1 00:00:01,452 --> 00:00:03,402 Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney 2 00:00:03,403 --> 00:00:05,945 had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage. 3 00:00:06,459 --> 00:00:08,597 To have to grow up in Canada... 4 00:00:08,598 --> 00:00:10,614 with America right there. 5 00:00:10,616 --> 00:00:13,034 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 6 00:00:13,036 --> 00:00:16,804 Why? Why do we let you be a country?! 7 00:00:16,806 --> 00:00:21,625 But all that was about to change. 8 00:00:21,627 --> 00:00:23,127 I was on Facebook. 9 00:00:23,129 --> 00:00:25,513 Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore. 10 00:00:25,515 --> 00:00:27,432 Well, you know who is on Facebook now? 11 00:00:27,434 --> 00:00:28,983 Everybody's parents. 12 00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:31,469 And I just happen to be friends 13 00:00:31,471 --> 00:00:33,637 with Barney's long-lost father, 14 00:00:33,639 --> 00:00:35,139 Mr. Jerome Whitaker. - Me, too. 15 00:00:35,141 --> 00:00:36,774 He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz. 16 00:00:36,776 --> 00:00:40,828 And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba was 17 00:00:40,830 --> 00:00:46,033 so interesting because his mother was born in Manitoba? 18 00:00:46,035 --> 00:00:47,368 What? 19 00:00:47,370 --> 00:00:49,653 Which means your grandmother... 20 00:00:49,655 --> 00:00:50,555 No... 21 00:00:50,557 --> 00:00:51,672 Which makes you... 22 00:00:51,674 --> 00:00:52,874 Don't say it! 23 00:00:52,876 --> 00:00:53,925 ...one-quarter Canadian! 24 00:00:56,513 --> 00:00:58,546 Welcome to the tribe, hoser! 25 00:00:58,548 --> 00:01:00,631 No... 26 00:01:00,633 --> 00:01:02,767 it's not true! 27 00:01:02,769 --> 00:01:04,685 That's impossible! 28 00:01:04,709 --> 00:01:12,709 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 29 00:01:22,881 --> 00:01:25,240 Once upon a time at a Halloween party, 30 00:01:25,241 --> 00:01:27,641 I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin... 31 00:01:27,643 --> 00:01:28,642 a slutty pumpkin. 32 00:01:28,644 --> 00:01:30,861 And she was extraordinary. 33 00:01:30,863 --> 00:01:33,581 But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar, 34 00:01:33,583 --> 00:01:35,916 which was tragically given away as Halloween candy. 35 00:01:35,918 --> 00:01:37,868 So every year I return to that same party 36 00:01:37,870 --> 00:01:39,420 hoping I'd see her again. 37 00:01:39,422 --> 00:01:43,607 But with every passing October, that hope grew a little dimmer. 38 00:01:43,609 --> 00:01:46,577 Then one day, after ten years of searching... 39 00:01:46,579 --> 00:01:48,662 Oh, my God. 40 00:01:48,664 --> 00:01:50,931 The slutty pumpkin. 41 00:01:50,933 --> 00:01:53,834 This might sound creepy, but do you have a record 42 00:01:53,836 --> 00:01:55,503 of who rented it in 2001? 43 00:01:58,523 --> 00:01:59,840 Wow, that was easy. 44 00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:01,725 You're not the first lovelorn young man 45 00:02:01,727 --> 00:02:02,843 to walk through that door. 46 00:02:02,845 --> 00:02:05,146 Three girls got proposals off 47 00:02:05,148 --> 00:02:08,065 my wife's slutty artichoke costume. 48 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,402 Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive. 49 00:02:11,404 --> 00:02:14,121 I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address. 50 00:02:14,123 --> 00:02:16,340 I knew I had to play this right. 51 00:02:16,342 --> 00:02:20,044 It's not like I could just walk up and knock on her door. 52 00:02:23,748 --> 00:02:27,034 Hi, you probably don't remember me, but... 53 00:02:27,036 --> 00:02:29,536 Halloween, ten years ago. 54 00:02:30,338 --> 00:02:32,807 Now that's a slow play. 55 00:02:32,809 --> 00:02:36,710 The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out 56 00:02:36,712 --> 00:02:38,229 to Lily's grandparents for dinner. 57 00:02:38,231 --> 00:02:40,214 Marshall loved it out in the 'burbs. 58 00:02:40,216 --> 00:02:41,882 Look how many fireflies I caught! 