1 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,320 Captain's log, Pleasure Cruiser Morbillo. 2 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,120 We were sailing south-southwest on course for Havana 3 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,000 when we realised something was amiss. 4 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,000 [man] What's that on the horizon? 5 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,960 But that's impossible. 6 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,000 It appears a vast expanse of seabed 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,920 has risen beneath us in the night. 8 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,720 Strange people in long robes and diving helmets 9 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,440 have come aboard the ship and are mingling happily with the passengers, 10 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,120 who think that we have organised this for their amusement. 11 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:50,080 The High Priest has just won the Quoits contest. 12 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:53,400 [voices, whispering] Make it happen. Make it real. 13 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,240 Make it happen. Make it real. 14 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:00,480 Make it happen. Make it real. 15 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,600 Make it happen. 16 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,320 Make it real. 17 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,680 Make it happen. 18 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,520 [voices continue, overlapping] 19 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,520 Adam, I still don't understand the thing you were telling us 20 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,280 about alien spaceships. 21 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,560 If I was an alien, I wouldn't be going around giving messages 22 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,280 of universal peace and goodwill. 23 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,400 I'd say, "This is a laser blaster. 24 00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,000 Prepare to die, rebel swine." 25 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,120 I'd say that too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer. 26 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,720 -Or, "Exterminate." -[laughs] 27 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,360 Obviously, the aliens used to do that. 28 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,800 Now they give messages of global peace and cosmic harmony, 29 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,320 and the government hushes it all up. 30 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,760 -Why? -It's what they do. 31 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,520 They hush up aliens and nuclear reactors, 32 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,640 and the people from Tibet who have secret tunnels 33 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,760 and are listening to everything we say. 34 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,160 Adam, I don't think this stuff is, 35 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,760 you know... real. 36 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:49,920 [growls] 37 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,440 Things on the Internet can be made up. 38 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,080 This is magazines. 39 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,680 Of course it's real. Just like the City of Atlantis. 40 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,760 Actually, I don't think Atlantis is a thing. 41 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,520 It's under the sea. And people live there. 42 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,960 How can they breathe? 43 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,640 I bet they wear diving helmets. 44 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:06,680 -[Adam] That's right. -Do you believe that's true? 45 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,400 Of course it's true. What I say is true. 46 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,680 That's not the only news we're hearing from the ocean. 47 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,560 Some initial reports claim that the land that's risen 48 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,800 in the Atlantic is the sunken continent of Atlantis. 49 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,160 This photograph of so-called Atlanteans 50 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,280 has been posted by passengers on a holiday cruise ship. 51 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,880 Strange times indeed. 52 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,080 [theme music plays] 53 00:02:35,104 --> 00:02:41,104 ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA PSArips.com 54 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,360 Hmm. 55 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,520 -It's me. -I know it's you, Aziraphale. 56 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,080 Yes. Right. Look, we need to get word upstairs to the... 57 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,480 to the-- to the Big Boss. 58 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,720 There-- there's been prophecies. 59 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,560 What's in human prophecies that matters to us? 60 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:30,160 Well, er, the Kraken wakes and rises from the sea floor. 61 00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:32,560 So does Atlantis. And the rain forests return. 62 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,560 And that's just for starters. 63 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,120 Armageddon is coming, 64 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,120 and I'm fairly certain it starts today. 65 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,560 Just after teatime. 66 00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,040 Exactly. Right on schedule. What's your point? 67 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,200 Look, will you please stop, just for a minute? Please. 68 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,800 [panting] 69 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,480 -Well? -I just... 70 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,360 I just thought there was something we could do. 71 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,920 There is. We can fight. And we can win. 72 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,760 But there doesn't have to be a war. 73 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,120 Of course there does. Otherwise, how would we win it? 74 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:01,720 Hmm? 75 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,920 Now look, wrap up whatever you need to wrap up down here. 76 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,080 Report back to active service and... 77 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,440 [sighs] 78 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:10,800 ...lose the gut. 79 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:12,920 Come on. 80 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,320 You're a lean, mean fighting machine. 