1 00:00:02,602 --> 00:00:04,536 Narrator: Marshall and marvin were taking the bus 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:07,139 On their way to long island to meet up with us. 3 00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:08,540 (crying) there, there, little marvin. 4 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,142 Let no more tears fall. 5 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:13,812 We're gonna see mommy in no time at all. 6 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,048 Hello there. I'm sorry for all of the noise. 7 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:18,183 It's been a long day for the eriksen boys. 8 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,352 Uh... What's with the rhyming? 9 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,720 I'm glad that you ask. 10 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:24,690 To get my son sleeping is no easy task. 11 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:27,059 A few weeks ago, the job fell to my wife. 12 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,728 And as the poor baby cried out for dear life, 13 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:32,965 She read every book, but all were no use 14 00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:36,135 Until she arrived at a mother named goose. 15 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,137 Why, marvin... Marshall: She noted. 16 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,972 ...These rhymes make you tired! 17 00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:42,041 And ever since then, all young marvin's required 18 00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,309 Is one book of rhymes, and to dream land he goes. 19 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,911 Now, what shall we read? 20 00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:48,380 Oh, crap, I left his book in the car! 21 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,149 (crying) 22 00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,483 That blows. 23 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,218 (crying stops) 24 00:00:53,242 --> 00:01:01,242 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 25 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:07,933 Oh, no, what a bummer! 26 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:09,435 What craptastic luck! 27 00:01:09,437 --> 00:01:12,004 Without marvin's rhyme book, this ride's gonna suck! 28 00:01:12,006 --> 00:01:14,006 Does anyone here have some poetry maybe? 29 00:01:14,008 --> 00:01:15,040 Or any advice? Yeah! 30 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:16,742 Don't have a baby! 31 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,677 (laughter) 32 00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,612 I guess if I don't want young marvin to wake up, 33 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:23,382 The rhymes will just have to be ones that I make up. 34 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:26,452 I'll whip up some poetry in seconds flat! 35 00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:32,458 Oh, I know! 36 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:34,993 This story's called mosby at the bat! 37 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:42,935 The outlook wasn't brilliant for poor ted's romantic life. 38 00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:46,939 He was deep into his thirties, and yet, still he had no wife. 39 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,607 But then, one day whilst grading papers, 40 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,109 Life sent him a whammy. 41 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,144 A physics prof named lisa 42 00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,545 Who'd just moved here from miami. 43 00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:54,746 Professor? 44 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,448 She asked timidly. He answered: 45 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,050 Call me ted. Oh. 46 00:01:58,052 --> 00:01:59,384 I don't want to bother you. 47 00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:00,886 Please, have a seat. He said. 48 00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:04,423 I'm fairly new to teaching, and I'm looking for advice. 49 00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:07,626 Every night I practice giving lectures, sometimes twice. 50 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,927 But when I teach 51 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:12,097 Magnetic force, I just see eyeballs glazing. 52 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:17,503 I asked around, and people say your lectures are amazing. 53 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,904 Which is really saying something, 54 00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,939 Because, architecture? Yawn. 55 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,908 And ted thought... 56 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,144 Ted: Psh, yeah, 'cause physics is so interesting. 57 00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:26,512 Go on. 58 00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,080 It's just that you're so skilled, 59 00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:29,915 And I'm a relative beginner. 60 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:33,919 If it isn't too much trouble, can I take you out to dinner? 61 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:37,523 I'd love to get some pointers, and I shouldn't keep you late. 62 00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:39,124 What do you say? 63 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,526 What do I say? 64 00:02:40,528 --> 00:02:42,261 Teddy westside's got a date! 65 00:02:42,263 --> 00:02:44,196 All: Hooray! Marshall: We cheered. 66 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,264 Ted's off the bench! 67 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,765 Our boy's back in the game! 68 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,300 Thank god, it's been a hundred years 69 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,668 Since mosby scored a dame. 70 00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,537 The last time he saw boobies was 71 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:52,938 The screen-test scene in fame. 72 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,206 The last girl he dated, 73 00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,108 I think "righty" was her name. 74 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,943 Hold it. Let's not all go crazy 75 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,811 Like some wild berzerkers. 76 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,648 What if this is just a business meal between co-workers? 77 00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,683 Marshall: Ted thought back on past failed dates. 