1
00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:03,702
Narrator:
Two days before barney
and robin's wedding,
2
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,304
Their reverend passed away,
3
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:07,306
And the search was on
for a replacement.
4
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:09,375
(phone rings)
barney:
Oh, boy, it's the creepy,
5
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:12,144
Bug-eyed minister
from that culty church
6
00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:14,480
Who kept asking us
if we're "pure enough to die."
7
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,348
He's our best lead.
I should get this.
8
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,984
James, unless
you have a minister,
9
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,719
I don't want to hear it.
10
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:22,554
You mean, like this one?
11
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,156
Narrator:
A few years back,
12
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:28,160
Barney's brother james finally
met his long-lost father, sam,
13
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,029
Who turned out
to be a reverend.
14
00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:33,298
I know pronounce
your asses saved.
15
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,134
Whoa!
16
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:38,537
Narrator:
Reverend gibbs wouldn't be
the only vip arrival that day.
17
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,039
Barney:
Dad!
18
00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:42,908
Barney. Oh, I can't believe
you're getting married.
19
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,044
You've grown up so fast.
20
00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:49,381
Then again, I did miss
about 30 years of your life.
21
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,884
Did I mention we got you
two things from your registry?
22
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,386
Hey, can we buy you guys
a drink in a bit?
23
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,888
Sure. We'll meet you
at the bar.
24
00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,056
Yeah. (laughs)
25
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:58,390
Here.
All right.
26
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,658
Hey.
27
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,560
Oh. Whoa. Look.
28
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,062
My dad hasn't seen
my mom in years,
29
00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:04,396
Not since he bailed on her.
30
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,665
Oh, man, take it from a
fellow child of divorce,
31
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,233
This could
get real messy.
32
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,602
Loretta, good to see you.
33
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,738
You, too, jerry.
34
00:01:14,674 --> 00:01:15,908
(gasps)
wow.
35
00:01:15,910 --> 00:01:18,043
Yeah. Thank
god, no drama.
36
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,912
They're in love!
37
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:23,782
My mom and dad are getting
back together again!
38
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:26,018
Uh-oh.
39
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:38,261
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com
40
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,899
Hey, quick favor.
41
00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:42,434
I want to give this
to robin.
42
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,969
Gretzky's her hero.
43
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:46,038
She says his name sometimes
in bed. I've accepted it.
44
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,973
Can you, uh, hide it for me
till the rehearsal dinner?
45
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,775
The best man is on it.
46
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,944
Great. Now I'm gonna go get
my mom and dad back together.
47
00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,245
They're totally in love.
I know. It's amazing.
48
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,446
I'm walking on air.
49
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,515
My family's gonna be
whole again!
50
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,751
Should we stop him or something?
51
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,787
The best man is staying
on the gretzky thing.
52
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:07,059
¶ well, I would walk
500 miles and ¶
53
00:02:07,061 --> 00:02:10,429
¶ I would walk 500 more
54
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:15,667
¶ just to be the man
who walked a thousand miles ¶
55
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:19,471
¶ then falls down
at your door. ¶
56
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,939
Ha!
57
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:21,940
You're right.
58
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,475
That crap grows on you.
59
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,843
Again?
60
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:25,911
Proclaim it!
61
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,746
(intro to song starts)
62
00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:30,082
Hey. So there I am,
63
00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:31,917
Lying in the wet, filthy sand
under the patio,
64
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,920
Just minding my own business,
when my dad bumps into my mom,
65
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,855
And he says-- get this--
66
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,658
He says to her,
"weather's improving, huh?"
67
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,026
(giggling)
68
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:45,030
It's like, why don't you
just do it already? Huh?
69
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:47,533
Barney, I know you've always
dreamed of a reunited family,
70
00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:49,868
But... Jerry's married.
71
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:52,037
So what? Marriage is just
a meaningless piece of paper.
72
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,272
I'm a lucky gal.
73
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,640
Sweetie, this just
isn't gonna happen.