81 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,680 [laughs] What are you? 82 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,240 I'm... 83 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:23,520 I'm soft. 84 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,320 -[gasps] -Almost forgot. 85 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,600 According to our records, 86 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,360 you were issued a flaming sword. 87 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,800 You didn't lose that? 88 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,240 What, like I... 89 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,400 I'd just give it away or something? 90 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,440 [God] Two items have been delivered. 91 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,680 Two Horsemen are preparing to ride. 92 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,600 The last two deliveries still need to be made. 93 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:53,960 Lesley. 94 00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:55,480 Come back to bed. 95 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,560 [Lesley] I can't, love. I got deliveries to make. 96 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,960 On a Saturday morning? 97 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,600 Well, at least it's local. Two jobs and I'm done. 98 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,040 [Maud] Lesley. 99 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,080 Who are these deliveries for? 100 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,680 I don't know, love. 101 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,520 Someone important. 102 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,200 Head office said the job was booked about 6,000 years ago. 103 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:13,560 They were joking. 104 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,200 Well, the company's only 80 years old. 105 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:16,840 But I saw the paperwork. 106 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,400 Anyway... 107 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,880 ours is not to reason why. 108 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:26,560 Ours... is to deliver packages. 109 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,520 I love you... 110 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,480 tiger. 111 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,720 I love you, Maud. 112 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:33,800 [kiss] 113 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:36,600 [laughs] 114 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,880 I may be out of line here, 115 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,720 but I've been following up on Aziraphale's comments 116 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,600 during our last meeting. 117 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,840 I went back through the Earth observation files. 118 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,040 I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation. 119 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,600 'Course. 120 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,440 Would you have any objection to me following this up 121 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,800 using back channels? 122 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,520 There are no back channels, Michael. 123 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,920 [Michael] It's me. 124 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,360 It's our man Aziraphale. 125 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,960 Is there any possibility he's working for you? 126 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,160 No? 127 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,640 Well, then, you might want to investigate the activities 128 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,760 of the demon Crowley. 129 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,800 Might be playing his own game. 130 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,520 Word to the wise. 131 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,720 No, I'm... I'm telling you, you can't trust him. 132 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:54,320 Of course you can trust me. 133 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:56,760 I'm an angel. 134 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,760 [blows] 135 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:02,080 [distant shrill ringing] 136 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,640 Crowley. Crowley. Crowley. 137 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,840 What have you been playing at? 138 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,480 [Crowley] Where should I go? 139 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,640 England's out. 140 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,480 America's out. 141 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,760 Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday. 142 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,360 It exists today. Still out. 143 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,880 The moon. 144 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:43,440 No atmosphere. No nightlife. 145 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,760 Alpha Centauri. 146 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,840 That's always nice this time of year. 147 00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:53,960 Beautiful nebula. Look at that. 148 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,760 I helped build that one. 149 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,440 I only ever asked questions. 150 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,840 That's all it took to be a demon in the old days. 151 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,200 Great Plan? 152 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,760 God, you listening? 153 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,160 Show me a Great Plan. 154 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:14,480 Okay, I know you're testing them, 155 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,160 you said you were going to be testing them. 156 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,760 You shouldn't test them to destruction. 157 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,520 Not to the end of the world. 158 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:41,760 [whistling] 159 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,960 [lorry horn blares] 160 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,760 Shouldn't be allowed. Bloody lorries. 161 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,880 No respect for other road users. 