1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,733
OLDER TED: <i>Kids, your Aunt Robin</i>
<i>had only been dating Don a short while,</i>

2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:06,567
<i>when one evening, out of nowhere...</i>

3
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:07,766
- Robin?
- Hmm.

4
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:08,866
Do you wanna move in?

5
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:17,039
(STUTTERING) Well, it's kind of soon, but,
sure, I would consider moving in here.

6
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,052
Just let me think about it.

7
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,782
No, I meant do you wanna move in
on the couch so I could sit down?

8
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,585
Yeah. That's what I meant, too.

9
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,388
Like I said, just let me think about it.

10
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:28,928
- Okay.
- Okay.

11
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,857
- Yeah. I'm okay with that.
- Okay.

12
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,062
But now that you mentioned it,

13
00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:41,501
do you wanna move in?

14
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,909
So, what did you say?

15
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,736
- I'm considering it.
- You're considering it?

16
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,645
- Yeah.
- You barely know him.

17
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,148
Plus, the guy's a loser with a dead-end job.

18
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,913
We have the same job, Barney.

19
00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:55,717
- And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel.
- Ugh.

20
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,517
Well, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.

21
00:00:58,592 --> 00:00:59,786
- Yeah.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.

22
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,293
Well, I think you should move in with him.

23
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,624
- You do?
- Yeah.

24
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,789
Yeah. I mean, I see how happy you are.

25
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:06,432
And as much as I love you as a roommate,

26
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,094
- I want you to do what's right for you.
- Oh!

27
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,864
Are you trying to kick me out
because of the milk thing?

28
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,167
It's really annoying.

29
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,136
(SHOUTING) Robin!

30
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:27,160
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

31
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:33,789
No. I have a system.

32
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:37,557
I put the empty carton back in the fridge
to remind us to buy milk.

33
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:41,328
Okay, why don't you leave a full carton
to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

34
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:43,370
All right, all right.

35
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:46,496
As your ex, before you jump into anything,

36
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:47,768
I need to meet this guy.

37
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,034
I think it's kind of weird
that I haven't met him yet.

38
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,907
Totally weird. It's almost like someone

39
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:54,413
carefully orchestrated it that way
on purpose.

40
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:59,617
Fine. But you have to promise
to be on your best behavior.

41
00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:01,211
I promise.

42
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,813
So, I'm banging
this Portuguese contortionist

43
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,382
and I swear, she is so flexible,

44
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,395
at one point she was on top of me
and underneath me.

45
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,794
Up top and down low!

46
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,160
One and two, bang!

47
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,128
- Who needs? Who needs? Who needs?
- I'm good. I'm good.

48
00:02:16,203 --> 00:02:17,864
And that would be Barney.

49
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,303
He means well.

50
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:20,840
Well, actually, I'm not sure that's true.

51
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,398
I think he's awesome.

52
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,876
But I feel bad for any woman
with the kind of low self-esteem

53
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:26,708
who would actually date a guy like that.

54
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:28,739
OLDER TED: <i>And that's when I realized</i>

55
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,410
<i>Robin never told Don</i>
<i>she had dated Barney.</i>

56
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,416
I like you, Don.

57
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,079
We both love a good Scotch.

58
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,316
- We both enjoy my compelling stories.
- Yeah.

59
00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,255
And we both dated Robin.

60
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:40,985
OLDER TED: <i>Now he knew.</i>

61
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,245
So, Barney's your ex
and you still hang out with him?

62
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:01,906
I got to say
I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

63
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:04,746
Oh, look, don't be. It's like we never dated.

64
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:07,914
Long story short,
this exchange student's arms gave out,

65
00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:09,979
and we both fell, ass over sex swing.

66
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,516
Seriously,
I have not been able to find a girl

67
00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,288
who can do that position since Robin.

68
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,429
Hey, Lily! Marshall!

69
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:20,126
How was your weekend away,
or any other topic?

70
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,292
- Awful.
- Terrible.

71
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:26,061
Twin beds?
We can't sleep in separate beds.

72
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,765
We should go complain.

73
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:31,171
Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna march
down there and demand another room.

74
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:35,179
Yeah, I'll go with you in just a sec.

75
00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,408
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

76
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:39,577
MAID: Housekeeping.

