1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:04,081
Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever!
2
00:00:04,108 --> 00:00:05,623
Kind of busy right now, Marshall.
3
00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:06,839
Quiet. He can hear you.
4
00:00:06,870 --> 00:00:07,691
Who's "he"?
5
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,697
He's coming! Everyone shut up!
6
00:00:09,786 --> 00:00:11,764
Okay, kids, you're probably
wondering how
7
00:00:11,789 --> 00:00:13,122
we all got here.
8
00:00:13,302 --> 00:00:15,358
Oh, hey, buddy, can we borrow
your air mattress?
9
00:00:15,389 --> 00:00:16,725
My mom's coming into
town for a few days.
10
00:00:16,756 --> 00:00:18,238
Absolutely not.
11
00:00:18,387 --> 00:00:20,525
Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us.
12
00:00:20,550 --> 00:00:22,484
Hey, look, what I just found.
13
00:00:22,515 --> 00:00:26,126
A list of hotels and other
creative housing options.
14
00:00:26,164 --> 00:00:28,548
Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel.
15
00:00:28,838 --> 00:00:30,800
Or our storage unit.
16
00:00:30,859 --> 00:00:32,228
Why can't we borrow your air mattress?
17
00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:34,059
Because when you animals borrow things,
18
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,177
you never return them.
19
00:00:35,215 --> 00:00:36,536
That's ridiculous.
20
00:00:36,592 --> 00:00:38,942
No, my Cleveland, Ohio,
Chamber of Commerce
21
00:00:38,979 --> 00:00:41,120
mini-cooler is ridiculous.
22
00:00:41,255 --> 00:00:42,830
Ridiculous at keeping stuff cold
23
00:00:42,855 --> 00:00:45,572
while also promoting Ohio's
second-largest rubber producer.
24
00:00:45,607 --> 00:00:47,269
Watch your back, Akron.
25
00:00:47,294 --> 00:00:49,205
I totally gave that back.
26
00:00:49,229 --> 00:00:51,824
And what about that
"Vote For Ted" hoodie
27
00:00:52,024 --> 00:00:54,902
from when I ran for treasurer
in high school?
28
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:59,326
Mrs. Gooding said my concession
speech was, "full of grace".
29
00:01:00,007 --> 00:01:02,457
I don't recall borrowing that.
30
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:05,779
And whatever happened
to my limited edition DVD
31
00:01:05,830 --> 00:01:08,108
of the classic 1989
Silverman-McCarthy romp,
32
00:01:08,128 --> 00:01:12,413
Weekend at Bernie's,
"borrowed" well over six months ago?
33
00:01:12,586 --> 00:01:13,655
Yeah, I'm keeping that.
34
00:01:13,683 --> 00:01:15,373
Those extra features are awesome.
35
00:01:15,395 --> 00:01:17,051
And that making-of documentary?
36
00:01:17,069 --> 00:01:20,178
"How Bernie Avoided The Gurney:
A Cinematic Journey".
37
00:01:20,405 --> 00:01:23,246
Look, I'm just tired
of people borrowing things
38
00:01:23,277 --> 00:01:24,335
and never returning them.
39
00:01:24,366 --> 00:01:27,984
If you don't believe me,
ask my ex-friend Stuart.
40
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:29,852
Ted, I gave your red cowboy boots back
41
00:01:29,895 --> 00:01:31,608
the day after Halloween.
42
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,330
How could you lie to me
right to my face, Stuart?
43
00:01:34,477 --> 00:01:38,590
You are a horrible human being.
44
00:01:39,611 --> 00:01:41,494
Congrats on your daughter's christening.
45
00:01:42,705 --> 00:01:45,621
And where's the worst abuser
of my generosity, Barney?
46
00:01:45,665 --> 00:01:48,649
Or should I say, "Borrow-ney"?
47
00:01:48,701 --> 00:01:49,838
You should never say that.
48
00:01:49,875 --> 00:01:51,288
And I think he's out with Patrice.
49
00:01:51,340 --> 00:01:53,540
Uch, Patrice? That's still happening?
50
00:01:53,598 --> 00:01:55,014
Kids, you remember Patrice.
51
00:01:55,072 --> 00:01:56,705
She worked with your Aunt Robin.
52
00:01:56,876 --> 00:01:59,529
Robin! You left your purse
at the vending machine,
53
00:01:59,555 --> 00:02:01,004
and some guy tried to steal it!