59 00:02:41,884 --> 00:02:45,052 Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time. 60 00:02:45,854 --> 00:02:48,889 Now we have a nice surprise for you. 61 00:02:49,991 --> 00:02:52,276 Whatever it is, we're saying no. 62 00:02:52,278 --> 00:02:54,411 - What? - You know what. 63 00:02:54,413 --> 00:02:55,663 Every time we're here, 64 00:02:55,665 --> 00:02:57,948 my grandparents stick us with some big old piece of junk 65 00:02:57,950 --> 00:02:59,399 they're getting rid of. 66 00:02:59,401 --> 00:03:02,253 It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown. 67 00:03:02,255 --> 00:03:05,956 It's a perfectly usable lawnmower! 68 00:03:07,376 --> 00:03:08,926 We live in an apartment! 69 00:03:08,928 --> 00:03:10,177 But maybe someday 70 00:03:10,179 --> 00:03:11,629 when we move to the suburbs... 71 00:03:11,631 --> 00:03:13,464 We're never moving to the suburbs! 72 00:03:13,466 --> 00:03:14,548 And you also get... 73 00:03:14,550 --> 00:03:17,051 this skinny microphone! 74 00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:18,802 Oh! 75 00:03:18,804 --> 00:03:22,256 Before we head out to our place in Florida, 76 00:03:22,258 --> 00:03:24,775 we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter 77 00:03:24,777 --> 00:03:26,443 a little something. 78 00:03:26,445 --> 00:03:30,781 Ooh, it's so small. I love it! 79 00:03:30,783 --> 00:03:33,284 - A key? - We're giving you the house. 80 00:03:33,286 --> 00:03:37,071 Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs... 81 00:03:37,073 --> 00:03:39,707 We'll take it! 82 00:03:39,709 --> 00:03:42,493 For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, 83 00:03:42,495 --> 00:03:44,128 I took her someplace special. 84 00:03:44,130 --> 00:03:45,779 Ted, this is so romantic. 85 00:03:45,781 --> 00:03:47,715 The spot where we first met 86 00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:49,416 ten years ago. 87 00:03:49,418 --> 00:03:51,502 Do you remember the song that was playing that night? 88 00:03:51,504 --> 00:03:54,255 I remember how beautiful you looked. 89 00:03:54,257 --> 00:03:56,957 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 90 00:03:56,959 --> 00:03:59,894 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry." ♪ 91 00:03:59,896 --> 00:04:01,845 Is that, uh, the Barenaked Ladies, huh? 92 00:04:01,847 --> 00:04:03,514 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪ 93 00:04:03,516 --> 00:04:05,733 ♪ Saying, "Get that together. Come back and see me." ♪ 94 00:04:05,735 --> 00:04:09,987 Kids, it took me ten years, but I finally kissed her. 95 00:04:09,989 --> 00:04:13,473 And it was... terrible. 96 00:04:20,654 --> 00:04:22,154 Lily, you hate the suburbs. 97 00:04:22,270 --> 00:04:24,737 I know, but my grandparents giving us a house 98 00:04:24,739 --> 00:04:26,272 right when the baby's on the way? 99 00:04:26,274 --> 00:04:27,389 It's perfect timing. 100 00:04:27,391 --> 00:04:29,408 This is great. I'm finally gonna be able 101 00:04:29,410 --> 00:04:31,727 to barbecue with proper ventilation. 102 00:04:33,063 --> 00:04:34,614 Marshall! 103 00:04:35,582 --> 00:04:37,116 We're moving to the suburbs, baby! 104 00:04:37,118 --> 00:04:39,118 Oh... 105 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,621 Okay. 106 00:04:41,623 --> 00:04:43,506 Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs. 107 00:04:43,508 --> 00:04:44,457 Why not? 108 00:04:44,459 --> 00:04:45,841 Lily is only agreeing 109 00:04:45,843 --> 00:04:47,593 to all this because of Pregnancy Brain. 110 00:04:47,595 --> 00:04:49,679 Pregnancy Brain? That's not a thing. 111 00:04:49,681 --> 00:04:50,913 It's totally a thing. 112 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:55,551 Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, 113 00:04:55,553 --> 00:04:58,137 mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. 114 00:04:58,139 --> 00:05:01,440 I mean, yes, right now Lily is a goddess 115 00:05:01,442 --> 00:05:03,192 bestowing the miracle of life, 116 00:05:03,194 --> 00:05:05,728 but damn, she dumb! 117 00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:09,065 Well, I have noticed some stuff. 118 00:05:09,067 --> 00:05:11,901 I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere! 119 00:05:11,903 --> 00:05:13,936 I found them... 120 00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:16,438 here in the freezer. 