1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:05,067 OLDER TED: Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves. 2 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:08,172 It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson. 3 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:11,541 OLDER TED: Some people chew their nails. Some people tap their feet. 4 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:15,343 And some people imagine they're being interviewed by renowned sportscaster, 5 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:16,474 Jim Nantz. 6 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:21,010 Hello, friends. Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. 7 00:00:21,088 --> 00:00:23,522 Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, 8 00:00:23,590 --> 00:00:26,559 and the sport of sleeping with random hotties 9 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:29,027 has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. 10 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,696 - Barney, welcome. - Thanks, Jim. 11 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,823 - Great to be back on the show. - Good to have you with us. 12 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,630 And, you know, the stats, they really speak for themselves. 13 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:42,108 Over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, 14 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,401 and not a single fatty. It's impressive. 15 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,910 And with all these accomplishments though, 16 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,540 there's one laurel that's always eluded you, 17 00:00:49,616 --> 00:00:52,346 which brings us to last week. What was the story there? 18 00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:55,515 Buckle up, Jimbo. This one's a doozy. 19 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:59,156 BARNEY: It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge. 20 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:02,753 - Oh, my God. - Whoa! He's calling his shot. 21 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:06,857 Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, that's who I'm going home with tonight. 22 00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,094 And, 23 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,871 play ball! 24 00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,103 - Hey. - Hey. 25 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,609 Hey. How'd the date with Dale go? 26 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,579 You know, sometimes that guy, with the horn-rimmed glasses 27 00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:22,774 and a Smurfs T-shirt, is just being ironic. 28 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:26,147 Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye 29 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:28,654 and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel. 30 00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:32,681 Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date, 31 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,694 doesn't mean he's not husband material. 32 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,730 Sasquatch isn't fictional. 33 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,522 TED: That was quick. 34 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,336 So, night one was pretty routine. 35 00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:47,670 Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down. 36 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,908 Respect. Take us to night two. 37 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,638 See that hotty over there nursing a Black Russian? 38 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,850 She's about to chase that with a white American. Up top! 39 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:02,255 You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me. 40 00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,156 Hey, guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date? 41 00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:08,524 How do you know he's gonna call? 42 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:09,892 (ROBIN LAUGHING) 43 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,090 You're cute, Marshall, 44 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:16,330 but I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show. 45 00:02:16,403 --> 00:02:19,338 I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me. 46 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,741 Well, let him down easy. People are fragile. 47 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:24,801 Sometimes without even meaning to, 48 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:28,712 you might rip someone's beating heart out and stomp on it 49 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:32,240 in a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant. 50 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:36,016 - How did school go today, Ted? - Something bad happened. 51 00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,282 It was the first class of the new semester. 52 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,351 Jamie Adamic? Hi. 53 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:45,628 Brian Glowatz, Glowatz? Hi. 54 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:52,333 Well done. Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet. 55 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:54,840 That's real original, guys. 56 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:59,140 You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature 57 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,010 and, frankly, more creative. 58 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:05,142 I mean, seriously, what kind of a fake name is Cook Pu? 59 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:06,243 Here. 60 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:10,587 Come on, guys. It's gotta at least sound real. Cook Pu? 61 00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:12,485 Here. 62 00:03:12,559 --> 00:03:16,256 Whatever happened to classics, right. You know, Seymour Butts? 63 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:19,766 Hugh Gerection? Those were fake names. But Cook Pu? 64 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,891 - (CRYING) Here. - Cook Pu! 65 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,035 She's back here, bro. 66 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:32,273 All right, come on. Let me have it. Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes. 67 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,871 Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted. 68 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,280 That girl must be really down in the dumps. 69 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,183 You really smeared the Pu name. 70 00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:42,614 You guys finished? 71 00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:45,089 Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system? 72 00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:50,786 Wow, back-to-back nights. Barney is on fire. 73 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:54,891 (SIGHING) That girl's lucky. Barney was the best sex I ever had. 74 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,833 And he's the best friend I've ever had. 75 00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,340 - He's everything I want Marshall to be. - He's everything I wish I could be. 76 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,171 I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around. 