54
00:02:01,051 --> 00:02:05,064
I fought him off, but I think
I dislocated my shoulder.
55
00:02:05,946 --> 00:02:08,692
You scratched the leather! Oh!
56
00:02:08,788 --> 00:02:11,007
Can't you do anything right, Patrice?
57
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:14,263
That Barney-and-Patrice
thing is so bogus.
58
00:02:14,287 --> 00:02:15,921
He's clearly trying to get back at me
59
00:02:15,950 --> 00:02:17,085
for rejecting him.
60
00:02:17,125 --> 00:02:19,577
Um, Robin, after you rejected Barney,
61
00:02:19,595 --> 00:02:21,152
didn't he reject you?
62
00:02:21,176 --> 00:02:22,260
And didn't you go
63
00:02:22,288 --> 00:02:23,777
over to his place and
try to sleep with him
64
00:02:23,808 --> 00:02:25,102
in your purple-and-
black underwear?
65
00:02:25,157 --> 00:02:27,251
Hey... Lil, feel free
to disregard that
66
00:02:27,276 --> 00:02:30,069
"Don't tell anyone
about this ever" thing.
67
00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:31,517
She has your mini-cooler.
68
00:02:31,688 --> 00:02:32,904
I knew it!
69
00:02:32,956 --> 00:02:34,437
But seriously, what other reason would
70
00:02:34,474 --> 00:02:35,998
Barney have to date Patrice?
71
00:02:36,027 --> 00:02:37,280
It's an over-correction.
72
00:02:37,318 --> 00:02:40,085
How dare you? What is that?
73
00:02:40,197 --> 00:02:43,731
Barney was engaged to Quinn, a stripper
he never really trusted.
74
00:02:43,762 --> 00:02:45,986
So he overcorrects
by dating her opposite:
75
00:02:46,022 --> 00:02:47,703
Warm and nurturing Patrice.
76
00:02:47,952 --> 00:02:49,674
That does happen, like Ted.
77
00:02:49,692 --> 00:02:52,898
After you broke up with
sweet innocent Victoria.
78
00:02:53,015 --> 00:02:54,465
No, you hang up first.
79
00:02:54,490 --> 00:02:55,859
No, you hang up first.
80
00:02:55,890 --> 00:02:57,172
No, you hang up first.
81
00:02:57,201 --> 00:02:59,023
Hang up, you little bitch!
82
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:01,653
Over-correction.
83
00:03:01,690 --> 00:03:03,553
Yeah. And it's not just relationships.
84
00:03:03,597 --> 00:03:05,675
Remember when that
comedy club owner told Marshall
85
00:03:05,706 --> 00:03:07,395
that his "funny
fish names" stand-up act
86
00:03:07,419 --> 00:03:08,849
didn't have enough edge?
87
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,362
Flounder? I barely know her! Oh!
88
00:03:13,780 --> 00:03:15,286
Over-correction.
89
00:03:15,398 --> 00:03:17,899
Although it was better
than his Chris Rock rip-off.
90
00:03:18,045 --> 00:03:21,346
A trout with a daughter has one job.
91
00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:23,072
One job!
92
00:03:23,408 --> 00:03:26,245
To keep her off the fishing pole!
93
00:03:26,295 --> 00:03:28,226
You suck!
94
00:03:29,237 --> 00:03:31,165
Lily!
95
00:03:31,189 --> 00:03:37,189
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
96
00:03:44,805 --> 00:03:46,924
I'm a little worried about Ted.
97
00:03:47,029 --> 00:03:51,337
I mean, we're parents now,
and even Barney is moving on.
98
00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:54,601
I just wish he had someone to talk to.
99
00:03:54,657 --> 00:03:56,190
Even for a week.
100
00:03:56,211 --> 00:03:58,305
Or you know, four days, three nights.
101
00:03:58,342 --> 00:03:59,708
My mom is not staying with Ted!
102
00:03:59,736 --> 00:04:01,699
He'd love her bacon
- gummy bear pancakes.
103
00:04:01,724 --> 00:04:04,934
I'm her special boy, I get
her special pancakes.
104
00:04:05,019 --> 00:04:07,508
But my dad is here
nannying all the time.
105
00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:08,827
Then add your mom in?