121 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,407 Hey, but where are the ice cube trays? 122 00:05:18,409 --> 00:05:20,526 No idea. 123 00:05:21,962 --> 00:05:25,948 Those poor ice cubes! 124 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:28,968 I guess she has been a little off lately. 125 00:05:28,970 --> 00:05:30,803 A little? She just texted me 126 00:05:30,805 --> 00:05:33,656 wanting directions back from the bathroom. 127 00:05:33,658 --> 00:05:37,176 Oh. We're over here! 128 00:05:38,295 --> 00:05:40,062 You're doing great, sweetie! 129 00:05:40,064 --> 00:05:43,132 That moron should not be making big life decisions right now. 130 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,767 If you let her move to the suburbs, 131 00:05:44,769 --> 00:05:46,819 it would be like taking advantage 132 00:05:46,821 --> 00:05:48,354 of a helpless drunk chick. 133 00:05:48,356 --> 00:05:50,573 What? Where?! 134 00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:53,242 Oh, I got a girlfriend, right. 135 00:05:55,512 --> 00:05:57,330 Baby, we should put off moving. 136 00:05:57,332 --> 00:05:58,331 Why? 137 00:05:58,333 --> 00:06:00,082 Because I think the pregnancy is 138 00:06:00,084 --> 00:06:01,167 affecting your judgment. 139 00:06:01,169 --> 00:06:05,655 No, Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity 140 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,990 that we have to take advantage of! 141 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:10,593 Just because my body is growing a fungus... 142 00:06:10,595 --> 00:06:12,094 Fetus. 143 00:06:12,096 --> 00:06:13,362 ...doesn't mean that my metal factories... 144 00:06:13,364 --> 00:06:15,097 Mental faculties. 145 00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:17,183 ...are in any way funicular. 146 00:06:18,852 --> 00:06:20,353 No idea. 147 00:06:21,188 --> 00:06:24,890 Mmm... 148 00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:26,342 This is nice. What is this? 149 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:27,509 Canadian whiskey. 150 00:06:29,112 --> 00:06:32,014 I want scotch! 151 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:36,402 American scotch from Scotland! 152 00:06:36,404 --> 00:06:38,854 Get that swill away from me! 153 00:06:41,992 --> 00:06:44,126 Why are you doing this to me? 154 00:06:44,128 --> 00:06:45,995 You have been ripping on Canada 155 00:06:45,997 --> 00:06:48,530 since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snow blower. 156 00:06:48,532 --> 00:06:51,533 So now this Canuck's gonna beat on you 157 00:06:51,535 --> 00:06:54,387 like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits. 158 00:06:54,389 --> 00:06:56,639 - Hey. - Hey! 159 00:06:56,641 --> 00:06:57,590 How was your 160 00:06:57,592 --> 00:06:59,392 big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin? 161 00:06:59,394 --> 00:07:00,709 The Sniffy Napkin? 162 00:07:00,711 --> 00:07:04,263 The Slouchy Foreskin? 163 00:07:04,265 --> 00:07:05,547 Lily tie-tie. 164 00:07:05,549 --> 00:07:09,151 It was good... ish. 165 00:07:10,053 --> 00:07:12,721 Look, there's Orion's Belt. 166 00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:13,989 Oh. 167 00:07:13,991 --> 00:07:16,108 Why does holding hands feel this weird? 168 00:07:16,110 --> 00:07:18,277 Should our fingers not intertwine? 169 00:07:18,279 --> 00:07:21,530 What's causing that pinching feeling? 170 00:07:21,532 --> 00:07:23,732 I'll just cup her hand. 171 00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:26,068 There. That's... 172 00:07:26,070 --> 00:07:28,087 not great. 173 00:07:31,708 --> 00:07:34,910 Her hair's up my nose. 174 00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:38,431 Her shoulder's jabbing into my windpipe. 175 00:07:38,433 --> 00:07:40,182 Maybe if we reposition. 176 00:07:45,355 --> 00:07:46,755 I have to say something. 177 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,274 She must be feeling it, too. 178 00:07:48,276 --> 00:07:50,092 This feels so right. 179 00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:52,895 We fit like two puzzle pieces. 