1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:04,003 OLDER TED: Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great. 2 00:00:04,071 --> 00:00:05,436 But by the time you reach your 30s, 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,906 you find out pretty fast everyone has baggage. 4 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:11,340 Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there, 5 00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:12,504 but sooner or later... 6 00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:13,604 - (CELL PHONE RINGING) - Oh! 7 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:16,912 It's my ex. Sorry, we're trying to remain friends. 8 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:20,917 Hi, pumpkin. Did you get our tickets to Maui? 9 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,217 OLDER TED: Yeah, it's there. 10 00:00:25,241 --> 00:00:31,241 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 11 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,675 That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce. 12 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,301 She was smart, beautiful... 13 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,209 Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together. 14 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,181 - But... - Exactly. That's the problem. 15 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,308 Her butt? 16 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,749 - What is it, too much? - Too little? 17 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,377 Or is it an issue of access? 18 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:54,478 (LAUGHS) 19 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:57,422 No. The but is, there's always gonna be a but. 20 00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:01,188 No matter how great things are going, sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined. 21 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,661 When she turns 30. 22 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:05,324 When I find out what her baggage is. 23 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:09,233 It's there. I don't know what it is, but when I do, party's over. 24 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:14,400 Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage. 25 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,908 Baggage is a good thing? 26 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:21,380 Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export. 27 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:22,438 - ALL: Porn. - Porn. 28 00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,118 Actually, it's porn. 29 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,385 Only women with major baggage go into porn. 30 00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:30,947 - Major baggage. - Major baggage. 31 00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:34,358 Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it. 32 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,727 Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage, 33 00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:40,699 that baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and... 34 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:44,465 Oh, I'm drawing a blank here. How did that work out again? 35 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,103 OLDER TED: Here's how it worked out. 36 00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:49,165 I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were happy. 37 00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:52,144 But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex-boyfriend, 38 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,182 Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her, 39 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,342 and Stella ran off with him to California, 40 00:01:57,418 --> 00:02:00,251 leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken. 41 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,148 Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful. 42 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:06,159 But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable. 43 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:09,060 Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage. 44 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,597 - Mother issues. - I do not. 45 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,359 - Grandmother issues. - Definitely do not. 46 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:15,732 - Great-grandmother issues. - I just don't like it when she picks me up. 47 00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:18,863 And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice. 48 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,634 How is being nice baggage? 49 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:23,336 Have you ever seen you walk down the street? 50 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:25,410 I don't even know how to answer that. 51 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,605 Well, let me help you out. 52 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:31,678 Michael. Javier. Marcello. 53 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:35,813 Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that. 54 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,587 That ought to do it. 55 00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:43,830 Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be... 56 00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:45,422 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 57 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,164 (EXHALES FORCEFULLY) 58 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,601 That's normal. 59 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:56,108 There is only one street where that is normal. 60 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:59,544 Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it. 61 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:04,142 Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice. 62 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:06,686 Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage. 63 00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:09,418 Best baggage, hates her dad, 64 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,549 and thinks she's fat but isn't. 65 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,149 Angry sex on the first date, 66 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:15,957 and then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone. 67 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,555 Why do you guys hang out with me? 68 00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:20,891 OLDER TED: That night, on my date with Royce, 69 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:23,368 I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be. 70 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,997 So is spaghetti your specialty? 71 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,940 No. The main event is my pancakes. 72 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,876 I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane. 73 00:03:31,946 --> 00:03:34,779 My dad used to make multi-grain pancakes. 74 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,440 He's the one who got me working in porn. 75 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:42,847 You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition. 76 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:46,552 It's a charity for inner-city teens who don't have access to sports or healthy food. 77 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:47,719 (EXHALES IN RELIEF) 78 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:52,495 That reminds me, I killed my brother 79 00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:57,233 with this joke I told him last night. 