1 00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,436 Ted: Look at this, 2 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,438 Your wedding weekend. I know. 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,640 This close to finally having sex again. 4 00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,209 It's been forever. 5 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,643 Oh, you and robin been abstaining? 6 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:12,945 Talking about you, ted. 7 00:00:12,947 --> 00:00:14,880 Now here's the deal: Every hookup 8 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:17,549 At a weekend wedding is decided at Friday night drinks. 9 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,351 Get stuck with the wrong girl 10 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,553 Tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend 11 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,323 Is a self-five, and I don't mean the cool kind. 12 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,992 (chuckles) self-five! That's the cool kind. 13 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,360 Well, that's a big decision. 14 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,329 The biggest. 15 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:33,565 It brings to mind that religious text 16 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,667 Which we hold most sacred: 17 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:39,204 Indiana jones and the last crusade. 18 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,974 Remember? They entered a chamber. 19 00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:44,576 Really? I'm the one working with the nazis? 20 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,980 Ted, just... Just... Okay? 21 00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:50,215 Yeah. They had to choose 22 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,484 Which cup was this special cup. 23 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,086 I forget what it was called, 24 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,988 But it's like the holy grail of cups. 25 00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:58,590 It was the holy grail. Of cups, exactly. 26 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,927 So the nazi confederate chose, and... 27 00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:04,229 (quietly): Please don't make me do that... 28 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,598 Ted, ted, the confederate nazi chose, and...? I... 29 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,267 Okay, okay. 30 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,002 Oh. 31 00:01:14,607 --> 00:01:16,308 And so, now, I'm gonna explode. 32 00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,244 He chose... 33 00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,679 Poorly. 34 00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:24,750 Then indy picked a cup, and... 35 00:01:28,688 --> 00:01:30,522 You chose... 36 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,024 Wisely. 37 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:37,029 (playing surf guitar) 38 00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:40,299 So choose wisely, ted. 39 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,402 To help you decide, I spent all day yesterday 40 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,636 Picking your top three prospects. 41 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,038 And I helped. 42 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,539 It was either that or writing our vows. 43 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,041 Uch! Gag. 44 00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:52,311 Sophia was robin's college roommate, 45 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:55,314 And she's apparently "a bit of a screamer" in the sack. 46 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,748 Yeah, during sex, 47 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,984 She sounds exactly like a car alarm from the '90s. 48 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:04,089 You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo, ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah. 49 00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:05,591 Dudes love it. 50 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:08,660 Cassie is the daughter of my mom's best friend. 51 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:12,097 Sad story: 12 years ago, her gymnast career 52 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:16,235 Was tragically cut short when her boobs got too big. 53 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,670 Grace is a new coworker. 54 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,507 She's had six different positions at the firm, 55 00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,575 And that was just at the christmas party. 56 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,177 Ooh. 57 00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,678 So, grace doesn't arrive till later, mm-hmm. 58 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,348 I recommend (whistles) sophia. 59 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:34,186 I strongly feel that you should strongly feel her. 60 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,188 I guess it's decided, then. 61 00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,023 Ted, right? Yeah. 62 00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,591 I'm cassie. 63 00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,693 Oh... Something tells me 64 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:45,264 That we are gonna have a lot of fun this weekend. (chuckles) 65 00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,401 (quietly): Cassie. I pick cassie. 66 00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,373 You chose... 67 00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,408 Poorly. 68 00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:12,558 Hey, there's our minister. 69 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,793 Oh, what a sweet-looking old... 70 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,829 Ah! He looks scary. 71 00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,298 Looks can be deceiving, lily. 72 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,566 But not in this case. 73 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,134 He's a mean old tool. 74 00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,638 Oh, he can't be that bad. 75 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,807 I'll get him to come around. 76 00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:31,743 Hi, reverend. 77 00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,379 I'm lily aldrin, the maid of honor. 78 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,081 Not too much honor. 79 00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:38,317 You're dressed like a whore. 80 00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,620 (mouthing) 81 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,757 So what's going on? Why aren't you telling your wife 82 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,326 You got an offer to be a judge? 83 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,661 Lily had her heart set on us moving to rome, 84 00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,563 So I have to tell her in person. 85 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,732 That way, I know that I can convince her 86 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,434 That we need to stay. 87 00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:58,737 In the courtroom, they call me the convincer. 88 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,672 They really call you that? 89 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,742 I convinced them to call me that. 90 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,444 But you have to prepare for your court cases. 91 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,746 Did you prepare for talking to lily? 92 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,181 I don't need to prepare, okay? 93 00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:11,683 I can craft a nice... 94 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,352 Thingy. 