1
00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:03,959
OLDER TED: <i>Kids, I remember one time</i>
<i>we all gathered at my apartment</i>

2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,869
<i>to watch the Super Bowl.</i>

3
00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,531
<i>Well, not all of us.</i>

4
00:00:07,608 --> 00:00:10,736
TV ANNOUNCER: <i>Welcome back</i>
<i>to Super Bowl XLIVin Miami.</i>

5
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,745
<i>Get a load of that guy.</i>

6
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,072
<i>You think that's his real number?</i>

7
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,844
- Well, that explains where Barney is.
- Dibs on his wings.

8
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,193
- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

9
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,429
Does anyone know
who won the Super Bowl?

10
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:37,629
You were there. It was the...

11
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:38,694
- I won.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

12
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:43,903
Because I am now in possession
of a magic phone that always rings.

13
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:47,435
And do you know who's always, usually,
on the other end? A chick.

14
00:00:47,514 --> 00:00:49,846
So how many chicks
do I have calling me now?

15
00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,179
Infinity!

16
00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:53,880
You guys remember Ranjit.

17
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,047
- Hello.
- Hey, Ranjit. Good to see you.

18
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:58,148
I've enlisted Ranjit's services
as my personal driver

19
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,989
because for the next week,
I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women,

20
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:04,326
and I don't wanna take the subway,
'cause, you know, germs.

21
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,060
What, you're actually gonna
hook up with these girls that call you?

22
00:01:07,134 --> 00:01:08,601
Oh, indubitably.

23
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,763
I'm meeting the first one here any minute.
Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater.

24
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:16,367
Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic,
and wants to 96 me.

25
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:19,071
Semi-colon, end parentheses.

26
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,840
This ought to be good.
I can only imagine the quality of girl that...

27
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,713
Oh, my God, you are the guy
from the Super Bowl!

28
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,951
Magic phone, guys. Magic phone.

29
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,019
ROBIN: Hey, guys. Hey, Ranjit.

30
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,080
- Hello.
- Hey.

31
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,524
- How's it goin'?
- Hey.

32
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,858
- That beer looks a little flat.
- It's scotch.

33
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,727
Whoa! Something troubling you, kiddo?

34
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,357
(SIGHS) Don.

35
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,562
OLDER TED: <i>Don was Aunt Robin's co-host</i>
<i>on her morning show.</i>

36
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,264
<i>Now, even though</i>
<i>her show was on so early</i>

37
00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:48,968
<i>that no one watched, Aunt Robin</i>
<i>was a consummate professional.</i>

38
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,134
<i>But Don was not.</i>

39
00:01:50,210 --> 00:01:51,234
Oh, yeah.

40
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,472
<i>But that morning, Don had gone too far.</i>

41
00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:57,347
Now that's what I call having
a"woof" over your head.

42
00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,109
Don?

43
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,276
Don?

44
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,222
Why is <i>Ulee's Gold</i> in every crossword?

45
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,323
Oh, it's me? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

46
00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,862
Next Sunday is Valentine's Day.

47
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:14,226
And one lucky patient will be receiving
a very special chocolate heart,

48
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,825
a human heart.

49
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:17,928
Hey, that reminds me,
I have been meaning to ask you.

50
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:20,940
Robin, do you have
any Valentine's Day plans?

51
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,437
- He asked you out?
- He asked me out.

52
00:02:24,511 --> 00:02:25,944
That's crazy.

53
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,742
And they use "Ulee"
because of the vowels.

54
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,476
Ah. What did you say?

55
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:33,179
Well, we were on the air.
I was on the spot, so I said okay.

56
00:02:33,253 --> 00:02:34,277
(BOTH LAUGHING)

57
00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:39,724
Robin, you are gonna marry this guy
so freaking hard, right in the butt.

58
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,921
What? No! I hate Don!

59
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,159
And now I can't cancel because I said
I would go out with him on the air.

60
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,791
What would your viewer think?

61
00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:48,892
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

62
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,802
You said you'd go out with him
on Valentine's? I thought we had plans.

63
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:55,467
What? Getting drunk
and cleaning the apartment was a plan?

64
00:02:55,542 --> 00:02:59,638
I did not say it was a good plan.

65
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,909
Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now.

66
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,974
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- And it is getting interesting.

