1
00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:07,206
("o fortuna" playing)

2
00:00:10,250 --> 00:00:20,886
ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
PSArips.com

3
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:39,972
("o fortuna" playing)

4
00:00:39,974 --> 00:00:41,907
Narrator:
<i>Oh, sorry, kids.</i>

5
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:44,309
<i>I forgot to mention</i>
<i>there's a bit of a backstory</i>

6
00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:46,078
<i>To this particular slap.</i>

7
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:47,312
Oh, man.

8
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,914
Oh.

9
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:51,183
At least it landed
on the mustard stain.

10
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,919
Don't bother.
That suit is a stain.

11
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:56,922
A stain on the very institution
of suits.

12
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,323
You know what tie goes
with that suit?

13
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,426
The tie at the top
of a hefty bag.

14
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,827
A suit like that

15
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:04,096
Only needs one button...
Self-destruct.

16
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,330
Hey, I bought him
that suit.

17
00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:06,999
Where? Barfs brothers?

18
00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:09,601
Men's outhouse?

19
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,670
Giorgio arms...
Are-not-the-same-lengthy?

20
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,008
That suit is a slap in the face
to all suits everywhere.

21
00:01:16,010 --> 00:01:18,277
A slap in the face.

22
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:20,345
Uh, yes, barney.

23
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:22,915
There's something I need to
tell you about the next slap

24
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,249
That you're going to receive.

25
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,417
You see,

26
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,252
I want this slap to be

27
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,456
As painful as
humanly possible.

28
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,257
Both: Sure.
Sure.
Okay, okay.

29
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,026
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you
right there.

30
00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:37,629
Yes, you won a slap bet
with me seven years ago.

31
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:38,931
And, yes, over the years,

32
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:41,100
You got in some great slaps.

33
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,936
Some great slaps.

34
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,037
But here's the problem.

35
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:46,939
You've tormented me so much

36
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,807
That I am now immune to it.

37
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:49,641
Hmm.
It's as if

38
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:52,811
My face, my psyche, my soul

39
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,080
Were covered
in that numbing cream

40
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:57,249
We all put on our deals
so that we can go all night.

41
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,317
Am I right, fellas?

42
00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:03,122
Okay, we'll all just pretend
like we've never done that.

43
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:06,592
Just like we've never sat on our
left hand until it fell asleep

44
00:02:06,594 --> 00:02:08,494
And then used it
for an away gamer.

45
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,462
Okay.

46
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,463
We'll all pretend

47
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:12,598
Like we've never done that.

48
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,632
Just like we've all never taken

49
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,300
Two live jumper cables...

50
00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:16,935
Please stop.

51
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,504
Barney, I'm well-aware
that you've developed

52
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,639
A resistance to all
of my old tricks,

53
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,809
Which is why I sought
out special training.

54
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,979
Hi, hey, I'm sure you get
this question all the time.

55
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,982
But is there a special class
where I just learn slapping?

56
00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,917
We teach kung fu here.

57
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,585
Right, see,
the thing is, I don't need

58
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,920
To learn anything about kicking.

59
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:35,921
You know?

60
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,489
'cause, uh...

61
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:39,925
So, yeah.

62
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,127
I'm good there.

63
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:43,929
Um, what I really need
to learn is slapping.

64
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,465
I need someone to teach me
how to slap my friend

65
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,601
Just like really hard
right in his stupid face.

66
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,936
Can you teach me that?

67
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,839
Kung fu is an ancient
and honorable martial art.

68
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:54,940
It must be learned
with great devotion

69
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:57,576
And respect.

70
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,979
So, where are we on this
whole slapping thing?

71
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,347
Yes, no, maybe...?
Get out.

72
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:05,951
Psst.

73
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,953
I know what you seek.

74
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,021
You seek to learn

75
00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:10,989
The slap of a thousand

76
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:13,025
Exploding suns.

77
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,060
Yes, that's totally
a thing I've heard of.

78
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,495
Can you teach me?

79
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,730
No, but I know who can.

80
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,566
Can you take me
to this great master?

81
00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:21,900
I have much gold.

82
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,404
It is not one great master
you seek but three.

83
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,738
They will teach you

84
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:30,175
The three mighty virtues
of slapistry.

