1 00:00:00,006 --> 00:00:05,006 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,040 [ominous music] 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,960 [high-pitched static] 4 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,000 [woman narrating] Current theories on the creation of the universe state 5 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,280 that if it were created at all and didn't just start, 6 00:00:18,360 --> 00:00:19,880 as it were, unofficially, 7 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,440 it came into being about 14 billion years ago. 8 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,040 The Earth is generally supposed to be 9 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:27,560 about 4 1/2 billion years old. 10 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,840 These dates are incorrect. 11 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:34,000 Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. 12 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,600 [beeping] 13 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,360 Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. 14 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,520 Also, incorrect. 15 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,080 Archbishop James Ussher 16 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:44,960 claimed that the Heaven and the Earth 17 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,720 were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC, 18 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,920 -at 9:00 a.m. -[bell dings] 19 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,600 This too was incorrect, 20 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,440 by almost a quarter of an hour. 21 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,280 It was created at 9:13 in the morning. 22 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,440 Which was correct. 23 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,840 The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons 24 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,160 was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet. 25 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,040 This proves two things. 26 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:13,120 Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. 27 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,920 I play an ineffable game of my own devising. 28 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,200 For everyone else, it's like playing poker 29 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:20,360 in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, 30 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,520 with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, 31 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,120 and who smiles all the time. 32 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:28,040 Secondly, the Earth is a Libra. 33 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,120 The entry for Libra in The Tadfield Advertiser 34 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,440 on the night our history begins reads as follows: 35 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,760 "You may be feeling rundown 36 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,720 and always in the same daily round. 37 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,680 A friend is important to you. 38 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,440 You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, 39 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,840 so avoid salads. 40 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,240 Help could come from an unexpected quarter." 41 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,560 This was perfectly correct on every count, 42 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,640 except for the bit about the salads. 43 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,600 To understand the true significance 44 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:00,960 of what that means, 45 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,760 we need to begin earlier. 46 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,160 A little more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise. 47 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,320 Just after the beginning. 48 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:12,440 It starts, as it will end, with a garden. 49 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:15,760 In this case, the Garden of Eden. 50 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,880 And with an apple. 51 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,120 [rumbling] 52 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,320 [hissing] Go on. 53 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,400 [whispering] This apple will give you... 54 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:38,560 [indistinct, ominous whispering] 55 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,440 [God] It was a nice day. 56 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,320 All the days had been nice. 57 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,800 There had been rather more than seven of them so far, 58 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,680 and rain hadn't been invented yet. 59 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:17,680 But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden 60 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,280 suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. 61 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,080 And it was going to be a big one. 62 00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:32,240 Well, that went down like a lead balloon. 63 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,880 [chuckles] 64 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,040 Sorry, what was that? 65 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,280 I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon." 66 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:43,400 Yes, yes, it did, rather. 67 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,120 Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. 68 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,680 First offence and everything. 69 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,480 I can't see what's so bad 70 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,160 about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway. 71 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,720 Well, it must be bad... 72 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,760 -Crawley. -...Crawley. 73 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,320 Otherwise... 74 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,680 you wouldn't have tempted them into it. 75 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,040 Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble." 76 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,760 Well, obviously. You're a demon. 77 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,360 It's what you do. 78 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,320 Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. 79 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,720 Fruit tree in the middle of a garden 80 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,480 with a "Don't Touch" sign. 81 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,800 I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? 82 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,640 Or on the moon? 83 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,200 Makes you wonder what God's really planning. 84 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:27,680 Best not to speculate. 85 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,920 It's all part of the Great Plan. 86 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,360 It's not for us to understand. 87 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,800 It's ineffable. 88 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,920 The Great Plan's ineffable? 89 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,240 Exactly. 90 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,240 It is beyond understanding 91 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,360 and incapable of being put into words. 92 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,440 Didn't you have a flaming sword? 93 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,680 -Uh... -You did. It was flaming like anything. 94 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,080 What happened to it? 95 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,800 Uh... 96 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,040 Lost it already, have you? 97 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,880 -Gave it away. -You what? 98 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,640 I gave it away. 99 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:00,560 There are vicious animals. 100 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,560 It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already. 101 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,920 And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. 102 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,680 And don't let the sun go down on you here." 103 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,560 I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing. 104 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,200 Oh, you're an angel. 105 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,480 I don't think you can do the wrong thing. 106 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,360 Oh, oh, thank-- 107 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,000 Oh, thank you. 108 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,520 -It's been bothering me. -[lion roars] 109 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,120 [Crowley] I've been worrying, too. 110 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,680 What if I did the right thing 111 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,520 with the whole "eat the apple" business? 112 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,640 A demon can get into a lot of trouble 113 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,320 for doing the right thing. 114 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,360 [roaring] 115 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,720 [meaty blow] 116 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,360 It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? 117 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,960 If I did the good thing and you did the bad one. 118 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,520 [both chuckle] 119 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,000 No. 120 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,000 It wouldn't be funny at all. 121 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,760 Well... 122 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,680 [rain pattering] 123 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,160 [God] Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events 124 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,760 occurring in the last 11 years of human history, 125 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,080 in strict accordance, as shall be shown, 126 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,560 with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies 127 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:04,200 of Agnes Nutter, Witch. 