1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:03,330
Kids, this is the story of the night
2
00:00:03,344 --> 00:00:05,526
Barney's life completely fell apart.
3
00:00:05,863 --> 00:00:07,580
My life is finally perfect,
4
00:00:07,601 --> 00:00:09,517
and that is never going to change.
5
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:10,994
Fired up for dinner
with my mom tonight?
6
00:00:11,019 --> 00:00:13,099
Yeah. To help
streamline the rest of our lives,
7
00:00:13,124 --> 00:00:15,985
you can always assume my answer
to that question is no.
8
00:00:16,010 --> 00:00:17,977
- W...
- I'm pretty nervous.
9
00:00:18,009 --> 00:00:20,561
Nervous? Why? It's
just gonna be two hours
10
00:00:20,584 --> 00:00:23,366
of "I love Barney the most".
"No, I love Barney the most".
11
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:25,904
You're right. I may not
even get a chance to talk.
12
00:00:26,062 --> 00:00:28,418
But I'm still... I don't
know. I'm worried she won't think
13
00:00:28,436 --> 00:00:31,828
I'm good enough to be engaged
to her precious little Love-Love.
14
00:00:31,914 --> 00:00:33,633
Okay, first of all,
15
00:00:33,819 --> 00:00:34,979
it's "Wuv-Wuv".
16
00:00:35,129 --> 00:00:36,798
And second, don't worry.
17
00:00:36,816 --> 00:00:38,379
I'm just gonna drop
off our catering deposit,
18
00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:39,923
and then I will be there for you.
- Mm.
19
00:00:39,942 --> 00:00:42,563
Okay, well, please don't be
late. I am counting on you tonight.
20
00:00:42,587 --> 00:00:44,662
And be careful... that's
5,000 bucks in there.
21
00:00:44,699 --> 00:00:48,081
Uh, I think I'll be
okay walking four blocks here
22
00:00:48,099 --> 00:00:50,323
on the Upper East Side.
23
00:00:57,239 --> 00:00:58,914
Please, I swear I never
talked to the North Koreans!
24
00:00:58,937 --> 00:01:02,087
Unless you are the North Koreans, in
which case I never talked to the South Koreans!
25
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,700
Barney Stinson,
26
00:01:03,722 --> 00:01:06,106
you are being kidnapped.
27
00:01:06,852 --> 00:01:08,858
For your surprise bachelor party!
28
00:01:08,882 --> 00:01:16,882
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
29
00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:25,384
A kidnapping.
30
00:01:25,422 --> 00:01:26,971
Respect.
31
00:01:27,038 --> 00:01:30,215
I was secretly worried you might not
be able to pull off my bachelor party.
32
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:32,262
Yeah, it wasn't that secret.
33
00:01:32,481 --> 00:01:35,051
You two? Planning my bachelor party?
34
00:01:35,780 --> 00:01:37,541
Look, you seem like nice kids.
35
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,148
But this is a sacred event,
36
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,679
a man's rite of passage with his bros.
37
00:01:41,732 --> 00:01:42,811
His...
38
00:01:42,861 --> 00:01:44,184
bro mitzvah!
39
00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:46,718
You didn't just think of that.
You've been saying it for months every...
40
00:01:46,730 --> 00:01:48,065
But here's my dilemma:
41
00:01:48,099 --> 00:01:50,943
my average night is like an
average guy's bachelor party.
42
00:01:50,956 --> 00:01:52,354
So, no offense, but if you two plan it,
43
00:01:52,366 --> 00:01:55,254
it's gonna be ordi... why
wait for it?... nary.
44
00:01:55,362 --> 00:01:56,638
Ordinary.
45
00:01:56,663 --> 00:01:57,551
I can help.
46
00:01:57,575 --> 00:01:59,191
You?
47
00:01:59,371 --> 00:02:00,989
Look, you seem like a nice kid,
48
00:02:01,001 --> 00:02:03,575
but bros' fiancées
cannot plan bachelor parties.
49
00:02:03,587 --> 00:02:04,911
Sorry. You two are on your own.
50
00:02:04,923 --> 00:02:07,203
And you will disappoint me.
51
00:02:07,621 --> 00:02:09,789
But make it great, okay?
52
00:02:10,253 --> 00:02:12,317
But this is a strong start.
53
00:02:12,328 --> 00:02:14,694
The students have become...
54
00:02:14,727 --> 00:02:17,061
the intermediate students.
55
00:02:17,362 --> 00:02:19,863
I just have to make one call.
56
00:02:21,751 --> 00:02:22,587
Hello.
57
00:02:22,605 --> 00:02:23,906
Robin, great news!
58
00:02:23,931 --> 00:02:25,985
I've been kidnapped for
a surprise bachelor party
59
00:02:26,010 --> 00:02:27,437
so I won't be there at all!
60
00:02:27,462 --> 00:02:30,489
What? Barney, I can't do
dinner with your mom alone.