78 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,818 Oh, god, that could be true. 79 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:10,022 How many times have I come home to find my balls are blue? 80 00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:13,192 It all depends where ted and his new fetching young floridian 81 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:16,061 Are standing in relation to that puzzling meridian 82 00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:18,063 Called "the international date line." 83 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,565 That's right, new theory. 84 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,633 "what's that," you ask? Nobody did. 85 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:24,136 I'll now address your query! The date line 86 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:27,306 Is the border betwixt happiness and sorrow. 87 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,575 On this side, you go home tonight. 88 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,578 On this side, home tomorrow. 89 00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:36,148 Marshall: And then, as barney made some gestures that were rather rude, 90 00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:39,084 Ted left to go meet lisa, in a rather puzzled mood. 91 00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,019 Was this a date? 92 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,888 He simply couldn't tell how he was faring. 93 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,022 Then lisa showed up. 94 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:47,526 Ted rejoiced to see what she was wearing. 95 00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:48,927 For girls at business dinners 96 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,063 Don't have necklines that revealing! 97 00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:58,370 But then a friendly handshake gave poor ted 98 00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,972 A sinking feeling. 99 00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:06,011 And so, the night wore on. 100 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,247 And back and forth, the globe rotated. 101 00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:11,917 But still, ted's curiosity was never fully sated. 102 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,385 How long could this continue? 103 00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,254 He was truly fortune's pawn. 104 00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:17,256 Then lisa saw the tv. 105 00:04:17,258 --> 00:04:18,890 Hey, the yankees game is on! 106 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,592 Of baseball... Ted observed... 107 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,528 ...You seem to have some firsthand knowledge. 108 00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,197 To which the lady shrugged and said... 109 00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:26,765 I played softball in college. 110 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,470 Now the age-old softball stereotype's just that, 111 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,105 And nothing more. 112 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:34,606 Yeah! But as the yankees got a run, 113 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,808 Ted feared he wouldn't score. 114 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,577 For while the date side of the line's 115 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,812 The one we all might guess he's in, 116 00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,448 There'll be no joy in tedville if our lisa is a... 117 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,083 Yes! We win! 118 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,419 Then lisa took a drink and said... 119 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,488 This may sound kind of random, 120 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:52,157 But there actually is a reason for my rabid yankee fandom. 121 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:54,126 I guess I'll just be honest here, 122 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,961 Though crazy it may seem. 123 00:04:55,963 --> 00:05:00,165 My first week in new york, I dated someone on the team. 124 00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:01,400 Which player? 125 00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,934 I'm not saying. Please? 126 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,403 What are you, a reporter? 127 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,971 Ted's mind began to race. 128 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,606 The waiter came to take their order. 129 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,007 As lisa said... 130 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,976 I might like the spaghetti marinara. 131 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,511 Poor ted just wondered silently... 132 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:15,113 Ted: Mariano rivera? 133 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,114 Marshall: And as she said... 134 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,283 I read this place has great chicken milano. 135 00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:20,519 All ted could bring himself to think was: 136 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,454 Ted: Alfonso soriano? 137 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:23,989 I want something hearty. 138 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,291 How about blackened miso cod? 139 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,526 Ted: Is it joe girardi? 140 00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,995 Holy crap, is it a-rod?! 141 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,596 Okay, ted, calm down. 142 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,131 You've got to get yourself together. 143 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,866 Just smile, be charming, 144 00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,035 Ooze charisma, talk about the weather. 145 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,503 For this might be a date, 146 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,772 Which means there might be hanky-panky. 147 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:44,109 So, dude, be cool, relax, don't even... 148 00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:45,844 Just tell me which yankee! 149 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,448 I'd rather not discuss this here. 150 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,283 But then again, I'd hate... 151 00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:54,353 To let a silly secret ruin such a lovely date. 152 00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,821 If there's 153 00:05:55,823 --> 00:05:57,022 An elephant in the room, 154 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,056 Why don't we just remove it? 155 00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,391 I dated derek jeter. 