1 00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:03,802 The mother: Okay, it's over. 2 00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,004 Ted: Starting the clock now. 3 00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,171 (exhales) 4 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:07,439 (exhales) 5 00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,675 Labor sucks, huh? Yeah. 6 00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:10,976 That fun-sounding name? 7 00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,878 It's totally misleading. 8 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:13,946 (chuckles) 9 00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:14,947 Better have this baby soon. 10 00:00:14,949 --> 00:00:16,949 You know my mom's rule: 11 00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:19,051 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.M. 12 00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:22,688 Just like I don't buy what her son told me: 13 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,123 "let's go away for one last weekend 14 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,491 "before the baby comes. 15 00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,159 We'll be fine!" 16 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,061 Well, I hate to point fingers, 17 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,163 But you should never listen to me. 18 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,331 You know that. 19 00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,699 That's my bad. 20 00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:37,002 Oh! 21 00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,303 Here comes another one. Already? 22 00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:39,505 Yeah, yep, yep. Okay, okay, okay. 23 00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,140 We should get you to the hospital. Come on. 24 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,574 The mother: Okay. 25 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,809 Ted: Oh, here we go. 26 00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:47,146 Sho-sho-shoes, baby-baby-baby... 27 00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:52,151 You guys can't still see where marshall slapped me, can you? 28 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,087 Your face looks like a "don't walk" signal. 29 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,255 Your face looks like a photo negative 30 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,589 Of the hamburger helper box. 31 00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,391 A palm reader could tell marshall's future 32 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,160 By studying your face. 33 00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:03,395 The phrase "talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listening" 34 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,563 Doesn't work for you 35 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,532 Because the hand is on your face. 36 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:09,168 A simple "yes" would've sufficed. 37 00:01:10,036 --> 00:01:11,236 Lily: Oh, baby, 38 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,038 I missed you so much. 39 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,573 I am so angry! 40 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,242 I am gonna tear you apart tonight. 41 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:18,544 I am gonna tear you 42 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,045 Apart tonight! Okay, okay. 43 00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,613 Look, we said that we wouldn't fight 44 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,416 Until the gang was all done hanging out, remember? 45 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,552 Narrator: Ever since lily heard that marshall 46 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,187 Had accepted an offer to be a judge, 47 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,689 Thus jeopardizing their planned year in Italy, 48 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,591 They both knew a big fight was coming. 49 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,860 But when they finally saw each other... 50 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,628 Pause? 51 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,130 Pause. 52 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,466 Narrator: See, lily and marshall had a long tradition 53 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,401 Of hitting "pause" on their arguments. 54 00:01:42,403 --> 00:01:44,403 Sometimes they paused because 55 00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:46,405 They suddenly had other things to do. 56 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,640 We have to stick to our budget! Okay? 57 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,576 You cannot be out there buying all these 58 00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,244 Brazilian bikini waxes 59 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,079 And kama sutra body oils 60 00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,647 And edible... Pause. 61 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,051 Narrator: Sometimes, they paused to keep their fights 62 00:01:59,053 --> 00:02:00,886 From subtly changing subjects. 63 00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,321 Baby, I cannot put up with 64 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,556 Your shoes being all over the house! 65 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,492 Why not? I put up with your terrible mother. 66 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,493 (gasps) 67 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,927 Pause! Pause. 68 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,629 Narrator: And now that they were paused, 69 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,464 Marshall realized he would do anything 70 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,766 To stay paused for as long as he could. 71 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,301 Okay, time to go to bed. 72 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,503 Big day tomorrow. 73 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,504 Big day tomorrow! Big day tomorrow! 74 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,505 Marshall: Screw tomorrow! 75 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,839 We go big tonight, huh? 76 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:23,675 We go big tonight! We go big tonight! 77 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,010 (laughing) marshall: I mean, uh... 78 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,445 Come on, you know, uh, 79 00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:28,480 What time is it, anyway? 80 00:02:28,504 --> 00:02:36,504 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 81 00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:47,166 Hey, where's the baby? 82 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,435 The elevator! The elevator! 