74
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,875
Now, please promise me
75
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:58,944
You haven't already put
some crazy scheme in motion.
76
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:04,349
I haven't put
some crazy scheme in motion.
77
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,618
Why did you pause?
78
00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:11,156
I didn't pause.
79
00:03:11,158 --> 00:03:12,457
Why did you pause?!
80
00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:22,968
Ah. Hey, there.
81
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,536
Hi.
82
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,838
Barney texted me
to meet him asap,
83
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:27,906
But the stairs
are wet.
84
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:29,208
No, broken.
85
00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,909
Yeah, the stairs
are broken.
86
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,545
Yeah. I got the same text.
87
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,548
(elevator thumps, stops)
oh.
88
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,083
Barney, jerry has a wife.
89
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,986
Oh, god, what did you do
to the wife?
90
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,654
So, my husband
91
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,924
Snuck off to go parasailing,
and he wants me to join him?
92
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,459
Yes.
93
00:03:50,930 --> 00:03:52,564
Who is ready to rock it
94
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,968
Scottish-identical-
twin-brothers style?
95
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,270
¶ when I wake up
96
00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,839
(scottish accent):
¶ yeah, I know I'm gonna be
97
00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,842
¶ I'm gonna be the man
who ends up next to you... ¶
98
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,712
Oh, man, I hope they're not
singing to the same girl.
99
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,580
Or to each other.
100
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,116
Shut up! Music sucks!
101
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:13,418
Scotland sucks! You suck!
102
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,455
Just drive, pumpkin head.
103
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,357
Barney:
Hey, guys, don't worry.
104
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:19,558
Help's on the way.
105
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,393
Oh! Thank you, barney.
Thank you, honey.
106
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,794
In the meantime,
107
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:25,063
I'll try to keep you two
as comfortable as possible.
108
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,732
(r&b music playing)
¶ I said, bang...
109
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,567
Well, we don't need wine.
110
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,802
¶ bang
111
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:33,272
¶ bangity bang...
112
00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:36,241
We don't need champagne,
either. We need help!
113
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,210
This could be very unsafe!
114
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:39,745
Oh.
115
00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,813
I'll say something.
116
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,816
No. You've had a whole
lifetime of this. Let me.
Oh.
117
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,318
Barney, are you thinking
118
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,954
You can get your mother
and me back together?
119
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,656
Because I'm married.
120
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,457
My wife is right upstairs!
121
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,458
No, she's not.
122
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,060
What's that?
Nothing!
123
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:56,662
I'm just trying
to keep you refreshed
124
00:04:56,664 --> 00:05:00,132
Through this unexpected and
flukish elevator malfunction!
125
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:03,568
Here's some water!
126
00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:05,804
Ah... Drat.
127
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,272
Clumsy hands much, barney?
128
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,274
Just disrobe
and send up those wet clothes.
129
00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,943
You'll be cold, so I'll send
down strawberry warming gel
130
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:15,013
And some cozy, zippered masks.
131
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:17,115
(sighs):
Ooh.
132
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,217
(gasps)
my calligraphy ink!
133
00:05:20,787 --> 00:05:22,154
I mean, the gretzky photo!
134
00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:26,525
Some bastard
snuck into my room
135
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,427
And spilled ink
all over the gretzky photo
136
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:29,828
I was holding for barney.
137
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,496
Detective mosby is on the case.
138
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,965
Oh, god,
that's horrible.
I know.
139
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:34,933
It was a gift for robin.
140
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,635
No, I mean,
141
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,604
"oh, god, that's horrible.
Detective mosby's the worst."
142
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,006
Mm, detective mosby is
143
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,941
The case-crackingest
private dick on the scene.
144
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,177
Really? Like that case
from eight years ago
145
00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:46,978
You still haven't cracked?
146
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:48,547
I'm callin' it.
147
00:05:51,784 --> 00:05:53,285
Damn it!
148
00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:55,187
My greatest failure.