162 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:03,880 [God] In the old days, and it wasn't that long ago, really, 163 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960 there was an angler every dozen yards, 164 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,520 children played here, 165 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,440 courting couples came here to hold hands 166 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,240 and to get all lovey-dovey in the Sussex sunset. 167 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,640 He did that with Maud before they were married. 168 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,400 They came here to spoon 169 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,640 and, on one memorable occasion, fork. 170 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,080 Party by the name of Chalky, sir? 171 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,080 Look at that river. 172 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,480 [Lesley] Yes, sir. It's the pollution. 173 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,280 Progress, you could call it. 174 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:37,640 It's just so... damn beautiful. 175 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,520 [Lesley] It's a funny old world, though, isn't it? And no mistake. 176 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,880 I mean, you go all over the world delivering, 177 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,120 and then you wind up practically in your own backyard, 178 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,360 so to speak. 179 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:47,600 I've been to Africa, 180 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:48,880 and Des Moines. 181 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,280 That's in America, sir. 182 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,760 And now here I am. 183 00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:53,160 And here's your parcel, sir. 184 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,440 You have to sign for it. 185 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,000 There you go. 186 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,080 Red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning. 187 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:00,280 Or is it sailor's warning? 188 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,560 Everybody's warning. 189 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,680 [God] The third of the Four Horsemen 190 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,200 took over when Pestilence retired. 191 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,600 Erm... 192 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,120 [God] They've had lots of interesting jobs 193 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,040 in lots of interesting places. 194 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,160 Helped design the petrol engine, 195 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,520 plastics and high-tech weed killers. 196 00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,160 They've killed as many people as Famine or as War. 197 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,160 This is Pollution. 198 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,160 [sighs] 199 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,360 [birds tweeting] 200 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,200 [lorry horn blares] 201 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,880 [gasps] 202 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,680 That one nearly had me. 203 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,160 [sighs] 204 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:52,440 Oh. 205 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,600 [Death] I'm afraid so. 206 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,760 [Int'l Express Man] I've got a message for you, sir. 207 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,800 It's not a package. 208 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,360 It's a message. 209 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,120 [Death] Deliver it, then. 210 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,560 It's just this. 211 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,680 "Come and see." 212 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,840 Finally! 213 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,200 What does it mean, sir? 214 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,600 It's a call to action. 215 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,600 War and Famine. 216 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,840 Pollution and Death. 217 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,480 Today, we ride. 218 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:28,080 Now, don't think of it as dying. 219 00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:31,120 Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush. 220 00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,760 Have you got any more of the New Aquarians? 221 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,120 'Cause we need to know everything. 222 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,680 You read the ones I gave you already? 223 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,080 Yeah, sure. Hold on. 224 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,400 Do you kids want some candy? 225 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,760 It's chocolate. 226 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,120 -We don't take sweets from-- -Witches. 227 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,840 I do. 228 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:09,120 [man on radio] And he's back on the line to James Knockey. 229 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,400 [second man on radio] So, could what happened 230 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,200 at Turning Point Nuclear Power Station 231 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,400 be terrorist activity? 232 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:16,000 [third man on radio] Could be! 233 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,560 All we need to do is find some terrorists capable of removing 234 00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,560 an entire nuclear reactor 235 00:14:20,640 --> 00:14:23,520 while it's still running without anyone noticing. 236 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,480 [second man] How can it still be producing electricity 237 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,800 if it hasn't got any reactors? 238 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,120 [third man] We don't know that. 239 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,640 We were hoping you clever buggers at the BBC 240 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,280 would have an idea. 241 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:36,680 Attention! 242 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,000 This is our country. 243 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,760 It's under our protection. 