1
00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:02,557
(ALL CHATTERING)
2
00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:04,627
Guess what I've got behind my back.
3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,367
Oh, wait, wait, wait. I got this one, left.
4
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,534
Wrong game. But correct.
5
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:13,740
Five front row tickets to
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,374
- Robots vs. Wrestlers?
- That is awesome!
7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,645
- You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers?
- Never!
8
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:22,621
But we assume it's some sort of sporting
event that pits robots against wrestlers.
9
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:25,317
That's exactly what it is,
according to the Web site!
10
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:26,484
(MARSHALL CHEERING)
11
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:31,288
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's the fifth ticket for?
12
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:36,000
Uh, Robin. I know,
she moved in with her boyfriend,
13
00:00:36,069 --> 00:00:37,969
and said she doesn't wanna hang out
with us anymore.
14
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,871
But this is Robots vs. Wrestlers.
15
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,206
Robots vs. Wrestlers!
16
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:47,406
Barney is right.
It's impossible to say no to that.
17
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,038
No to that.
18
00:00:49,116 --> 00:00:51,209
I wish I could,
but I have plans with Don on Saturday.
19
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:54,118
- He's making me Chinese.
- I'll assume you're talking about food.
20
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,656
Otherwise, I have
some follow-up questions.
21
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,950
I'm sorry, Lily, but I gotta give
this thing with Don a chance.
22
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:03,190
And I can't do that if I'm out drinking
with you guys every single night,
23
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,891
especially when "you guys"
includes two of my ex-boyfriends.
24
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,991
I understand. You're right.
25
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:10,632
It's just we all really miss you.
26
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:15,466
Oh, I miss you, too. Listen, I gotta go.
Talk soon. Okay. Bye.
27
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:19,811
Sorry, New York. I had to take that.
Now, where were we?
28
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,881
Yeah, yes, bus crash.
29
00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:26,478
She said no? How could she say no?
30
00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:30,045
Robots vs. Wrestlers is our
most important tradition as a group!
31
00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:32,523
Tradition? We've never done this before.
32
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,959
It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily.
33
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,189
How is that not gonna be a tradition?
34
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,698
Well, this is how it starts.
35
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:43,666
First Robin moves in with Don,
then Marshall and Lily have a baby,
36
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,637
- then Ted...
- Gets married.
37
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:49,467
I was gonna say was found alone in
his apartment, devoured by his cats,
38
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,477
but either way, not pretty.
39
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:54,379
Everyone's leaving me and I don't like it!
40
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,611
Oh, Barney, you don't have to worry
about Marshall and me having kids.
41
00:01:57,684 --> 00:01:59,447
That's a long way down the road.
42
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,455
Exactly. It's down the road,
a medium way.
43
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,580
A medium long way.
44
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:08,287
- I mean, you can see it ahead.
- In the vast, vast distance.
45
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,091
But you're already seeing exit signs for it.
46
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:13,599
- Really? I didn't see any.
- You might wanna get in the right lane.
47
00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:17,593
I understand how you feel, Barney.
Friendships are important.
48
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:22,335
In fact, Emerson wrote
a great poem entitled Friendship.
49
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,199
You guys are gonna love this.
50
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:27,770
"A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs"
51
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,179
(BARNEY MAKES FARTING NOISE)
52
00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:30,273
(BOTH LAUGHING)
53
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,375
OLDER TED: That's how it had
always been for me with the gang.
54
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:34,784
Any time I tried to get
a little high-minded...
55
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,680
You guys, you gotta try this Syrah.
56
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:41,592
Hints of crème de cassis,
red berries, toasty oak...
57
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:42,959
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
58
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:44,258
(ALL LAUGHING)
59
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,257
Hmm.
60
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:50,003
Five letters, blank baritone.
61
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:54,972
Of course. "Lyric" baritone, which is
actually higher than a dramatic baritone.
62
00:02:55,275 --> 00:02:57,675
You know, there's a telling moment
in the second act of La Bohème...
63
00:02:57,744 --> 00:02:58,904
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
64
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,241
(MARSHALL LAUGHING)
65
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:04,105
Guys, come on. I'm just trying to
add a little class to these proceedings.