61
00:02:30,514 --> 00:02:33,163
Okay, I'll call her, make
up an excuse and cancel.
62
00:02:33,175 --> 00:02:34,921
And don't worry, I'll
take all the blame.
63
00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:36,494
Hold on.
64
00:02:37,014 --> 00:02:38,315
Hi, Wuv-Wuv.
65
00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:39,921
Hi, Momsies.
66
00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:43,384
I forgot, I'm mentoring an underprivileged
child tonight,
67
00:02:43,403 --> 00:02:46,054
and Robin can't stand the
idea of dinner with you by herself,
68
00:02:46,073 --> 00:02:47,445
so we're not gonna be able to...
69
00:02:47,457 --> 00:02:49,514
Don't bother. She's already here.
70
00:02:49,619 --> 00:02:51,333
Hold on.
71
00:02:51,908 --> 00:02:54,184
Robin? Too late. She's already there.
72
00:02:54,318 --> 00:02:55,952
Barney, don't...
73
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,744
Robin can't stand the
idea of dinner with me?
74
00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:00,349
Great! We're all set then.
75
00:03:00,374 --> 00:03:01,600
Don't you leave me alone with her.
76
00:03:01,631 --> 00:03:03,874
- That problem is solved.
- I told you...
77
00:03:04,975 --> 00:03:06,089
So what's the plan?
78
00:03:06,113 --> 00:03:08,509
Well, you know the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
79
00:03:08,836 --> 00:03:10,212
Yeah.
80
00:03:10,237 --> 00:03:12,369
You know the secret penthouse
81
00:03:12,382 --> 00:03:15,171
in the top of the Taj Mahal
in Atlantic City?
82
00:03:15,253 --> 00:03:17,110
Yeah!
83
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,942
Boom! There it is.
84
00:03:18,995 --> 00:03:20,828
Visible from our window.
85
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,969
In the distance.
86
00:03:23,390 --> 00:03:24,401
Behind the refinery.
87
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,220
Okay, you can't quite see it.
88
00:03:26,278 --> 00:03:28,734
Why are we outside Atlantic City?
89
00:03:28,797 --> 00:03:30,706
Well, we thought it was best,
90
00:03:30,726 --> 00:03:33,132
what with your
weakness for games of chance.
91
00:03:33,665 --> 00:03:36,702
Kids, Barney was addicted to
one Chinese gambling game
92
00:03:36,714 --> 00:03:38,913
that was, well, sort of complicated.
93
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,352
But don't worry.
94
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,080
Back when you were engaged to Quinn,
95
00:03:42,098 --> 00:03:44,613
you told us everything
you wanted for tonight.
96
00:03:44,944 --> 00:03:47,615
A bachelor party is a man's...
97
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:50,744
bro mitzvah!
98
00:03:50,819 --> 00:03:53,107
- Did you just think of that?
- Totally!
99
00:03:53,422 --> 00:03:54,915
We can wear...
100
00:03:54,965 --> 00:03:56,683
bro-mulkes...
101
00:03:57,346 --> 00:04:00,190
spin the bro-del...
102
00:04:00,676 --> 00:04:02,970
and consult the wisdom
103
00:04:03,081 --> 00:04:05,924
of the Bro-rah.
104
00:04:06,224 --> 00:04:07,999
Written in...
105
00:04:08,405 --> 00:04:09,646
He-bro.
106
00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:11,028
Not at all bro-ffensive.
107
00:04:11,090 --> 00:04:14,445
Ooh, ooh! Couple other
ideas... and I'm just spitballing here...
108
00:04:14,457 --> 00:04:16,028
so take 'em or leave 'em.
109
00:04:16,053 --> 00:04:18,502
Booze, duh, cigars,
duh, strippers, duh...
110
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:21,468
Ooh! Things should get so crazy that
at some point we should fear for our lives.
111
00:04:21,493 --> 00:04:24,222
Oh, we'll fear for our lives, all right.
112
00:04:24,796 --> 00:04:28,366
When we watch Al
Gore's An Inconvenient Truth!
113
00:04:29,004 --> 00:04:31,492
Yeah. We're gonna pound a
beer every time we hear the word
114
00:04:31,510 --> 00:04:33,257
"catastrophic"
115
00:04:34,212 --> 00:04:35,338
Oh!
116
00:04:35,702 --> 00:04:37,059
Could that be...
117
00:04:37,084 --> 00:04:39,509
the next item on your list?
118
00:04:39,549 --> 00:04:41,314
Mind-blowing entertainment,
119
00:04:41,339 --> 00:04:45,305
like a naked fire
show or a naked magic show.
120
00:04:45,336 --> 00:04:47,567
There's a good chance our
engagement doesn't work out, isn't there?
121
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:48,411
Not now, honey.
122
00:04:48,429 --> 00:04:50,783
Or a naked contortionist!