83 00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,803 (laughs) 84 00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:53,005 Ah, that joke just never gets old. 85 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:55,541 And it's not at all inspired by real-life events. 86 00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,276 No, it is not. Mm-mm. 87 00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,478 Anyway, the sitter has marvin for the night. 88 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:00,779 Ooh! 89 00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,048 And now... The best thing 90 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:04,550 To come out of my cross-country trip: 91 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,351 A little segment I like to call 92 00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:10,055 "embarrassing souvenirs I picked up from ted's childhood home." 93 00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:11,356 (robin giggles) 94 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,524 (barney laughs) 95 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,961 "totally awesome ted." 96 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:17,896 What, did you steal this off some other kid named ted? 97 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,131 I'm just getting warmed up here. 98 00:03:19,133 --> 00:03:20,632 (laughing): This is fun. 99 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,634 We're all... You know, it's... 100 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,036 I'm having fun. (marshall chuckles) 101 00:03:24,038 --> 00:03:26,505 When you squeeze this toy, a recording of ted says, 102 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,807 "I wuv you, mommy!" 103 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:29,975 Oh, but that's sweet! 104 00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,910 Why would we make fun of him for that? 105 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,645 He gave it to her when he was 19. 106 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:34,913 Ted (recorded): I wuv you, mommy. 107 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,349 (laughing) 108 00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:40,652 And lastly, a photo of young ted 109 00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,522 And his best friend dressed up like cowboys. 110 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,523 No, oh, all right. 111 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,058 Leave him alone. 112 00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:47,326 His best friend was a balloon. 113 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:48,327 Robin: I want to see that picture 114 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,394 More than I want to get married! 115 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:51,930 (laughing) 116 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,131 I hate you so much. 117 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:57,069 (deep voice): Oo yah maya stupa koon! 118 00:03:57,071 --> 00:03:59,204 Ho ho ho ho! 119 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:00,939 Narrator: Over the years, we'd seen 120 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,941 All sorts of levels of barney's drunkenness. 121 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,576 How you doin'? 122 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,844 Narrator: "richard dawson drunk..." 123 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,412 Ah, is this your sister? 124 00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:10,515 Narrator: "big plans with strangers drunk..." 125 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:11,516 Hey! 126 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:13,051 Me and the road dawgs 127 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:15,887 Going splitsies on a time share in flint, michigan! 128 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:17,889 And... 129 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:20,092 Non-refundably booked! 130 00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:22,594 Come on! I'm gonna buy you all some mopeds! 131 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,895 Road dawgs! 132 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,964 Narrator: And "marcel marceau drunk..." 133 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,968 But we knew the night was over whenever barney got... 134 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,069 "jabba drunk." 135 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,272 So drunk that his speech 136 00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,073 Bore an uncanny resemblance to that of... 137 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:38,210 Jabba the hutt from return of the jedi. 138 00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:39,411 Bo shuda! 139 00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,445 Ha ha ha! 140 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,414 Okay, we have to go to bed. 141 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:43,415 Big day tomorrow. 142 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,616 Big day tomorrow! Noon-eeg han solo! 143 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:45,617 Marshall: Screw tomorrow! 144 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,486 Let's go big tonight! 145 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:49,454 We go big tonight! Ah wotto potto tapa ho! 146 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:51,690 No, marshall, let's go now. 147 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:53,625 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 148 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,160 Look, I-I guess we have to do this. 149 00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:58,430 Okay, first off, I know how important Italy was to you... 150 00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,332 Shut up and do me! 151 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,670 Okay, we have to go to bed. 152 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:05,737 Yeah. 153 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,907 Yeah. I need to get 154 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,909 My ear hair trimmed in the morning. 155 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,978 It's like a rain forest in there. 156 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,480 Uh, why would you volunteer that information? 157 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,982 Because it's the truth. 158 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:20,485 Also, I peed a little on my tie at the urinal. 159 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,654 Uh, barney... 160 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,356 Who's taller: Me or you? 161 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,658 You're taller. I wear lifts in all my shoes. 162 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,959 Oh, my god, robin... 163 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,262 Barney has reached a whole new level. 164 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:32,464 He's "truth serum drunk." 165 00:05:32,466 --> 00:05:33,965 He can't lie. 166 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,934 So we can finally get the answers 167 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,602 We've always been wondering about. 