77
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,323
Could you come back later?
We're taking a little catnap.

78
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:46,288
MAID: It's time to check out.

79
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,560
We slept for 18 hours.

80
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,725
- We missed four pre-paid meals.
- I lost 11 pounds.

81
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,537
Hey, Ted, do you think it's weird
that Robin is still friends with Barney?

82
00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,572
I think it's weird
that we're all still friends with Barney.

83
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,397
I just don't know how I feel
about her hanging out

84
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,033
with one of her exes all the time.

85
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,012
OLDER TED: <i>And that's when I realized</i>
<i>Robin had failed to tell Don</i>

86
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,514
<i>about another one of her exes, me.</i>

87
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:13,947
No, hanging out with one ex is fine.
Even two, I'd give a pass.

88
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:17,115
Hell, two might be even better than one,

89
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:18,749
for some reason.

90
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,054
Yeah, but if you were dating someone

91
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,560
and he hung out with one of his exes
all the time...

92
00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,596
Oh, wait, I'm sorry. "He"?

93
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,154
Yeah, and he was friends
with one of his exes...

94
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,928
Wait, wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, hold on.

95
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,025
Do you think I'm gay?

96
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,535
Well, yeah.

97
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:34,006
Why would you assume that?

98
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:38,101
- Hey.
- Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called.

99
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:40,408
- And? And?
- Your ink is in.

100
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,470
Yes!

101
00:04:43,650 --> 00:04:46,949
Hey, guys, I just wanna make sure
<i>Project Runway</i> is recording.

102
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,155
Did the Jets get new costumes?

103
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:54,886
Well, I guess we won't be having
crème brûlée tonight.

104
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,453
My browning torch is broken.

105
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,796
You know, when I heard your roommate
was a single guy,

106
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:05,100
I was a little jealous.
But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.

107
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:06,537
Oh, Ted's not...

108
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:10,065
But we still got homemade lady fingers
and piping hot Darjeeling.

109
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,203
Awesome. Thank you.

110
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,908
Ted's not what?

111
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,778
Ted's not gonna be around a lot.

112
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,010
He's following Cher on tour.

113
00:05:19,586 --> 00:05:22,612
Okay, don't get me wrong,
Cher puts on a hell of a show.

114
00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,088
But I am not gay.

115
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:26,191
Hey, Lily, be honest.

116
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:29,093
Is it weird that Robin hangs out
with one of her exes all the time?

117
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:32,132
Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago.
It's a non-issue.

118
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,597
Ted and Robin?

119
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,329
Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?

120
00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:38,337
- Appletini for the gentleman.
- Thank you.

121
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:41,601
You dated Ted, too?

122
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,870
Robin, of the four people you consider
your best friends in New York,

123
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,536
you've slept with 50% of them.

124
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:48,877
- Don, they're just my friends.
- Yeah, but they're also your exes.

125
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,741
And you live with one of them.

126
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,282
Look, I'm sorry, I got to...
I got to think about all this.

127
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,358
- LILY: (SIGHING) Mmm.
- Mmm.

128
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:04,552
MARSHALL: <i>My God,</i>
<i>she's a thousand degrees!</i>

129
00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:06,724
<i>It's like putting my leg against a tailpipe.</i>

130
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:13,534
LILY: <i>Ow!</i>
<i>His toenails are like daggers.</i>

131
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,543
MARSHALL: <i>I'd love a sandwich,</i>

132
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,614
<i>but no eating in bed.</i>

133
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:23,377
<i>Stupid rule.</i>

134
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:24,917
<i>We have ants one time.</i>

135
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,388
LILY: <i>Great, and now he's falling asleep.</i>

136
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:33,357
<i>Cue the river of drool.</i>

137
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,355
(GRUNTS)

138
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,529
MARSHALL: <i>My knee itches.</i>

139
00:06:39,333 --> 00:06:41,858
<i>Just one little scratch.</i>

140
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:46,832
Marshall!

141
00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,571
I think we should get separate beds.

142
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:53,772
Yes! A mini fridge and separate beds.

143
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:54,973
Deal!

144
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,043
- Don.
- Hi.

145
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,713
I came to apologize to all of you.
I overreacted.