123
00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:52,277
Or...
124
00:04:52,308 --> 00:04:54,629
a balloon contortionist!
125
00:04:58,130 --> 00:04:59,176
Balloons.
126
00:04:59,201 --> 00:05:02,020
Not the inflatable,
round, squishy pouches
127
00:05:02,026 --> 00:05:03,748
I was hoping to see tonight.
128
00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:06,292
Hold on.
129
00:05:06,329 --> 00:05:08,067
I told you no clown.
130
00:05:08,091 --> 00:05:10,265
Well, you didn't like
the bubble guy either.
131
00:05:10,295 --> 00:05:11,128
Hey, Robin.
132
00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:13,493
Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin?
133
00:05:13,516 --> 00:05:16,136
What? Why would you think that?
134
00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:19,018
- Save yourself room for dessert.
- Mmm.
135
00:05:19,356 --> 00:05:22,818
And I hear you excel at saving yourself.
136
00:05:24,007 --> 00:05:25,544
You are so funny.
137
00:05:25,562 --> 00:05:27,025
What's gotten into you?
138
00:05:27,051 --> 00:05:30,501
Oh, that's right... nothing ever.
139
00:05:32,305 --> 00:05:36,040
You may be nervous as to what goes
where on your wedding night.
140
00:05:36,065 --> 00:05:38,137
It's really simple.
141
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,454
Let me show you.
142
00:05:41,987 --> 00:05:44,864
And let's start with the fundamentals.
143
00:05:45,117 --> 00:05:47,018
Why would you tell her I'm a virgin?
144
00:05:47,036 --> 00:05:48,149
I panicked.
145
00:05:48,170 --> 00:05:49,814
Look, I really want her to like you,
146
00:05:49,838 --> 00:05:51,799
so just go with it, okay? Okay!
147
00:05:51,821 --> 00:05:53,927
Listen, Wuv-Wuv, you
better get your ass back...
148
00:05:55,349 --> 00:05:56,894
Another guest?
149
00:05:57,201 --> 00:05:59,163
Who could this be?
150
00:06:00,245 --> 00:06:01,558
Why, it's Lily!
151
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:03,783
And she's here to
deliver one of your requests!
152
00:06:03,806 --> 00:06:05,561
Oh, thank you, Marshall.
153
00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:07,088
Oh, not that one.
154
00:06:07,381 --> 00:06:10,066
An appearance by my all-time idol,
155
00:06:10,079 --> 00:06:11,689
the Karate Kid!
156
00:06:11,709 --> 00:06:14,326
The Karate Kid was an
uplifting '80s classic
157
00:06:14,338 --> 00:06:16,337
about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio,
158
00:06:16,349 --> 00:06:19,596
who defeats the local
jerk, played by William Zabka.
159
00:06:19,642 --> 00:06:21,439
At least, that's how most people saw it.
160
00:06:21,463 --> 00:06:22,880
Here he is,
161
00:06:22,907 --> 00:06:27,113
just as hot as when his Tiger
Beat photo spread gave a young girl
162
00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:30,824
the courage to explore the suddenly
unfamiliar topography
163
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:33,057
of her changing body...
164
00:06:33,537 --> 00:06:36,080
the Karate Kid!
165
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:38,258
Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.
166
00:06:38,297 --> 00:06:40,881
- Listen, it's always flattering...
- No!
167
00:06:41,085 --> 00:06:43,190
I hate Ralph Macchio!
168
00:06:43,238 --> 00:06:45,190
I hate him, hate him, hate him!
169
00:06:45,208 --> 00:06:47,315
He is not the Karate Kid!
170
00:06:47,339 --> 00:06:49,571
The Karate Kid was William Zabka,
171
00:06:49,652 --> 00:06:52,324
star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo,
172
00:06:52,406 --> 00:06:55,137
who this monster defeated with a cheap,
173
00:06:55,173 --> 00:06:57,192
illegal head-kick
174
00:06:57,215 --> 00:07:02,106
in the most tragically
haunting film ending of all time.
175
00:07:02,318 --> 00:07:04,925
Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy.
176
00:07:04,950 --> 00:07:06,936
Shut it, Ralph Macchio.
177
00:07:06,990 --> 00:07:09,040
Why don't you go have a
party with Luke Skywalker
178
00:07:09,091 --> 00:07:12,595
and Harry Potter and War Horse
and all the other movie bad guys
179
00:07:12,631 --> 00:07:15,448
and stop ruining mine!
180
00:07:15,867 --> 00:07:18,267
This night has been catastrophic.
181
00:07:18,286 --> 00:07:20,850
"Catastrophic"! Everybody pound.
182
00:07:21,324 --> 00:07:22,917
Sorry, bro.
183
00:07:22,948 --> 00:07:23,967
I'm staying.