180 00:07:52,897 --> 00:07:54,113 Yeah. 181 00:07:54,115 --> 00:07:57,483 Ted, I know you've waited ten years for this girl, 182 00:07:57,485 --> 00:07:59,601 but some things just aren't meant to be. 183 00:07:59,603 --> 00:08:01,737 Not so fast. At the end of the night, 184 00:08:01,739 --> 00:08:04,540 when I leaned in and somehow accidentally kissed 185 00:08:04,542 --> 00:08:07,543 her open eyeball, there was a slight flicker of something 186 00:08:07,545 --> 00:08:10,629 I might even call chemistry... 187 00:08:10,631 --> 00:08:12,131 adjacent. 188 00:08:12,999 --> 00:08:14,283 Thank you. 189 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,801 Wait. 190 00:08:17,170 --> 00:08:18,888 Where is my cash? 191 00:08:18,890 --> 00:08:20,473 Oh, yeah, 192 00:08:20,475 --> 00:08:23,175 I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead. 193 00:08:23,177 --> 00:08:26,595 This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie." 194 00:08:26,597 --> 00:08:30,983 And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story. 195 00:08:30,985 --> 00:08:34,153 It's federal currency and you people talk about it 196 00:08:34,155 --> 00:08:36,188 like it's a Hannah- Barbera character. 197 00:08:36,190 --> 00:08:39,108 Not you people, Barney. 198 00:08:39,110 --> 00:08:40,609 Our people. 199 00:08:40,611 --> 00:08:43,078 Even though my first date with Naomi was 200 00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:44,246 a little awkward, 201 00:08:44,248 --> 00:08:46,315 our second date was a lot awkward. 202 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:47,750 Mmm...! 203 00:08:47,752 --> 00:08:50,786 This is the worst kissing of all time! 204 00:08:50,788 --> 00:08:51,820 Mmm... 205 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,622 How could she possibly be into this? 206 00:08:54,509 --> 00:08:55,958 She sounds like those cows in 207 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,326 Temple Grandin's hug machines. 208 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,595 Do you want to listen to some music? 209 00:08:59,597 --> 00:09:00,446 Uh-huh! 210 00:09:07,054 --> 00:09:08,637 Ted, this is our song. 211 00:09:08,639 --> 00:09:10,773 Let's make love to this song. 212 00:09:12,359 --> 00:09:14,560 ♪ Chickety China, the Chinese chicken ♪ 213 00:09:14,562 --> 00:09:16,178 ♪ Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin' ♪ 214 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,646 Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 215 00:09:17,648 --> 00:09:19,648 ♪ X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison. ♪ 216 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,320 Hey, doofus! 217 00:09:24,322 --> 00:09:26,322 It's me: you at age 15. 218 00:09:26,324 --> 00:09:27,540 And we made a deal 219 00:09:27,542 --> 00:09:30,876 we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us! 220 00:09:30,878 --> 00:09:32,127 Yes, she's beautiful, 221 00:09:32,129 --> 00:09:34,463 it's just there's no connection there. 222 00:09:34,465 --> 00:09:36,031 I don't feel intimate with her. 223 00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,833 "Intimate"? Let me remind you of some things 224 00:09:37,835 --> 00:09:40,169 you did feel "intimate" with when you were 15: 225 00:09:40,171 --> 00:09:41,303 a catcher's mitt, 226 00:09:41,305 --> 00:09:43,872 an oven mitt, a glass of warm water, 227 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:47,510 a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, a top-loading VCR! 228 00:09:47,512 --> 00:09:48,761 It's not gonna happen! 229 00:09:48,763 --> 00:09:51,397 Come on! 230 00:09:51,399 --> 00:09:54,567 It'll take, like, 30 seconds! 231 00:09:56,052 --> 00:09:57,403 Naomi, listen... 232 00:09:57,405 --> 00:10:00,406 Shh... 233 00:10:03,443 --> 00:10:04,577 You like that, Ted? 234 00:10:04,579 --> 00:10:05,744 Hmm. 235 00:10:05,746 --> 00:10:09,281 Do you ike it when I caress your hair? 236 00:10:09,283 --> 00:10:12,734 Your hair is so nice to caress. 237 00:10:12,736 --> 00:10:14,837 Why is she saying that word? 238 00:10:14,839 --> 00:10:17,289 I like to caress your hair. 239 00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:21,126 There it is again! "Caress!" Who says that? 240 00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:24,129 Caress. 