146
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,086
Well, we owe you an apology, too, Don.

147
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:07,251
- We said some pretty hurtful things.
- No, you didn't.

148
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,261
Right, right, that was after you left.

149
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,724
I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth
in the first place.

150
00:07:12,799 --> 00:07:14,562
No, I acted like a total drama queen.

151
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:15,795
That's not offensive, right?

152
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,734
- Still not gay.
- Sorry.

153
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:20,705
So, look, the point is you both
are clearly very important to Robin.

154
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,072
So, why don't we all
have dinner tomorrow night at my place?

155
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:24,199
Oh, that's great.

156
00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:27,009
Looking forward to it, buddy.

157
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,342
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

158
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:30,338
- DON: You want to go?
- Yeah.

159
00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:31,441
- See you guys.
- Bye.

160
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:32,746
Bye.

161
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,153
- Ted?
- Yeah?

162
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:38,524
I must have Robin back.

163
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,831
- You're kidding, right?
- No.

164
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:49,130
I don't know what it is,
but I want Robin back.

165
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,430
I know what it is.

166
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:53,439
You're like a little kid
who throws a toy away

167
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,872
and then wants it back the second
another kid starts playing with it.

168
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,934
Well, maybe I wasn't done playing with it.

169
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,069
Maybe I just set it down

170
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,740
'cause I wanted to play with
some other stuff for a second!

171
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:02,804
Okay.

172
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:04,748
You're ready.

173
00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:06,148
Ready for what?

174
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:07,914
To read the letter.

175
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,587
OLDER TED: <i>Kids,</i>
<i>the letter was a device I'd invented</i>

176
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,421
<i>to remind myself</i>
<i>why I'd broken up with somebody.</i>

177
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:14,755
<i>I'd been doing it for years.</i>

178
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:21,331
<i>"Dear Future Ted, never get back with</i>
<i>Karen because she's a pretentious snob.</i>

179
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,869
<i>"Oh, also, she cheated on you.</i>

180
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:26,303
<i>"I'm sorry you had to find out this way.</i>

181
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:27,797
(CHUCKLES)

182
00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:30,707
<i>"See, we're already laughing about it."</i>

183
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:34,944
<i>"Dear Future Ted, stay away from Natalie,</i>

184
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,607
<i>"or any girl who can pin you to the ground</i>

185
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,618
<i>"and beat you senseless</i>
<i>in front of a cheering crowd.</i>

186
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:44,947
<i>"P.S. Please consult a therapist</i>
<i>about why that turned you on a little bit."</i>

187
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:50,086
<i>"Dear Relationship Genius,</i>

188
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,757
<i>"Stella left you at the altar.</i>

189
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:57,235
<i>"You may never love again</i>
<i>and will probably die alone."</i>

190
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:00,895
Huh!

191
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,471
It doesn't look so sad
written in calligraphy.

192
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,672
OLDER TED: <i>So, when Barney and Robin</i>
<i>broke up the previous fall...</i>

193
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,773
Dating Robin was a huge mistake.

194
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,612
- Write that down.
- What?

195
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,243
Write yourself a letter.

196
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,187
That way, when you miss Robin,
and you will,

197
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,019
you can remind yourself why you broke up.

198
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,216
Gladly.

199
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:23,758
- "Dear Future Barney..."
- Ooh!

200
00:09:24,631 --> 00:09:27,361
- This ink is cool.
- Right? Right?

201
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,368
"You and Robin..."

202
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,899
"Were a terrible couple.

203
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:35,770
"It just didn't work.
Sure, you'll always love Robin,

204
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,469
"but remember other women?

205
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,513
"More importantly,
remember other boobs?

206
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,712
"And all the
cool stuff you can do with boobs?

207
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:47,884
"Nuzzle, juggle, honka-honka.

208
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,613
"I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic."

209
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,558
Then there's just
a bunch of drawings of boobs.

210
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,421
- You get it now?
- Yeah, I get it.

211
00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:02,098
I definitely want her back.

212
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:03,958
(SIGHS)

213
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,469
I don't think human beings were
ever meant to sleep in the same bed.

214
00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,805
Somehow sex and sleep
got all jumbled together,

215
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,002
but they're two different things.