149
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,055
I will solve this case.
150
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:58,457
Now, there were
three people nearby
151
00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,991
When barney gave me
that head shot:
152
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:03,528
Karate kid bad boy billy zabka,
153
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,898
A shifty-eyed bellhop,
154
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,201
And robin's cousin claude
from quebec
155
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,203
With the neck trouble.
156
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:14,706
Right, 'cause an elaborate
conspiracy is much more likely
157
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:17,909
Than you leaving the photo
next to an open ink bottle.
158
00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:21,046
Thank you!
You can't even
detect sarcasm!
159
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:23,315
Why don't you just
try to fix the photo?
160
00:06:23,317 --> 00:06:24,683
Don't you have ink remover?
161
00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:26,051
Of course I have ink remover.
162
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,886
I'm not one of those sloppy,
punk calligraphers
163
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,221
Who's in it
for glory over craft.
164
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,156
No, we got to solve this!
165
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,858
Now, the question is,
166
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,994
Which of those three suspects
had the most cause to frame me?
167
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:39,998
The one that I replaced
as barney's best man?
168
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,834
I'm coming for you, mosby.
169
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,936
Billy zabka!
170
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,672
Okay, real quick,
I need fresh-cut
171
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:50,075
English lavender, a copy of
shakespeare's 18th sonnet,
172
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,577
And enough nutella
to cover a 60-year-old woman.
173
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:56,014
Oh, great. You guys escaped.
174
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,182
Got rescued!
175
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,550
Are you okay?
176
00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:00,018
A bit shaken up.
177
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,920
Being trapped
in an elevator is scary.
178
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,922
No, barney lowered in a tv
179
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,125
Showing some pretty
graphic 1970s pornography.
180
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,361
Still, a lot
of familiar faces in there.
181
00:07:09,363 --> 00:07:10,962
Well, not just faces.
182
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,031
I'm gonna go
find my wife.
183
00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:17,102
(sighs)
nice job, bro.
184
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,938
Mom was just about
to get some action
185
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,473
For the first time
since she conceived me.
186
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,874
Barney, this has to stop.
187
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,042
You're being delusional.
188
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,111
Mom is not getting back
together with jerry.
(sighs)
189
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,713
Because she's getting back
together with my daddy!
190
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:36,555
I see what you're doing.
191
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,757
You didn't bring your dad here
to marry us.
192
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,892
You want him to get back
together with mom!
193
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,994
Which is completely insane,
by the way.
194
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,630
Um, my dad's single,
mom's single.
195
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,599
Your dad's happily married
with two kids.
196
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:48,967
Which one makes more sense?
197
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,435
I agree. It's a tie.
198
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,670
What do we do?
199
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,938
You back down
200
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,439
And let me get my mom
and dad back together?
201
00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,141
Um, how about you back down
202
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,109
And let me get my mom and dad
back together?
203
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,011
(scoffs)
I can already picture it.
204
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,280
(peppy music plays)
205
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,951
¶ we're reunited
and we're going so strong ¶
206
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:09,821
¶ my wife died parasailing
and I've moved on ¶
207
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,958
¶ and now our barney-boy
will always be near ¶
208
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,927
¶ I'll come to live with you
and it won't be weird ¶
209
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,629
Of course not, wuv-wuv!
210
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,532
¶ back together
and forever we'll be ¶
211
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,334
¶ mom
212
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:24,870
¶ and dad
213
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,938
¶ and barney makes three
214
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:28,607
We love you, champ!
215
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,308
¶ and I'll live here, too,
since we're married ¶
216
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:33,612
¶ and I'm totally cool
with it! ¶
217
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,546
(scoffs)
218
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,648
That's completely insane.
219
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:38,550
This is how
it's gonna be.