128 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,160 [theme music plays] 129 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,920 [God] It wasn't a dark and stormy night. 130 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,880 But, don't let the weather fool you. 131 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,720 Just because it's a mild night 132 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,160 doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad. 133 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,280 They are. 134 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,440 They are everywhere. 135 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,520 [rumbling] 136 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,280 Two demons lurk at the edge of the graveyard. 137 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,200 They are pacing themselves, 138 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,880 and can lurk for the rest of the night, if necessary. 139 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,120 With still enough sullen menace left 140 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,520 for a final burst of lurking around dawn. 141 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,120 Bugger this for a lark. 142 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:27,360 He should have been waiting for us. 143 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:28,600 Do you trust him? 144 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,760 -Nope. -Good. 145 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,080 It'd be a funny old world if demons went around 146 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,600 trusting each other. 147 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,520 What's he calling himself up here these days? 148 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:40,880 Crowley. 149 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,400 ["Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen plays on car radio] 150 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,720 ♪♪ Oh, mama mia Mama mia ♪♪ 151 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,200 ♪♪ Mama mia, let me go ♪♪ 152 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,200 ♪♪ Beelzebub... ♪♪ 153 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,360 Here he comes now, the flash bastard. 154 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:53,640 ♪♪ For me, for me ♪♪ 155 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,520 If you ask me, he's been up here too long. 156 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:59,200 Gone native. Enjoying himself too much. 157 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,000 Wearing sunglasses, even when he doesn't need them. 158 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,640 -All hail Satan. -[Ligur] All hail Satan. 159 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,840 Uh, hi, guys. Sorry I'm late, 160 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,760 but you know how it is on the A40 at Denham. 161 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:10,600 I tried to cut up towards Chorleywood-- 162 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,760 Now that we art all here, let us recount the deeds of the day. 163 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,320 Of course. 164 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,720 Deeds, yeah. 165 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,280 [Hastur] I have tempted a priest. 166 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:19,720 As he walked down the street, 167 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,440 he saw all the pretty girls in the sun. 168 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,280 I put doubt into his mind. 169 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:24,760 He would have been a saint. 170 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,360 Now, within a decade, we shall have him. 171 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,080 [chuckles] 172 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,520 Yeah, nice one. 173 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,720 [Ligur] I have corrupted a politician. 174 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:37,040 Let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt. 175 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,120 Within a year, we shall have him. 176 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,960 Right, you'll like this. 177 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:46,520 I brought down every London area mobile phone network tonight. 178 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,880 -Yeah? -Yeah. It wasn't easy-- 179 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,640 And what exactly has that done to secure souls for our master? 180 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,000 Oh, come on, think about it. 181 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,520 [laughs] Fifteen million pissed-off people 182 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,880 who take it out on each other. 183 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,600 It's not exactly... craftsmanship. 184 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,440 Well, head office don't seem to mind. 185 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,400 They love me down there, guys. 186 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,520 Times are changing. So... 187 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,200 [sniffs] ...what's up? 188 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,120 This is. 189 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:18,960 No. 190 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,960 Yes. 191 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,120 Already? 192 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,720 Yes. 193 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,280 And it's up to me to...? 194 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,440 [both] Yes. 195 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:36,600 You know, listen, it... 196 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:37,880 [stammers] 197 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,160 ...really isn't my scene. 198 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,400 Your scene. 199 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,440 Your starring role. 200 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:45,720 Take it. 201 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:47,600 [Hastur] Like you said, 202 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,400 times are changing. 203 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,640 They come to an end, for a start. 204 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,000 Why me? 205 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:54,960 Well, they love you down there. 206 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,600 And what an opportunity. 207 00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,320 Ligur here would give his right arm to be you tonight. 208 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,360 Or someone's right arm, anyway. 209 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:04,800 [Hastur] Sign here. 210 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,680 [sizzling] 211 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,400 Now what? 212 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,120 [Hastur] You will receive your instructions. 213 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,920 And why so glum? 214 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,560 The moment we have been working for all these centuries 215 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,800 is at hand. 216 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,240 Centuries? 217 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:27,200 Our moment of eternal triumph awaits. 218 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,800 Triumph. 219 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,480 And you will be a tool of that glorious destiny. 220 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,880 Glorious tool. Yeah. 221 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,080 OK. 222 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,800 I'll, um, be off then. 223 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,400 Get it over with. 224 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,000 No, I want to get it over with, obviously, but, 225 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,800 I'll be popping along. 226 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,800 Great. Fine. Yeah. 227 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:54,240 Ciao! 228 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:55,640 [Ligur] What's that mean? 229 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,560 "Ciao", it's Italian. 230 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,320 It means "food". 231 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:03,040 -[door closes] -[engine starts] 232 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:06,720 [God] Crowley was all in favour of Armageddon in general terms. 233 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,960 But it was one thing to work to bring it about, 234 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,920 and quite another for it to actually happen. 235 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,320 -Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit! Shit! -[DJ on radio] When Queen 236 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,560 released "Bohemian Rhapsody"... 237 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,000 Shit, shit, shit! Why me? 238 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,920 ...in 1975, it was because-- 239 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,640 [Satan's voice on radio] You earned it, Crowley, didn't you? 240 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:25,160 What you did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling. 241 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,240 The M25? Yeah, well... 242 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,200 Yeah, I'm glad it went down so well. 243 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:30,680 Here are your instructions. 244 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,960 This is the big one, Crowley. 245 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,960 ♪♪ I see a little silhouetto of a man ♪♪ 246 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,160 ♪♪ Scaramouche Scaramouche ♪♪ 247 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,360 -♪♪ Will you do the Fandango? ♪♪ -[truck horn honking] 248 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,040 ♪♪ Thunderbolts and lightning very, very frightening me ♪♪ 249 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,120 [tires screech] 250 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,640 -♪♪ Galileo ♪♪ -♪♪ Galileo ♪♪ 251 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:49,640 -[cries] - ♪♪ Figaro magnifico ♪♪ 252 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:53,080 [sushi chef speaking Japanese] 253 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,840 [in Japanese] 254 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,840 Mmm. 255 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,400 [feedback squeals] 256 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,280 -Mind if I join you? -Gabriel? 