1
00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:03,767
OLDER TED: <i>Kids, you may be wondering</i>
<i>how many of these stories</i>

2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,568
<i>I'm telling you are true. It's a fair question.</i>

3
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:11,077
<i>After all, there's a fine line between</i>
<i>a good story and a bald-faced lie.</i>

4
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,808
<i>I never met anyone who could work</i>
<i>that line better than your Uncle Barney.</i>

5
00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,248
<i>Heck, he could jump rope with it.</i>

6
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:18,948
I love to travel myself.

7
00:00:19,020 --> 00:00:20,112
- Really?
- Hmm.

8
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,849
- Where's the best place you've visited?
- Hawaii's nice.

9
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:26,426
A buddy of mine lives in Seattle,
that's a good spot.

10
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,694
But the best place,
I'd have to say the moon.

11
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,960
Hi, Neil Armstrong.

12
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:34,092
No! You did not convince a girl

13
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,363
you were the first man
to walk on the moon!

14
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,371
That happened seven years
before you were born.

15
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:41,038
Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle.

16
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,974
Oh, yeah,
our spaceship passed through a wormhole

17
00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:50,143
or some gamma rays or something.
I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah.

18
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,879
So, you work in a yogurt shop,
that must be wild.

19
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,147
(ALL GROANING)

20
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:58,615
Although, I did actually
work in a yogurt store in high school.

21
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:01,957
And it was indeed wild.

22
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:06,459
Anywho, 20 minutes later,
the eagle landed.

23
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:09,001
We knocked space boots.

24
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:11,261
Houston, we have a moaner.

25
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:15,299
Other space related double entendres.

26
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,069
Why do you feel the need
to lie all the time?

27
00:01:18,145 --> 00:01:20,909
I'm not lying! Guys, we made sweet love.

28
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,039
I got pictures.

29
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:23,775
No.

30
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,774
(SIGHING)

31
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:27,447
I hate my job.

32
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,819
What are you talking about?
I thought you just interviewed the mayor.

33
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:33,724
Mayor McWoof. He wears a dog costume,
and teaches kids not to litter.

34
00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:35,662
At least he's supposed to.

35
00:01:36,030 --> 00:01:38,294
I don't want to talk about Mayor McWoof.

36
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:42,825
I want to talk about these amazing insoles
from Bon Appe-Feet!

37
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,837
Just look how shock absorbent they are!

38
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:47,032
A prop! The table's a prop!

39
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,799
(SIGHING) We'll be right back.

40
00:01:52,046 --> 00:01:53,343
We'll be right back.

41
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:57,179
Oh! Sorry, Robin. Got bored.

42
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,118
Yeah, I don't blame you.

43
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:04,223
Man, just one decent interview
would be so nice for a change.

44
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:08,322
Fine. I'll look at my schedule,
see when I'm available.

45
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,226
But I want a list of questions
ahead of time,

46
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,992
and my personal life is off limits.

47
00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:16,503
Ted, you caught seven peanuts in a row.
It's impressive but it's not newsworthy.

48
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,767
- You caught seven in a row?
- Seven in a row.

49
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,671
- Whoa!
- But that's not what I'm talking about.

50
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,540
No, I'm talking about how I was selected

51
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:27,376
to build a scale model
of the Empire State Building,

52
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:30,975
for the largest re-creation
of the New York skyline in the world.

53
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,212
Is that the thing you were playing with
the other night?

54
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,417
I wasn't playing. I was working.

55
00:02:37,057 --> 00:02:39,116
"It's you." "It's me."

56
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,151
"I saw you in the street."

57
00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:43,189
"Are you Annie?"

58
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:44,489
"Yes."

59
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,060
Ted?

60
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,336
Are you acting out
the last scene of <i>Sleepless in Seattle</i>

61
00:02:49,403 --> 00:02:50,802
with little dolls?

62
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:53,033
How long have you been out here?

63
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,034
- Ten seconds.
- Yeah. Just the last scene.

64
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,108
Oh, Ted. Again?

65
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,204
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

66
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,875
Ooh! That's the pizza.
Baby, do you have any cash?

67
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,039
Oh!

68
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:08,318
You know, I don't... I actually...
I don't think that I should have to pay,

69
00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,214
'cause I'm not a fan of pizza.

70
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,282
(LILY GASPING)

71
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,586
- What?
- Marshall, we've driven halfway

72
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,461
across the country for a piece of pizza,
literally, hundreds of times.