241 00:10:25,715 --> 00:10:27,749 The thing is, I like her, okay? 242 00:10:27,751 --> 00:10:29,852 I really, really like her. 243 00:10:29,854 --> 00:10:33,022 I just don't seem to like anything she says or does. 244 00:10:33,857 --> 00:10:35,774 I have to break up with her, don't I? 245 00:10:35,776 --> 00:10:36,825 Yes! 246 00:10:36,827 --> 00:10:38,861 After you sleep with her, yes! 247 00:10:39,929 --> 00:10:41,597 Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said. 248 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:44,450 You're right, we shouldn't move to the suburbs. 249 00:10:44,452 --> 00:10:47,486 Let's not make any huge life decisions right now. 250 00:10:47,488 --> 00:10:49,405 Is this because you tried to make waffles 251 00:10:49,407 --> 00:10:50,606 with the laptop this morning? 252 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:54,043 Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker 253 00:10:54,045 --> 00:10:55,828 to come look at the house tomorrow. 254 00:10:55,830 --> 00:10:57,429 Oh, by the way, 255 00:10:57,431 --> 00:10:59,582 I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes. 256 00:10:59,584 --> 00:11:02,801 You're right, they're totally gonna class up our apartment. 257 00:11:05,605 --> 00:11:08,524 Okay, yes. It's wrong to bang a drunk chick. 258 00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:11,627 But you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little something. 259 00:11:14,147 --> 00:11:15,147 Yo, Canada. 260 00:11:15,149 --> 00:11:17,266 What? Dammit! 261 00:11:17,268 --> 00:11:19,134 Ha, you answer to "Canada" now. 262 00:11:20,954 --> 00:11:22,237 I'll make you a deal. 263 00:11:22,239 --> 00:11:23,606 You wear this costume 264 00:11:23,608 --> 00:11:25,524 to the Halloween party tomorrow night, 265 00:11:25,526 --> 00:11:27,693 I'll drop it forever. 266 00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:32,615 You can't be serious. 267 00:11:32,617 --> 00:11:35,534 Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage 268 00:11:35,536 --> 00:11:38,120 in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel. 269 00:11:38,122 --> 00:11:41,823 I don't know what any of those words mean. 270 00:11:41,825 --> 00:11:44,009 Yes. You do. 271 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,016 Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it? 272 00:11:51,018 --> 00:11:53,185 Sure. Of course. 273 00:11:53,187 --> 00:11:56,105 Trick or treat! 274 00:11:56,107 --> 00:11:58,507 Oh, my gosh. How cute! 275 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,275 I'm sorry, we don't have any candy. 276 00:12:00,277 --> 00:12:02,061 Um, we forgot about trick-or-treaters. 277 00:12:02,063 --> 00:12:03,278 We don't get any where we live. 278 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,198 Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness 279 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,533 in the suburbs. 280 00:12:09,352 --> 00:12:14,373 Oh. Look at how sweet and happy and unarmed they all are! 281 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:17,543 Are you using adorable little children in costumes 282 00:12:17,545 --> 00:12:18,711 to manipulate me? - Bye! 283 00:12:18,713 --> 00:12:20,862 I mean, did you even call a real estate broker? 284 00:12:20,864 --> 00:12:22,748 No. 285 00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:24,833 I've got Pregnancy Brain like a fiddle 286 00:12:24,835 --> 00:12:28,303 and I've been playing you like a fox. 287 00:12:30,507 --> 00:12:36,028 ♪ Oh, Canada... ♪ 288 00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:41,433 ♪ Our home and native land... ♪ 289 00:12:43,404 --> 00:12:46,405 I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi. 290 00:12:46,407 --> 00:12:49,108 But when it's just not there, you can't force it. 291 00:12:52,829 --> 00:12:54,363 Happy Halloween. 292 00:12:54,365 --> 00:12:57,866 And just like that, I was taken back ten years... 293 00:12:57,868 --> 00:13:01,036 to the hopeful kid in the hanging chad costume, 294 00:13:01,038 --> 00:13:03,905 falling head over heels for the Slutty Pumpkin. 