1 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,800 [God] Aziraphale. Angel of the Eastern Gate. 2 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,320 [Aziraphale] Yes, Lord? 3 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,520 [God] Where is the flaming sword I gave you, Aziraphale, 4 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,600 to guard the Gate of Eden? 5 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:29,600 Sword? Right. 6 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,760 Um... uh... 7 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,640 Big, sharp, cutty thing. Yes. [laughs nervously] 8 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,120 Uh... 9 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,000 Oh, must have, uh-- 10 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,720 must have put it down here somewhere. 11 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,400 Um... 12 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:49,200 Forget my own head next. 13 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:51,960 Oh, dear. 14 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,840 [thunder crashes] 15 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,640 [chickens clucking] 16 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,320 Hello, Aziraphale. 17 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,760 Crawley. 18 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:07,800 So, giving the mortals a flaming sword. 19 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:10,640 How did that work out for you? 20 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,880 The Almighty has never actually mentioned it again. 21 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,760 Probably a good thing. 22 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:17,280 What's all this about? 23 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:20,840 Build a big boat and fill it with a travelling zoo? 24 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:25,160 From what I hear, God's a bit tetchy. 25 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,280 Wiping out the human race. 26 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,080 Big storm. 27 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,120 All of them? 28 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,040 Just the locals. 29 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,440 I don't believe the Almighty's upset with the Chinese. 30 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:39,360 Or the Native Americans. 31 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,040 Or the Australians. 32 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,560 -Yet. -And God's not actually 33 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,120 going to wipe out all the locals. 34 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,720 I mean, Noah, up there, 35 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,600 his family, and his sons, their wives, 36 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:52,000 they're all going to be fine. 37 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:54,800 But they're drowning everybody else? 38 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:57,240 [goats bleating] 39 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,840 Not the kids? You can't kill kids. 40 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,520 Mm-hmm. 41 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,880 Well, that's more the kind of thing you'd expect my lot to do. 42 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,000 Yes, but when it's done, 43 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:13,880 the Almighty's going to put up a new thing, called a "rain bow", 44 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,680 as a promise not to drown everyone again. 45 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,320 How kind. 46 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,440 You can't judge the Almighty, Crawley. 47 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,240 God's plans are-- 48 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,440 Are you going to say "ineffable"? 49 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,160 Possibly. 50 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,160 -[horse whinnies] -Oy! Shem! 51 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:33,440 That unicorn's going to make a run for it. 52 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,720 Oh, it's too late. It's too late! 53 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,680 Well, you've still got one of them. 54 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:40,800 [thunder crashes] 55 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,280 [rain patters] 56 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,600 Father, please. 57 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:50,920 -[loud clang] -[gasps] 58 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,760 You have to forgive them. 59 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,520 Aah! 60 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,040 They don't know what they are doing. 61 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,960 Aah! 62 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:00,960 [Crowley] Come to smirk at the poor bugger, have you? 63 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,440 [Aziraphale] Smirk? Me? 64 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,320 Well, your lot put him on there. 65 00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,240 I'm not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley. 66 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,720 Oh, I've changed it. 67 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,840 -Changed what? -My name. 68 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,880 "Crawl-y" just wasn't really doing it for me. 69 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,280 It's a bit too... squirming-at-your-feet-ish. 70 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,320 Well, you were a snake. 71 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,680 So, what is it now? 72 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,840 Mephistopheles? Asmodeus? 73 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,120 Crowley. 74 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,320 -Hmm. -[hammer pounds] 75 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,760 [gasping and moaning] 76 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,240 Did you, uh... 77 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,920 ever meet him? 78 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,160 Yes. 79 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:39,480 Seemed a very bright young man. 80 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,440 I showed him all the kingdoms of the world. 81 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,240 Why? 82 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,760 He's a carpenter from Galilee. 83 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,600 His travel opportunities are limited. 84 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,040 -[Jesus cries out] -That has got to hurt. 85 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,040 What was it he said that got everyone so upset? 86 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,240 "Be kind to each other." 87 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,120 Oh, yeah. That'll do it. 88 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,520 [Jesus gasping] 89 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:04,480 [moaning] 90 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,480 [gasping] 91 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:19,440 -[wailing] -[dramatic music swells] 92 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,120 [indistinct chattering] 93 00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,080 [Crowley] What have you got? 94 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,160 Give me a jug of whatever you think is drinkable. 95 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,520 Jug of house brown. 96 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,160 Two sesterces. 97 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,800 Crawley-- Crowley? 98 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,560 Well... 99 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:54,600 Fancy running into you here. 100 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,720 Still a demon, then? 101 00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:58,560 What kind of stupid question is that, "Still a demon"? 102 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,480 What else am I going to be, an aardvark? 103 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,480 Salutaria. 104 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:10,000 In Rome long? 105 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,440 Just nipped in for a quick temptation. 106 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:13,880 -You? -I thought I'd try 107 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,680 Petronius' new restaurant. 108 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,920 I hear he does remarkable things to oysters. 109 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,360 I've never eaten an oyster. 110 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,200 Oh. 111 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,720 Oh, well, let me tempt you to-- 112 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,240 Oh, no. 113 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,440 No, that's-- that's your job, isn't it? 114 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,760 [crows squawking] 115 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,560 [dramatic music plays] 116 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,960 [footsteps] 117 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,200 Hello? 118 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:04,040 I, Sir Aziraphale of the Table Round, 119 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,320 am here to speak 120 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,120 to the Black Knight. 121 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,800 Oh. Right. 122 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,840 Um... hello. 123 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,000 -Yeah, come. -[stammers] I... 124 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,600 I was hoping to meet with the Black Knight? 125 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,040 You have sought the Black Knight, foolish one. 126 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,400 But you have found your death. 127 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,240 Is that you under there, Crawley? 128 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,720 Crowley. 129 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,760 What the hell are you playing at? 130 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,480 It's alright, lads. I know him. He's alright. 131 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:43,760 I'm here spreading foment. 132 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,280 What is that, some kind of porridge? 133 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,560 No. I'm, you know, fomenting dissent and discord. 134 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:49,960 King Arthur's been spreading too much 135 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,400 peace and tranquillity in the land, 136 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,640 so I'm here, you know, fomenting. 137 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,840 Well, I'm meant to be fomenting peace. 138 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,680 So we're both working very hard in damp places 139 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,320 and just cancelling each other out? 140 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,840 Well, you could put it like that. 141 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,200 It is a bit damp. 142 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,000 Be easier if we both stayed home. 143 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,080 If we just sent messages back to our head offices 144 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,160 saying we'd done everything they'd asked for, wouldn't it? 145 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,840 But that would be lying. 