73
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,399
I once caught you eating pizza
in the shower.

74
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:24,164
Marshall, there's a cartoon of you
on our coupons.

75
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:26,303
I'm not saying
Marshall's a guy who likes pizza,

76
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,102
but last time
he went in for a physical, doctor says,

77
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,370
"Marshall, you got to stop eating pizza."
Marshall says, "Why?"

78
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:33,936
Doc says, "So I can examine you."
But seriously, we kid because we love.

79
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:37,780
All right, look, the reason
that I don't have any money on me

80
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,250
is because

81
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,047
I got mugged.

82
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:43,687
You what?

83
00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:48,026
Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right?
I'm starving.

84
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,687
- How's your dad, by the way?
- Better.

85
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,957
Good.

86
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:58,981
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

87
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:07,238
- Oh, my God! You got mugged?
- Who mugged you?

88
00:04:07,314 --> 00:04:09,748
Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap
and a five o'clock shadow?

89
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,717
- Did he say, "Stick them up"?
- Yes, Barney,

90
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:15,277
because I got mugged in 1947,
at the corner of Abbott and Costello.

91
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:18,655
No. I was cutting through Central Park
on my way home from work.

92
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:22,491
Watch it. Don't get any closer.

93
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,855
It's cool. It's cool.

94
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,235
It was completely terrifying.

95
00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,972
"It was completely terrifying."

96
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,466
- What are you doing?
- I'm rehearsing.

97
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:39,637
I'm gonna pretend this happened to me
later to try and get some sympathy sex.

98
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,908
Barney, that won't work.

99
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,040
- Will it?
- Big time.

100
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,207
I'll allow it.

101
00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:48,251
I can't believe someone pointed a gun
at my Marshmallow!

102
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,416
I'm shaking! I don't think
I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight.

103
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,823
Aw! Here, sweetie.
I have something that will help you sleep.

104
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,289
(ALL GASPING)

105
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:59,230
Just stick this under your pillow.
You'll sleep like a freaking baby.

106
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,064
- Robin, put that away!
- It's not gonna hurt anyone.

107
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:04,127
- (GUN CLICKS)
- The safety's on.

108
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,375
Okay, you know what, let's all just relax.

109
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:10,273
We don't need a gun.

110
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:14,371
I'd just like to forget this ever happened
and try to move on with my life.

111
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:18,782
"I'd just like to forget this ever happened,
and try to move on with my life."

112
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,480
This is great stuff.
I think I'm going to add tears, though.

113
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,556
Listen, baby, I know that it's scary,
but look at me.

114
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:29,190
I'm fine, okay?
Can't we just put this behind us?

115
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:32,664
That's gold. But I'm gonna switch it to
"putting me behind you."

116
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,568
Baby, you don't have to worry about me.

117
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:37,934
I mean, yes, I'm a little scared.

118
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,031
But I'm a New Yorker,
I'm not gonna let this change me.

119
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:44,907
I've changed! I'm a gun person now.

120
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:48,274
- Clip!
- Yeah, maybe we should

121
00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:51,182
- just take a break for a little bit.
- (IN HUSKY VOICE) I said, "Clip!"

122
00:05:54,088 --> 00:05:56,283
- You want to get a gun?
- Not a scary one.

123
00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:58,052
Just a cute, little pink Beretta

124
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,753
that matches these adorable
strappy sandals I just bought.

125
00:06:00,828 --> 00:06:02,489
By the way, our new credit card works.

126
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,324
You don't need a gun.

127
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:07,060
Every statistic in the world
points to the fact that

128
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:09,728
it's safer not to have a gun in the home
than to have one.

129
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,794
Especially in our home.

130
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,863
You know how I'm always
accidentally injuring you.

131
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,808
Pretty easy, right?

132
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,002
(LILY SCREAMING)

133
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:26,843
(LILY SCREAMING)

134
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,217
(GLASS SHATTERING)

135
00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:32,115
Hurry up, baby. The party's about to start.

136
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,250
- Boo!
- (SCREAMS)

137
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,759
Oh, my God, Lily!
I thought you were going as a sexy cat!

138
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,560
I changed my mind.

139
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,368
And now you want to bring a gun
into that equation?

140
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,269
I know, you're right,

141
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:50,777
but every time I close my eyes,
I picture that guy pointing a gun at you.

142
00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,778
(CRYING) And you're my whole world,
Marshall.