156 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,992 Here's a picture that'll prove it. 157 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,228 Marshall: As ted looked at that cell phone pic, 158 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,996 There were two things he reckoned. 159 00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,998 This definitely was a date, 160 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,568 But there wouldn't be a second. 161 00:06:10,570 --> 00:06:11,870 See? It worked. 162 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,905 I said some rhymes, and out my boy did conk. 163 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,241 Now let's enjoy the ride. 164 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,242 (brakes screech) 165 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:19,044 Move, jackass! (honk) 166 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,279 (crying) 167 00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,552 Okay, I need a brand-new tale to silence marvin's chatter. 168 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,555 I don't know, that last one had some sketchy subject matter. 169 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:33,692 Forgive me, but before you got here, did you smoke a joint? 170 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,061 You don't tell kids a tale that crass! 171 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,496 Narrator: I guess he had a point. 172 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,731 I know, I said some things that were, 173 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,867 As you say, kind of questionable. 174 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,935 The truth is, children marvin's age 175 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,737 Aren't really that impressionable. 176 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,173 Do you remember anything from when you were this small? 177 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:51,276 Pumpkin picking at age three is the first thing I recall. 178 00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,611 Hmm. Huh. 179 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:53,912 He won't remember this. I guess it's true. 180 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,180 It better be. 181 00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,448 Or else we'll end up paying 182 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,083 Through the nose for marvin's therapy. 183 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,952 Okay, buddy, nice chat, but I think I need a break. 184 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:01,920 Great idea. 185 00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,055 After this story! 186 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,757 Robin takes the cake. 187 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,098 Once in an east side bakery, 188 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,101 Your debonair aunt robin was making other customers think, 189 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,103 "geez, who let this slob in?" 190 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,039 She didn't care about their stares, or who was looking on. 191 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,474 She'd just broke up with... 192 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:23,742 Kevin. 193 00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:26,211 No, gael. Or scooby? 194 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,147 Don? 195 00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:30,949 Now, sometimes, 196 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:32,284 When it rains it pours, 197 00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:33,618 And sometimes, it starts snowing, 198 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,121 For as cream filling hit her shirt... 199 00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,556 Man: Hey, robin, how's it going? 200 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,491 'twas simon, her ex-boyfriend 201 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,960 From her younger days in canada, 202 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,495 But now, he looked quite different... 203 00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:46,097 Um... 204 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,332 Rhyme. 205 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,935 Uh... Thinking. Uh... 206 00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,337 I've just been handed a news flash. 207 00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:53,939 The word "canada" is unrhymeable. 208 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,574 It's easier to-- I don't know-- 209 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,509 Get drunk and try to climb a bull. 210 00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:59,978 But canada, damn it, ask any man on the planet 211 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,313 And watch their stammerin' stamina 212 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:04,015 As they clamor and cram it into the middle of a sentence 213 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,517 For a shot at repentance, 214 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:07,953 Pass the problem on to all their non-rhyming descendants. 215 00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,255 I've never met anyone who could clean up after canada. 216 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,090 Except my uncle tony from the bronx. 217 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:13,091 He's a janitor. 218 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,160 (applause) 219 00:08:17,129 --> 00:08:19,998 Show-off. 220 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,000 Simon. Nice to see you. 221 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,135 So, what brings you to new york? 222 00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:25,537 I live here now. What? Really? 223 00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,005 Yeah. That's great. 224 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,640 Can I get a fork? 225 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,141 Marshall: He'd always been a deadbeat 226 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,877 And your classic hoser phony, 227 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:34,846 But seeing simon all cleaned up hit robin like a zamboni. 228 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,015 And as she looked him up and down, 229 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,350 Young robin felt a tingle. 230 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,185 Had simon blossomed finally? 231 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,120 And if so, was he single? 232 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:43,722 So great. 