220
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:42,621
¶ we're reunited
and I'm feeling so glad ¶
221
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:45,123
¶ I'm so much sexier
than barney's dad ¶
222
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,558
(plays flourish)
223
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,895
¶ back together, now
our life's right on track ¶
224
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:53,498
¶ but she's banging my dad
behind your dad's back ¶
225
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:57,969
¶ when you're at work,
I'm all over her rack ¶
226
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,804
¶ that's not true
¶ yes, it is
227
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,006
¶ that's not funny
228
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,507
¶ mom, break the news
229
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,143
¶ okay, we're screwin'
like bunnies ¶
230
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,211
¶ I'll kick your ass
231
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,580
¶ I'd like to
see you try ¶
232
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:11,683
¶ well, my dad would win
in a fight ¶
233
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:15,020
¶ no, my dad would win
in a fight ¶
234
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,054
¶ no
¶ yeah
235
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,422
¶ my dad would win
¶ yeah
236
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,491
¶ in a fight
¶ yeah!
237
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:21,660
No, my dad would
win in a fight!
Nuh-uh!
238
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,929
Uh-huh!
Don't fight!
239
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,697
I'm marrying into this family.
Barney:
Stop.
240
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,332
You stupid!
I won't stop.
241
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:31,670
Where the heck is
this parasailing place?
242
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,904
(laughs)
you know what?
243
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,506
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call jerry.
244
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:35,774
(beep)
245
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,108
Oh, that's weird.
246
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,910
I just lost cell reception.
247
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,712
Yes.
248
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,981
Weird.
249
00:09:44,617 --> 00:09:48,053
Lot of pretty paintings
in this hotel.
250
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,021
I like how
they've been... Framed.
251
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,757
I've noticed
the vintage, antique,
252
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,125
Gilded victorian frames, too.
253
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:57,295
I'm not blind...
But what are you getting at?
254
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,130
You know damn well
what I'm getting at!
255
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,032
You're jealous I got
the best mansmanship back,
256
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,101
So you destroyed that photo as
part of some diabolical scheme
257
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,036
To make me look bad.
258
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:07,105
I bet you even found some other
photo of wayne gretzky
259
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:07,973
So you could swoop in
and save the day.
260
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,474
You're insane.
Am I?
261
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:10,709
Yeah. Yeah.
Am I?
262
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:13,378
Where were you today
at 3:15 p.M.?
263
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:15,580
Right here
getting a massage.
264
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:17,782
Rocked a 60-minute
deep tish.
265
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,751
Now if you'll excuse
me, detective,
266
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,686
I think I'll go
have some pineapple.
267
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,289
How do you know about that?
268
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,458
Everybody knows about that!
269
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,828
Excuse me?
Mm?
270
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,463
You destroyed that photo,
didn't you?
271
00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:32,631
No, I didn't.
272
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,132
Admit it! I complained about you
273
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,401
To the bell captain,
so you got your revenge.
274
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:38,069
You complained about me?
275
00:10:39,071 --> 00:10:41,473
No.
276
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,677
So, claude...
277
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,079
I see that you're
a montreal canadiens fan.
278
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,082
Which means you hate
the edmonton oilers,
279
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,018
Which is why you destroyed
the wayne gretzky head shot!
280
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,119
J'accuse!
281
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,021
C'est ridicule!
282
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,489
If it's so ridicule,
283
00:10:57,491 --> 00:11:00,492
How do you explain this?
284
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:02,360
Ah, seems
like I've caught you...
285
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,963
Midnight blue-handed.
286
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,531
Oh, these.
Yeah.
287
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:09,134
I-I was out by the water when...
288
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:12,971
An elderly r-rastafarian
hang glider...
289
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:15,306
He-he crash
onto a beached squid,
290
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:19,310
Which squirted ink
when I ran in to help.
291
00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,312
You really expect me
to believe that?
292
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:24,315
Story checks out.
293
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,317
Sorry, claude.
294
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,887
De rien.
295
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:30,622
I don't get it.
296
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:31,423
We were bonding.
297
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:36,127
I can't think of
anything I did wrong!
298
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,962
Okay, I did a few things wrong.