244 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:41,840 Wish I was going with you. 245 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,040 [chuckles] 246 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,480 I'm too old now. 247 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:45,880 No more lying in the bracken, 248 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,760 spying on their evil ways. 249 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:51,000 It's all up to you now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 250 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,280 Find this Adam Young and keep an eye on him. 251 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,320 Shouldn't there be a few more of us 252 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,760 if we're protecting the entire country from witches? 253 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,960 Nobody said it would be easy, Private Pulsifer. 254 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:03,640 Here. Put this on. 255 00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,640 [chuckles] 256 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,680 Pendulum of Discovery. 257 00:15:14,760 --> 00:15:17,000 Pendulum of Discovery. 258 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:18,520 Thumbscrews. 259 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,320 -Oh, I-- I don't think I'll-- -Thumbscrew! 260 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,680 Thumbscrew. 261 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,360 Firelighters. 262 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,000 I'm not actually prepared to burn anyone. 263 00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:26,920 -Firelighters! -Firelighters. 264 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,520 -Bell. -Bell. 265 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,480 -Book. -Book. 266 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,480 And candle. 267 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,400 Bell. Book. Candle. 268 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,640 What are they for? 269 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:38,040 You might have to exorcise a demon. 270 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,800 How do I do that? 271 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,800 Ring the bell. 272 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:43,040 Light the candle. 273 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,400 Read the book? 274 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,320 There'll be no time for light reading 275 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,600 when you're under demonic attack, laddie. 276 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,160 And finally... 277 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,320 pin. 278 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,000 Pin? 279 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:59,600 Aye. It's the bayonet in your army of light. 280 00:16:01,720 --> 00:16:03,000 Right. 281 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,000 Well, off to Tadfield, then. 282 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,600 Off you go, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. 283 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,880 And may the armies of glory march beside you. 284 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:15,880 [Shadwell chuckles] 285 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,240 [God] The world was changing. 286 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,760 What Adam believed was true 287 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,800 was beginning to happen in reality. 288 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,200 [man speaking Tibetan] 289 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:41,720 [speaking Tibetan] 290 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,400 [eerie humming] 291 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:50,800 [UFO whirring] 292 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,640 [engine sputters off] 293 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,520 Morning, sir, madam or neuter. 294 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,080 This your planet, is it? 295 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,040 Yes, I suppose so. 296 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,320 -Had it long, have we? -[Pulsifer] Not personally. 297 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,040 As a species, about half a million years, I think. 298 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:28,240 Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven't we, sir? 299 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,960 Been letting ourselves go with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps? 300 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,280 Sorry? 301 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,720 Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you, sir, 302 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,440 but your polar ice caps are significantly below 303 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,200 regulation size for a planet of this category, sir. 304 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,640 We'll overlook it on this occasion. 305 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,080 The fact is, sir, we've been asked to bring you a message. 306 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,760 Oh? Me? 307 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:49,800 Message runs, "We bring you a message of universal peace, 308 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,800 cosmic harmony, and suchlike." 309 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,240 Message ends. 310 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,080 Oh, that's very kind. 311 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,200 Have you any idea why we've been asked to bring you this message, sir? 312 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:03,320 I suppose what with man's harnessing of the atom and, er-- 313 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,520 Neither have we, sir. 314 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:06,880 Neither have we. 315 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,320 You what? 316 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:12,080 [Pulsifer] I just got pulled over by aliens. 317 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:13,200 Did you count their nipples? 318 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:15,800 -I didn't think-- -You're a witchfinder, 319 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,320 not an alien finder. 320 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:18,320 [sighs] 321 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,000 But I'll make a note of it. 322 00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,080 I don't know if this is in your New Aquarian magazines, 323 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,440 but I was thinking we ought to save the whales. 324 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,200 -Whales can sing, actually. -[Dog barks] 325 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,520 And they have very big brains. 326 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,720 And there's hardly any of them left. 327 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:36,240 If they're so clever, 328 00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,560 what are they doing in the sea all day? 329 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:42,280 Just swimming and eating things 330 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,000 and singing and-- Oh, my God, I want to be a whale. 