1 00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:04,494 OLDER TED: Kids, you never know when you're about to meet 2 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:05,731 someone really important. 3 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,107 It's not like life gives you a warning. 4 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:11,077 You just look up and there they are. 5 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,809 Come on, we're going to go get trashed on the roof. 6 00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,179 OLDER TED: No, not that dude. 7 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:17,444 Her. 8 00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,678 I'm good, Boomer. 9 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:23,618 - My name's not Boomer. - Oh, in my head, it is. 10 00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:27,356 Gentlemen, I'm a faculty member, and you're underage, 11 00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:31,488 so it's my duty to confiscate this and this and... 12 00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:33,826 Hard lemonade? 13 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,493 You know what, Boomer? You can keep that. 14 00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:39,430 I swear, every week I get asked by some frat guy to a kegger, 15 00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:41,565 and I say, " I'm a PhD candidate 16 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:44,167 "writing a dissertation entitled 'Foreign Direct Investment 17 00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:46,371 "'and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior.'" 18 00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:47,504 (LAUGHS) 19 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,048 And what does frat guy say to that? 20 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:50,639 (IN DEEP VOICE) "That's hot." 21 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:51,706 (LAUGHS) 22 00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:52,809 Actually, that is kind of hot. 23 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,183 (LAUGHS) 24 00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,047 - Ted, I have a confession. - Hmm. 25 00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:58,421 I recognize you. 26 00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:01,356 Do you remember the first day of classes last semester? 27 00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,555 Econ 305? 28 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:06,128 OLDER TED: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. 29 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,668 I thought I was in Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. 30 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:11,999 Of course, what I didn't know was 31 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,632 that your mother was somewhere in that class, 32 00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,733 and she thought I was a complete idiot. 33 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,575 I thought you were a complete idiot. 34 00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:19,634 (SIGHS) 35 00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,374 But a very cute idiot. 36 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:23,872 (CHUCKLES) 37 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:27,349 So, um, do you ever date cute idiots? 38 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,252 Almost exclusively. 39 00:01:29,276 --> 00:01:37,276 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 40 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:47,137 She's a PhD candidate. She reads philosophy for fun. 41 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:51,075 She does the Sunday crossword every week and finishes it. 42 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:52,441 - Ooh. - BARNEY: Wow. 43 00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,503 Ted, I am so happy for you. 44 00:01:54,581 --> 00:01:57,277 Sorry, not for you, happy I'm not you. 45 00:01:57,818 --> 00:02:00,378 Long story short, I have a date tonight. 46 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,215 Oh, yay. 47 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:04,018 (CROWD CLAMORING) 48 00:02:04,891 --> 00:02:07,382 Thanks, New York, I'll try not to screw it up. 49 00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:12,497 What's going on? There's a huge line outside MacLaren's. 50 00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,126 And why is it almost entirely dudes? 51 00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:18,569 Only two things could cause that kind of commotion. 52 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,799 Boobs. 53 00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:28,273 Ladies and gentlemen, MacLaren's has hired a hot bartender. 54 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:31,647 (MAN SINGING) Sweet cherry pie, yeah 55 00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:34,443 Look at all these guys. 56 00:02:34,521 --> 00:02:38,048 Oh, the sidewalk's going to smell like pee-pee now. 57 00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,491 Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar. 58 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,758 What, are you... What... Are you crazy? It is a hot bartender. 59 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:48,733 Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a... 60 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:52,260 My friends, I have been with many women in my day. 61 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:57,538 Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors, 62 00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:01,069 professional equestrians, amateur equestrians, 63 00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:04,413 a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker... 64 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,213 Yes, we're to the rhyming section now. 65 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:11,121 A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser. 66 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,286 A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer, 67 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:17,228 a stay-at-home mom... That's a job, too, guys. 68 00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:18,389 A circuit court judge... 69 00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:19,454 Get to the point! 70 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:24,903 I have never, ever scored a hot bartender. 71 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,870 Until tonight. 72 00:03:27,107 --> 00:03:28,768 She's really not that hot. 73 00:03:29,276 --> 00:03:32,211 Oh, is someone jealous of all the attention? 74 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:34,577 Did somebody fancy herself the hottest girl in the bar? 75 00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,879 Gosh, no. Shut up! 76 00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:41,946 - All right, wish me luck. - It's never going to happen. 77 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,887 Barney, she's just going to pretend to like you 78 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,323 the same way she hypnotized all these geniuses. 79 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,623 Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell? 80 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,387 I'm gonna be all, "Drop the act, baby doll. Daddy needs a gin and tonic." 81 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:55,663 Then when she brings it, I'll just spit it out and say, "Try again." 