1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:02,996 OLDER TED: Kids, in many of my stories, 2 00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:06,767 I'm a starry-eyed romantic on a noble search for true love. 3 00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:09,309 In this one, I'm just a jerk. 4 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,703 Well, guys, tonight is the night. 5 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:17,217 I'm inviting Tiffany up to my place to see my antique camera collection. 6 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,842 - It's Ted's bait. - Bait? 7 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:23,583 A true gentleman invents a pretense to lure an honorable lady into his apartment, 8 00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:27,525 some item of interest or beauty you can both pretend to admire for five minutes 9 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,893 before she hops on your disco stick. 10 00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:33,491 Right. She's coming up to borrow a book, or check out an album on vinyl. 11 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,091 Or to see your new rap poster. 12 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:38,400 (SCOFFS) Rap poster? Who would that work on? 13 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:41,930 It was the first week of college. I was really into Wu-Tang Clan. 14 00:00:43,010 --> 00:00:44,637 Yeah, bait is tricky. 15 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:47,237 It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs, 16 00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:49,646 but not so interesting that it overpowers the night. 17 00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:52,850 BARNEY: I found that a slot machine was too fun. 18 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,444 (EX CLAIMING) 19 00:00:56,290 --> 00:01:00,317 And a trampoline turned out to be too dangerous. 20 00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:03,893 But then I found the perfect bait. 21 00:01:04,331 --> 00:01:06,299 - A teacup pig. - (GRUNTING) 22 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:07,561 Oh... 23 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,430 A teacup pig? Who's that working on? 24 00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:12,404 - You have a teacup pig? - You have a teacup pig? 25 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:13,838 Can we see the teacup pig? 26 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,606 - Can I borrow your teacup pig? - Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig. 27 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,841 You have a teacup pig? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you have a teacup pig. 28 00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:24,078 You're just so cute. Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever. 29 00:01:24,919 --> 00:01:26,011 What? 30 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:29,081 Were you always this pretty? Or are you gonna give me that whole 31 00:01:29,156 --> 00:01:31,681 "Oh, in high school, I was really shy and awkward" line? 32 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:33,659 I was shy and awkward. 33 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:36,821 I was like 100 pounds heavier and I had these crazy buck teeth. 34 00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,694 - Seriously? - No. 35 00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:41,667 I've always been hot. What are you gonna do? 36 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:47,402 Do you know who else would love this teacup pig? 37 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:48,533 Hmm. 38 00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,068 My boyfriend. 39 00:01:50,092 --> 00:01:59,092 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 40 00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:06,456 You have a boyfriend? 41 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:11,123 I know. So annoying, right? I mean, he's not really my boyfriend. 42 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:15,225 - Oh, good. - I mean, technically, he kind of is. 43 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:19,432 - Well, is he or isn't he? - Some of both, but definitely not neither. 44 00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,602 Are you getting any of this? 45 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:25,343 Look, I really like you. 46 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:30,548 I just need you to be patient. I don't want to lose you, big brown eyes. 47 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:38,084 Yep. Somebody doesn't want to lose "big brown eyes." 48 00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:41,356 Oh, Ted. She's got you on the hook. 49 00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:45,455 - What? What? I'm not on the hook. - Oh, you are totally on the hook. 50 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:48,331 She's stringing you along, but she's not committing to you, 51 00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:53,135 but she's keeping you around, just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry. 52 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:56,643 Um... Who's buying canned chili and not eating it immediately? 53 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,200 Amen, sister. 54 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,044 But, Ted, don't feel bad. We've all been there. 55 00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:03,913 I've been on both sides of it. I've been a hookee and a hooker. 56 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,679 Move past it, guys. 57 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:08,654 I've been a little bit loose, but money never changed hands. 58 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,455 I've been on the hook. 59 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:16,622 Lisa Walker. Picture it. 1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota. 60 00:03:17,932 --> 00:03:20,196 So, I was, like, thinking, Lisa, 61 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,201 do you maybe want to, like, go out with me? 62 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:27,801 That sounds great. 63 00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,237 But I'm sort of seeing this guy. 64 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,836 He's got a LeBaron convertible and an in at the roller rink, 65 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,813 so I'd hate to burn that bridge. 66 00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,317 I understand. 67 00:03:39,286 --> 00:03:40,617 But how about this? 68 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:43,680 You can be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework for me. 69 00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:48,292 All right. 70 00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,428 You want to see my rap poster? 71 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:53,599 Poster whore! 72 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,729 Anyway, Lisa Walker strung me along for months 73 00:03:57,805 --> 00:04:02,504 until, one night, I went to go tell her how much I loved her, 74 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,600 (ALL EX CLAIMING IN ADMIRATION) 75 00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:04,701 in song. 76 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,904 (ALL EX CLAIMING IN DISDAIN) 77 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,881 MARSHALL: She wasn't home yet, so I waited. 