80 00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,866 A barber, a stripper and a Jew... 81 00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:08,612 ...Iliard-trained violinist, walked into a bar. 82 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,673 OLDER TED: I looked and looked and looked, 83 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,982 but it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about. 84 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,220 Until we went to go see a movie. 85 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:28,595 Oh, no. 86 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,694 Hey, what took you guys so long? 87 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,137 Nothing. Forget about it. 88 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:34,640 We were on our way here, 89 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:38,610 and Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van. 90 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,738 To be nice. Didn't cost nothing. 91 00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:44,078 And when the moving van drove away, who should show up 92 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:48,520 but the owner of the apartment we had just helped some guys rob. 93 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,321 And that one was hard to explain to the police. 94 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,757 See, Marshall, this is what I mean. 95 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:59,561 You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime-free, inbred, 96 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:03,626 backwoods, Podunk, cow-tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up. 97 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,133 Crime-free? Crime-free? 98 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:12,076 In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe-point. 99 00:05:12,146 --> 00:05:16,480 And besides, I like being friendly, okay? I'm not gonna change that about myself. 100 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,144 No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet. 101 00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:23,315 Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God. He's an idiot sometimes. 102 00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:26,188 He actually lent the burglars gas money. 103 00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:27,727 He gave them money? 104 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:31,526 Not gave, lent. They said that they would send us a check, 105 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:34,294 so Marshall gave them our address. 106 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,030 What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night, 107 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,095 and maybe tying me up? 108 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:42,836 I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary. 109 00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:44,676 Why don't you say something to him? 110 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:47,213 (GROANS) What's the point? He's from Minnesota. 111 00:05:47,281 --> 00:05:49,112 His high school mascot was a hug. 112 00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,512 - Hey, guys. - Hey, how'd the date with Royce go? 113 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:57,023 It was interesting. We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride. 114 00:05:57,091 --> 00:05:58,558 Oh! How was it? 115 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:01,025 Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick. 116 00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:05,657 This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night, 117 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:08,293 or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it, 118 00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:09,597 so let's try for the 7:10. 119 00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,935 - ROBIN: What's that movie about, anyway? - That's the interesting part. 120 00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:16,637 Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley. 121 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,975 I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York. 122 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:24,279 I... (SCREAMING) That's gonna leave a mark! 123 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:26,843 It's about me. 124 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:33,156 - The Wedding Bride is about you? - Yeah. 125 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:36,060 Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs 126 00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:39,657 - for the first time, I could've sworn... - This movie is about me, Marshall. 127 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:44,227 - It was written by Tony Grafanello. - Tony Grafanello? That's... 128 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,363 Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for. 129 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,931 This movie is the whole story of our breakup. 130 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,273 (LAUGHS) Why would he write a movie about that? 131 00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:52,607 Isn't he the bad guy in that story? 132 00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:56,137 Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby. 133 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,810 Funny, that was my memory of it, too. 134 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,979 But, according to the movie... 135 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,157 SECRETARY ON INTERCOM: Mr. Mosley, your fiancée is here. 136 00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:07,216 Great. The old ball and chain. 137 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:10,388 I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey 138 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:13,627 and come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in. 139 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:20,038 Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure? 140 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,940 We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember? 141 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:24,136 Ouch! 142 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,212 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 143 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,976 Whoa! 144 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,039 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 145 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:34,743 (SIGHING) 146 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,084 AUDIENCE: Aw! 147 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,220 - Well, I am stunned. - Right. 148 00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:42,422 That's what passes for comedy these days? 149 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:45,431 Whoa! "I'm falling back in my chair." 150 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:46,693 (LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY) 151 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:47,756 Whoa. 152 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,565 - I'm really falling back in my chair. - LILY: Baby. 153 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,537 MARSHALL: Okay, that was pretty funny. 154 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:56,167 What a jerk. Did he at least get someone hot to play me? 155 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,603 - You're not in it. - (SIGHING) What a jerk. 156 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:02,809 No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk, not according to the movie, anyway. 