146 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,040 Eh, possibly, but the end result would be the same. 147 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,640 Cancel each other out. 148 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,760 But, my dear fellow... 149 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,840 well, they'd check. 150 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,360 Michael's a... bit of a stickler. 151 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,160 You don't want to get Gabriel upset with you. 152 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,800 Oh, our lot have better things to do 153 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,960 than verifying compliance reports from Earth. 154 00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,520 As long as they get the paperwork, 155 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,120 they seem happy enough. 156 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:37,120 As long as you're being seen to be doing something 157 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,360 every now and again. 158 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,360 No! Absolutely not! 159 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,000 I am shocked that you would even imply such a thing. 160 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,440 We're not having this conversation. 161 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,960 Not another word. 162 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,640 -Right. -Right! 163 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,200 [helmet clanks] 164 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,920 [minstrel music playing] 165 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,320 [woman] Oysters! 166 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,400 -Oranges! -Some grapes, please. 167 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:18,800 -[man] To be or not to be, that is the question. -They look scrummy. 168 00:08:18,880 --> 00:08:20,920 Whether 'tis nobler in the mind 169 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,240 to suffer the slings and arrows 170 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:26,360 -of outrageous fortune... -I thought you said we'd be inconspicuous here. 171 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,440 Blend in among the crowds. 172 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,080 [Aziraphale] Well, that was the idea. 173 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,840 -[Shakespeare] Hang on. -[woman] Oranges! 174 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,080 This isn't one of Shakespeare's gloomy ones, is it? 175 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:38,720 -No wonder nobody's here. -Shh. It's him. It's him. 176 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:43,120 Prithee, gentles. Might I request a small favour? 177 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,520 Could you, in your role as the audience, 178 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,640 give us more to work with? 179 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,320 You mean, like when the ghost of his father came on, 180 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,520 and I said, "He's behind you!" 181 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,440 Just so. That was jolly helpful. 182 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,880 Made everyone on stage feel appreciated. 183 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,320 A bit more of that. 184 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:01,520 Good Master Burbage, please. 185 00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:03,520 Speak the lines trippingly. 186 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,520 I am wasting my time up here. 187 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,640 No, no, you're very good. 188 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,360 I love all the... 189 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,360 talking. 190 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:13,640 And what does your friend think? 191 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:15,880 Oh, he's not my friend. 192 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,640 We've never met before. We don't know each other. 193 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,080 I think you should get on with the play. 194 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,360 Yes, Burbage. Please. 195 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:23,880 From the top. 196 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:29,280 [Burbage] To be or not to be. 197 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,840 That is the question. 198 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:33,360 To be! I mean, not to be! 199 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,760 Come on, Hamlet! Buck up! 200 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,480 [laughs] 201 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,840 [Burbage] Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer 202 00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,040 -the slings and arrows... -He's very good, isn't he? 203 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:44,720 Age does not wither, 204 00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,760 nor custom stale his infinite variety. 205 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,200 Mmm! 206 00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,400 Yeah, I like that. 207 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,400 [Burbage] To die. To sleep. 208 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,880 -No more... -What do you want? 209 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,160 Why ever would you insinuate 210 00:09:58,240 --> 00:09:59,760 that I might possibly want something? 211 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,720 You are up to no good. 212 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,000 Obviously. You're up to good, I take it? 213 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,240 Lots of good deeds? 214 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,840 No rest for the... well, good. 215 00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:13,040 I have to be in Edinburgh at the end of the week. 216 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,760 -Oh. -A couple of blessings to do. 217 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,520 A minor miracle to perform. 218 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,040 Apparently, I have to ride a horse. 219 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,320 [groans] Hard on the buttocks, horses. 220 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,520 Major design flaw, if you ask me. 221 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:29,040 I'm meant to be heading to Edinburgh too this week. 222 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,360 Tempting a clan leader to steal some cattle. 223 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,360 Doesn't sound like hard work. 224 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:37,160 -The pangs of despised love and the insolence of office. -[burps] 225 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,760 -And the spurns that we are... -That's why I thought we should... 226 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,600 Well, bit of a waste of effort, 227 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,240 both of us going all the way to Scotland. 228 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,160 You cannot actually be suggesting... 229 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,760 what I infer... 230 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,200 you are implying. 231 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,760 Which is? 232 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:59,280 That just one of us goes to Edinburgh, does both. 233 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,640 The blessing and the tempting. 234 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,120 We've done it before. 235 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,000 Dozens of times now. 236 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,720 -The arrangement-- -Don't say that. 237 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,200 Our respective head offices don't actually care 238 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,760 how things get done. 239 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,560 They just want to know they can cross it off the list. 240 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,240 But if Hell finds out, they won't just be angry, 241 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,080 they'll destroy you. 242 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,160 Nobody ever has to know. 243 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,840 Toss you for Edinburgh. 244 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,560 Fine. Heads. 245 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,000 Tails, I'm afraid. You're going to Scotland. 246 00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,800 It's been like this every performance, Juliet. 247 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,240 Complete dud. 248 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:40,160 It'd take a miracle to get anyone to come and see "Hamlet". 249 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:44,520 Yes, alright. 250 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,320 I'll do that one. My treat. 251 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,640 -Oh, really? -I still prefer the funny ones. 252 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,240 [crowd cheering] 253 00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,800 -[wet slice] -[head thuds] 254 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,800 [crowd cheers] 255 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:11,600 [keys rattle] 256 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:23,840 [speaking French] 257 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,360 [speaking French] 258 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,480 [speaking French, poorly] 259 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:32,480 ...mistake-- 260 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,240 Uh, erreur. 261 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,960 Bit out of practise at the French. 262 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:39,040 Um... [attempting French] 263 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,320 -I speak English. -[guillotine slides and crashes] 264 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,120 -[crowd clamouring] -Listen to that. 265 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,120 The fall of the guillotine blade. 266 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,880 Is it not terrible? 267 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,760 Yes. Yes, cutting off that poor woman's head. Terrible. 268 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,240 It is Pierre. An amateur. 269 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,280 Always he let go of the rope too soon. 270 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,120 You are lucky that it is I, Jean-Claude, 271 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,920 who will remove your traitorous head from your shoulders. 272 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,640 Look, this is all a terrible mistake. 273 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,880 -I don't think you understand-- -I have good news for you. 274 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:10,640 You are the 999th aristo 275 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,640 to die at the guillotine by my hand. 276 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,960 But the first English. 277 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,480 Now... 278 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,760 Please. No. 279 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,600 Dreadful mistake, discorporating me. 280 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,120 Oh, it'll be a complete nightmare. 