143
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,610
If something ever happened to you,
I would just... I would just...

144
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:58,310
Okay, okay. I know. I know. I know.

145
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,945
Okay, look, I got to admit something.

146
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,923
That mugging didn't happen
exactly the way that I said it did.

147
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:08,428
Aha! So he was wearing
a black skull-knit cap!

148
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:09,985
Told you!

149
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,963
No, he wasn't wearing
a black skull-knit cap.

150
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,832
He wasn't wearing anything.

151
00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:18,033
Wait. So...

152
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,771
Watch it. Don't get any closer.

153
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,702
It's... It's cool. It's cool.

154
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,179
He naked-muggered you?

155
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,712
I'm not gonna ask
where he was keeping the gun.

156
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,547
Are we sure it was a gun?

157
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,214
No, guys. I was walking home from work,

158
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:40,920
through Central Park,
and I stopped at the zoo.

159
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:46,190
Watch it. Don't get any closer.

160
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,594
Oh! It's cool. It's cool.

161
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,128
(MONKEY CHATTERING)

162
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:58,541
You're telling us...

163
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,505
That you got mugged...

164
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,015
By a monkey.

165
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,475
I got mugged by a monkey.

166
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,655
(ALL LAUGHING)

167
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:20,265
- You got mugged by a monkey?
- Yep. I got mugged by a monkey.

168
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,359
I was embarrassed,
so I made up the other story.

169
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,961
But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun.

170
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,598
(LAUGHING) Forget about the gun.
We're on this now.

171
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:31,166
Wow, monkeys are mugging people now?
It really is a jungle out there.

172
00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:35,238
(GASPING) Oh, my God. That monkey
has our address. What if he's in a gang?

173
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,408
I hope he doesn't do a swing by.

174
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:41,782
Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper
to get your wallet back?

175
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,914
'Cause I saw what the monkey
was doing with it,

176
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,390
and I didn't really want it after that.

177
00:08:46,460 --> 00:08:48,052
Hey, guys. What's up?

178
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:52,564
Oh! Some new information
has come to light on Marshall's mugging.

179
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,466
- Oh, really? Did they catch the guy?
- Well, he's behind bars.

180
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:58,328
Well, where did they find him?

181
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:01,602
I'm guessing naked in a tree,
throwing his own feces.

182
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,641
Oh. I've seen that guy.
See, that's why I take cabs.

183
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,444
You know how they caught him, right?

184
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,649
- There was a tail on him.
- There was a tail on him!

185
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:16,149
- Okay, what is going on?
- All right, Robin, here's what happened.

186
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,282
No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell it.
It's my story.

187
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:23,054
You see, young Marshall was at the zoo,
eating a banana.

188
00:09:25,299 --> 00:09:28,268
No, I wasn't eating a banana.
If you're gonna tell it, tell it right.

189
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:31,230
You're right.
The banana was on the ground.

190
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:47,344
There was no banana. There was no...
There was no banana.

191
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,651
Marshall, I apologize. Truly.

192
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,054
Robin, here's what happened.

193
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,888
(MONKEY CHATTERING)

194
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,429
Oh, God. Oh, God, don't shoot.

195
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,088
There was no banana!

196
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:02,226
Come on, Barney. I know Marshall
didn't get mugged by a monkey.

197
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,597
Marshall?

198
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,934
- That part he got right.
- What?

199
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,977
Guys, this is not
an uncommon thing, okay?

200
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:16,209
In Thailand, in China, in Costa Rica, people
get mugged by monkeys all the time.

201
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:19,309
Monkeys are gatherers.
Because of their inter-social dynamics,

202
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:23,117
having a predisposition towards stealing
gives one a genetic advantage.

203
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,814
You were mugged by a monkey.

204
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:29,394
Maybe he was just curious.
Were you wearing a yellow hat?

205
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,228
Marshall, in all seriousness,
this is a great story.

206
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,927
I mean, can I interview you about it
on my show?

207
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,036
What? He gets to be on your show?
What about my model?

208
00:10:38,105 --> 00:10:40,596
No one wants to see a guy
come on my show and play with dolls.

209
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,302
Okay, first of all, that is not what it is.

210
00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:46,244
And second of all, you just had a guy
on your show playing with dolls.

211
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:50,681
So, your dolls are favored to win at the
Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month.

212
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,378
Only if they behave themselves.

213
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,283
Last year, I found one of them
cavorting with a G.I. Joe.

