1
00:00:05,916 --> 00:00:07,772
This is the life.
2
00:00:07,811 --> 00:00:09,174
We got the three B's.
3
00:00:09,193 --> 00:00:12,359
Beach, booze and bodacious babes.
4
00:00:12,658 --> 00:00:13,627
I don't know.
5
00:00:13,652 --> 00:00:15,548
I'm starting to think
we should call the police.
6
00:00:15,565 --> 00:00:17,334
Oh, would you relax?
7
00:00:17,420 --> 00:00:18,866
We've got it made.
8
00:00:18,897 --> 00:00:21,261
One whole week at his
bodacious beach house,
9
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:23,157
no strings attached.
10
00:00:23,222 --> 00:00:26,513
Well, there is one string attached.
11
00:00:28,490 --> 00:00:30,214
Hi, Barney.
12
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:35,238
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
13
00:00:37,751 --> 00:00:40,071
Bodacious.
14
00:00:40,323 --> 00:00:41,775
"Weekend at Barney's!"
15
00:00:41,787 --> 00:00:43,120
What is it? What's wrong?
16
00:00:43,458 --> 00:00:45,875
The plays, Robin, the plays.
17
00:00:46,008 --> 00:00:48,238
The ingenious
techniques I used as a bachelor
18
00:00:48,267 --> 00:00:49,984
to pick up busty dullards.
19
00:00:50,018 --> 00:00:52,148
They just keep coming to
me, I can't turn them off.
20
00:00:52,173 --> 00:00:54,495
Okay, Barney, let me
ease your mind, okay?
21
00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:56,472
All right, here we go.
22
00:00:56,544 --> 00:00:59,044
Remember when you set
your Playbook on fire?
23
00:01:05,252 --> 00:01:08,254
That was the moment I realized
you were someone I could marry.
24
00:01:08,475 --> 00:01:10,722
And I'd burn it again if I could.
25
00:01:11,151 --> 00:01:11,980
You're right.
26
00:01:12,018 --> 00:01:13,614
I'm done with all these plays.
27
00:01:13,864 --> 00:01:15,674
Besides, there's no
way I'll ever come up
28
00:01:15,699 --> 00:01:18,582
with anything that tops
"Weekend at Barney's".
29
00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:26,563
"Weekend at Barney's Two!"
30
00:01:26,585 --> 00:01:28,682
Damn it, Barney!
31
00:01:41,819 --> 00:01:45,261
So, there's this big
gallery opening tonight.
32
00:01:45,307 --> 00:01:48,441
Oh, we'd love to, but
we've got this...
33
00:01:48,459 --> 00:01:50,353
Genesis reunion, Madison Square Garden,
34
00:01:50,366 --> 00:01:53,425
front row. It's gonna be legend...
- I wasn't inviting you guys.
35
00:01:53,449 --> 00:01:55,844
Oh, thank God. There is no concert.
36
00:01:56,084 --> 00:01:57,991
As the captain's new art buyer,
37
00:01:58,004 --> 00:02:00,571
I have to go schmooze
this up-and-coming artist,
38
00:02:00,634 --> 00:02:02,030
Strickland Stevens,
39
00:02:02,086 --> 00:02:04,287
so we get first dibs
on all his new stuff.
40
00:02:04,305 --> 00:02:07,869
And I'll be helping Lily seal the deal
by impressing the intelligentsia
41
00:02:07,892 --> 00:02:09,788
with some art-related hilarity.
42
00:02:09,793 --> 00:02:11,515
I've prepared some jokes.
43
00:02:12,047 --> 00:02:15,091
Why couldn't the art
dealer pay his rent?
44
00:02:15,228 --> 00:02:17,316
- I don't know. Why?
- This is gonna be rough.
45
00:02:17,854 --> 00:02:20,591
Because he ran out of Monet.
46
00:02:21,499 --> 00:02:23,839
You're gonna get that on the walk
home. How about this one?
47
00:02:23,861 --> 00:02:25,372
You know what, we'd...
we'd love to hear it,
48
00:02:25,397 --> 00:02:27,103
but we've got that... that...
49
00:02:27,139 --> 00:02:30,219
Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall,
backstage pass. Let's go.
50
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,747
We don't want to miss
whatever their big song was.
51
00:02:31,759 --> 00:02:32,634
Yeah.
52
00:02:32,668 --> 00:02:35,117
Your wedding response card, as promised.
53
00:02:35,129 --> 00:02:37,597
Why didn't you just mail
it like everybody else?
54
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:40,083
Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.
55
00:02:40,154 --> 00:02:42,433
You should be touched
that I hand-delivered it.