281 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,480 -[guillotine crashes] -[crowd cheers] 282 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,920 Animals. 283 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,360 [Crowley] Animals don't kill each other 284 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,080 with clever machines, angel. 285 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,320 Only humans do that. 286 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:37,720 Crowley. 287 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,240 Oh, good Lord. 288 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:43,760 [Crowley] What the deuce are you doing 289 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:44,920 locked up in the Bastille? 290 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,840 I thought you were opening a book shop. 291 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,080 Well, I was. 292 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,040 I got peckish. 293 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,560 "Peckish"? 294 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,720 Well, if you must know, it was the crepes. 295 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,800 You can't get decent ones anywhere but Paris. 296 00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:59,440 And the brioche. 297 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:02,280 So you just popped across the Channel during a revolution, 298 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,040 because you wanted something to nibble? 299 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:06,440 -Dressed like that? -I have standards. 300 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,080 I'd heard they were getting a bit carried away over here but-- 301 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,960 Yeah, this is not getting carried away. 302 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,680 This is cutting off lots of people's heads very efficiently 303 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,280 with a big head-cutting machine. 304 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,480 Why didn't you just perform another miracle and go home? 305 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,640 I was reprimanded last month. 306 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:24,320 They said I'd performed too many frivolous miracles. 307 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:27,200 Got a strongly worded note from Gabriel. 308 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,200 Well, you're lucky I was in the area. 309 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,840 I suppose I am. 310 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,560 Why are you here? 311 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,800 My lot sent me a commendation for outstanding job performance. 312 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:39,400 So all this is your demonic work? 313 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,680 No. The humans thought it up themselves. 314 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,640 Nothing to do with me. 315 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:44,920 [snaps fingers] 316 00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,240 Well, I suppose I should say thank you 317 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,440 for the, uh, rescue. 318 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:54,200 Don't say that. 319 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:55,920 If my people hear I rescued an angel, 320 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,200 I'll be the one in trouble. 321 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,680 And my lot do not send rude notes. 322 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,280 Well, anyway, I'm very grateful. 323 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,200 What about if I buy you lunch? 324 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,600 Looking like that? 325 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:08,200 [sighs] 326 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,360 Well, barely counts as a miracle, really. 327 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,720 [snaps fingers] 328 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,480 [man speaking French] 329 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,400 [gasps and sputters] 330 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,000 Dressed like that, he's asking for trouble. 331 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,720 What's for lunch? 332 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,200 What would you say to some crepes? 333 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,960 [guillotine slicing] 334 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,120 [chattering] 335 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,800 Look, I've been thinking. What if it all goes wrong? 336 00:15:57,880 --> 00:15:59,560 We have a lot in common, you and me. 337 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:00,840 I don't know. 338 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,440 We may have both started off as angels, 339 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,600 but you are fallen. 340 00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:06,240 I didn't really fall. 341 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,720 I just, you know... 342 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,800 sauntered vaguely downwards. 343 00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:12,280 I need a favour. 344 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,680 We already have the agreement, Crowley. 345 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:16,200 Stay out of each other's way. 346 00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,160 Lend a hand when needed. 347 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,120 This is something else, 348 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,680 for if it all goes pear-shaped. 349 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,360 I like pears. 350 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,800 If it all goes wrong, 351 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:28,360 I want insurance. 352 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,640 What? 353 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,680 I wrote it down. Walls have ears. 354 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,360 Well, not walls. Trees have ears. 355 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,160 Ducks have ears. 356 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,680 Do ducks have ears? 357 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:40,640 Must do. That's how they hear other ducks. 358 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,000 Out of the question. 359 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:44,280 Why not? 360 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,440 It would destroy you. 361 00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:49,040 I'm not bringing you a suicide pill, Crowley. 362 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:52,280 That's not what I want it for. Just insurance. 363 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,280 I'm not an idiot, Crowley. 364 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,280 Do you know what trouble I'd be in if... 365 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,800 if they knew I'd been fraternising? 366 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,840 It's completely out of the question. 367 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,040 Fraternising? 368 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,480 Well, whatever you wish to call it. 369 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:12,000 I do not think there is any point in discussing it further. 370 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,720 I have lots of other people to fraternise with, angel. 371 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,560 -Of course you do. -I don't need you. 372 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,720 Well, and the feeling is mutual, obviously. 373 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,240 [mimics] Obviously. 374 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,880 [clock chiming] 375 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,040 [air raid sirens wail] 376 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,960 Mr Glozier. Mr Harmony. 377 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,320 Mr Fell. You are late. 378 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,080 But not to worry. 379 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,560 You have the books for the Fuehrer? 380 00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:12,800 [Aziraphale] Yes, I do. 381 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,520 Books of prophecy. 382 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,920 Otwell Binns, Robert Nixon, Mother Shipton. 383 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,320 First editions, as requested. 384 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,880 What about the other book we told you to bring us? 385 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,640 The Fuehrer was most definite that he needs it. 386 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,640 It has the prophecies that are true. 387 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:37,800 With the true prophecy book, the war is as good as won. 388 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:42,000 The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch. 389 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:47,080 No luck. I'm afraid that is the Holy Grail of prophetic books. 390 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,080 The Fuehrer also wants the Holy Grail. 391 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,400 And the Spear of Destiny, should you run across them. 392 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,520 [Harmony] Why are there no copies of Agnes Nutter's book? 393 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,200 We have made it clear that money is no object. 394 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,800 You will be a very rich man. 395 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,160 The unsold copies of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies 396 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,000 were destroyed by the publisher, 397 00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,760 which is, well, all of them. 398 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,800 It never sold a single copy. 399 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:13,400 But I found the publisher's catalogue for 1655, 400 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,880 and it does list one of Agnes Nutter's prophecies. 401 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,480 What was it? 402 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,520 Her prophecy for 1972. 403 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:24,800 "Do not buy Betamax." 404 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,160 Who is Peter Max? 405 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,320 I have no idea. 406 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,440 I will pass it on to the Fuehrer. 407 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:33,920 These volumes of prophecy will be in Berlin 408 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,960 by the end of the week. 409 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,560 The Fuehrer will be most grateful. 410 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,400 [Harmony] You have been exceedingly helpful, Mr Fell. 411 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:40,960 [gun cocks] 412 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,080 Such a pity you must be eliminated, but take heart, 413 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,240 just another death in the Blitz. 414 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,400 That's not very sporting. 415 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,200 You do not appear worried, my friend. 416 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,080 [gun cocks] 417 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,920 He's not worried. 