257 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,640 What an unexpected pleasure. 258 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:15,880 It's been... 259 00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,040 Quite a while, yes. 260 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,040 Why do you consume that? 261 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:23,720 You're an angel. 262 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,280 It's sushi. 263 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:26,560 It's nice. 264 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,800 You dip it in soy sauce. 265 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,440 It's what humans do. 266 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,840 And if I am going to be living here among them, 267 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,000 ahem, well, keeping up appearances. 268 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,120 -Tea? -I do not sully the temple 269 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:41,120 of my celestial body with gross matter. 270 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,920 Obviously not. 271 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,400 -Nice suit. -Yes, I like the clothes. 272 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,240 Pity they won't be around much longer. 273 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:49,680 They won't? 274 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,880 We have reliable information 275 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:55,560 that things... are afoot. 276 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,040 -They are? -Yes. 277 00:13:57,120 --> 00:14:00,120 My informant suggests that the demon...Crowley 278 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,200 may be involved. 279 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:04,080 You need to keep him under observation 280 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,640 without, of course, letting him know that's what you're doing. 281 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,080 I do know, yes. I've been on Earth doing this 282 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,120 -since the beginning. -So has Crowley. 283 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,120 It's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet. 284 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:15,400 Yes, I know. 285 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,840 [laughs] 286 00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,560 Miracles are what we do. 287 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,320 [God] Meet Deirdre and Arthur Young. 288 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,560 They live in the Oxfordshire village of Tadfield. 289 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,000 Are we there yet, Arthur? 290 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:34,200 I'm four minutes apart. 291 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:35,960 It's definitely this way. 292 00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,040 It's just the roads look all different in the dark. 293 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,560 The nuns said to come in 294 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,520 when they were four to five minutes apart. 295 00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,080 -It's just an... -[gasps] 296 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,480 Oh, do we have any egg and cress sandwiches? 297 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:46,640 Oh. 298 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,560 [wails] Oh! 299 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,280 [police siren wails] 300 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,200 [God] Meet Harriet Dowling 301 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,080 and her husband, American diplomat Thaddeus Dowling. 302 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,520 [Thaddeus] Breathe, honey. Just breathe. 303 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,400 I am breathing, goddamn it, Tad! 304 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,360 -Why aren't you here? -Honey, I'm with you. 305 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,360 I'm with you. I'm just also here with the President. 306 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,520 [President Bush] Hey, Harriet, sorry we had to borrow your husband. 307 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:15,960 [shrieks] 308 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,720 Birth is the single most joyous 309 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,680 co-experience that two human beings can share, 310 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,480 and I'm not going to miss a second of it. 311 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,520 [Bush] Tad, if we could get back to the matter at hand. 312 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:26,280 I'll get back to you, honey. 313 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,760 You're meant to be with me, you useless son of a bi-- 314 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,000 At some point this evening, 315 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,440 Mrs Dowling will arrive. 316 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,160 She will undoubtedly have Secret Service agents with her. 317 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:41,880 You are all to ensure that they see nothing untoward. 318 00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,960 Sister Theresa and I will deliver the Dowlings' child 319 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,920 in room four. 320 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,480 Once he has been born, 321 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:52,040 we will remove the baby boy from the mother... 322 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:56,880 and give her back our master's child. 323 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,520 Everything is ready. 324 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:04,520 Tonight, it begins. 325 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,800 Sister Mary Loquacious? 326 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,640 Yes, excuse me, Mother Superior, 327 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,560 I was wondering where the other baby was going to come from? 328 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,680 Not the American baby. I mean, that's obvious. 329 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,080 It's just the birds and the bees. 330 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,040 But, you know, the, um... 331 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,200 Master Crowley is on his way 332 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,440 with our dark lord-to-be, Sister Mary. 333 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,680 We do not need to know more than that. 334 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,640 We are Satanic nuns 335 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,000 of the Chattering Order of St Beryl. 336 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:37,720 And tonight is what our order was created for. 337 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,320 -[indistinct murmuring] -Sister Grace, 338 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,320 you are on duty reception. 339 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,320 Sisters Maria Verbose and Katherine Prolix, 340 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:48,400 you will assist Sister Theresa. 341 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,600 The rest of you know your duties. 342 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,840 -[siren wails distantly] -Oh, it's an ambulance! 343 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,440 Places. 344 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,560 Excuse me, Mother Superior. 345 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,280 I didn't get a job. Probably an oversight. 346 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,160 Yes, of course. 347 00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,960 You could make sure there are biscuits. 348 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,600 The kind with pink icing. 349 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:11,000 I think we had a tin in the convent larder. 350 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,400 -[Harriet moaning, gasping] -[man] Clear. 351 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:33,040 [moaning and screaming] 352 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,640 -Breathe, dear, breathe. -I am breathing. Oh, God! 353 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,280 Excuse me. Deirdre Young. 354 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,960 Contractions are now four-- four minutes apart! 355 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,440 Oh! 356 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,160 Welcome to St Beryl's, Mrs Young. 357 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,760 We weren't expecting you till next week. 358 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:53,480 Now, Arthur will be with me while I'm in labour. 359 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,560 I'm afraid not. 360 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,480 We believe that fathers just, uh, 361 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,480 complicate the process for everybody. 362 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,320 We'll let him know when to come up. 363 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,080 Well, I'm not going to argue with nuns. 364 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:07,760 Nurses know what they're doing, Deirdre. 365 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:09,520 I'll see you when it's-- 366 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,960 She'll be in room three. 367 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,160 -Right. -[shrieking] 368 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:17,280 Good-- Good luck. 369 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,560 [God] It may help to understand human affairs 370 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,800 to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history 371 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,040 are caused not by people being fundamentally good 372 00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,680 or fundamentally bad, 373 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,280 but by people being fundamentally people. 374 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,800 You've left your lights on. 375 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:33,520 -[snaps fingers] -Oh. 376 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,880 Well, that's clever. 377 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,800 -It is infrared? -Has it started yet? 378 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:41,040 -Um... they made me go out. -Any idea how long we've got? 379 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,400 I think we were getting on with it, doctor. 