77 00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,100 I buy it. You're awesome. 78 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:08,376 Now, night three. Paint us a word picture. 79 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:13,215 Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, so I decided to mix things up a little bit. 80 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:18,919 - I think I'm gonna go small boobs tonight. - You're disgusting. 81 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,187 Lily, they're people, too. 82 00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:24,656 - Here's your burgers. - Thank you. 83 00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:25,959 - Thanks. - You're welcome. 84 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,297 What, you're not sharing? You two always share a burger. 85 00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:29,426 No, we don't. 86 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,266 We're not, like, weirdoes who share everything. 87 00:04:31,338 --> 00:04:32,930 - Yeah, you are. - That's exactly what you are. 88 00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,997 We're perfectly normal! 89 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,736 Guys, what's going on? 90 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:39,278 You know how Lily and I have been looking for new couple friends 91 00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:42,907 ever since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella, 92 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,417 and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria? 93 00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,214 Geez, Ted, when are you gonna get your life together? 94 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,818 How'd we end up here? 95 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:52,156 We went on a great double date last night. 96 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:55,251 We were cool. We were casual. We didn't spaz out. 97 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:58,093 And then one tiny little detail came out 98 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,860 - and the whole night was ruined. - Ruined! 99 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,398 And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink, 100 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,836 hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet. 101 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,272 Come on. That's crazy. 102 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:10,810 Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush. 103 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,310 "Our" toothbrush? 104 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:15,313 "Our" toothbrush? 105 00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:17,111 "Our" toothbrush? 106 00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:20,275 - Yeah. - Like, one toothbrush? 107 00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,754 That you both use? 108 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,484 Every day? 109 00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,150 Is that weird? 110 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,285 ALL: Super weird. 111 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:32,060 Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths. 112 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:33,190 (ROBIN SHUDDERS IN DISGUST) 113 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,635 Hey, check it out. Barney's leaving with another girl. 114 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:41,003 Wow, three girls in three nights? That's gross even for Barney. 115 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,538 Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a Perfect... 116 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:47,239 Oh! (MUTTERING) Don't say it! You'll jinx it. 117 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:48,542 Jinx what? 118 00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,549 I was on my way toward 119 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:52,842 a Perfect Week! 120 00:05:52,866 --> 00:05:58,866 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 121 00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:12,328 The Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections. 122 00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:16,103 Incredible. I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent 123 00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:18,371 of baseball's perfect game. But even rarer. 124 00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:22,245 Yeah. The only player in history to have ever achieved both 125 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:25,307 was Mustache Pete Drexel, back in 1896. 126 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,181 Now this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a Perfect Week. 127 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:36,724 You learn the hard way, though. One mistake, and it's all over. 128 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:40,858 NANTZ: Sometimes, a teammate makes an error. 129 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,133 Sometimes, one wild pitch... 130 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:47,731 You, me, the canned-food aisle in the bodega next door. 131 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,435 ...leads to a walk. 132 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:56,508 And sometimes, you just lose focus, and it almost always leads to a hit. 133 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:57,874 (EX CLAIMING) 134 00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:02,388 But this week, you were three-for-three, with no sign of slowing down. 135 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,390 I could do no wrong. 136 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,052 Wish I could say the same for my friends. 137 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,328 Cook didn't show up for class today. 138 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:13,025 I'm sorry, Cook? 139 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,467 Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook. 140 00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:17,969 Yeah. 141 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:20,964 Cook Pu. 142 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,333 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 143 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:26,379 Uh-oh. Here we go. The dreaded Dale call. 144 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,142 Oh! It's my mom. 145 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,743 She's going through some pretty major league health stuff. 146 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,844 God, why won't that guy call? 147 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:39,290 - Wait a minute, you want him to call? - No. Shut up. 148 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,760 Don't you guys have, like, a toothbrush to share, or something? 149 00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,229 Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway? 150 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,165 Like, years ago. You should know. We lived with you. 151 00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:50,533 Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. 152 00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,629 Also weird, by the way. 153 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,469 No, we kept it in the bathroom. 