95 00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:16,421 Oh, wow I'm totally... 96 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,756 The twisty metal thingy? 97 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,690 You're screwed. 98 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,359 I'm screwed! 99 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,793 (both laughing) 100 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,862 I'm sorry, ted, I don't know. 101 00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,131 I'm just so tired of this routine: 102 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,866 We flirt, we have a few drinks, 103 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,302 And then we end the night with meaningless sex. 104 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,437 Oh... 105 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,573 Yeah. 106 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,208 Me, too. 107 00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:38,477 Do you want to start the night with meaningless sex 108 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,778 And then flirt later? 109 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,146 You are a visionary. 110 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,581 (laughs) 111 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:43,582 Come on. 112 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:44,583 (phone rings) 113 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,818 Oh! Oh! It's work. 114 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,887 Should I get it or ignore it? 115 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,789 Or get it? Oh, or ignore it? 116 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,157 Um... Or get it? 117 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,492 You know? Go ahead, get it. 118 00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,826 Okay. (clears throat) 119 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,461 Hello? 120 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,331 You chose... 121 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,599 Poorly. 122 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,801 I'm fired? 123 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,770 But teaching there was my dream job! 124 00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,738 And you guys are my only friends. 125 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,808 You all hate me? 126 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,277 Can I at least say good-bye to all my kids? 127 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:15,681 My kids all hate me?! 128 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,282 (sobbing) 129 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,417 Oh! 130 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:21,186 Oh... It's okay. 131 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:25,857 So, what were we about to do? 132 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:28,293 I think it was "meaningless" something? 133 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,528 Meaningless socks? No. 134 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,662 (sobbing) 135 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,497 No, it wasn't meaningless socks. 136 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,533 Hey, hi, hi, hi. 137 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,435 Um, so, a little problem. 138 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:40,505 I was trying really hard not to offend your minister... 139 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:44,376 So how did you and your husband meet? 140 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:47,379 Oh, it was our first week of college. 141 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:49,715 I needed help hooking up my stereo, 142 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:53,385 So I walked down the hall, and I just knew 143 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,786 I should knock on this one door. 144 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,788 Marshall opened it. 145 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,223 It was destiny. 146 00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,225 Hi. Hi. 147 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,861 We've been together ever since. 148 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,464 Excuse me! 149 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,367 What did I do wrong? 150 00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,536 What did you do wrong? 151 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,339 We really wanted him to marry us. 152 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,575 His church has cute coming out the wazoo, 153 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,677 But when we met with him... 154 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,545 No pets in my church. 155 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,014 No casual attire in my church. 156 00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,251 No gum. No sports logos... 157 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,986 Reverend? More like never-end. 158 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,589 Prayer-five. No shouting. No cell phones. 159 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,823 I'll warn you 160 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,926 That I turn down most wedding requests. 161 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:38,597 Particularly from boozy, promiscuous manhattanites 162 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,266 Who only want me to marry them because 163 00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:45,437 My church has "cute" coming out the wazoo. 164 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:48,707 That is the total opposite of us. 165 00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,276 People are like that? 166 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,844 Well, then, how did you two meet? 167 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,580 Oh, um, um... 168 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,848 Um... 169 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,384 Uh, we've been... Dating since college. 170 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,920 We met the very first week. 171 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,623 I needed help hooking up my stereo, 172 00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:07,859 So I walked down the hall, and I just knew 173 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,895 That I should knock on this one door. 174 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,797 Barney: I opened the door. 175 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,432 And it was destiny. 176 00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:16,902 Hi. 177 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,637 Hi. 178 00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,872 Both: We've been together ever since! 179 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,308 You stole our story of how we met?! 180 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,744 We had to! Your story is so sweet! Mm. 181 00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,612 You didn't even kiss till the third date. 182 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,481 By our third date, I'd hit more bases 183 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:32,050 Than bob hope on a uso tour. Topical. 184 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,486 Now reverend lowell knows that we lied to him. 185 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,755 What if he cancels our wedding? 186 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,490 What? That's ridiculous. 187 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,758 Barney, robin, I need to speak 188 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,726 With you in private immediately. 