1 00:00:01,344 --> 00:00:04,281 You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened. 2 00:00:04,297 --> 00:00:05,883 On my way here, a taxi 3 00:00:05,902 --> 00:00:07,789 jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady, 4 00:00:07,801 --> 00:00:10,168 and I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode 5 00:00:10,181 --> 00:00:11,570 and I somehow lifted it off her. 6 00:00:11,614 --> 00:00:13,326 Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist. 7 00:00:13,370 --> 00:00:14,939 Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen. 8 00:00:14,963 --> 00:00:16,391 - I must've strained it lifting. - No, 9 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:19,354 I believe our dear friend Lily was referring to your other wrist. 10 00:00:19,424 --> 00:00:21,409 The one wearing the male birth control. 11 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,750 I was gonna go with 12 00:00:22,775 --> 00:00:23,841 "chastity bracelet". 13 00:00:23,868 --> 00:00:26,269 God, is it possible to love you more? 14 00:00:26,289 --> 00:00:27,569 Really? Really? I just 15 00:00:27,587 --> 00:00:29,730 saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this? 16 00:00:29,759 --> 00:00:31,459 Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone. 17 00:00:31,666 --> 00:00:33,678 - All right, he's a hero. - Thank you. 18 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,067 Do you think that your super strength came from 19 00:00:36,097 --> 00:00:37,782 wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff? 20 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,641 Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff, 21 00:00:41,868 --> 00:00:42,806 I have a date. 22 00:00:42,831 --> 00:00:44,389 With some hand lotion and the Internet? 23 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,836 It is possible to love you more! 24 00:00:46,863 --> 00:00:49,301 She exists. 25 00:00:49,635 --> 00:00:51,623 And she's right outside. 26 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:52,898 Great. Bring her in. 27 00:00:53,057 --> 00:00:54,423 You know what? It's so nice out. 28 00:00:54,456 --> 00:00:56,224 Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk. 29 00:00:56,246 --> 00:00:58,434 It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious 30 00:00:58,460 --> 00:00:59,891 she can't fit through the door. - Mm. 31 00:00:59,917 --> 00:01:01,983 She is a gorgeous, athletic woman. 32 00:01:02,003 --> 00:01:04,173 "Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans. 33 00:01:04,211 --> 00:01:05,235 She is hot. 34 00:01:05,259 --> 00:01:07,192 So why can't she come in, Ted? 35 00:01:07,353 --> 00:01:10,237 She can come in. 36 00:01:11,089 --> 00:01:13,034 In six and a half months. 37 00:01:13,069 --> 00:01:14,554 Wait. Are you saying she's... 38 00:01:14,579 --> 00:01:15,611 Twenty. 39 00:01:15,655 --> 00:01:16,610 And a half. 40 00:01:16,641 --> 00:01:18,148 Almost. 41 00:01:18,172 --> 00:01:26,172 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 42 00:01:34,544 --> 00:01:36,892 Ah-ah! Hold up, guys. 43 00:01:36,924 --> 00:01:40,123 She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front 44 00:01:40,147 --> 00:01:42,749 of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg. 45 00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:45,583 The only thing that would make her more of a 20-year-old 46 00:01:45,602 --> 00:01:48,027 - is an ironic form of transportation. - Yeah. 47 00:01:48,045 --> 00:01:49,227 She's roller skating there. 48 00:01:50,306 --> 00:01:51,923 I don't know which is more pathetic... 49 00:01:51,950 --> 00:01:53,851 that you're going out with a 20-year-old 50 00:01:53,875 --> 00:01:56,792 or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her. 51 00:01:56,827 --> 00:01:59,215 I didn't buy this to get a date. 52 00:01:59,239 --> 00:02:00,945 I just happened to be out 53 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,696 catching up on some Saturday afternoon 54 00:02:02,714 --> 00:02:03,985 - leather cuff shopping, - Oh. 55 00:02:04,010 --> 00:02:06,691 and she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman. 56 00:02:08,115 --> 00:02:10,883 God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos. 57 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,348 Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life 58 00:02:13,378 --> 00:02:14,978 just seems sad and empty. 