154 00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:58,671 No. There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine. 155 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:06,445 Wait. Are you saying that for eight years, 156 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,887 all three of you shared one toothbrush? 157 00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:10,980 - Oh, my God. - TED: Kill me! 158 00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:13,321 - I love this so much! - Kill me! 159 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:21,499 So, you're through four nights. You're over the hump. 160 00:08:21,568 --> 00:08:25,163 - Nice, Jim. - Hey, I try. I'm no you. 161 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:29,542 But then came night five, and with it, trouble. 162 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:32,870 Beer here! 163 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:38,478 Thanks. 164 00:08:39,085 --> 00:08:41,576 Hey, how's Barney doing tonight? 165 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,816 Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week. 166 00:08:43,890 --> 00:08:46,518 - Yeah? That's hard to believe. - Why? 167 00:08:46,593 --> 00:08:49,027 Apparently, this big merger fell through last week, 168 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,790 and Barney's being blamed for it. 169 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,991 That's weird. He hasn't said anything. 170 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,660 Look, I work with the guy. I didn't find out until this afternoon, 171 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:57,362 when I walked by his boss's office. 172 00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:59,572 You cost this company, Stinson! 173 00:08:59,639 --> 00:09:01,573 MARSHALL: I've never seen Barney look that scared. 174 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,637 I think he's gonna get fired. 175 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,917 I can't believe Barney might get fired. 176 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,682 Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday 177 00:09:15,755 --> 00:09:17,814 to determine whether or not he keeps his job. 178 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,052 Poor guy. He must be freaking out. 179 00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:21,787 - I'm gonna go talk to him. - Wait, no! 180 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:25,423 You can't distract the man in the middle of you know what! 181 00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,557 Oh, come on! This is his career! 182 00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,898 This is much more important than some stupid Perfect... 183 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,198 (EX CLAIMING) 184 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,397 Okay. 185 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,935 You can lick my hand as long as you want. 186 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,442 I'm not gonna let you ruin his... (EX CLAIMING) 187 00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:42,645 - Guys, we need to talk to him. - I'll go. He needs a bro. 188 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,279 - Hey, buddy. - Hey. 189 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:50,255 - Everything all right? - Absolutely. Sure. Top of the world. 190 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:54,186 (SIGHING) Who am I kidding? I need your help. 191 00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,395 Anything, buddy. What is it? 192 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,619 (SIGHING) 193 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,430 Which one of these girls looks the dumbest? 194 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:06,730 All right, kid. Let's check the scouting report. 195 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,138 What about the heater? 196 00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,808 High and outside? 197 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:25,586 All right. I'd go with the slider. 198 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,792 - Thanks, Skip. - Yo. 199 00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,197 So, what'd he say? 200 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,735 Hmm? Oh! 201 00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,067 Yeah, he's gonna take a swat at that hamburglar over there. 202 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,938 You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job. 203 00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,443 Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about 204 00:10:45,512 --> 00:10:48,572 - gonna help him? - How is ignoring it gonna solve anything? 205 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,481 Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade 206 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:52,882 - and you seem... - Cook Pu! 207 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,148 - Cook Pu. - Dale call yet? 208 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:57,587 - No. Why are you... - Guys, guys, guys, look! 209 00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:03,658 Barney, we gotta stop you for a second. There's something I have to ask. 210 00:11:04,764 --> 00:11:07,392 Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs? 211 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:11,198 No, sir. I respect the game too much. 212 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,805 Although, I can't say I haven't been offered. 213 00:11:14,874 --> 00:11:16,205 (LILY HUMMING) 214 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,109 Dude, it was pretty awesome. 215 00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,546 You should try it. I have some more. 216 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,813 - No, thanks. - You sure? 217 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:28,777 All right. Suit yourself. 218 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,852 What time is it? 219 00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,018 - It's 8:00. - 8:00? 220 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,267 I need to go to the hospital. 221 00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,539 I've never touched the stuff. You can test me if you want to, Nantz. 222 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:53,375 Barney, I trust you. I regret I even asked you the question, okay. 223 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:57,405 Let's go to night six. Two girls away from perfection. 224 00:11:57,851 --> 00:12:00,149 - Honest to God. - Hey. Hey. 225 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,381 Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar. 226 00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,522 Ted, relax. I'm already six-for-six. 227 00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,150 - Really? - Yeah. 228 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,218 I was lunching at Tavern on the Green. 229 00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:11,559 I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel. 230 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,394 Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game 231 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,832 in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. 232 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,234 Giddy-what-up. 233 00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:19,896 (MIMICS HORSE WHINNYING) 234 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:21,133 (SNORTING) 235 00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:24,208 Awesome. What really happened? 