1 00:00:01,008 --> 00:00:03,178 Kids, in the spring of 2012, 2 00:00:03,180 --> 00:00:05,830 your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks. 3 00:00:05,835 --> 00:00:07,506 So I was relieved when I got a text 4 00:00:07,524 --> 00:00:09,191 asking me to come over to his place. 5 00:00:09,492 --> 00:00:11,125 Glad to hear from you, buddy. 6 00:00:11,174 --> 00:00:14,091 I was worried something bad happened... 7 00:00:14,663 --> 00:00:15,780 to you. 8 00:00:15,946 --> 00:00:17,478 Welcome, brother. 9 00:00:17,621 --> 00:00:18,582 What is this? 10 00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:21,105 Ted Evelyn Mosby, 11 00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:23,668 you are about to be sworn to secrecy 12 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,598 through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath, 13 00:00:26,723 --> 00:00:29,007 or "Broath." 14 00:00:30,142 --> 00:00:33,277 Please, put on your "brobe." 15 00:00:33,279 --> 00:00:35,446 Yeah, I'm not putting on the "brobe." 16 00:00:35,448 --> 00:00:37,148 Ted, just... 17 00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,600 just... Okay? 18 00:00:39,602 --> 00:00:42,625 ♪ Broooo... ♪ 19 00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:45,455 Wait, are they chanting "bro"? 20 00:00:45,496 --> 00:00:46,754 ♪ Bro... ♪ 21 00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:48,496 I got some local monks to record this. 22 00:00:48,497 --> 00:00:50,130 Yeah! I got a monk guy. 23 00:00:50,345 --> 00:00:51,344 Cool, right? 24 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,634 It actually is, yeah. 25 00:00:52,676 --> 00:00:53,697 I'll burn it for you. 26 00:00:53,698 --> 00:00:54,988 Just remind me after The Broath. 27 00:00:55,268 --> 00:00:58,215 Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby, 28 00:00:58,471 --> 00:01:03,479 this ritual forever binds you to keep a solemn secret... 29 00:01:03,651 --> 00:01:04,792 Which is? 30 00:01:04,792 --> 00:01:06,425 I really like this Quinn girl! 31 00:01:06,493 --> 00:01:08,360 We've been spending tons of time together, 32 00:01:08,391 --> 00:01:09,838 and I want the gang to meet her. 33 00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:11,629 But I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, 34 00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:15,126 - well, you know. - I did know. You see, 35 00:01:15,488 --> 00:01:17,121 Quinn was a stripper... 36 00:01:17,123 --> 00:01:20,073 who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash. 37 00:01:20,073 --> 00:01:21,878 We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's, 38 00:01:21,904 --> 00:01:23,587 and I want them to keep an open mind, 39 00:01:23,588 --> 00:01:25,071 which brings us to The Broath. 40 00:01:25,313 --> 00:01:28,042 Place your hand on The Bro Code. 41 00:01:28,068 --> 00:01:29,784 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 42 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,956 Repeat after me. 43 00:01:31,985 --> 00:01:35,704 I, Ted Evelyn Mosby... 44 00:01:36,042 --> 00:01:39,958 "I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby..." 45 00:01:40,296 --> 00:01:42,757 solemnly swear not to tell our friends 46 00:01:42,757 --> 00:01:44,156 that Quinn is a stripper. 47 00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:46,103 "...solemnly swear not to tell our friends 48 00:01:46,104 --> 00:01:49,154 that Quinn is a stripper" who duped you out of lots of money. 49 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,763 You're only supposed to repeat after me. 50 00:01:50,764 --> 00:01:52,307 "You're only supposed to repeat after me." 51 00:01:52,308 --> 00:01:53,277 - Stop it. - Stop it. 52 00:01:53,278 --> 00:01:55,433 Silence! 53 00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:58,435 Look, I know that things started out sketchy 54 00:01:58,437 --> 00:02:00,771 with me and Quinn, but I really like her, so please. 55 00:02:01,139 --> 00:02:02,593 Do you, 56 00:02:02,674 --> 00:02:06,944 Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby, 57 00:02:06,946 --> 00:02:10,197 swear to uphold this Broath? 58 00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,416 I do. 59 00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:15,452 Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money! 