157 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,917 I'm going through with this wedding. I'm sorry, Tony. 158 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:11,250 Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about, 159 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:14,988 except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free. 160 00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:16,529 AUDIENCE: Aw! 161 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:18,730 I love him. 162 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,898 It's not that easy, Tony. 163 00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:26,872 Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, or as tall as you are... 164 00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:29,167 I'm taller than that guy. 165 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,805 ...and our sex life is terrible. 166 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,211 Once he even fell asleep while we were doing it. I mean... 167 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,875 It was one time. I was on cold medicine. 168 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,474 - What? - Nothing. 169 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:43,645 This is a terrible movie! And it got everything wrong. 170 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,487 Remember how I proposed to Stella? 171 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,093 TED: That spontaneous moment in the arcade. 172 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:51,130 I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy I won from a crane machine? 173 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,727 - Oh, that was so sweet. - So romantic. 174 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,392 A little cheesy. 175 00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:58,335 Well, here's how it went in the movie. 176 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:02,433 Look, if it'll shut you up, I guess we can get married. 177 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,206 Well, aren't you gonna give me a ring? 178 00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:08,339 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 179 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,207 - Here. Put this on your finger. - Hey! 180 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,620 And remember the two-minute date? 181 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,920 TED: When I squeezed an entire romantic evening 182 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:20,721 into just two minutes to accommodate Stella 's busy schedule? 183 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:23,627 - Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy. - That was really nice. 184 00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,562 Also, a little cheesy. 185 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,461 Well, according to the movie... 186 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,765 What about our big romantic weekend? 187 00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:33,362 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 188 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,774 Alls I got time for is a two-minute date, if you know what I mean. 189 00:09:37,844 --> 00:09:38,936 Sex. 190 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,138 Whoa! 191 00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:41,202 (THUDDING) 192 00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:42,714 (ALL LAUGHING) 193 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:45,440 (SIGHING) 194 00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:46,508 AUDIENCE: Aw! 195 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,548 Hey, if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need. 196 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,090 Run tell dat. 197 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:56,293 But the worst, the worst, was the ending. So they're at the wedding... 198 00:09:56,797 --> 00:10:01,359 Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully-wedded husband? 199 00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,961 - I... - Whoa! Spoilers! 200 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:09,700 Is what I would say if I ever plan on seeing such an awful film. 201 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,739 Continue. 202 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,076 So they're at the wedding. 203 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:18,015 - I... - Stella! 204 00:10:19,086 --> 00:10:20,815 - Tony! - Tony? 205 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,079 Something I need to say. 206 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:27,889 A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl named Stella get away. 207 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,594 And now she's with some jerk 208 00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:34,828 who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful, wedding bride. 209 00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,664 AUDIENCE: Oh! 210 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:39,363 What is wrong with you people? 211 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:44,068 You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley! 212 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,468 Did he say Ted that time? 213 00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:46,569 (SHUSHING) 214 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:52,817 Stella, I promised to make you my wife. And I'd like to live up to that promise. 215 00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:58,149 Oh, Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love. 216 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,816 Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him. 217 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,158 - ALL: Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him... - Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him... 218 00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:06,722 Stella, if you still truly love me, 219 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,426 can you let me make you my wedding bride? 220 00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:16,602 Can-do's-ville, babydoll. 221 00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:23,581 No! No! No! Stop doing that! 222 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,081 Daddy! 223 00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:27,579 (GROANS) 224 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,588 Take that, Ted Mosby. 225 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,283 (ALL LAUGHING) 226 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:35,083 Okay, he definitely said it that time. 227 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:41,932 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 228 00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:45,897 (SIGHING) 229 00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:52,707 Oh, my God. That was so good! I'm laughing. I'm crying. 230 00:11:53,447 --> 00:11:57,281 I know it's all fake, but didn't those seem like real characters? 231 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,147 It was just so real. 232 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,380 Hey, how come you said "oh, no" when the movie started? 233 00:12:03,457 --> 00:12:06,790 OLDER TED: That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me. 234 00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:12,464 Oh, uh, no reason. 235 00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,196 Ted, I think you need to tell Royce 236 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,566 the story of what happened with you and Stella. 