67
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,020
Look at these texts. Read this one.

68
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:09,351
Yowza! Now look at this one.

69
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,857
Does she text her mother
with those fingers?

70
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,051
Now look at this one.

71
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,959
Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

72
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,223
Okay, okay, okay, buddy.

73
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:21,495
How about you do this?
Go nail that girl, then read your texts.

74
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:25,129
I can't do that, Ted.
I just can't hook up with a girl

75
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:29,141
if there is a hotter girl out there
with whom up can be hooked.

76
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:32,041
Isn't there always a hotter girl?

77
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,410
I know. Isn't it wonderful?

78
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:38,574
Go for Barney.
Cut to the chase, what's your cup size?

79
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,085
Oh, hi, Mom.

80
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,491
There's always a hotter girl.
Isn't that the problem, in a nutshell?

81
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,756
There's too many options.
You got Internet dating. You got bars.

82
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,798
Holding up your phone number
on national TV.

83
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:54,732
I never had that problem.

84
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:58,626
When I was 18,
I had an arranged marriage.

85
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:02,903
And I love my wife more and more
every day.

86
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:03,999
It is true.

87
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,877
It is very rare that two people
just meet and fall madly in love.

88
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,381
Like Robin and Don.

89
00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:11,508
But we're not even, like,
going out for dinner.

90
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,143
We're just hanging out at his place.

91
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,209
LILY AND TED: Ooh!

92
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,849
No, it's not like that!
It's just us and a bunch of other people.

93
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:23,322
Wait. Robin, what exactly did Don say
when he asked you out?

94
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,892
I'm having some friends over
to my place for a little party.

95
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,627
You should come by if you want.

96
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:31,660
I... Okay.

97
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:36,271
Robin, Don didn't ask you out.

98
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,374
Of course he asked me out.

99
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,572
- No, he didn't.
- Yes, he did.

100
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:45,274
- He did. He did! He did!
- Okay.

101
00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:48,746
Well, dog my cats.
I think I know what's going on here.

102
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:52,121
Robin, did you want Don to ask you out?

103
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:55,958
What? No! I hate Don!

104
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:58,361
I can't stop thinking about
how much I hate him!

105
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,333
It's like... It's like, all the time.
I just wanna attack him,

106
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:02,891
and rip his stupid clothes off,

107
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:07,100
and just spank him with his little paddle
until his bum's all red.

108
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,402
Shut up!

109
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:14,447
See? That right there
is what free will gets you.

110
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:17,347
Constant, ego-shattering uncertainty.

111
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,214
I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has.

112
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:23,415
I've spent my entire adult life
looking for the perfect woman,

113
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,186
and I'm spending Valentine's Day
scrubbing the toilet.

114
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:29,092
I need someone else
to find me that woman.

115
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:34,527
Marshall, Lily, "arranged marriage" me.

116
00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:38,993
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

117
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,573
- You want us to arrange your marriage?
- Absolutely.

118
00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:49,275
Look, there's two sides to dating, right?
Picking and getting picked.

119
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,910
Getting picked, I'm good at.
Ladies love Teddy West Side.

120
00:05:55,422 --> 00:05:59,381
You're waiting for me to comment
on your self-assigned nickname.

121
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,955
Well, here's my comment.

122
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,257
- I love it!
- Really?

123
00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:05,321
Teddy West Side, continue.

124
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:08,368
It's the picking I suck at.
I pick the wrong girls.

125
00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:10,369
But, you guys,
you're the best pickers I know.

126
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:11,529
You picked each other.

127
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:14,597
Well, with a slight assist from
the Wesleyan housing department.

128
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:17,303
And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.

129
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:21,410
Get out there. Find me a girl.
We'll double date on Valentine's Day.

130
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:24,939
If I like her, I will marry her.
If she's cool with it.

131
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,248
And she will be
'cause I'll wear my nice blazer.

132
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:33,122
I love that blazer
almost as much as Robin loves Don.

133
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:36,788
- I do not love Don.
- Robin, neurologically speaking,

134
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,127
the part of the human brain
that makes you hate people

135
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,360
is located right next
to the part of the brain

136
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,732
that makes you wanna
jump people's bones.

137
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,398
The two responses are so similar
it's hard to tell them apart.