78 00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:12,683 And waited. 79 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:18,255 I woke up four hours later covered in snow, 80 00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:19,724 and that's when I saw it, 81 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,458 Lisa 's footsteps. 82 00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:26,658 She had walked right over me and into the house. 83 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:29,668 It was the best thing that could've happened. 84 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,329 It got me off her hook. 85 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:34,067 Okay, that is definitely not what's going on with me and Tiffany. 86 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,199 Listen to this. 87 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:38,334 I'm really into you. 88 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:41,877 I just can't be with you right now. 89 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,313 Eh? Eh? 90 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,719 Ted, "right now" is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase. 91 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,952 Yep. "Right now" paints a picture of some sort of magical future time 92 00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:53,050 when everything will work out. 93 00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,062 But the truth is that will never happen. 94 00:04:56,497 --> 00:05:01,264 It's like this, "I can't be with you." Boom! "Right now." 95 00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,200 (IMITATING DOOR CREAKING OPEN) 96 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:08,836 Yeah, I think my high school boyfriend, Scooter, is still sort of on the hook for me. 97 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:11,002 Sort of? He totally is. 98 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,740 The poor guy showed up at our wedding hoping to win you back. 99 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:17,045 Yeah. It's still sometimes weird when I see him at work. 100 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,482 Wait, what? 101 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,318 Scooter works in the school cafeteria. We've talked about this. 102 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,848 Hey, Lily. Nice dress. Tater Tots? 103 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:27,726 (MOUTHING) I love you. 104 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,391 We most certainly have not talked about this! 105 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:35,367 Yes, we have. I've mentioned it tons of times. 106 00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:37,370 Lunch lady Scooter. 107 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:40,999 I thought that you were referring to some sort of long overdue device 108 00:05:41,075 --> 00:05:44,943 that carries around those poor, underappreciated lunch ladies. 109 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,673 This explains a lot. 110 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,578 Lunch lady Scooter was there again today. 111 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:53,313 Yeah, did you jump on that thing? Give it a ride? 112 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,479 No! 113 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:57,285 Really? If it were me, I'd be riding that scooter all day long 114 00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,451 until I broke that thing in half. 115 00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,126 So those poor women still have to walk everywhere? 116 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,995 Wait, Scooter is working at your school? 117 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:11,128 - Are you jealous? - No, I just feel bad for Scooter. 118 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:13,969 'Cause the only reason he took that job is he thinks he has a shot with you. 119 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:17,306 You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that he can move on, 120 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,346 and a real lunch lady can get her job back. 121 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,574 - Damn! - I've tried. 122 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,618 Hey, Lily. I saw you have seventh period free. 123 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:28,416 So do I. You want to run away together? 124 00:06:29,323 --> 00:06:31,416 Let me be clear, Scooter, 125 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:35,155 there's no way you and I can ever be together. 126 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,065 Right now. 127 00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:48,131 I'll see you tomorrow, Lily. It's Tijuana Tuesday. 128 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:51,310 "Right now"? 129 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,611 You "right nowed" Scooter? 130 00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:56,572 You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all. 131 00:06:56,650 --> 00:07:00,142 You're right. Day after tomorrow, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. 132 00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:04,316 - Why not tomorrow? - Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday. 133 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:10,421 Really? You're really gonna sit here all night watching the door 134 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:13,295 because Tiffany said she'll "try to stop by"? 135 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,733 Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her. 136 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:18,465 OLDER TED: I should've given up on her. 137 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,234 This girl is special. 138 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,638 She was the devil. 139 00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,137 Things are gonna work out with Tiffany. 140 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,679 No, they're not, dumbass! 141 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,245 Ted, let me be clear, this girl is a poison 142 00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,980 and you need to cut her out of your life forever. 143 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,381 Hey, there she is. 144 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,158 Oh, she brought some of her co-workers. 