59 00:02:15,191 --> 00:02:18,308 I don't want this to sound too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me. 60 00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:21,700 Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser. 61 00:02:21,737 --> 00:02:23,162 Uh, yeah. 62 00:02:23,199 --> 00:02:25,733 - We got rid of that, okay? - Yeah. 63 00:02:25,758 --> 00:02:27,089 Anyway, speaking of engaged, 64 00:02:27,110 --> 00:02:29,166 check out what got back from being resized. 65 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:32,431 Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock. 66 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,660 Barney, you don't 67 00:02:33,682 --> 00:02:35,965 start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond. 68 00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:37,727 You give yourself room to grow. 69 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,093 It's a family heirloom. 70 00:02:39,111 --> 00:02:40,343 Yeah, I got a few dirty looks 71 00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:41,922 from Barney's half-sister over Christmas, 72 00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:44,627 so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully... 73 00:02:44,696 --> 00:02:45,615 that she can suck it. 74 00:02:45,627 --> 00:02:46,837 Okay. 75 00:02:46,856 --> 00:02:48,644 - I got to bounce. - Stop saying that. 76 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,739 This DJ from Dubai is spinning 77 00:02:50,764 --> 00:02:52,487 at an abandoned loading dock in Bushwick. 78 00:02:52,526 --> 00:02:53,834 I'm worried I don't have enough layers. 79 00:02:53,871 --> 00:02:55,757 So what if my friends 80 00:02:55,782 --> 00:02:56,704 thought it was doomed? 81 00:02:56,723 --> 00:02:59,177 I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying 82 00:02:59,196 --> 00:03:01,237 with a girl over a decade younger than me 83 00:03:01,262 --> 00:03:02,201 would be a total... 84 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,910 disaster. She's like an entirely different species. 85 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,479 And I definitely didn't have enough layers. 86 00:03:08,787 --> 00:03:11,468 I didn't understand half the words she was saying. 87 00:03:11,852 --> 00:03:14,340 To me, it all sounded like hipster Mad Libs. 88 00:03:14,365 --> 00:03:15,909 Didn't you check your phone? 89 00:03:15,938 --> 00:03:17,950 I just "means of contacting" you 90 00:03:17,975 --> 00:03:20,226 on "currently hot social networking site". 91 00:03:20,410 --> 00:03:23,927 The show's been moved to "New York neighborhood you've never heard of". 92 00:03:25,293 --> 00:03:28,304 Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock. 93 00:03:28,384 --> 00:03:31,835 And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations. 94 00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:32,787 Ooh. 95 00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:34,504 Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake 96 00:03:34,522 --> 00:03:35,687 with bacon frosting? 97 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:36,985 They are the best here. 98 00:03:37,010 --> 00:03:38,630 Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my 99 00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:40,679 cucumber jalapeño egg cream. 100 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,252 Chug it! Come on. Come on. 101 00:03:42,277 --> 00:03:43,910 - We got to get going. - Right. Okay. 102 00:03:47,118 --> 00:03:49,152 Then later, at a club in Chinatown 103 00:03:49,172 --> 00:03:51,349 somehow located beneath a manhole cover, 104 00:03:51,394 --> 00:03:52,510 it got weird. 105 00:03:52,531 --> 00:03:56,199 God, I just love those tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows. 106 00:03:56,972 --> 00:03:59,223 Old men are so sexy. 107 00:04:00,372 --> 00:04:01,988 All right, to be fair, 108 00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:04,692 some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream. 109 00:04:04,831 --> 00:04:06,893 Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates, 110 00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:08,333 you roll right into the spray. 111 00:04:08,358 --> 00:04:10,532 Wait, how old does she think you are? 112 00:04:10,812 --> 00:04:12,249 So, were you in Vietnam? 113 00:04:13,524 --> 00:04:15,074 Hold that groan. 114 00:04:16,402 --> 00:04:19,153 Charlie was everywhere. 115 00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:21,450 She's hot! She likes old guys! 116 00:04:21,475 --> 00:04:22,641 Don't judge me! 117 00:04:22,819 --> 00:04:25,543 Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th... 118 00:04:25,583 --> 00:04:28,200 I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like... 119 00:04:32,822 --> 00:04:35,821 I want to thank you for your service to this nation, Private. 