60 00:02:15,476 --> 00:02:23,476 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 61 00:02:28,318 --> 00:02:30,638 Okay, time to go to Quinn's. Now remember, 62 00:02:30,638 --> 00:02:31,846 I told you nothing, okay? 63 00:02:31,923 --> 00:02:33,840 Barney really wants us all to like her. 64 00:02:33,841 --> 00:02:34,944 But how can we? 65 00:02:34,945 --> 00:02:37,787 Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it. 66 00:02:37,788 --> 00:02:40,086 Well, apparently, the sex is mind-blowing. 67 00:02:40,086 --> 00:02:42,785 Ha, I've been there. Yeah. 68 00:02:42,834 --> 00:02:44,467 I was once with this chick 69 00:02:44,469 --> 00:02:47,303 who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh, whipped cream, 70 00:02:47,305 --> 00:02:50,070 a dog collar and a hot pink thong. 71 00:02:50,088 --> 00:02:51,203 Marshall, 72 00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:52,602 you can't tell sex stories 73 00:02:52,637 --> 00:02:54,208 about "this chick," because 74 00:02:54,209 --> 00:02:55,614 everyone knows it's me. 75 00:02:55,614 --> 00:02:57,364 I'm the only woman you've ever been with. 76 00:02:57,381 --> 00:03:00,216 It's not fair, the guys are always telling their sex stories 77 00:03:00,218 --> 00:03:01,818 and I can top every one of them. 78 00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:05,021 Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one. 79 00:03:05,023 --> 00:03:07,273 Sweet talk is not going to change my mind. 80 00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:09,558 Let's focus. 81 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:10,910 Tonight, we want to make sure 82 00:03:10,912 --> 00:03:13,162 that Quinn is not out to scam Barney. 83 00:03:13,164 --> 00:03:15,248 So, when we walk back through that door 84 00:03:15,250 --> 00:03:17,617 three hours from now, we should all be able 85 00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:19,836 to answer one simple question: 86 00:03:21,839 --> 00:03:24,006 Do we trust this girl? 87 00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:25,208 Well, for one thing, 88 00:03:25,210 --> 00:03:27,093 she seems kind of controlling. 89 00:03:28,345 --> 00:03:30,246 Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face? 90 00:03:30,248 --> 00:03:31,631 No, save it for dessert. 91 00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:33,049 Idiot. 92 00:03:34,936 --> 00:03:36,969 Uh, ah... 93 00:03:36,971 --> 00:03:39,055 More red wine, beauty-swan? 94 00:03:39,057 --> 00:03:41,590 She drinks a lot. 95 00:03:42,376 --> 00:03:44,193 Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb? 96 00:03:44,195 --> 00:03:45,261 No! 97 00:03:45,263 --> 00:03:46,929 You just went three hours ago. 98 00:03:46,931 --> 00:03:48,898 You're right, baby bear! 99 00:03:52,704 --> 00:03:55,071 Yes, so Barney's whipped; It doesn't mean 100 00:03:55,073 --> 00:03:57,156 that Quinn is a con artist. 101 00:03:57,158 --> 00:03:59,608 Well, maybe we could've gotten a better read on her 102 00:03:59,610 --> 00:04:02,295 if two people hadn't gone off topic. 103 00:04:02,297 --> 00:04:04,831 By the way, Quinn, your apartment is amazing. 104 00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:06,448 Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. 105 00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:08,718 I'm actually moving out soon. 106 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,503 If you know anyone looking for a sublet, 107 00:04:10,505 --> 00:04:11,471 this place is rent-controlled. 108 00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:13,139 You would not believe what I pay. 109 00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,957 Kids, things have been tense 110 00:04:14,959 --> 00:04:16,592 between Robin and I for weeks. 111 00:04:16,594 --> 00:04:18,311 Ever since she moved out, 112 00:04:18,313 --> 00:04:20,897 and I gave the apartment to Marshall and Lily, 113 00:04:20,899 --> 00:04:23,483 I'd been crashing in university housing. 114 00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,651 It's 10:00, damn it. 115 00:04:25,653 --> 00:04:27,136 Ned, Martin and Millie, 116 00:04:27,138 --> 00:04:28,804 people are trying to sleep! 117 00:04:28,806 --> 00:04:31,908 Hey, you were young like us once, right? 118 00:04:31,910 --> 00:04:35,278 I was never like you guys. 119 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,498 And Robin was staying with her coworker, Patrice. 120 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,249 You seem so down today, Robin. 121 00:04:40,251 --> 00:04:41,701 I made you cookies. 122 00:04:41,703 --> 00:04:44,320 Damn it, Patrice, stop smothering me! 123 00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,007 So, when Quinn said her apartment was available... 