56
00:02:42,502 --> 00:02:46,711
Has social media so eroded
our interpersonal relationships
57
00:02:46,727 --> 00:02:48,296
that we no longer wish
to experience the...
58
00:02:48,315 --> 00:02:50,315
- You wanted to keep the stamp?
- They're 46 cents now.
59
00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:51,999
It's getting out of hand.
60
00:02:52,318 --> 00:02:54,627
"Your invitation is joyfully accepted
61
00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:57,773
by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette.
62
00:02:59,642 --> 00:03:01,018
Kids, as you'll recall,
63
00:03:01,032 --> 00:03:03,732
Jeanette was the last girl I dated
before I met your mother.
64
00:03:03,769 --> 00:03:06,050
My friends only had
one tiny problem with her.
65
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,414
She was nuts.
66
00:03:10,722 --> 00:03:12,472
So you're bringing a plus one?
67
00:03:12,505 --> 00:03:14,256
If you count the voices in her head,
68
00:03:14,286 --> 00:03:15,358
it's plus five.
69
00:03:15,377 --> 00:03:17,155
Guys, I'm bringing her,
70
00:03:17,179 --> 00:03:19,304
and you're gonna love having her there.
71
00:03:19,343 --> 00:03:20,425
Oh, and... by the way,
72
00:03:20,437 --> 00:03:22,361
just so this doesn't turn
into an argument later,
73
00:03:22,433 --> 00:03:25,898
the dress she's gonna wear isn't
technically white, it's eggshell.
74
00:03:26,589 --> 00:03:28,410
The shoes are white, though.
75
00:03:28,516 --> 00:03:29,850
And the gloves.
76
00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:32,331
And the veil. Well, see you guys.
77
00:03:32,497 --> 00:03:34,431
- No, no, no.
- Mosby! Get...
78
00:03:38,129 --> 00:03:40,086
Oh, my God, what happened?
79
00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:42,360
Oh, I trashed your apartment.
80
00:03:42,380 --> 00:03:43,596
See, I got bored,
81
00:03:43,610 --> 00:03:45,660
so I started going
through all your e-mails.
82
00:03:45,691 --> 00:03:48,205
- Sure.
- And I found one from a woman
83
00:03:48,222 --> 00:03:50,890
with the subject line,
"big penis orgasms,"
84
00:03:50,908 --> 00:03:52,788
so naturally, I smashed your plates,
85
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,528
knifed your mattress,
peed in your drawers,
86
00:03:54,553 --> 00:03:56,226
the whole nine, but then,
87
00:03:56,261 --> 00:03:58,170
while I was upper-decking your toilet,
88
00:03:58,195 --> 00:04:00,133
I actually read the e-mail.
89
00:04:00,186 --> 00:04:02,696
Turns out it was spam.
90
00:04:03,316 --> 00:04:05,099
Classic Jeanette, huh?
91
00:04:05,825 --> 00:04:07,417
Oh, my God.
92
00:04:07,657 --> 00:04:10,461
You are certifiably insane...
93
00:04:11,044 --> 00:04:12,487
about me.
94
00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:13,868
Come here, you knucklehead.
95
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:17,148
- I can't stay mad at you.
- Ted, Ted, I'm breaking up with you.
96
00:04:17,459 --> 00:04:19,285
You're just so intense,
97
00:04:19,294 --> 00:04:21,754
and it's all moving way too fast.
98
00:04:21,991 --> 00:04:23,457
Here's your key back.
99
00:04:23,579 --> 00:04:25,079
I never gave you a key.
100
00:04:25,344 --> 00:04:27,195
And here's your grandmother's ring.
101
00:04:27,410 --> 00:04:29,860
She was buried wearing this.
102
00:04:30,692 --> 00:04:31,529
And just like that,
103
00:04:31,577 --> 00:04:32,977
it was over.
104
00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:36,118
I texted Barney and Robin.
I'm sure they're over the moon
105
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,399
that Jeanette's not coming
to the wedding.
106
00:04:37,429 --> 00:04:40,063
Oh, no, Ted, no.
107
00:04:40,153 --> 00:04:42,637
They're not gonna be
happy about you being sad.
108
00:04:42,665 --> 00:04:44,131
They broke up!
109
00:04:46,151 --> 00:04:47,993
Ted, respectfully,
110
00:04:48,217 --> 00:04:50,432
are you sure that this was
the right girl for you?
111
00:04:50,513 --> 00:04:51,563
Of course not.
112
00:04:52,133 --> 00:04:53,118
She was crazy.
113
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,883
Absolutely a nightmare.