233 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,991 She purred, whilst batting her eyelashes like a flooze. 234 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,126 Yup, I'm engaged to louise marsh, 235 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,995 And our pad's got a jacuzz! 236 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,197 The bakery spinned, the floor dropped out. 237 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,965 The air was thick as syrup. 238 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,967 Poor robin swooned, she couldn't breathe, 239 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,836 Her eyes began to tear up. 240 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,838 And as she tried to stammer some excuse 241 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,573 To get away, simon said: 242 00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:04,042 Our wedding cake is pretty bitchin', eh? 243 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:07,479 And so was born the worst idea poor robin's ever had. 244 00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:10,015 And on ted's door there came a rapping. 245 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:12,083 I did something bad. 246 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:13,685 As robin told her tale, 247 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,820 Ted knew she'd made a massive boo-boo. 248 00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:20,025 For stealing someone's wedding cake is terribly bad juju. 249 00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,527 Robin, I'm beside myself to see what you've become! 250 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,396 You must return this cake at once! 251 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,397 I can't! Why not? 252 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,765 'cause... 253 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,233 Yum. 254 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:32,370 Ted gasped, for he had never seen a brazen act so vicious. 255 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,172 Robin felt remorse, and yet... 256 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,341 Oh, god, this is delicious! 257 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:40,045 So one piece led to two, then three, then five, then 17. 258 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:44,182 She savaged that poor cake like some rapacious wolverine. 259 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:47,185 Eating, gobbling, munching, so the frenzied night wore on. 260 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,087 And by the time your mom arrived, 261 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,022 The cake was halfway gone. 262 00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,724 I came as soon as I got word. 263 00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:54,526 So how bad is the damage? 264 00:09:54,528 --> 00:09:58,730 See for yourself the product of her cake-in-gullet crammage! 265 00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,931 Half a cake? 266 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,399 What have I done?! 267 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,568 The world shall not forgive it! 268 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,236 This day will live in infamy. 269 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,472 I never shall outlive it! 270 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,974 For I have become 271 00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:12,077 The girl that eats her feelings, don't mistake it. 272 00:10:12,079 --> 00:10:15,246 I think I need to get out of this chair before I break it. 273 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,949 Nonsense! Hogwash! Balderdash! 274 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,618 Said mommy, with great fervor. 275 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:22,420 You can't stop now, for don't you see? 276 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:26,257 To the uninformed observer, you're not some sad cliché, 277 00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:29,461 Some loser from a chick-lit story. 278 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:33,164 You're robin, and you're half a wedding cake away from glory! 279 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,001 If you quit now, then simon wins, 280 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,069 The tale comes to a stop 281 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,605 At how you saw an ex, freaked out, 282 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,273 And robbed a pastry shop. 283 00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,943 If you have the guts, my dear, 284 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,078 It's time to get empowered 285 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,280 And be remembered for this 286 00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:52,117 Sweet behemoth you devoured. 287 00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,184 And years from now, 288 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:56,187 The troubadour will raise his voice and sing 289 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:59,124 Of the time that robin took the cake. 290 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,992 And ate the whole... 291 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,293 Damned... 292 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:03,962 Thing. 293 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:06,431 Marshall: Once more into the breach she surged, 294 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,033 As ted and mommy cheered 295 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,970 And bite by bite the towering confection disappeared. 296 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,705 Some friends were called to come and watch. 297 00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:15,206 And no one had to beg. 298 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,541 It soon became a party. 299 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,610 Barney even got a keg. 300 00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,713 Forkful after forkful, robin guzzled french vanilla 301 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,049 Making noises not unlike those made by a gorilla. 302 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,017 Ooh, ooh, ooh! Come on, robin, finish it. 303 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,687 Yeah. Marshall: Mom's exhortations rang 304 00:11:28,689 --> 00:11:32,223 Like apollo coaching rocky 'gainst a frosted clubber lang. 305 00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:33,958 Oh, rocky iv, my favorite. 306 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,527 No, no, iv is with the russians. 307 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,362 No, iv's the one where he talks weird 308 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,997 Because of his concussions. 