120 00:04:35,864 --> 00:04:36,715 Colonel. 121 00:04:36,746 --> 00:04:37,720 Aw. 122 00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:39,432 I got to end this. 123 00:04:39,503 --> 00:04:40,884 Yeah, seriously, Ted. 124 00:04:40,915 --> 00:04:43,532 Pretending to be someone else just to get laid? 125 00:04:43,552 --> 00:04:45,435 That's... embarrassing. 126 00:04:45,463 --> 00:04:46,579 Your Highness! 127 00:04:46,630 --> 00:04:48,847 Let's go. 128 00:04:49,681 --> 00:04:51,601 Ew. Marshall, take that off. 129 00:04:51,632 --> 00:04:53,933 What? I think it looks kind of cool. 130 00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:54,809 Cool? 131 00:04:54,833 --> 00:04:57,751 You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band 132 00:04:57,788 --> 00:05:02,067 and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain 133 00:05:02,079 --> 00:05:04,315 and neck tattoos and a drug problem. 134 00:05:04,327 --> 00:05:06,359 Not a... a big one, just... 135 00:05:06,671 --> 00:05:09,908 enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and... 136 00:05:09,986 --> 00:05:13,230 he can never... ever be true to one woman. 137 00:05:13,259 --> 00:05:15,292 Finish that damn pickle and do me! 138 00:05:19,409 --> 00:05:21,682 Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go. 139 00:05:21,707 --> 00:05:23,073 Why would we care how... 140 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:24,316 Usually it's like this. 141 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:27,509 After you. 142 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:28,973 Aw, thank you. 143 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,995 On the house, Robin! 144 00:05:36,634 --> 00:05:39,287 # Take this bagel on the house 145 00:05:39,388 --> 00:05:41,521 # Have a paper on the house 146 00:05:41,546 --> 00:05:43,240 # I'd give you a house on the house # 147 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,843 # If I could 148 00:05:45,873 --> 00:05:47,908 # You're so beautiful 149 00:05:47,937 --> 00:05:51,508 # Everything in life should be free # 150 00:05:51,532 --> 00:05:56,498 # It's so wonderful to be me! 151 00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,080 Mmm. 152 00:05:58,109 --> 00:05:59,022 Wow. 153 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,452 Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too? 154 00:06:03,052 --> 00:06:04,719 # She's exaggerating 155 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:10,652 # To make a point! 156 00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:12,938 But today was different. 157 00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:15,717 That'll be $3.75. 158 00:06:15,788 --> 00:06:17,955 But I didn't have to pay yesterday. 159 00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:19,636 Okay. $7.50. 160 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:23,493 Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin. 161 00:06:23,518 --> 00:06:24,674 The ring has power. 162 00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:26,439 When a woman puts on an engagement ring, 163 00:06:26,457 --> 00:06:28,717 it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring 164 00:06:28,735 --> 00:06:29,698 in The Hobbit. 165 00:06:29,722 --> 00:06:31,505 Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd? 166 00:06:31,531 --> 00:06:34,198 Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak 167 00:06:34,224 --> 00:06:36,282 that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts. 168 00:06:36,301 --> 00:06:37,750 Yeah, I don't speak virgin either. 169 00:06:37,778 --> 00:06:40,630 The ring... it makes you invisible. 170 00:06:43,305 --> 00:06:46,773 You're not precious. 171 00:06:55,446 --> 00:06:56,458 Oh, good, you're awake. 172 00:06:58,456 --> 00:06:59,563 Look, Ted, 173 00:06:59,595 --> 00:07:01,295 there's something we have to talk about. 174 00:07:01,309 --> 00:07:03,692 Boundaries? Invasion of privacy? 175 00:07:03,713 --> 00:07:05,689 Losing your key privileges? 