114
00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,743
It's totally not worth the trouble.
115
00:04:56,834 --> 00:04:58,667
I mean, no matter how...
116
00:04:58,687 --> 00:05:00,756
no matter how great the sex was.
117
00:05:01,249 --> 00:05:02,961
- Uh-oh. -
Stay with us, buddy.
118
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:06,161
No matter how hot and passionate
119
00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:08,494
and surprising,
120
00:05:08,907 --> 00:05:10,068
possibly illegal...
121
00:05:10,099 --> 00:05:12,199
- I don't like this.
- Me, neither.
122
00:05:12,456 --> 00:05:14,249
I'm gonna win her back.
123
00:05:15,736 --> 00:05:18,299
Barney and Robin are
gonna be so happy I'm happy.
124
00:05:19,261 --> 00:05:20,455
I know.
125
00:05:20,565 --> 00:05:22,256
I know.
126
00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:25,488
Did you just unhook my bra?
127
00:05:25,518 --> 00:05:28,426
Shh. There, there.
128
00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:30,608
That night was the big gallery show.
129
00:05:30,636 --> 00:05:32,571
Hey. I'm so sorry.
130
00:05:32,602 --> 00:05:34,358
I decided to grab a snack
from the bodega.
131
00:05:34,401 --> 00:05:36,197
Why? They'll have food at the gallery.
132
00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:37,946
Oh, come on, these places
never have food.
133
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,054
It's fine.
134
00:05:39,083 --> 00:05:40,615
I got some Skittles.
135
00:05:41,410 --> 00:05:43,408
That was the last bag of Skittles
136
00:05:43,433 --> 00:05:45,767
your Uncle Marshall would ever buy.
137
00:05:46,870 --> 00:05:49,178
Meanwhile, I headed over
to Jeanette's place
138
00:05:49,190 --> 00:05:51,440
to win her back.
139
00:05:58,215 --> 00:05:59,748
What the hell?
140
00:05:59,890 --> 00:06:01,446
I can't let you do this, Ted.
141
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:02,859
I want Jeanette back.
142
00:06:02,878 --> 00:06:05,620
Well, then accept my apology.
143
00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:06,809
For what?
144
00:06:07,692 --> 00:06:09,121
This.
145
00:06:12,883 --> 00:06:16,294
Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! You're strong.
146
00:06:16,314 --> 00:06:17,912
That's just from Pilates?
147
00:06:17,937 --> 00:06:19,303
Twice a week.
148
00:06:19,368 --> 00:06:22,002
Look, I don't want you
getting back with Jeanette.
149
00:06:22,029 --> 00:06:24,467
Ted, what is my one rule?
150
00:06:24,492 --> 00:06:26,283
You can tell how old a
girl is by her elbows?
151
00:06:26,314 --> 00:06:27,580
My other one rule.
152
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,286
Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?
153
00:06:29,334 --> 00:06:30,457
My other one rule.
154
00:06:30,471 --> 00:06:31,854
Always have a fake pair
of concert tickets
155
00:06:31,868 --> 00:06:33,885
in your pocket in case Lily
invites you to something stupid?
156
00:06:33,938 --> 00:06:34,977
My other one rule.
157
00:06:34,989 --> 00:06:36,923
Lebanese girls sprint to third
base and then stay there?
158
00:06:36,951 --> 00:06:38,803
- My other one rule.
- New is always better.
159
00:06:38,828 --> 00:06:40,083
New is always better!
160
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:42,000
Exactly, Ted.
161
00:06:42,022 --> 00:06:45,357
You want to invite a date to our wedding,
it is not gonna be Jeanette.
162
00:06:45,464 --> 00:06:46,989
It is gonna be someone new.
163
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,355
And I am gonna help you find her
164
00:06:49,407 --> 00:06:51,336
with a little help from...
165
00:06:51,918 --> 00:06:53,411
The Playbook.
166
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,722
The Playbook? Didn't you burn that?
167
00:06:55,765 --> 00:06:57,783
Oh, I didn't burn the real one.
168
00:06:57,824 --> 00:07:00,113
That was the ceremonial playbook
169
00:07:00,143 --> 00:07:01,412
for parades,
170
00:07:01,449 --> 00:07:02,556
mall openings,
171
00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:04,200
inaugurations, stuff like that.
172
00:07:04,241 --> 00:07:06,123
That's a pretty big secret
to keep from Robin.
173
00:07:06,148 --> 00:07:08,360
Which is exactly why I'm trusting you,
174
00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:10,533
my best bro, to never let her know
175
00:07:10,549 --> 00:07:12,415
that the Playbook still exists.
