramid, okay.
63
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,945
Things people say right before they meet
the love of their life.
64
00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:45,957
Oh! Kelly Harris,
girl I went to law school with, said,
65
00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:49,256
"Hey, law school's so hard.
I just wanna focus on my studies."
66
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:50,626
Six months later...
67
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:51,686
(MARSHALL READING)
68
00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:54,256
- Well, that's all well and good for Kelly.
- Travis Frenchroy,
69
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:55,733
backup bartender, tells me...
70
00:03:55,802 --> 00:03:57,633
I'm so over the whole dating game.
71
00:03:57,704 --> 00:04:00,400
I just wanna focus
on my Star Trek fan fiction.
72
00:04:00,473 --> 00:04:01,963
Six months later...
73
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,065
(TED READING)
74
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,710
- May I respond?
- Mmm-hmm.
75
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:08,440
- Well, that's all well and good for them.
- Matthew Blitz,
76
00:04:08,514 --> 00:04:10,675
accountant in my office, says...
77
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,910
Oh, I'm gonna die single and alone.
78
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,454
I might as well just focus
on this year's taxes.
79
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:16,545
Six months later...
80
00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:17,681
(MARSHALL READING)
81
00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:24,321
Protest all you want,
but it's gonna happen.
82
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:27,059
- It's a law of nature.
- Lawyered, of nature.
83
00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:29,360
Believe me, I'd love to have
no interest in a relationship.
84
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:32,404
There's no way I'd be single right now
if I wanted to be single.
85
00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:35,202
- Okay. Now you're ready.
- Ready for what?
86
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,267
Three years ago, this girl, Shelly,
started teaching at my school.
87
00:04:38,344 --> 00:04:41,836
The moment I saw her, I was like,
"This is the girl for Ted."
88
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,279
Why am I just hearing about her now?
89
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,338
Ah.
90
00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:46,475
You know, I usually hate being set up,
91
00:04:46,552 --> 00:04:49,385
- but this Ted just sounds so great.
- Oh, he is.
92
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:52,049
He's so sweet and thoughtful
and intelligent.
93
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,754
MARSHALL: Come on, buddy! One more
chicken finger and the crown is yours!
94
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:01,430
Mmm. I don't see him anywhere.
He must be out doing charity work.
95
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,264
So, different bar?
96
00:05:04,837 --> 00:05:05,826
(TED MUMBLING)
97
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:11,075
- Oh, yeah. She was cute.
- Yeah. Still is.
98
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,578
- And now you're ready.
- Yeah, bro. Now you can fit, like,
99
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,238
three times as many chicken fingers
in your mouth.
100
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,112
- You know it.
- Okay. I will set it up.
101
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:19,913
But promise me
you won't do anything stupid.
102
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:22,716
I promise, I won't do anything stupid.
103
00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:26,158
OLDER TED: And I kept that promise,
but only because
104
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,188
she never showed up.
105
00:05:31,230 --> 00:05:34,859
- I know, I'm sorry. I feel terrible.
- You should feel terrible.
106
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,458
- I do feel terrible.
- You should.
107
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:37,525
- I do.
- You should!
108
00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:39,571
- I do. I do.
- You should.
109
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,197
I don't.
110
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,401
Look, I was really looking forward
to meeting Ted,
111
00:05:43,476 --> 00:05:47,936
but I got to the bar an hour early,
and I met this amazing guy,
112
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,675
like, seriously amazing.
113
00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:53,042
- And you met him at MacLaren's?
- Yeah, right at the bar.
114
00:05:53,219 --> 00:05:54,686
What's his name?
115
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:57,656
I shouldn't say.
116
00:05:58,157 --> 00:06:01,422
What the heck?
It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!
117
00:06:03,062 --> 00:06:05,292
You son of a bitch!
118
00:06:13,239 --> 00:06:16,208
So he hooked up with Shelly?
You must have been pissed.
119
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:17,401
Damn straight!
120
00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:21,406
Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted
for three years.
121
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:23,608
Dude, Ted was not missing out.
122
00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:27,244
She's brainy and annoying,
kind of boring in the sack.
123
00:06:27,653 --> 00:06:30,588
I guess she would have been perfect
for Ted. Oops.
124
00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:31,881
(EX CLAIMS)
125
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:34,984
Okay, had I known that she was there
to meet Ted,
126
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,029
of course I wouldn't have done it.
127
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:39,929
But given the circumstances,
I think Ted will be proud of me.
128
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:43,594
I pulled off "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!"