309 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,331 I think that's all of them. Hey now, 310 00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,168 No need to be discordant. It's rocky iv. 311 00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,903 No, iii. No, ii. 312 00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,871 It's really not important. 313 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,642 At last young robin raised the final bite up to her lips 314 00:11:50,644 --> 00:11:52,043 The crowd grew still. 315 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,145 The only sound was barney 316 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:55,547 Eating chips. (crunch) 317 00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:59,050 Just one bite left. 318 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,053 Hey, this is like that scene from cool hand luke. You know, 319 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,089 (southern accent): "my boy can eat 50 eggs." right? 320 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,924 She's gonna puke. 321 00:12:06,926 --> 00:12:08,226 But robin did not puke. 322 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,361 She ate that bite and stood up, proud. 323 00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:13,565 (wild cheering, whooping) 324 00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:16,034 Wait. I'm not done yet. 325 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,869 She shouted, to the startled crowd. 326 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,671 I've bested this here wedding cake. 327 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:21,372 I'll gladly wear that crown. 328 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,540 But now that I have 329 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:25,076 Done that task it's time to wash it down. 330 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,178 For it's been such an awesome night, 331 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,748 There's just one way to cap it. 332 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,016 I'm going to drink this entire keg. 333 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:35,019 Okay, barney, tap it. 334 00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:36,187 Oh! Wow. 335 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,125 Hup. Ho-o, oh. 336 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:43,595 Marshall: And now that night's remembered not for robin getting dumped 337 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,831 But as the night we took her in to get her stomach pumped. 338 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,033 And look at that, 339 00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,436 The little angel's sleeping soundly, gus. 340 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:52,971 Looks like our problems... 341 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:53,972 Pick a lane! 342 00:12:53,974 --> 00:12:55,306 (honks horn, marvin cries) 343 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:58,643 I hate this stupid bus. 344 00:13:02,548 --> 00:13:04,716 Marvin, I'm afraid this night is not much of a winner. 345 00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,584 Stuck in traffic, now we've missed 346 00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,453 The whole rehearsal dinner. 347 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:11,422 I pray that I was right and that you'll have no memory 348 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,659 Of this godforsaken ride down the congested lie. 349 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,795 At least we know one thing for sure: 350 00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:18,496 Things can't get worse, I swear. 351 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:21,099 Adios, truck stop burrito. Ooh! 352 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:22,734 Do not go in there. 353 00:13:22,736 --> 00:13:26,905 Okay, one more story, and I'll try to tell it pretty. 354 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,940 The tale of barney stinson, 355 00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:31,042 Player king of new york city. 356 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,350 Once upon a time, we all went out to get our drink on. 357 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,085 When who should walk in but a girl 358 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:43,488 With sweater tight and pink on. 359 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,689 She ordered up a beer. 360 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,491 I think you see where this is going. 361 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:48,693 As barney put it, oh so eloquently: 362 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,528 Boy-oy-oy-oing. 363 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:53,965 He rose to go approach this girl commanding such intrigue 364 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:55,466 When mommy interrupted: 365 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,635 Dude, she's way out of your league. 366 00:13:57,637 --> 00:14:01,539 She's not in daisy dukes, nor squeezed into a hooters tee. 367 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,508 And I don't see a curves membership 368 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,043 Dangling from her key. 369 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,144 She has no glaring 370 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:09,514 Spray tan, no unicorn tattoos. 371 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:13,718 She's sipping chardonnay, not pounding cherry-flavored booze. 372 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,986 Her makeup isn't running, 373 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,721 She's not playing with her hair. 374 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:19,824 There's very little chance she'll let you put it anywhere. 375 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,893 Your challenge is accepted, lil. 376 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,895 There is no girl too pretty, 377 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,864 For I am barney stinson, 378 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:28,166 Player king of new york city. 379 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:30,635 You can't anoint yourself the king, 380 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,570 Just like that jerk, lebron. 381 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,839 He left the cavs three years ago. 382 00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,507 Bro, give it up, move on. 383 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:37,642 So why 384 00:14:37,644 --> 00:14:39,143 Am I king? Glad you asked. 