176
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:14,991
Pinky swear?
177
00:07:15,943 --> 00:07:17,266
Fine.
178
00:07:17,405 --> 00:07:19,105
Wow.
179
00:07:20,807 --> 00:07:22,540
See, I told you.
180
00:07:22,704 --> 00:07:25,839
Thank God I snuck in
this bag of goodness.
181
00:07:28,371 --> 00:07:29,866
There's Strickland Stevens.
182
00:07:30,068 --> 00:07:30,998
Wow.
183
00:07:31,039 --> 00:07:33,278
Even his scarf
is up-and-coming.
184
00:07:34,396 --> 00:07:36,787
Are you gonna be okay by yourself
for a few minutes?
185
00:07:36,835 --> 00:07:38,425
Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?
186
00:07:38,443 --> 00:07:41,242
Well, you're sitting
on an $80,000 sculpture.
187
00:07:41,293 --> 00:07:43,468
For 80 grand,
188
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,238
you'd think it
would be more comfortable.
189
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:47,395
Lil, I'll be fine.
190
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:48,970
Do you know who you're talking to?
191
00:07:48,995 --> 00:07:51,029
In high school, I
was voted most outgoing
192
00:07:51,046 --> 00:07:53,552
freshman, sophomore and senior year.
193
00:07:53,705 --> 00:07:55,588
What happened junior year?
194
00:07:56,842 --> 00:07:58,398
Egdud Ferhaki,
195
00:07:58,481 --> 00:08:00,844
that outgoing son of a bitch.
196
00:08:00,889 --> 00:08:03,825
He beat you for most outgoing?
197
00:08:04,064 --> 00:08:05,936
Huh? Oh, no, we tied.
198
00:08:07,808 --> 00:08:11,277
Look, the point is, I can make
friends anywhere, even here.
199
00:08:11,307 --> 00:08:13,288
- Thanks, baby.
- You got it.
200
00:08:16,133 --> 00:08:17,336
Hey, excuse me.
201
00:08:17,417 --> 00:08:18,607
Listen.
202
00:08:18,805 --> 00:08:21,439
Do you think that you would enjoy a show
203
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:25,491
featuring Donatello, Raphael,
204
00:08:25,595 --> 00:08:28,425
Michelangelo and Leonardo?
205
00:08:28,558 --> 00:08:31,238
Sound like you're a fan of the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
206
00:08:31,258 --> 00:08:32,637
Gotcha. Skin it.
207
00:08:37,453 --> 00:08:39,888
He will get that on the drive home.
208
00:08:40,089 --> 00:08:42,088
He didn't.
209
00:08:43,098 --> 00:08:44,666
- Fireworks?
- Yeah.
210
00:08:44,704 --> 00:08:46,972
Everything in there is a
prop we'll need for tonight.
211
00:08:54,599 --> 00:08:55,724
Everything.
212
00:08:56,156 --> 00:08:57,648
All right, here's how
this is going down.
213
00:08:57,676 --> 00:09:00,341
You'll be wearing this
earpiece and microphone.
214
00:09:00,352 --> 00:09:03,035
I'll be staked out here,
telling you exactly what to say,
215
00:09:03,066 --> 00:09:05,136
so just stay focused and you'll be fine.
216
00:09:05,649 --> 00:09:07,686
Which play are we gonna run first?
217
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:09,746
How about the "Weekend at Barney's"?
218
00:09:11,131 --> 00:09:13,437
Oh, Ted, your first day at the salon,
219
00:09:13,455 --> 00:09:14,890
and you want to do a cut and color?
220
00:09:14,921 --> 00:09:18,240
No. Tonight we're gonna
start off with...
221
00:09:19,849 --> 00:09:21,649
Ice Man to Neruda.
222
00:09:21,672 --> 00:09:23,460
Ice Man to Neruda.
223
00:09:23,491 --> 00:09:24,631
Bogey at 10:00,
224
00:09:24,668 --> 00:09:27,734
and she is packing two
fully-operational sweater stretchers.
225
00:09:27,762 --> 00:09:30,568
That's bravo, Oscar,
Oscar, bravo, Sierra.
226
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,498
Possible delta cups.
227
00:09:33,619 --> 00:09:35,055
Copy that. Engaging target.
228
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:35,981
Over.
229
00:09:36,102 --> 00:09:38,153
Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
230
00:09:38,184 --> 00:09:40,550
Excuse me, I have a delivery for Lisa.
231
00:09:40,628 --> 00:09:42,745
Are you Lisa? Are you Lisa?
232
00:09:42,785 --> 00:09:43,986
Uh, no.