295 00:13:03,907 --> 00:13:06,792 I made you something. 296 00:13:09,512 --> 00:13:12,264 - Oh. - Your costume from that first night. 297 00:13:12,266 --> 00:13:14,967 Although you do realize that even ten years ago, 298 00:13:14,969 --> 00:13:17,803 the hanging chad reference was like almost a year old. 299 00:13:17,805 --> 00:13:20,255 Wow... 300 00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,141 I can't believe you made this. 301 00:13:22,143 --> 00:13:24,426 I can't believe you found me. 302 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:27,730 Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this. 303 00:13:27,732 --> 00:13:29,531 I... 304 00:13:29,533 --> 00:13:31,984 "Have to break up with you," just say it. 305 00:13:32,869 --> 00:13:34,236 Love... Wait, what? 306 00:13:34,238 --> 00:13:35,604 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 307 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:37,706 Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything! 308 00:13:37,708 --> 00:13:38,940 Just don't say... 309 00:13:38,942 --> 00:13:40,242 You. 310 00:13:40,244 --> 00:13:43,328 No! 311 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:48,790 Barney? Where are you? 312 00:13:48,835 --> 00:13:50,702 You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker 313 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:53,371 climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day. 314 00:13:53,373 --> 00:13:55,673 Those are all real references to our shared homeland. 315 00:13:55,675 --> 00:13:57,175 I'll be right there. 316 00:13:57,177 --> 00:14:01,346 Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right. 317 00:14:01,348 --> 00:14:03,264 ♪ Living in America ♪ 318 00:14:03,266 --> 00:14:04,766 ♪ Ow! ♪ 319 00:14:04,768 --> 00:14:06,601 ♪ Eye to eye ♪ 320 00:14:06,603 --> 00:14:09,187 ♪ Station to station ♪ 321 00:14:09,189 --> 00:14:12,440 ♪ Living in America ♪ 322 00:14:12,442 --> 00:14:14,976 ♪ Hand in hand ♪ 323 00:14:14,978 --> 00:14:17,512 ♪ Across the nation ♪ 324 00:14:17,514 --> 00:14:21,382 ♪ Living in America ♪ 325 00:14:21,384 --> 00:14:25,286 ♪ Got to have a celebration ♪ 326 00:14:25,288 --> 00:14:28,623 ♪ Rock my soul ♪ 327 00:14:28,625 --> 00:14:30,959 ♪ Ow! ♪ 328 00:14:30,961 --> 00:14:33,244 If we move here, you're just going to have that baby, 329 00:14:33,246 --> 00:14:34,996 and then you're going to hate me 330 00:14:34,998 --> 00:14:37,332 for letting you do this. I'm going to love it here. 331 00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:40,919 Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs. 332 00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:45,122 You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted. 333 00:14:45,124 --> 00:14:48,176 You can put it anywhere you want. 334 00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:50,895 Stop it. You don't know what you're saying. 335 00:14:50,897 --> 00:14:52,347 Anywhere. 336 00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:55,850 Upstairs, downstairs... 337 00:14:55,852 --> 00:14:58,152 you can stick it in the back. 338 00:14:59,355 --> 00:15:02,690 Lily, I want to be inside this house so bad. 339 00:15:02,692 --> 00:15:05,627 USA! USA! 340 00:15:05,629 --> 00:15:06,928 USA! 341 00:15:06,930 --> 00:15:08,329 Come on! 342 00:15:08,331 --> 00:15:10,665 Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume 343 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,116 and end this forever, 344 00:15:12,118 --> 00:15:13,985 you show up shirtless to an outdoor party? 345 00:15:13,987 --> 00:15:15,336 It's practically November. 346 00:15:15,338 --> 00:15:17,755 No biggie. I ain't cold. 347 00:15:17,757 --> 00:15:19,757 Huh. Interesting. 348 00:15:19,759 --> 00:15:21,259 It's fascinating. 349 00:15:21,261 --> 00:15:24,295 Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures 350 00:15:24,297 --> 00:15:27,181 after generations of adapting. 351 00:15:27,183 --> 00:15:28,766 Canada. 352 00:15:28,768 --> 00:15:29,851 No. 353 00:15:29,853 --> 00:15:32,670 Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi. 354 00:15:32,672 --> 00:15:34,055 - Hey. - Hey. 355 00:15:34,057 --> 00:15:36,724 Nice to meet you guys. 356 00:15:36,726 --> 00:15:40,061 I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented. 