85
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:30,976
Speed.

86
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,845
Strength.

87
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:37,249
And accuracy.

88
00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,585
Put these
three virtues together,

89
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:42,087
And only then
will you have mastered

90
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,256
The slap of a million

91
00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:47,759
Exploding suns.

92
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,661
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but a second ago,

93
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,331
Wasn't it the slap
of a thousand exploding suns?

94
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,600
Pretty sure I said
a million, guys?
I heard a million.

95
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:55,934
He said a million.
One million.

96
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,903
Marshall:
<i>So I went to shanghai...</i>

97
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,104
You didn't go to shanghai.

98
00:03:59,106 --> 00:03:59,905
I went to shanghai.

99
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:00,939
When did you go to shanghai?

100
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:01,907
Last year I went
to shanghai.

101
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:02,908
You didn't go to shanghai.

102
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,076
He went to shanghai.

103
00:04:04,078 --> 00:04:05,744
He didn't go to shanghai.
Totally went to shanghai.

104
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:06,411
You didn't go to shanghai.

105
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,079
So I went to shanghai.

106
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,017
<i>In search of the first master.</i>

107
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,822
Are you red bird?

108
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,863
Barney:
<i>Okay, enough.</i>

109
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,298
I know you're trying
to freak me out.

110
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,100
But like I said,
it's not working.

111
00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,935
So I will give you much gold

112
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,104
To stop wasting my time.

113
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:34,039
Hold that thought, I just want
to see if I can fix this.

114
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,474
(song skipping)

115
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,542
(groans)

116
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:43,582
(all gasp)

117
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,083
All:
The slap of...

118
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,418
Ten million
exploding suns!
500 exploding suns!

119
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,519
Three billion exploding stars!

120
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:50,989
Whoops.

121
00:04:57,096 --> 00:04:58,263
(chuckles)

122
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,798
(sighs)

123
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,933
(gasps)

124
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,603
Relax, I'm not gonna
slap you right now.

125
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,971
(grunts)

126
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,441
When I slap you, it shall be
beneath a willow tree

127
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:13,445
Next to four women and a tiger.

128
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,781
A willow tree,
four women and a tiger?

129
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,115
What are you talking about?

130
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:20,152
Who said anything about a willow
tree, four women and a tiger?

131
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,586
Guys?
Nobody.

132
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:22,921
A tiger?
You were totally
silent just now.

133
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,157
But marshall just said that!

134
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:26,291
What is going on?

135
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:29,094
How did you do that
to the jukebox?

136
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,430
Wait, it's fake.

137
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,598
That's a prop jukebox,

138
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,934
Designed just to mess with me.

139
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,170
Marshall, that jukebox
cost eight grand.

140
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,173
I have much gold.

141
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:45,177
Huh, that is much.

142
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,212
You got lucky, eriksen.

143
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,182
I don't like this!

144
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:51,950
I thought that nothing
I said or did

145
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,485
Could intimidate you anymore.

146
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:55,354
(stammers)
that's right.

147
00:05:55,356 --> 00:05:57,155
It can't.

148
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,458
(sniffs)
(yells)

149
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,292
Itch.

150
00:06:00,294 --> 00:06:01,493
Look.

151
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:02,894
If you're really nervous,

152
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,730
Don't think of it as a slap.

153
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,898
Think of it as a high five.
Okay.

154
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,067
For your stupid face.
(barney crying)

155
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:09,901
So, anyway, I'm in
the noodle house...

156
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,236
I'll admit.

157
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,804
I didn't expect red bird,

158
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,575
Master of speed, to be a girl.

159
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,143
You sure you really
know how to...?

160
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:20,579
What is the sound
of one hand slapping?

161
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:23,081
I'm sorry, I don't understa...

162
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:24,649
(slap)

163
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,352
Wait, how did you...?

164
00:06:27,354 --> 00:06:28,420
(slap)

165
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:31,256
Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...

166
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,324
(slap)

167
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:36,094
You know, that tip
isn't a full 20%...

168
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,329
(two slaps)

169
00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,599
Train me, red bird.

170
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,100
Teach me speed.

171
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,201
No.

172
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,070
I retired long ago.

173
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,905
Retired? You're like, 32.

174
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,473
I am 86 years old.