233
00:09:43,992 --> 00:09:45,292
But you must be.
234
00:09:45,321 --> 00:09:46,620
I was told to...
235
00:09:46,641 --> 00:09:49,953
deliver this package
to a girl named Lisa,
236
00:09:49,988 --> 00:09:52,158
and that I'd
recognize her because she'd be...
237
00:09:52,173 --> 00:09:54,204
The most beautiful girl in this bar.
238
00:09:54,475 --> 00:09:57,234
So, here's your delivery, Lisa.
239
00:09:57,521 --> 00:09:59,346
Uh, I am definitely not Lisa,
240
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:02,207
but I would be happy
to help you find her.
241
00:10:02,314 --> 00:10:05,297
Great, and then maybe later...
242
00:10:05,330 --> 00:10:08,698
I could give you a
different package... my penis.
243
00:10:11,137 --> 00:10:12,921
That is a terrible line!
244
00:10:12,948 --> 00:10:14,117
You said it wrong.
245
00:10:14,136 --> 00:10:15,609
I did not say it wrong.
246
00:10:15,665 --> 00:10:16,490
My penis.
247
00:10:16,509 --> 00:10:18,042
- No.
- My penis.
248
00:10:18,065 --> 00:10:20,993
- Still not right.
- My penis, my penis, my penis!
249
00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:24,880
Hello.
250
00:10:26,913 --> 00:10:28,233
This sucks.
251
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,080
I can't get near Strickland.
252
00:10:30,417 --> 00:10:32,376
At least Marshall's having a good time.
253
00:10:32,523 --> 00:10:35,075
Man, he always knows
just the right thing to say.
254
00:10:35,212 --> 00:10:38,493
For a gay guy, Andy Warhol
sure liked cans.
255
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:42,434
This sucks.
256
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:44,232
Maybe I've lost my charm.
257
00:10:44,509 --> 00:10:45,656
No, Marshall,
258
00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:47,767
if Lily's gonna make it
in this fancy art world,
259
00:10:47,779 --> 00:10:50,275
you're gonna have to
make it, too, so suck it up,
260
00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:51,765
stop sitting on the art,
261
00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:54,278
and bust out the "A" material.
262
00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:00,598
You two keep chugging like that,
263
00:11:00,636 --> 00:11:04,058
you're gonna have to Vincent
van go to the bathroom, am I right?
264
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:06,314
It's pronounced van Gogh.
265
00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:10,305
Oh, "blogh" me.
266
00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:14,418
I still don't get why someone
would leave the hospital
267
00:11:14,452 --> 00:11:16,379
without changing into their
clothes first. Over.
268
00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:18,511
Ted, this is my thing. So just...
269
00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:19,563
okay?
270
00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:20,471
Over.
271
00:11:20,484 --> 00:11:22,609
Okay? Over.
272
00:11:25,179 --> 00:11:26,399
Are you all right?
273
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,609
What? Oh.
274
00:11:27,707 --> 00:11:30,033
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
275
00:11:30,370 --> 00:11:31,975
Tomorrow, I'm...
276
00:11:32,134 --> 00:11:34,626
donating a kidney to my best friend.
277
00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:36,994
My best friend Barney.
278
00:11:37,158 --> 00:11:38,524
Not Marshall.
279
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,060
Barney.
280
00:11:40,179 --> 00:11:41,823
Marshall's so lame.
281
00:11:43,277 --> 00:11:44,339
Anyway...
282
00:11:44,395 --> 00:11:46,705
just wanted to grab
one last drink, in case...
283
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,698
you know, I don't make it.
284
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,606
You are so brave.
285
00:11:51,064 --> 00:11:52,215
Hey, listen.
286
00:11:52,237 --> 00:11:55,723
Before I give my best friend
this organ, how about...
287
00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:57,849
Nope.
288
00:11:58,076 --> 00:11:59,676
Nope, I'm not saying that.
289
00:12:00,173 --> 00:12:01,223
I did hear you,
290
00:12:01,244 --> 00:12:03,089
but I'm not saying that.
291
00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:04,506
Because I'm not.
292
00:12:04,739 --> 00:12:05,558
Are you okay?
293
00:12:05,590 --> 00:12:08,307
One second. I know you put
a lot of work into this.
294
00:12:08,471 --> 00:12:09,761
I understand that.
295
00:12:10,317 --> 00:12:11,661
I understand that.
296
00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:13,709
I understand that.
297
00:12:15,795 --> 00:12:16,995
I understand that.
298
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,952
Why can't I just talk to her?
Maybe we'll hit it off...