380 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:45,960 Got it. What room is she in? 381 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,640 -We're in room three. -Room three, got it. 382 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,160 [God] There's a trick they do with three playing cards 383 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,800 which is very hard to follow. 384 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,720 And something like it, for greater stakes 385 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,320 than a handful of loose change, is about to take place. 386 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,200 Deirdre Young is in delivery room three. 387 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:07,560 She has just given birth to a golden-haired male baby 388 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,400 we will call "Baby A". 389 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:16,280 Harriet Dowling is giving birth in delivery room four. 390 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,240 She is having a golden-haired male baby 391 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,400 we will call "Baby B". 392 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,560 Psst. 393 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,800 Sister Mary Loquacious is about to be handed 394 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,560 a golden-haired male baby we will call "The Adversary, 395 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,400 Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, 396 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:41,000 Prince of This World and Lord of Darkness." 397 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,320 [Mary laughs] 398 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:49,880 -Is that him? -Yup. 399 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,800 Only I'd expected funny eyes, 400 00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,040 or teensy-weensy little hoofikins. 401 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,280 Or a wittle tail. 402 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,640 It's definitely him. 403 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,520 Fancy me holding the Antichrist. 404 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,760 Counting his little toesie-woesies. 405 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:04,880 Do you look like your daddy? 406 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,200 -[coos] -I bet he does. 407 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,920 Do you look like your daddy-waddykins? 408 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,800 He doesn't. Take him up to room three. 409 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,880 Room three. Do you think he'll remember me when he grows up? 410 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,880 Pray that he doesn't. 411 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,560 [sneezes] 412 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,920 [God] Three babies. 413 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,720 Watch carefully. 414 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,080 Round and round they go. 415 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,760 Sister Mary, what are you doing here? 416 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,560 Shouldn't you be taking biscuits to the refectory? 417 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,480 Master Crowley said to take the baby to room three. 418 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,800 [coos] 419 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,560 [gasps] 420 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,240 Well, get on with it, then. 421 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,080 [crying] 422 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,520 -[knock on door] -[door opens] 423 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,240 Has it happened yet? 424 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,040 I'm the father. The husband. Both. 425 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,320 Oh, yes. Congratulations. 426 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,280 Your lady wife's asleep, poor pet. 427 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,800 [Adversary wailing] 428 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,080 [Arthur] Twins? What? 429 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,240 Nobody said anything about twins. 430 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,160 Oh, no, no. This one's yours. 431 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,000 That one's... someone else's. 432 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,800 Just looking after him. 433 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:35,400 No, no, this one is definitely yours, your ambassadorship, 434 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,800 from the top of his head to the tips of his hoofy-woofies... 435 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,200 -which he hasn't got. -Oh. 436 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,080 All, uh, ahem, present and correct, is he? 437 00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:47,240 Oh, yes. He's normal. Very, very normal. 438 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,800 [Tad] A boy! 439 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,640 -[baby crying] -Mr President. 440 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,840 I have the honour, sir, to report myself the father 441 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,680 of a regular Y-chromosomed son. 442 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:02,000 Now, we just have to take him away for a minute to weigh him 443 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,640 and the usual. 444 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:04,800 [giggles] 445 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,400 This father-of-a-male-boy-son 446 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,280 is all yours, Mr President. 447 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,760 [whispers] Harriet. Yes! 448 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:22,440 Where's the baby? 449 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,120 Satan, give me strength. 450 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,960 Do you know where our master's child is? 451 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,920 Sister Mary Loquacious has him in room three. 452 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,640 Now, we call these biscuits. 453 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,240 But you'll be looking at them and going, "Oh, cookies." 454 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:43,120 I call them biscuits. 455 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,840 [God] As methods of human communication go, 456 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,800 the human wink is quite versatile. 457 00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:51,120 For example, Sister Theresa's meant... 458 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,720 Where the hell have you been? 459 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:54,480 We're ready to make the switch, 460 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,120 and here's you in the wrong room with the Adversary, 461 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,480 Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, 462 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:00,720 Prince of This World, Lord of Darkness, drinking tea. 463 00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,320 [God] And as far as she was concerned, 464 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,160 Sister Mary's answering wink meant... 465 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,800 This child is the Adversary, 466 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,800 Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, 467 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,040 Prince of This World and Lord of Darkness. 468 00:23:12,120 --> 00:23:14,520 But I can't talk now, because there's this outsider here. 469 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,520 [God] Sister Mary, on the other hand, 470 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,040 had thought that Sister Theresa's wink 471 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,520 was more on the lines of... 472 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,200 Well done, that, Sister Mary. 473 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,080 Switched over the babies all by herself. 474 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,560 Now, indicate to me the superfluous child, 475 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,880 and I shall remove it and let you get on with your tea 476 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,520 with His Royal Excellency, the American ambassador. 477 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,800 Extra baby removal. 478 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,320 [Mary] But I'm wittering on. 479 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,200 Where were you before you took up this appointment? 480 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:45,520 Swindon. 481 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,200 Ohh! 482 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:55,600 Here's your little man back, all cleaned up and weighed. 483 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,640 Look, honey. Our son. 484 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,000 [Tad] He's beautiful, hon. 485 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:02,880 What a little tyke, huh? 486 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,040 [laughs] Oh... 487 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,880 Seeing him makes me understand 488 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,920 what's important in life. 489 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,560 It's not work. 490 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:13,560 I'm going to teach him to play baseball. 491 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,400 And on Sundays, we'll go fishing. 492 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,600 [President] Tad! 493 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,720 Sorry, honey, we'll call you back. 494 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:22,680 You must name the child. 495 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,000 Well, we were going to name him Thaddeus, 496 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:29,000 after his dad and his dad's dad. 497 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,640 Damien's an excellent name. 498 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,040 [Harriet] Damien Dowling? 499 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,880 Too alliterative. 500 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:36,800 Warlock, then. 501 00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,680 It's an old English name. 502 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,480 A good name. 503 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,280 [baby cries] 504 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,000 Hello, Warlock. 