175
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:50,909
But slapping is now

176
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,077
A part of my past.

177
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:56,081
Darn, I really wanted
to slap barney stinson.

178
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,616
This is to slap barney stinson?

179
00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,351
Yeah, okay.

180
00:06:59,353 --> 00:07:01,920
I'll totally teach you.

181
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,789
Marshall:
<i>And so began my training.</i>

182
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:07,092
Slap this tree.

183
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,093
Slap the tree?

184
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,594
If you can.

185
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:13,932
I mean...

186
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,500
Seems pretty easy.

187
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,773
Ooh!

188
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,108
What the...?

189
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,611
Ooh!

190
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:29,147
The fabled slapping tree

191
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,316
Of gongqing forest.

192
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,250
Barney:
<i>Beg your pardon.</i>

193
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,286
The "fabled slapping tree

194
00:07:34,288 --> 00:07:37,289
Of gongqing forest"?
Sure.

195
00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:38,990
Really? "fabled."
mmm.

196
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,926
'cause I've never heard of it.

197
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:41,993
I'm pretty sure
everybody's heard of it.

198
00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:42,994
Guys?
Yup.

199
00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,763
Totally, yeah.
I backpacked there in college.

200
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:45,664
See?

201
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:46,998
Fabled.
It even inspired

202
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,334
A popular chinese
children's book.

203
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,103
<i>It's a poignant parable</i>

204
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:55,373
Whose message, is if you
love someone, set them free.

205
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,843
But not before first

206
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,045
Slapping them right
in their stupid face.

207
00:08:01,113 --> 00:08:02,981
<i>As my training continued,</i>

208
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,051
I also learned the delicate art
<i>of chinese painting.</i>

209
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,721
That looks nothing
like this bowl of fruit!

210
00:08:11,924 --> 00:08:13,291
Marshall:
My training went on for a year.

211
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:14,960
A year?
A year.

212
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,962
One year?
None of us noticed

213
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:19,631
You were stuck in shanghai
for a year?

214
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,433
I wasn't being held slaptive,

215
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:23,768
I chose to stay and
complete my training.

216
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,971
I'm not even gonna...

217
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,172
Just, whatever.

218
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,174
You have shown great slaptitude,

219
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,976
Young one.

220
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,278
You are ready
for your final test.

221
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,614
Slap me.

222
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:36,781
What?

223
00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:37,616
Slap me, now!

224
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,317
No, red bird, I can't.

225
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,819
Slap me-- that is not a request.

226
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,653
I won't!

227
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:42,654
The vikings will never

228
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,189
Win the super bo...
(slap)

229
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,025
Wait, how did you...?
(slap)

230
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:47,959
Lucky shot.

231
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,461
I wasn't re...
(slap)

232
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:50,629
That's a big tip.

233
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,730
You must have much gold.

234
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,899
(two slaps)

235
00:08:53,901 --> 00:08:56,167
You are ready
for your final step.

236
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,969
Awesome! Oh, man!

237
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,905
I can't wait
to slap barney stinson

238
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:01,573
Right across his stupid fa...

239
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,642
(slapping)

240
00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:07,846
What? What did I say?

241
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,415
You must not slap anyone
until your training is complete.

242
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:13,018
The consequences could be dire.

243
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:16,087
First, you must meet
white flower,

244
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:19,591
The second master,
who will teach you strength.

245
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,092
She lives atop a mountain.

246
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,193
Which mountain?

247
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,363
No, not witch mountain.

248
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,499
Slap mountain.

249
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:30,769
Barney:
<i>Hate to cut in</i>
<i>again here, but...</i>

250
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:33,004
Slap mountain?
That's right.

251
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,839
You're claiming there's
a mountain in china

252
00:09:34,841 --> 00:09:37,275
In the exact shape of a hand?

253
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,343
Everyone knows that.

254
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,444
Right, guys?
True.

255
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,012
Totally.
I backpacked there in college.

256
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,848
It's the largest
of the slappalachian mountains.

257
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,083
(groans)

258
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,151
And at the top...

259
00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:52,190
Excuse me? Uh, do you know

260
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,092
Where I can find white flower?

261
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,963
How dare you speak that name?

262
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:01,433
That is the most feared name
in 40 villages!