299
00:12:22,581 --> 00:12:23,773
Fine.
300
00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:25,849
Copy that.
301
00:12:29,213 --> 00:12:32,228
How about I give you a different organ?
302
00:12:33,590 --> 00:12:35,257
My penis.
303
00:12:39,747 --> 00:12:42,254
- You said it wrong.
- I did not say it wrong!
304
00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:45,473
Thank you all so much for coming.
305
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:48,378
If you'll indulge me, I would
like to share a story
306
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,279
about my dearly departed grandmother.
307
00:12:50,304 --> 00:12:51,487
Oh, God.
308
00:12:51,524 --> 00:12:53,572
News flash, Johnny Ascot:
309
00:12:53,619 --> 00:12:55,919
Lots of people have dead grandmas.
310
00:12:56,457 --> 00:12:57,643
No, Marshall.
311
00:12:57,687 --> 00:12:58,881
Don't be bitter.
312
00:12:58,930 --> 00:13:00,422
You're here for Lily.
313
00:13:00,555 --> 00:13:02,868
Just look at her, so professional.
314
00:13:03,144 --> 00:13:05,478
She hasn't sat on a single piece of art.
315
00:13:05,814 --> 00:13:09,102
You're gonna ride this thing
out with dignity for Lily.
316
00:13:09,191 --> 00:13:11,667
Not one more thing
that might embarrass her.
317
00:13:11,692 --> 00:13:14,698
I will simply stand here.
318
00:13:14,921 --> 00:13:17,856
Perfectly invisible.
319
00:13:17,929 --> 00:13:19,991
And so I dedicate this show
320
00:13:20,110 --> 00:13:22,227
to my grandmother's memory.
321
00:13:22,916 --> 00:13:23,929
Now...
322
00:13:24,106 --> 00:13:26,558
please join me in honoring her
323
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:30,686
with 60 seconds of absolute silence.
324
00:14:03,155 --> 00:14:05,554
Okay, Neruda, this play is
325
00:14:05,585 --> 00:14:07,119
extremely complicated.
326
00:14:07,157 --> 00:14:08,573
Let me guess. Does it involve me
327
00:14:08,593 --> 00:14:10,427
saying "my penis" in a Scottish accent?
328
00:14:10,461 --> 00:14:12,724
Now you're gettin' it, laddie!
329
00:14:13,972 --> 00:14:14,791
Hey!
330
00:14:14,811 --> 00:14:16,172
Robin. What are you doing here?
331
00:14:16,190 --> 00:14:19,325
I was curious as to whether you
found Ted a date to our wedding
332
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,686
who was a little less,
you know, Antichrist-y.
333
00:14:25,247 --> 00:14:27,031
Is that the Playbook?
334
00:14:27,432 --> 00:14:31,945
No, Robin, that is a couch.
335
00:14:39,814 --> 00:14:42,115
Oh, you mean the Playbook on the couch?
336
00:14:42,398 --> 00:14:43,661
- I can explain.
- Don't bother.
337
00:14:43,690 --> 00:14:46,053
I can ex... Uh, Ted? Uh...
338
00:14:46,071 --> 00:14:47,771
I got to step away from
mission control for a sec.
339
00:14:47,791 --> 00:14:49,479
Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.
340
00:14:49,837 --> 00:14:51,503
Robin...
341
00:15:04,310 --> 00:15:06,094
Robin, wait.
342
00:15:06,933 --> 00:15:09,052
Um... shoot. I haven't figured out
343
00:15:09,078 --> 00:15:10,970
what I'm gonna say yet. Keep going.
344
00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:13,761
Robin, wait.
345
00:15:14,883 --> 00:15:17,685
Look, I'm sorry that I
still have the Playbook.
346
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:20,782
It's just, it's filled
with a lifetime of great ideas.
347
00:15:20,788 --> 00:15:22,199
Am I supposed to just
leave all that behind?
348
00:15:22,217 --> 00:15:24,217
- Yes.
- But...
349
00:15:24,515 --> 00:15:26,589
"Weekend at Barney's"!
350
00:15:26,620 --> 00:15:27,886
Okay, what is that?
351
00:15:27,904 --> 00:15:30,112
Explain the "Weekend at Barney's" to me.
352
00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:31,057
What's to explain?
353
00:15:31,088 --> 00:15:32,257
I play a dead guy,
354
00:15:32,281 --> 00:15:33,814
and Ted and Marshall carry me around.
355
00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:35,966
Okay. And based on that,
girls want to sleep with you.
356
00:15:35,985 --> 00:15:37,451
- Big time.
- But you're dead.