331 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:46,240 Right. 332 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:47,680 We'll save the whales, then. 333 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:49,760 All of them. 334 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,880 [God] This is not a whaling ship. 335 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,760 This is a scientific research ship. 336 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,520 Currently what it is researching is the question, 337 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,000 How many whales can it catch in a week? 338 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,440 They see no whales on the radar, no tuna, 339 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,160 nothing bigger than an anchovy. 340 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:06,800 And now, the sea bottom appears to be dropping. 341 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:10,560 [speaking Japanese] 342 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,640 [God] Beneath the thunders of the upper deep, 343 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:21,760 far, far beneath in the abyssal sea, 344 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,320 the Kraken sleepeth. 345 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,520 And now it's waking up. 346 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,320 [alarm blares] 347 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:30,880 [woman on TV] Scientists have pronounced themselves baffled 348 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,080 by the appearance of the enormous sea creature, 349 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:36,400 which the Internet has begun to refer to as "the Kraken", 350 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,800 -after the sea beast of legend. -What? 351 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,040 It appears to be targeting whaling ships, 352 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:44,640 according to a spokesman for the Japanese government. 353 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:48,200 [God] And a million sushi dinners cry out for vengeance. 354 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,960 [man sobbing incoherently] 355 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:05,080 I've been thinking... about Crowley. 356 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,560 -Something's not right. -Oh, look at this. 357 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,640 I meant to be getting ready to go to Megiddo to meet the boy. 358 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,800 I should be leaving now. 359 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,440 Instead, I'm standing here with a bucket, 360 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,560 waiting for maintenance to come fix another bloody pipe. 361 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,200 So, Crowley. What's Mr Slick done now? 362 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:20,800 I'm not sure. 363 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,640 But I know it's nothing good. 364 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,520 Oh. Well, that's alright, then. He's not meant to do good. 365 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,240 Figure of speech. 366 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,480 Nothing bad, then. 367 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,920 Nothing bad? 368 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,800 So... 369 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,800 he's not in trouble? 370 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,240 He's definitely in trouble. 371 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,320 -Or he will be. -We going in? 372 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,880 Not yet. We need proof. 373 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,880 But once we've got it, he's toast. 374 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,320 And that's gonna hurt. 375 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,040 What, being toasted? 376 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,160 Oh, yeah. 377 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:52,200 Right. Toast. 378 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,480 Back to Armageddon, then. 379 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,320 Look at that. 380 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,160 [alert beeps] 381 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,920 [tyres screech] 382 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,160 [Dog barking] 383 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:40,680 [crows cawing] 384 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,400 [Agnes] "When robins blue chariot inverted be, 385 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,560 three wheels in the sky, 386 00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:51,280 a man with bruises be upon your bed, 387 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,480 aching his head for willow fine." 388 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,520 [panting] 389 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,600 [groans] 390 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:03,440 He's hurt. Come on, we should do something. 391 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,000 [Brian] We should get him away from the car. It might blow up. 392 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:07,080 They do that on telly. 393 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,880 Dick Turpin won't blow up. 394 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,800 You're probably wondering why it's called Dick Turpin. 395 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:13,840 Well... 396 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,600 [sighs] 397 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:26,960 [bird squawks] 398 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,200 [demon] The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride over the plain to us, 399 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,760 and then our forces... 400 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,960 I thought "the Forces of Darkness" was a bit long, 401 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,800 so I'm calling us "Darkforce One." 402 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:42,000 We rise up, pushing through the earth, 403 00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,200 while our opposition descend from above. 404 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,040 This is Armageddon. 405 00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,560 This is where the world will end. 406 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,280 [demon] Well, that's the Greek name for it. 407 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:52,320 Technically, the fields of Megiddo. 