138
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:47,565
You know what it's like?

139
00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:50,201
Wait, I have to get a book.
Give me 30 seconds.

140
00:06:50,944 --> 00:06:54,778
Okay, this is fun.
Look at this picture. It's a rabbit.

141
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:58,909
You can look at it for hours
and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit.

142
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,219
But then one day, you look at it,

143
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:04,883
and you realize,
"Wait a second, it's a duck."

144
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:09,223
It's a rabbit. It's a duck.
Rabbit. Duck. Rabbit. Duck.

145
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,354
Isn't this fun?

146
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,795
OLDER TED: <i>It sure was.</i>

147
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:13,656
Relationships are like that.

148
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,294
I mean, look, when you first met Don,
you hated him.

149
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,564
You thought, "This guy's a duck."

150
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:20,697
But one of these days,
you're gonna realize,

151
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,709
"This is actually something that I love.
He's a rabbit."

152
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,302
I think you got it backwards there, buddy.

153
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,870
The duck is the thing you love.

154
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:31,912
- The rabbit is the thing you hate.
- What?

155
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:34,385
Yeah, I gotta agree.
Ducks up, rabbits down.

156
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,251
Definitely, ducks are better than rabbits.

157
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:39,190
Are you guys... Ducks are... Ducks are...

158
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,659
Rabbits are adorable. Ducks are, well...

159
00:07:41,728 --> 00:07:45,391
Have you ever been in a fight with a duck?
I mean, ducks are jerks.

160
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:49,697
OLDER TED: <i>This led to one of the most</i>
<i>intense arguments our group has ever had.</i>

161
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,001
Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey!

162
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:56,406
- We're not talking about flavor, Ted!
- Flavor counts!

163
00:07:57,444 --> 00:08:00,242
Who carries around a duck's foot
for good luck?

164
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,541
Anyone?

165
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,514
You wrap yourself in a comforter
stuffed with rabbit hair.

166
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:08,543
I'll wrap myself in one
stuffed with duck feathers.

167
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,646
Who's cozier?

168
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,418
- Okay.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

169
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,152
But who's cozier?

170
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,619
Hold on! I have to get another book!

171
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,697
(SPEAKING PERSIAN)

172
00:08:24,871 --> 00:08:27,101
Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck,

173
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,608
stick 'em in a cardboard box,
and let them fight it out?

174
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:33,669
- Because it's illegal, Ted!
- Only if we bet on it, Marshall!

175
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,346
Fine!

176
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:40,211
I concede! You win.

177
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:42,215
Say it.

178
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:44,752
You have to say it.

179
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,684
Ducks are good.

180
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:52,756
Rabbits are bad.

181
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,898
- Yeah! So good!
- Yes!

182
00:08:55,569 --> 00:09:00,404
Thank you.
And Don is, and always will be, a rabbit.

183
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,464
I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin.

184
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:08,276
Think about it. Don, Donald, Donald Duck.

185
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,337
(MARSHALL GASPS)

186
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:14,283
And what, I wonder,
does Donald Duck never wear?

187
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,686
- Pants.
- Pants.

188
00:09:18,024 --> 00:09:20,515
Don's a duck.

189
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,085
(BOTH EXHALING)

190
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:23,720
- Permission to say "lawyered"?
- I'll allow it.

191
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,094
Lawyered.

192
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:29,660
OLDER TED: <i>Yes, kids. Sometimes</i>
<i>there's a fine line between love and hate.</i>

193
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,328
<i>Case in point...</i>

194
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:35,568
There is no place I would rather be,
and no one I'd rather be with.

195
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:37,471
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

196
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,308
I should get that.

197
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,583
Go for Barney.

198
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,714
Look, I'm sorta in the middle of someone,
something, right now, and...

199
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,020
You're a hot lady bullfighter?

200
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,327
You gotta go.

201
00:09:56,796 --> 00:09:59,629
- MacLaren's Pub.
- MacLaren's Pub.

202
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,295
Well, hello.

203
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:09,435
There's no place I would rather be,
and no one I would rather be...

204
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,771
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

205
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,780
Would you excuse me for one moment?

206
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,341
Go for Barney. Look, I...

207
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:21,577
You're a gold-medalist
Japanese figure skater?