418 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,560 Who is she? 419 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,920 She, my double-dealing Nazi acquaintance, 420 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,800 is the reason why none of those books are going back to Berlin, 421 00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,320 and why your nasty little spy ring 422 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,640 will be spending the rest of the war behind bars. 423 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,560 Let me introduce you to Captain Rose Montgomery 424 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:18,040 of British Military Intelligence. 425 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,240 Thank you for the introduction. 426 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,520 Our side know all about you two. 427 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,520 She recruited me to work for you. 428 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,320 And now she's going to tell you that this building 429 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:31,040 is surrounded by British agents, 430 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,560 and that you two have been-- 431 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,760 What is that lovely American expression? 432 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,160 Played for suckers. 433 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,800 -Yes, about that-- -Right. Everyone! 434 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,080 Come on! 435 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,560 Round them up! 436 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,080 Rose, where exactly are your people? 437 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:53,560 [laughs] We are all here. 438 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:55,880 Allow me to introduce 439 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,200 Fraulein Greta Kleinschmidt. 440 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,480 -She works with us. -[gasps] 441 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,640 [speaking German] 442 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:08,800 [speaking German] 443 00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:11,880 "Played for a sucker". I must remember that. 444 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,160 I am played for a sucker, you are played for a sucker, 445 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:19,040 he, she, it... [chuckles] will be played for a sucker. 446 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,320 Now, where were we? 447 00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,200 Oh, yes. Killing you. 448 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,240 You can't kill me. 449 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,520 -There'll be paperwork. -[door slams] 450 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:29,240 [Crowley gasping] 451 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,880 Sorry, consecrated ground. 452 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,960 Oh! It's like being at the beach in bare feet. 453 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,680 What are you doing here? 454 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,400 Stopping you getting into trouble. 455 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,240 I should have known. Of course. 456 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,480 These people are working for you. 457 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,480 No. They're a bunch of half-witted Nazi spies 458 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,040 running around London, 459 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,480 blackmailing and murdering people. 460 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,400 I just didn't want to see you embarrassed. 461 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,520 Mr Anthony J. Crowley. 462 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,040 Your fame precedes you. 463 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,080 -Anthony? -You don't like it? 464 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,680 No, no, I didn't say that. I'll get used to it. 465 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,840 The famous Mr Crowley? 466 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,160 That's such a pity you must both die. 467 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,080 What does the "J" stand for? 468 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,640 [stammers] It's just a "J", really. 469 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:20,600 Look at that! 470 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,320 A whole fontful of holy water. 471 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,600 It doesn't even have guards. 472 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,960 Enough babbling. Kill them both. 473 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:30,000 In about a minute, a German bomber will release a bomb 474 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,800 that will land right here. 475 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,600 If you all run away very, very fast, you might not die. 476 00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:37,080 You won't enjoy dying, 477 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,000 definitely won't enjoy what comes after. 478 00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:40,640 You expect us to believe that? 479 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,560 The bombs tonight will fall on the East End. 480 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,720 Yes. It would take a last-minute demonic intervention 481 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,680 to throw them off course, yes. 482 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,760 You're all wasting your valuable running-away time. 483 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,960 And if, in 30 seconds, a bomb does land here, 484 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,760 it would take a real miracle for my friend and I to survive it. 485 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,560 A real miracle? 486 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,200 Kill them. They are very irritating. 487 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,040 [air whistling overhead] 488 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:12,040 [bombs explode] 489 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,600 -[air raid siren blares] -[people screaming distantly] 490 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,760 That was very kind of you. 491 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,760 Shut up. 492 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,880 Well, it was. 493 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,360 No paperwork, for a start. 494 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,240 Oh, the books. 495 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:48,280 Oh, I forgot all the books! 496 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,200 Oh, they'll all be blown to... 497 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,640 [grunts] 498 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,200 Little demonic miracle of my own. 499 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,600 Lift home? 500 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,360 [psychedelic pop music plays] 501 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,320 So, Spike, you're the muscles, 502 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,000 you'll be hauling on the ropes. 503 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,080 And she'll be going down on the ropes then? 504 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:21,600 -[door creaks] -Hang on. 505 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,360 Who are you? 506 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:26,720 I understand you need a locksman. 507 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,600 [Crowley] I was expecting Mr Narker. 508 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,040 Well, Mr Narker's passed on to his reward. 509 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,840 I've taken over the business. 510 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,600 He was my cellmate. He taught me everything he knew. 511 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:38,920 My name's Shadwell. 512 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,600 Please, sit down, Mr Shadwell. 513 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,680 Lance Corporal Shadwell. 514 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,480 If you don't mind. 515 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,520 [Sally] So, what's so valuable 516 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,560 that they're going to leave it in a church at night? 517 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,280 We'll go over the details of what you're obtaining for me 518 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,560 when we get there. 519 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,240 You will all be very well compensated. 520 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,360 You have a question, Lance Corporal Shadwell? 521 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:10,760 Stealing from a church. 522 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:16,120 There's nae witchcraft involved here, is there? 523 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,880 No. 524 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,840 Completely witch-free robbery. 525 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:21,520 Mm. Pity. 526 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:22,960 Any other questions? 527 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,760 [Shadwell] You are not yourself a witch, 528 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,800 warlock or someone that calls your cat funny names? 529 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,440 Not a witch. No pets. Anyone else? 530 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,560 What are we getting paid? 531 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,600 A hundred now, 532 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,080 another hundred when the job's done. 533 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,160 A hundred more to keep schtum. 534 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,160 [laughs] 535 00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:45,840 [Shadwell] Mr Crowley? 536 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,360 May I have a moment of your time? 537 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:53,560 Yes... Lance Corporal Shadwell. 538 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:54,920 What are you a lance corporal in? 539 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:56,400 You don't look like an army man. 540 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,800 [chuckles] 541 00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,600 Well, that is precisely the matter upon which 542 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,240 I planned to talk to you. 543 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,480 You might remember earlier this evening, 544 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:07,120 I asked a rather pointed question about witchcraft. 545 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,360 -Yes. -Well, I am a proud member 546 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,800 of an enormous organisation. 547 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,800 Vast. 548 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,240 A secret army that battles the forces of witchery. 549 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,840 How nice for you. 550 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,600 The Witchfinder Army. Perhaps you've heard of it. 551 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,280 What? I thought you said it was secret. 552 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:27,520 Well, you never know when a gentleman such as yourself 553 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:31,080 might have need of such an organisation. 