408 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,000 Yeah. Archaeological excavations over there, 409 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:56,560 avocado fields that way. 410 00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,640 They grow avocados here? 411 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:02,040 Yes. We have a joke. 412 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,160 We say... 413 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,880 "It's going to be one big avocado." 414 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:07,960 [laughs] 415 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,600 I, er... I don't like jokes. 416 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,000 I don't do jokes. 417 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,840 And when people do jokes in my presence, 418 00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,360 they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues. 419 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,160 No, I tell a lie. 420 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:28,040 It's mostly me that swallows their tongues. 421 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,120 [roaring flame] 422 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:40,640 So, what time do the boy and the Hell Hound get here? 423 00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,680 About 20 minutes. 424 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,080 The ambassador's here for a photo op with the ruins of the temple. 425 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,320 And when they arrive, 426 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,120 our master's son will come into his own. 427 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:50,720 A photo op? 428 00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,480 What's-- what's-- what's a photo op? 429 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:54,480 Is it-- Is it another joke? 430 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,640 No, Your Disgrace. It's... 431 00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,560 Well, you know what a selfie is? 432 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,840 I believe the demon Crowley invented them. 433 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:09,320 -[sizzling] -[demon screams] 434 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:26,720 When all is ready, the boy and the dog 435 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:30,640 and the Four Horsemen will converge here. 436 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,200 And the boy will give the word. 437 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,640 And Armageddon will begin. 438 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:42,480 One... one big avocado. 439 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,480 [chuckles] 440 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,200 [laughs] 441 00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:00,640 -[Dog barking] -[Adam] Anathema, we found a man! 442 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,880 -He was in a car accident. -I know. Come in. 443 00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:10,320 Let's get him upstairs. 444 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:12,880 [snoring] 445 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:26,920 It's almost like you were expecting him. 446 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:28,280 [Anathema] I was. 447 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,840 I was hoping he wouldn't come. 448 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,200 If he didn't turn up, maybe none of it was real. 449 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,680 But if he's here... then the Beast is real. 450 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:41,640 -[Pepper] You mean Dog. -[Anathema] No. It's nothing. 451 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,240 Nothing you kids need to worry about, anyway. 452 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,480 Hey, do you guys want some sandwiches? 453 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,160 [Wensleydale] I have a very nutritious lunch waiting at home. 454 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,600 My mother likes me to come home with an appetite. 455 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:55,040 [voices whispering] Make it happen. Make it real. 456 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,840 Make it happen. Make it real. 457 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,400 Make it happen. 458 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,240 Bye, Anathema. 459 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,160 -You coming, Adam? -I didn't say you could go. 460 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,480 See you after lunch. 461 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,000 -[Brian] Adam's different. -[Pepper] Don't be wet. 462 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:18,840 [Wensleydale] Actually, that's why we like him. 463 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,080 He's not boring. 464 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,480 [Brian] Oh, you know what I mean. 465 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,880 -You must do. -[Pepper] He's Adam. 466 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,720 He comes up with all the best games and all the best ideas. 467 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,560 [Brian] Yeah, but something's changed. 468 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:32,000 He's not the same anymore. 469 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:33,360 Can I say something stupid 470 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,360 without you thinking it's stupid? 471 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:39,120 I was scared he wouldn't let us go just then. 472 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:40,560 [Pepper] That's stupid. 473 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,680 [Wensleydale] Actually, I felt that too. 474 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,280 Honey, I'm still not clear on what we're doing here. 475 00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,400 This is life as a diplomat. 476 00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:37,800 One moment you're in London, 477 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:40,120 the next we're familially interfacing 478 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,360 with Israeli archaeological sites 479 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:44,280 on a historical fact-finding vacation. 480 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,680 But it doesn't make any sense. 481 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:47,880 You don't argue with the State Department, hon. 482 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,600 Is this because I said the President's wife looked like a floozy? 483 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:51,880 Because I never said that. 484 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,440 [guide clears throat] 485 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:55,240 And this is our local guide 486 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:57,520 to the archaeological site of Megiddo. 487 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,120 Mister... 