145 00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,334 Hang on to this girl, Ted. Hang on to her and never let go! 146 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,374 Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen. 147 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:01,243 - And they all work with Tiffany? - Yep. 148 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:04,148 There can only be one explanation for this. 149 00:08:04,218 --> 00:08:09,417 Ted, is Tiffany a (STUTTERS) pharmaceutical sales rep? 150 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:14,390 - Yeah. How did you know that? - And you never thought to mention that? 151 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,127 What? It's just a job. 152 00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:20,155 (EX CLAIMING) Just a... Just a... 153 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,502 - What? - Ted, throughout time, 154 00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:26,095 there has always been one cutting-edge profession 155 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,937 to which hot girls, like Tiffany, have flocked. 156 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,842 - Shall I walk you through the history? - I'm gonna explicitly say no. 157 00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,642 It all started 2.5 million years ago. 158 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,311 BARNEY: Man was a hunter. 159 00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:40,615 So the hottest profession of the day? Gatherer. 160 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,487 Homo erectus, indeed. 161 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,690 As man mastered technology, the hottest profession of the day evolved. 162 00:08:50,764 --> 00:08:54,063 I'm pretty sure it's a hernia. Can you check again? 163 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,298 And then man took to the skies. 164 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:04,174 And so hot women put on high heels and became stewardesses. 165 00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,042 I am in the upright and locked position. 166 00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:14,820 And then man said, " Life is hard. 167 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,550 "I should start taking lots of prescription drugs." 168 00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:21,526 And so, hot girls rolled into doctors' offices, looking sexy enough to render 169 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,564 the very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant. 170 00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:28,590 So, now, pharma girls are today's hottest profession. 171 00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:32,232 Hey, big brown eyes! How are you doing? 172 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,203 I'm good. 173 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:38,000 Hey, by the way, you ditch that loser boyfriend yet? 174 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,511 No, sir. 175 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,644 Touched my nose. 176 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:49,951 Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in a pharma girl free-for-all! 177 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,514 Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, 178 00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:54,959 shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. 179 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,825 What in the world is up? 180 00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:04,660 Hey, so, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook. 181 00:10:05,539 --> 00:10:07,336 I decided what you need is practice. 182 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,274 Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes? 183 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,438 Well... 184 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,311 (EX CLAIMING) 185 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:20,648 All right, shut it, woman. 186 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:24,350 Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig, 187 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,985 and tell him that there's no way that you could ever be with him. 188 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:37,033 Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you. 189 00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:41,732 Oh... 190 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,306 - Right now. - Oh, come on, grow a pair! 191 00:10:48,382 --> 00:10:52,443 I'm sorry. But he's just so freaking cute. 192 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:56,387 I just want to cuddle him all day long. Yes, I do. 193 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,448 You know, it's funny, I remember when you used to say things like that about me. 194 00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,791 - Well, I still do. - Yeah. Not as much, Lily. 195 00:11:04,598 --> 00:11:06,031 Not as much. 196 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,224 (BARNEY LAUGHS) 197 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,964 Ain't no party like a pharma girl party 'Cause a pharma girl party don't stop 198 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,940 Dude, I've already hooked up with three of them. 199 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:19,240 Fantazmo. Plus, my cholesterol is down, my Restless Leg Syndrome is cured. 200 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,075 I've never felt more alive! Ooh. 201 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:25,610 Guys, great news! Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. 202 00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:28,621 - Proof that I am not on the hook. - Oh, you're still on the hook. 203 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:31,385 Uh-uh. Listen to how we spent last night. 204 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,820 TED: First, we cuddled. 205 00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:39,022 Then, we shared chocolate cake. 206 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:43,896 Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, 207 00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:46,871 but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub. 208 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,032 (INAUDIBLE) 209 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:52,979 And, let me guess, it didn't go any further than that. 210 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,405 Well, no, but... 211 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,815 And, tell me, did you by any chance make that chocolate cake? 212 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:01,611 It was a mix. 213 00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:04,623 - Dude. - There's no shame in admitting it, Ted. 214 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:08,923 We've all been on people's hooks, and we've all kept someone on a hook. 215 00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,020 Um, I most certainly have not. 216 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,794 - What? Are you joking? - What? 217 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:17,894 What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta? 218 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:19,939 Henrietta and I are just friends. 219 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:24,067 - Oh, she is so on your hook. - Absolutely not! 220 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,771 OLDER TED: She totally was. 221 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,644 I mean, we cuddled. 