82 00:03:56,136 --> 00:04:00,232 Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs, on top. 83 00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:03,140 Then after a few minutes, on the bottom. Why should I do all the work? 84 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,769 - Hi, Marshall. - Hey, guys, what's happening? 85 00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,975 - New super-hot bartender. - Oh, yeah? 86 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,246 - Eh. - Ha! 87 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,515 See? Marshall doesn't think she's hot either. 88 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,056 Yes, he does. 89 00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:19,957 Baby, you don't have to pretend other women aren't attractive 90 00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,254 just for my sake. 91 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,955 (SCOFFS) I know, and if that woman were anywhere near as hot 92 00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:27,693 as the woman I'm married to, then I'd admit it. But she's not. 93 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:31,431 (GIGGLES) Baby, you're so sweet, but compared to that woman, 94 00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,735 I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage. 95 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,867 Well, I call 'em like I see 'em, 96 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:40,640 and I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. 97 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,280 See, that's just annoying. 98 00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:46,450 - Oh, my God, you are so funny. - (MUMBLES) 99 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,851 - That'll be $6.75. - Here's a 50, keep the change. 100 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,447 Thank you. 101 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,355 Amateurs. Hey. 102 00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:56,988 - What do you want? - Drop the act, baby doll... 103 00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,496 Wait, what? 104 00:04:58,565 --> 00:04:59,691 Are you gonna order a drink 105 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:01,529 or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid? 106 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,796 - Um... - I don't know how to make an "um." 107 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:06,134 Is that equal parts vodka and get-the-hell-out-of-my-face? 108 00:05:07,607 --> 00:05:09,097 Hey, Bobby! 109 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:14,514 OLDER TED: Later that night, I embarked upon a very important first date. 110 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:15,878 - How are you? - Good. Come in. 111 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:16,973 OLDER TED: It's funny. 112 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,075 Sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before... 113 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,346 - Just one sec. - Sure. 114 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:21,478 OLDER TED: ... but you get the feeling 115 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,023 you're exactly where you're supposed to be. 116 00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:29,926 And, kids, that's the first time I ever saw your mother's little yellow bus. 117 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,190 You know the one. 118 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,157 It's right behind you. 119 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,834 Hey, this is cute. 120 00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,674 Actually, it's my roommate's. 121 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,947 OLDER TED: So, there I was, kids, standing in your mother's apartment. 122 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:52,917 Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate, Cindy. 123 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:56,353 Sorry, I shouldn't be messing with your roommate's stuff. 124 00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:57,549 (CHUCKLES) 125 00:05:57,624 --> 00:05:58,921 What's she like? 126 00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,584 OLDER TED: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear 127 00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:03,925 the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry. 128 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,828 She's a whore. 129 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,231 - I think she's a dominatrix. - What? 130 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:11,929 Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true. 131 00:06:12,639 --> 00:06:14,664 I have a bit of a roommate complex. 132 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:15,901 Why? 133 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,171 Guys are always falling in love with her. 134 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,236 Hey, hey, look at me. 135 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,981 I promise you 136 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,347 I am not going to fall in love with your roommate. 137 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:26,646 OLDER TED: Oops. 138 00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:31,154 Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it. 139 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,454 That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar. 140 00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:35,517 (COUGHS) Second hottest. 141 00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:37,861 I repeat... 142 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,356 Eh. 143 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:43,528 (SCOFFS) Baby, how could you not want to hit that? I want to hit that. 144 00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:47,198 If you don't want to hit that, I'm sorry, but you might be gay. 145 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,072 Hell, yeah, I'm gay. Gay for you. 146 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,311 Whatever. Did you find out why 147 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:55,837 I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise? 148 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,440 I did, um, 149 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,480 you're not going to like the answer. 150 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:04,151 My last three boyfriends were Wall Street guys. Bastards. 151 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:07,557 So, I vowed never again to date a guy who wears suits. 152 00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:09,320 Huh! 153 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:12,898 Okay, well, that's easy. All I have to do is stop wearing suits. 154 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:16,561 Oh, that's all, Barney? Come on, you're never not in a suit. 155 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:23,934 True. But for those... I mean, for that... 156 00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:26,205 I mean, for her, 157 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:29,715 I will stop wearing... 158 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,979 - Wait for it. - We know you're going to say "suits." 159 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,112 ...suits. 160 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,586 (MARSHALL AND LILY GASP) 161 00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,055 OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Cindy and I were having a lovely evening, 162 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,524 except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex. 163 00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:42,522 And another weird thing about my roommate, 164 00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:45,792 she does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports. 