488 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,360 I'm Hastur... 489 00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:02,600 La Vista. 490 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,240 I'm an archaeologist. 491 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:06,280 Which one of you is the ambassador? 492 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,240 Thaddeus Dowling, at your service. 493 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,040 -My wife, Harriet. -An honour. 494 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,600 Oh. 495 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,680 You must be Warlock. 496 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:18,240 You smell like poo. 497 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:19,600 [laughs] 498 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,000 Funny boy. 499 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:22,720 Always love a good joke, me. 500 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:25,360 I've heard a lot about you. 501 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,920 -Where's the dog? -[Thaddeus] So, Professor La Vista, 502 00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:31,080 I understood from our briefing that Tel Megiddo 503 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,400 was part of Tiglath-Pileser's administrative centre. 504 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,960 The Assyrian kings fascinate me-- 505 00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:37,440 Will you shut up! 506 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:38,760 Where's the dog? 507 00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:40,320 Why doesn't the boy have a dog? 508 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:41,760 Hmm? 509 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:44,240 Do you hear voices? 510 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,520 What are they saying? 511 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,080 What are they telling you? 512 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:48,880 -The voices... -Yes. 513 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:52,080 ...in my head all say... 514 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:53,920 What?! 515 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,440 ...you smell like poo. 516 00:28:57,160 --> 00:28:58,600 [groans] 517 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:02,680 Crowley! 518 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:05,800 [Hastur moans] 519 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:07,600 [cartoonish music playing onscreen] 520 00:29:10,480 --> 00:29:14,120 [characters hum playfully] 521 00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,760 [Hastur's voice] What the heaven is going on, Crowley? 522 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:18,240 What have you done? 523 00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,680 Hastur. Hey. Not following you. How do you mean? 524 00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,880 [Hastur's voice] The boy... The boy called Warlock. 525 00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:25,080 We took him to the fields of Megiddo. 526 00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:26,640 The dog is not with him. 527 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:28,360 The child knows nothing of the Great War. 528 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:30,280 He is not our master's son. 529 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:31,800 He said that I... 530 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,760 that I smelled of poo. 531 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,880 -Well, you can see his point. -You're dead meat, Crowley. 532 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:39,200 You're bloody history. 533 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:40,760 [groans] 534 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,560 You stay where you are. We're coming to collect you. 535 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:48,040 [door opens, then closes] 536 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,240 [Anathema] You are Witchfinder Private Newton Pulsifer. 537 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:55,520 Apparently, all magistrates are enjoined to give you 538 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,240 as much dry kindling as you need 539 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:58,520 to burn any witches, 540 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:00,840 hags or beldam you discover. 541 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:03,960 Er... I'm not actually a real witchfinder. 542 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,200 There aren't really any witches. 543 00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:09,240 I'm actually a... computer engineer. 544 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,280 I just needed something to get me out of the house. 545 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:15,760 Hmm. 546 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:19,480 I'm Anathema Device. 547 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:21,160 I really am a witch. 548 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:24,960 You should read that. It's about you. 549 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:26,520 It will save time. 550 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,000 I... 551 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,440 "When robins blue chariot inverted be, 552 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,080 three wheels in the sky, 553 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:36,320 a man with bruises be upon your bed, 554 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,720 aching his head for willow fine." 555 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,760 That's you, the car crash and the aspirin. 556 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,480 Have you ever heard of Agnes Nutter? 557 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,040 I'm afraid not. 558 00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:48,840 [Anathema] A witch from 300 years ago. 559 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:50,560 I'm her descendant. 560 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:52,480 One of your ancestors burned her at the stake. 561 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:54,840 -Adultery Pulsifer. -Or tried to. 562 00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:56,240 Ancestors? 563 00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:58,760 Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery Pulsifer. 564 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:00,320 Hmm. 565 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,720 Your family obviously has a tendency to burn mine, 566 00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:04,240 so I... 567 00:31:04,320 --> 00:31:05,520 I took your matches. 568 00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,240 I'm not going to burn anyone. 569 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:12,800 I know. Agnes would have told us if you were. 570 00:31:12,880 --> 00:31:16,720 She wrote all these prophecies in a book published in 1655. 