263
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,935
Really? "white flower"?

264
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,937
I'm sorry, it's just,
it's not exactly voldemort.

265
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,105
Bro!

266
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,773
Why don't you
just say "candyman"

267
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:09,975
Three times and be done with it?

268
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,109
Geez!

269
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,986
(fly buzzing)

270
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:27,092
Awesome!

271
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,160
Can-can you teach me
how to do that?

272
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,930
No, I retired
from teaching long ago.

273
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,665
Retired? You're like, 32.

274
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,101
I am 106 years old.

275
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,969
What is in these noodles?

276
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,438
I'm sorry,
but my slapping days are over.

277
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,674
Darn, I really wanted

278
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:46,111
This next barney stinson slap
to be special.

279
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,679
This is to slap barney stinson?
Mmm.

280
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,547
Yeah, okay,
I'll totally teach you.

281
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:54,019
The true power of any slap

282
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,087
Comes from the anger behind it.

283
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,090
So for a truly devastating slap,

284
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,926
You must harvest
the anger of many.

285
00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:03,328
Every time

286
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,264
Someone who hates barney
slaps you in the face,

287
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:09,968
The power of their anger goes
from your face

288
00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,169
Into your hand.

289
00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,808
Marshall:
<i>White flower and I made love</i>
<i>that night in the forest.</i>

290
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:18,843
No, sorry. Flag on the play.

291
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,478
You banged white flower?

292
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,314
I made love to white flower.

293
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,483
And then I banged her.

294
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,351
In the forest?

295
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,486
In gongqing forest, yes.

296
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:31,322
Actually right near
the slapping tree.

297
00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:34,325
Which may or may not
have come into play.

298
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:35,427
Oh, my god,
you had a tree-way?

299
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:39,964
And, lily, you were okay
with marshall having an affair?

300
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:42,000
What happens
in the magical gongqing forest

301
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,002
Stays in the magical
gongqing forest.

302
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,970
Best wife ever.

303
00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:48,306
Like I was saying,

304
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,974
You need to harvest the anger

305
00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:52,010
Of others into your own slap.

306
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:52,977
Now, dig deep.

307
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:55,413
Can you think of anyone,

308
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,981
Anyone at all

309
00:11:56,983 --> 00:11:59,084
Who hates barney stinson?

310
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,886
(both laughing)

311
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:05,757
I know, I know, I almost
couldn't get through it

312
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,092
With a straight face!

313
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:09,027
There are just so many people

314
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,663
Who hate barney's guts!

315
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:14,999
Moving on.

316
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,267
(sighs)

317
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,937
The point is, you need
to go get slapped in the face

318
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,339
By a bunch of gullible chicks
barney banged.

319
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:23,575
I'm a friend
of barney stinson. Ooh!

320
00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,076
I'm a friend of barney stins...

321
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,579
I-I'm-I'm a friend
of barney stinson. Aah!

322
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:28,613
Ooh!

323
00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:29,614
I'm so sorry.

324
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:30,682
I thought you said you were

325
00:12:30,684 --> 00:12:31,683
A friend of barney stinson.

326
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:33,118
I did. Ooh!

327
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,185
Oh!

328
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,956
Ooh! Wow!

329
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:41,259
Could you... Also...

330
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,962
Slap me in the face?

331
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,431
God, you're just
as perverted as barney.

332
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,433
Ooh!

333
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,635
(groans)

334
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,704
<i>And after a while...</i>

335
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,277
Look at this thing--
it's all hot and glowy!

336
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:02,080
I'll never have
cold pizza again!

337
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,616
I'll never have cold pizza
again.

338
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:05,283
Silence!

339
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,918
Sorry, white flower.

340
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,419
I've just got
a slappetite for destruction.

341
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:09,587
Thanks for everything!

342
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,922
I'm gonna go slap barney stinson

343
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:12,257
Right in his stupid face!

344
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,926
Wait, first you must
go learn accuracy

345
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:17,095
From the one who is called
the calligrapher

346
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:20,031
In the far-off,
mystical land of...

347
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:23,935
Cleveland?
Cleveland.

348
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:24,936
Why cleveland?

349
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:26,337
It's the city equivalent

350
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,006
Of being slapped in the face.