554 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,240 A man with hundreds of pounds to throw around. 555 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:37,040 If you need us, 556 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,240 the Witchfinder Army are here for you. 557 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:40,680 A whole army? 558 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,200 Think it over. 559 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:44,680 You know where to find me. 560 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,360 What are you doing here? 561 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:04,360 I needed a word with you. 562 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:05,960 What? 563 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,280 I work in Soho. I hear things. 564 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:13,480 I hear that you're setting up a... caper 565 00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,760 to rob a church. 566 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,480 Crowley, it's too dangerous. 567 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,400 Holy water won't just kill your body. 568 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,600 It will destroy you completely. 569 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:25,040 You told me what you think 105 years ago. 570 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,480 And I haven't changed my mind. 571 00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:29,840 But I can't have you risking your life. 572 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:32,840 Not even for something dangerous. 573 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:35,200 So... 574 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,360 you can call off the robbery. 575 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,520 Don't go unscrewing the cap. 576 00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:50,000 It's the real thing? 577 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:51,320 The holiest. 578 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,320 After everything you said. 579 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,200 Should I say thank you? 580 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:05,560 Better not. 581 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,840 Well, can I drop you anywhere? 582 00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,360 No, thank you. 583 00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,080 Oh, don't look so disappointed. 584 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,760 Perhaps one day we could... 585 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:17,280 I don't know. 586 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,360 Go for a picnic. 587 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:21,240 Dine at the Ritz. 588 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:24,000 I'll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go. 589 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,720 You go too fast for me, Crowley. 590 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,680 [car door opens and closes] 591 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,080 [theme music plays] 592 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:16,520 Sorry. Right number. 593 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,600 I'll just go to head office and explain it all. 594 00:30:21,680 --> 00:30:24,160 Yes. So, Gabriel, um... 595 00:30:24,240 --> 00:30:25,480 Listen, Gabriel, 596 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,720 most holy Archangel Gabr-- 597 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,480 No, that's too formal. 598 00:30:29,560 --> 00:30:31,600 Hello, Gabriel, me old mate. 599 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,960 There is a-a-a child we have to deal with 600 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,560 and-and make everything OK again. 601 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,040 Oh, God. 602 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:43,240 [sighs] 603 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:44,560 Hello, Gabriel. 604 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,280 Just thought you ought to know 605 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,880 that due to an unfortunate mix-up in a hospital, 606 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,360 the Antichrist has been mislaid. 607 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,920 But it's alright, because I've found him. 608 00:30:54,000 --> 00:30:57,120 He's living in the English village of Tadfield. 609 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:00,680 And his 11th birthday was the start of... 610 00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:02,680 uh, the end of things. 611 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:06,920 I have his address, and so we just have to eliminate him now, 612 00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:10,320 then everything could still be OK, yeah. 613 00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,760 He'll have an enormous Hell Hound with him. 614 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:14,320 He won't be hard to spot. 615 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,560 [God] This wasn't, insofar as the Hell Hound 616 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,800 had had any expectations, 617 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,680 what he had imagined life would be like 618 00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:25,520 in the last days before Armageddon. 619 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,600 Form shapes nature. 620 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:29,880 There are certain ways of behaviour 621 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:31,320 appropriate to small dogs, 622 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:34,720 which are in fact welded into the genes. 623 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:37,800 He'd surprised the huge ginger cat from next door, 624 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,760 and had attempted to reduce it to cowering jelly 625 00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,120 by means of the usual glowing stare. 626 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:43,560 -[meows] -[yelps] 627 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,120 It had always worked in the past. 628 00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:48,520 Dog was looking forward to a further cat experiment, 629 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:50,320 which would consist of jumping around 630 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:52,440 and yapping excitedly at it. 631 00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:54,760 -[Anathema] I can't believe it! I can't believe it! -[objects smashing] 632 00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:58,120 -Three hundred and fifty years my family kept it safe. -[whimpering] 633 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:01,040 Three hundred and fifty years! 634 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:04,080 So stupid! 635 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:06,200 Come on, Dog. 636 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:09,440 [Dog barking] 637 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:13,400 Hello, are you OK? Can I help? 638 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:14,520 [crying] I'm fine. 639 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,400 But you were crying. 640 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,400 I know. 641 00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:19,880 [sniffles] 642 00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:28,120 Hello. 643 00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,160 This is going to sound so stupid, 644 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:38,560 but I lost my book and it all just got a bit much. 645 00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:40,320 I can help you look for it. 646 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:41,760 Oh, that's sweet of you. 647 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:43,400 It's been in my family for a long time. 648 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:45,000 I wrote a book once. 649 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:47,520 It was about this pirate who was a famous detective. 650 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,880 I bet it was a lot more exciting than any book you've lost. 651 00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:51,240 Especially the bit in the spaceship 652 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:52,480 where the dinosaur comes out 653 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:53,720 and fights with the cowboys. 654 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:55,360 I bet it'd cheer you up, my book. 655 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,480 I'm Adam. I live in Hogback Lane. 656 00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:58,960 Thanks, Adam. 657 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,680 Oh, I'm Anathema. 658 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:05,760 Are you from around here? 659 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:07,120 This is my world. 660 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:09,160 From Hogback Wood to the Dip, 661 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:11,240 and from the old quarry up to the pond. 662 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,600 You haven't seen two men in a big black vintage car, have you? 663 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,000 Did they steal it? 664 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:16,360 Professional book thieves, 665 00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:18,000 probably go around in their car stealing books. 666 00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:20,280 No, no, no, they didn't mean to steal it. 667 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:22,480 Do you want some lemonade? 668 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,000 Are we going to have to break into the cottage 669 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:25,600 and battle the witch for it? 670 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:27,040 That's my cottage. 671 00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:28,320 I'm renting it. 672 00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,400 Look, excuse me for asking, 673 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:32,040 if it's not a personal question, 674 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:34,280 but are you a witch? 675 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,600 No, I'm an occultist. 676 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:39,680 Oh, well, that's alright, then. 677 00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:45,280 [Dog growling] 678 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:47,840 Come on, you silly dog. 679 00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:49,840 [God] There had been a horseshoe over the door 680 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,080 of Jasmine Cottage for hundreds of years. 681 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:55,480 It protected the inhabitants from evil, or so they believed. 682 00:33:55,560 --> 00:33:57,000 You can just leave him in the garden. 683 00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,360 [Adam] No. He has to do everything he's told. 684 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,400 My father says I can only keep him if he's properly trained. 685 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:02,640 [Dog yelping] 686 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:06,920 -Now, Dog, go inside. -[growls] 687 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:08,880 Good boy. It wasn't that hard, was it? 688 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,760 [God] The Hell Hound entered the cottage 689 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,960 and a little bit more of Hell burned away. 690 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,440 [sizzling] 691 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:21,800 [suspenseful music] 692 00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,960 [God] Strictly speaking, 693 00:34:58,040 --> 00:35:00,440 Shadwell doesn't run the Witchfinder Army. 694 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:02,680 According to Shadwell's pay ledgers, 695 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,560 it is run by Witchfinder General Smith. 