505 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:48,840 [Harriet gasps] 506 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:53,000 Damien? 507 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,720 No. I'd always fancied something more, 508 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,680 well, traditional. 509 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,680 We've always gone in for good, simple names 510 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:02,600 in our family. 511 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:03,880 Cain. 512 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,840 Very modern sound, Cain, really. 513 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,320 Well, there's always... 514 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,800 I mean, there's always Adam. 515 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:15,840 Adam? 516 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:18,760 Hmm. 517 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:20,800 Adam. 518 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,480 [baby fussing] 519 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:23,960 Oh! 520 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:25,680 Ooh. 521 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,640 Come on, little one. 522 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:32,160 [Arthur] Do you know, Deirdre, um... 523 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:35,560 I think he looks like an Adam. 524 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:37,120 Oh. 525 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,080 Hello, Adam. 526 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:41,760 [God] It would be nice to think that the nuns 527 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,400 had the surplus baby discreetly adopted. 528 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,760 That he grew to be a happy, normal child, 529 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,400 and then grew further to become a normal, 530 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,360 fairly contented adult. 531 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,560 And, perhaps, that is what happened. 532 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:57,080 He probably wins prizes for his tropical fish. 533 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,040 [slow rock playing on radio] 534 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,480 Call Aziraphale. 535 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,280 [female voice] Calling Aziraphale. 536 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:06,840 [disconnected beep] 537 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:08,320 [recording] Sorry, all lines to London 538 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:09,680 -are currently busy. -[groans] 539 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,760 [indistinct chattering] 540 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,080 [classical music plays] 541 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,480 [hums along] 542 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,440 [phone rings] 543 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,000 I'm afraid we're quite definitely closed. 544 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,080 [Crowley] Aziraphale, it's me. 545 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,080 -We need to talk. -[Aziraphale] Yes. 546 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,480 Yes, I rather think we do. 547 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,120 I assume this is about-- 548 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:38,840 Armageddon. Yes. 549 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:43,760 [God] Everyone knows the best place 550 00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,920 for a clandestine meeting in London 551 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,440 is, and always has been, St James's Park. 552 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,400 They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents 553 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,160 that they've developed Pavlovian reactions to them. 554 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,520 The Russian cultural attaché's black bread 555 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,840 is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck. 556 00:27:02,920 --> 00:27:04,440 Crowley and Aziraphale have been meeting here 557 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:06,520 for quite some time. 558 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,680 You're sure it was the Antichrist? 559 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:11,080 I should know. I delivered the baby. 560 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,400 Well, not "delivered" delivered, you know? 561 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,040 Handed it over. 562 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,240 An American diplomat. 563 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:19,720 Really? 564 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,040 As if Armageddon were a cinematographic show 565 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,840 you wished to sell in as many countries as possible. 566 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,320 The Earth and all the kingdoms thereof. 567 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,440 -We will win, of course. -[bell tolls] 568 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:31,680 You really believe that? 569 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,160 Obviously. 570 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,960 Heaven will finally triumph over Hell. 571 00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,680 It's all going to be rather lovely. 572 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:40,520 Out of interest, 573 00:27:40,600 --> 00:27:43,440 how many first-class composers do your lot have in Heaven? 574 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:44,880 Because Mozart's one of ours. 575 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:46,880 Beethoven. 576 00:27:46,960 --> 00:27:48,200 Schubert. 577 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,640 Uh, all of the Bachs. 578 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,760 They have already written their music. 579 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,120 And you'll never hear it again. 580 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,760 No more Albert Hall. No more Glyndebourne. 581 00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,040 Just celestial harmonies. 582 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,520 -Well... -And that's just the start 583 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,280 of what you'll lose if you win. 584 00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:07,440 No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you. 585 00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,080 No gravlax in dill sauce. 586 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:13,680 No more old bookshops. 587 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,760 We've only got 11 years, and then it's all over. 588 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,560 We have to work together. 589 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,560 No. 590 00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:25,440 It's the end of the world we're talking about. 591 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,320 It's not some little temptation I've asked you to cover for me 592 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,640 while you're up in Edinburgh for the festival. 593 00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:31,000 -You can't say no. -No. 594 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,840 We can do something. I have an idea. 595 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,480 No! I am not interested. 596 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,520 Well, let's have lunch, hmm? 597 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:40,880 I still owe you one from... 598 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,720 Paris. 599 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,000 1793. 600 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,440 Yes. The Reign of Terror. 601 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:52,600 Was that one of ours or one of yours? 602 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:54,280 Can't recall. 603 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,840 We had crepes. 604 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,240 [champagne cork pops] 605 00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:05,920 Mm. 606 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,440 That was scrumptious. 607 00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:12,680 So, what are you in the mood for now? 608 00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:14,000 Alcohol. 609 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:15,480 [glass dings] 610 00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:19,160 Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol. 611 00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:21,000 [Aziraphale] I have several very nice bottles 612 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,280 of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in the back. 613 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,480 I picked up a dozen cases in 1921, 614 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,440 and there's still some left for special occasions. 615 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,600 Not very big on wine in Heaven, are they, though? 616 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,280 Not going to get any more nice little Châteauneuf-du-Papes 617 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:39,520 in Heaven, or single malt scotch, 618 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:42,680 or little... little froufrou cocktails with umbrellas. 619 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,640 Crowley, I've told you, I'm not helping you. 620 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,320 I'm not interested. This is purely social. 621 00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,400 I am an angel. You are a demon. 622 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,920 We're hereditary enemies. 623 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:57,600 Get thee behind me, foul fiend. 624 00:29:57,680 --> 00:29:59,600 After you. 625 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,640 [God] That night, Arthur and Deirdre Young 626 00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,280 proudly took the baby they believed was theirs 627 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:07,440 home to the quiet English village of Tadfield. 628 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:11,840 The Antichrist had been on Earth for 24 hours. 629 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,040 While in London's Soho, an angel and a demon 630 00:30:17,120 --> 00:30:20,480 had been drinking solidly for the last six of them. 631 00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:24,080 [classical violin music plays out of tune] 632 00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:27,520 [Aziraphale] So, what... what exactly is your point? 