214
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,515
(ROBIN LAUGHING)

215
00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:57,989
It's not funny.

216
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:01,527
What were you thinking?
What if you'd gotten pregnant?

217
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,995
And you invited him back
for a follow-up interview!

218
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:08,996
Only because the FBI asked us to keep him
occupied while they searched his house.

219
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,901
Come on, Marshall, I need the story.
It's got everything.

220
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:17,637
Crime, monkeys, no stupid model
of the Empire State Building

221
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:20,874
that takes up my entire living room
and makes the whole place smell like glue.

222
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,874
Come on. Do this for me, as a friend.

223
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,746
- It'd be fun to see you on TV.
- Yeah.

224
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:32,424
Okay, can you promise
to present it in a way

225
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:35,757
that doesn't make a joke out of the fact
that I got mugged by a monkey?

226
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,557
You got mugged by a monkey.

227
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,500
Oh, my God! I just got mugged!

228
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,902
- What?
- Is what I was saying

229
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,099
to this girl at the bar earlier.

230
00:11:48,642 --> 00:11:50,507
It was completely terrifying.

231
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:54,944
I just want to forget this ever happened
and try to move on with my life.

232
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,743
Oh, you poor thing.

233
00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:58,144
Neil?

234
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,480
- Neil?
- I...

235
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:00,645
- Neil?
- I...

236
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:03,053
- Neil!
- Lady, my name's not Neil.

237
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,784
It's Ba... (GAGGING)

238
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,622
- Why are you calling him Neil?
- Because that's his name.

239
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:09,161
He's Neil Armstrong.

240
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,454
The cyclist?

241
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,125
I thought you were supposed to be
on a shuttle mission.

242
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,933
I thought you just got mugged.

243
00:12:17,037 --> 00:12:19,597
Okay, I can do this. You see,

244
00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:25,202
I was on my way to the launch pad
when I was mugged.

245
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:30,441
And the mugger
took my space shuttle keys.

246
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:32,542
Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?

247
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,514
- I am!
- Me, too!

248
00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:35,612
(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

249
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,816
And it was the best three-way ever.

250
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:42,588
Strange, 'cause you look like you just
had two vodka tonics thrown in your face.

251
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:44,688
You have lime in your hair.

252
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:51,600
The story's better with my ending...
Just... Okay?

253
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,935
So, there we are, zero gravity.

254
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,140
The three of us
wearing nothing but space helmets.

255
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,910
- ROBIN: Marshall.
- And I...

256
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:02,312
You won't believe it. I pitched
the monkey mugger story to my producer,

257
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,747
and he loves it!

258
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,648
Oh! Wow.

259
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:07,414
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Really? Cool.

260
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,580
I mean, who's ever heard of a guy
getting mugged by a monkey?

261
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:14,286
No one, except for the good people
of Thailand, China, Costa Rica,

262
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,623
and plenty of other countries

263
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,959
where monkey crime is
an extremely common nuisance.

264
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:21,023
Well, the best part is, he said that
it might get picked up to go national.

265
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,593
Guys, this monkey mugger story
could make me famous.

266
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,768
Me, too.

267
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,909
(STAMMERING) Guys, this is bad.
I can't do this.

268
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,311
- So it'll be a little embarrassing. So what?
- It's not that.

269
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,474
Guys,

270
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,350
(WHISPERING) I wasn't mugged
by a monkey.

271
00:13:44,758 --> 00:13:48,387
- So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
- No, I wasn't.

272
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,056
So, what you're saying is,

273
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:54,294
the monkey tricked you
into giving him your wallet?

274
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:55,766
No, that's not what I'm saying.

275
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:59,237
- So, you mugged the monkey?
- Guys, there was no monkey!

276
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,240
It was a human being with a gun.

277
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:06,940
Are you sure it wasn't one monkey
standing on another monkey's shoulders

278
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,275
wearing a men's trench coat?

279
00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,774
- Be about the right height.
- No! I...

280
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,746
I just made that story up
so that Lily wouldn't get a gun.

281
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:15,811
The truth is that it never happened.

282
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,347
I don't buy it!

283
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,551
- What?
- You heard me.

284
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:23,062
I think you were mugged by a monkey.
You just don't want to go on Robin's show,

285
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,063
'cause you're afraid
it'll make you look like a big joke.

286
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:28,123
- Well, won't it?
- The biggest 'cause it's so funny.

287
00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,533
Well, it never happened, okay?