129
00:06:43,669 --> 00:06:45,967
Okay, what's "The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn"?
130
00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:47,767
My question exactly.
131
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,604
Okay, what's "The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn"?
132
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,268
Glad you asked.
133
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,977
BARNEY: "To perform
'The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn,'
134
00:06:56,048 --> 00:06:57,174
"here's what you'll need.
135
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,947
"Basic knowledge of Web site design,
and a very unique fake name.
136
00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:03,716
"So, think of your fake name right now.
137
00:07:05,191 --> 00:07:07,182
"Have you got it? Good.
138
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,353
"Now, select your target,
139
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,865
"preferably a girl with a real nice phone."
140
00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:17,126
(SIGHS)
141
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:22,535
- Yeah, it's me.
- Do I know you?
142
00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:31,783
- I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
- Are you, like, famous or something?
143
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,745
Yes. What are you... I'm...
144
00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:41,358
You really don't know who I am, do you?
What a refreshing change of pace.
145
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:44,089
- Nice to meet you... Shelly.
- Shelly.
146
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,925
Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
147
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:52,197
Spelled like it sounds, two "T's".
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
148
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,603
(SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN)
149
00:07:55,107 --> 00:07:57,598
BARNEY: "Then, as soon as you're gone,
she gets out her phone
150
00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:01,511
"and does an Internet search
for 'Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.'
151
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:05,642
"And that's when she discovers
a series of fake Web sites,
152
00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:09,085
"all devoted to the incredible life
of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
153
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,555
"There's the fake business article
about Lorenzo,
154
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:12,818
"the reclusive billionaire.
155
00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:15,224
"The fake explorers' club newsletter
describing his balloon trek
156
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,990
"to the North Pole as a feat
of pure daring and imagination.
157
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,089
"The fake medical journal featuring
the heartbreaking story
158
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:23,431
"of doctors telling him
penis reduction surgery isn't an option.
159
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:24,868
"And by the time you get back..."
160
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:29,135
Hi. Shelly, I hate to be forward,
but can I buy you a cup of coffee?
161
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:30,903
Yes, please.
162
00:08:32,411 --> 00:08:35,710
- What does coffee go for these days, $50?
- Oh! Lorenzo.
163
00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:39,313
BARNEY: "And it is on."
164
00:08:41,954 --> 00:08:47,085
That's awful! You realize you broke
her heart, right? She's inconsolable.
165
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:49,353
Why would she be inconsolable?
166
00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:52,829
Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear
over the Arctic for another week.
167
00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:57,233
The only way she would be upset is if
someone told her it was all a bunch of lies.
168
00:08:57,670 --> 00:09:01,697
- It was all just a bunch of lies?
- It was all just a bunch of lies.
169
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:03,935
- The balloon expedition?
- Lies!
170
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,739
The man-made island shaped like his face,
171
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:08,143
- off the coast of Dubai?
- Lies!
172
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,512
Finishing third
in the laser tag competition?
173
00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:13,484
Oh! Actually, that one's true. I went to that.
174
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,885
- You went to the Vatican?
- Lies!
175
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:22,421
Oh, my God!
Well, I hope you're happy with yourself!
176
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:25,328
- What?
- You broke that girl's heart.
177
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,831
- Me?
- You!
178
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,065
She'll probably never trust a guy again.
179
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,763
You ruined her for Ted,
180
00:09:31,837 --> 00:09:36,240
not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn,
Lorenzo's twin brother.
181
00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:40,245
Can you believe that? He blames me!
182
00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,014
And by the way, Ted,
I bet she'd still go out with you.
183
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,643
Hmm. Let me think, do I wanna go out
with a girl Barney hooked up with?
184
00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,720
- Guys, help me out with the harmonies.
- Sure.
185
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,255
- (SINGING) Hell, no
- (SINGING) Hell, no
186
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:53,815
- (SINGING) Hell, no
- (SINGING) Hell, no
187
00:09:55,294 --> 00:09:57,353
Well, you must be
a little bothered by this?
188
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,488
Well, it's his life.
189
00:09:58,564 --> 00:10:01,863
Look, if these girls are dumb enough
to fall for this crap, they have it coming.
190
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,597
Agreed. Have you seen the one in there
labeled "The SNASA"?
191
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:09,741
Wow, you're an astronaut?
192
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:15,042
(SHUSHING) I'm actually in a top-secret
government space program
193
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:19,107
called "Secret NASA" or "SNASA."
194
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:21,980
- Wow. "SNASA."
- Mmm-hmm.
195
00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:25,620
- Do you go to the moon and stuff?