124 00:04:49,993 --> 00:04:51,294 It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! 125 00:04:51,296 --> 00:04:52,428 Dibs! Dibs! Dibs! 126 00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:55,431 We got off topic? What about Marshall? 127 00:04:55,433 --> 00:04:57,133 Hey, I was just going along with 128 00:04:57,135 --> 00:04:59,352 whoever suggested we play that game. 129 00:04:59,354 --> 00:05:00,636 Hey, let's play a game! 130 00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:03,222 Uh, craziest sex-in-public story; I'll start. 131 00:05:03,224 --> 00:05:05,024 I was once with this chick 132 00:05:05,026 --> 00:05:07,443 who loved to get freaky in elevators. 133 00:05:07,445 --> 00:05:08,844 Doors would close; Suddenly, 134 00:05:08,846 --> 00:05:12,064 she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat. 135 00:05:14,251 --> 00:05:16,152 Marshall, stop. 136 00:05:16,154 --> 00:05:17,737 I never said that it was you. 137 00:05:17,739 --> 00:05:19,739 Okay, so anyway, last August, 138 00:05:19,741 --> 00:05:21,958 I go bareback with this same slut. 139 00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,911 She get's pregnant; Bitch is even hornier. 140 00:05:25,729 --> 00:05:27,696 Oh, yeah? I was once with this dude 141 00:05:27,698 --> 00:05:29,832 who I caught eating a sandwich during sex. 142 00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:31,300 Big ol' meatball 143 00:05:31,302 --> 00:05:33,302 falls out, lands on my back, 144 00:05:33,304 --> 00:05:35,537 rolls on to the elevator floor. 145 00:05:35,539 --> 00:05:37,706 Hmm. Disgusting, right? 146 00:05:38,392 --> 00:05:41,477 What, I never said it was you. 147 00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:44,680 Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser-focused as you guys. 148 00:05:44,682 --> 00:05:47,049 Hey, at least I got some evidence. 149 00:05:47,051 --> 00:05:49,652 Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom. 150 00:05:49,654 --> 00:05:51,571 Barney's taking her to Hawaii. 151 00:05:51,573 --> 00:05:53,489 Lily, you snooped through her stuff? 152 00:05:53,491 --> 00:05:55,775 No. It's like the first thing you see 153 00:05:55,777 --> 00:05:58,494 when you jimmy open her desk drawer with a letter opener 154 00:05:58,496 --> 00:06:01,230 her grandfather left her, according to her diary. 155 00:06:01,232 --> 00:06:02,665 First-class tickets, 156 00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:05,034 a four-star hotel-- this cost Barney a fortune. 157 00:06:05,036 --> 00:06:08,737 Yeah, this proves that Quinn is totally using him for his money. 158 00:06:08,739 --> 00:06:10,239 You know what Lily, enough. 159 00:06:10,241 --> 00:06:12,741 Guys, even if you're right about Quinn, this is Barney. 160 00:06:12,743 --> 00:06:13,876 He'll come to his senses. 161 00:06:13,878 --> 00:06:16,379 I give this whole thing a week, two weeks, tops. 162 00:06:16,381 --> 00:06:18,764 And now, we have an announcement. 163 00:06:18,766 --> 00:06:19,548 Can I tell them? 164 00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:21,217 No. 165 00:06:21,219 --> 00:06:22,385 We're moving in together We're m... 166 00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:26,105 Congrats! That's great. So happy for you. 167 00:06:26,107 --> 00:06:27,756 We gotta end this. 168 00:06:27,758 --> 00:06:29,792 Yup. 169 00:06:32,958 --> 00:06:34,491 Kids, as you'll recall, 170 00:06:34,564 --> 00:06:37,348 our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know 171 00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:39,133 they were making a mistake. 172 00:06:40,908 --> 00:06:42,183 Where have you been? 173 00:06:42,339 --> 00:06:44,247 Oh, worth it. Hang on. 174 00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,058 Hey. 175 00:06:52,818 --> 00:06:55,053 You know we would've hated ourselves, right? 176 00:06:57,204 --> 00:06:58,153 So, 177 00:06:58,153 --> 00:07:01,121 did Robin tell you the incredibly devious thing she did today? 178 00:07:01,196 --> 00:07:02,379 Me?! 179 00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:05,760 Hey, so I just happened to be in the neighborhood 180 00:07:05,761 --> 00:07:08,502 and I thought, "Man, Quinn is in such great shape, 181 00:07:08,502 --> 00:07:10,368 she must love fruit." 182 00:07:11,455 --> 00:07:12,910 So, unrelated, 183 00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:14,660 how's the search for a sub-letter going? 184 00:07:15,008 --> 00:07:18,321 This is such a weird coincidence! 