288
00:14:30,604 --> 00:14:32,868
And I can lie to you guys about it,
because you're my best friends.

289
00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:36,773
- I am, but go on.
- But I can't lie about it on national TV.

290
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,306
Ted, you've known him the longest.
Is he telling the truth?

291
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,278
Ted, don't.

292
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:53,625
I can't tell.

293
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:57,119
He smells good.

294
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,230
I just can't tell.

295
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,371
Well, I'm still saying it happened.

296
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:09,534
Maybe. But, Marshall,
if you didn't get mugged by a monkey,

297
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:12,703
you can't let Robin report it on her show.
I mean, this could hurt her credibility.

298
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:15,475
Oh, please. Journalists lie all the time.

299
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:20,008
I'm sorry, but I will believe that
Jack Palance is dead when I see the body.

300
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,783
Okay, this may come as a shock to you,
Barney, but people don't like to be lied to.

301
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:27,122
Wrong. They don't like finding out
they've been lied to.

302
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:29,320
"Because a lie is just a great story

303
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:32,126
"that someone ruined with the truth."
Barney Stinson.

304
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:35,935
Case in point,
what that girl Sarah did to me.

305
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:40,403
- You mean what you did to her.
- No. I mean what she did to me.

306
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:45,336
The truth is, I'm afraid the three-way story
didn't go exactly as I said it did.

307
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,973
Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way?

308
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,075
Lisa, wait.

309
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:56,418
- Yes, Neil?
- You're Lisa? Sarah, wait.

310
00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,283
Look,

311
00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:02,025
I'm not Neil Armstrong.

312
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,061
I'm sorry I lied.

313
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:09,133
Well, I guess I wasn't
completely honest with you either.

314
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:12,660
I mean, I said that I was 28,
but the truth is that I'm really 31.

315
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:15,036
And if we're being completely honest,

316
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,167
I went to the doctor the other day
and found out...

317
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:22,373
Thirty-one! I was happy, very happy,

318
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:26,408
thinking that I had nailed a 28-year-old
with some sun damage.

319
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:31,154
People want the lie, Marshall.
They need the lie,

320
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:34,921
which is why, as far as I'm concerned,
you were mugged by a monkey.

321
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:41,230
Just as sure as I had that three-way.
I am the greatest in the world!

322
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:42,625
(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

323
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,897
Barney, is that the three-way belt?

324
00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:46,802
- You know it.
- Props!

325
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,869
Man, I slept so great last night.

326
00:16:50,944 --> 00:16:54,209
(SIGHS) Can you believe
I almost bought a gun?

327
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,339
I'm so glad you got mugged by a monkey.

328
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,111
Okay, you guys got me.

329
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,515
I was just nervous.
I got mugged by a monkey.

330
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,787
- Yes! I knew it!
- Wait a minute.

331
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:11,024
Now I'm thinking
you really weren't mugged by a monkey.

332
00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:13,122
Come on, Ted. Why would
he make something like that up?

333
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,564
Yeah, come on, Ted.

334
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:16,899
Come here.

335
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:25,771
Okay, seriously, what is that cologne?
It's intoxicating.

336
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:30,510
OLDER TED: <i>So, late the following night,</i>
<i>we all went to the set of Robin's show.</i>

337
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:31,982
Okay, Marshall, now, don't be nervous.

338
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,451
What we're going to do is,
we're going to sit you...

339
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,216
- What the hell is this?
- I don't know.

340
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,416
Looks like something covered by a sheet.

341
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,520
Guess if you want to find out,
you're gonna have to do a story on it.

342
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,084
You're gonna be covered by a sheet

343
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,960
if you don't
get your stupid model out of here.

344
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,099
Dude, what are you doing?

345
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:50,762
I don't think Marshall's going to lie on TV.

346
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:54,739
And when he backs out, I want to be there
for my friend Robin with a story.

347
00:17:54,808 --> 00:17:57,003
Or rather, 102 stories,

348
00:17:57,077 --> 00:18:01,013
because that's how tall
a certain iconic New York landmark is.

349
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,545
Now, I want to buy a gun.

350
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,481
Whoa, the monkey's here.

351
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,952
Surprise. We thought it would
help the story to bring him here

352
00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,249
so you could face your attacker.

353
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,654
Yeah, because of this incident,

354
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:14,625
we will be sending Captain Bobo
to a wildlife sanctuary.

355
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,491
Ooh! I bet he'll like it there.