189 00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:44,629 And it's not just losing my job, 190 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,833 My car just got stolen with all my stuff in it. 191 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,801 And now I think I'm getting the flu! 192 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,636 I'm sorry. 193 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,772 I've been talking for, like, a half an hour. 194 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,907 It's fine. 40 minutes. It's fine. 195 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,777 Still, I think I would be able to handle all of this 196 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,512 (voice breaks): If my boyfriend wesley 197 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,782 Hadn't just broken up with me! 198 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,984 (sobs softly) 199 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,754 (inhales deeply) 200 00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,793 Why don't you tell me about it? 201 00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,696 Okay. I should go back to the beginning. 202 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,464 Oh, no, before the beginning. 203 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,699 Winter, 1998... 204 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,434 Man, this girl is a drag! 205 00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:26,538 If I hurry, I bet I still have a shot with sophia. 206 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,940 Okay, I'll get one more drink with cassie, then bail. 207 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,609 But where, bar or dining room? 208 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,811 Bar or dining room? 209 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:35,013 For my fourth date with wesley, we went to... 210 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,149 Cassie, let's get one more drink in the dining room. 211 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,051 You chose... 212 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,154 Hi, mom! Hi, dad! 213 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:45,390 Hey! We just ordered appetizers. 214 00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:46,558 Sit down, you two! 215 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,794 ...Ha-poorly! 216 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,501 Marshall, you're walking into the biggest fight of your life. 217 00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,970 You have to be prepared. You have to be tough. 218 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,639 I am tough! No, you're not. 219 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,973 You make some good points. 220 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,842 Now, what exactly are you gonna say to lily 221 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,876 When you walk through that door? 222 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,578 Okay. 223 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,746 Hey, baby. 224 00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,414 So, listen, I got this phone call... 225 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:10,749 Daphne: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 226 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,183 You haven't seen her in a week. 227 00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,419 Where's the "I missed you. How about a kiss?" 228 00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,087 Nothing about her new hairstyle? 229 00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,722 Hairstyle? I can't actually... 230 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:18,823 Start over! 231 00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:21,092 Lily! Hi. 232 00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,527 Mmm. 233 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,595 I missed you. 234 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,897 And your hairstyle so much. 235 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,599 Daphne's voice: I missed you, too. 236 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:30,602 I can't wait to show you how much in bed tonight. 237 00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,870 Okay, that's creepy. 238 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:32,938 Don't break character. 239 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,606 Okay, um... 240 00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,108 So, listen, I got this phone call last week, and I... 241 00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,777 Daphne: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 242 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,679 Acknowledge her own views on the matter first. 243 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,013 Start over. 244 00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,182 Lily, hi, mwah. 245 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,784 I missed you and your hairstyle so much. 246 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,218 Daphne's voice: I missed you, too. 247 00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,055 Okay, so, I know that you're excited for rome. 248 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,990 I'm more excited for bed tonight. 249 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:56,628 While I was away, uh, I got a phone call. 250 00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,196 To be a judge. 251 00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,531 What the damn hell?! 252 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,799 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 253 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,801 Lily does not say "what the damn hell." 254 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,235 Well, I've never met her but, yes, she does. 255 00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,971 You make some good points. Wow. 256 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,872 You are terrible at this. 257 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,141 (sighs) why did we lie? 258 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,776 We have to come clean. 259 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,479 Frankly, I am appalled. 260 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,814 I know. I... Your friend 261 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:19,250 Lily just tried to pass off your sweet story 262 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,987 Of how you met as her own. 263 00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:26,057 That lying little tart! I am horrified and relieved! 264 00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,995 Does lily have any... Problems that you're aware of? 265 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,262 Drinking. Drugs. 266 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:34,666 Both: She's been drinking drugs. 267 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,834 Lowell: Well, 268 00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,802 I talked to barney and robin, 269 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,838 And, let me say, I'm shocked. 270 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,239 You should be. 271 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,074 Flat-out lying to me like that? 272 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,810 We are not misunderstanding each other. How dare you 273 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,813 Pretend their beautiful story is actually your own. 274 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,582 Come again for lil' fudge? (chuckles) 275 00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:51,850 I understand the temptation. 276 00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,818 They're such a sweet couple. 277 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,253 I mean, the way they call each other 278 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,822 Barnmallow and robinpad. 279 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,091 (chuckles) oh. 280 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,760 Lily: Yes. 281 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:04,162 I do steal their stories. 