106
00:04:08,853 --> 00:04:11,475
This place is crowded enough already.
107
00:04:11,510 --> 00:04:13,076
Hey, Lil,
108
00:04:13,353 --> 00:04:15,004
let me know how the pump's working.
109
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,366
I cleaned it for you.
110
00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:17,912
- It's fine, Dad.
- Yeah, I had
111
00:04:17,937 --> 00:04:21,076
to check the suction,
so I tested it on myself.
112
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:22,365
Oh, no.
113
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,643
Don't worry, the suction's fine,
114
00:04:24,851 --> 00:04:26,583
actually kind of nice.
115
00:04:29,107 --> 00:04:32,599
Okay, Barney is so not
for real about Patrice.
116
00:04:32,627 --> 00:04:34,377
Today he did the craziest,
117
00:04:34,398 --> 00:04:36,853
most clearly staged
for my benefit thing ever.
118
00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:38,777
Hey, Patrice, you ready for lunch?
119
00:04:38,805 --> 00:04:39,964
Sure.
120
00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:43,206
Right, right?
121
00:04:43,245 --> 00:04:44,177
I mean,
122
00:04:44,199 --> 00:04:46,850
what's next, birthday gifts?
123
00:04:47,564 --> 00:04:50,083
Wake up, people, this is
not an overcorrection,
124
00:04:50,114 --> 00:04:53,170
it's fraud, and we need
to keep trying to stop this.
125
00:04:53,338 --> 00:04:55,421
What do you mean, "keep trying"?
126
00:04:56,722 --> 00:04:58,603
Barney is not who you think he is.
127
00:04:58,621 --> 00:04:59,554
What do you mean?
128
00:04:59,582 --> 00:05:02,000
Well, he has a book of plays he uses
129
00:05:02,025 --> 00:05:03,842
to trick women into sleeping with him.
130
00:05:03,914 --> 00:05:06,888
Oh, no way, Barney's my honey bear.
131
00:05:06,913 --> 00:05:09,007
Actually, one of his plays
is called The Honey Bear.
132
00:05:09,031 --> 00:05:10,447
He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh,
133
00:05:10,466 --> 00:05:12,674
and the next thing you know,
his hand's stuck in your pot.
134
00:05:13,142 --> 00:05:15,873
Robin, you're a doll
for worrying about me,
135
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,266
but that doesn't
sound at all like my Barney.
136
00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:21,768
Why won't you let me
help you, Patrice?
137
00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:25,733
And she can't see
that Barney is using her,
138
00:05:25,765 --> 00:05:28,049
and it breaks my heart.
139
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,121
You know, I love Patrice.
140
00:05:30,198 --> 00:05:31,654
We're like sisters.
141
00:05:31,716 --> 00:05:33,335
You've never gotten
through even one exchange
142
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,438
without screaming at her.
143
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,156
Sisters fight, Ted!
144
00:05:37,187 --> 00:05:39,412
But the bond is always there.
145
00:05:39,857 --> 00:05:40,838
- Okay?
- Okay.
146
00:05:40,872 --> 00:05:43,047
And that's why I need
to steal The Playbook
147
00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:45,911
and show it to Patrice,
so she'll believe me.
148
00:05:46,301 --> 00:05:49,968
Or you could do almost anything else
149
00:05:49,998 --> 00:05:51,877
and not sound so creepy.
150
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:55,646
Robin, seriously, this
obsession isn't healthy.
151
00:05:55,677 --> 00:05:57,359
Just let it go.
152
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,525
Maybe you guys are right.
153
00:06:01,509 --> 00:06:03,357
Thanks for talking some sense into me.
154
00:06:09,968 --> 00:06:11,906
Lily, can I ask you a question?
155
00:06:12,012 --> 00:06:13,693
If it's "Did somebody put gravel
156
00:06:13,711 --> 00:06:15,544
in the couch cushions
you're sleeping on,"
157
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:16,808
absolutely not.
158
00:06:16,827 --> 00:06:18,396
What would be the motive?
159
00:06:18,488 --> 00:06:19,904
No, it's not that.
160
00:06:19,932 --> 00:06:22,832
Uh, don't tell Marshall
because he's not ready,
161
00:06:22,862 --> 00:06:26,530
but I think I might want
162
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,462
to get back out there
and meet a nice man.
163
00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:31,714
Wow, that's great, Judy.