237 00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,605 It's gonna come out eventually. 238 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:21,971 Why? Why does it even have to? 239 00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,941 Well, for starters, it's now the fifth highest-grossing movie of all time. 240 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,848 I don't care. I don't care. I'm taking this to the grave. 241 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,111 It's a stupid movie, anyway. 242 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,174 Sounds terrible. 243 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,118 My gosh, I would never go and see that film. 244 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,212 (ALL CHATTERING) 245 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:37,722 OLDER TED: Kids, you know where this is going. 246 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,657 Well, she's made her choice. 247 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:44,792 Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding. 248 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:47,095 Oh, you'll go all right. 249 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:50,603 I'm gonna drive you there myself and make you watch. 250 00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:51,864 (LAUGHING LOUDLY) 251 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,964 Billy, no! The code. 252 00:12:56,109 --> 00:13:00,205 This is exactly how it happened. He got every part right. 253 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,680 Even that thing with the nunchucks. 254 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,375 OLDER TED: So I was resolved to put The Wedding Bride 255 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,317 as far behind me as possible. 256 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:08,445 Unfortunately... 257 00:13:08,522 --> 00:13:09,682 Oh! How great was The Wedding Bride? 258 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:10,780 (BOTH EX CLAIMING) 259 00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:13,690 - Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! - We're going to see it again tomorrow. 260 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,785 Ooh! Can we come? Ted, you wanna see it again, right? 261 00:13:15,862 --> 00:13:17,591 Yeah. It was good. 262 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:21,430 "Good"? Try instant classic. The only thing wrong with it, 263 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:24,868 and I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an otherwise flawless film, 264 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:28,237 is I just didn't get why Stella would even wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley 265 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,574 in the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley. 266 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:36,341 Come on, Royce. You've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day. 267 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,611 Well, okay. But who hasn't? 268 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:43,452 He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo, the way he pronounces encyclopedia. 269 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,684 - Encyclopaedia. - Encyclopaedia. 270 00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:49,126 Totally. Totally. All right, well, technically, that is the correct... 271 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:52,825 I was so, so happy when that loser got left at the altar, and you know why? 272 00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:54,628 - Because he had it coming. - Mmm-hmm. 273 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,168 And the great part is he is gonna live 274 00:13:56,236 --> 00:14:00,605 a long, sad life, knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness. 275 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:03,438 Oh! What about when he got beat up by the goat? 276 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,570 - (ALL LAUGHING) - So funny. What a loser. 277 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:11,549 Totally! I mean, the guy's life was shattered in a very public humiliation. 278 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,313 What a hoot! 279 00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:17,550 And it may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again. 280 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,455 He may be so emotionally traumatized 281 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,586 he never fully loves or trusts anyone ever again. 282 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:27,429 That's hysterical. Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy. 283 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,033 Ted, are you okay? 284 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:34,073 Yeah. I just think you all might be interested to learn something about 285 00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:37,303 that movie y'all love so much. 286 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:44,540 It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it. 287 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:50,022 Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology. 288 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,592 No-can-do's-ville, babydoll. 289 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:58,754 No-can-do's-ville. 290 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:08,206 You said, "No-can-do's-ville, babydoll"? 291 00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:11,210 You actually used Jed Mosley's catchphrase? 292 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,769 I know. I was just so upset that... 293 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,476 How do you know that's his catchphrase? 294 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,143 - You said it was his catchphrase. - They dragged me to it. I didn't wanna go. 295 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,880 - I wanted to see A vatar again. - TED: All right, that's it. 296 00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,650 I'm just gonna move to some country where no one's seen The Wedding Bride. 297 00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:26,817 Good luck, Ted. That movie is worldwide. It's huge. 298 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,690 - Maybe North Korea. - Nope. 299 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:31,788 I read that Kim Jong II said it was his second favorite movie of all time. 300 00:15:31,865 --> 00:15:35,824 Right behind a movie of him riding a horse in slow motion through a field of turnips. 301 00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:37,802 Sorry, Ted. You're screwed. 302 00:15:37,871 --> 00:15:40,669 No. You know what? No, Ted is not screwed. 303 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,402 All right, do you guys wanna know why I'm nice to everyone? 304 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,740 It's because I don't care about baggage. 305 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:48,042 I mean, most people, they see another person walking down the street 306 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:51,049 with that big heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by. 307 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:53,244 But not me. I look at them, and I say... 308 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,881 I say, "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?" 309 00:15:56,957 --> 00:16:00,484 And you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby. 310 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:05,461 A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things. 