351
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,307
Bro.

352
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,777
Man, is this place
a chain or something?

353
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:33,678
One for dinner?

354
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:37,682
No, I'm here to meet her.

355
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,518
Bro.

356
00:13:45,090 --> 00:13:46,591
Can you teach me accuracy?

357
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:47,926
I can.

358
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,295
The proper question is: Will I?

359
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,330
Grammar is the first step

360
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,300
On the thousand-mile journey
to accuracy.

361
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:59,137
I'm, uh, assuming there's
no mrs. The calligrapher?

362
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:01,773
The path I've chosen
is lonesome.

363
00:14:01,775 --> 00:14:02,974
But it's no big deal.

364
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,976
I prefer being alone,
I really do.

365
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,344
Unless you know
any single ladies

366
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,012
You-you-you could
set me up with.

367
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,748
Nope.
Good, because I prefer
being alone.

368
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:12,984
Also I'm sorry,

369
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:16,187
But I retired
from teaching long ago.

370
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,856
Retired? You're like, 35.

371
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:20,158
(groans)
I'm 34.

372
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,159
Oh, sorry.

373
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,127
I use moisturizer every night.

374
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,363
I thought my skin
still looked vibrant.

375
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,631
It does, it does.

376
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,066
Look, uh, I'm just...

377
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,501
I'm really just here
to finish my training,

378
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:32,570
Um, so, the, uh,
look, the truth is,

379
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:35,740
I have a divorced cousin
just outside of akron.

380
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,743
Now, I wouldn't call janice
easy on the eyes--

381
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,912
Or the springs
of a bathroom scale--

382
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,248
But if you want,
I could set you up.

383
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,250
Sold! Now, the most
important lesson

384
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,318
In learning accuracy...
(choking)

385
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:55,026
He was dying right
before my eyes.

386
00:14:55,028 --> 00:14:57,829
So I did the only thing
that I could think to do.

387
00:14:57,831 --> 00:15:00,698
(stammers)
please!

388
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,267
<i>I slapped his back.</i>

389
00:15:02,269 --> 00:15:03,701
And that's when I found out why

390
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,937
"no slapping until
your training is complete"

391
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:07,906
Is the most important rule.

392
00:15:07,908 --> 00:15:09,741
Because my slap...

393
00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:12,343
Was too powerful.

394
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,913
I hadn't learned accuracy

395
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:17,515
And so I couldn't control it.

396
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,850
And, well...

397
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:31,529
No!

398
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,431
Stop it! Just stop!

399
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,768
You did not slap the heart
out of a man's body!

400
00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,770
If only that were true.

401
00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:41,105
You're saying
that you committed a murder?

402
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,774
I was trying to save him!

403
00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:45,109
Shh, baby, it's okay,
you didn't mean to.

404
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,477
He doesn't sleep.

405
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:47,645
You got to move on.
You were only trying to help.

406
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,647
You're making
this whole story up.

407
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,582
I wish that I were.

408
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,084
Because of the tragedy,

409
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,252
I never got to
finish my training.

410
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:57,088
I never learned accuracy.

411
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,091
Because of that,
I shall remain...

412
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,960
Forever...

413
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,963
A mere slapprentice.

414
00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:07,098
What does that mean, baby?

415
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,499
Narrator:
<i>Here's what it meant.</i>

416
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:11,002
("o fortuna" playing)

417
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:17,608
(barney gasps)

418
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,676
(yelling)

419
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,511
Damn it!

420
00:16:25,517 --> 00:16:27,352
Please! Somebody!

421
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,987
Help me!

422
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:33,091
There's a crazy guy trying
to slap me and he's...

423
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,659
Oh, my god.

424
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,327
Four women.

425
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,662
And a willow tree.

426
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,165
At least there's no tiger.

427
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,302
Oh, my god.

428
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,338
Is that... Half a tiger?

429
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,107
You got here early.

430
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:51,175
Aah!

431
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:53,945
It's time.

432
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:56,614
But you never completed
your training.

433
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,483
Actually...

434
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,618
Listen to me.
I must speak fast.

435
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,687
Once you've had your heart
slapped out of your body,

436
00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,989
You've only got ten,
15 minutes to live, max.