184
00:07:23,992 --> 00:07:26,658
If this is anything like my bachelor
party... strippers, booze,
185
00:07:26,670 --> 00:07:28,179
definitely no hand
stuff... wink-wink...
186
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:31,373
it is gonna be in... wait for it...
187
00:07:31,616 --> 00:07:32,498
credible.
188
00:07:32,516 --> 00:07:34,204
- Incredible!
- Wow.
189
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:36,957
- You guys are actually a lot alike.
- You take that back, sir!
190
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,310
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
191
00:07:40,458 --> 00:07:42,918
I mean, did you guys
even get a stripper?
192
00:07:42,945 --> 00:07:44,111
Bro.
193
00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:45,413
Bro.
194
00:07:45,452 --> 00:07:47,151
Of course we got a stripper.
195
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:49,765
Do we look like the kind of dweebs
196
00:07:49,943 --> 00:07:51,637
who wouldn't get a stripper?
197
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,883
And as the saying goes,
198
00:07:54,926 --> 00:07:57,957
what happens in the sensibly-priced
business hotel outside Atlantic City
199
00:07:57,981 --> 00:08:01,635
stays in the sensibly-priced
business hotel outside Atlantic City.
200
00:08:03,459 --> 00:08:04,403
Who is it?
201
00:08:04,427 --> 00:08:07,300
Police. We got a noise complaint from...
202
00:08:07,355 --> 00:08:09,371
Oh, who am I kidding? I
can tell it's dead in there.
203
00:08:09,396 --> 00:08:11,510
I'm the stripper!
204
00:08:14,978 --> 00:08:16,035
Barney?
205
00:08:16,053 --> 00:08:17,752
Quinn?
206
00:08:23,731 --> 00:08:26,689
This is your bachelor party?
You're engaged again,
207
00:08:26,708 --> 00:08:29,175
less than a year after we broke up?
208
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:31,718
- Is it Robin?
- Now, hold on.
209
00:08:31,749 --> 00:08:34,598
You're not the only
one with questions here.
210
00:08:34,940 --> 00:08:37,589
You didn't vet the stripper?
211
00:08:37,735 --> 00:08:39,738
Well, I'm glad you're so happy.
212
00:08:39,777 --> 00:08:42,002
After we broke up, I had
to move out of the city,
213
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:45,694
my car got totaled, and I had to
go back to stripping just to pay rent.
214
00:08:45,812 --> 00:08:49,398
It's like everywhere I
look, my life is a dead-end.
215
00:08:49,777 --> 00:08:50,996
Wow.
216
00:08:51,015 --> 00:08:52,115
I am...
217
00:08:52,139 --> 00:08:54,398
I'm so sorry, Quinn.
218
00:08:55,112 --> 00:08:56,436
So, how does this work?
219
00:08:56,461 --> 00:08:59,731
- Do you give me a private show, or does everyone...?
- I am not stripping for you.
220
00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:02,006
Whoa, whoa! I was promised boobs.
221
00:09:02,024 --> 00:09:04,187
- Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can...
- Lily.
222
00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:05,578
Is that the Karate Kid?
223
00:09:05,602 --> 00:09:07,082
- Yes! - Yes!
- Yes! - No!
224
00:09:07,107 --> 00:09:10,052
- He's a lot like Barney, huh?
- You take that back, madam.
225
00:09:10,076 --> 00:09:12,683
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
226
00:09:12,826 --> 00:09:14,787
Okay, okay. I'll tell you what.
227
00:09:14,806 --> 00:09:17,628
I am going to strip for everyone here
228
00:09:17,674 --> 00:09:19,312
except Barney.
229
00:09:19,330 --> 00:09:21,759
And I'm gonna make it dirty.
230
00:09:21,874 --> 00:09:24,804
Yeah... I'm the bachelor.
231
00:09:24,854 --> 00:09:27,354
Kind of no stripping without
the lap of honor.
232
00:09:27,410 --> 00:09:29,223
Back me up, bros.
233
00:09:32,849 --> 00:09:34,070
How'd you even do that?
234
00:09:34,101 --> 00:09:36,256
- What the...?
- Oh, my God, yeah!
235
00:09:36,355 --> 00:09:37,156
Hey, Robin.
236
00:09:37,181 --> 00:09:39,453
Hey, sweetie, having
fun at your bachelor party?
237
00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:41,996
- No.
- Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
238
00:09:42,605 --> 00:09:44,730
And that's the inverted chimney sweep,
239
00:09:44,742 --> 00:09:47,985
the last of the 17
basic sexual positions.
240
00:09:48,074 --> 00:09:50,736
- Now, bondage...
- Stop! I'm not a virgin!
241
00:09:50,818 --> 00:09:53,407
My napkin ring has
seen plenty of breadsticks.
242
00:09:54,003 --> 00:09:55,692
And one baguette.
243
00:09:55,794 --> 00:09:57,411
I dated a center for the Knicks.