357 00:15:40,063 --> 00:15:41,029 There's a song and dance 358 00:15:41,031 --> 00:15:42,564 that goes along with it, but I have to 359 00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:43,898 drink three of them before I can do it. 360 00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:47,669 Oh. Okay. You go. 361 00:15:47,671 --> 00:15:49,487 This way. 362 00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:54,025 Sounds delicious. In theory. 363 00:15:54,027 --> 00:15:56,360 But you never know until you taste it. 364 00:15:56,362 --> 00:16:00,698 Ted... have you tasted her Tootsie Roll? 365 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:01,716 Of course not. 366 00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:03,968 - Ow. - Wait. Have you? 367 00:16:06,089 --> 00:16:08,556 You had sex with someone you have zero feelings for! 368 00:16:08,558 --> 00:16:09,874 U-S-A! 369 00:16:09,876 --> 00:16:10,925 U-S... 370 00:16:10,927 --> 00:16:13,061 Stop it. 371 00:16:13,063 --> 00:16:14,896 Just no part of it felt right. 372 00:16:14,898 --> 00:16:17,181 At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough. 373 00:16:17,183 --> 00:16:19,216 Where do you look during sex? 374 00:16:19,218 --> 00:16:21,853 Um, into the hidden camera at future me watching it. 375 00:16:23,856 --> 00:16:25,106 Okay. Wait. How does 376 00:16:25,108 --> 00:16:27,358 saying "I want to break up with you" lead into sex? 377 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,662 I didn't say "I want to break up with you," exactly. 378 00:16:30,664 --> 00:16:32,280 What did you say, exactly? 379 00:16:34,416 --> 00:16:35,533 "I love you." 380 00:16:35,535 --> 00:16:38,069 Classic Schmosby. 381 00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:43,625 Marshall, this house wants you so bad. 382 00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:46,044 "Mow my lawn. 383 00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:47,679 "Rake my leaves. 384 00:16:47,681 --> 00:16:49,547 Winterize my pipes"" 385 00:16:49,549 --> 00:16:50,715 Yes! 386 00:16:50,717 --> 00:16:52,383 Yes! I'm coming... 387 00:16:52,385 --> 00:16:54,085 to terms with this decision! 388 00:16:54,087 --> 00:16:56,020 Oh! 389 00:16:56,022 --> 00:16:57,889 Trick or treat! 390 00:16:57,891 --> 00:16:58,606 Yay! 391 00:16:58,608 --> 00:17:00,808 Okay. 392 00:17:01,610 --> 00:17:03,895 Oh. 393 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,229 Happy Halloween. 394 00:17:07,483 --> 00:17:10,151 - Lily. - Yeah? 395 00:17:10,153 --> 00:17:11,619 You just gave those children 396 00:17:11,621 --> 00:17:14,772 a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors, 397 00:17:14,774 --> 00:17:17,075 and a pretty decent Pinot Noir. 398 00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:18,459 I did? 399 00:17:19,378 --> 00:17:21,329 Oh, my God. 400 00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:25,166 I'm going to miss that stapler so much. 401 00:17:27,586 --> 00:17:30,722 I'm not doing so great, am I? 402 00:17:30,724 --> 00:17:32,757 Maybe not. 403 00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:37,595 We shouldn't make any huge life decisions 404 00:17:37,597 --> 00:17:39,230 right now, should we? 405 00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:44,068 Hey, look, I love you and I-I love the idea of raising 406 00:17:44,070 --> 00:17:46,154 our kids with a lawn and a white picket fence, 407 00:17:46,156 --> 00:17:48,305 but we have our whole lives to decide when 408 00:17:48,307 --> 00:17:50,608 and if we want to do that. 409 00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:52,810 Do what? 410 00:17:52,812 --> 00:17:55,363 Let's get you home. 411 00:18:00,753 --> 00:18:02,420 Ooh. 412 00:18:02,422 --> 00:18:04,989 That's for the stapler! 413 00:18:04,991 --> 00:18:07,158 I hate the suburbs. 414 00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:11,713 Naomi... 