356
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:20,825
No, ma'am. You see, we'll be
splitting him up from his mate Milly.

357
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:22,895
They've been together for a long time.

358
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,037
His mate's name is Milly?

359
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,668
OLDER TED: <i>And then the interview began.</i>

360
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,904
Marshall, in your own words,
describe what happened.

361
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:36,114
Well, I would... I... I would love to
tell you what happened, Robin.

362
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,442
But...

363
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:42,547
I'm just... I'm so curious as to
what is going on underneath that sheet.

364
00:18:42,856 --> 00:18:45,950
Well, we're not here to talk about that.
We're here to talk about your mugging.

365
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,755
Right. Well, people get mugged
in New York City all the time, Robin.

366
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:52,696
But how often do you get to see
whatever's under that sheet?

367
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,858
- Mike, can we get a shot of that?
- We'll be right back.

368
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,027
- We're clear.
- What the hell are you doing?

369
00:18:57,103 --> 00:19:00,561
Okay, Robin, I wasn't really mugged
by a monkey, okay?

370
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,505
I just made up that story
so that Lily wouldn't buy a gun.

371
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,404
- So, you weren't mugged by a monkey?
- No, what are you talking about, baby?

372
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,638
Of course I was mugged by a monkey.

373
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,943
Great. Tell it to America.
We're back in five.

374
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:11,142
No. No. No. Not back in five.
I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

375
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,310
- Okay, that's it. I'm getting a gun.
- No, no. Don't get a gun.

376
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:16,219
- I was mugged by a monkey.
- Well, then, Bobo here is going away.

377
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,756
Wasn't. I wasn't mugged by a monkey.

378
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,724
Ted, do you have any idea
if Marshall was mugged by a monkey?

379
00:19:19,792 --> 00:19:21,623
- None whatsoever.
- Just tell me,

380
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,628
were you or were you not mugged
by Captain Bobo?

381
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,459
Yeah, baby,
just tell us what really happened.

382
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:26,897
Yeah, Marshall, just tell us the truth.

383
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,126
Come on, you promised.

384
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,498
(ALL CLAMORING)

385
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,068
OLDER TED: <i>And that's when</i>
<i>Marshall realized</i>

386
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:34,936
<i>there was only one thing he could say.</i>

387
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,339
All right.

388
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:38,570
Here's the truth.

389
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:40,301
I...

390
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:44,173
am going back to bed.

391
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,248
OLDER TED: <i>And that was it.</i>

392
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:49,379
<i>We never found out what really happened</i>
<i>to Uncle Marshall's wallet.</i>

393
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:52,720
<i>But we do know this.</i>
<i>Aunt Lily never got a gun.</i>

394
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,352
<i>Aunt Robin's credibility</i>
<i>remained unimpeached.</i>

395
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:59,194
<i>And Bobo and Milly lived out their days</i>
<i>together in the Central Park Zoo.</i>

396
00:19:59,265 --> 00:20:01,199
(SIGHING) Damn it.

397
00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:03,898
All right, Ted, mike up.

398
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:08,202
Miked up and made up.
Red leather, yellow leather.

399
00:20:08,274 --> 00:20:10,367
That wasn't very satisfying.

400
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:13,310
When I tell everyone at work this story,
I'm saying he was mugged by a monkey.

401
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:15,973
And I'm gonna keep the banana-on-a-string
thing. That was working.

402
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,017
Barney, enough with the lies.

403
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,483
You can't just tack on a new ending

404
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,486
because you're not satisfied
with how a story wraps up.

405
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,051
Oh, really?

406
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,853
Well, mark my words, Mosby.

407
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:30,191
Someday, you'll be telling this story,
and you'll see it my way.

408
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:31,886
Doubtful.

409
00:20:31,965 --> 00:20:34,058
OLDER TED: <i>And then, kids,</i>
<i>you'll never believe what happened.</i>

410
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,498
The monkey got loose.

411
00:20:36,970 --> 00:20:38,597
He's got one of my dolls!

412
00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:41,063
ZOOKEEPER: Bobo, come here, Bobo.

413
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,607
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

414
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,233
He's climbing the building.

415
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,778
- Bobo, come here.
- I'll get him.

416
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,649
Is this really happening?

417
00:20:57,724 --> 00:20:59,055
Sure is, Ted.

418
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:01,891
OLDER TED: <i>True story.</i>

419
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:32,980
ENGLISH - US - SDH