222 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:29,943 Ah! 223 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,046 OLDER TED: We shared chocolate cake. 224 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,781 Mmm, it's good. 225 00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:39,750 She gave me foot rubs. Long ones. I'm not proud, kids. 226 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,656 You like having Henrietta around 227 00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:45,061 for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around. 228 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,895 It's a nice little ego boost. 229 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:50,164 No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook. 230 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,671 What about that poor camera guy you work with? 231 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:55,333 - Mike and I are just friends. - Come on! 232 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,367 Mmm! Oh! 233 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,242 Yeah, that's the stuff. 234 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:04,147 Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level? 235 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,549 Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board. 236 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,078 - You got yourself a deal. - Mmm. 237 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:14,527 - What! I am not keeping Mike on the hook! - You are Captain Hook! 238 00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:18,860 Uh, dude, I'm a girl. Okay, our girl parts are like a spider web. 239 00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,627 Sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want. 240 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,530 That doesn't make it okay. 241 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:27,164 Oh, and Henrietta's in no way wasting her time with you, right? 242 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:29,140 Henrietta knows that we're just friends. 243 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:33,669 In fact, I'm gonna call her up and hang out with her tonight as friends. 244 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,539 - Hey, Ted. - Hey. 245 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:36,707 I love you. 246 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:40,310 What? Do you want a foot massage? 'Cause I've been practicing on myself. 247 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,480 - No, I'm good. - Okay. 248 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,489 I didn't know if you were hungry, so I just threw together some... 249 00:13:45,559 --> 00:13:47,322 It's not a big deal. 250 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:49,760 OLDER TED: Kids, looking back, I don't know how I didn't see 251 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,957 that Henrietta was madly in love with me. 252 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,260 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 253 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,927 - Hello? - Hey, Ted. 254 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,061 Hey, Tiffany. 255 00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,629 I'm going out of town this weekend for my friend's wedding. 256 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,368 Want to be my date? 257 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:05,002 I would love to. Hey, what are you doing right now? 258 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,773 Oh, God, no. 259 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,782 Awesome. Okay, I'll see you in, like, 10 minutes? 260 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:11,283 Great. 261 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:15,481 Sorry, Henrietta. Something came up. Take a rain check, pal? 262 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:17,785 - Yeah, it's no problem. - All right. Hey, ho. 263 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,416 Oh! You're strong. 264 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:20,891 OLDER TED: What a jerk! 265 00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:23,953 Henrietta, I... 266 00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:25,864 Wait, where did Ted go? 267 00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:27,331 I thought we were finally gonna get to meet him? 268 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,925 Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom? 269 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:33,995 - I told you there was no Ted. - HENRIETTA: I heard that! 270 00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:39,736 OLDER TED: So there I was, 271 00:14:39,813 --> 00:14:43,305 at one of the surest signs of taking a relationship to the next level, 272 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,511 an out-of-town wedding. It was finally happening. 273 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:50,579 - Champagne? - Ted! Oh, my gosh. I forgot to call you. 274 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,353 Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now. 275 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,950 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 276 00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:58,156 Um, this is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding. 277 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,426 We just got back together. 278 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,027 You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice. 279 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,594 You're Ted? 280 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,003 Ouch! 281 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,200 But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake. 282 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:15,309 Isn't he great? And he's in a band. 283 00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:16,638 (SQUEALS) 284 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:17,978 Thanks. 285 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:22,218 Come on, Lily. You have to get Scooter off the hook. Now try again. 286 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,015 Teacup pig, 287 00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:28,153 I don't want to be with you. 288 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,066 - Right now. - Man up! 289 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,372 Teacup pig, 290 00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,434 I don't want to be with you. 291 00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:53,317 - Ever! - Finish him! 292 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:57,755 We will never be together in any sort of sexual way ever again! 293 00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:58,882 Nice. 294 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:02,757 - Sort of a weird thing to say to a pig. - It felt really wrong. 295 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,295 Anyway, I just don't think you and I are gonna work. 296 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:09,896 (WHISPERS) Right now. 297 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:14,774 OLDER TED: And that's when it hit me. I was on the hook. I also realized... 