415 00:18:11,715 --> 00:18:13,330 We have to end this. 416 00:18:13,332 --> 00:18:14,331 W-- huh? 417 00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:15,967 I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me 418 00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:18,352 really honest. 419 00:18:18,354 --> 00:18:23,191 Ted... I know you're super into me. 420 00:18:24,143 --> 00:18:25,643 But we are terrible together. 421 00:18:25,645 --> 00:18:27,311 Wait, what? 422 00:18:27,313 --> 00:18:31,649 I've been trying, saying things felt good that didn't just to... 423 00:18:33,235 --> 00:18:36,120 I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but... 424 00:18:37,956 --> 00:18:40,625 ...it always felt off. 425 00:18:43,046 --> 00:18:46,130 Why won't he stop sniffing my hair? 426 00:18:46,132 --> 00:18:47,632 And what's up with the hand holding? 427 00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:51,302 It's like he's trying to win a thumb war. 428 00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:54,538 Ted, this is our song. 429 00:18:54,540 --> 00:18:57,225 Oh, no, he thinks I'm actually into this song. 430 00:18:57,227 --> 00:18:59,343 Does he not get sarcasm? 431 00:18:59,345 --> 00:19:02,313 Let's make love to this song. 432 00:19:02,315 --> 00:19:03,648 I'll just be even more ridiculous 433 00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:05,650 to make it clear it's a joke. 434 00:19:05,652 --> 00:19:07,568 ♪ Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken... ♪ 435 00:19:07,570 --> 00:19:08,820 I... 436 00:19:08,822 --> 00:19:10,988 Uh-oh, where you going with this, buddy? 437 00:19:10,990 --> 00:19:12,106 ...love... 438 00:19:12,108 --> 00:19:13,390 Nope, too soon. 439 00:19:13,392 --> 00:19:15,777 Say basset hounds, Pretzel Crisps, anything but... 440 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:17,077 ...you. 441 00:19:17,102 --> 00:19:18,944 Oh, God, just kiss him before he proposes. 442 00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,001 Ted, I've been looking for the Hot Hanging Chad 443 00:19:24,003 --> 00:19:26,621 for the last nine Halloweens. 444 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:28,456 I've waded through a sweaty parade 445 00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,842 of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, 446 00:19:30,844 --> 00:19:32,844 Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass 447 00:19:32,846 --> 00:19:34,679 who always dresses as laundry. 448 00:19:34,681 --> 00:19:36,047 Oh, I hate that guy. 449 00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:38,766 That's why, once I finally found you... 450 00:19:39,635 --> 00:19:42,937 ...it was hard to let you go. 451 00:19:44,139 --> 00:19:45,773 Good-bye, Ted. 452 00:19:49,761 --> 00:19:52,530 Let's just not touch ever again. 453 00:19:52,532 --> 00:19:53,481 Probably a good idea, yeah. 454 00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,533 Okay. 455 00:19:55,535 --> 00:19:58,202 Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl, 456 00:19:58,204 --> 00:20:01,122 I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met 457 00:20:01,124 --> 00:20:03,491 to be the real thing. 458 00:20:05,577 --> 00:20:09,664 Yeah, I don't know, Barney, she doesn't seem like my type. 459 00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:12,049 I will kill you. 460 00:20:12,051 --> 00:20:13,384 I'll see what I can do. 461 00:20:35,140 --> 00:20:37,858 Oh, hey there, I'm Barney, how are you? 462 00:20:37,860 --> 00:20:41,162 No, I'm Barney. 463 00:20:43,365 --> 00:20:44,498 Whoa. 464 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,450 You pack quite a wallop there. 465 00:20:46,452 --> 00:20:48,485 Hope you didn't hurt your hand. 466 00:20:48,487 --> 00:20:51,321 Why are you so nice? 467 00:20:52,825 --> 00:20:54,825 Oh, sorry about my thick noodle there. 468 00:20:54,827 --> 00:20:57,378 How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? 469 00:20:57,380 --> 00:21:00,047 Holy Zamboni. 470 00:21:00,049 --> 00:21:01,932 Wow, you really put your weight behind that one. 471 00:21:01,934 --> 00:21:03,434 That was a really good one. 472 00:21:04,643 --> 00:21:07,526 Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that was a real Chiclet rattler.