633 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,800 My point is-- 634 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,120 [burps] 635 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,520 My point is, dolphins. 636 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:34,640 That's my point. 637 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,960 Big brains, the size of... 638 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,560 damn big brains. 639 00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,440 Not to mention the whales. Brain city, whales. 640 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:44,560 Kraken. 641 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:49,000 Ooh, great, big bugger. 642 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:50,440 Supposed to rise up to the surface. 643 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,360 Right... right up at the end, 644 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:55,000 when the sea boils. 645 00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,000 Well, that's my point. 646 00:30:58,080 --> 00:30:59,320 Whole sea bubbling. 647 00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:00,720 The dolphins, the whales. 648 00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,080 Everything turning into bouillab-- 649 00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,360 Bouill-bouillab-- 650 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,320 Bouillab-- 651 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,160 Fish stew. Anyway, it's not their fault. 652 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,720 And that's the same with gorillas. 653 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,880 They say, like, "Whoop". They say a lot of-- 654 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,520 Sky's gone red. There's... 655 00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:18,120 stars crashing down. 656 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:20,480 And what are they putting in bananas these days? 657 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:23,760 They're All creatures, great and small. 658 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:26,320 And you know what's worse? 659 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:28,680 When it's all over, 660 00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:34,200 you've got to deal with eternity! 661 00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,720 Eternity? 662 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,400 [Crowley] Yeah, it won't be so bad at first. 663 00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,840 Although no Stephen Sondheim 664 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,240 first nights in eternity, I'm afraid. 665 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:45,400 Although, I have heard rumours that your boss 666 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:49,040 really loves The Sound of Music. 667 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:51,840 You fancy spending eternity watching that? 668 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,800 You could literally climb every mountain 669 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,560 over and over and over and over and over and over and over. 670 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:58,400 I don't like it any more than you do, 671 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:03,720 but I told you, I can't diso-- not do what I'm told. 672 00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:05,640 I'm an angel. I... 673 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,040 Oh, God, I-- 674 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:08,640 I can't cope with this while I'm drunk. 675 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,160 I'm going to sober up. 676 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:11,560 Yeah, me too. 677 00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:13,360 [inhales sharply] 678 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:14,640 [strains] 679 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,360 [music tunes down] 680 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:30,200 [God] Harriet Dowling took baby Warlock to his new home, 681 00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,480 an official London residence. 682 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,880 [sirens blaring] 683 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,480 [Mother Superior] Our mission is done, Lord Hastur. 684 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,840 The baby is in place, 685 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,520 and his parents are none the wiser. 686 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,480 Well, no need for the convent any longer, then, is there? 687 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:51,280 -I'm afraid I-- -[Hastur] Dissolve. 688 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:53,520 -What? -Your order is dissolved. 689 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:55,600 -We're what? -Now hang on a moment. 690 00:32:55,680 --> 00:32:57,320 We did everything that was asked of us. 691 00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,560 What about our reward? 692 00:32:58,640 --> 00:32:59,760 So irritating. 693 00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:01,280 You never shut up, do you? 694 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:02,640 We are a chattering order. 695 00:33:02,720 --> 00:33:04,000 We say what is on our minds. 696 00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:05,320 And right now, what's on my mind 697 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,920 is that you can't treat us like-- 698 00:33:08,320 --> 00:33:09,560 [Hastur] Would you like to tell them 699 00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,200 that the order is dissolved? 700 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,840 Or would you rather that they all perish in the fire? 701 00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,040 -What fire? -[thunder crashes] 702 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:18,360 [gasps] 703 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:22,640 [laughs] 704 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,720 [all screaming] 705 00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:36,920 Even if I wanted to help, I couldn't. 706 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,160 I can't interfere with the Divine Plan. 707 00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:43,080 [Crowley] Well, what about diabolical plans? 708 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,680 You can't be certain that thwarting me 709 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,360 isn't part of the Divine Plan, too. 710 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,200 I mean, you're supposed to thwart the wiles 711 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:52,360 of the Evil One at every turn, aren't you? 712 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:53,880 Well... 713 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:57,080 See a wile, ya' thwart. Am I right? 714 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,960 I... Broadly. 715 00:34:00,040 --> 00:34:02,200 Actually, I encourage humans to do the actual-- 716 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:04,560 But the Antichrist has been born. 717 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,840 But it's the upbringing that's important, the influences. 718 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:09,960 The evil influences, 719 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,120 that's all going to be me. 720 00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,920 It'd be too bad if someone made sure that I failed. 721 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,000 If you put it that way... 722 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:29,840 Heaven couldn't actually object if I was thwarting you. 723 00:34:29,920 --> 00:34:32,880 No. Be a real feather in your wing. 724 00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,280 We'd be godfathers, sort of, 725 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,520 overseeing his upbringing. 726 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:49,880 We do it right, he won't be evil. 727 00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,880 Or good. He'll just be normal. 728 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:54,760 It might work. 729 00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:58,640 Godfathers. 730 00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,680 Well, I'll be damned. [chuckles] 731 00:35:00,800 --> 00:35:03,680 It's not that bad when you get used to it. 732 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,160 [bell tinkling] 733 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,360 [in Scottish accent] I understand you need a nanny. 734 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:23,880 [in West Country accent] They do say as you might be looking for a gardener. 735 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:33,320 [Aziraphale] Oh! Young master Warlock! 736 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,160 You're growing fast. 737 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:37,920 You must be all of, um... 738 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:40,440 Five. I'm five. 739 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:43,200 What's that? 740 00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:45,160 Oh, that's Brother Pigeon. 741 00:35:45,200 --> 00:35:47,200 [cooing] 742 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,400 And Brother Snail. 743 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:52,600 Oh, and Sister Slug. 744 00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:58,000 Now, you remember, young Warlock, 745 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:00,120 as you grow, 746 00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:03,840 to have love and reverence 747 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,320 for all living things. 748 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,200 Nanny says living things 749 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:12,160 are only fit to be ground under my heels, Brother Francis. 750 00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:13,440 [chuckles] 751 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,480 Well, don't you listen to her. 752 00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:17,680 You listen to me. 753 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:20,560 [lullaby music plays] 754 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:28,080 Will you sing me a lullaby, nanny? 755 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,920 Of course, dear. 756 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:35,360 ♪♪ Go to sleep ♪♪ 757 00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:40,000 ♪♪ And dream of pain ♪♪ 758 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:43,200 ♪♪ Doom and darkness ♪♪ 759 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,480 ♪♪ Blood and brains ♪♪ 760 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:50,440 ♪♪ Sleep so sweet ♪♪ 761 00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:54,920 ♪♪ My darling boy ♪♪ 762 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,640 ♪♪ You will rule ♪♪ 763 00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,640 ♪♪ When Earth's destroyed ♪♪ 764 00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,880 The gardener says that I must be kind and nice to everybody. 