168 00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:39,004 Look, I know you said you had to go to bed, 169 00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,005 But I really think... 170 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:41,373 Screw tomorrow! 171 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,507 We go big tonight. 172 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,142 Yeah. 173 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,511 Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. 174 00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,480 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 175 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,481 We're not unpaused? 176 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,649 Not yet. 177 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,050 Mama needs some papa. 178 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:53,318 But as soon as we're done having sex, 179 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,319 We are having that fight! 180 00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:56,021 Wait, so we're... 181 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,357 Not gonna fight 182 00:05:58,359 --> 00:06:01,360 Until after we're done having sex. 183 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,428 Challenge accepted. 184 00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,001 Um, so... Just, just to be clear, 185 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:11,670 After we finish having sex, 186 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,205 That's when we'll have our fight? 187 00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:14,206 That's right. 188 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,274 Excuse me. 189 00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:24,750 Okay, marshall. 190 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:25,984 It's go time. 191 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,919 You've had great nights of sex before, 192 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,755 Most of them with lily, 193 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:31,323 A few by yourself-- 194 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:33,091 And we'll always have that 195 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:35,560 Unscrambled spice channel glitch of '93-- 196 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,096 But this has got to be the performance of a lifetime. 197 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,165 Jimi hendrix at monterey. 198 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:42,234 James brown at the apollo. 199 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,236 Your law school funk band pretty much anywhere. 200 00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,171 So get out there 201 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:49,408 And bang your wife for as long as you possibly can! 202 00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:54,846 Not a good sign that I'm already out of breath. 203 00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,252 So... Barney will answer 204 00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:03,355 Any question we ask him with the truth? 205 00:07:03,357 --> 00:07:04,689 I think so. 206 00:07:04,691 --> 00:07:06,892 Honey... 207 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:10,362 When that bryan adams song came on the radio, 208 00:07:10,364 --> 00:07:12,431 Did two mosquitoes really fly into your eyes 209 00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:13,432 At the same time? 210 00:07:13,434 --> 00:07:15,033 No. 211 00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,135 I got all choked up thinking about how 212 00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:20,238 Everything he does, he does it for her. 213 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,773 Checks out. 214 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,908 Okay, what next? 215 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:24,075 I mean, it's... 216 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,477 It's so hard to know where to begin. 217 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,478 I mean, there are so many... 218 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,946 What did you do to my mom?! 219 00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:30,615 Barney: Well, that night, 220 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,417 We were in my car... 221 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:33,919 I was wrong! I can't handle this! 222 00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,921 Uh, just tell me in baseball terms. 223 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:38,089 I got thrown out trying to stretch 224 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,257 A single into a double. 225 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,325 (gasps) 226 00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:44,029 I can live with that. 227 00:07:45,431 --> 00:07:47,466 How about that time you walked into the bar 228 00:07:47,468 --> 00:07:49,234 Wearing "triple-x-ray goggles"? 229 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,939 Well, hello, you two lovely ladies. 230 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,140 What are you wearing? 231 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,341 Oh, hey, robin, didn't see you there. 232 00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:59,344 Just triple-x-ray goggles, no big deal. Oh... 233 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,646 There is no way those things work. 234 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,315 I'm not even here. 235 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:05,217 Just act natural. 236 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,754 Right. 237 00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:12,190 'cause that jacket's made of lead. 238 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,593 Those things didn't work, did they? 239 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,095 Absolutely. Lily's boobs always work for me. 240 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,763 Oh, the goggles? No. 241 00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:21,032 Next question. 242 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:24,269 You keep saying "ring bear" 243 00:08:24,271 --> 00:08:26,838 Instead of ring bear-er. 244 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:30,141 Will there or will there not 245 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,177 Be a bear at our wedding? 246 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,880 The truth is... 247 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,615 Aggle flaggle klabble. 248 00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,383 Wumby flappy snurp... 249 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,951 Oh, my god, he's dipped back down to jabba drunk! 250 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:40,952 Give him another drink! 251 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:43,021 Come on. 252 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,990 Oh, yeah, baby. 253 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,058 I could go all night. 