299
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:39,230
For the last time,
300
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:43,134
I did not leave the bag of
oranges you bought on the roof!
301
00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:48,339
No more breaking the
speed limit. And, uh,
302
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:52,077
Thanks for flagging me down and
telling me she was going 67.
303
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,812
Just following the rules,
officer.
304
00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,981
Oh. She's also not
wearing her seat belt.
305
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,820
You are not allowed
to use that word!
306
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,988
Only we're allowed
to use that word!
307
00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,157
I am so sorry.
308
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,058
I will never
309
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,828
Call you or anyone else a...
310
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,763
Trekkie again.
311
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,065
But I apologized
and you accepted.
312
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,301
I even bought you more oranges.
313
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:24,042
Look, it wasn't you, okay?
314
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:27,245
Baby, I know your speech
at the model u.N. Is a big deal,
315
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,848
But I'm just not sure
I'll make it in time.
316
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,116
I'm trying.
317
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,350
You know what?
318
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,119
Don't bother coming.
319
00:12:38,057 --> 00:12:39,958
So, back at the airport,
that story was true?
320
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:40,959
You have a daughter?
321
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,027
She lives with her dad.
322
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:46,030
And since I travel for work,
I miss a lot of stuff.
323
00:12:47,399 --> 00:12:50,602
I only work as hard as I do
to provide for her.
324
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:54,038
But kids,
they don't understand logic.
325
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,241
Kids understand who shows up.
326
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:57,776
That's why
327
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,377
Her dad's her hero...
328
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:03,047
And I get hung up on.
329
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,783
Go see your daughter's speech.
330
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:06,818
If you show up,
all will be forgiven.
331
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,986
Just drop it.
332
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,088
And drop me at home.
333
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,589
Then head out to your wedding.
334
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,191
End of discussion.
335
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:16,928
Barney,
even if your plan worked,
336
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:18,563
You'd be destroying
your dad's marriage.
337
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,665
Okay, you may have a point.
338
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:21,833
Can I suggest something?
339
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:22,500
(sighs)
340
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:23,501
Truce?
341
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,470
We both agree to drop this.
342
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,472
Agreed.
343
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,107
Hey, I got a replacement bottle
344
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,843
Of 30-year glen mckenna.
Okay.
345
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,012
Look, even if mom
never gets back together
346
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,948
With either one of our dads,
we're still brothers.
347
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,983
It's not a competition.
348
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:41,152
(chuckles)
349
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:44,689
I win!
350
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,758
Hoo-hoo!
351
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:52,430
Get your damn
hands off my mom!
352
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:54,032
Get your damn hands
on my mom!
353
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,533
One on, one off?
354
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:57,669
What the hell is
going on here?
355
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,838
After you boys tracked sam down
a few years back,
356
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,940
We got in touch.
We became friends again,
357
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,008
Started hanging out.
And then one day,
358
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,277
She went from being
loretta to being...
359
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,379
Lo-ret-ta.
(chuckles)
360
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:09,814
We wanted to wait
to tell you
361
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:11,149
Because it's still new,
362
00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:13,017
But it was inevitable
you'd find out
363
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,186
Once sam came
to perform the ceremony.
364
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,821
Is that what you
two call it?
365
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,957
"performing
the ceremony"?
366
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,358
Oh, sam's marrying you
tomorrow, dear.
367
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,027
Right. Thank
you, reverend.
Look,
368
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,330
Is there any way you guys
can be all right with this?
369
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,532
Of course I am!
(clears throat)
370
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,168
Barney?
371
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,071
I know I've been acting crazy
today, but...
372
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,340
I just have
one real question, mom,
373
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,141
And I want an honest answer.
374
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,043
Is there a scenario--
375
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,044
And hear me out--
376
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,146
Where you might consider
377
00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:44,816
Doing kind of a three-way deal
with both of our dads?
378
00:14:44,818 --> 00:14:46,985
God! What is wrong with you?!