765 00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,640 Even Sister Slug. 766 00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,360 And not ever destroy the Earth. 767 00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,360 Don't listen to him. 768 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:16,760 Listen to me. 769 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:20,200 [God] There are many doors that will take you to Heaven or to Hell. 770 00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:23,520 But when Crowley and Aziraphale report in an official capacity 771 00:37:23,600 --> 00:37:25,560 to their respective head offices, 772 00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,760 they take the main entrance. 773 00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,080 Tell us about the boy, Warlock. 774 00:37:38,160 --> 00:37:40,360 He's a remarkable child, Lord Beelzebub. 775 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:43,920 -But is he evil? -Fantastically evil. 776 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,280 Killed anyone yet? 777 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:47,880 Uh... not yet, 778 00:37:47,960 --> 00:37:49,480 but there's more to evil than just killing people, eh? 779 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:50,560 [murmurs of agreement] 780 00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:52,080 [Ligur] I suppose. 781 00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,600 But it's fun. 782 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:56,160 Have you encountered any problems from the... 783 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,160 -[flies buzzing] -...opposition? 784 00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:01,640 They don't suspect a thing. 785 00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:04,600 I am proud to say 786 00:38:04,640 --> 00:38:06,800 that on a very real level, 787 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,280 the Antichrist child 788 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:12,560 is now being influenced towards the light. 789 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,160 Very commendable, Aziraphale. 790 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,760 -Excellent work, as usual. -Yes. 791 00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,400 But, Aziraphale, we will be most understanding 792 00:38:19,480 --> 00:38:21,520 when you fail. 793 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,920 After all, wars are to be won. 794 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,160 Not avoided. 795 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,920 But I won't fail. 796 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,640 I mean, that would be bad. 797 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:33,280 Aziraphale, what you're doing is praiseworthy, 798 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:35,960 but obviously doomed to failure. 799 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:37,840 [chuckles] 800 00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:41,800 Still, as the Almighty likes to say, 801 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,400 "Climb every mountain." 802 00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:48,760 "Ford every stream." 803 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:03,560 The boy's too normal. 804 00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:05,560 Excellent. It's working. 805 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,480 The heavenly influences are balancing out the hellish. 806 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:09,680 A no-score draw. 807 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,400 I hope you're right. 808 00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,120 Only six years left to go. 809 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,840 -Crowley. -Yeah? 810 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:19,480 I mean, if he comes into his full power, 811 00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:21,840 how do we stop him then? 812 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:25,880 I'm sure it won't come to that. 813 00:39:52,200 --> 00:39:54,640 -[Ligur] He's big. -[Hastur] He's the biggest we've got. 814 00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,640 Only the best for our young master-to-be. 815 00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,360 [Ligur] Do you think he's hungry? 816 00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:02,040 [Hastur] Only one way to find out. 817 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:03,320 [growls] 818 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,560 You. Get in there. 819 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,680 -Me? -Yes, yes, you. 820 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:12,880 Watch out for his teeth. 821 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:14,520 Ooh. 822 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:17,640 [screams] 823 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:20,280 It's not like you didn't tell him to look out for the teeth. 824 00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:21,560 [banging on door] 825 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,520 [Hastur] I think he was hungry. 826 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,520 [Harriet] Warlock, are you listening to me, honey? 827 00:40:26,600 --> 00:40:28,640 Look what they used to think dinosaurs looked like. 828 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,120 -Whatever. -They're old and educational. 829 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,640 -It's dumb. -It's not dumb, sweetie. 830 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,400 -It's a dinosaur. -Dumbasaur, more like. 831 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:37,960 Can we talk about my birthday party? 832 00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,400 Why can't we have my party in an escape room? 833 00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:42,960 [Harriet] Honey, for the last time, 834 00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:44,120 we've already hired a... 835 00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:45,800 [Warlock] But, Mom... 836 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:47,880 [Crowley] Well, we've done everything we can. 837 00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:52,000 All we can do now is wait for his birthday. 838 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:53,680 The Hell Hound will be the key. 839 00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,120 Shows up at 3:00 on Wednesday. 840 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:58,120 Right. 841 00:40:58,160 --> 00:41:00,760 You've never actually mentioned a Hell Hound before. 842 00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:02,560 Oh, yeah. 843 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,160 Yeah, they're sending him a Hell Hound 844 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:07,640 to pad by his side and guard him from all harm. 845 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,840 -Oh. -Biggest one they've got. 846 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:11,640 Won't people remark on the sudden appearance 847 00:41:11,680 --> 00:41:13,160 of a huge black dog? 848 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:14,960 His parents, for a start? 849 00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:19,280 No one will notice anything. It's reality, angel. 850 00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:21,560 And young Warlock can do what he likes with that, 851 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,880 whether he knows it or not. 852 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:27,400 It's the start of it all. The boy's meant to name it. 853 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,880 Um... Stalks by Night, Throat-Ripper, something like that. 854 00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,080 But if you and I have done our job properly, 855 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:37,440 then he'll send it away unnamed. 856 00:41:37,520 --> 00:41:39,280 What if he does name it? 857 00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:40,960 Then you and I have lost, he'll have all his powers, 858 00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:43,600 and Armageddon will be days away. 859 00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,360 There must be some way of stopping it. 860 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,160 If there was no boy... 861 00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:51,800 then the process would stop. 862 00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:54,480 Yes, but there is a boy. He's over there, 863 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:57,440 writing a rude word on a description of a dinosaur. 864 00:41:57,520 --> 00:41:58,840 [Crowley] Well, there is a boy now. 865 00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,080 That could change. 866 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,000 Something could happen to him. 867 00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:09,520 I'm saying you could kill him. 868 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,800 I've never actually... killed anything. 869 00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:23,200 I don't think I could. 870 00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,080 Not even to save everything? 871 00:42:30,320 --> 00:42:31,400 One life... 872 00:42:31,480 --> 00:42:33,640 against the universe. 873 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,280 Then, this Hell Hound, 874 00:42:41,360 --> 00:42:42,880 it'll show up at his birthday party? 875 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:44,760 -Yeah. -Well, then we should be there. 876 00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:49,640 Maybe I can stop the dog. In fact, I could entertain. 877 00:42:49,760 --> 00:42:51,080 No, no, no. Please, no. No. 878 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:52,480 I just need to get back into practice. 879 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,600 Oh, no, no. Don't do your magic act. 880 00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,080 -[exhales] -Please. Please! I'm actually begging you. 881 00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,960 -[coin falls to ground] -You have no idea how demeaning that is. Please. 882 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:02,200 [exhaling] 883 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:03,880 -In your finger. -No, it was in your ear. 884 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,840 -It was in your pocket. -It was close to your ear. 885 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:08,640 Never anywhere near my ear. 886 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:09,760 You're no fun. 887 00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:11,160 -Fun? -Yes. 888 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:13,160 It's humiliating. 889 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:14,400 You can do proper magic. 890 00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:15,840 You can make things disappear. 