208
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,849
(BIDDING FAREWELL IN SPANISH)

209
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,655
- MacLaren's Pub!
- MacLaren's Pub!

210
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:28,922
Well, hello.

211
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,753
No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather...

212
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:31,888
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

213
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,489
Oh! For Pete's sake!

214
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,429
You're a hot chick?

215
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:36,591
(BIDDING FAREWELL IN JAPANESE)

216
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,969
- MacLaren's Pub!
- MacLaren's Pub!

217
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,603
Well, hello.

218
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:46,839
I realize that you're very busy,
so I'll just get straight to the point.

219
00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:48,005
Okay.

220
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,443
(EX CLAIMING)

221
00:10:53,219 --> 00:10:54,379
(GASPING)

222
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,052
(EX CLAIMING)

223
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,625
And that's my bad leg.

224
00:11:02,862 --> 00:11:04,124
Very bad.

225
00:11:05,131 --> 00:11:06,530
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

226
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,162
(LAUGHING) Are you okay?

227
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,462
Yeah, of course. Why... Why wouldn't I be?

228
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,801
Go for Barney.

229
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:19,606
OLDER TED: <i>Barney had been sure</i>
<i>that phone was something he loved.</i>

230
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,011
<i>But now he realized it wasn't that at all.</i>

231
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,380
<i>It was something else entirely.</i>

232
00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:25,773
(SCREAMS)

233
00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,618
(GROANING)

234
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:36,525
I'm free!

235
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,561
Ah, now this feels right.

236
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:44,797
There is no place I would rather be,
and no one I would rather be...

237
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,771
(CELL PHONE RINGING IN THE DISTANCE)

238
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,875
What's wrong?

239
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,367
Did you hear that?

240
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,776
- Hear what?
- (SHUSHING)

241
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,908
(CELL PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

242
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,216
(EX CLAIMS)

243
00:12:10,830 --> 00:12:13,162
- MacLaren's Pub!
- MacLaren's Pub!

244
00:12:19,305 --> 00:12:20,829
(SOBBING)

245
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,471
Go for Barney.

246
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,441
D-cups? Really?

247
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,186
OLDER TED: <i>Finally,</i>
<i>Valentine's Day arrived,</i>

248
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:37,052
<i>the deadline for Marshall and Lily</i>
<i>to find me a wife,</i>

249
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:39,956
<i>an important job they had,</i>
<i>well, forgotten to do.</i>

250
00:12:40,026 --> 00:12:41,960
Aren't we supposed to go
on a double date with Ted?

251
00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:46,021
Ted, no. He's not seeing anyone.
Remember, he asked us to find...

252
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:48,995
Oh, no.

253
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,000
Hey, hey. Wanna get married?

254
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:57,776
I don't know what kind of architect.
Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.

255
00:12:57,844 --> 00:12:59,175
Want to marry my friend, Ted?

256
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:02,612
Wanna marry my friend, Ted?
Wanna marry my friend, Ted?

257
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:06,909
What, you can be choosey?
You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, huh?

258
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:08,948
Hey, just real quick.

259
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,182
(SCREAMS)

260
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,754
MARSHALL: You wanna marry my friend,
Ted?

261
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:18,929
- Man, Ted's right. It's tough out there.
- This is stupid.

262
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:22,399
You know what? We forgot about this.
I'm sure Ted did also.

263
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,164
(SINGING) <i>Here comes the groom</i>

264
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,000
<i>In his favorite blazer</i>

265
00:13:26,072 --> 00:13:28,472
<i>Gonna meet my wife and I'm...</i>

266
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,335
Laser, Taser, gazer... Blazer...

267
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,209
- ROBIN: Hey, Ted.
- Yeah.

268
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,607
ROBIN: Before you go meet
your future wife,

269
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:39,516
why don't you swing by Don's party
with me?

270
00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:41,819
That's what you're wearing?

271
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,856
- Yeah. Why?
- He's a duck.

272
00:13:44,023 --> 00:13:46,253
That dude be straight duckin'.

273
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,324
(SINGING) <i>And I think that I'll amaze her</i>

274
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,727
Nailed it!

275
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,992
OLDER TED: <i>So, we went to Don's party.</i>

276
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,627
Look, Robin, I don't wanna crowd you
on your little date here,

277
00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:58,671
so if things start to get
hot and heavy with Don...