66
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,118
It's like that line from Dante's Inferno.
67
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,483
- (MAKES FARTING NOISE)
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
68
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:11,046
"Consider your origins.
You were not born to live like brutes.
69
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,250
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
70
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:15,057
"But to follow virtue and knowledge."
71
00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,356
(MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE)
72
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,422
Or, in the original Italian...
73
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:20,659
(ALL GROANING)
74
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,895
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
75
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,631
(ALL MAKING FARTING NOISES)
76
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:43,555
You guys are right. I'm totally
overreacting to this whole Robin thing.
77
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,319
What's this envelope?
Is this a wedding invitation?
78
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,485
Robin's marrying Don!
I'm gonna die alone!
79
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,324
Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!
80
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,297
Dude, relax. It's for Marissa Heller.
81
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:54,834
Marissa Heller? She sounds hot.
82
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,801
Face, boobs, describe. Start with boobs.
83
00:03:57,571 --> 00:03:59,061
OLDER TED: Who was Marissa Heller?
84
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,632
That mystery began when
Marshall and I first moved in together.
85
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:05,810
Ted, we got our first mail delivery!
86
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,642
We are popular.
87
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:11,980
We've got a golf magazine
for Marissa Heller.
88
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:15,283
We got a wicker furniture catalog,
also for Marissa Heller.
89
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:20,783
And a coupon for a bird store
addressed to Marissa Heller,
90
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,726
or, stay with me,
91
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:26,027
"current occupant." That's us!
We've got mail!
92
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:27,566
Fantastic!
93
00:04:27,634 --> 00:04:30,762
Marissa Heller? She must be
the woman who lived here before us.
94
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:33,103
I wonder what she was like.
95
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:37,171
OLDER TED: And just like that,
a picture began to take shape.
96
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,268
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
97
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:41,439
A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer.
98
00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:46,410
Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper.
99
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,712
And Marissa Heller, the bird owner.
100
00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,827
And since then,
with each piece of mail we've gotten,
101
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,624
the picture's become a little clearer.
102
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,223
The only thing we don't know is
what she looks like.
103
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,191
Well, I guess I'll forward this along like
I've been forwarding along
104
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,260
- all the other... Okay.
- Oh, just open it.
105
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:11,269
It's an invitation to Jefferson Van Smoot's
Annual Spring Social this Saturday night,
106
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,175
in the penthouse apartment of the Alberta!
107
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:15,976
You guys, that's the most
beautiful building in Manhattan.
108
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,482
We gotta go to this party.
109
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:19,610
That depends.
Does it say anything on that invitation
110
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:23,053
about robots battling wrestlers
for intergalactic supremacy?
111
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:26,615
- No. But it says open bar.
- Revised agenda for Saturday night.
112
00:05:26,693 --> 00:05:30,720
Free booze at Marissa Heller's party,
then Robots vs. Wrestlers.
113
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,297
One of us just needs to pretend
to be Marissa Heller.
114
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,932
(LAUGHS) Oh, guys, I'm flattered.
But I think Lily should do it.
115
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,372
OLDER TED: So the big night arrived.
116
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:46,810
Our first stop, the Alberta building.
117
00:05:47,414 --> 00:05:50,076
Wow! This building is amazing!
118
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,846
Did you guys see the porte cochere
and the terracotta spandrels outside?
119
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,114
Oh, my God!
Look, I just got a text from Robin.
120
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,382
It says...
121
00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:57,684
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
122
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,424
Okay, guys, huddle up.
123
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,484
Now, Lil, you can do this.
124
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:03,995
All you have to do is look
that guy in the eyes,
125
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,396
say your name is Marissa Heller,
and we are golden.
126
00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,991
And again, just so we're clear, no accent.
127
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,230
Are we sure she's not British, innit?
128
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,597
- ALL: No!
- No!
129
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,970
All right. Here I go. I'm doing this.
130
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:17,503
- Hi.
- Hello.
131
00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,408
Sorry. Go ahead.
132
00:06:19,479 --> 00:06:23,210
I'm here for the Van Smoot party.
My name is Marissa Heller.