254 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,361 I can't hold out much longer! 255 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,730 What are the least arousing things I can think of? 256 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:55,000 ♪ day-old roadkill 257 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,569 ♪ ah, yeah... 258 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,904 ♪ fingernail 259 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:03,808 ♪ fingernail clippings 260 00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:06,311 ♪ that is some dull stuff 261 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:10,849 ♪ how your tmj night guard smells in the morning ♪ 262 00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,984 ♪ nasty 263 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,986 ♪ bugs... 264 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,589 ♪ mmm 265 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,991 ♪ more bugs 266 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,693 Marshall: It's working! It's working! 267 00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:24,529 Uh-oh, it's working too well. 268 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,832 Think sexy thoughts. Think sexy thoughts! 269 00:09:27,834 --> 00:09:31,236 ♪ bugs with boobs... 270 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,671 Lily: Marshall, are you all right? 271 00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:33,872 You don't seem to be, um... 272 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:36,942 Please, uh, excuse medium-sized fudge. 273 00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:40,879 6 and 3/64 inches. 274 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:41,947 Yeah, he's back to telling the truth. 275 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,381 Okay, barney, 276 00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:45,050 How are you always able to do that magic trick 277 00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,885 Where you make doves appear? 278 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,955 Special dehydrated birds I get in chinatown. 279 00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:54,426 I knew it! 280 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,695 (sighs) okay. Okay. 281 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,130 Will there or will there not 282 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,399 Be a bear at our wedding? 283 00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,101 The truth is... 284 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,236 Barney... Oh, come on! 285 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,738 I know that you always say 286 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,039 That you don't need any kind of 287 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:10,609 "help" in bed, but if you, um... 288 00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,110 I always keep these on hand. 289 00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,578 But be careful. 290 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:16,114 When you go off, there's a kickback like a cannon. 291 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,816 Thank you. 292 00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:22,053 How much a year do you spend on suits? 293 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:24,756 Narrator: Kids, I won't bother you with the number... 294 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,791 But it was a crapload. 295 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,627 Around one crapload. 296 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,061 That much? 297 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,496 Well... Aren't you concerned about your future? 298 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,764 Nope. 299 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,666 Especially since robin is massively wealthy. 300 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,134 Barney! What? 301 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,102 You're rich? 302 00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:38,269 L-like how rich? 303 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,571 It's my family's money, not mine. 304 00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:40,739 I-I don't really know how much. 305 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,140 How much is her family worth? 306 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,642 6,000 craploads. 307 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,110 Canadian craploads. 308 00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:46,277 That much?! 309 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:47,278 But when we dated, 310 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,613 I paid for everything. 311 00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:50,181 You didn't pay for everything. 312 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,282 He paid for everything. 313 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,118 I pick up our bar tab all the time. 314 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,953 Three times in the last nine years. 315 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:57,022 I took you out to tons of four-star restaurants. 316 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,824 Figuring, on average, two meals out a week 317 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,326 Plus 20% tip... 318 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,694 12 and a half percent tip. 319 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:05,096 Do you know how much money you cost me? 320 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,164 What am I? A prostitute? 321 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,799 You are not a prostitute. 322 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,868 No, a prostitute would've been cheaper. 323 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,970 Depends on the prostitute. 324 00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:14,105 Wait, hold on, ted. What are we doing? 325 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,373 You're arguing about robin's wealth 326 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,876 When you really should be asking me embarrassing questions. 327 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,344 He's right. 328 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:20,378 Let's do this. 329 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,980 Narrator: And so we did it. 330 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,381 We asked barney all the questions 331 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,449 We'd always wanted to. 332 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,052 In one night? Four. 333 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:29,888 In one family? Three. 334 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:33,224 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 335 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:36,861 Yes, but not while she was secretary of state. 