278
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:02,538
- They're not gonna get hot...
- I'm just saying, if they do, I'll just say,

279
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,736
"Well, I got a dinner rez," and then...

280
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:07,143
Wait, this is the best part.
I've been working on this for a while.

281
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,737
I'll duck out.

282
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:09,971
(SARCASTICALLY) Ha, ha, ha.

283
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,108
Okay, it's not gonna happen.

284
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,119
- But, yeah, do that.
- Mmm.

285
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,413
Hello, Robin.

286
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:19,680
(SCREAMS)

287
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:22,618
Well, I got a dinner rez.

288
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,332
Oh, God, Don.
What the hell are you doing?

289
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,996
I don't know.
It's something called "The Naked Man."

290
00:14:32,071 --> 00:14:34,164
I read about it on some guy's blog.

291
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:35,468
My God, I'm so stupid.

292
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,305
Why did I ever think it would work
on someone like you?

293
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:42,110
Yeah. 'Cause I would never...
Could, like... Standards, so...

294
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,878
You know. I thought this was a party.

295
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,578
I only said that to get you
to come over here.

296
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,484
I didn't think you'd bring a date.

297
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,523
Ted's not my date. He's a friend.

298
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:54,390
Oh, God. You probably think
I'm some kind of playboy now, right?

299
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,159
You could say that.

300
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:02,901
So, he's a rabbit.
At least you know for sure.

301
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:04,766
Ted, this may hurt a little.

302
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:08,398
I'm recycling your
old <i>Architecture Weekly</i> magazines.

303
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,540
- What are you doing?
- Cleaning.

304
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:13,443
You go on your date.
Happy Valentine's Day.

305
00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:23,019
- Oh! Thank God you're here.
- Yeah. I've been thinking.

306
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:25,785
- Maybe we should call this whole thing off.
- No. Ted. We got her.

307
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,883
- What?
- We got her. It's the craziest thing.

308
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:31,158
We were searching all week,
and then, a couple of hours ago...

309
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:33,028
- Trudy?
- Married.

310
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:34,828
- Blah, blah?
- Committed.

311
00:15:34,901 --> 00:15:36,869
- Relationship?
- Bellevue.

312
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:38,728
Natalie?

313
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:40,966
Ted's her least favorite person
in the world.

314
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,531
Well, she's not getting any younger.

315
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:44,734
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

316
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:46,642
- Get rid of it!
- What?

317
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:49,978
This phone is cursed. Cursed, I tell you!

318
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:52,677
I try to ignore it,
but it just never stops ringing!

319
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,686
It's ruining my life!

320
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:56,286
I should get that.

321
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,688
No. Please! Please!
Please, Marshall. Let me answer it.

322
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,353
It could be an emergency.
She could be trapped in a giant bra!

323
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:06,762
Barney, Barney, let it go to voicemail.

324
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,026
(SOBBING)

325
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,061
I should let go.

326
00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:11,761
Okay.

327
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:16,973
We have to find Ted a wife.
We're being too choosey.

328
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:19,307
It almost doesn't matter
who it is at this point.

329
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,368
Okay.

330
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,381
- It's a phone girl?
- I know, I know.

331
00:16:25,451 --> 00:16:29,251
No. But, no, then we met her.
And, Ted, she's a world-class violinist.

332
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,187
She's a gourmet cook.

333
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:34,224
And she can quote every line
from <i>Caddyshack!</i>

334
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,860
Wow.

335
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,029
Hello, Ted.

336
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:42,724
"And what brings you
to this nape of the woods?

337
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:45,426
"Neck of the wape? Why are you here?"

338
00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,073
OLDER TED: <i>So, we all had dinner.</i>

339
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:52,168
<i>And, kids, Lily and Marshall's</i>
<i>hard work had paid off,</i>

340
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:55,078
<i>because that girl was terrific. In fact...</i>

341
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:57,978
Oh, but, Natalia, tell Ted the problem.

342
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:00,349
Yeah. Yeah. Tell him. Tell him.

343
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:04,283
Well, unfortunately, I'm going
to have to leave the country soon

344
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,848
because my visa is about to expire.

345
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:09,158
She needs to get married.