164
00:06:31,736 --> 00:06:33,030
And I thought you might be able to help
165
00:06:33,042 --> 00:06:34,797
because you always look so good.
166
00:06:34,910 --> 00:06:36,378
You think I look good?
167
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,347
I mean, you dress
like a Duluth streetwalker,
168
00:06:39,367 --> 00:06:41,650
but my son seems to like it.
169
00:06:42,095 --> 00:06:43,402
I'll take it.
170
00:06:43,785 --> 00:06:46,288
So, any advice?
171
00:06:46,342 --> 00:06:49,435
Well, first I'd
throw out any giant sweater
172
00:06:49,472 --> 00:06:50,616
with a horse on it.
173
00:06:50,654 --> 00:06:51,723
- Even the ones...?
- Even the ones
174
00:06:51,747 --> 00:06:53,995
that have manes with
real horse hair, yes.
175
00:06:54,056 --> 00:06:57,143
And second, I'd let the gals
out to play a little more.
176
00:06:57,186 --> 00:06:58,649
The gals?
177
00:07:00,158 --> 00:07:01,554
Oh...
178
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:04,647
you mean the Minnesota Twins.
179
00:07:06,815 --> 00:07:08,808
Meanwhile, Robin was about to give up
180
00:07:08,826 --> 00:07:12,227
on ever finding The Playbook until...
181
00:07:18,711 --> 00:07:21,378
Ugh, the Bro Code, damn it.
182
00:07:36,726 --> 00:07:38,751
David Lee Roth's autobiography?
183
00:07:38,794 --> 00:07:40,410
Crap.
184
00:07:41,331 --> 00:07:42,511
"To the best wingman ever.
185
00:07:42,523 --> 00:07:43,671
"We'll always have Panama.
186
00:07:43,712 --> 00:07:46,180
Love, Diamond Dave".
187
00:07:53,552 --> 00:07:56,314
Patrice, it's really nice of
you to buy Robin a new purse,
188
00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:59,034
but it's not your fault that
the other one got scratched.
189
00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:02,687
Anyway, just get yourself over here.
190
00:08:02,724 --> 00:08:04,181
I've got the tree, the decorations,
191
00:08:04,198 --> 00:08:05,807
and the know-how from Lethal Weapon 2
192
00:08:05,838 --> 00:08:08,088
to pop that shoulder
right back into place.
193
00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:11,090
Yep, there is not one reason
to leave this apartment
194
00:08:11,126 --> 00:08:13,326
for even a second tonight.
195
00:08:16,703 --> 00:08:18,478
Ow.
196
00:08:22,681 --> 00:08:25,339
How's my favorite architect?
Other than incredibly handsome.
197
00:08:25,404 --> 00:08:26,420
Hey, Mom.
198
00:08:26,453 --> 00:08:27,891
No, it's Robin.
199
00:08:27,963 --> 00:08:29,295
What do you need?
200
00:08:29,728 --> 00:08:31,521
For reasons that aren't important,
201
00:08:31,546 --> 00:08:32,784
I'm trapped in Barney's closet.
202
00:08:32,815 --> 00:08:35,231
Help get me out, and I'll return
your Weekend at Bernie's DVD.
203
00:08:35,276 --> 00:08:38,310
No way, that's not enough to get
me involved in your crazy mess.
204
00:08:38,687 --> 00:08:39,808
I'll also go with you
205
00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:41,752
to the five-day fan convention
in the desert.
206
00:08:41,804 --> 00:08:43,664
You'll come with me to Bernie Man?
207
00:08:43,706 --> 00:08:45,038
Yes, just hurry.
208
00:08:45,671 --> 00:08:46,921
Ooh...
209
00:08:46,954 --> 00:08:50,224
someone's excited to see me.
210
00:08:50,359 --> 00:08:52,277
Who's Mama's big boy?
211
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,488
Who is Mama's big boy?
212
00:08:57,171 --> 00:08:57,909
Wait.
213
00:08:57,953 --> 00:08:59,269
I am.
214
00:09:00,170 --> 00:09:01,171
Mickey?
215
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,140
And I've been bad.
216
00:09:07,497 --> 00:09:10,199
Get off my mommy.
217
00:09:21,059 --> 00:09:23,343
Hugh Hefner in your lobby right now.
218
00:09:23,364 --> 00:09:25,531
I'm gonna grab my robe.