385 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:40,011 We didn't. Never do. 386 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,146 It's origin story time. 387 00:14:42,148 --> 00:14:44,849 And trust me, every word is true. 388 00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,186 One morning long ago, I woke up next to a conquest. 389 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,421 So many great things 'bout this girl: Her boobs, 390 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:53,091 Her rack, her chest. 391 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,893 She had a thirst for action, 392 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,995 And young barney was a-quenchin' it. 393 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,196 Is this important to the story? 394 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,098 No, just thought I'd mention it. 395 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,434 As I departed, having bid this busty babe buh-bye, 396 00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,403 I stopped and looked around, and wondered: 397 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,038 Where the hell am I? 398 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,407 The sign read 22nd street, and my concern decreased 399 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,577 Until a cold wind blew a branch aside, 400 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:13,912 Revealing: "east." 401 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:16,247 The east side. No. 402 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,582 Wh-what have I done? 403 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,950 I stammered with chagrin. 404 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,852 Just then a black sedan pulled up... 405 00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:22,420 You barney? Yeah. 406 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,055 Get in. (sighs) 407 00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:25,223 Is any of this true? 408 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,393 Of course. Now, hang on to your "chayers." 409 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,929 For that day I was called before... 410 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:33,398 The high council of players. 411 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,935 Gentlemen, for your attendance here, our deepest thanks. 412 00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:40,972 I'm sad to say, this council has a poacher in its ranks. 413 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,573 For barney here 414 00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:44,809 Picked up a girl outside his territory. 415 00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:45,810 The east side 416 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,412 Is tuxedo charlie's turf. 417 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:48,579 He's mad. 418 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,114 True story. 419 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:53,551 The agreement of 2004 quite clearly did define 420 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,621 Fifth avenue to be our hunting grounds' dividing line. 421 00:15:56,623 --> 00:16:01,059 Your west side college girls are not the slip I park my boat in. 422 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,460 So you should know 423 00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:06,397 My east side debutantes are quite verboten. 424 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,499 (sighs) members of the council... 425 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,169 Bros... Nobody wants a war. 426 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:14,339 Of course I've not forgotten the agreement of '04. 427 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,107 What can I say? A bonehead move. 428 00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,976 Defend it? I'm not able. 429 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:20,345 But, bros, have I not been a bro 430 00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,113 To each bro at this table? 431 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:24,115 My friend from brooklyn, pickle jar bob, 432 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,084 Will give some validation. 433 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,151 Remember that young tourist 434 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:29,821 Who was looking for penn station? 435 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:32,590 She'd just come in from boston, had a wicked good-in-bed look. 436 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:36,594 I gave her bad directions and she ended up in red hook. 437 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,463 Shut up, barney. Whoa, bronx donnie, 438 00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,131 Let's not get excited. 439 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:43,501 Tuxedo charlie's not the only one here who's been slighted. 440 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,971 You told her you were jeter in your quest to lie upon her. 441 00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,507 Impersonating yankees is my thing. 442 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,142 Have you no honor? 443 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,177 Gentlemen, please, let's not blow 444 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,046 This détente to smithereens. 445 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,448 Council recognizes captain bill, 446 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,017 Our bro from queens. 447 00:16:59,019 --> 00:16:59,984 Thank you. 448 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,352 You all know me, 449 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,021 And you all respect my game. 450 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,557 I dress up like a pilot and meet girls in baggage claim. 451 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,894 And on my long-ass subway ride from 61st and woodside, 452 00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:13,031 I came up with a plan to keep you on each other's good side. 453 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,366 Barney, you have wronged these two. 454 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:16,834 So, for the game 455 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,970 They're losing, you now must grant them each 456 00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:21,472 A west side hottie of their choosing. 457 00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:22,540 You're kidding. 458 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,908 That's the settlement? 459 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,077 Come on, that's rather silly. Gentlemen, 460 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,045 What say you? 461 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,046 I want robin. 462 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,047 I want lily. 463 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,915 Please. Bronx donnie? 