133
00:06:25,585 --> 00:06:26,813
Bollocks.
134
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:35,160
So that's Marissa Heller, huh.
135
00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:36,985
She fine.
136
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,892
Her teeth look really nice.
137
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,331
She must be remembering
to go to the dentist
138
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,335
even without those reminder postcards.
139
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,166
So, what are we doing?
140
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,729
I'm getting us into the party, that's what.
141
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,633
Marissa Heller! Barney Stinson.
142
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:55,306
We met at that gathering for bird owners.
143
00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,815
I don't think so.
144
00:06:56,883 --> 00:06:58,748
- Wicker lovers?
- No.
145
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,343
Stinson out.
146
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,514
- Guys, it's not gonna happen.
- I got this.
147
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,654
You know, this elevator still uses
the same mechanism
148
00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:11,561
from when it was first installed in 1906.
149
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:15,226
Rumor is, Louis Lamar Skullnick,
the architect who designed this building,
150
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,701
carved these panels himself.
151
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,931
- Oh! A Skullnick fan?
- Well...
152
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:22,202
I love his juxtaposition between
the North German Renaissance exterior...
153
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,676
And the decidedly French influence
on the inside. I know!
154
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:29,044
He was an architect
with the soul of a poet, really.
155
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,376
No, no, no, don't, don't. It's working.
156
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,818
You know, I have a confession to make.
We're not on the guest list.
157
00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:37,788
But I've always wanted to see
the inside of the Alberta.
158
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:38,916
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
159
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:42,420
Well, then, right this way.
We're all together.
160
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,132
Told you I'd get us in.
161
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,760
So, anyone been watching
The Young and the Restless?
162
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:58,739
(GASPS) Awesome!
Who ordered Soap Opera Illustrated?
163
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:02,643
Huh. Marissa Heller, I like your style.
164
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,307
Anyone?
165
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:14,087
Am I to understand that there isn't a single
soap opera fan in this entire elevator?
166
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,149
Hmm?
167
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:19,356
I don't own a TV.
The only operas I watch are at the MET.
168
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,098
Dibs.
169
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:29,999
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
170
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:33,239
Oh! Excuse me. Jefferson, darling!
171
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,250
Wow, I am not dressed for this.
172
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,319
One word, made up. Douche-pocalypse.
173
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:49,190
Guys, that's Peter Bogdanovich
talking to Arianna Huffington
174
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:52,288
and Will Shortz,
editor of the New York Times crossword!
175
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,959
Look, let's give this party a chance, okay.
There's free food, free booze.
176
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,469
Twenty minutes, then we can leave.
177
00:08:57,837 --> 00:08:59,964
But you see, music was changing,
178
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,477
and Giovanni Artusi simply didn't
understand the new style of composing.
179
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,340
Excuse me.
180
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,211
Are you talking about Monteverdi
and his fourth book of madrigals?
181
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,375
My dear chap, what else?
182
00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:14,113
That's my favorite book of madrigals!
183
00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:19,558
Smoked foie gras with caramelized mango
and crème fraîche?
184
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,862
Hey, hey, guy. You have anything
in the mini-cheeseburger department?
185
00:09:23,930 --> 00:09:25,727
I don't think so, sir.
186
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:28,930
No. Mini-pizzas? Little cups of fries?
187
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,232
Any food at all
that'll make me feel like a giant?
188
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,172
I'll check, sir.
189
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,876
He's not gonna check.
190
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:42,444
I'm performing open heart surgery
on the Dutch ambassador in the morning.
191
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,107
I hope he pulls through.
192
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:48,780
Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed
Coumadin to the Dutch ambassador.
193
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:51,255
And there's no way
she'd be on anticoagulants
194
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,417
if she were about to undergo surgery.
195
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:57,555
Just... Okay.
196
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,400
You know who published
a great article on Walt Whitman
197
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:04,733
and the politics of semantics?
Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.
198
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:06,965
I am Professor Hammersmith.
199
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,001
What?
200
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,468
Which is exactly
what Truffaut was talking about
201
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:14,206
in his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinéma.
202
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:17,950
Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.
203
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,451
(LAUGHING)
204
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:22,211
Movies. Right?