696 00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:09,480 Under him are Witchfinder Colonels Green and Jones, 697 00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:12,200 and Witchfinder Majors Jackson, Robinson and Smith. 698 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:15,560 Then there are Witchfinder Majors Saucepan, 699 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:17,280 Tin, 700 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:19,080 Milkbottle, deceased, 701 00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:21,000 and Cupboard, 702 00:35:21,080 --> 00:35:23,440 because Shadwell's limited imagination 703 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:26,520 had been beginning to struggle at this point. 704 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:39,160 [TV chatter playing in background] 705 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:40,280 Sergeant Shadwell. 706 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:41,880 Mr Crowley. 707 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:43,400 You're looking well. 708 00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:44,800 Clean living. 709 00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,920 And your father, how is he? 710 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,040 You resemble him very much, you know. 711 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,800 So they tell me. Yeah, he's well. 712 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,520 I've prepared the ledger. 713 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,200 The men need paying, Your Honour. 714 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:02,960 It's hard times for Witchfinders in today's degenerate age. 715 00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:04,960 That won't be necessary. 716 00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:06,760 Two hundred and fifty pounds. 717 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,960 I'll drop the money off for you on Saturday. 718 00:36:09,040 --> 00:36:11,960 Only in cash, in an envelope. 719 00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:13,520 Don't take plastic. 720 00:36:13,600 --> 00:36:14,920 You astonish me. 721 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,040 So... 722 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,000 There's a village called Tadfield, in Oxfordshire. 723 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,400 Send your best people down there. 724 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:24,960 I'm looking for a boy. He's about 11. 725 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:26,480 I don't have anything more than that. 726 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:30,280 But look for anything... strange. 727 00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,320 This, uh, boy... 728 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:35,920 he's a witch? 729 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:37,440 Possibly. 730 00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:39,560 We'll have to find him first, won't we? 731 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:41,120 Aye. [chuckles] 732 00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:42,640 Well, my best operative, 733 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:46,280 that would be Witchfinder Lieutenant Table. 734 00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:47,960 Call me if you find anything. 735 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:49,840 Witchfinder Sergeant Pepper. 736 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:51,360 All my family have had occult powers, 737 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:53,000 going all the way back. 738 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:55,160 -[Dog whining] -We can find ley lines. 739 00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:57,200 Right. What's ley lines? 740 00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:01,040 Invisible lines of force linking places of power. 741 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,560 Amazing there being all these invisible lines of force around 742 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:04,840 and me not seeing them. 743 00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:06,120 We can see auras. 744 00:37:06,160 --> 00:37:07,960 And they are? 745 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:10,840 This coloured forcefield surrounding someone. 746 00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:12,280 Everyone's got one. 747 00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:14,560 And I can look at its strengths and colour 748 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:16,640 and tell you how you're feeling. 749 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,200 That's brilliant. Why don't they teach us about them at school? 750 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:21,640 Because school is a repressive tool of the state. 751 00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,640 So, what colour's my aura then? 752 00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:32,080 Adam, I can't see your aura. 753 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:33,480 You said everybody's got one. 754 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:34,800 I don't know, hon. 755 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:37,120 It's an art, not a science. 756 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:38,560 So, what else don't they teach us at school? 757 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:39,960 They're clubbing baby seals. 758 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:41,440 They're cutting down the rain forest 759 00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:42,680 so you can get a cheap hamburger. 760 00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:44,320 Watch out for genetically modified food. 761 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:46,120 Don't get me started on global warming. 762 00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:48,560 And that's because whales have huge brains, 763 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:50,120 and they're hunting them for no reason. 764 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:51,360 Nuclear power stations. 765 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:52,880 Nuclear power stations are rubbish. 766 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,680 Yes! Yes, they are. 767 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:56,360 We went to one on a school trip, 768 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:57,600 and there was nothing bubbling, 769 00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,120 and there wasn't any green smoke, 770 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:00,880 and there weren't anyone in those space suits. 771 00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:02,680 -And it was so dull. -Well, yes, 772 00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:04,920 but we need to get rid of them. 773 00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:06,960 Serves them right for not bubbling. 774 00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:11,120 -[bell jingling] -Adam, I have to get back to work. 775 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:14,680 But if you're interested in any of this stuff, 776 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:16,680 I have some old magazines here. 777 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,960 You don't have to read them if you don't want. 778 00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:22,160 Wicked. 779 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:32,160 [God] It might have helped Anathema 780 00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:33,680 to understand what was going on, 781 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:35,440 if she understood the very simple reason 782 00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,520 why she couldn't see Adam's aura. 783 00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:40,880 It's for the same reason that people in Times Square 784 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:42,440 can't see America. 785 00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:50,840 [Gabriel] So, Aziraphale... 786 00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:53,040 got your message. 787 00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,520 Have you got something big? 788 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:56,960 Lay it on us. 789 00:38:57,040 --> 00:38:58,640 I'm sorry? 790 00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:00,880 What's happening? 791 00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:04,960 OK, ahem, so... 792 00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:06,400 Well, ahem... 793 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:09,960 It's-- It's about the Antichrist. 794 00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:11,360 [Uriel] Yes? 795 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,560 [Aziraphale] I think that, um... 796 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,520 Well, it's not impossible, 797 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,360 uh, considering all-- 798 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,320 all the alternatives that the-- 799 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:24,800 the other side, 800 00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:27,080 might have lost track of him. [laughs nervously] 801 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,120 The "other side"? 802 00:39:33,920 --> 00:39:35,160 [Gabriel] Lost track of him? 803 00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:36,760 He's the son of the U.S. ambassador. 804 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:38,680 He's under constant surveillance. 805 00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,560 The other side are currently transporting him 806 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:43,160 to the plains of Megiddo. 807 00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:44,880 Apparently, that's the traditional starting point. 808 00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:47,560 Middle Eastern unrest. Everything else just follows. 809 00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:49,760 The Four Horsemen ride out. 810 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,080 Last great battle between Heaven and Hell. 811 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:54,200 Yes. Well, um... 812 00:39:54,320 --> 00:39:58,440 it's possible that the demon, Crowley, 813 00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:00,960 a-a-a wily adversary... 814 00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:02,160 [laughs nervously] 815 00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,600 Keeps me on my toes, I can tell you. 816 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:12,120 But the, um, ambassador's, uh, son, uh... 817 00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:15,080 -Well, it may have been a ruse. -A ruse? 818 00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:19,800 And the actual Antichrist might be, um... 819 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:23,120 somewhere else. 820 00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,600 Where? 821 00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,000 Not sure. 822 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:34,680 I mean, I-I-I could find out. 823 00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:39,840 I have a team of... agents. 824 00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:41,960 A dedicated team who-- 825 00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,680 who would investigate the possibility. 826 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:46,280 Um... 827 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,400 hypothetically speaking, 828 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:49,840 if that were the case-- 829 00:40:49,920 --> 00:40:52,040 It wouldn't change anything, Aziraphale. 