185 00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,704 Robin also "just happened" to be in the neighborhood 186 00:07:20,705 --> 00:07:24,187 with a bottle of wine and her credit scores. 187 00:07:30,690 --> 00:07:32,307 I can't believe you two. 188 00:07:32,309 --> 00:07:34,609 What do you care about more, protecting your friend 189 00:07:34,611 --> 00:07:37,395 from getting hurt or scoring this girl's apartment? 190 00:07:37,397 --> 00:07:38,980 There's a working fireplace! 191 00:07:38,982 --> 00:07:41,733 Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong! 192 00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:43,568 You guys should be ashamed. 193 00:07:43,570 --> 00:07:45,370 Speaking of shame, 194 00:07:45,372 --> 00:07:47,939 I was once with this chick who liked to do hand stuff 195 00:07:47,941 --> 00:07:49,657 underneath a jacket while we were all 196 00:07:49,659 --> 00:07:51,459 sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's. 197 00:07:51,461 --> 00:07:52,627 Gross. 198 00:07:52,629 --> 00:07:54,462 We share appetizers. 199 00:07:54,464 --> 00:07:57,215 Okay, well, I was once with a dude 200 00:07:57,217 --> 00:07:59,784 who couldn't even fantasize about a three-way. 201 00:07:59,786 --> 00:08:02,087 He was all, "Ew, she's your best friend." 202 00:08:02,089 --> 00:08:03,054 What now? 203 00:08:03,056 --> 00:08:04,472 I was once with a chick who wanted 204 00:08:04,474 --> 00:08:07,559 to get it on during a school production of Peter Pan. 205 00:08:07,561 --> 00:08:09,611 Well, I... Wait, that wasn't me. 206 00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,724 So, back to Patrice and this ironing issue... 207 00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:15,425 I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with. 208 00:08:15,476 --> 00:08:16,892 Anything serious. 209 00:08:16,941 --> 00:08:18,642 Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me getting 210 00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:21,776 to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli. 211 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:25,086 Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby. 212 00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:27,424 What's going on? 213 00:08:28,337 --> 00:08:31,185 Barney, this in an intervention. 214 00:08:33,139 --> 00:08:34,973 A "Quinntervention." 215 00:08:35,709 --> 00:08:39,004 You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her. 216 00:08:39,137 --> 00:08:41,171 We're just looking out for your best interests. 217 00:08:44,264 --> 00:08:46,490 "Quinn-terests." 218 00:08:46,632 --> 00:08:48,865 I don't understand. Wh... 219 00:08:49,102 --> 00:08:50,734 Wait a sec. 220 00:08:50,734 --> 00:08:53,249 Ted Evelyn Mosby... 221 00:08:53,273 --> 00:08:55,890 you broke The Broath. 222 00:08:55,892 --> 00:08:57,475 How dare you?! 223 00:08:57,477 --> 00:09:01,813 A Broath is the most sacred bond between-- okay, yeah, I did. 224 00:09:01,815 --> 00:09:04,682 Are you aware that breaking a Broath 225 00:09:04,684 --> 00:09:08,486 can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? 226 00:09:08,488 --> 00:09:10,522 Have you studied history, Ted? 227 00:09:10,524 --> 00:09:12,190 Extensively. But I'm a little shaky 228 00:09:12,192 --> 00:09:13,524 on fake history, so... 229 00:09:13,526 --> 00:09:15,406 The tragic cost of a broken Broath 230 00:09:15,431 --> 00:09:16,045 Uh-huh. 231 00:09:16,046 --> 00:09:19,881 Dates back to Ancient Bro-man times... 232 00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:23,802 Hey, Bro-tus, 233 00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:26,221 you'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes 234 00:09:26,223 --> 00:09:28,640 were conspiring to assassinate me, right? 235 00:09:28,642 --> 00:09:32,060 Um, totally, Caesar. 236 00:09:32,062 --> 00:09:34,479 Paranoid much? 237 00:09:34,481 --> 00:09:36,714 Just to be sure, 238 00:09:36,716 --> 00:09:39,067 can you swear a Broath to me? 239 00:09:39,069 --> 00:09:41,352 Sure. I swear. 240 00:09:41,354 --> 00:09:43,721 Thanks. 241 00:09:43,723 --> 00:09:45,940 You've always got my back. 242 00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:09,547 Et tu, Bro-te? 243 00:10:13,669 --> 00:10:16,437 And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks 244 00:10:16,439 --> 00:10:18,606 and invented a salad. 245 00:10:18,608 --> 00:10:20,091 True story. 246 00:10:20,093 --> 00:10:23,194 Well, Quinn lied to you; She manipulated you. 247 00:10:23,196 --> 00:10:24,863 What if she's just using you? 248 00:10:24,865 --> 00:10:26,281 She's not just using me. 249 00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,099 What about the expensive trip to Hawaii? 