357
00:15:37,605 --> 00:15:39,566
Yeah. Except not really, obviously.
358
00:15:39,584 --> 00:15:41,806
- But the girl thinks you're dead.
- No, she thinks I'm alive.
359
00:15:41,824 --> 00:15:42,940
- Which you are.
- Exactly.
360
00:15:42,961 --> 00:15:44,444
- Except you're dead.
- Exactly.
361
00:15:44,456 --> 00:15:46,236
- Except you're alive.
- Exactly.
362
00:15:46,255 --> 00:15:49,419
Okay, so instead of...
of being an alive person
363
00:15:49,456 --> 00:15:51,001
pretending to be a dead person
364
00:15:51,013 --> 00:15:53,023
pretending to be an alive person,
365
00:15:53,059 --> 00:15:55,254
why not just be an alive person?
366
00:15:56,069 --> 00:15:58,454
Okay, let's start from the beginning.
367
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:01,938
The movie is called Weekend at Bernie's.
368
00:16:02,672 --> 00:16:05,609
My name is Barney.
369
00:16:07,211 --> 00:16:09,134
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
370
00:16:09,308 --> 00:16:11,555
I don't know if you heard,
but I dropped some Skittles.
371
00:16:11,634 --> 00:16:13,829
Do you know what, I'm just gonna
go home before I make things worse.
372
00:16:13,858 --> 00:16:15,525
You're not going anywhere.
373
00:16:15,577 --> 00:16:16,743
We're a team.
374
00:16:16,933 --> 00:16:19,266
You stuck by me after my nip slip
375
00:16:19,285 --> 00:16:21,272
at your law school graduation.
376
00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:24,487
And after my nip slip
at the GNB Christmas party.
377
00:16:24,557 --> 00:16:25,882
And after my nip slip
378
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:28,059
at the Honeywell and
Coots Family Fun Day.
379
00:16:28,086 --> 00:16:29,625
I don't know why you
keep wearing that top.
380
00:16:30,127 --> 00:16:31,829
All right, I'll stay put,
381
00:16:31,851 --> 00:16:33,280
but I'm keeping my mouth shut.
382
00:16:33,311 --> 00:16:36,214
No more jokes, no more candy,
383
00:16:36,239 --> 00:16:38,289
no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
384
00:16:38,327 --> 00:16:40,212
Hey, are you guys
talking Ninja Turtles?
385
00:16:40,572 --> 00:16:42,565
I'm a huge TMNT fan.
386
00:16:42,674 --> 00:16:44,340
I grew up on those comic books.
387
00:16:44,368 --> 00:16:46,371
Me, too! I was obsessed.
388
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:48,616
Did you know that the
original comic debuted
389
00:16:48,647 --> 00:16:50,905
in 1984 at a convention
in New Hampshire?
390
00:16:50,931 --> 00:16:52,380
Uh, yes.
391
00:16:52,438 --> 00:16:54,318
Did you know that Eastman and
Laird always had their doubts
392
00:16:54,336 --> 00:16:56,146
about their characters
being commercialized?
393
00:16:56,161 --> 00:16:57,153
Yes!
394
00:16:57,171 --> 00:16:59,070
Did you know that the painting
on the back wall
395
00:16:59,088 --> 00:17:00,772
is inspired by Master Splinter?
396
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,923
Oh, the one of the rat doing karate.
397
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:05,574
I see it now.
398
00:17:05,839 --> 00:17:07,005
Hey, I'm Strickland.
399
00:17:07,032 --> 00:17:08,481
Hey. Marshall.
400
00:17:08,696 --> 00:17:11,542
And this is my wife, Lily,
who, as a matter of fact,
401
00:17:11,566 --> 00:17:14,799
happens to represent one of the biggest
art collectors in New York City.
402
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,031
I love your work.
403
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,804
It's great to see you
getting some recognition.
404
00:17:18,844 --> 00:17:20,677
Thank you. It's been a long haul.
405
00:17:20,728 --> 00:17:22,116
The first painting I ever sold,
406
00:17:22,134 --> 00:17:24,422
I used the money to get my car fixed.
407
00:17:25,653 --> 00:17:26,854
You might say...
408
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:29,691
I used it to make my van go.
409
00:17:30,889 --> 00:17:31,864
That's...
410
00:17:33,679 --> 00:17:36,450
Um, a little something
called rigor mortis?
411
00:17:37,021 --> 00:17:37,801
Oh, come on.
412
00:17:37,819 --> 00:17:39,863
Are you really this mad about a book?
413
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:43,136
You really think that this
is just about a book, Barney?