464 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,317 No chance he could get me in the sack. 465 00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:36,187 Tell that mafioso I know something he can whack. 466 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,755 Ladies, don't you worry, 467 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,924 Your fair legs can all stay closed. 468 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,092 'cause luckily they took 469 00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:44,062 The counteroffer I proposed. 470 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:45,363 Well, gentlemen, 471 00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,198 It seems there's nothing I can say to sway you. 472 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,666 Charlie, donnie, 473 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,435 Say no more, I gladly will repay you. 474 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:52,770 Carlotta, some champagne. 475 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:56,407 Let's toast before we all adjourn. 476 00:17:58,777 --> 00:18:00,912 To boobies. 477 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:03,781 Oh, and b-t-dub, 478 00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,516 Y'all just drank poison. 479 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:06,717 Ha-burn. 480 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,186 (gags) 481 00:18:16,395 --> 00:18:18,596 (maniacal laugh) 482 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,137 And thus, my friends, I have become, 483 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,272 Through methods somewhat gory 484 00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:31,075 The player king of new york city. 485 00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:32,043 Boom. 486 00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:34,312 The end. 487 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,780 True story. 488 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,215 Well, that was great. 489 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,117 Your little story tickled all our ribs. 490 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,052 But one mistake you made, sir, 491 00:18:41,054 --> 00:18:43,454 Was forgetting to call dibs. 492 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:44,088 (gasps) 493 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,556 Barney: No! Not fair. 494 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,291 But I'm the king. 495 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,927 And such a better dresser. Ted: Sorry, dude, 496 00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,562 But that's revenge 497 00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:54,132 For lisa the professor. (chuckles) 498 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,299 (giggles) 499 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,934 Let's have another round. 500 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,102 Yes. Marshall: Your mommy said. 501 00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,904 And so we had one. 502 00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,739 The night wore on, and I must say, 503 00:19:01,741 --> 00:19:03,774 It wasn't a half bad one. 504 00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:06,077 What memories. Our young and happy hearts 505 00:19:06,079 --> 00:19:08,913 Were hot as fire. 506 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,816 Feels like a lifetime since those days. 507 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,620 (loud bump) bus driver: Sorry, folks, 508 00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:17,021 Flat tire. 509 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:18,589 (marvin cries) oh, come on. 510 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:20,958 Now I'm never gonna make it to nantucket. 511 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,094 (marvin continues wailing) 512 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:29,033 (explosions) 513 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:30,868 Oh, look a fireworks display. 514 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:32,303 Some rockets red glare action. 515 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,671 Thank god. 516 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:37,175 Thought my glaucoma drops were causing a reaction. 517 00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:41,279 Marvin, I'm so sorry this whole journey's been a bummer. 518 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:46,517 Soon you'll be right back in mommy's arms, as warm as summer. 519 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,987 But sadly while your troubles stop once we get to the inn 520 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,357 The moment we arrive is when my troubles will begin. 521 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,893 Sometimes daddies screw up, 522 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,729 Sometimes mommies get upset. 523 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:02,166 I really hope this weekend is a memory you'll forget. 524 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:05,870 So look up at those fireworks, enjoy the falling embers... 525 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:09,373 Narrator: And that, kids, is the very first thing 526 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:12,610 Your cousin marvin remembers. 527 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:18,883 Gentlemen and ladies, it'll be an hour or so... 528 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,851 (groans) before the truck gets here to give our 529 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:22,520 Broken bus a tow. 530 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:26,090 So in the meantime I suggest we all get nice and cozy. 531 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:28,659 We're gonna be here for a while. 532 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,830 Uh, ring-around-the-rosy? 533 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,865 Yeah! 534 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:38,002 How far do you suppose it is to the farhampton inn? 535 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,004 I'd say about five miles away. 536 00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:41,872 Oh, no. 537 00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,441 What's with the grin? 538 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,409 Narrator: Then marshall looked up heavenward, 539 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,445 And swore by night's first star 540 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,847 Five simple words he'd soon regret: 541 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,415 I can walk that far. 542 00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,254 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org