250 00:10:28,101 --> 00:10:30,702 What expensive trip to Hawaii? 251 00:10:30,704 --> 00:10:33,037 The one I got for you. 252 00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:36,124 That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney. 253 00:10:36,126 --> 00:10:38,576 He asked me to meet him here. 254 00:10:38,578 --> 00:10:40,945 What's going on, you guys? 255 00:10:40,947 --> 00:10:42,797 Tell her. 256 00:10:43,883 --> 00:10:46,117 Fine, I'll fill her in. 257 00:10:46,119 --> 00:10:48,253 And I am so angry, 258 00:10:48,255 --> 00:10:51,422 I'm not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in." 259 00:10:51,424 --> 00:10:53,808 Which I did three times last night, self-five. 260 00:10:53,810 --> 00:10:56,477 My friends think you're wrong for me, 261 00:10:56,479 --> 00:10:58,429 so they're having an intervention. 262 00:11:00,984 --> 00:11:03,434 A "Quinntervention." 263 00:11:03,436 --> 00:11:04,761 I don't understand. 264 00:11:04,762 --> 00:11:07,209 Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so... 265 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:08,876 I'll explain. 266 00:11:09,526 --> 00:11:13,745 I made Ted promise not to tell them what you do, but he did, 267 00:11:13,747 --> 00:11:15,446 and now they don't trust you. 268 00:11:15,448 --> 00:11:18,950 Wow, that really hurts. 269 00:11:18,952 --> 00:11:20,134 But what's even worse 270 00:11:20,136 --> 00:11:23,321 is that you felt the need to lie about me. 271 00:11:23,323 --> 00:11:25,623 I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney, 272 00:11:25,625 --> 00:11:27,658 but you clearly are. 273 00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:28,843 I'm not ashamed of you. 274 00:11:28,845 --> 00:11:31,095 I just didn't want them to judge you without... 275 00:11:31,097 --> 00:11:32,931 Maybe we are moving too fast. 276 00:11:32,933 --> 00:11:34,999 What? What is that supposed to mean? 277 00:11:35,001 --> 00:11:36,968 I don't think I can do this. 278 00:11:36,970 --> 00:11:40,355 Wait, are you ending things just like that? 279 00:11:40,357 --> 00:11:43,641 If you walk out that door, you prove them right. 280 00:11:43,643 --> 00:11:45,526 You prove that you're just some heartless stripper 281 00:11:45,528 --> 00:11:47,795 who never gave a damn about me in the... 282 00:11:50,015 --> 00:11:52,350 Don't call me. 283 00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:58,366 Wow. That was intense. 284 00:12:06,581 --> 00:12:09,066 We just destroyed what could have been 285 00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:11,760 a once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness. 286 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,060 I know. I feel guilty, too. 287 00:12:14,223 --> 00:12:16,757 Fireplace, balcony, 288 00:12:16,758 --> 00:12:18,291 hardwood floors... 289 00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,010 Okay, I'll just say it: 290 00:12:20,229 --> 00:12:21,829 After everything that happened between us, 291 00:12:21,831 --> 00:12:22,880 I can't believe you wouldn't 292 00:12:22,882 --> 00:12:25,332 back down and let me have Quinn's place. 293 00:12:25,789 --> 00:12:28,068 Ted, can I talk to you out in the hall? 294 00:12:30,713 --> 00:12:32,383 Has it ever occurred to you 295 00:12:32,383 --> 00:12:35,334 that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? 296 00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:38,963 In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, 297 00:12:38,964 --> 00:12:41,847 I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment. 298 00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:44,147 And-and now I'm about to lose my job. 299 00:12:44,261 --> 00:12:45,175 What do you mean? 300 00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:49,014 I-I've been completely distracted at work. 301 00:12:49,303 --> 00:12:52,045 And now my boss wants to see me Friday at 5:00, 302 00:12:52,045 --> 00:12:55,743 which, around the office, is known as "fire o'clock." 303 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,849 I had no idea. 304 00:12:57,851 --> 00:12:59,117 How could you? 305 00:12:59,119 --> 00:13:02,437 The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me 306 00:13:02,439 --> 00:13:05,040 in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. 