414
00:17:43,327 --> 00:17:44,525
You lied to me.
415
00:17:44,544 --> 00:17:45,786
If we're gonna be in a marriage
416
00:17:45,804 --> 00:17:48,577
and trust each other,
you can't lie to me ever.
417
00:17:48,709 --> 00:17:49,700
Really?
418
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:51,133
Well, that's just great.
419
00:17:51,152 --> 00:17:54,382
Because, in case you haven't
noticed these last eight years,
420
00:17:54,412 --> 00:17:56,546
lying is what I do best.
421
00:17:57,787 --> 00:17:59,714
I'm a magician, Robin.
422
00:17:59,817 --> 00:18:03,641
Misdirection and deceit
are my stock in trade.
423
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:05,535
You don't want me to lie to you?
424
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,124
Lies are the reason that we're together.
425
00:18:08,335 --> 00:18:09,865
Everything single thing I did
426
00:18:09,896 --> 00:18:11,512
to get you to say yes
to me on that rooftop...
427
00:18:11,559 --> 00:18:14,626
Patrice, the false
engagement, everything...
428
00:18:14,644 --> 00:18:17,033
it was all utter malarkey.
429
00:18:17,292 --> 00:18:18,086
But...
430
00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:20,620
underneath all of those lies
431
00:18:20,676 --> 00:18:22,215
is one true thing.
432
00:18:22,245 --> 00:18:25,286
One true thing that can
support the weight
433
00:18:25,311 --> 00:18:28,269
of all the lies in the world, and...
434
00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:30,650
and that's the fact that I love you.
435
00:18:30,930 --> 00:18:32,967
And you know that when I say that...
436
00:18:33,105 --> 00:18:34,604
I am not lying.
437
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,683
Wha...
438
00:18:56,592 --> 00:18:58,093
Did you just unhook my bra again?
439
00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:00,221
Jeanette,
440
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:01,427
this is great.
441
00:19:01,453 --> 00:19:02,988
We're back together.
442
00:19:03,614 --> 00:19:05,836
You're coming to Barney
and Robin's wedding.
443
00:19:05,869 --> 00:19:08,591
I found two wine glasses
you didn't smash.
444
00:19:08,672 --> 00:19:10,568
Call me crazy, but I've got a feeling,
445
00:19:10,593 --> 00:19:13,363
from here on out, it's gonna
be nothing but blue skies and...
446
00:19:13,396 --> 00:19:14,345
What...
447
00:19:14,365 --> 00:19:15,697
the hell...
448
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,126
is this?
449
00:19:21,148 --> 00:19:22,961
Check out this text from Ted.
450
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:29,304
Oh, my...
451
00:19:29,323 --> 00:19:31,415
What the hell happened here?
452
00:19:31,562 --> 00:19:33,657
Jeanette and I had a little spat.
453
00:19:35,916 --> 00:19:37,287
Would anyone like some wine?
454
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:38,839
It's a nice Côtes du Rhône.
455
00:19:38,871 --> 00:19:40,184
Still needs to breathe a bit.
456
00:19:40,203 --> 00:19:42,670
You know what? I got
a decanter upstairs, so...
457
00:19:44,682 --> 00:19:46,378
We should just drink it now.
458
00:19:46,498 --> 00:19:47,247
And for
459
00:19:47,265 --> 00:19:48,642
the grand finale,
460
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,265
I found your fireworks.
461
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,066
Let's see what they do
to your precious Playbook!
462
00:19:53,097 --> 00:19:53,791
No!
463
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:56,617
Jeanette, please,
that's Barney's life's work!
464
00:19:56,786 --> 00:19:58,355
It's fine, Ted.
465
00:19:58,937 --> 00:20:00,539
Blow it up, Jeanette.
466
00:20:01,192 --> 00:20:05,611
# Put a candle in the window
467
00:20:08,783 --> 00:20:13,403
# 'Cause I feel I've got to move #
468
00:20:16,419 --> 00:20:19,952
# Though I'm going, going
469
00:20:20,165 --> 00:20:23,416
# I'll be coming home soon
470
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:27,730
# Long as I can see the light... #
471
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:38,895
Okay.
472
00:20:39,228 --> 00:20:40,876
No more dating.
473
00:20:41,442 --> 00:20:43,309
I'm ready to settle down.
474
00:20:43,379 --> 00:20:44,413
And, kids...
475
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,201
for the first time in my life,
476
00:20:46,410 --> 00:20:47,910
I really meant it.
477
00:20:47,937 --> 00:20:48,885
Oh!
478
00:20:48,955 --> 00:20:50,815
- Oh...
- The boots...