244
00:09:57,433 --> 00:10:00,005
Oh, thank God you're not a prude.
245
00:10:00,023 --> 00:10:01,900
Now we can really talk.
246
00:10:01,943 --> 00:10:03,942
Four cosmos, pronto!
247
00:10:04,291 --> 00:10:05,789
Now she's drunk,
248
00:10:05,818 --> 00:10:08,003
holding up a napkin
ring and three breadsticks,
249
00:10:08,015 --> 00:10:10,581
and talking about her night
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
250
00:10:10,614 --> 00:10:13,034
Waiter, can I have another breadstick?
251
00:10:13,111 --> 00:10:13,905
And Young.
252
00:10:13,935 --> 00:10:15,358
Please come back.
253
00:10:16,427 --> 00:10:19,282
Okay. I'll be there soon.
254
00:10:19,775 --> 00:10:20,909
- Real nice.
- So beautiful.
255
00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:23,644
I think we really did it. I
think we did it, you know?
256
00:10:23,978 --> 00:10:25,358
You didn't miss a thing.
257
00:10:25,364 --> 00:10:26,621
- Oh, Quinn?
- Yeah?
258
00:10:26,648 --> 00:10:29,124
You got a little... something.
259
00:10:29,643 --> 00:10:31,679
Oh! Oh.
260
00:10:35,672 --> 00:10:37,277
Let's head back, guys.
261
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,385
This night has been completely
half-assed.
262
00:10:39,415 --> 00:10:42,090
- You obviously missed
the strip show. - Hey-oh!
263
00:10:42,186 --> 00:10:45,049
Ted, this was my bachelor party.
264
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,597
A man only gets two or
three of these in his lifetime.
265
00:10:48,804 --> 00:10:50,341
And this is all you do for me?
266
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,394
That's it, I'm calling it.
267
00:10:52,498 --> 00:10:55,219
Who needs a ride back to the city?
268
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:59,615
Oh. Oh, guys, wait, hold on, hold on.
269
00:11:01,246 --> 00:11:02,777
Drinking.
270
00:11:02,922 --> 00:11:04,191
A shot.
271
00:11:05,277 --> 00:11:06,740
Shooting.
272
00:11:06,774 --> 00:11:08,206
A gun.
273
00:11:08,995 --> 00:11:10,362
Shot, gun.
274
00:11:10,383 --> 00:11:11,582
Shotgun?
275
00:11:13,101 --> 00:11:14,660
Man, it's crowded in here.
276
00:11:14,684 --> 00:11:17,032
I know, it's like a clown car.
277
00:11:17,205 --> 00:11:19,669
Well, I can make some room
by grinding on Ralph's lap.
278
00:11:19,675 --> 00:11:22,276
Si-Sitting! I meant, I meant sitting.
279
00:11:22,296 --> 00:11:24,626
This is the worst bachelor party ever.
280
00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:29,688
Man, my bachelor party
was incr... wait for it...
281
00:11:29,781 --> 00:11:33,473
and I hope you're hungry, 'cause the
second half of this word is... edible!
282
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:35,020
Incredible!
283
00:11:35,045 --> 00:11:36,749
Self-shake.
284
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,161
You take that back, clown.
285
00:11:40,180 --> 00:11:42,888
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
286
00:11:42,991 --> 00:11:45,097
Yeah. You've got more in
common with the clown,
287
00:11:45,109 --> 00:11:46,616
except his suit's more expensive.
288
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,984
Hey, yo!
289
00:11:48,009 --> 00:11:50,053
I mean, what kind of
loser has his bachelor party
290
00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:53,089
ten yards from A.C.
and doesn't even gamble?
291
00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:02,681
- Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
292
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,102
Sorry. Sorry.
293
00:12:05,940 --> 00:12:06,905
Sorry.
294
00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,230
Oh... oh, wait.
295
00:12:08,247 --> 00:12:10,200
Just a little more. Okay, sorry.
296
00:12:10,224 --> 00:12:11,502
Okay.
297
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:17,026
bro mitzvah!
298
00:12:18,012 --> 00:12:19,811
Kids, I'll skip over the gambling.
299
00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:22,053
Like I said, it was a complicated game.
300
00:12:22,078 --> 00:12:24,641
Although your old man did
pick it up pretty quickly.
301
00:12:26,673 --> 00:12:27,778
Hey!
302
00:12:28,016 --> 00:12:29,364
You just won 300 bucks!
303
00:12:29,376 --> 00:12:31,698
I just lost $5,000.
304
00:12:31,735 --> 00:12:33,459
Oh, right. 'Cause the chicken.
305
00:12:33,478 --> 00:12:35,311
Yep, that-that's $5,000, yeah.
306
00:12:37,343 --> 00:12:38,600
See, I'm laughing
307
00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:40,785
because you couldn't
see me take my top off,
308
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:43,073
but I just saw you lose
your shirt. - Hey-yo!