216
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:14,343
I know. I mean, I love you,
but I want this new bed

217
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,577
to be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.

218
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,848
Me, too.
And some light snacking, but that's it.

219
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,646
Hey, you know what we should get?

220
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,918
We should get a third bed just for sex.

221
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:30,019
Yes! A sex bed! A dirty, dirty sex bed!

222
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:32,998
It's genius. That way each bed
would have a specific purpose.

223
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:34,226
Exactly.

224
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,769
We'll have two sleep beds, a sex bed,

225
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:40,295
and I'm thinking a bean bag chair,
just for special birthday stuff.

226
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:43,304
Baby, did we just revolutionize
modern marriage?

227
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,468
Damn straight!

228
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:48,737
(CLICKING TONGUE)

229
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,214
- Hey!
- Hey!

230
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,649
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Don.

231
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:53,981
I hope you like sushi.

232
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:58,184
How cool is it that Don makes sushi?
He learned while on assignment in Japan.

233
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:00,819
Ringworm-ilicious.

234
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:04,057
Barney, be nice. You only want her
'cause you can't have her.

235
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,828
It's like if I said you can sit anywhere
in this room except that chair.

236
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:08,925
Are you so petty that...

237
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,196
My chair! My chair!

238
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:14,164
Oh, spicy tuna with jalapeno! My favorite!

239
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,139
Mine, too. I love spicy food.
The hotter the better.

240
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,006
I love spicy stuff, too, guy.

241
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:19,238
Probably more than you do.

242
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:22,214
- Check it.
- Don't...

243
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:24,882
Super mild.

244
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,013
I'm not feeling it.

245
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,453
Hey, Lily, you won't believe it,
it's the craziest thing.

246
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:34,153
Don has twin beds, too.

247
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,286
Oh, my God! We just got twin beds.

248
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,887
Oh, Oh. Great, great.

249
00:11:38,965 --> 00:11:41,456
Well, wait, that "great"
didn't sound so great.

250
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,502
Well, my ex-wife and I
thought they'd be a good idea,

251
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,367
but we just started to drift apart. So...

252
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,766
Yeah, but I bet you didn't have
another bed just for sex.

253
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:52,903
No, but she did
at her personal trainer's house.

254
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,311
This chili is like an ice cube in my mouth.

255
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:57,742
I will say this, though.

256
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:00,286
I'm gonna get a king-size bed
if Robin decides to move in.

257
00:12:00,654 --> 00:12:02,679
Oh, I'd like that.

258
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,554
- lf I move in.
- lf you move in.

259
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,051
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don,

260
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,255
you ever do this back in Japan?

261
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,388
- Wasabi!
- I wouldn't, Barney, no.

262
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:12,897
Hey. Oh, my God, Barney?

263
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:13,955
(EX CLAIMS)

264
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,194
- Awesome!
- Give him some milk!

265
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,567
Spit it out, Barney! Spit it out!

266
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:20,730
Oh, we're out of milk.

267
00:12:20,807 --> 00:12:22,536
But thanks for the reminder, Robin.

268
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:23,906
(EX CLAIMING)

269
00:12:25,045 --> 00:12:26,034
ROBIN: Oh, sweet.

270
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,342
Well, I hope you're happy.

271
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,383
Hey, I stand by what I did.

272
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:32,748
It was bold and romantic.

273
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,287
You soiled yourself
from both ends of your body.

274
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:39,822
Oh, come on! You have done
tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.

275
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:43,021
Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore,
'cause I'm over her.

276
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,587
- Just like you are.
- You are not over her.

277
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,360
You want her back just as much as I do.

278
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,628
You just won't let yourself go there.

279
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:52,229
That is ridiculous. And I'll tell you why.

280
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:56,304
"For my biographer"?

281
00:12:56,409 --> 00:13:00,140
Just... Just focus on the letter, okay?

282
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,882
"Dear Ted, Robin is the perfect girl for you.

283
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:06,042
"But she doesn't wanna be
in a serious relationship.

284
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,087
"You need someone
who wants to settle down,

285
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:11,555
"so until Robin's ready for that next step,
she's not your girl.

286
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,927
"Still, I'll always remember stealing her
the blue French horn,

287
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,529
"our first kiss,

288
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:23,831
"the look in her eye
when she told me she loved me."