236 00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:27,306 I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser. 237 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,575 Are you happy, Truthy McGee? 238 00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:39,452 Barney, we know you might get fired. Wait. You have to talk about this. 239 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:42,893 You are just using meaningless sex to distract yourself 240 00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:46,557 - from a really serious issue. - It is not meaningless, okay? 241 00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,158 Number five and I really connected. 242 00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:53,171 She's going back to school, or has a kid in school, 243 00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:55,207 something about school! 244 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:59,876 So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class. 245 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:02,779 Oh, my God. Pu dropped out? 246 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,512 She is flushing her education down the toilet. 247 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:07,848 Any word from Dale? 248 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:10,122 It's only been five days. He's gonna call. 249 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,556 Why do you care anyway? You said he was a total dork. 250 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:17,494 Do not talk about Dale that way, okay! He is twice the man you will ever be! 251 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:21,330 And God forbid, if you can't find another job, sell your place. 252 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,666 Marshall and I have an extra room. You can stay there as long as you need. 253 00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:26,671 Make sure you bring your own toothbrush. 254 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:28,331 Lily, what are you doing? 255 00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,206 Talking to my friend who's going through a really tough time. 256 00:13:31,277 --> 00:13:33,006 He's doing fine. 257 00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:37,345 Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights is not doing fine. 258 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,044 It's a cry for help. 259 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:40,916 Barney's whole life is a cry for help. 260 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:44,150 But you don't mess with a man when he's in the middle of a... 261 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,691 What? Perfect Week? 262 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:46,782 (ALL GASPING) 263 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:50,296 Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Grow up! 264 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,159 (BARNEY HISSING) 265 00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:56,959 Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do. 266 00:13:57,036 --> 00:14:00,301 One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids. 267 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,770 And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week. 268 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,277 I don't know what to tell you. Lily's always messing with me. 269 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,610 I think she has a thing for the Barnacle. 270 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,841 You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz. 271 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,417 - I can't believe you jinxed him. - He doesn't stand a chance out there. 272 00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:20,015 Okay, question. If I ruined everything, 273 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:24,223 why is Barney totally hitting it off with third-martini-girl over there? 274 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,624 - Oh, my God! - He's gonna do it. 275 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,692 Yeah. See, there is no such thing as a jinx. 276 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:31,794 (ALL EX CLAIMING) 277 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,806 Tell me she didn't say, "There's no such thing as a jinx." 278 00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:35,932 Wish I could. 279 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,705 You were about to achieve something so beautiful. 280 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:43,511 Well, thanks to her, the only thing that could ruin a surefire hook-up 281 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,050 was about to walk through that door. 282 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:54,885 BARNEY: A member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees. 283 00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,327 Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush. 284 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:14,411 Well, I guess that's it. Barney's streak ends at six. 285 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,847 What? Why? Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in? 286 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:21,683 That's Nick Swisher. He's a New York Yankee. 287 00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:25,753 No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee. 288 00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,316 And it doesn't even have to be a current Yankee. When I first moved here, 289 00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:30,225 I was on a fourth date with a girl I really liked, 290 00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:32,560 until I got rack-jacked by Phil Rizzuto. 291 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,499 - I was there. Holy cow, that guy had game. - TED: Mmm-hmm. 292 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,035 No, I'm not seeing it. 293 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:40,095 Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh? 294 00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:43,203 How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys 295 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:46,211 with the skates and the sticks walked in here? 296 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:50,549 Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, 297 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,142 my panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor 298 00:15:53,219 --> 00:15:54,413 halfway to China. 299 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,285 - That's what it's like with the Yankees. - Barney's screwed. 300 00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,915 It's happening. Look. 301 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:03,086 Hey, wanna come over and look at my snow globe collection? 302 00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:06,097 - Snow globe collection? - He's throwing junk out there! 303 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,333 That is Nick Swisher. 304 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:11,594 (ALL GROANING) 305 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,298 - Good effort. - Good game. Good game. 306 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:16,501 - Good game. Good game. - Not good enough. 307 00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,044 This whole week was a waste. 308 00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:23,381 And tomorrow, I'm gonna get fired. 