- Well, not the moon you're familiar with.
196
00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:28,421
Though, I have been to the "smoon."
197
00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:32,089
Wow. The "smoon."
198
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:40,238
If you fall for that one, my heart breaks
for you, but I'm sorry, you're a "smoron."
199
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:43,773
- So, what happens next?
- (SIGHING) Well...
200
00:10:43,909 --> 00:10:45,877
Come on, Barney. You just...
201
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:50,312
You just got out of
an honest-to-God relationship.
202
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:54,485
You're a real boy now.
You can't go back to these cheap tricks.
203
00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:58,319
Cheap tricks?
Not one of these is a cheap trick.
204
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,983
Except for "The Cheap Trick."
205
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:03,486
I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
206
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:09,668
And even that one involves
expensive hair extensions.
207
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,326
Now, if you don't mind,
208
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,304
I am off to prepare
for tonight's main event.
209
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:16,535
I will be performing
"The He's Not Coming."
210
00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:18,500
Glad you asked.
211
00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:23,240
BARNEY: "To perform 'The He's Not
Coming, 'here's what you'll need.
212
00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:25,715
"The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.
213
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:28,151
"Are you up there? Good.
214
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,855
"For generations, this has been the spot
New Yorkers have chosen
215
00:11:30,923 --> 00:11:33,858
"for their romantic reunions
with long-estranged lovers.
216
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:36,918
"So, all you have to do is walk up
to every girl you see, and say..."
217
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:38,691
He's not coming.
218
00:11:38,831 --> 00:11:41,527
- What are you talking about?
- Never mind.
219
00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,328
He's not coming.
220
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:47,569
He's not coming.
221
00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:51,399
She's not coming? Sorry.
222
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,405
BARNEY: "Until sooner or later..."
223
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,640
(SIGHING)
224
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:58,009
He's not coming.
225
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,180
He's not? But we agreed.
226
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:06,154
We always said we'd meet here,
on this night.
227
00:12:06,492 --> 00:12:07,481
(GASPS)
228
00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:10,589
(CRYING) I'm such a fool.
229
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,330
All right, I'm gonna go get the paper.
230
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,304
- More like go get a husband.
- Yeah, totally.
231
00:12:20,372 --> 00:12:22,363
Okay, you guys, just stop that, seriously.
232
00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:24,909
The last thing I'm looking for right now
is a relationship.
233
00:12:24,977 --> 00:12:26,444
TED: Uh-huh. When you pick up
that newspaper,
234
00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:28,571
be sure to check
the wedding announcements
235
00:12:28,647 --> 00:12:29,978
for yours.
236
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,379
MARSHALL: Robin, it's like this.
237
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,281
Do you have any idea
how many times in my life
238
00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:36,150
I've gone to the freezer looking
for frozen waffles and not found them?
239
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:37,519
- Thousands?
- Millions.
240
00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:41,851
But when I go to the freezer looking for
a Popsicle or the remote control,
241
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,259
because Lily and I are having a fight
and she's hidden it there,
242
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,820
you know what I find?
243
00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:46,922
Frozen waffles.
244
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:49,866
That's how it works.
If you go out there, looking for a paper,
245
00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:53,894
you're coming back with frozen waffles,
and in this case, frozen waffles is a guy.
246
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:58,069
Also, could you pick up
some frozen waffles?
247
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:03,273
In that case,
frozen waffles are frozen waffles.
248
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:04,338
(TED CHUCKLING)
249
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:08,845
Guys, code red, emergency, lockdown!
Nobody's leaving!
250
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:11,718
- What happened?
- I tried the "He's Not Coming,"
251
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,283
and it worked, gangbusters.
You should have seen this girl.
252
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:16,521
(VOCALIZING)
253
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:19,326
Okay, I'm leaving.
254
00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:21,724
So, we get up to my place,
255
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,532
and I go into my room to set up
the camera... To light the candles.
256
00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:30,065
And when I come out, she's gone,
and so is The Playbook.
257
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,411
I think we all know
who is responsible for this.
258
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:37,881
- Yeah, we do.
- Yeah. Al-Qaeda.
259
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:42,078
No, you idiot! It was me.
260
00:13:44,123 --> 00:13:46,318
You son of a bitch!
261
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,631
Wow, you stole The Playbook?
262
00:13:56,702 --> 00:14:00,365
- So the girl on the Empire State Building?
- A friend of mine, an actress.
263
00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:06,002
An actress, of course! That explains
her impeccable diction and her sluttiness.