Oh, dude, come on!
379
00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:49,087
(sobs)
that's what I thought!
380
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,925
It's time to
admit it, ted.
381
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:56,394
You spilled the ink.
There's no conspiracy.
382
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:57,896
I guess you're right.
383
00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:59,264
I mean, the only other person
384
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,599
Who saw barney give me
that photo...
385
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:02,901
Was you.
386
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,669
(dramatic sting)
387
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,004
Hey. Idiot.
388
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,572
While you've been
389
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,074
Playing detective,
I've been cleaning up your mess.
390
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,944
Look, the ink remover works.
391
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:13,912
I'm gonna
finish this.
392
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:16,047
You come clean to barney.
393
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:17,382
(sighs):
Okay.
394
00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:19,517
She's been
missing all day,
395
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:23,755
A-and I found what appears to be
a-a suicide note on my bed.
396
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:26,090
But it doesn't
really sound like her.
397
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:30,528
"I'm going to kill my--
wait for it-- self."
398
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,065
Is everything okay
with mr. Zabka?
399
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:38,036
Wait. W-wait. Why do you think
that's billy zabka?
400
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,538
(the beastie boys'
"sabotage" begins)
401
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,640
Woman:
See?
402
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,642
The man from the
lobby got this massage.
403
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:46,644
A younger gentleman bought it
for him as a gift.
404
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:47,946
He even signed his name for him.
405
00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,013
Right here.
406
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:03,962
I'm telling all y'all...
407
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:05,997
It's zabka-tage.
408
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:08,333
¶ I can't stand it,
I know you planned it ¶
409
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:11,336
¶ I'm gonna set it straight,
this watergate ¶
410
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,104
¶ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ¶
411
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:15,573
¶ 'cause your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ¶
412
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:19,243
¶ so while you sit back
and wonder why ¶
413
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:22,613
¶ I got this ... Thorn
in my side ¶
414
00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,182
(shouts)
415
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,184
Narrator:
Lily's second tackle
of the weekend.
416
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:29,821
¶ sabotage.
417
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,656
Wakey, wakey.
418
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,928
Daphne:
Wait, this isn't...
419
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:38,363
It's your
daughter's school.
420
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:39,964
You need to go in.
421
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:42,000
She asked me not to come,
marshall.
422
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,268
This doesn't make any sense.
423
00:16:44,270 --> 00:16:46,104
Kids don't understand logic.
424
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:49,173
Kids understand who shows up.
425
00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:11,462
People say
children are the future.
426
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,964
I say...
427
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:14,532
Oil is the future!
428
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,968
Don't listen to these
gutless environmental sissies!
429
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,836
That's my baby.
Drill in the oceans!
430
00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:20,405
Thank you.
Drill in the wetlands!
431
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,973
Pumpkin head.
Drill in the
national parks!
432
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:23,408
You're welcome.
433
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:24,976
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
434
00:17:24,978 --> 00:17:26,911
Audience (chanting):
Drill, baby, drill!
We should go.
435
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:29,313
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
436
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:32,683
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
437
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,052
Drill, baby, drill!
438
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,887
You said it was nuts
439
00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:38,089
To think that my mom and dad
would get back together.
440
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,524
But that's what happened
for james.
441
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:42,026
I've been dreaming of that
since I was five.
442
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,996
Well, that and my own
operational death star.
443
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:47,065
But mostly them
getting back together.
444
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,067
Why does james get it
and I don't?
445
00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,334
Well, think about it.
446
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,904
You have me,
your dad has cheryl...
447
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:53,905
"so to summarize:
448
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:55,106
"I'm super dead,
449
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,408
"you should totally bone
loretta,
450
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,176
"and I never
451
00:17:58,178 --> 00:17:59,944
Loved you, cheryl,"
452
00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:02,947
Which is misspelled.
453
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,715
...But james is going
through a divorce.
454
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,551
He just lost his family.
455
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:09,787
I-I know you've been
dreaming of this, but...