205
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,653
Actors.
206
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,723
Willem Dafoe.
207
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:29,625
Funny thing about Willem Dafoe.
208
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:34,823
His name kind of sounds like a frog
talking to a parrot.
209
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,702
Willem. Dafoe!
210
00:10:39,205 --> 00:10:41,400
Willem. Dafoe!
211
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:44,600
No?
212
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:50,411
As Under Secretary of the Treasury,
I had a big hand in crafting that legislation.
213
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:54,075
Now, I wonder if you'd like to join me
in the map room,
214
00:10:54,220 --> 00:10:56,984
and give my package some stimulus.
215
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:01,425
I'm afraid, my darling,
you're too old for my taste.
216
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:08,065
Hey, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still looking pretty
hot, but otherwise, this party sucks.
217
00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,967
Yeah, well, we gave it a chance.
It's been 20 minutes.
218
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:13,198
- Let's get out of here. Where's Ted?
- Yeah.
219
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,572
I know how to find him.
Just give me one minute.
220
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:19,937
(CLEARING THROAT)
221
00:11:23,983 --> 00:11:26,884
Gongs, right?
They're louder than you think.
222
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:31,584
Young man,
that gong is a 500-year-old relic
223
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:35,321
that hasn't been struck
since W.S. Gilbert hit it
224
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,956
at the London premiere
of The Mikado in 1885.
225
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,425
Ooh.
226
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:45,001
His wife's a 500-year-old relic that
hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it
227
00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,232
at the London premiere
of The Mikado in 1885.
228
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:51,203
Guys, guys, guys, guys, Will Shortz!
Editor of the Times crossword!
229
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:54,041
You know how I've been saying,
"They always use Ulee from Ulee's Gold
230
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:56,275
"because of the vowels"?
Well, tell them, Will, tell them.
231
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:57,976
- Because of the vowels.
- It's because of the vowels!
232
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,485
Wow. Ted, can I talk to you
just for a second?
233
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,784
Hey, Will. Ten-letter word for
diminutive egg-based torte?
234
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,325
- Mini-quiche? Where?
- Right there.
235
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,284
Such a great party! Such a great party!
236
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:12,559
Yeah, totally. Ted, it's time to go.
It's Robots vs. Wrestlers o'clock!
237
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:13,656
Oh.
238
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:14,927
Ted? There you are.
239
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:17,799
We'll be blind taste testing French whites
in a bit.
240
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,805
It should be a hoot and a half.
241
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,966
Well, I decant miss that.
242
00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:24,099
(BOTH LAUGHING)
243
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,806
I know, you don't have to say it.
You don't decant white wine.
244
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,011
Miss Lily, in the living room,
with the candlestick.
245
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:36,488
JEFFERSON: Oh, my heavens, no!
That was Edgar Allan Poe's!
246
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:37,921
Sorry.
247
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:40,918
Guys, listen. I'm having fun here,
248
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:43,758
so I think I'm gonna skip
Robots vs. Wrestlers.
249
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,058
(GASPING)
250
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:48,328
But, Ted, you've never
missed Robots vs. Wrestlers.
251
00:12:49,335 --> 00:12:54,329
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
252
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,466
Ted, this isn't happening.
253
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,807
First, Robin ditches us and now you!
254
00:12:58,878 --> 00:13:01,642
And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots!
255
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,274
Actually, I kind of like
these stuffy, pretentious snoots.
256
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:07,114
They don't make fart noises
every time I open my mouth.
257
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,883
Well, look, I'm gonna stay.
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
258
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,789
- Yeah, come on, Barney. It's just one night.
- It doesn't mean anything.
259
00:13:12,859 --> 00:13:14,349
Oh! It means everything.
260
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,828
Ted, if you don't come
to Robots vs. Wrestlers,
261
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:19,956
it's the end of our friendship.
262
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,231
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
263
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:26,102
Fine. Then you are out of our gang forever.
264
00:13:26,839 --> 00:13:30,775
You can re-apply in two years.
Marshall, Lily.
265
00:13:32,212 --> 00:13:35,113
Let's go watch wrestlers fight robots.