336 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,029 Just once. 337 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,132 With a french male model henri. 338 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,534 It was late. 339 00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:44,402 We were the last two people in the club. 340 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,738 I was lonely and I figured, why not try it? 341 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:51,009 That was the only time I ever split a cab. 342 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,812 Yes, but not the m.I.T. You're thinking of. 343 00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:56,648 The magician's institute of teaneck. 344 00:11:56,650 --> 00:12:00,385 I've had sex in ted's bed 14 times. 345 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:04,089 I asked if you wear shoulder pads. 346 00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,391 I think I've just got one question left. 347 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,992 And it's a biggie. 348 00:12:08,994 --> 00:12:11,029 Barney stinson... 349 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:12,864 ...What do you do for a living? 350 00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:17,268 You did it. 351 00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:20,004 You banged your wife to sleep. 352 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:22,073 Nice job... 353 00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:26,478 Still-big fudge. 354 00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:31,349 Ted: I wuv you, mommy. 355 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,417 Unpause. 356 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:40,358 Narrator: Kids, in all the time we knew barney, 357 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:43,361 There was one question he would always answer the same way. 358 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,929 Seriously, what is it that you do? 359 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,397 (chuckles) please. 360 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:47,398 Okay, seriously. 361 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,967 What do you do for a living? 362 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,869 (chuckles) please. 363 00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:53,071 Are you finally gonna tell me exactly what your job is? 364 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,773 (chuckles) please. 365 00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,475 So, naturally, this was a pretty big moment for us. 366 00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:01,279 Well, what do you do for a living? 367 00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,818 Please. 368 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,919 (groans) god, he's not telling us. 369 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:08,920 More booze. 370 00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,556 Not so fast, princess. 371 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,291 I guess subtle clues and the bar tab 372 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,226 Are two things you just don't pick up. 373 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,427 Because... 374 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,997 I think he is telling us. 375 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,199 Tell us more about this job. 376 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:23,334 Barney: Well, as you know, 377 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,003 Back in my hippie days, 378 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,938 A business man came into my coffee shop, 379 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,840 Told me money was all that mattered, 380 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,275 And stole my girlfriend. 381 00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,978 That's when I decided to become awesome. 382 00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:37,315 But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. 383 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,950 So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, 384 00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,618 I went to the one person from whom 385 00:13:40,620 --> 00:13:42,954 I knew I could learn everything. 386 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,455 Do we know each other, bro? 387 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:48,092 We're all connected in gaia's great tapestry of... 388 00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:50,094 (clears throat) no. 389 00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:51,529 We don't. 390 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,164 Bro. 391 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,134 Wow, you went to m.I.T. 392 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,101 Pretty impressive. 393 00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,938 I did get a perfect score on the a.C.T.'s. 394 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:03,007 Advanced card tricks. 395 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,209 Well, look, buddy. 396 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,844 You got a sweet résumé. 397 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:08,012 But we don't have any openings you're qualified for. 398 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,415 They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap! 399 00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:15,119 We have one opening you'd be perfect for. 400 00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:17,155 Great. What do I do? 401 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:19,357 Please. 402 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,826 "provide legal exculpation and sign everything." 403 00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,161 Just show up every day, 404 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:24,796 Scribble your name on a bunch of documents, 405 00:14:24,798 --> 00:14:26,598 And we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. 406 00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:29,133 Deets are in the contract. 407 00:14:29,135 --> 00:14:29,968 I'll give you time to think about it. 408 00:14:32,004 --> 00:14:33,338 I'll take it. 409 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:34,505 Hold on. 410 00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:35,974 Did you even read this before signing it? 411 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:36,975 No. 412 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,209 (laughs) you're hired. 413 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:41,913 We'll work on that. 414 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,147 Ted: Wait. 415 00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,382 That's your job? 416 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,651 You sign sketchy, legally binding documents 417 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,753 That could implicate you for god knows what? 418 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,788 Best job ever, right? 