282 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,864 Mm-hmm. But only because 283 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,132 My husband and I 284 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:10,268 Are so ashamed of how we met. 285 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,204 See, we only met because his friend ted 286 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,706 Fell in love with me. 287 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,274 And who could blame him? 288 00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,642 Hey, marshall. 289 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:18,777 See that girl? 290 00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,111 Oh, yeah. 291 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,980 You just know she likes it dirty. 292 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,214 Go say hi. What? 293 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,550 I can't just go say hi. I-I need a plan. 294 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,218 Hmm. I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom... 295 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,219 Hi. 296 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,622 Have you met ted? 297 00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:31,623 Marshall: I'm sorry, 298 00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,658 I can't... 299 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,126 Lily: And now, after years of lying, 300 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,327 Cheating and backsliding, 301 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,729 Here we are, married! 302 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,564 But what can I say? 303 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,032 My husband's a sociopath 304 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,734 Who's slept with over a hundred women, 305 00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:46,004 And I'm a slut who once let my boss feel me up. 306 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,238 Oh, come on! 307 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,007 I felt him up! It is over 250 women! 308 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,242 If you two want to get married in my church, 309 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,311 You'll stop breaking the ninth commandment. 310 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,146 Uh... No fat chicks? 311 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,648 Thou shalt not lie! 312 00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,883 With fat chicks? 313 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,219 You're killing me. You're killing me. 314 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,587 Now that... 315 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,022 Was a good dessert. (cassie sighs) 316 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:06,758 "dessert" sounds like "desert." 317 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,161 The desert has sand... 318 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,197 There's sand at the beach... 319 00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,232 And wesley and I 320 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,367 Once drove by a beach. 321 00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:17,368 (sobbing) 322 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,270 Excuse me. 323 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,372 (sobbing) 324 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,174 Ted: Now's my chance to leave. 325 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,776 No, I'll wait five more seconds 326 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,177 So I don't seem too eager. 327 00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,178 Four... 328 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,214 Three... Two... 329 00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,049 Well, thanks for keeping our daughter company. 330 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,617 Man, she can be a real drag, huh? 331 00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:35,854 We're gonna go have a little fun. See ya! 332 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,256 (laughing) 333 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,126 You're on fire tonight, bro. 334 00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:44,362 But, lily, being a judge is my dream job. 335 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,964 Daphne's voice: So your dream job 336 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,632 Is more important than my dream job? 337 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,634 Exactly. Now you're getting it. 338 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:50,969 (clicks tongue) nope. 339 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:51,970 Start over. 340 00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,371 So your dream job's 341 00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,206 More important than my dream job? 342 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,976 But, baby, you already have the best job in the world: 343 00:12:57,978 --> 00:12:59,377 Mom. Nope. 344 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,812 Start over. 345 00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:01,980 So your dream job's more important 346 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,648 Than my dream job? 347 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,651 Hey, I gave up peeing in the shower for you. 348 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:07,719 Nope. 349 00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:08,753 Start over. 350 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:09,988 So your dream job's 351 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,890 More important than my dream job? 352 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:12,957 Of course not. 353 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,159 But this isn't 354 00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,960 Just about our future. 355 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,428 It's about everyone's. 356 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,830 As a lawyer, 357 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,165 I couldn't stop big oil from polluting, 358 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,766 But as a judge... 359 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:22,967 Well, maybe I can. 360 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,736 And that's why I took the job. 361 00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:26,671 You've just been "convincered." 362 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:27,972 Wait. 363 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,841 You already took the job? 364 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,676 Without even talking to your wife? 365 00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,244 Start over. 366 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,779 Start over... Start over. 367 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,748 What the damn hell?! 368 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,784 Hi, reverend lowell? 369 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,786 Whew! Made it through my half. 370 00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,254 You're up. 371 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,355 Oh. Uh... 372 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,791 The-the truth is, we-we have 373 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,459 A complicated, messy history 374 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:50,161 That-that we're not too proud of. 375 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,296 But... 376 00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,864 We're sorry that we lied, 377 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:56,401 And hope that you can forgive us. 378 00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,306 Nope, I can't do it. 379 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,341 You're going to have to find a new officiant. 