176 00:07:05,887 --> 00:07:08,066 It's about the 20-year-old, Ted. 177 00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:10,086 You have to bang her. 178 00:07:10,106 --> 00:07:11,573 For me! 179 00:07:15,389 --> 00:07:17,593 Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old? 180 00:07:17,625 --> 00:07:19,000 I thought I disgusted you. 181 00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:20,686 Yeah, that was all an act. 182 00:07:20,943 --> 00:07:23,081 Look, look, look, I love Robin 183 00:07:23,112 --> 00:07:25,479 and she's the only girl I want to be with. 184 00:07:25,502 --> 00:07:29,694 But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands. 185 00:07:29,806 --> 00:07:33,076 They don't make gum or a patch for this, Ted. 186 00:07:33,110 --> 00:07:34,870 But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert. 187 00:07:36,651 --> 00:07:37,420 Oh, yeah. 188 00:07:37,453 --> 00:07:39,849 That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal. 189 00:07:41,262 --> 00:07:43,917 What-what-what are you looking for? 190 00:07:43,942 --> 00:07:45,067 Your phone. 191 00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,081 There's got to be some pictures of her in here. 192 00:07:47,124 --> 00:07:48,824 Damn it. No. 193 00:07:48,882 --> 00:07:50,332 Those are all worthless. 194 00:07:50,371 --> 00:07:52,676 I need some one-night-stand material, Ted. 195 00:07:52,701 --> 00:07:55,128 Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia. 196 00:07:55,227 --> 00:07:57,952 Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material. 197 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,511 Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing. 198 00:08:00,542 --> 00:08:01,907 Hey-oh! 199 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,398 That didn't happen. 200 00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:05,452 You're right. It didn't. 201 00:08:05,482 --> 00:08:06,529 You just winked. 202 00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,684 No, I didn't. 203 00:08:07,706 --> 00:08:08,837 You just did it again! 204 00:08:08,849 --> 00:08:11,285 Look, bottom line: I need you 205 00:08:11,305 --> 00:08:13,576 to proxy bang this girl for me. 206 00:08:13,853 --> 00:08:16,833 Be my stand-in and put your gland in. 207 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,536 Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat. 208 00:08:19,601 --> 00:08:23,201 Barney, she's just using me for my gracefully aging body. 209 00:08:23,356 --> 00:08:26,155 You're picking now to get some self-respect? 210 00:08:26,213 --> 00:08:29,769 You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean Connery. 211 00:08:29,882 --> 00:08:31,349 That was you. 212 00:08:31,514 --> 00:08:34,454 Yeah, that conquest was most enjoyable. 213 00:08:34,490 --> 00:08:36,662 I'm sorry. T - To hook up with a girl, 214 00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:38,698 I have to connect with her at least a little. 215 00:08:38,723 --> 00:08:40,824 Then find a connection. 216 00:08:40,851 --> 00:08:42,219 Just go simple. 217 00:08:42,301 --> 00:08:45,385 Nothing about weird poets or buildings 218 00:08:45,419 --> 00:08:48,053 or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me 219 00:08:48,078 --> 00:08:50,579 with the subject line "Food for thought". 220 00:08:51,215 --> 00:08:53,049 Please, Ted. 221 00:08:53,113 --> 00:08:54,746 I need this. 222 00:08:54,911 --> 00:08:56,392 Fine. You win. 223 00:08:56,417 --> 00:08:58,261 I'll bang a hot 20-year-old. 224 00:08:59,085 --> 00:09:00,541 But I'm not gonna enjoy... 225 00:09:00,566 --> 00:09:01,743 Oh, who am I kidding? 226 00:09:01,755 --> 00:09:03,231 It's gonna be awesome. 227 00:09:03,321 --> 00:09:06,036 Now, turn off the lights and go. 228 00:09:06,987 --> 00:09:09,154 Not all the way! 229 00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,083 Hello. Yeah, three... 230 00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,683 Okay, normally New York is the friendliest, 231 00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:17,952 most affordable city in the world. 232 00:09:17,977 --> 00:09:21,211 Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco. 233 00:09:21,337 --> 00:09:22,893 Guys? 234 00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:25,140 Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged. 235 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:28,216 Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt. 236 00:09:28,475 --> 00:09:29,928 I'll be at the booth. 237 00:09:29,947 --> 00:09:32,179 My panties may or may not be on 238 00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:33,820 when you get there. 239 00:09:34,016 --> 00:09:36,067 They won't be! 240 00:09:36,589 --> 00:09:38,623 Okay, what is going on with you guys? 241 00:09:38,925 --> 00:09:40,142 It's the cuff. 242 00:09:40,177 --> 00:09:42,502 It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician 243 00:09:42,526 --> 00:09:44,888 with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van 244 00:09:44,913 --> 00:09:48,915 I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank. 245 00:09:48,931 --> 00:09:49,825 Who knew? 246 00:09:49,844 --> 00:09:51,748 Whoa, what-what happened to your wrist? 