419 00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:54,025 No more pausing. 420 00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:55,927 We're getting through this argument. 421 00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,829 Okay. 422 00:14:57,831 --> 00:14:59,764 No potshots at my mom. 423 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:01,566 Fine, no distracting me with your calves. 424 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,635 Fine. 425 00:15:07,339 --> 00:15:09,841 Look, I love you, lilypad. 426 00:15:09,843 --> 00:15:11,442 I love you, marshmallow. 427 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:13,344 (deep breath) now... 428 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,013 (exhales) 429 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:18,283 ...How could you take that job without telling me?! 430 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:20,718 Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed an answer right away. 431 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,920 This is a huge opportunity, 432 00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:23,554 It could be very good for our family, 433 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,523 And we have to at least talk about it. 434 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,092 Sorry, you lost your chance to talk about it 435 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,028 When you didn't talk about it. 436 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:32,563 We're going to Italy. 437 00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:33,965 But I could be a judge. 438 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:37,101 We can't give that up for what is clearly just a hobby. 439 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,303 Pause. 440 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,637 No pause. 441 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:41,572 That "hobby" is my dream. 442 00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,141 We're going to Italy. 443 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,309 But it's my dream to... 444 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,643 We are going to Italy! 445 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,111 Baby, can you just...? 446 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,613 We are going to Italy! 447 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,881 Don't you get it? 448 00:15:49,883 --> 00:15:52,083 You went behind my back. 449 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,785 You hurt me. 450 00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:57,755 You were more selfish than I have ever been to you. 451 00:15:57,757 --> 00:16:02,460 You broke up with me and moved to san francisco. 452 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,596 Barney! You're being stupid. 453 00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:07,966 The-the-the company is setting you up as their fall guy 454 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,635 For all of their illegal activities. 455 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,404 No, you guys are being stupid. 456 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,073 Especially ted. 457 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,774 What? I didn't say anything. 458 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:20,511 Narrator: And then, kids, barney revealed to us his master plan. 459 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,981 It all went down a few months after the wedding. 460 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,816 Hey, greg? 461 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,117 I know you're busy, 462 00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,152 But fyi, I've been colluding with the feds. 463 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,587 They know everything. 464 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:30,989 And they're on their way up right now 465 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:32,690 To shut down this division and arrest you. 466 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,125 Door closed or...? 467 00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,293 What? 468 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,828 Why would you do that? 469 00:16:36,830 --> 00:16:39,297 Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons... 470 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:40,832 Could have applied, 471 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:44,535 But this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. 472 00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:46,170 See? That day, I vowed 473 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,706 I would do everything in my power to track you down, 474 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,375 Gain your trust, 475 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,011 And then destroy you. 476 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,345 Who are you? 477 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:55,446 Who am I? 478 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:57,015 Just a guy who served you 479 00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,683 Coffee once. 480 00:16:58,685 --> 00:16:59,951 Peace out, loser. 481 00:16:59,953 --> 00:17:02,053 ♪ barney stinson, barney stinson ♪ 482 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,721 You son of a bitch! ♪ that guy's awesome 483 00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,190 I will destroy you! Get your hands off of me. ♪ awesome 484 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:09,394 ♪ oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 485 00:17:09,396 --> 00:17:11,696 ♪ awesome. 486 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,064 Why are you 487 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,799 Bringing up san francisco? 488 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,834 That was seven years ago. 489 00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,703 Because you are being 490 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,005 Selfish all over again. 491 00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:23,074 Marshall, I apologized 492 00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,543 Over and over again. 493 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,179 Now you're saying you never have forgiven me? 494 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,414 There is 495 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:32,250 Nothing more important to me than our family. 496 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:33,584 You know that. 497 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:34,986 Well, let me ask. 498 00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:37,121 What if you had found success in san francisco? 499 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,557 How do I know that you even 500 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,825 Would've come back to me? 501 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,527 Stop it. 502 00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:43,995 Are marvin and I 503 00:17:43,997 --> 00:17:46,697 And any other future children we may have 504 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:49,200 Just some consolation prize? 