219
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,513
"Teddy's first Christmas"?
220
00:09:36,592 --> 00:09:38,261
Barney, are these my ornaments?
221
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,477
That could be anyone's
baby handprint, Ted.
222
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:44,432
Now, come on, Hef's old,
but he moves like a cheetah.
223
00:10:06,799 --> 00:10:09,337
Why would you do that...
224
00:10:09,711 --> 00:10:11,627
with Mickey?
225
00:10:11,822 --> 00:10:14,940
I've been lonely,
Marshall, and all the men
226
00:10:14,954 --> 00:10:19,572
in St. Cloud's idea of romance
is taking me ice fishing.
227
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,735
That was me and your father's thing.
228
00:10:22,304 --> 00:10:23,230
Plus,
229
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:26,323
call it an overcorrection,
but it's kind of nice
230
00:10:26,368 --> 00:10:29,331
being with a sophisticated,
big-city man.
231
00:10:30,550 --> 00:10:33,117
You know, I don't know
what the big deal is.
232
00:10:33,285 --> 00:10:35,786
You've been bumping uglies
with my daughter for years.
233
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,528
The second I climb up on your
mom, it's the end of the world?
234
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:43,206
How could you think that was Hef?
235
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:44,676
It was an honest mistake.
236
00:10:44,735 --> 00:10:46,768
That guy was black, Ted.
237
00:10:46,845 --> 00:10:49,479
I guess I just don't notice
that kind of stuff.
238
00:11:02,377 --> 00:11:05,192
We'll get to the grotto one day, my pet.
239
00:11:06,128 --> 00:11:07,433
One day.
240
00:11:08,131 --> 00:11:09,394
How's my favorite architect?
241
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,658
Other than well-endowed.
242
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:11,713
Mom?
243
00:11:11,776 --> 00:11:13,276
No, it's Robin again.
244
00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:15,835
Look, you've got to come
back in and get my purse.
245
00:11:15,915 --> 00:11:17,703
Nope, I'm done. Bye, Robin.
246
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:18,601
Wait!
247
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,466
What if I told you I was looking at
248
00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,258
your red cowboy boots right now?
249
00:11:23,658 --> 00:11:24,896
Describe them.
250
00:11:24,968 --> 00:11:26,199
They're red and they're cowboy boots.
251
00:11:26,237 --> 00:11:27,536
That's them!
252
00:11:27,678 --> 00:11:28,927
Why are they at Barney's?
253
00:11:29,435 --> 00:11:30,908
Hey, Barney.
254
00:11:31,072 --> 00:11:33,403
Just returning Ted's boots
I borrowed for Halloween.
255
00:11:33,552 --> 00:11:34,588
You were a cowboy?
256
00:11:34,619 --> 00:11:36,463
No, my wife was Wonder Woman.
257
00:11:36,526 --> 00:11:39,077
Can you believe Ted thinks a guy
can get laid wearing these?
258
00:11:41,113 --> 00:11:43,297
Challenge accepted.
259
00:11:45,765 --> 00:11:47,833
Do you know what that sound is, Ted?
260
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,187
That's a red boot
261
00:11:49,212 --> 00:11:51,604
about to be savagely
cut up by my pocketknife!
262
00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:55,602
You mean my pocketknife. I lent
it to you two years ago.
263
00:11:59,999 --> 00:12:00,756
Hey.
264
00:12:00,785 --> 00:12:03,035
Sorry about the Hugh Hefner mix-up.
265
00:12:03,138 --> 00:12:06,296
But seriously, Jon Bon
Jovi is downstairs.
266
00:12:06,516 --> 00:12:09,016
You sure it isn't my landlady,
Mrs. Takahashi?
267
00:12:09,081 --> 00:12:09,826
I'm serious.
268
00:12:09,857 --> 00:12:11,545
The janitor just mopped the floor.
269
00:12:11,577 --> 00:12:13,359
Bon Jovi is literally
standing next to a sign
270
00:12:13,383 --> 00:12:14,763
that says "Slippery When Wet".
271
00:12:14,820 --> 00:12:18,038
Uh-uh. I want those ornaments back.
272
00:12:37,727 --> 00:12:38,866
Damn it, Ted!
273
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,541
You get those ornaments all year.
274
00:12:40,581 --> 00:12:42,793
I just need 'em for Christmas!