165 00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,231 Yeah, that is weird. 166 00:07:48,768 --> 00:07:50,998 OLDER TED: I was lying. That sounded awesome. 167 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:54,507 Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor is hanging up in the den as we speak. 168 00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:59,374 Yeah. And she has this crazy habit of making breakfast food sing show tunes. 169 00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,213 That's just bizarre. 170 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,748 OLDER TED: Your mother's rendition ofMemories 171 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,341 as performed by an English muffin is, to this day, 172 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:08,012 the most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard. 173 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,521 (CIND Y SCOFFS) 174 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:12,649 Look, I'm sold. I hate this girl. 175 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,524 I'm sorry. 176 00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:16,994 Look, she's not that bad. I just get a little jealous. 177 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:20,093 I don't know why. You're awesome. 178 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,632 OLDER TED: But not as awesome as your mother. 179 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,429 And speaking of things that are less awesome, 180 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,973 your Uncle Barney had officially suited down. 181 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,307 I am so sorry I misjudged you. 182 00:08:31,878 --> 00:08:34,574 If there is one type of person that I cannot stand, 183 00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,808 - it is a man in a suit. - Ugh. 184 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,644 That, and a woman who has no respect for herself. 185 00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:41,482 - Ugh. - Yeah. 186 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,586 Suits and insecure women. I hate them. 187 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,891 Just hate them. 188 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:52,625 - Hey. - Hey, how was your date with Cindy? 189 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,793 Well, last night was great, today not so much. 190 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:56,961 What, why? 191 00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,331 I found out the school's policy 192 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:02,170 about students and professors dating is really strict. 193 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:04,074 I could lose my scholarship. 194 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,574 Yeah, but it's not like you're in my class. 195 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,580 I mean, we're not even in the same department. 196 00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:11,245 I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it. 197 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:16,715 - She's completely overreacting, right? - Actually, Ted, she has a point. 198 00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:19,320 Yeah, and think about it. If the rules are that strict, 199 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,485 you could be putting your job in jeopardy. 200 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,755 I think you got to let this one go, buddy. 201 00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:28,494 Let's try this again. She's completely overreacting, right? 202 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:31,737 OLDER TED: Of course, they were right. I had to let it go. 203 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:34,035 But as your Uncle Barney was about to find out, 204 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,667 it's not so easy to let things go. 205 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,540 (VOICES WHISPERING) 206 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,654 MALE VOICE: Suit up. 207 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:54,425 OLDER TED: Now, none of us had ever seen Barney go this long without suiting up, 208 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:56,724 and, kids, it wasn't pretty. 209 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,497 So sorry I'm late. I got stuck at work. 210 00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:01,693 Yeah, today I had that presentation 211 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,633 on offshore dividend tax implications. 212 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,934 Sure, I was totally paying attention when you talked about that. 213 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,531 Right, so I fire up the PowerPoint... 214 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,647 Um, Barney? 215 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:20,777 - Barney. - Huh. 216 00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,188 (PANTING) 217 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,697 MALE VOICE: Suit up. 218 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:55,512 Hey, Barney, we're going to order some food. 219 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,488 - BARNEY: Okay, be out in a sec. - Okay. 220 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,686 Okay. 221 00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:03,520 (CLOTH RIPPING) 222 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,156 No. 223 00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:09,668 Out of the way! Stay with me. It's not your time. 224 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,602 OLDER TED: If anyone could fix something like this, 225 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,766 it was Barney's personal tailor, TV's Tim Gunn. 226 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,702 I'm sorry, Barney. I couldn't make it work. 227 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,980 (WHIMPERING) 228 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,377 So young. 229 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,343 (WHIMPERING) There's nothing else you could do? 230 00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:31,213 No. But there is another suit that can use the buttons from your suit. 231 00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:34,259 That can... Like an organ donor? 232 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,857 Your suit's death could mean another suit's life. 233 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,957 Oh, my God. 234 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,730 Do it. 235 00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,237 You're doing the right thing. 236 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:47,568 (CRYING) 237 00:11:50,076 --> 00:11:51,907 Please don't cry on this. 238 00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:53,775 - It's silk. - (CRYING) I'm sorry. 239 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,771 I know. I know. 240 00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:56,837 (CRYING) 241 00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:02,420 We cremated the remains. 242 00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,023 His buttons saved the life 243 00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:07,389 of a sick little jacket on the Upper East Side. 244 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,822 Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest 245 00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,593 for the so-called hot bartender. 