309
00:12:43,966 --> 00:12:44,880
We have to go back.
310
00:12:44,905 --> 00:12:47,506
Loser! Sorry, that was a real sneeze.
311
00:12:47,537 --> 00:12:49,778
Might have made you
miss what I was saying.
312
00:12:49,873 --> 00:12:51,887
- Loser!
- Loser.
313
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,102
We're not going anywhere.
314
00:12:54,125 --> 00:12:56,525
I can still make this night legendary.
315
00:12:56,550 --> 00:12:58,116
Uh...
316
00:13:01,393 --> 00:13:02,854
Oh, oh.
317
00:13:02,934 --> 00:13:05,420
Okay, I got some credit.
318
00:13:05,438 --> 00:13:06,967
I just... mm...
319
00:13:06,992 --> 00:13:10,129
- Marshall, stand over there for good luck?
- Oh, sure.
320
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,795
Okay, okay.
321
00:13:23,458 --> 00:13:26,327
Oh! Oh!
322
00:13:26,412 --> 00:13:28,825
You crazy son of a bitch, you did it!
323
00:13:28,856 --> 00:13:31,985
I just lost $80,000.
324
00:13:32,158 --> 00:13:33,858
Oh, right, right, yeah. 'Cause
the black jelly bean.
325
00:13:33,876 --> 00:13:36,380
- That-That's
$80,000. - He's right.
326
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:39,435
You know, Ralph,
327
00:13:39,460 --> 00:13:43,809
earlier at the salon, I
waxed on, then waxed off.
328
00:13:43,843 --> 00:13:45,378
Everywhere.
329
00:13:45,489 --> 00:13:48,590
Uh, listen, lady, your
husband is, like...
330
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:50,760
Hey, where is your husband?
331
00:13:50,772 --> 00:13:52,154
Marshall?
332
00:13:52,181 --> 00:13:53,464
Where's Marshall?
333
00:13:53,516 --> 00:13:57,003
Okay, Lily, don't overreact, but...
334
00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:01,687
Oh, oh.
335
00:14:01,818 --> 00:14:04,430
Okay, I got some credit.
336
00:14:04,580 --> 00:14:07,824
- Marshall, stand over there for good luck?
- Oh, sure.
337
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:13,784
You sold my husband?
338
00:14:13,789 --> 00:14:16,291
Lily, can you be more
like the Chinese mobster
339
00:14:16,308 --> 00:14:17,942
and give me some credit?
340
00:14:17,992 --> 00:14:20,484
I'm going back for Marshall,
I just need to get some money.
341
00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:23,154
You have nothing to worry
about, these are the "good" mobsters.
342
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:26,454
Wow, what kind of bozo
does that to a friend?
343
00:14:26,475 --> 00:14:28,645
Shut it, Ralph Macchio!
344
00:14:28,670 --> 00:14:30,239
No, you shut it!
345
00:14:30,299 --> 00:14:32,923
Ralph Macchio's right, you are a bozo.
346
00:14:32,954 --> 00:14:35,742
Um, I think they prefer
"people of bright color".
347
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:37,323
You know what a bachelor party's about?
348
00:14:37,341 --> 00:14:39,559
Hanging out with your
friends and having a good time.
349
00:14:39,584 --> 00:14:42,828
But you only care about the
good time, not the friends.
350
00:14:42,892 --> 00:14:45,706
So you know what? I'm-I'm
done caring about you then.
351
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,131
I'm out of here.
352
00:14:47,155 --> 00:14:48,842
Ted...
353
00:14:50,141 --> 00:14:52,232
Ted, Ted, I have...
354
00:14:52,251 --> 00:14:55,562
I just tore your mom
away from a living version
355
00:14:55,581 --> 00:14:58,382
of a Nick Nolte mug shot
and put her in a cab home.
356
00:14:58,438 --> 00:15:00,155
Thank you for abandoning me
357
00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:03,160
on what has been one of the
worst nights of my life.
358
00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:05,812
So, it's my usual
fee, plus I always charge
359
00:15:05,824 --> 00:15:07,930
an extra hundred for
girl-on-clown action.
360
00:15:08,626 --> 00:15:10,190
What the hell is she doing here?
361
00:15:10,203 --> 00:15:11,910
Robin, I swear, nothing happened.
362
00:15:11,928 --> 00:15:14,276
That means just hand stuff.
363
00:15:14,691 --> 00:15:15,629
- You...!
- Oh!
364
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:19,214
No, no, stop, stop, stop!
365
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:21,949
Sorry, Barney, this...
366
00:15:22,342 --> 00:15:24,561
this-this is unforgivable.
367
00:15:24,862 --> 00:15:26,631
It's over.
368
00:15:28,538 --> 00:15:30,434
You know...
369
00:15:31,436 --> 00:15:33,623
I never got to do that.
370
00:15:43,748 --> 00:15:45,083
Ted?