346
00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:11,594
Federal law expressly dictates
that a foreign national

347
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:15,964
can't maintain residency for longer than
six months without a work visa. Sorry.

348
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,263
OLDER TED: <i>But when it came down to it...</i>

349
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,828
And you, sir, the rabbit or the duck?

350
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:22,670
- What?
- It's a prix fixe menu for Valentine's Day,

351
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:25,233
and we're already out of
the steak, fish and chicken.

352
00:17:25,311 --> 00:17:27,040
So, rabbit or duck?

353
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,785
Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

354
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,689
Why would Ted order rabbit
if he was just gonna run out?

355
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,023
I need it back! Where's the phone?

356
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:45,258
Well, hello. Oh, I met you already.

357
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:46,992
Where's the phone?

358
00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:49,029
- It's hidden.
- Where?

359
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,793
OLDER TED: <i>Where had Aunt Lily</i>
<i>hidden the phone?</i>

360
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:53,771
<i>Well, to answer that question,</i>
<i>we have to back up a little bit.</i>

361
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,673
You go on your date.
Happy Valentine's Day.

362
00:17:57,944 --> 00:17:59,605
(BARNEY'S CELL PHONE RINGING)

363
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:10,684
Barney's phone.
I wonder how it got in there.

364
00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:14,752
Ted? Come on, big date.

365
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,929
Well, what's the harm? Hello?

366
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:22,433
OLDER TED: <i>And just like that,</i>
<i>I was hooked.</i>

367
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:26,235
Terrific. I will see you there.
And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer.

368
00:18:26,305 --> 00:18:27,329
(LAUGHING)

369
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:30,103
I think you'll know the blazer
when you see it.

370
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,838
- I gotta go.
- Thank God you're here.

371
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,641
So, rabbit or duck?

372
00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,486
Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

373
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,559
Well, hello.

374
00:18:49,495 --> 00:18:51,827
Sorry, babe. I gotta take this.

375
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,055
Barney's phone.
Teddy West Side speaking.

376
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,364
This is my phone! I'm taking it back!
And I'm taking your cool nickname, too.

377
00:18:57,437 --> 00:18:59,997
- Barney West Side speaking.
- No, no, no, no, wait. I love it so much!

378
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,699
It just keeps ringing
and ringing and ringing.

379
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,867
Give it to me! Give it to me. It's mine.
It's mine. It's mine now.

380
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,843
- It's mine!
- Give me the phone!

381
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,641
Lily. Lily, no! No!

382
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:08,702
(TED SCREAMS)

383
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:10,808
Oops.

384
00:19:13,419 --> 00:19:15,284
- Being single sucks.
- Mmm.

385
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:16,946
Turns you into a crazy person.

386
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:21,460
I know. So much running around
and freaking out, and for what?

387
00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,961
It's all so you can find someone
you can sit on a couch

388
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,760
and put off cleaning the bathroom with.

389
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:31,526
Well, the joke's on the rest of the world
because we can do that on our own.

390
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,265
- Exactly.
- Exactly.

391
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:48,718
- Robin, I have to apologize.
- Save it. Let's just do the news.

392
00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:54,090
No, listen. After you left the other night,
I was embarrassed.

393
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,689
Not because I was naked.
I'm actually pretty okay with my body.

394
00:19:57,763 --> 00:19:58,991
Clearly.

395
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,991
I got married in college.

396
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:07,469
I just got divorced three months ago.
I have no idea how to be single.

397
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,665
But that's not why I was embarrassed.

398
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:13,678
I was embarrassed
about my behavior right here, at Channel...

399
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,209
It starts with a one.

400
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,944
- Twelve.
- Twelve.

401
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,952
I mean, just look at your mug.

402
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:23,682
Right. Well, no, you look at this mug.

403
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,617
You are a tremendous news anchor.

404
00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:29,661
And you deserve a co-anchor
who gives a crap.

405
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,929
And from here on out, that's gonna be me.

406
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:35,457
Well, I'll believe that when I see it.

407
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,765
Well, you'll see it right now.

408
00:20:38,204 --> 00:20:40,331
I'll go get you some coffee.

409
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:43,833
Don.

410
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,474
You're wearing pants.

411
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:48,608
Well, look at that.

412
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:53,613
Aw, duck.

413
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:22,870
ENGLISH - US - SDH