830 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:53,640 There was war in Heaven 831 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:57,160 long before the Earth was created. 832 00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:58,480 Crowley and the rest were cast out, 833 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:00,800 but nothing was ever really settled. 834 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:02,520 I suppose it wasn't. 835 00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:08,160 But there doesn't have to be another war, does there? 836 00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:11,400 As much as we appreciate your hypotheticals, Aziraphale, 837 00:41:11,480 --> 00:41:14,080 I'm afraid we have other things to do. 838 00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,680 The Earth isn't going to just end itself, you know. 839 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,160 No. Yes. Right. 840 00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:33,840 [device humming] 841 00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:47,920 Hello. 842 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:56,560 [indistinct chattering] 843 00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:00,600 Hello. 844 00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:19,200 R.P. Tyler. 845 00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:20,680 Neighbourhood watch. 846 00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,000 I couldn't help but notice, young person, 847 00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,920 that you have a map. 848 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,600 Casing the joint, are we? 849 00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:28,520 I'm-- I'm renting Jasmine Cottage. 850 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:31,520 Oh, good Lord, you're an American tourist. 851 00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:34,920 Sorry. Thought you were a person of interest. 852 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,520 Oh, I-- I am. 853 00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:38,320 Listen, 11 years ago, 854 00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:39,800 something came to this village. 855 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:43,360 Some sort of beast or creature. 856 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:44,600 And if you're neighbourhood watch, 857 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:47,200 maybe you noticed. 858 00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:49,640 Tadfield is a perfectly respectable village. 859 00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:52,680 If you're coming here to smoke your fatty spliffers 860 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:54,640 and bimble off to woo-woo land, 861 00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:57,760 then I suggest that you go elsewhere. 862 00:42:57,840 --> 00:42:59,440 Like back to America. 863 00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:01,600 [dog barking] 864 00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:06,680 "Fatty spliffers"? 865 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,680 What did you think of that, then? 866 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:17,960 That's an angel who's been down there too long. 867 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:20,680 I don't trust him. 868 00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,120 Hypotheticals, indeed. 869 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:30,040 [phone rings] 870 00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:34,960 [ringing continues] 871 00:43:38,800 --> 00:43:41,160 [ringing continues] 872 00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,400 [in posh accent] Hello. 873 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,480 [Aziraphale, on phone] Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell, please. 874 00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:49,080 Or, um, one of his officers. 875 00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:51,840 [Tracy] I shall endeavour to see if he is available. 876 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,200 Hold on. 877 00:43:58,920 --> 00:44:00,640 Coo-ee, Mr Shadwell. 878 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:02,920 Oh, hello, dear. 879 00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:04,440 Hello, Madame Tracy. 880 00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:08,640 Away with you, harlot. 881 00:44:08,720 --> 00:44:10,840 There's a gentleman on the telephone for you. 882 00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,160 Sounds ever so refined. 883 00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,920 And I'll be getting a nice bit of liver for us for Sunday. 884 00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:17,360 I'd sooner sup with the devil. 885 00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:25,640 So if you could just give me the plates back from last week. 886 00:44:25,720 --> 00:44:27,000 There's a love. 887 00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:29,600 -Aye? -[door closes] 888 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:31,120 [Aziraphale] Sergeant Shadwell. 889 00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:33,320 -It's you-know-who. -Who? 890 00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,960 Me. Your, um, sponsor. 891 00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:40,240 Listen, do you have any men free? 892 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:42,560 I need them to poke about a bit. 893 00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:43,880 Poke? 894 00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,760 Where exactly do you want them poking? 895 00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:47,000 Tadfield. 896 00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:48,720 It's a small town in Oxfordshire. 897 00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,720 There's a boy I need placed under observation. 898 00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:53,160 I-I need to know where he is at all times. 899 00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:55,080 I can give you his address. 900 00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:57,120 I'll put a squad of my best men onto it. 901 00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,400 Oh, good. Thank you so much. 902 00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:02,000 [Aziraphale] Oh, and I should have asked about Witchfinder Major Milkbottle. 903 00:45:02,080 --> 00:45:04,520 I was so sorry to hear of his untimely end. 904 00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:06,400 I sent flowers. 905 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:08,680 Aye, the flowers were appreciated. 906 00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,560 And so was the extra £20 for the family. 907 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:13,800 He was a brave man. 908 00:45:13,880 --> 00:45:17,120 Oh, I was flabbergasted when you told me how he died. 909 00:45:17,200 --> 00:45:18,720 Aye. A brave man. 910 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,800 I'll be by the bookstore, um, next week 911 00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,120 to pick up your annual dues. 912 00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:25,680 Squad of best men to Tadfield, dear fellow. 913 00:45:25,760 --> 00:45:28,640 And keep them there until I give you more orders. 914 00:45:28,720 --> 00:45:30,520 Now, the boy is called... 915 00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:32,560 Adam Young. 916 00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:37,520 And his address is number four, Hogback Lane, Tadfield. 917 00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:38,720 Have you got it? 918 00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:40,320 [Shadwell] Absolutely, Your Honour. 919 00:45:40,400 --> 00:45:42,840 -Tadfield it is. -Right. Pip-pip. 920 00:45:42,920 --> 00:45:45,240 And let me know when your men are in position. 921 00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:48,400 Pip-pip. 922 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:49,920 Great southern pansy. 923 00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:57,640 Find any witches yet, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer? 924 00:45:57,720 --> 00:45:59,280 Even better than that. 925 00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:01,280 I found something really interesting. 926 00:46:01,360 --> 00:46:02,840 Hmm. 927 00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:04,560 I've discovered some unusual weather patterns. 928 00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:06,600 There's a town in Oxfordshire 929 00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:08,000 with some very strange weather events. 930 00:46:08,080 --> 00:46:09,640 Oh? Raining blood? 931 00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,160 Or raining fish? 932 00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:14,120 Satanic frost in summer withering the crops 933 00:46:14,200 --> 00:46:16,880 after some hag got into an argument with a farmer? 934 00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:19,920 No. It's just... 935 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:24,320 it always has perfect weather for the time of year. 936 00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:27,160 You call that a phenomenon? 937 00:46:27,240 --> 00:46:29,200 Normal weather for the time of year isn't normal. 938 00:46:29,280 --> 00:46:31,960 Crisp autumns, long, hot Augusts. 939 00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:34,160 The kind of weather you used to dream of as a kid. 940 00:46:34,240 --> 00:46:37,160 [Newt] It's snowed there every Christmas Eve for the last 11 years. 941 00:46:37,240 --> 00:46:38,840 Not interested. 942 00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:42,160 Just look for witches and witch-caused phenomenon-enoms. 943 00:46:44,240 --> 00:46:47,800 [God] He called himself "Dr Raven Sable", 944 00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:50,400 but you know him by another name. 945 00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:52,920 He loves hunger. 946 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,960 He loves people not eating enough in fancy restaurants. 947 00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:57,800 Your main course, madam. 948 00:46:57,880 --> 00:47:00,320 Chicken froth on a reduction of broccoli gel 949 00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:02,160 with a mushroom foam. 950 00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:04,400 And the chef recommends that you have this first. 951 00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:07,120 A balloon filled with lavender-scented air. 952 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:09,120 It is the first course. 953 00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:12,600 [Sable] It just occurred to me. 954 00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:15,920 I've never seen a room full of rich people so hungry before. 955 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,920 [God] He's a businessman with a chain of restaurants. 956 00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:20,880 And he's about to launch something new. 957 00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:23,480 Chow: food-free food. 958 00:47:23,560 --> 00:47:26,760 ["Hound Dog" playing] 959 00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:28,920 Artificial bun. Artificial burger. 960 00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:31,320 Fries that have never seen a potato. 961 00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:32,760 Foodless sauces. 962 00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,600 And... we're rather proud of this: 963 00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:39,280 a completely artificial dill pickle. 964 00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:42,000 The shake doesn't contain any actual food content either. 965 00:47:42,080 --> 00:47:45,200 Well, nobody's shakes contain any actual food content. 