309 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,150 I'm really sorry, dude. 310 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:31,349 But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste. 311 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:35,827 We were all having a really horrible week and you took our minds off it. 312 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:38,796 Yeah. I had my first student drop my class. It sucked. 313 00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,231 I met my soul mate and he never called me back. 314 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:44,429 I mean, yet. He will. He will. 315 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:49,397 We scared off a really great couple just because we share a toothbrush. 316 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,602 You share a toothbrush! 317 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:54,112 - Well, them and Ted. - What? 318 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:59,015 Wait a second. When we were dating you borrowed that toothbrush all the time. 319 00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:00,484 Oh, my God. 320 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:04,080 OLDER TED: And that's when Aunt Lily realized what's great about sports. 321 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:07,125 They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment. 322 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,424 And deep down, we all needed that Perfect Week. 323 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:15,427 TED: The second she sits down next to Swisher it's all over. 324 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:21,868 Wait a minute! Aldrin's got a bead on her! 325 00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:30,715 She's running out of room. She dives, and... 326 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,980 And I have no idea where she's going with this. 327 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:37,148 - Oh, my God! Are you okay? - Yeah. Sorry, I'm such a klutz. 328 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:41,091 Oh! Thanks. (GROANING) I think I twisted my ankle. 329 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,492 - Can you get me some ice? - Of course. 330 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:48,125 Oh, my God. She did it! I guess there is no such thing as a jinx! 331 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,700 Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily. 332 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,434 Damn it! Swisher's back in play. 333 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,804 - Swisher's back in play! - Follow me. 334 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:04,446 Hey, Nick Swisher, this guy and his wife share a toothbrush! 335 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:08,986 - So? - So, that's weird, right? 336 00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,814 Actually, I think it's kind of sweet. 337 00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:15,349 In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone 338 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,918 to share a toothbrush with? 339 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,524 Excuse me. Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet. 340 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,062 Martini? 341 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:28,003 We're having a beer with a New York Yankee. How cool is that! 342 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:30,907 Oh! It's amazing. I totally follow baseball. 343 00:18:30,977 --> 00:18:33,343 Mookie Wilson, is that a thing? 344 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:37,747 Yeah, baseball, it's amazing. But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey. 345 00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:41,553 I live right upstairs. 346 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,584 What do you say we go back to my place? 347 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:49,655 (CHUCKLES) Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, 348 00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:54,428 but I feel a real connection here, Seven. Christy. 349 00:18:58,304 --> 00:18:59,498 Please. 350 00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:04,440 I did it! 351 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:05,670 (ALL CHEERING) 352 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,739 I did it! 353 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:15,650 Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week. 354 00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:18,246 Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it without my teammates. 355 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,053 Hey, on to a new topic. 356 00:19:20,126 --> 00:19:22,651 Do you really think you might get fired today? 357 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:24,956 (STAMMERING) 358 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,125 Jim, I... I told you I don't want to talk about that. 359 00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:34,106 Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so, apparently, you do. Think about that. 360 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:38,340 - What a jerk! - You're a jerk. 361 00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,305 Mr. Donovan will see you now. 362 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:47,719 Stinson, we've reached a decision. 363 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,012 We're keeping you on. 364 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,217 (SIGHING) 365 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,492 I know this past week must've been tough on you. 366 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:59,591 (CHUCKLES) I barely slept. 367 00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:05,033 Here you go, guys, the official hat of Barney's Perfect Week. 368 00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,438 I was gonna do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes, 369 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:10,601 and feelings get hurt. It's a mess. 370 00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:14,669 In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game, 371 00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:20,378 this tie worn on the seventh night of his Perfect Week is hereby retired. 372 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:24,048 May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of 373 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,250 for generations to come. 374 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:29,491 I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day, 375 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:32,793 and tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row. 376 00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:33,854 (ALL LAUGHING) 377 00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:37,069 OLDER TED: Am I a bad dad? 378 00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,472 Take-out order for Cook Pu. 379 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,011 We have a number two over here for Cook Pu. 380 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,574 You guys got Wendy saying it now? 381 00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:52,311 Come on, okay, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name, 382 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,751 and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. 383 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:56,879 Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. 384 00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:58,615 Here. 385 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,282 ENGLISH - US - SDH