275
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,413
Oh. Hey, Patrice.
276
00:12:44,476 --> 00:12:45,842
Did you have any
trouble finding Rudolph?
277
00:12:45,876 --> 00:12:48,476
No, it was right on Ted's
fire escape like you said.
278
00:12:48,545 --> 00:12:50,520
Are you sure he's okay
with us borrowing it?
279
00:12:50,602 --> 00:12:52,769
Positive.
280
00:12:55,536 --> 00:12:57,871
- I got your purse.
- Oh, Ted, you're the best!
281
00:12:57,893 --> 00:12:59,519
But I'm trapped in Barney's
living room closet.
282
00:12:59,562 --> 00:13:01,200
Oh, Ted, you're the worst.
283
00:13:01,315 --> 00:13:03,471
Okay, enough messing around.
I'm calling in The Wolf.
284
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:05,782
- Lily?
- Lily.
285
00:13:13,908 --> 00:13:16,575
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
286
00:13:16,772 --> 00:13:19,806
Hold on, Marshall's calling
me on the other line.
287
00:13:22,013 --> 00:13:24,351
Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever.
288
00:13:24,384 --> 00:13:25,824
Kind of busy right now, Marshall.
289
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:27,068
Quiet. He can hear you.
290
00:13:27,109 --> 00:13:27,923
Who's "he"?
291
00:13:27,948 --> 00:13:30,365
He's coming! Everyone shut up!
292
00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:42,011
I'm just gonna grab this star
to put on top of the tree.
293
00:13:42,049 --> 00:13:45,720
It's gonna be legend...
wait for it... merry!
294
00:13:54,359 --> 00:13:56,326
What are you doing here, Lily?
295
00:13:56,348 --> 00:13:57,949
I've been using Barney's apartment
296
00:13:57,974 --> 00:13:59,474
to pump milk for Marvin.
297
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,889
What? Why?
298
00:14:01,404 --> 00:14:03,389
Our apartment is so crowded these days,
299
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,242
I don't get a minute to myself!
300
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:07,050
I have a key to Barney's apartment,
301
00:14:07,093 --> 00:14:08,282
he has a kick-ass couch,
302
00:14:08,318 --> 00:14:10,632
and he DVR's all the
Real Housewives shows,
303
00:14:10,669 --> 00:14:12,994
including the reunion specials.
304
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,103
What are you doing here?
305
00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,367
I came to get The Playbook
306
00:14:26,392 --> 00:14:28,648
so I could show Patrice
who Barney really is.
307
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,887
Why can't you just let them be happy?
308
00:14:30,918 --> 00:14:32,779
Because they're not really happy, Lily!
309
00:14:32,823 --> 00:14:34,715
Patrice, can you grab my
computer from the bedroom?
310
00:14:34,746 --> 00:14:37,446
I want to change my
Facebook status to "happy!"
311
00:14:38,418 --> 00:14:40,218
You shouldn't have that.
312
00:14:40,244 --> 00:14:41,700
You're right.
313
00:14:50,685 --> 00:14:52,372
What?
314
00:14:53,098 --> 00:14:54,765
Where is Ted?
315
00:14:55,412 --> 00:14:58,275
My label maker!
316
00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:00,999
No! I'm never coming out!
317
00:15:01,203 --> 00:15:04,661
You know, Marshall, you've been
in there for a while now.
318
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:08,897
And I couldn't help but notice
you chugged that Super Big Gulp.
319
00:15:09,324 --> 00:15:10,918
It's not gonna work, Mickey.
320
00:15:10,951 --> 00:15:13,418
My bladder's as big as your betrayal!
321
00:15:13,469 --> 00:15:16,020
I see. So it's not gonna
bother you to think
322
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:19,617
about leaky faucets or open hydrants,
323
00:15:19,665 --> 00:15:23,309
or rushing rivers, or...
324
00:15:23,581 --> 00:15:25,862
Oh, God, I got to pee. Oh!
325
00:15:26,850 --> 00:15:27,951
What is this?
326
00:15:27,991 --> 00:15:30,141
Where did you find that?
327
00:15:30,217 --> 00:15:31,997
I didn't want to believe
that this existed,
328
00:15:32,021 --> 00:15:34,160
but is this... The Playbook?
329
00:15:34,599 --> 00:15:36,849
Let's see him lie his
way out of this one.