289
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:27,499
Damn it.

290
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,132
Now I want her back.

291
00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:37,240
OLDER TED: <i>So, that night,</i>
<i>your Uncle Barney and I sat down</i>

292
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:41,117
<i>to have a calm, rational discussion,</i>
<i>about who deserved Robin more.</i>

293
00:13:41,187 --> 00:13:43,655
- No!
- I stole her a blue French horn!

294
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:45,054
I dated her for a year!

295
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,355
I wanted her to be
the mother of my children

296
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,985
and spend eternity in her arms.

297
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:54,022
See, I wanna have sex with her
at least one more time!

298
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,225
She is mine!

299
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:58,565
She's not yours!
And she's not mine, either.

300
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:01,607
- She's Don's.
- You're right.

301
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,940
- We got to get rid of that guy.
- Yeah.

302
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,209
- Yeah.
- You know, figuratively.

303
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:09,772
Of course.

304
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,908
Or literally.

305
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,012
Oh, my God, Ted, this is how it starts!

306
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:20,490
This is how it starts!
I'm scared, Teddy, I'm scared, Teddy!

307
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,085
(SHUSHING) Two guys talking.
Just two guys talking.

308
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,221
Okay. Okay.

309
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,589
Marshall, I'm worried.

310
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,132
I don't wanna get divorced.

311
00:14:30,236 --> 00:14:31,828
Oh, baby.

312
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:36,641
Honey, that's Don. That's not us.

313
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,576
Our new sleeping arrangement
is only gonna bring us closer together.

314
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:42,237
Now get out of my bed.

315
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:45,514
Can we at least push them together?

316
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:46,844
Sure.

317
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:50,084
Oh, you meant the beds.
No, I don't wanna do that.

318
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:51,145
Why not?

319
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,954
Baby, I love you more than life itself.

320
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,721
But you're a million degrees.

321
00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:58,798
Honestly, I'm surprised
your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.

322
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,066
Well, you're no picnic in bed, either.

323
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,829
Oh, except for the food and the ants.

324
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,871
But, well, I still wanna be next to you.

325
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:08,702
Why? So you can kick me and slap me
all night?

326
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:12,274
I swear to God, the second you fall asleep,
it's like you grow extra limbs.

327
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,677
It's like spooning
with a Hindu deity, Ganesh!

328
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:20,511
Wanna push them together?

329
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,713
You still talking about the beds?

330
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,618
- Nope.
- Get over here.

331
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:26,718
- Robin Stinson!
- Robin Mosby!

332
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:27,919
Robin Stinson!

333
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:31,122
Ted Scherbatsky!
I'll take her name. I don't care.

334
00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:33,563
Okay. Wait.
How about this? How about this?

335
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,225
We share her.

336
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:37,496
I'll take her until she's 40,

337
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,037
and then you can have her after that.

338
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:43,075
Okay, who are we kidding?
She's with Don now.

339
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,668
We just have to accept that, and move on.

340
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:46,905
You're right.

341
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,381
I'm gonna go to the...
I'm gonna go to the bathroom,

342
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,451
and then I'll skedaddle.

343
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:54,675
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

344
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,448
Hello?

345
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:02,094
Hey, Robin, it's Barn Door.
Guess what? I'm open.

346
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,186
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

347
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,595
Hey, Barn Door, hang on.
I'm getting another call.

348
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:07,623
Hello?

349
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,158
Hey, Robin, it's Teddy Bear.
Need a little honey?

350
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:12,226
(GROWLING)

351
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,603
- No. Ted, hang on.
- Okay.

352
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,610
Hey, Barney, I'm gonna have to
call you back.

353
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,909
Ted's on the other line,
and I think he's in trouble.

354
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,745
Ted's calling you? He's in trouble, all right!

355
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:27,777
Ted, what's up?

356
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,482
You have pretty hair. That's what's up.

357
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,524
And down your back.

358
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,752
(GROWLING SUGGESTIVELY)

359
00:16:34,861 --> 00:16:36,055
(SCREAMING)

360
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:42,564
Wow.
We almost let that get out of control.

361
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,159
Agreed.

362
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,434
I'm gonna get out of here
before we do something we regret.