247 00:09:51,772 --> 00:09:54,656 Oh. It's an allergic reaction. 248 00:09:54,733 --> 00:09:56,116 So take it off. 249 00:09:56,187 --> 00:09:58,095 Robin, once you have a child, 250 00:09:58,113 --> 00:10:00,101 anything that gets you even remotely close 251 00:10:00,126 --> 00:10:03,494 to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters. 252 00:10:03,944 --> 00:10:06,495 Better the sores weep than I. 253 00:10:07,513 --> 00:10:09,224 Hey, hold on. That slut just got here. 254 00:10:09,237 --> 00:10:11,337 How'd she get beer already? 255 00:10:11,675 --> 00:10:13,495 Do you see a ring on that finger? 256 00:10:13,521 --> 00:10:15,184 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 257 00:10:15,209 --> 00:10:17,331 Are you saying that this invisibility thing 258 00:10:17,356 --> 00:10:19,069 means I might not be able to get beer? 259 00:10:19,112 --> 00:10:21,580 I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee 260 00:10:21,617 --> 00:10:22,894 and bagels and rent. 261 00:10:22,919 --> 00:10:25,149 - Rent? - But not being able to get a beer? 262 00:10:25,198 --> 00:10:26,979 Unacceptable. 263 00:10:29,180 --> 00:10:30,518 Excuse me. 264 00:10:30,565 --> 00:10:32,575 Hot girl coming through. 265 00:10:40,534 --> 00:10:42,785 Huh. 266 00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:45,620 Three beers, please. 267 00:10:49,706 --> 00:10:52,374 Damn it, ring! 268 00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,126 - Oh, yeah, baby. - Mm-hmm. 269 00:10:54,156 --> 00:10:56,361 Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade. 270 00:10:56,380 --> 00:10:57,713 Mm. Sure. 271 00:10:57,754 --> 00:11:00,588 While I'm out, maybe Daddy picks up some diapers 272 00:11:00,607 --> 00:11:03,825 and a little mild salsa because we're low. 273 00:11:07,465 --> 00:11:08,928 Well, you're right... 274 00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:11,320 I'm invisible. 275 00:11:16,854 --> 00:11:18,432 That night, the only person 276 00:11:18,454 --> 00:11:21,204 in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé. 277 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,098 Ted, I'm desperate. 278 00:11:23,163 --> 00:11:25,019 Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff 279 00:11:25,044 --> 00:11:27,094 and I got a partial for Marshall. 280 00:11:27,129 --> 00:11:28,795 Did you bang that girl yet? 281 00:11:28,835 --> 00:11:31,014 Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up. 282 00:11:31,046 --> 00:11:32,678 I tried to connect with her, 283 00:11:32,698 --> 00:11:34,418 but everything just comes back 284 00:11:34,442 --> 00:11:36,679 to her weird fetish about how old I am. 285 00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:39,984 Well, j-just go simple... does she like TV? 286 00:11:40,011 --> 00:11:41,027 No. 287 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,984 But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you 288 00:11:43,009 --> 00:11:45,902 as loud and as long as you want. 289 00:11:46,201 --> 00:11:47,147 Sports? 290 00:11:47,193 --> 00:11:48,442 No. 291 00:11:48,563 --> 00:11:51,003 But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard, 292 00:11:51,027 --> 00:11:54,445 just... slathered in Bengay. 293 00:11:54,482 --> 00:11:55,898 Well, does she like books? 294 00:11:55,962 --> 00:11:57,495 No. 295 00:11:58,166 --> 00:11:59,424 But I bet you do. 296 00:11:59,453 --> 00:12:00,253 Mm-hmm. 297 00:12:00,277 --> 00:12:02,887 I bet you have a big, thick 298 00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:05,122 pair of bifocals. 299 00:12:05,205 --> 00:12:08,430 She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues. 300 00:12:08,466 --> 00:12:09,691 I'm ending it. 301 00:12:09,732 --> 00:12:13,215 Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. 302 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:15,313 Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. 303 00:12:15,344 --> 00:12:16,560 That's going in the journal. 304 00:12:17,299 --> 00:12:19,042 Wait, did you steal my dream journal? 305 00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:22,295 No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out 306 00:12:22,314 --> 00:12:24,225 and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School 307 00:12:24,237 --> 00:12:25,556 in a play you never rehearsed for. 308 00:12:25,568 --> 00:12:26,967 Bastard! 309 00:12:27,051 --> 00:12:30,032 We don't connect on a single thing. It's over. 310 00:12:30,063 --> 00:12:32,122 It's not... 311 00:12:32,174 --> 00:12:33,998 Look, Carly, I got to tell you something. 