246 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,031 No. 247 00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:18,901 My suit gave its life for this cause, 248 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,601 and I will not rest until those... 249 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:26,873 I mean, that... I mean, she is mine. 250 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,950 He's absolutely right. 251 00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:36,750 Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes? That guy? 252 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:38,882 What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry, 253 00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:39,982 and I'm just giving up? 254 00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:43,324 So long, elegant yet welcoming home in Westchester 255 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:46,422 with a sensible mortgage I can handle without dipping into my savings. 256 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:49,491 Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern yet loving hand, 257 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,231 finding the perfect balance between father and friend. 258 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:55,274 Adiós, triplet schnauzers, Frank, Lloyd, and Wright. 259 00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:56,535 - Ted! - Ted! 260 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,544 The point is, I'm not giving up, either! 261 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,512 I don't know why I just did that. 262 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,549 Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend. 263 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,220 - Tell me about him. - Huh. 264 00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,091 He was Italian. 265 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,320 Classy, elegant. 266 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:20,028 And boy, did he have a way with the ladies. 267 00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:22,033 They just couldn't say no. 268 00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,568 - How old was he? - Seven. 269 00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:26,896 (CRYING) I miss him so much! 270 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,442 You shouldn't be alone tonight. 271 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,740 I'm gonna end my shift early. 272 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,080 Thank you, old friend. 273 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:38,610 You're going out with a bang. 274 00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:43,683 Come on, Marshall. Just admit that she's hotter than me. 275 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,350 - I won't be hurt. - Can't do it. 276 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:48,951 - You're hotter. - She's a goddess! 277 00:13:49,028 --> 00:13:52,429 Her skin glows. Her legs go for miles. 278 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,899 And that ass? I would wear that thing for a hat. 279 00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,071 Last night in bed, I'll admit it, 280 00:13:59,138 --> 00:14:00,799 she popped into my head a couple of times. 281 00:14:00,873 --> 00:14:02,898 Whoa. What are you trip... 282 00:14:03,609 --> 00:14:05,474 Like, you think she's hotter than me? 283 00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:08,308 I never said that. 284 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,881 Oh, my God! You do. 285 00:14:09,949 --> 00:14:13,476 Well, it's apples and oranges. She's younger than you. 286 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:18,217 Well, I'm just saying, like, me in my prime versus her in her prime. 287 00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:19,689 - Well... - Oh, my God! 288 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:22,853 You guys, her hotness isn't even real! 289 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,997 It's circumstantial hotness. 290 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,561 Watch. 291 00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:33,500 (MAN SINGING) She's my cherry pie 292 00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:36,703 Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise 293 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:37,765 Tastes so good 294 00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:40,005 Make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie 295 00:14:40,079 --> 00:14:42,809 I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too. 296 00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,119 - What the hell are you doing? - What? 297 00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:53,818 - You're not allowed back here. - Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look. 298 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,589 (STUTTERING) No. I don't want to go back. 299 00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:59,096 Please, please, just don't make me go back. 300 00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:00,223 - You got to go. - Don't. I... 301 00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:01,732 - You got to go. - I just... No, Carl. I was... 302 00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,393 I was somebody back there! 303 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,066 Everybody loved me. 304 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,335 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 305 00:15:16,482 --> 00:15:17,642 - Hey. - Hi. 306 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,809 Can we talk? 307 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,477 My roommate's just about to get out of the shower. 308 00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:22,418 - Let's talk in my room. - Okay. 309 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:35,495 (SIGHS) Look, Cindy, I know the university rulebook says we can't date. 310 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:38,799 But it also says, "Don't teach drunk," and I do that all the time. 311 00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:41,774 The point is, I like you. 312 00:15:42,208 --> 00:15:44,369 I do. You're sweet, you're funny. 313 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,337 You're writing a dissertation entitled "Foreign Direct Investment 314 00:15:47,413 --> 00:15:49,779 "and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior." 315 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,316 I mean, that is hot. 316 00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,683 I know this sounds crazy, 317 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,747 but I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow. 318 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:02,056 And I don't want to miss out on knowing you. 319 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:05,420 I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either. 320 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:09,299 Look, I got to tell you, 321 00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,858 I mean, just from looking around your room, 322 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:13,132 I can tell we have a ton in common. 323 00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,767 - Really? - The Unicorns? 324 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:18,106 Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? 325 00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:20,645 I have never met anyone else who has this album. 326 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,174 That's my roommate's. I borrowed it. 327 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:24,508 Oh. 328 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:28,480 Well, well, what about this? World's End by T.C. Boyle? 329 00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:30,852 That was a birthday gift from my roommate. 