371
00:15:45,107 --> 00:15:46,008
Robin.
372
00:15:46,027 --> 00:15:48,226
We're right on schedule.
373
00:15:52,896 --> 00:15:55,282
- Barney is suicidal.
- I know, it's awesome!
374
00:15:56,044 --> 00:15:59,079
Yep, kids, we had planned out
every step of the night.
375
00:15:59,387 --> 00:16:01,049
It started three weeks earlier.
376
00:16:01,091 --> 00:16:03,301
and you will disappoint me.
377
00:16:03,766 --> 00:16:05,884
But make it great, okay?
378
00:16:05,998 --> 00:16:08,261
Oh, it'll be great, all right!
379
00:16:09,056 --> 00:16:13,058
Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming,
all I have on my list so far is Purell.
380
00:16:13,096 --> 00:16:14,258
Marshall, what do you got?
381
00:16:14,297 --> 00:16:16,149
Well, nothing now.
382
00:16:16,330 --> 00:16:17,996
This is impossible!
383
00:16:18,008 --> 00:16:19,837
How do you make
something memorable for a guy
384
00:16:19,862 --> 00:16:22,599
who makes every night the
best night of his life?
385
00:16:23,227 --> 00:16:25,841
Give him the worst night of his life.
386
00:16:26,511 --> 00:16:29,300
We'll give him the worst hotel room
387
00:16:29,318 --> 00:16:31,272
with the worst entertainment,
388
00:16:31,284 --> 00:16:33,425
the wrong Karate Kid,
389
00:16:33,452 --> 00:16:36,686
and the absolute last
stripper he would want to see.
390
00:16:36,738 --> 00:16:37,644
Hold on.
391
00:16:37,679 --> 00:16:39,560
You want me to
pretend my life's gone to crap
392
00:16:39,579 --> 00:16:43,154
and I'm back to stripping just
screw with my ex-fiancé?
393
00:16:43,398 --> 00:16:44,664
I love it!
394
00:16:45,545 --> 00:16:48,751
That party will be so
terrible, he'll have to leave it.
395
00:16:49,021 --> 00:16:52,083
Then I'll instruct his
arch-nemesis to say...
396
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:54,150
"I mean, what kind of
loser has his bachelor party
397
00:16:54,163 --> 00:16:57,108
ten yards from A.C. and
doesn't even gamble?"
398
00:16:57,173 --> 00:16:59,463
Barney will take the
envelope of cash I gave him
399
00:16:59,481 --> 00:17:01,872
and head straight into our trap.
400
00:17:01,941 --> 00:17:02,672
Hold on.
401
00:17:02,711 --> 00:17:04,530
You want us to rig a casino game
402
00:17:04,554 --> 00:17:07,386
to trick one of our
former high rollers?
403
00:17:07,885 --> 00:17:08,748
Um...
404
00:17:08,772 --> 00:17:09,805
I love it.
405
00:17:10,554 --> 00:17:13,675
Well, then you get Barney to
use one of these guys as collateral.
406
00:17:13,693 --> 00:17:15,474
- He'll probably choose me.
- What?
407
00:17:15,574 --> 00:17:18,172
Well, I'd be worth
more. Yeah. Perfect teeth.
408
00:17:18,478 --> 00:17:19,878
Yeah, it's just...
409
00:17:19,923 --> 00:17:22,606
just I'm way more athletic than you.
410
00:17:22,618 --> 00:17:25,036
Yeah, this coming from the guy
who's never beaten me at skee-ball.
411
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,914
The only reason a mobster
might choose you is because
412
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,374
they'd be afraid I'd go all
"Marshall Unchained" on them,
413
00:17:29,399 --> 00:17:30,905
which obviously isn't a risk with you.
414
00:17:30,930 --> 00:17:33,205
Oh, you want to see some
"Ted Unchained," huh?
415
00:17:33,229 --> 00:17:35,415
I'll show you Ted Unchained!
416
00:17:36,665 --> 00:17:38,624
Marshall, would you mind
standing over there for good luck?
417
00:17:38,643 --> 00:17:40,980
Oh, yeah, sure.
418
00:17:45,102 --> 00:17:46,365
Meanwhile, I'll make sure
419
00:17:46,383 --> 00:17:49,646
he's abandoned me in
my nightmare scenario.
420
00:17:49,678 --> 00:17:53,142
Hold on. You want me to help
you trick my own son?
421
00:17:53,814 --> 00:17:55,593
I love it.
422
00:17:55,599 --> 00:17:57,087
Barney deserves it.
423
00:17:57,105 --> 00:17:58,975
You know, he told me you were a virgin.
424
00:17:59,706 --> 00:18:00,785
Ridiculous!
425
00:18:00,804 --> 00:18:01,800
I know.
426
00:18:01,825 --> 00:18:05,313
You are a dirty ho-bag just like me.