330
00:15:37,454 --> 00:15:38,910
Yes, it is.
331
00:15:39,462 --> 00:15:43,748
These are all the tricks I used
to get women to sleep with me.
332
00:15:44,106 --> 00:15:45,794
What do you mean, tricks?
333
00:15:47,074 --> 00:15:48,300
Like...
334
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:50,965
"The
Two-Can-Play-at-That Game".
335
00:15:53,843 --> 00:15:54,756
Can I help you?
336
00:15:54,785 --> 00:15:57,127
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you this, but...
337
00:15:57,847 --> 00:16:00,471
my wife is having an affair
with your husband.
338
00:16:00,930 --> 00:16:02,831
I even found a list of every dirty way
339
00:16:02,861 --> 00:16:04,788
they've enjoyed each others' bodies.
340
00:16:05,257 --> 00:16:09,384
I wish there was some way
we could get back at them.
341
00:16:09,895 --> 00:16:11,228
There is.
342
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,887
We can kill them.
343
00:16:21,936 --> 00:16:24,071
I'm sorry to be the
one to tell you this...
344
00:16:24,259 --> 00:16:26,175
You're not who I thought you were.
345
00:16:26,184 --> 00:16:27,350
Patrice, I...
346
00:16:27,371 --> 00:16:28,989
I need some air.
347
00:16:29,041 --> 00:16:30,285
I...
348
00:16:31,184 --> 00:16:33,059
Come on, Patrice, you...
349
00:16:33,128 --> 00:16:35,706
You have got to be kidding me.
350
00:16:40,122 --> 00:16:41,871
Wait. Is that my mini-cooler?
351
00:16:41,896 --> 00:16:44,123
Not now, Ted. Let's go!
352
00:16:44,192 --> 00:16:47,126
Shh! Shh!
353
00:16:48,365 --> 00:16:50,489
Patrice, I have done
354
00:16:50,514 --> 00:16:53,581
some sleazy stuff to seduce women, but
355
00:16:53,693 --> 00:16:55,113
I want to be a better person.
356
00:16:55,137 --> 00:16:57,454
You make me want to be a better person.
357
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,393
I can't be with a man
who has a playbook.
358
00:17:01,363 --> 00:17:02,932
I understand.
359
00:17:12,084 --> 00:17:13,284
Whoa.
360
00:17:14,285 --> 00:17:15,451
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
361
00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:16,853
Whoa!
362
00:17:17,071 --> 00:17:19,070
Is that my garbage can?
363
00:17:24,125 --> 00:17:26,154
I knew you were a keeper.
364
00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:27,427
Oh.
365
00:17:34,727 --> 00:17:36,540
I should go explain this to the super.
366
00:17:36,583 --> 00:17:38,079
Hey, come with. There's a small chance
367
00:17:38,104 --> 00:17:39,645
Jon Bon Jovi's down in the lobby.
368
00:17:39,693 --> 00:17:41,667
"You Give Love a Bad Name"
is the first track
369
00:17:41,692 --> 00:17:42,990
on my "Get Psyched" mix!
370
00:17:43,024 --> 00:17:45,191
Mine, too!
371
00:17:51,691 --> 00:17:54,223
You still don't believe
those two are for real?
372
00:17:54,610 --> 00:17:56,012
I'll take that.
373
00:17:56,135 --> 00:17:58,580
The Ted Mosby Store
is officially closed.
374
00:17:59,223 --> 00:18:00,306
What spilled in here?
375
00:18:00,382 --> 00:18:01,765
Breast milk.
376
00:18:02,387 --> 00:18:04,612
Seriously, I give and give,
377
00:18:04,643 --> 00:18:08,061
and all I ask back is a
little bit of respect.
378
00:18:13,255 --> 00:18:15,739
Okay, so tonight got weird.
379
00:18:15,747 --> 00:18:17,430
You have no idea.
380
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,451
My mom's apparently ready
to get back out there.
381
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,559
Marshall, she told me all about it,
382
00:18:22,604 --> 00:18:24,364
and I was happy to help.
383
00:18:24,392 --> 00:18:26,175
You helped? Why?
384
00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:29,039
I know it's hard to think of
your mom as a woman with needs,
385
00:18:29,101 --> 00:18:30,940
but you have to let her get out there
386
00:18:30,965 --> 00:18:33,966
and rediscover her sexuality
with someone special.