307 00:13:05,042 --> 00:13:08,493 Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me. 308 00:13:08,495 --> 00:13:12,313 And I-I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, 309 00:13:12,315 --> 00:13:13,915 but... 310 00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:17,852 Damn it, th-this sucks for me, too. 311 00:13:17,854 --> 00:13:20,588 And I-I miss you. 312 00:13:21,690 --> 00:13:26,995 Is there any way we can just... go back to normal? 313 00:13:26,997 --> 00:13:32,434 I don't think I can do normal anymore. 314 00:13:34,171 --> 00:13:37,806 Barney still isn't answering. 315 00:13:37,808 --> 00:13:40,675 We gotta go find him and apologize. 316 00:13:43,346 --> 00:13:46,865 Oh. I thought you were Quinn. 317 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,117 Barney, we're so sorry. 318 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,185 We never should've meddled like that. 319 00:13:51,187 --> 00:13:52,954 Can you forgive us? I don't know. 320 00:13:52,956 --> 00:13:54,739 You had no right to do that. 321 00:13:54,741 --> 00:13:56,541 How can we make it up to you, buddy? 322 00:13:58,578 --> 00:14:02,330 I, one of Barney's best friends... 323 00:14:02,332 --> 00:14:05,166 "I, one of Barney's best friends..." 324 00:14:05,168 --> 00:14:08,920 promise never to interfere with his personal life again... 325 00:14:08,922 --> 00:14:13,158 "...promise never to interfere with his personal life again..." 326 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,761 unless it's an issue of health, national security, 327 00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:18,563 or he's about to get up on a fattie. 328 00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:23,050 "...unless it's an issue of health, national security, 329 00:14:23,052 --> 00:14:26,053 or he's about to get up on a fattie." 330 00:14:26,055 --> 00:14:30,442 And now, to seal this sacred vow, 331 00:14:30,444 --> 00:14:32,243 the two ladies will kiss. Barney... 332 00:14:32,245 --> 00:14:35,062 The two ladies will kiss! 333 00:14:38,784 --> 00:14:40,335 Mmm. 334 00:14:41,570 --> 00:14:42,904 Lil... 335 00:14:42,906 --> 00:14:44,456 Okay. 336 00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:45,740 And now the gentlemen. 337 00:14:45,742 --> 00:14:47,008 Dude... 338 00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:49,377 And now the gentlemen! 339 00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:53,765 Let's just... This is silly. 340 00:14:55,684 --> 00:14:58,019 Don't-don't touch my face. 341 00:15:01,690 --> 00:15:02,924 I was going to say, 342 00:15:02,926 --> 00:15:04,592 "And now the gentlemen bump fists." 343 00:15:04,594 --> 00:15:06,394 How long you been holding back that one? 344 00:15:06,396 --> 00:15:09,647 Hot stuff, fellas. 345 00:15:09,649 --> 00:15:11,683 Did I see a little tongue in there? 346 00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:14,285 I don't understand. 347 00:15:14,287 --> 00:15:15,537 Well, if these two 348 00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:17,622 will keep their sweaty paws off each other 349 00:15:17,624 --> 00:15:18,873 for half a second, I'll explain. 350 00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:20,775 It all started a couple days ago... 351 00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:22,443 I want you to meet my friends. 352 00:15:22,445 --> 00:15:24,045 Should I be nervous? 353 00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:25,964 Is it like bringing me home to meet your parents? 354 00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,081 No, no, no. 355 00:15:27,083 --> 00:15:28,616 Much more stressful than that. 356 00:15:28,618 --> 00:15:31,052 You see, my friends, while awesome, can be presumptuous, 357 00:15:31,054 --> 00:15:33,388 meddlesome and downright destructive. 358 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,807 When they learn what you do and how we met, 359 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,258 they'll probably try to break us up. 360 00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,477 So let's have some fun with them. 361 00:15:39,479 --> 00:15:40,962 Mess with their heads. 362 00:15:40,964 --> 00:15:44,098 Are you saying... evil plan? 363 00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:45,733 Hells to the yes. 364 00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:47,936 My God, you're hot. 365 00:15:47,938 --> 00:15:48,970 Wait for it. 366 00:15:48,972 --> 00:15:50,655 Here's what we do. 367 00:15:50,657 --> 00:15:53,992 I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone what he knows about you, 368 00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:55,643 and he'll cave immediately. 