437
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,859
Sure.
The trick to accuracy

438
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,994
Is to, like,
try to be really accurate.

439
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,796
Okay? Don't just slap.

440
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,631
Like, like, really try to aim.

441
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:16,000
Look where you're slapping,
that's important.

442
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:18,236
And then try to slap that spot

443
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:21,239
Instead of some other spot.

444
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,907
Well, I guess
that's pretty much it.

445
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,075
You can slap people now.

446
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,877
(groans)

447
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:29,747
He's gone.

448
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,082
One other thing.

449
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,750
Cleveland has a lot to offer.

450
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,520
Be sure to check out
the james a. Garfield monument.

451
00:17:35,522 --> 00:17:38,089
Um, I mean, sure, he was only
president for four months

452
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,424
Before he was assassinated,

453
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,826
But if you get up to the top,
you can see almost for 30 miles.

454
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:44,095
As long as the steel factory's
not smelting.

455
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,731
(groans)

456
00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:49,000
He's gone.

457
00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:52,003
No, like I said,
ten, 15 minutes.

458
00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,373
Oh, god, this is awkward.

459
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:56,941
Yeah, yeah.

460
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,076
It's like when you're saying
good-bye to someone,

461
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,177
And then you realize
you're both heading

462
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,278
In the same direction.

463
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,345
It's like, what
do we, what do we

464
00:18:01,347 --> 00:18:03,347
We say good-bye again or...?

465
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:05,249
Right...
(groans)

466
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,752
He's gone.

467
00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:12,323
Wait, are you just pretending
so it'll be less awkward?

468
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:15,159
Should I just, like, go?

469
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:18,029
Okay.

470
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,671
My training is complete.

471
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,674
I'm ready.

472
00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:33,211
I'm ready, too.

473
00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:35,613
I love you.

474
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,948
Enough to take this slap for me?

475
00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,050
No.

476
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,354
♪

477
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,016
(grunts)

478
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:14,852
That's four!

479
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,454
All right!
Yeah!
Oh!

480
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,456
Good one, you got me
that time, bro.

481
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:19,423
Yeah, right?
Hey, only one slap left.

482
00:19:19,425 --> 00:19:21,092
Crazy! Where did the time go?

483
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:22,093
I know, it's, like, uh,

484
00:19:22,095 --> 00:19:23,461
Slow down, life,
you know what I mean?

485
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:24,595
(laughter)

486
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,430
Hey, was that a fake jukebox?

487
00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,099
Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox.
Nice, nice.

488
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:29,634
Aw, man.
All right.

489
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,035
You okay? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, good.

490
00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:36,607
Ladies and gentlemen,
boyz ii men.

491
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,943
♪ ooh-ooh

492
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,479
♪ ooh

493
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,782
♪ what is this feeling

494
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:48,786
♪ that's put you
in your place? ♪

495
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:51,789
♪ a hot red burning

496
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,292
♪ on the side of your face

497
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,526
♪ <i>ah</i> ♪

498
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,461
♪ you feel the blood rush

499
00:19:57,463 --> 00:19:58,963
♪ to your cheek

500
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:02,900
♪ tears start
to fill your eyes ♪

501
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:06,504
♪ your lips are trembling,
but you can't speak ♪

502
00:20:06,506 --> 00:20:08,573
♪ you're trying, oh

503
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:13,077
♪ you're trying not to cry

504
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,012
♪ you just got slapped

505
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,914
♪ whoa

506
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,684
♪ across the face, my friend

507
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:22,820
♪ yeah, you just got slapped

508
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,488
♪ oh, yes

509
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:26,524
♪ it really just happened

510
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,259
♪ <i>oh, yes, it did</i> ♪

511
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:32,697
♪ oh, everybody saw it-- ha!

512
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:35,766
♪ and everybody laughed
and clapped ♪

513
00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:38,269
♪ ooh, everybody saw it

514
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:43,941
♪ ha! And everybody laughed
and clapped ♪

515
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:49,780
♪ 'cause it was awesome
♪ <i>so awesome</i> ♪

516
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:52,250
♪ the way that you
just got slapped ♪

517
00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:55,620
♪ ooh, yeah
♪ <i>slapped</i> ♪

518
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:58,689
♪ oh, yeah.

519
00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:05,496
One more.