312 00:12:34,172 --> 00:12:36,989 I just, I don't see a future here. 313 00:12:37,691 --> 00:12:39,563 Oh, my God. 314 00:12:39,666 --> 00:12:41,643 Are you dying? 315 00:12:41,729 --> 00:12:44,063 Oh, that is so hot. 316 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,032 Hey... 317 00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,999 is that R2-D2? 318 00:12:50,063 --> 00:12:52,313 Do you like Star Wars? 319 00:12:52,358 --> 00:12:54,188 I love Star Wars. 320 00:12:54,216 --> 00:12:55,549 Me, too! 321 00:12:58,899 --> 00:13:01,500 I mean, I've only seen the new ones. 322 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,193 Close enough. 323 00:13:07,195 --> 00:13:09,113 So? 324 00:13:09,379 --> 00:13:10,262 Yeah. 325 00:13:10,283 --> 00:13:12,213 I knew it! I could feel it. 326 00:13:12,244 --> 00:13:14,908 It's almost like we were hooking up with her together. 327 00:13:14,937 --> 00:13:16,302 You felt that, right? 328 00:13:16,345 --> 00:13:17,808 I couldn't have performed if I did. 329 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,206 Don't you see, Ted? 330 00:13:19,213 --> 00:13:22,132 We had a bro-nnection. 331 00:13:22,178 --> 00:13:24,525 All right, I got to know 332 00:13:24,543 --> 00:13:25,861 what she looks like... show me a picture. 333 00:13:25,899 --> 00:13:27,849 Well, normally, I'm above such things, 334 00:13:27,879 --> 00:13:30,315 but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'. 335 00:13:30,346 --> 00:13:32,415 Okay, here she is. 336 00:13:32,758 --> 00:13:35,343 Okay. Scrolling up. 337 00:13:35,545 --> 00:13:36,761 Oh, yeah, those are 338 00:13:36,776 --> 00:13:38,911 "plow me" heels. Nice. - Uh-huh. 339 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:42,246 The knee bruise is encouraging. 340 00:13:42,306 --> 00:13:45,576 Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas. 341 00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:48,419 Oh... gravity's cruel grasp 342 00:13:48,430 --> 00:13:50,680 hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles. 343 00:13:51,858 --> 00:13:54,264 Now, let's get a gander at Dirty Girl's face. 344 00:13:54,531 --> 00:13:55,530 Mm-hmm. 345 00:13:57,890 --> 00:14:01,156 Her face says, "Ready to bone," am I right? 346 00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:05,257 I say again, am I right? 347 00:14:05,981 --> 00:14:08,141 That's my half sister. 348 00:14:09,709 --> 00:14:13,728 Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture. 349 00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:18,204 No! 350 00:14:22,225 --> 00:14:23,758 That's my sister, Ted! 351 00:14:23,776 --> 00:14:25,593 Well, look, I didn't know! 352 00:14:25,617 --> 00:14:27,010 None of us even knew you had a sister 353 00:14:27,041 --> 00:14:29,008 until two years ago, including you! 354 00:14:29,048 --> 00:14:31,002 This is just some crazy coincidence. 355 00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:33,354 There are four million women in the city of New York, 356 00:14:33,381 --> 00:14:34,839 Ted, and you sleep with my sister? 357 00:14:34,857 --> 00:14:36,672 Why would the universe do that to me? 358 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:37,640 I don't know. 359 00:14:37,683 --> 00:14:39,502 It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way 360 00:14:39,521 --> 00:14:41,551 that would invite some sort of karmic retribution. 361 00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:43,802 You banged my sister! 362 00:14:43,827 --> 00:14:46,585 My sweet, little, innocent... 363 00:14:46,603 --> 00:14:47,916 - Pierced. - Really? Where? 364 00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:50,873 Don't answer that! Now I know 365 00:14:50,898 --> 00:14:53,686 why I felt everything you did to her last night. 366 00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:57,368 It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection! 367 00:14:57,421 --> 00:14:58,571 Oh, my God. 368 00:14:58,593 --> 00:15:01,727 Ted... did you... 369 00:15:04,732 --> 00:15:05,887 Big-time. 370 00:15:05,918 --> 00:15:07,354 Nice! High five! 371 00:15:07,394 --> 00:15:08,782 Wait! No! No! 372 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:09,995 Retraction five! 373 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,446 Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang. 374 00:15:15,471 --> 00:15:17,104 And while we're on the subject of family, 375 00:15:17,143 --> 00:15:19,680 I'm pretty sure you banged my mom... mom beats sister. 376 00:15:19,705 --> 00:15:21,818 I never banged your mom. 377 00:15:21,859 --> 00:15:23,675 You just did the winking thing again! 