266
00:13:37,850 --> 00:13:40,410
So embarrassing. I forgot something.
267
00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:56,499
So, Ted, where did those chums of
yours scoot off to?
268
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,896
Oh! You know, a poetry reading.
269
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,565
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
270
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:06,011
Best tradition ever.
271
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,411
Don't humor me, Marshall.
272
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:11,314
Let's face it, the gang is over.
273
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:12,783
Ted's gone, Robin's gone.
274
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,547
We might as well just go
our separate ways.
275
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,613
God, Barney,
enough with the abandonment issues.
276
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,490
Ted's allowed to have
a life outside of the group. We all are.
277
00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,826
Wait a minute.
Why are you saying that all of a sudden?
278
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,025
- Oh, God, you're pregnant!
- No!
279
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,800
Oh, God, you already had the baby!
280
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,763
It's right behind me, isn't it?
281
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,865
No, you idiot. It's just...
282
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:40,003
Eventually, we're all gonna move on.
It's called growing up.
283
00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:43,040
ROBOT: Is that all you got, bitch?
284
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:46,244
But can you at least promise me that
you won't get pregnant for another year?
285
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,684
Can't make that promise.
286
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,312
- You can't?
- You can't?
287
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,651
(ALL CHEERING)
288
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:55,750
Mmm.
289
00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,991
Citrus and honeycomb flavors
with crisp acidity.
290
00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:05,861
It's a Sauv blanc, Loire Valley.
Town of Sancerre.
291
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:10,341
(SIGHS) Correct again! Bravo, boy.
292
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,399
(CHUCKLING)
293
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:13,942
No, you can't have kids!
294
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:16,982
You don't want to bring a child
into this crazy, messed up world.
295
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:20,042
I don't know. The world seems
pretty awesome right now, Barney.
296
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:21,245
(ROBOT WHIRRING)
297
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,921
Okay, Lily, you leave me no choice.
298
00:15:24,991 --> 00:15:30,293
If you have a daughter, the day,
nay, the minute she turns 18,
299
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:31,987
gong!
300
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:33,123
Oh, God!
301
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:37,363
But, Lily, Lily, babies.
302
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,495
(COOING)
303
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,308
I hope Ted is miserable right now.
304
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:46,241
ALL: (SINGING) Constance Fry
Constance Fry
305
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:49,645
Anytime you call
306
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:53,516
Constance will fulfill your needs
307
00:15:53,586 --> 00:16:00,424
Winter, spring or fall
308
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:06,863
Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding.
309
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,134
Thank you, Will Shortz.
310
00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:16,471
Fine, you guys can have a baby,
but only under these conditions.
311
00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:20,774
One, you promise to always love me
more than the baby.
312
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:24,681
Two, once a month I get to use
the baby to pick up chicks.
313
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:28,050
Three, that may involve
the baby falling from a two-story window
314
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:30,021
and me heroically catching it.
315
00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:32,990
Four, no breast-feeding in front of me.
316
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:35,493
Five, forget about four. You can
whip them out whenever you want.
317
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:36,687
(IMITATES WHIP)
318
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,560
OLDER TED: And then,
something amazing happened.
319
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:39,723
(WRESTLER GRUNTING)
320
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:41,126
(LILY GASPING)
321
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,668
- Holy crap!
- I don't believe it!
322
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:45,562
(EX CLAIMING)
323
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:49,335
Well, of course, hell is an
interesting concept, isn't it?
324
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:54,004
I've always loved to imagine it
as Dante did in The Divine Comedy.
325
00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:57,840
If you'll allow me. In the original Italian.
326
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,910
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
327
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,720
TED: I can't believe this.
328
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:13,323
I'm reciting The Divine Comedy
in its original Italian,
329
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,424
and nobody's making fart noises!
330
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:21,973
Wow, this is weird.
I've never gotten this far.
331
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,141
You know,
I actually sound kind of douchey.
332
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,774
My God. I'm out of control.
333
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:35,482
Listen to me. I'm completely unleashed.
I'm the biggest douche on the planet.
334
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,049
(TED CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)
335
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,925
I wish somebody would stop me.