456
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:12,090
Maybe he needs "mom
and dad" more than you.
457
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:17,361
So, billy, did you really think
you could get away with it?
458
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:18,563
Actually, I did.
459
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:19,297
Ah.
I was gonna
460
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,531
Give this to barney
461
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:21,866
And say I'd driven an hour away
462
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,968
To get a replacement
from an autograph dealer.
463
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,770
First, I needed an alibi.
464
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,705
So I got barney's dad a massage
465
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,941
But signed in my name.
466
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:33,377
Then I switched the gretzky
head shot with one of myself.
467
00:18:33,379 --> 00:18:35,947
I always travel with 2,000
of those handsome devils
468
00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,015
In the trunk of my car.
469
00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:42,653
I have so many questions
for you, but first...
470
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,923
You keep 2,000 head shots
of yourself in your trunk?
471
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,825
No one ever wants them!
They only want
472
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,128
The "good guy's" autograph!
473
00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,730
In the '80s, I was the bad guy
in every movie.
474
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,299
Do you know what my life
has been like?
475
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,669
Every premiere,
when I came on-screen...
476
00:18:58,671 --> 00:18:59,971
(crowd booing)
477
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,439
I wasn't a bad guy
in real life,
478
00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:03,274
Just a kick-ass actor.
479
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:04,775
No one got that.
480
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,944
It happened everywhere I went.
481
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,647
(crowd booing)
somehow,
people always had popcorn.
482
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,651
25 years of getting
crane-kicked in the nuts,
483
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:17,355
Until barney stinson gave me
the best moment of my life.
484
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,991
Hey. Hey, some issues
just came up with ted, so...
485
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,159
Will you be my best man?
486
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,393
Sure.
Thanks.
487
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:27,632
Woman:
Hello?
Mom?
488
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,634
(booing)
no, no, listen, listen.
489
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:32,036
I just became
somebody's best man.
490
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:35,540
(gasps) you can come
to thanksgiving this year!
491
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,975
To barney stinson,
I wasn't a bad guy.
492
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:42,146
To barney stinson, I was
the best man.
493
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,783
I thought if ted screwed up
again, I'd have another shot.
494
00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:49,387
But I guess this time
I really was the bad guy.
495
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:51,022
Hey, ted,
what's so urgent?
496
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,791
I have something
to tell you.
497
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:54,959
(sighs)
498
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:57,461
I destroyed
that gretzky head shot
499
00:19:57,463 --> 00:20:00,164
And I couldn't fix it.
Billy saved the day
500
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,800
By getting a new one
from an autograph dealer nearby.
501
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:04,035
A-an hour away.
502
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:06,037
An hour away. Just be cool.
503
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:08,039
Awesome. Thanks, billy!
504
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,207
(chuckles)
505
00:20:09,209 --> 00:20:11,976
Ah.
506
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:13,978
And, ted...
507
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,180
I really appreciate
that you told the truth.
508
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,049
Ow...
Psych!
509
00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:19,483
Billy rules,
ted drools,
510
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:20,551
Stinson out.
511
00:20:22,487 --> 00:20:24,822
You're all right, mosby.
512
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,992
Narrator:
And for an all too rare moment
that weekend,
513
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:29,493
Everything was all right.
514
00:20:29,495 --> 00:20:31,229
(elevator thumps, stops)
515
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:33,297
(r&b music playing)
¶ bang bang
516
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,068
¶ bangity bang
um, barney?
517
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:39,570
Is this your way
of saying you're supporting us?
518
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,239
Barney:
Yes! Go for it.
519
00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:43,908
¶ I said bang
consummate your love!
520
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,443
¶ bang
thanks, bro.
521
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:49,113
¶ bangity bang
but this is super weird.
522
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,116
Super weird.
523
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,184
¶ bang bang.
524
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:58,856
Are we almost there?
525
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:01,459
Almost there.
526
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:05,062
Give me back my wife,
you son of a bitch!
(screaming)