264
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:09,011
Barney, I've got half a mind
to take that Playbook
265
00:14:09,081 --> 00:14:11,641
and put it up on the Internet
for the whole world to see.
266
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:13,309
- You wouldn't!
- I won't,
267
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:17,754
as long as you agree to no more scams,
no more cons, no more hustles,
268
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:19,723
no more hoodwinks, no more gambits,
269
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,953
no more stratagems
and no more bamboozles.
270
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,016
(BARNEY SIGHING)
271
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,924
I noticed you left out flimflams.
272
00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:27,465
- No more flimflams!
- Damn it!
273
00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:31,293
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this.
274
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:34,895
No!
275
00:14:37,176 --> 00:14:39,144
I got left at the altar.
276
00:14:43,148 --> 00:14:45,343
Oh, my God, that's horrible!
277
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,318
Wonder if that would work.
278
00:14:47,419 --> 00:14:49,011
That's not even the worst one in there.
279
00:14:49,088 --> 00:14:52,421
Have you guys seen
"The My Penis Grants Wishes"?
280
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:58,657
- Really? A genie comes out of it?
- Only if you rub it hard enough.
281
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,934
- So, then what happened?
- It says here, " He breaks into song,
282
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:06,301
"and then the furniture comes to life
and dances with him."
283
00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:09,466
It's not very well thought out.
It's no Mrs. Stinsfire.
284
00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:13,170
- No, what happened in real life?
- Well, a few hours later...
285
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:14,644
(LOUD BANGING ON DOOR)
286
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,311
You know, I heard it was gonna rain.
287
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:26,017
If anyone's interested,
I will be at MacLaren's Pub
288
00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:30,187
performing a play out of The Playbook
entitled, "The Scuba Diver."
289
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:31,889
That is all.
290
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:37,963
Okay, that's it. I'm putting The Playbook
up on the Internet.
291
00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:40,830
Baby, can you put The Playbook
up on the Internet?
292
00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:43,374
Yeah, of course, baby.
But here's the weird thing,
293
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:46,172
I've literally been through this book
cover to cover.
294
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,439
There's no play in here called
"The Scuba Diver."
295
00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:55,145
Oh! So, now you guys wanna know
what "The Scuba Diver" is?
296
00:15:55,387 --> 00:15:59,721
Well, it was on the last page
of The Playbook,
297
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,784
but I ripped it out, just in case.
298
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:05,557
Don't worry, though.
You're about to see it in action.
299
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:08,225
See the blonde over there by the bar?
300
00:16:09,335 --> 00:16:11,963
Tizzarget aquizired.
301
00:16:12,037 --> 00:16:15,063
- Barney, don't do this.
- God, give it a rest, pest.
302
00:16:15,774 --> 00:16:17,765
If anyone should be mad,
it should be Robin.
303
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:21,279
- She loves The Playbook.
- I don't love The Playbook.
304
00:16:21,347 --> 00:16:24,009
What are you... The Playbook, it's gold.
305
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,051
You gotta admit, it's pretty spectac.
306
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:28,643
Look, Barney, we just broke up.
307
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:33,283
I mean, yes, the costumes are cute,
but we just broke up.
308
00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:38,960
Well, I didn't know you felt that way.
309
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,360
I guess I've been so wrapped up
in my own stuff that I...
310
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:45,335
Oh, crap, she's looking over here.
Quick, everyone, scatter.
311
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:49,806
(SIGHING) That's it.
312
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:54,338
Hi. You see that guy over there
in the scuba suit?
313
00:16:54,813 --> 00:16:58,340
- And that brings us to right now.
- Wow.
314
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:02,177
But wait.
So, why is he wearing scuba gear?
315
00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:06,418
We don't know and it's killing us, Claire.
It's killing us.
316
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,719
Well, let's go ask him.
317
00:17:10,929 --> 00:17:14,831
So what's "The Scuba Diver"?
And this is Claire, by the way.
318
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:18,831
Hello, Claire.
My name is Lieutenant Frank Lyman.
319
00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:22,135
I train bomb-sniffing dolphins for the...
320
00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,073
You know what?
321
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:28,877
(STUTTERING) I can't do this.
322
00:17:28,947 --> 00:17:31,711
Robin, I am so sorry.
323
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:35,718
I guess this breakup's been tougher on me
than I thought.
324
00:17:36,822 --> 00:17:39,620
I think this Playbook was just a way
to take my mind off of things.
325
00:17:41,126 --> 00:17:43,492
It's okay. It's been tough on me, too.
326
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,757
I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.