380 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,709 Okay. 381 00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:05,810 Well, these things happen. 382 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:06,878 And a new church. 383 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,112 What the damn hell?! 384 00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,151 Ted: This evening could not get any worse. 385 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,119 Whenever you're ready. Crap! 386 00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,289 Hey, ted. 387 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,058 Thanks for being so great. 388 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,060 I'm lucky to have you around this weekend. 389 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,062 Ooh, yeah... 390 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,463 About that... 391 00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,366 I should really go see about the, uh... 392 00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,301 So, sex? My room is very close. 393 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,070 (cassie laughs) 394 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,304 Ted: Sophia. Hi. 395 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,739 Oh, god. Wesley. 396 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,975 Wait. Wait, you're wesley? 397 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,476 Hey, cassie. (laughs nervously) 398 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,845 Your parents were just saying you have a new boyfriend. 399 00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,047 "boyfriend" is a little premature. 400 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,349 Though I did pay for dinner. 401 00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,918 Ted and I are very happy. 402 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,253 Are we? 403 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,354 (crying): Even if... 404 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,422 He'll never replace you. 405 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,992 (sobbing) 406 00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,262 So, sophia. Hi. 407 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,229 I'm ted. 408 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,098 Robin's friend. 409 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,866 What do you say we give these two old flames 410 00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,868 A chance to... Catch up alone, 411 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,336 And maybe you and I could go get a drink. 412 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,871 Are you hitting on me? Dude! 413 00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,172 Ted, let's go! 414 00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,412 You tip... 415 00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,181 ...Poorly. 416 00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:24,088 Look, I know. I shouldn't have taken the job 417 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,290 Without telling lily. 418 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,958 Why are you so ticked off about it? 419 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,093 Because I know what she's going through. 420 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,361 I always dreamed 421 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,563 Of having a career I could be proud of, 422 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,866 But my husband never supported me. 423 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:35,967 Eventually, 424 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,803 I had to... Make a choice. 425 00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:39,871 Now, every day, 426 00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,272 I'm out there, 427 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,141 I'm fighting for the good guys, and I love it. 428 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,375 Doesn't 429 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,977 Your wife deserve that, too? 430 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:50,114 Wow. Um, maybe you're right. 431 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:53,451 I didn't realize how many sacrifices you'd made. 432 00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,120 What is it you do, anyway? 433 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:57,989 I'm a lobbyist for a big oil company. 434 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,490 What the damn hell?! 435 00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,127 You know that I'm an environmentalist! 436 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,996 That's why you don't want me to become a judge. 437 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,497 But you're the reason I have to become a judge! 438 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,900 You're the devil incarnate! And outcarnate! 439 00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:11,069 Every kind of carnate! 440 00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,838 Please, is-is there 441 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,073 Any way you'd reconsider? 442 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,607 No! No, no! 443 00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:18,943 You two are both terrible people. 444 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,846 Who found each other in this crazy world! 445 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,314 Aw! 446 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,950 And who lie about how they found each other. 447 00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:28,086 So, please leave now. Just... 448 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,188 Ugh! Ugh! 449 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,423 You know what? You're right. 450 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,993 We shouldn't have lied about our story. 451 00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:37,028 I love our story. 452 00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,030 Sure, it's messy, but it's the story 453 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,299 That got us here, about to get married. 454 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,534 I love it, too. 455 00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,536 Every messy chapter. 456 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,172 I love that you slept with over 250 women 457 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,208 Before deciding that I was your favorite. 458 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:51,376 This is killing me. 459 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,044 And I love that we just had 460 00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,512 To keep having sex with each other, 461 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,180 Even when we were dating other people. 462 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,482 This is really killing me. 463 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,217 And I love that your marriage proposal 464 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,352 Involved a strip club, lying to me, 465 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:05,223 And pretending to bang the woman I hate for two months. 466 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,557 I love that we keep a running tally 467 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,393 Of all the different rooms we've had sex in. 468 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:11,529 I love that two weeks ago, we put this room on that list. 469 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,498 Huh? Come on, rev. 470 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,666 That's got to be worth some kind of reaction, right? 