363
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,839
Robin! Robin, I love you!

364
00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:53,435
- You son of a bitch!
- Robin!

365
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,107
Robin, I brought you the blue French horn!

366
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:59,242
I brought you the blue French horn!
Robin, Ted's just holding it for me.

367
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:00,684
Sorry, buddy, all's fair.

368
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,923
Oh, God. Guys, what are you doing?

369
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,084
Robin, I wanna win you back!

370
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,788
Hey, guys. Why don't you come upstairs?

371
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:13,054
Right.

372
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,831
All right, Don!

373
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:19,163
Let's settle this. You, me and Ted!

374
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:20,934
Yeah! A three-way.

375
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,510
Look, guys, Robin and I
have to go do our show,

376
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:27,045
so why don't you have a seat
on the couch, watch some television,

377
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:29,308
and we'll talk about this
when we get back, okay?

378
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:32,952
Wow, you give up easy. Game, set, match.

379
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:35,713
Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

380
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:39,250
Where's...

381
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,987
Where's this TV
you've been bragging about?

382
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,358
It's right here.

383
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,265
(BOTH SIGH)

384
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,635
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

385
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:54,231
- Good night, boys.
- Good night.

386
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,172
Night, night, Papa.

387
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,374
- That was nice.
- Yeah.

388
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:06,811
- Well, she gots to go.
- What?

389
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:10,649
Oh, I'm sorry. That was a blast.
And you're great.

390
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:13,157
But I have to be up early, so...

391
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,248
(CLICKING TONGUE)

392
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,223
Well, you're just kicking me out?

393
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,155
You knew what this was.

394
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,272
Lily, Lily, wait.

395
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,044
Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try.

396
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,979
Teddy Bear! Barn Door!

397
00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:40,019
- Papa?
- Rise and shine, jackasses!

398
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,411
So, do you guys remember
anything from last night?

399
00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:45,218
Yeah.

400
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:48,556
Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing.

401
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:53,456
I'm really sorry. We both are.

402
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,891
We were drunk and stupid.

403
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,230
But we're gonna do anything we can

404
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,899
to make sure that Don feels
a part of the group.

405
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,870
Don's not gonna be a part of the group.

406
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,276
And neither am I.

407
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,039
At least for a while.

408
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,710
Guys, this thing with Don is real.

409
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,845
And I wanna see where it goes.

410
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:18,413
And I'll never be able to do that
if I keep hanging out

411
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,686
with my ex-boyfriends all the time.

412
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:22,055
It just won't work.

413
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,028
I'm moving in with Don.

414
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:44,076
(SINGING)
<i>It should be boredom by now</i>

415
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:49,717
<i>I know the tricks</i>

416
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,888
So, what's going on with Robin?

417
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,722
You were right. She was just mad.

418
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,921
It's been four days, she hasn't said
another word about moving out.

419
00:19:56,996 --> 00:20:00,762
But listen, we can never
pull crap like that ever again.

420
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:05,497
Agreed. In fact, I even wrote myself
another letter.

421
00:20:05,571 --> 00:20:10,804
"Dear Future Barney, you think you want
Robin back again, but you really don't.

422
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:14,402
"Let her go. Sincerely, Past Barney."

423
00:20:15,581 --> 00:20:16,912
- Let me see that.
- Hey, hey, give it to me.

424
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:20,316
All right, all right,
"P.S. That top part was just for Ted.

425
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,580
"Did he buy it? Good.

426
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:23,782
"Now get back together with Robin.

427
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:26,586
"But don't mention your plan to Ted,
'cause he'll just screw it up again."

428
00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,359
And then there's more drawings of boobs.

429
00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:32,990
Okay, okay. In my defense,

430
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,124
how great are boobs?

431
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,431
- They're pretty great. They're pretty great.
- So?

432
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,766
(EX CLAIMS)

433
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:47,643
(SHOUTING) Robin!

434
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:53,910
<i>Just like a heavy drinker</i>

435
00:20:54,987 --> 00:21:00,118
<i>I go for it every time</i>

436
00:21:00,193 --> 00:21:04,857
<i>Hook, line and sinker</i>

437
00:21:34,827 --> 00:21:35,816
ENGLISH - US - SDH