891 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:17,040 But it's not as fun. 892 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,520 Make you disappear. 893 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:21,200 [Aziraphale] Where has he got to? 894 00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:24,160 Is he in here... somewhere? 895 00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,800 There he is! Ha! This-- 896 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,280 -We'll come back to that one. -[phone keyboards clicking] 897 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,040 You see, it's me old top hat. 898 00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:32,640 But, wait. 899 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,280 What's this? 900 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,800 Could it be 901 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:41,760 our old furry friend, 902 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:45,680 Harry the Rabbit? 903 00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:47,360 It was in the table. 904 00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,320 You said there was gonna be a celebrity magician. 905 00:43:50,400 --> 00:43:53,800 I had Penn and Teller at my party, and I had a silent disco, 906 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:55,760 -and I got a-- -You're rubbish. 907 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,240 [child] Excuse me, excuse me. 908 00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,880 He's right, you know. You are actually rubbish. 909 00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,000 [quietly] Five, four, 910 00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:08,760 three, two, one. 911 00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:11,560 [Hastur] The time is upon us. 912 00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:13,720 As soon as the boy names the Hound, 913 00:44:13,800 --> 00:44:16,080 Armageddon will begin. 914 00:44:18,320 --> 00:44:21,640 -Go. Find your master. -[all screaming] 915 00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,480 [indistinct chatter over radio] 916 00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:28,320 He's not back yet? 917 00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,560 He's down in Hogback Wood, playing with his friends. 918 00:44:30,640 --> 00:44:32,440 I've told him to be home by teatime. 919 00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,040 Right, well, give me a shout when he gets back, 920 00:44:35,120 --> 00:44:38,240 then we can light the candles. 921 00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:39,840 [no audible dialogue] 922 00:44:41,040 --> 00:44:42,880 [kids cheering] 923 00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:49,120 [shouts and screams] 924 00:44:50,960 --> 00:44:55,320 That was the best 11th birthday ever. 925 00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:57,200 It was all a bit of a disaster, I'm afraid. 926 00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,600 Nonsense. You gave them all a party to remember. 927 00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,440 Last one any of them will ever have, mind. 928 00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:03,840 It's late. 929 00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,600 Comes of putting it up your sleeve. 930 00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:06,760 [turns radio on] 931 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:07,880 No. 932 00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:10,840 -[wings beating] -The Hell Hound. 933 00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,760 It's late. 934 00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,920 [radio announcer] ...Isle of Skye, and your time starts-- 935 00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,920 [signal warbles] 936 00:45:17,000 --> 00:45:19,480 -[male voice on radio] Hello, Crowley. -Uh, hi. Who's this? 937 00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:21,800 Dagon, Lord of the Files, 938 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:23,520 Master of Torments. 939 00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:25,880 Yeah, just checking in about the Hell Hound. 940 00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,440 He should be with you by now. 941 00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:30,640 Why? Has something gone wrong, Crowley? 942 00:45:30,720 --> 00:45:33,280 Wrong? No, no. Nothing's wrong. What could be wrong? 943 00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:35,000 Oh, no, I see him now, yes. 944 00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:37,600 What a lovely, big helly Hell Hound. 945 00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:39,960 Yes, OK, great talking to you. 946 00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:42,760 No dog. 947 00:45:44,080 --> 00:45:45,600 No dog. 948 00:45:45,680 --> 00:45:47,880 Wrong boy. 949 00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:52,240 Wrong boy. 950 00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,480 [God] The right boy was playing in the woods with his friends. 951 00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,720 After all, it was his birthday. 952 00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,600 Hogback Wood was their Eden, 953 00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:02,360 where they could play unbothered by adults. 954 00:46:02,440 --> 00:46:05,120 The children called themselves the "Them". 955 00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,880 Pepper and Brian, Wensleydale, 956 00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:12,560 and the birthday boy, their leader, who found their den 957 00:46:12,640 --> 00:46:16,560 and invented the best games of all... Adam. 958 00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:21,640 [growling] 959 00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:25,960 [roars] 960 00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,800 It's my birthday. Of course, I'm gonna get a dog. 961 00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,160 [Pepper] You never get what you want. 962 00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:33,240 I wanted a bike, and I asked for it. 963 00:46:33,320 --> 00:46:35,440 And I told them I wanted a razor blade saddle, 964 00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:37,680 and 12 gears and everything. 965 00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:38,880 And do you know what they got me? 966 00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,440 A girl's bike. With a basket. 967 00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:43,720 But you are actually a girl, Pepper. 968 00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,120 That's just sexist. 969 00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,080 I want a dog. 970 00:46:47,160 --> 00:46:48,960 [Pepper] Oh, right. And your mum and dad 971 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:51,160 are just going to get you a big old Rotten-weiler, then, Adam? 972 00:46:51,240 --> 00:46:52,200 I don't want a big dog. 973 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,000 [curious growl] 974 00:46:54,080 --> 00:46:57,680 I want the kind of dog you can have fun with. A little dog. 975 00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:59,600 I want a dog that's brilliantly intelligent, 976 00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:02,480 and can go down rabbit holes, and I can teach tricks. 977 00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:04,640 And I'll call him... 978 00:47:04,720 --> 00:47:07,480 [God] And this is the moment. The naming. 979 00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:10,760 This will give it its purpose, its function, its identity. 980 00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:15,000 This is the moment that sets Armageddon into motion. 981 00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:18,920 The Hell Hound growls a low, rumbling snarl 982 00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,280 of spring-coiled menace. 983 00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:23,320 The sort of growl that starts in the back of one throat 984 00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,040 and ends up deep in someone else's. 985 00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:27,360 I think I'll call him "Dog". 986 00:47:27,440 --> 00:47:29,520 [whimpers] 987 00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,440 Saves a lot of trouble, a name like that. 988 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:35,080 And, what, this dog's just gonna turn up? 989 00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:36,600 Maybe. 990 00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:38,960 [barks] 991 00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:43,240 Here, boy. Come on. 992 00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:01,840 [Dog whines] 993 00:48:01,920 --> 00:48:03,600 [Crowley] Armageddon is days away, 994 00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:05,760 and we've lost the Antichrist. 995 00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:09,920 Why did the powers of Hell have to drag me into this anyway? 996 00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:11,880 Well, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure 997 00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:13,800 it's because of all those memos you kept sending them, 998 00:48:13,880 --> 00:48:16,160 saying how amazingly well you were doing. 999 00:48:16,240 --> 00:48:17,840 Is it my fault they never check-up? 1000 00:48:17,920 --> 00:48:20,960 I'm to blame they never check-up? 1001 00:48:21,040 --> 00:48:23,960 Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office. 1002 00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:25,400 -You know that. -Yes, but you told them 1003 00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,240 you invented the Spanish Inquisition 1004 00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:29,480 and started the Second World War. 1005 00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:32,080 So the humans beat me to it. That's not my fault. 1006 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:34,440 [sniffing] 1007 00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:36,040 Something's changed. 1008 00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:37,720 Oh, it's a new cologne. My barber suggested it. 1009 00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,960 Not you. I know what you smell like. 1010 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,800 The Hell Hound has found its master. 1011 00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:47,040 Are you sure? 1012 00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,440 I felt it. Would I lie to you? 1013 00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:51,320 Well, obviously. You're a demon. That's what you do. 1014 00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,000 No, I'm not lying. The boy, wherever he is, 1015 00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:56,320 has the dog. 1016 00:48:56,400 --> 00:48:58,240 He's named it. It's done. 1017 00:48:58,320 --> 00:49:00,160 He's coming into his power. 1018 00:49:01,320 --> 00:49:02,760 We're doomed. 1019 00:49:03,760 --> 00:49:04,960 Well, then... 1020 00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:08,320 welcome to the end times. 1021 00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:13,200 [theme music plays]