369 00:15:55,645 --> 00:15:57,729 Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money! 370 00:15:57,731 --> 00:15:59,731 Next, we invite everyone over. 371 00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,333 Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face? 372 00:16:02,335 --> 00:16:03,835 - And I'll be the bossy- 373 00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,371 No, save it for dessert, idiot. 374 00:16:06,373 --> 00:16:07,655 Nice. 375 00:16:07,657 --> 00:16:09,040 And, finally, we'll announce... 376 00:16:09,042 --> 00:16:10,608 We're moving in together! 377 00:16:10,610 --> 00:16:11,960 I've got an idea. 378 00:16:11,962 --> 00:16:13,628 Let's get your friends Ted and Robin 379 00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:14,929 fighting over my apartment. 380 00:16:14,931 --> 00:16:16,998 Wait, what does that have to do with you and me? 381 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,516 Nothing. I just worship chaos. 382 00:16:18,518 --> 00:16:20,351 I can't handle how hot you are right now. 383 00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:22,554 Wait for it. Next, 384 00:16:22,556 --> 00:16:25,223 they'll try to talk me into dumping you. 385 00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:26,507 And I'll walk in on it. 386 00:16:26,509 --> 00:16:27,442 Then we pretend to break up. 387 00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,060 And when they crawl back, 388 00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:30,428 begging for forgiveness... 389 00:16:30,430 --> 00:16:32,564 I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook. 390 00:16:32,566 --> 00:16:35,033 Or make the monkeys dance for you. 391 00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,985 God, you're smart! 392 00:16:36,987 --> 00:16:39,454 It's gonna be legen... 393 00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:42,240 I'm not waiting for it anymore. Mmm... 394 00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:44,392 dary. 395 00:16:45,711 --> 00:16:48,029 My God, you two are... 396 00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:49,547 Perfect together. 397 00:16:49,549 --> 00:16:51,499 So you're not really moving in? 398 00:16:51,501 --> 00:16:53,051 Well, it started out as a joke, 399 00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,836 but the more we talked about it... 400 00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:56,387 The more excited we got. 401 00:16:56,389 --> 00:16:58,706 So, yeah, we are. 402 00:16:58,708 --> 00:17:01,809 You have anything to say about that? 403 00:17:01,811 --> 00:17:04,729 So happy for you. Congratulations. 404 00:17:06,649 --> 00:17:07,815 Thank you. 405 00:17:07,817 --> 00:17:09,317 Thank you. 406 00:17:10,102 --> 00:17:12,186 You two realize this means 407 00:17:12,188 --> 00:17:14,505 my apartment really is up for grabs, right? 408 00:17:15,908 --> 00:17:17,859 I'm sure I'll find something else. 409 00:17:17,861 --> 00:17:19,527 - Me, too. - Yeah. 410 00:17:19,529 --> 00:17:23,164 And that's the story of how we met Quinn. 411 00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:27,168 That Friday, I met Robin to see how it went at "fire o'clock." 412 00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:30,404 They promoted me to on-air talent. 413 00:17:30,406 --> 00:17:32,406 I'm gonna be Sandy Rivers' new co-host. 414 00:17:32,408 --> 00:17:33,741 Oh, my God! 415 00:17:33,743 --> 00:17:34,909 How'd that happen? 416 00:17:34,911 --> 00:17:35,960 Remember New Year's Eve? 417 00:17:35,962 --> 00:17:38,412 When I filled in for Sandy, it turns out 418 00:17:38,414 --> 00:17:40,748 the C.E.O. of World Wide News liked me. 419 00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:42,249 He said I have "moxie." 420 00:17:42,251 --> 00:17:44,052 So he's a 1940s gangster? 421 00:17:44,054 --> 00:17:45,419 Apparently. 422 00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:48,255 And I got a big raise, 423 00:17:48,257 --> 00:17:51,693 so I'm taking this apartment on Central Park West, 424 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:52,777 which means... 425 00:17:52,779 --> 00:17:54,145 Quinn's apartment. 426 00:17:54,147 --> 00:17:55,546 I already told her you'd take it. 427 00:17:55,548 --> 00:17:59,117 Wow. Thanks. 428 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:00,118 Yeah. 429 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,435 Hey, and congrats. 