311 00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:09,935 And you know what, Ted? I believe that deep down, you're still that guy. 312 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,536 I am still that guy. 313 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,300 I think you wanna go out there and get that girl. 314 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:16,069 I do wanna go out there and get that girl. 315 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,667 - Because she's the love of your life! - Because she's... 316 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,373 Well, okay, let's... We're three dates in. She seems nice. 317 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:24,781 - Because she seems nice! - She does seem nice! 318 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,685 You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her. 319 00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:31,920 And I know exactly where she is. 320 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:38,320 The wedding's in 15 minutes. I'll never make it. 321 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:43,859 You can do it, sensei. Go give love a roundhouse kick right in the heart. 322 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,197 You're right. What am I doing? 323 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,572 There's still time. 324 00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:12,328 MINISTER: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully-wedded husband? 325 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:14,925 STELLA: I... 326 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,524 (CLEARING THROAT) 327 00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,702 - Royce? - Stella? 328 00:17:18,772 --> 00:17:20,239 - Ted? - Tony! 329 00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:21,739 - Tony? - Ted? 330 00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,302 Barney? 331 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,536 (SLURPING) 332 00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,402 Something I need to say. 333 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:28,276 Look, there's something I need to say. 334 00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,009 - A long time ago... - A long time ago, 335 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:33,143 - I let a horrible girl named Stella... ...I let this beautiful girl named Stella... 336 00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:35,517 ...break my heart. ...get away. 337 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,453 - And now she's with some jerk... - And now she's with this jerk 338 00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:39,992 - who wrote a movie about it and... ...who doesn't appreciate what he has 339 00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:43,120 - in this beautiful, wedding bride. ...that movie is called The Wedding Bride. 340 00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,824 - What are you saying? - JED: You can't talk to me like that. 341 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,666 - I'm Jed Mosley! - I'm Jed Mosley. But, Royce... 342 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:49,861 TONY: This girl in the white wedding dress... 343 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,597 ...this doofus in the red cowboy boots, 344 00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:52,968 - this isn't me. - TONY: ... this isn't you. 345 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:54,063 So, just to be clear, 346 00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:57,576 are you saying that you don't have a pair of red cowboy boots in your closet? 347 00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:58,702 Barney, what... 348 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:01,076 Well, I just wanted... I mean, that's... Everyone wants to know. 349 00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:03,240 They're actually more of a burgundy. 350 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,949 - Royce... - Stella, 351 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,782 - I promised to make you my wife. ...I promised to make you some pancakes. 352 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:12,586 - And I'd like to live up to that promise. - And I'd like to live up to that promise. 353 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:15,787 - STELLA: Tony, all I've wanted all my life... - Ted, all I've wanted all week... 354 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:18,592 - STELLA: ... was your love. ...was some pancakes. 355 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:22,467 - MINISTER: Go on, honey. Kiss him. - Go on, honey. Kiss him. 356 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:24,127 - GUESTS: Kiss him, kiss him... - Kiss him, kiss him... 357 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,138 OLDER TED: Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss." 358 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,936 Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him! 359 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:31,738 OLDER TED: Still not saying "kiss." 360 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:34,109 Sir, you need to leave, now! 361 00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:36,740 This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you? 362 00:18:37,050 --> 00:18:41,544 - Stella, if you still truly love me... - Royce, if you still kind of like me... 363 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:45,923 ...can you let me make you my wedding bride? 364 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,085 ...can you let me make you some pancakes? 365 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,688 - Can-do's-ville, babydoll. - STELLA: Can-do's-ville, babydoll. 366 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,729 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 367 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,607 JED: No! No! No! Stop doing that! 368 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:06,805 - Kiss this. Kissing movie's over, anyway. - Sir! 369 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,142 BARNEY: Oh. Oops, oops! 370 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:18,883 Hey, 371 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,121 that stuff that happened to me, 372 00:19:23,429 --> 00:19:26,660 it was pretty rough. I'm still getting over it. 373 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,330 Let me help you with that. 374 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:33,996 OLDER TED: And just like that, kids, 375 00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:36,564 my baggage didn't seem quite so heavy anymore. 376 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:40,236 You see, everyone's got some baggage. It's part of life. 377 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:43,942 But like anything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it. 378 00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:53,717 Wow, it feels so good to have told you all that stuff about me. 379 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,523 I'm really glad I can open up to you. 380 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,655 Ted, it's not that big of a deal. 381 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,197 Heck, I've been left at the altar. 382 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:04,965 Three times. 383 00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:09,575 The last time was because I blew all our money on online poker. 384 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,943 That's why I live with my brother now. 385 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:17,244 Wait, I thought you said you had a tiny studio apartment. 386 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,915 Yup, just the two of us. You should see how he hogs the covers. 387 00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,079 (GROANS) 388 00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:28,254 Yeah, you gotta go. 389 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:56,944 ENGLISH - US - SDH