387
00:18:36,340 --> 00:18:37,457
Oh, you don't know.
388
00:18:37,506 --> 00:18:40,459
No... Marshall, I do know.
389
00:18:40,551 --> 00:18:43,214
You just think it's gross
because it's your parent.
390
00:18:43,237 --> 00:18:44,569
But you know what?
391
00:18:45,046 --> 00:18:47,146
- It's beautiful.
- Mm.
392
00:18:48,069 --> 00:18:49,607
My mom
393
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:52,779
and your dad are humping.
394
00:18:55,673 --> 00:18:57,230
I think you should be happy for them.
395
00:18:57,661 --> 00:18:58,780
What? Why?
396
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,456
What is good about this?
397
00:19:00,458 --> 00:19:02,921
Well, first of all, respect to Mickey.
398
00:19:02,946 --> 00:19:04,712
Your mom's a piece.
399
00:19:04,762 --> 00:19:06,612
She's no Ted's mom, but she's a piece.
400
00:19:07,476 --> 00:19:08,566
And secondly,
401
00:19:08,657 --> 00:19:11,808
I mean, it's nice
that they found each other.
402
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,580
Sometimes you fall for someone
you'd never expect,
403
00:19:14,617 --> 00:19:16,294
but that doesn't make it wrong.
404
00:19:16,579 --> 00:19:18,797
Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?
405
00:19:20,083 --> 00:19:22,560
I guess none of us
thought of it that way.
406
00:19:22,734 --> 00:19:24,446
Next round's on me.
407
00:19:26,812 --> 00:19:28,156
Wow.
408
00:19:28,205 --> 00:19:29,571
I know.
409
00:19:30,049 --> 00:19:32,632
Barney's lost it. He
needs an intervention.
410
00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:34,199
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh...
411
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:36,877
Robin, after everything we've seen,
412
00:19:36,928 --> 00:19:39,495
do you still think
Barney's faking this?
413
00:19:39,558 --> 00:19:41,636
No, but we have to stop it.
414
00:19:41,673 --> 00:19:43,234
Barney is not Barney anymore.
415
00:19:43,259 --> 00:19:44,315
Well, people change.
416
00:19:44,353 --> 00:19:46,145
But not this fast and this drastically.
417
00:19:46,181 --> 00:19:48,226
This is a cry for help, okay?
418
00:19:48,244 --> 00:19:50,962
If I was out of control, I
would want you guys to help me.
419
00:19:51,016 --> 00:19:53,807
So, what do you say? Intervention?
420
00:19:55,851 --> 00:19:57,129
Intervention.
421
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,111
Oh, good. You're all here.
422
00:20:00,529 --> 00:20:01,428
Um,
423
00:20:01,472 --> 00:20:02,559
when Barney shows up,
424
00:20:02,584 --> 00:20:04,753
it's important for him
not to feel ganged up on,
425
00:20:04,781 --> 00:20:06,651
so, let's start with...
426
00:20:06,842 --> 00:20:08,773
"We love you, and
we're worried about you".
427
00:20:09,303 --> 00:20:12,103
We love you, and
we're worried about you.
428
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,993
Oh. Great.
429
00:20:14,032 --> 00:20:16,299
But you know, with less
pity in your eyes.
430
00:20:16,869 --> 00:20:18,289
Sweetie, sit down.
431
00:20:18,387 --> 00:20:22,090
Uh, no. Only the person getting
the intervention sits down.
432
00:20:22,739 --> 00:20:25,195
Yeah.
433
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:26,767
Oh.
434
00:20:28,116 --> 00:20:30,583
Please tell me this
is about my drinking.
435
00:20:31,649 --> 00:20:33,357
Damn it.
436
00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:40,519
So, we... we just wanted to say
437
00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:44,033
that we're sorry for
the way that we acted
438
00:20:44,634 --> 00:20:47,502
when we found out about you two.
439
00:20:48,416 --> 00:20:51,614
Your happiness is
what is most important,
440
00:20:51,678 --> 00:20:55,302
so, if you two want
to date, it's okay by us.
441
00:20:55,525 --> 00:20:57,225
Who said anything about dating?
442
00:20:57,259 --> 00:20:58,725
This is just about sex.
443
00:20:59,733 --> 00:21:04,360
We're family... with benefits.