430 00:18:01,437 --> 00:18:03,187 You deserve it all. 431 00:18:04,273 --> 00:18:08,776 You know, I've been thinking about it, and... 432 00:18:08,778 --> 00:18:10,294 I can do normal. 433 00:18:10,296 --> 00:18:12,330 To back to normal. 434 00:18:12,332 --> 00:18:13,164 To back to normal. 435 00:18:21,590 --> 00:18:25,126 Uh... I-I should get going. Yeah. 436 00:18:25,128 --> 00:18:26,561 You've got a lot to do. Totally. 437 00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:27,962 So... Um, see you soon. 438 00:18:27,964 --> 00:18:28,796 See you soon. 439 00:18:28,798 --> 00:18:30,297 Yeah. 440 00:18:30,299 --> 00:18:32,600 We wouldn't see each other for a long time. 441 00:18:32,602 --> 00:18:35,636 But I'll get to that. 442 00:18:35,638 --> 00:18:37,438 Listen, um... 443 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,141 about me getting to second base in tenth grade 444 00:18:40,143 --> 00:18:41,475 with Jenna Cristalli... 445 00:18:41,477 --> 00:18:42,994 I don't know what you're talking about. 446 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:45,496 I've already forgotten about that dumb hobag. 447 00:18:45,498 --> 00:18:49,316 Yeah, um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan. 448 00:18:49,318 --> 00:18:53,320 It happened while I was playing Peter Pan. 449 00:18:53,322 --> 00:18:56,591 Here's a photo from the day I was cast. 450 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:58,826 That's me in the middle. 451 00:18:58,828 --> 00:19:00,828 But then I had my growth spurt. 452 00:19:00,830 --> 00:19:04,182 By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness, 453 00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,350 and, well... 454 00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:12,807 I fell hands-first right onto Jenna Cristalli. 455 00:19:12,809 --> 00:19:15,893 The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists. 456 00:19:15,895 --> 00:19:17,311 I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted 457 00:19:17,313 --> 00:19:19,781 to have one cool sex story that wasn't you. 458 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:23,067 Okay. Next time you tell it, you were in your dad's car, 459 00:19:23,069 --> 00:19:26,204 which you stole to go to a Metallica concert, 460 00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:30,374 and you got to third base with that slut. 461 00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:34,996 I was once with this chick... 462 00:19:34,998 --> 00:19:38,783 who is just the best wife ever. 463 00:19:42,254 --> 00:19:44,555 Thank you for being so cool about what I do. 464 00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:46,591 A lot of guys would be weird or jealous. 465 00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:47,725 Are you kidding? 466 00:19:47,727 --> 00:19:50,044 Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil! 467 00:19:54,266 --> 00:19:55,566 I mean, if you ever 468 00:19:55,568 --> 00:19:57,551 wanted to stop stripping, I'd support it. 469 00:19:57,553 --> 00:20:00,021 - If you wanted... to. - Uh-huh. 470 00:20:00,023 --> 00:20:02,156 So, you are jealous? 471 00:20:02,158 --> 00:20:04,242 What? No, no, not at all. 472 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,244 I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to hang up 473 00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:08,946 the ol' G-string, I'd completely understand. 474 00:20:08,948 --> 00:20:11,833 Nah, I like taking my clothes off for money. 475 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:12,867 Great. 476 00:20:12,869 --> 00:20:15,286 Let me... let me finish. 477 00:20:15,288 --> 00:20:19,907 Hypothetically, what would make you stop? 478 00:20:19,909 --> 00:20:22,176 Hypothetically... 479 00:20:22,178 --> 00:20:27,248 I would stop stripping if I ever got married. 480 00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:28,516 Good night. 481 00:20:35,376 --> 00:20:38,161 And then we agreed to "go back to normal." 482 00:20:39,541 --> 00:20:45,211 But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends. 483 00:20:45,213 --> 00:20:50,633 Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present. 484 00:20:50,635 --> 00:20:51,968 What do you think? 485 00:20:51,970 --> 00:20:54,087 I think your stories are way too long. 486 00:20:54,089 --> 00:20:58,524 I feel bad for his future kids, dude. 487 00:20:58,526 --> 00:21:03,529 Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories. 488 00:21:03,531 --> 00:21:07,450 They're gonna... yeah, they're gonna love my stories.