471 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,069 I mean, right where your hymnal is, is where we... 472 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,204 We... 473 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,275 (laughs) 474 00:17:24,299 --> 00:17:32,299 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 475 00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:37,588 Well, that's not what you want. 476 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,691 (crying and kissing) 477 00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,927 (crying, sniffling, kissing) 478 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,695 Um, are... Are you okay? 479 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:48,099 I think... Think maybe seeing your ex was a bit much for you. 480 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,368 No. Not at all. 481 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,370 I want... Only you. 482 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,105 Oh, yeah. 483 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:57,241 I want to... I want to rock your world. 484 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,510 And you're so hot. (sniffling) 485 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:03,247 I want to ride you like a bronco. 486 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,516 (sobbing) okay, cassie. Cassie. 487 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,585 Yeah, we... We can't do this. 488 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,020 I mean, you're crying. 489 00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,254 (coughing) 490 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,522 And contagious. 491 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,957 You're-you're having 492 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,292 A really, really bad week. 493 00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,294 I think... I think you should just 494 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,963 Take it easy. 495 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,064 You're right. 496 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,433 I'm not in a good place. No. 497 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,568 Oh, wow. 498 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,536 I probably would have let you do 499 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:28,306 All sorts of crazy things to me. 500 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,541 (sighs) 501 00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:33,411 Exactly. 502 00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,446 I release you. 503 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,648 Go have fun this weekend. 504 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,417 Meet someone else. 505 00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:41,285 Ted: Yes! Yes! Be cool. Okay. 506 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,221 Narrator: But I couldn't meet someone else. 507 00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,223 Hey, ted? Yeah. 508 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,591 Everyone here is saying 509 00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,593 You and cassie are the couple of the weekend. 510 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,061 How great is that? 511 00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:51,996 Narrator: Barney was right. 512 00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,665 I'd chosen poorly, everyone had seen us together, 513 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,767 And now the whole weekend seemed lost. 514 00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:59,303 Until... 515 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,639 Hi. I just got here. 516 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,574 Did I miss anything? 517 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:06,511 Not at all. Grace, right? 518 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,680 I'm ted. Let's get you a drink before you talk to anyone else 519 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,083 Or hear anything. 520 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,086 Hey, guys. How's your night going? 521 00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:16,320 Ugh! Ugh! 522 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,189 Our minister just died. 523 00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,091 We can still use the church, 524 00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:22,026 But we only have two days to find a new officiant. 525 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,194 Unless... 526 00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,495 Barney: Wedding at bernie's! 527 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,497 We're not doing wedding at bernie's! 528 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,367 Wow. Oh, that's terrible. 529 00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,369 Should I make a toast in his honor? 530 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,037 (mouthing): No... No, no, no... 531 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,438 Of course I should. 532 00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:36,707 Everyone? 533 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,376 To reverend lowell. 534 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,344 He may have passed away 535 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,712 Tonight, but he will always... 536 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,781 Uncle robert died?! 537 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,284 Oh, no. 538 00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,586 (crying) 539 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,491 (high-pitched crying) 540 00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:54,659 (sobbing) 541 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,627 Have a nice weekend. 542 00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,497 Narrator: All that night, I did nothing but choose poorly. 543 00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,365 But thanks to cassie, 544 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,401 I didn't get together with anyone at that wedding. 545 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,236 And if I had, 546 00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:08,739 Well, then, your mother and I might never have met. 547 00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:12,643 So, maybe, in a way, I chose wisely. 548 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,712 Sophia: Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee! 549 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,581 Although, it sure as heck 550 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,316 Didn't feel like it at the time. 551 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,550 Aah! Aah! Aah! 552 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,252 (sighs) 553 00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,154 She chose... 554 00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:24,422 Wesley. 555 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,756 (chuckling) 556 00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,859 I've been dying to say that one all night. 557 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,261 Sophia: Boo-uh! 558 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,263 Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you. 559 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,764 The truth is, you're right. 560 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,400 It was wrong of me to take that job without telling lily. 561 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,437 I don't need to be tough with her. I need to be fair. 562 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,105 Thanks, marshall. 563 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,274 I should also apologize. 564 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,409 While you were filling the tank, 565 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,112 I may have been so angry, 566 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:51,282 I texted your wife with the news 567 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:53,784 That you took that judge offer. 568 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,620 (phone ringing) 569 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,822 Don't forget to compliment her hair.