327
00:17:45,831 --> 00:17:47,958
- She's so about to get married.
- I gotta work on my toast.
328
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:49,432
I gotta make sure my tux fits.
329
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:52,129
I will bang your heads together
like coconuts.
330
00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,538
Barney, I'm so glad you're stopping this.
331
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:59,270
And, frankly,
the real Barney is way cooler
332
00:17:59,344 --> 00:18:01,437
than any of the fake Barneys
in this Playbook.
333
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:02,741
Is that right?
334
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:05,978
Claire, you've probably heard a lot
about the real Barney tonight.
335
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:09,418
- Wanna grab a cup of coffee?
- Okay, Claire, before you turn him down,
336
00:18:09,488 --> 00:18:13,015
I think you should know
that under this neoprene suit,
337
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,459
with what appears to be a tube sock
stuffed in the crotch...
338
00:18:16,528 --> 00:18:18,359
Can of Pringles, but go on.
339
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,660
...is an amazing guy.
340
00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:24,429
He's fun and one of my best friends
341
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:26,266
and he landed this hottie.
342
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:28,706
He's a good guy.
343
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:33,511
- Come on, Claire, go out with him.
- MARSHALL: It's just a cup of coffee, right?
344
00:18:33,579 --> 00:18:35,206
- Yeah, come on.
- Yeah, it can't hurt.
345
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,408
All right, all right. Let's get some coffee.
346
00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:43,182
OLDER TED: And by the end of the night...
347
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:44,882
I'm proud of that guy.
348
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,084
To be that vulnerable
takes a lot of Pringles.
349
00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:48,316
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
350
00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:52,329
Whoo! I got a text from Barney.
"Look under the table."
351
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,493
(LILY EX CLAIMS)
352
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,863
- It's a page from The Playbook.
- What's it say?
353
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,839
It's "The Scuba Diver."
354
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:08,168
BARNEY: "Step one, tell a meddlesome
female friend about The Playbook.
355
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:10,112
"Step two, run a play on
one of her co-workers
356
00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:11,979
"making her so angry
she steals The Playbook.
357
00:19:12,050 --> 00:19:14,211
"Step three, put on the scuba suit,
and tell her you're going to do
358
00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:17,278
"one more scam, called 'The Scuba Diver,'
on the hot girl standing by the bar.
359
00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:19,756
"Your friend, let's call her Lily,
goes and talks to the girl
360
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,087
"and tells her everything
about The Playbook.
361
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,457
"Now, here's where it gets tricky.
362
00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:25,156
"When Lily and the girl ask what
'The Scuba Diver'is, take off your mask,
363
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:27,289
"give them some spiel about
your deep-seated insecurities,
364
00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:29,664
"which don't really exist
because, let's face it, you're awesome.
365
00:19:29,735 --> 00:19:31,498
"Feeling bad for you,
Lily talks you up to the girl,
366
00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,561
"who then agrees to
go get coffee with you.
367
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:37,871
"And it is on."
368
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:46,743
You son of a bitch!
369
00:19:51,823 --> 00:19:54,587
I'll give you a call. All right, bye-bye.
370
00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:59,930
For those of you keeping score,
"The Ted Mosby" works.
371
00:19:59,998 --> 00:20:00,987
Shh.
372
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,967
Robin, here we go.
373
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,061
You say you don't want a relationship.
374
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:09,630
Well, the love of your life
is about to walk through the door, and it's
375
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:12,636
that guy.
376
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:15,506
Yeah, I'm not falling in love with that guy.
377
00:20:15,581 --> 00:20:19,483
Right, right, right.
'Cause it's gonna be that guy.
378
00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:24,546
I don't know, the blue blazer is just, like,
not doing it for me, so...
379
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:27,854
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right
'cause here he comes. It's that guy.
380
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,864
Robin, you should at least
give her a chance.
381
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:36,264
You know, make out with her a little.
See if there's something there.
382
00:20:36,335 --> 00:20:37,893
- Okay, I'm going to work.
- Yeah, you are.
383
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,301
No, I'm actually going to work.
384
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:40,395
- Uh-huh.
- Mmm-hmm.
385
00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:41,564
- Go to work...
- Work...
386
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,335
OLDER TED: And the ironic part was...
387
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:46,036
- Hi. Are you Robin?
- Yeah.
388
00:20:46,111 --> 00:20:47,601
I'm Don, your new co-host.
389
00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:50,648
OLDER TED: ... that was the day
she met Don.
390
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:52,946
Damn it, Marshall.
391
00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:19,899
ENGLISH - US - SDH