966 00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:47,080 OK, let's try it out. 967 00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:54,280 Press this button when you hand over the Chow. 968 00:47:54,360 --> 00:47:57,560 And don't call it "food". It's Chow. 969 00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:01,280 [electronic voice] Chow-brand unfood contains spun, 970 00:48:01,360 --> 00:48:02,720 plaited and woven protein molecules 971 00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:04,280 designed to be ignored by your digestive enzymes, 972 00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:05,960 no-cal sweeteners, oil replacements, fibrous materials, 973 00:48:06,040 --> 00:48:07,120 colourings and flavourings. Chow is an edible substance 974 00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:09,200 and must not be confused with food. 975 00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:11,040 Eating Chow can help you to lose weight, hair and kidney functions. 976 00:48:11,120 --> 00:48:12,720 May cause anal leakage. Enjoy your meal. 977 00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:14,880 Party, name of Sable? 978 00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:16,880 I thought it was you. 979 00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,680 I looked around, I thought, "Tall gent with a beard, nice suit." 980 00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,200 [Int'l. Express Man] There's a package for you, sir. You have to sign for it. 981 00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,600 [man singing indistinctly] 982 00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:31,000 [man singing "Hound Dog"] 983 00:48:31,080 --> 00:48:34,120 ["Hound Dog" and kitchen chatter continue] 984 00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,800 -[Frannie gasps] -[Sable] The measuring scales. 985 00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:39,600 Finally. 986 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,160 I'm flying to England. 987 00:48:41,240 --> 00:48:43,280 I'll let the jet know. When are you returning? 988 00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,440 Who knows? 989 00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:46,720 Cancel all my appointments. 990 00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:48,080 For how long? 991 00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:49,840 -The foreseeable future. -[box snaps closed] 992 00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:06,640 Sergeant Shadwell, 993 00:49:06,720 --> 00:49:08,280 you know the village I was telling you about 994 00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:09,960 with the perfect weather? 995 00:49:11,240 --> 00:49:13,120 Well, according to the manual, 996 00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:15,760 witches can influence the weather. 997 00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:18,440 What if I was to sort of nip over there tomorrow, 998 00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,000 have a little look round? 999 00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:21,760 I could pay for my own petrol. 1000 00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:25,480 This village, it wouldn't be called Tadfield, would it? 1001 00:49:25,560 --> 00:49:27,440 How did you know that? 1002 00:49:27,520 --> 00:49:29,800 Aye. 1003 00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:31,520 Well, I suppose it can't do any harm. 1004 00:49:31,600 --> 00:49:35,200 Be here at 9:00 in the morning, afore you leave. 1005 00:49:35,280 --> 00:49:38,080 What for? 1006 00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:40,280 Your armour of righteousness. 1007 00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:43,600 [phone rings] 1008 00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:45,120 [Crowley, on phone] It's me. 1009 00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,040 Meet me at the third alternative rendezvous. 1010 00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:49,560 Is that the old bandstand, the number 19 bus, 1011 00:49:49,640 --> 00:49:51,040 or the British Museum café? 1012 00:49:51,120 --> 00:49:53,840 The bandstand. I'll be there in 15 minutes. 1013 00:49:53,920 --> 00:49:56,040 -[crows cawing] -[TV plays in background] 1014 00:49:56,120 --> 00:49:58,880 Dad, did you know that there are ley lines everywhere? 1015 00:49:58,960 --> 00:50:01,520 No, Adam. Ley lines are rubbish. 1016 00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:03,600 Oh, you'll like this bit, Deirdre. 1017 00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:06,520 They've taped the gun under the chair. 1018 00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:08,280 -[laughs] -It's not rubbish. 1019 00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,240 They wouldn't write about it in magazines if it was rubbish. 1020 00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:14,640 [laughing] 1021 00:50:14,720 --> 00:50:16,560 There's people from Tibet watching everything we do 1022 00:50:16,640 --> 00:50:18,200 through hidden tunnels. 1023 00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:20,960 -[woman on TV, indistinct] -[suspenseful music swells] 1024 00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:24,520 I think I might go to bed early, actually. 1025 00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:33,960 [whispers] Do you think he's alright? 1026 00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:35,520 He's fine. 1027 00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:51,320 [Crowley] Well? 1028 00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:56,120 -Any news? -Um... 1029 00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:58,160 What-what kind of news would that be? 1030 00:50:58,240 --> 00:51:00,200 Well, have you found the missing Antichrist's name, 1031 00:51:00,280 --> 00:51:02,040 address and shoe size yet? 1032 00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:04,680 His shoe size? Why-- Why would I have his shoe size? 1033 00:51:04,760 --> 00:51:07,560 It's a joke. I've got nothing either. 1034 00:51:07,640 --> 00:51:09,960 It's the Great Plan, Crowley. 1035 00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:11,480 Yeah. For the record, 1036 00:51:11,560 --> 00:51:15,080 great pustulent mangled bollocks 1037 00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:18,160 to the Great blasted Plan! 1038 00:51:18,240 --> 00:51:19,640 May you be forgiven. 1039 00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:22,320 I won't be forgiven. 1040 00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:24,000 Not ever. 1041 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:25,840 That's part of a demon's job description. 1042 00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:28,200 Unforgiveable. That's what I am. 1043 00:51:28,280 --> 00:51:29,880 You were an angel once. 1044 00:51:29,960 --> 00:51:31,440 That was a long time ago. 1045 00:51:34,200 --> 00:51:36,280 We find the boy. My agents can do it. 1046 00:51:36,360 --> 00:51:37,520 And then what? 1047 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:40,120 We eliminate him? 1048 00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:42,520 Someone does. I'm not personally up for killing kids. 1049 00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:43,880 You're the demon. I'm the nice one. 1050 00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:45,120 I don't have to kill children. 1051 00:51:45,200 --> 00:51:46,520 -Uh-uh-uh... -If you kill him, 1052 00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:47,960 then the world gets a reprieve 1053 00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:50,080 and Heaven does not have blood on its hands. 1054 00:51:50,160 --> 00:51:51,560 Oh, no blood on your hands? 1055 00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:53,400 That's a bit holier-than-thou, isn't it? 1056 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,560 I am a great deal holier than thou. That's the whole point. 1057 00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:57,400 You should kill the boy yourself. 1058 00:51:57,480 --> 00:51:58,680 Holi-ly. 1059 00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:02,360 I am not killing anybody. 1060 00:52:04,440 --> 00:52:06,240 This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. 1061 00:52:06,320 --> 00:52:08,080 I don't even know why I'm still talking to you. 1062 00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:09,720 -Well, frankly, neither do I. -Enough, I'm leaving. 1063 00:52:09,800 --> 00:52:11,120 You can't leave, Crowley. 1064 00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:12,360 There isn't anywhere to go. 1065 00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:15,360 It's a big universe. 1066 00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,560 Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, 1067 00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:18,880 we can go off together. 1068 00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:22,640 Go off together? 1069 00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:25,800 Listen to yourself. 1070 00:52:25,880 --> 00:52:27,760 How long have we been friends? 1071 00:52:27,840 --> 00:52:29,240 Six thousand years! 1072 00:52:29,320 --> 00:52:30,920 Friends? We're not friends. 1073 00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,720 We are an angel and a demon. 1074 00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:36,480 We have nothing whatsoever in common. 1075 00:52:36,560 --> 00:52:38,920 -I don't even like you. -You do. 1076 00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:40,880 Even if I did know where the Antichrist was, 1077 00:52:40,960 --> 00:52:42,920 I wouldn't tell you. We're on opposite sides. 1078 00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:45,240 We're on our side. 1079 00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:47,080 There is no "our side", Crowley. 1080 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:48,800 Not anymore. 1081 00:52:48,880 --> 00:52:50,120 It's over. 1082 00:52:53,000 --> 00:52:54,520 Right. 1083 00:52:57,480 --> 00:52:58,960 Well, then... 1084 00:52:59,960 --> 00:53:00,960 [grunts] 1085 00:53:04,400 --> 00:53:05,960 Have a nice doomsday. 1086 00:53:12,520 --> 00:53:14,920 [TV plays in background, muffled] 1087 00:53:31,360 --> 00:53:32,960 Brilliant. 1088 00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:54,360 [voices, whispering] You can do it. 1089 00:53:54,440 --> 00:53:57,920 [voices overlapping] 1090 00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:03,360 It's getting closer. 1091 00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,080 It's getting stronger. 1092 00:54:05,160 --> 00:54:07,800 [Klaxon siren wails] 1093 00:54:07,880 --> 00:54:10,680 [whispers continue] 1094 00:54:10,760 --> 00:54:12,480 [whispers fade] 1095 00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:20,240 [alarm continues] 1096 00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:24,640 -That's a bit-- -[man] Impossible. 1097 00:54:27,200 --> 00:54:28,520 Is this a joke? 1098 00:54:28,600 --> 00:54:30,360 [woman] 240 megawatts of power 1099 00:54:30,440 --> 00:54:32,680 are currently being produced by this power station, Eric. 1100 00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:35,200 It's just, according to our indicators, 1101 00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,480 nothing's producing them. 1102 00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:39,560 What do you mean I have to authorise it? 1103 00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:42,000 Is there anyone else? 1104 00:54:42,080 --> 00:54:44,000 I know I'm the minister. 1105 00:54:45,360 --> 00:54:47,600 Well, then, yes. 1106 00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:50,040 I authorise you to open the bloody thing up. 1107 00:54:53,440 --> 00:54:56,640 [Geiger counter clicking] 1108 00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:05,800 [woman] Oh. 1109 00:55:05,880 --> 00:55:07,360 There's something you don't see every day. 1110 00:55:07,440 --> 00:55:11,280 An enormous room without a nuclear reactor in it. 1111 00:55:11,360 --> 00:55:14,680 But... there's nothing there. 1112 00:55:14,760 --> 00:55:16,600 Not nothing, chief. 1113 00:55:19,000 --> 00:55:20,880 [woman] It looks like a sherbet lemon. 1114 00:55:23,440 --> 00:55:26,280 [indistinct, overlapping whispers resume] 1115 00:55:28,040 --> 00:55:31,840 Mend it all. End it all. 1116 00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:35,040 End it all. 1117 00:55:37,720 --> 00:55:39,640 [upbeat theme music plays]