330 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,220 Haven't checked it out yet. 331 00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,383 Oh. 332 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,358 Oh, you should. It's a good read. 333 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,596 What about this? This is ridiculous. 334 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,629 You play bass? Seriously, ask my friends. 335 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,931 I always say, " My ideal woman 336 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,635 "does not play bass," because this is clearly your roommate's. 337 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,532 - She's in a band. - Damn, that's cool. 338 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,173 This is unbelievable. 339 00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:57,876 You just picked out the only three things in here that are my roommate's. 340 00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,649 So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or... 341 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,017 Get out. 342 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:08,156 OLDER TED: Kids, as you probably guessed, that wasn't the night I met your mother. 343 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:14,294 Although I think I glimpsed her foot. 344 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:18,497 But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams. 345 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:22,029 And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back. 346 00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:26,244 He was just so special, you know? 347 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,243 I feel like we should give him a moment of silence. 348 00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:32,580 Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting. 349 00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:38,051 I'm gonna make you feel all better. 350 00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:39,281 Hmm. 351 00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:41,053 - Let me just go freshen up. - All right. 352 00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:43,694 Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom! 353 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,094 That... 354 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:46,959 Are these yours? 355 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,228 I'm suit-sitting for someone. 356 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,666 Barney, you lied to me. 357 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,069 (SIGHS) 358 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,236 You have to choose right now. 359 00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,210 Me or the suits. 360 00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:06,410 (SINGING) I know what you're thinking What's Barney been drinking? 361 00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:08,715 That girl was smoking hot 362 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,619 Yes, I could've nailed her But no, it's not a failure 363 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,453 'Cause there's one thing she is not 364 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:17,724 To score a ten would be just fine But I'd rather be dressed to the nines 365 00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,197 It's a truth you can't refute 366 00:18:24,136 --> 00:18:26,468 Nothing suits me like a suit! 367 00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:29,669 Picture a world Where all the boys and girls 368 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,767 Are impeccably well-dressed 369 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:34,074 That delivery guy in a jacket and tie 370 00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:35,875 That puppy in a double-breast 371 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:40,885 That '80s dude with muttonchops That baby with a lollipop 372 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,649 That lady cop who's kind of cute 373 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,154 Nothing suits them like a suit 374 00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,196 - Suits - A wingman I can wear 375 00:18:51,263 --> 00:18:53,254 - Suits - They're oh, so debonair 376 00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:55,300 - Suits - The perfect way to snare 377 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,529 A girl with daddy issues 378 00:18:57,603 --> 00:19:00,003 - Suits - In navy blue or black 379 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,699 Check out this perfect rack 380 00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:04,709 I want to give them a squeeze 381 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,142 Oh, really? 382 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:13,010 Then answer these questions if you please 383 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:21,350 What would you do if you had to choose Between your suits and a pot of gold? 384 00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:22,451 Suits 385 00:19:22,528 --> 00:19:23,893 What would you say if you gave your suits away 386 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,396 And in return you'd never grow old? 387 00:19:25,464 --> 00:19:26,488 Suits 388 00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:27,793 What would you pick? One million chicks 389 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,266 Or a single three-piece suit? 390 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,393 It's moot 391 00:19:30,469 --> 00:19:31,936 What if world peace Were within your reach? 392 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,562 (STUTTERING) I'm gonna stop you right there. 393 00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,301 It's suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass. 394 00:19:36,375 --> 00:19:38,536 Two, three, four 395 00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:46,341 Girls will go and girls will come But there's only one absolute 396 00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:51,322 Every bro on the go needs to know That there's no accepted substitute 397 00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:57,488 I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends My Sunday best are my best friends 398 00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:03,900 Send casual Friday down the laundry chute 399 00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:12,367 'Cause nothing suits the undisputed 400 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:17,508 Oft-saluted suitor of repute 401 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,519 Like 402 00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:23,513 A 403 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,458 Wait for it. 404 00:20:30,129 --> 00:20:34,259 Suit 405 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,127 Nothing suits him 406 00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:41,503 Like a suit 407 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,439 Suit Up! Suit Up! 408 00:20:43,509 --> 00:20:45,841 Suit Up! Suit Up! 409 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,183 Then again, she is pretty hot. 410 00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:54,346 I choose you, baby. 411 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,945 First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of these suits. 412 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,986 - Really? - Yeah. 413 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,121 BARNEY: Mmm. 414 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:07,095 (WHISPERING) You guys are fine. 415 00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:35,484 ENGLISH - US - SDH