378 00:15:23,702 --> 00:15:25,552 No, I didn't. 379 00:15:25,554 --> 00:15:27,863 Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something. 380 00:15:27,887 --> 00:15:30,099 Were you... feeling a little sore this morning? 381 00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,395 Especially... 382 00:15:34,453 --> 00:15:36,654 Friendship over! 383 00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:39,988 Oh, yeah. 384 00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:44,902 Who's your guitar-player-biker-who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa- 385 00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:48,311 but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium bad boy? 386 00:15:49,851 --> 00:15:51,401 Marshall, your hand! 387 00:15:51,632 --> 00:15:53,808 Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad, 388 00:15:53,826 --> 00:15:56,360 but this is how Uncle Marshall likes to tell the story. 389 00:15:56,385 --> 00:15:58,957 Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff. 390 00:15:58,988 --> 00:16:02,589 I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers... 391 00:16:03,214 --> 00:16:05,314 and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger. 392 00:16:05,337 --> 00:16:07,962 But I'm learning to compensate with my left. 393 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:11,076 Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me 394 00:16:11,107 --> 00:16:12,626 you only honka'd me? 395 00:16:12,863 --> 00:16:14,312 I didn't think you noticed. 396 00:16:14,846 --> 00:16:17,221 Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day. 397 00:16:17,497 --> 00:16:18,979 Just take the cuff off. 398 00:16:19,004 --> 00:16:21,402 No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop. 399 00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:25,680 Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy. 400 00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:29,395 All you have to do is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on Pop. 401 00:16:31,097 --> 00:16:32,335 Thanks, baby. 402 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:35,439 Are you too woozy to do it one last time 403 00:16:35,463 --> 00:16:38,097 before we seek emergency medical attention? 404 00:16:38,802 --> 00:16:40,668 Only one way to find out. 405 00:16:40,689 --> 00:16:42,689 Mm. 406 00:16:46,575 --> 00:16:49,894 I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted. 407 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,701 You think? I can't believe you're allowed to ship a dead possum. 408 00:16:53,926 --> 00:16:55,126 He died? 409 00:16:55,278 --> 00:16:58,479 That possum was supposed to be an olive branch. 410 00:16:58,606 --> 00:17:01,641 Are you sure he's not just playing dead? 411 00:17:01,677 --> 00:17:03,644 He smells like Marshall's hand. 412 00:17:03,945 --> 00:17:05,646 And wait, you-you forgive me? 413 00:17:05,666 --> 00:17:08,225 Absolutely. Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars". 414 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:09,331 Get over here! 415 00:17:09,385 --> 00:17:11,958 All right. So, where are those "cee-gars"? 416 00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:13,144 Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute. 417 00:17:13,169 --> 00:17:15,019 Hey, Barn. 418 00:17:17,392 --> 00:17:18,286 Ted? 419 00:17:18,314 --> 00:17:20,430 Barney, what is your sister doing here? 420 00:17:20,476 --> 00:17:24,983 Nothing, bro. Or should I say, bro-in-law! 421 00:17:37,115 --> 00:17:38,631 Congratulations! 422 00:17:38,673 --> 00:17:40,911 You're marrying my sister! 423 00:17:41,326 --> 00:17:44,614 And you spared no expense, you big crazy! 424 00:17:47,348 --> 00:17:49,606 You know what? I love Barney, 425 00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:51,094 but this ring thing sucks. 426 00:17:51,123 --> 00:17:53,655 Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack 427 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:54,980 and then apologized. 428 00:17:55,011 --> 00:17:56,808 And I think he really, really meant it. 429 00:17:56,832 --> 00:18:00,752 Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, 430 00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:03,024 but nothing beats the rush you get 431 00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:05,786 when that one special person looks at you. 432 00:18:05,907 --> 00:18:07,373 It's true. 433 00:18:07,768 --> 00:18:11,152 Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see, 434 00:18:11,622 --> 00:18:14,251 and I see her brighter and more clearly 435 00:18:14,282 --> 00:18:17,116 than anything else in this world. 