427
00:18:05,457 --> 00:18:07,522
But he loves you so much.
428
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,919
And so do I.
429
00:18:10,803 --> 00:18:13,017
Wait, hold on. Is there any chance
430
00:18:13,036 --> 00:18:15,710
this is all too mean to Barney?
431
00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:20,411
Just kidding.
432
00:18:20,548 --> 00:18:22,068
Okay, we just need the finale.
433
00:18:22,099 --> 00:18:26,332
Oh! The Chinese mobsters chop
off my hand right in front of Barney!
434
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,553
Yes, we're all equally enthused!
435
00:18:30,988 --> 00:18:33,196
Okay, here's the
plan. After I storm off...
436
00:18:34,198 --> 00:18:35,148
Barney!
437
00:18:35,166 --> 00:18:36,832
Barney, hurry! Give them the money!
438
00:18:36,844 --> 00:18:38,700
- Please, hurry!
- Oh, no!
439
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,819
The Chinese mobster is
giving Marshall back
440
00:18:40,844 --> 00:18:42,593
and taking me hostage instead,
441
00:18:42,618 --> 00:18:45,470
because he says I'm obviously
more valuable!
442
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,208
Can you, can you unlock the door?
443
00:18:47,220 --> 00:18:48,552
Barney, please!
444
00:18:48,589 --> 00:18:51,117
- They're gonna chop off my hand!
- No, they're not!
445
00:18:51,138 --> 00:18:52,601
They said you're free, and I think
446
00:18:52,619 --> 00:18:54,739
we agreed that's not something
mobsters would do.
447
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,651
Ted, come on! This is my thing!
448
00:18:56,826 --> 00:18:58,911
Don't hurt him. I've got the money.
449
00:18:58,950 --> 00:19:00,366
Too late!
450
00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:05,660
Not my skee-ball hand!
451
00:19:06,199 --> 00:19:08,193
- No...!
- No...!
452
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:09,992
No!
453
00:19:10,825 --> 00:19:13,895
Please, just don't shoot me
in the face... or the crotch!
454
00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:16,193
Surprise!
455
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,474
What's going on?
456
00:19:18,498 --> 00:19:22,085
Well, we decided to give you
everything you wanted for your bachelor party
457
00:19:22,097 --> 00:19:24,496
without you even realizing it.
458
00:19:25,902 --> 00:19:29,151
Wait, so that's why you made
me think Marshall might die?
459
00:19:29,448 --> 00:19:32,782
And I'd lost all that
money and my friends hated me
460
00:19:32,801 --> 00:19:34,976
and my wedding was off?
461
00:19:35,125 --> 00:19:37,699
You just decided to-to check off
462
00:19:37,729 --> 00:19:41,912
everything on this list in
the most twisted way imaginable?
463
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:43,354
That is
464
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,172
awesome!
465
00:19:45,413 --> 00:19:47,645
And it was all planned by a girl.
466
00:19:47,676 --> 00:19:49,787
Wow!
467
00:19:51,135 --> 00:19:53,214
So, Lily...
468
00:19:53,904 --> 00:19:55,965
later on tonight, you want to...?
469
00:19:55,971 --> 00:19:57,729
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
470
00:19:57,747 --> 00:19:59,885
That was all just part of the act.
471
00:19:59,919 --> 00:20:01,922
Y
- You knew that, right?
472
00:20:02,270 --> 00:20:03,915
Yeah! Totally.
473
00:20:03,946 --> 00:20:05,889
We pulled it off, right?
474
00:20:05,929 --> 00:20:07,618
Platonic shake!
475
00:20:12,937 --> 00:20:18,315
Everyone, everyone, thank you
for an incredible bro mitzvah.
476
00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:19,649
Mazel brov!
477
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:21,339
Mazel brov!
478
00:20:23,034 --> 00:20:25,945
Mm, oh, you didn't really
get everything on the list.
479
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,628
N
- No offense to Ralph Macchio,
480
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,900
but he ain't the Karate Kid.
481
00:20:30,134 --> 00:20:32,487
I couldn't agree with you more.
482
00:20:34,284 --> 00:20:35,873
You know,
483
00:20:36,116 --> 00:20:38,116
they almost didn't get me.
484
00:20:39,234 --> 00:20:42,001
But after 18 voice mails...
485
00:20:43,749 --> 00:20:46,141
I returned Robin's call.
486
00:20:46,686 --> 00:20:48,242
And she told me
487
00:20:48,278 --> 00:20:49,822
how you're one of the
few people in the world
488
00:20:49,834 --> 00:20:52,434
who truly gets The Karate Kid movie.
489
00:20:54,442 --> 00:20:57,094
So when she asked if I'd help,
490
00:20:57,636 --> 00:21:00,053
well, my answer just had to be...
491
00:21:01,955 --> 00:21:03,739
Hai!
492
00:21:04,150 --> 00:21:06,450
William Zabka!