505 00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,235 I have to get out of here. 506 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,739 Babe? 507 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,075 (door slams) 508 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,076 So, barney, 509 00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,710 I still haven't heard you pronounce 510 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,079 That last syllable. 511 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:05,283 At our wedding, will there be 512 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,919 A ring bear-er? 513 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,253 (deep breath) 514 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,022 The truth is... 515 00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:15,093 ...Yes, there will be a ring bear-er. 516 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:17,095 His name is trevor hudson, 517 00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:19,097 I worked with his mother, and he's adorable. 518 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,966 I want our wedding to be perfect, robin. 519 00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,634 Me, too. 520 00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:25,803 Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs. 521 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,038 He's okay to crash with you, right? 522 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,107 Yup, we'll see you in the morning. 523 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:30,741 Hmm. 524 00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:31,909 I love you. 525 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,511 I love you, too. 526 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:40,318 Okay, I got one last question for you. 527 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,553 And I can't believe I haven't asked it yet. 528 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,123 Dude, you're getting married tomorrow. 529 00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,159 How are you doing? Good. 530 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,962 I mean, I'm a little nervous, 531 00:18:50,964 --> 00:18:54,632 But I love robin more than I've ever loved anyone, 532 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,135 And I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy. 533 00:18:57,137 --> 00:18:58,803 For a long time, 534 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,005 Deep down, 535 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:03,074 I've felt sort of... 536 00:19:03,076 --> 00:19:04,475 Broken? 537 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,010 But... 538 00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,412 I don't feel that way anymore. 539 00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,815 Robin, along with the idea 540 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,451 That vengeance will soon be mine, 541 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:17,155 Has made me 100% awesome. 542 00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:18,589 I'm proud of you, buddy. 543 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,526 Globan froban. 544 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:22,593 Ho, ho, ho. 545 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,594 Okay. 546 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,929 Come on, jabba. 547 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:25,930 Big day tomorrow. 548 00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,099 (grunts) tab for the night? 549 00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:29,534 Just so you know, 550 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:32,937 Those last few rounds of 35-year glen mckenna were not cheap. 551 00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:34,005 Whoa. 552 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:35,106 Um... 553 00:19:35,108 --> 00:19:36,440 You know what? 554 00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:37,875 Charge them to the bride's room. 555 00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,110 Thank you. 556 00:19:39,112 --> 00:19:40,111 Come on. (muttering) 557 00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:42,146 Let's go. We got you. 558 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,882 Narrator: Kids, it's your grandmother's favorite rule. 559 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,118 Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.M. 560 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,188 Hi. I-I know it's late, but I've got to get out of here. 561 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:53,157 Marshall and I just had a huge fight. 562 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,493 You will? 563 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:58,029 Oh, my god, thank you. 564 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,976 Okay, here we go. 565 00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:14,178 You good, yeah? Yeah. 566 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:16,681 Okay. 567 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:17,682 Okay. 568 00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:18,816 Everything is fine. 569 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:19,884 Okay? Just don't freak out. 570 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:20,885 I'm not freaking out. 571 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:21,986 I was talking to myself. 572 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:23,487 Do you have the baby? 573 00:20:23,489 --> 00:20:24,889 The elevator! What?! 574 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,390 Marshall and lily are right. It never gets old. 575 00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:28,059 Unless you're crowning. 576 00:20:28,061 --> 00:20:29,860 So proud of you. Thank you. 577 00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,362 Penny is proud of you. 578 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,064 Let's go get you a brother. 579 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,832 Okay? Hmm? 580 00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:35,833 You want a brother? All right? 581 00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:38,102 I love you. I love you, too. 582 00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,070 You're gonna be great. 583 00:20:39,072 --> 00:20:40,404 Yeah, okay. 584 00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,940 Narrator: 2:00 a.M., it's a good rule, 585 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,443 But every rule has an exception. 586 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,912 And for us, that exception was you, luke. 587 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,047 We're having a baby! 588 00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:52,149 (yells) 589 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,291 Come on, trevor hudson. 590 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,360 It's feeding time. 591 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,932 Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.Wgbh.Org