298 00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,333 I missed this so much, baby. 299 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:20,538 Tiffany was on this guy's hook. It was a vicious cycle. 300 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,080 Henrietta was on my hook. 301 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:25,606 And years later, I found out this poor bastard was on Henrietta 's hook. 302 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:32,818 You know what? We're not gonna work, ever. 303 00:16:34,060 --> 00:16:35,357 I'm done. 304 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:42,490 And it's really better for the circulation if you knead the arches with your thumbs. 305 00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:43,729 Now I'm done. 306 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,941 - Marshall, I can do this by myself. - Okay. Well, then, prove it. 307 00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:55,570 And grab me a pudding. 308 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:03,678 Listen up, Scooter, there is no way you and I will ever be together. 309 00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:12,356 MARSHALL: Right now! 310 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,401 - Marshall! - I'm sorry. But he's adorable. 311 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,902 Listen, I don't want to be with you. 312 00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:21,134 Right now. Hang in there, Scoots. I'm not gonna live forever. 313 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,276 Last night, I was with this pharma girl who was so hot 314 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:28,837 you should call a doctor if you don't have an erection for more than four hours. 315 00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,906 Am I right, people? 316 00:17:30,984 --> 00:17:34,681 Yeah, there's no people. Just the girl you most recently dated. 317 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:40,659 Hey, Barney, I want you to meet the newest pharma girl. 318 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,991 Gladys Reynolds. Nice to make your acquaintance. 319 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:46,055 I represent statins and other cholesterol-Iowering drugs. 320 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,868 - Come on, girl. Let's go get our drink on! - Okay. 321 00:17:52,005 --> 00:17:54,473 - It's over. - What's over? 322 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:59,034 Pharma girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks. 323 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,477 It's the end of an era. 324 00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:03,175 - You're being a little dramatic. - Am I? 325 00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,682 It starts out with a Gladys. 326 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:09,210 Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous gay guys enter the ranks. 327 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:12,747 And before you know it, pharma girls look like the crew 328 00:18:12,826 --> 00:18:16,421 on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock. 329 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:19,795 - It's over. - Okay. 330 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,393 OLDER TED: So that night, I went straight to Henrietta 's, 331 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,801 all set to let her off the hook. 332 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,238 This is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding. 333 00:18:41,054 --> 00:18:42,316 I'm done. 334 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:50,195 Yes! The answer is yes! 335 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:55,159 - No! - Oh! It gets worse. 336 00:18:55,635 --> 00:19:00,095 It's perfect! Mom, Dad! Ted proposed! 337 00:19:00,173 --> 00:19:02,437 Oh, my God! I knew this day would come! 338 00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:03,533 Oh! Oh! 339 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,510 - Son! - Yeah, well... There's been a... 340 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:08,639 No! What did you do? 341 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:14,052 I seriously considered just marrying her out of sheer awkwardness. 342 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,351 But I did what I had to do. 343 00:19:16,422 --> 00:19:20,085 I did what anyone keeping someone on the hook should do. 344 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,320 I broke her heart. 345 00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:25,628 Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt, but I think I owe you this. 346 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,562 I don't want to be with you. 347 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,667 Right now? 348 00:19:32,906 --> 00:19:34,032 Ever. 349 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:38,576 But we're still getting married, right? 350 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:43,844 - It was brutal. - Oh. I'm sorry, buddy. 351 00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:48,013 Honesty is tough, but in the end, it's the far kinder alternative. 352 00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,179 Yeah. 353 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:50,914 Hey, sweetie. 354 00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,456 Hey, Mike, I have to tell you something. 355 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:00,896 - Wait, did you finish my delicates? - I got one more load. 356 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,730 Ah. It can wait. (CHUCKLES) 357 00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:07,264 I... 358 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,110 - Hey. - Hey, how's it going? 359 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:16,478 Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era? 360 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,746 No. I realized that their reign had to end 361 00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:21,787 to make room for some new hot girl profession. 362 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:26,486 Maybe it'll be intergalactic communications officer 363 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:30,893 on a rocket ship to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine. 364 00:20:30,964 --> 00:20:34,593 Maybe it'll be meter maids. We just don't know. 365 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,234 But one thing is sure. 366 00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:42,968 The future glows like a giant sun 367 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:47,376 shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds. 368 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,477 Wow, what changed your mind? 369 00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:54,418 The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin. 370 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:59,581 That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion. 371 00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:03,425 I don't know what they are, (LAUGHING) but they're amazing! 372 00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:33,981 ENGLISH - US - SDH