436 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,228 You know what that is? 437 00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:20,948 That's love. 438 00:18:21,272 --> 00:18:22,839 And possibly alcohol 439 00:18:22,853 --> 00:18:26,071 mixed with some very powerful antibiotics. 440 00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:30,148 And that's how Barney sees you. 441 00:18:30,218 --> 00:18:32,936 And I know that's how you see Barney. 442 00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:36,528 I'd like to start the service 443 00:18:36,555 --> 00:18:38,985 with a passage from Ted's dream journal. 444 00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,408 "Drowning. 445 00:18:41,434 --> 00:18:43,434 "Gasping for air. 446 00:18:43,799 --> 00:18:45,737 No escape". 447 00:18:45,801 --> 00:18:47,852 Wait, is that about Vietnam? 448 00:18:47,883 --> 00:18:49,152 It's about Whole Foods. 449 00:18:49,251 --> 00:18:50,279 Barney. 450 00:18:50,414 --> 00:18:52,223 We are not getting married. 451 00:18:52,248 --> 00:18:55,300 And those aisles are too narrow! 452 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,447 But you two 453 00:18:56,471 --> 00:18:58,304 have to get married... otherwise, it's just 454 00:18:58,339 --> 00:19:01,707 a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand. 455 00:19:01,747 --> 00:19:04,944 Wait, just to be clear, you're saying you're opposed 456 00:19:04,975 --> 00:19:07,330 to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands? 457 00:19:07,386 --> 00:19:08,418 Yes. 458 00:19:08,544 --> 00:19:10,829 Barney... don't you see? 459 00:19:10,938 --> 00:19:12,733 Your detox is done! 460 00:19:12,753 --> 00:19:14,770 You're over one-night stands! 461 00:19:14,909 --> 00:19:17,471 Oh, my God, you're right! 462 00:19:17,644 --> 00:19:18,972 - I'm free! - Yeah. 463 00:19:18,996 --> 00:19:22,164 So if you think about it... but not too much... 464 00:19:22,222 --> 00:19:24,889 it's actually good that Carly and I hooked up. 465 00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:26,570 Yeah, it's really good. 466 00:19:26,594 --> 00:19:30,212 I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s. 467 00:19:30,318 --> 00:19:32,662 Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy! 468 00:19:33,686 --> 00:19:35,429 Hey, don't try to make this okay. 469 00:19:35,448 --> 00:19:37,030 You still slept with my sister. 470 00:19:37,071 --> 00:19:39,989 Promise me you will never, ever do that again. 471 00:19:40,628 --> 00:19:42,612 I promise. 472 00:19:42,621 --> 00:19:43,754 You just winked. 473 00:19:43,781 --> 00:19:45,584 No, I didn't. 474 00:19:45,608 --> 00:19:47,646 - You did it again! - No, I didn't! 475 00:19:47,676 --> 00:19:49,028 You swear, right? 476 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,920 Yeah. Of course. 477 00:19:56,804 --> 00:19:57,842 That night, 478 00:19:57,860 --> 00:20:00,083 even though she still couldn't get a beer, 479 00:20:00,122 --> 00:20:03,540 Robin realized the true power of the ring. 480 00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:11,934 Hey, Robin. 481 00:20:11,959 --> 00:20:13,497 Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get 482 00:20:13,515 --> 00:20:15,140 a drink at the bar now that you're engaged? 483 00:20:15,165 --> 00:20:17,916 Oh, sure. I know a way that's gonna last forever. 484 00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:19,484 Scotch on the rocks? 485 00:20:19,521 --> 00:20:20,923 Coming right up. 486 00:20:26,822 --> 00:20:30,175 Now, before you say anything about the hat... 487 00:20:30,458 --> 00:20:34,109 this new girl's ass is phenomenal! 488 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:40,619 Hey, Marshall, you got to see this. 489 00:20:40,649 --> 00:20:42,704 The catalog must have mixed up my order. 490 00:20:42,722 --> 00:20:45,173 You won't believe the jeans they just sent me. 491 00:20:46,063 --> 00:20:47,896 Hilarious, right? 492 00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,038 Totally. 493 00:20:51,063 --> 00:20:52,257 You look like some 494 00:20:52,288 --> 00:20:54,504 suburban mom who drives a minivan 495 00:20:54,535 --> 00:20:57,785 filled with stale Cheerios and empty juice boxes... 496 00:20:57,820 --> 00:20:59,827 probably makes 497 00:21:00,002 --> 00:21:02,633 chili mac and Frito pie for dinner... 498 00:21:02,765 --> 00:21:05,121 smells like that menthol cigarette that she snuck while 499 00:21:05,158 --> 00:21:07,138 she was waiting to pick her kids up 500 00:21:07,164 --> 00:21:09,057 from hockey practice. Get over here!