336
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:47,727
OLDER TED: And then, somebody did.
337
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,926
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
338
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:50,892
(EX CUSES HIMSELF IN ITALIAN)
339
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,001
OLDER TED: Kids, I think I told you
how earlier that year
340
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,598
we had seen some doppelgangers
of ourselves around town.
341
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,839
There was Lesbian Robin.
342
00:17:58,911 --> 00:17:59,900
(SPITTING)
343
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:01,804
(LILY LAUGHING)
344
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:04,076
There was Mustache Marshall.
345
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:06,745
And, of course, Stripper Lily.
346
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,987
Well, that night,
one more doppelganger surfaced.
347
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,222
Mexican Wrestler Ted.
348
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:16,995
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
349
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:20,760
(ALL CHEERING)
350
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,063
(METALLIC CLANGING)
351
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,069
(EX CLAIMING)
352
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,343
I gotta go.
353
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,977
(DRUNKENLY) Rule number 83,
354
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:42,817
if anything that comes out of
that baby gets on one of my suits,
355
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,379
I get to touch Lily's boobs.
356
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,687
Dude, what is it with you
and my wife's boobs tonight?
357
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:49,159
Hey, hey! I don't make the rules.
358
00:18:51,697 --> 00:18:54,097
Baby, are you really starting to
think about this?
359
00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:56,600
I don't know. Well, maybe a little.
360
00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,206
Okay. Well, for whatever it's worth,
I think that we're ready.
361
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,799
You know, look, we love each other,
we're financially stable
362
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,504
and honestly, I don't think it would change
our lifestyle all that much.
363
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:09,446
OLDER TED: Aunt Lily still likes to
remind Uncle Marshall he once said this.
364
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:12,179
Marshall, if we were at home
with a baby tonight,
365
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:14,515
we never would've seen
Ted's doppelganger.
366
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,317
Imagine missing that.
How would that feel?
367
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,255
I would blame that child
for the rest of his life.
368
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,759
Exactly. For the rest of her life.
369
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,257
Okay, you're right. There's no hurry.
370
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:30,326
Okay, how about this?
We agree there's no sense in having a baby
371
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,837
until we've seen
all five doppelgangers, right?
372
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,429
Of course. Stands to reason.
373
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,271
Okay, so, when we finally
see Barney's doppelganger,
374
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,039
that's the universe telling us it's go time,
375
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,444
and that's when we'll start trying. Deal?
376
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,508
Deal.
377
00:19:45,651 --> 00:19:46,675
Hey, guys.
378
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:50,586
Well, well.
Look who thinks he can just waltz in here,
379
00:19:50,656 --> 00:19:52,351
and be part of the gang again.
380
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,484
Well, you can forget it.
381
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,790
- Listen, Barney, I...
- Please be part of the gang again!
382
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,531
I don't wanna lose anyone else!
We're all really sorry.
383
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,692
We'll even let you recite
all the douchey poems you want,
384
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:04,998
and we'll never, never say
a bad thing about it. I promise.
385
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:08,837
Really? Because there actually
is a poem I'd like to recite.
386
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:11,602
Friendship, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
387
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:15,502
"A ruddy drop of manly blood
The surging sea outweighs
388
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,272
"The world uncertain comes and goes"
389
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,442
(MAKES FARTING NOISE)
390
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:22,514
I'm sorry. Someone had to do that.
391
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:24,215
Who wants another drink? I'm buying.
392
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,690
OLDER TED: Kids, I'd love to tell you
that over the years,
393
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:29,592
we didn't all drift apart
a little at one time or another.
394
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,563
You don't mean for it to happen,
but it does.
395
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,557
But no matter what, to this day,
396
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,535
come hell or high water,
397
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:41,437
we still all get together every year
for Robots vs. Wrestlers.
398
00:20:47,446 --> 00:20:50,381
Good night. Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.
399
00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:58,214
Willem. Dafoe!
400
00:20:59,525 --> 00:21:01,857
Willem. Dafoe!
401
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,825
Willem. Dafoe!
402
00:21:05,631 --> 00:21:06,893
(CHUCKLING)
403
00:21:07,260 --> 00:21:14,318
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