571 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:17,960 Did she know I was going to crash my car? 572 00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,320 Yes. 573 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:20,600 No. 574 00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:23,880 [stammers] Yes. 575 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:25,840 My family has been trying to figure out 576 00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:30,240 Agnes's Nice and Accurate Prophecies for 400 years now. 577 00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:32,840 You could say we're professional descendants. 578 00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:34,240 How many prophecies are there? 579 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:35,440 Thousands. 580 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,840 It averages to about a prophecy a month. 581 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,240 Oh, more now, in fact, as we get closer to the end of the world. 582 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:41,920 When is that supposed to be? 583 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:45,000 Er... in around four hours and 15 minutes. 584 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,560 Oh, come on. The world isn't really going to end today. 585 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:49,560 The end of the world starts here in Tadfield, 586 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,840 this afternoon, according to Agnes. 587 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,880 -I just can't find it. -"It"? 588 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,040 The Antichrist. The Great Beast. 589 00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:00,240 I've been searching for it, but it's impossible to find. 590 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:03,000 "Where the Hogge's Back ends, the young beast will take the world, 591 00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:06,800 and Adam's line will end in fire and darkness." 592 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:08,080 Hogge's back. 593 00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,520 Adam Young. 594 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:11,840 [Aziraphale] And his address is number four, 595 00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,400 Hogback Lane, Tadfield. 596 00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,640 -What did you say? -Adam Young. 597 00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:19,040 He lives at 4 Hogback Lane. 598 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:20,720 I was told to keep an eye on him. 599 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:22,160 How did you...? 600 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:25,600 Oh, I didn't-- Shit. 601 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:28,800 Adam, that's... that's crazy. 602 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,800 He's such a sweet kid. Him and his friends 603 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:32,400 were the ones that brought you in here, 604 00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:35,360 I mean, he's the sweetest kid in the village. 605 00:32:35,440 --> 00:32:38,160 I mean, he can't be the Great Beast at the end of the world. 606 00:32:39,360 --> 00:32:41,200 Come on. 607 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:43,560 [Pepper] We don't want to go with you. 608 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:46,440 [Wensleydale] Actually...I really don't. 609 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:47,800 [Brian] I don't like this. 610 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,720 There's no point in going home. 611 00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:52,800 It doesn't matter. That's all done now. 612 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:54,560 But we don't actually want to go with you. 613 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,240 You do. 614 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,920 You know why you're all coming with me, Wensley? 615 00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:02,600 Because there's nowhere else to go. 616 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:03,880 What's the point? 617 00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:05,720 What's going to be left when we grow up? 618 00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:08,440 Everywhere you look, there's all this environment going on. 619 00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,320 Everything's being killed or used up, 620 00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:12,120 and no one takes it seriously. 621 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:15,320 Everyone thinks that somehow it'll all just get better again. 622 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:16,760 Where's the sense in that? 623 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:18,560 Adam, this is all wrong. I'm not going with you. 624 00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:20,240 -But you are. -It isn't actually funny. 625 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:21,760 [Pepper] Wensley's right. 626 00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:25,040 It's a stupid game. And you're being weird. 627 00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,400 It's our job to make it start again. 628 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,600 -Right, Dog? -[whines] 629 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:31,680 [tyres squeal] 630 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:38,920 [Crowley] Angel! I'm sorry. 631 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,080 I apologise. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. 632 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:43,360 Work with me, I'm apologising here. Yes? Good. 633 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:45,040 -Get in the car. -What? No. 634 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:47,240 The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault. 635 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,880 But we can run away together. Alpha Centauri. 636 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,040 Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody would even notice us. 637 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:53,680 Crowley, you're being ridiculous. 638 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,320 Look, I-I-I'm quite sure if I can just-- 639 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,040 just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out. 640 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,280 There aren't any right people. There's just God, 641 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,960 moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us. 642 00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,560 Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the Almighty, 643 00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:09,200 and then the Almighty will fix it. 644 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:11,120 That won't happen. 645 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:12,600 You're so clever. 646 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,880 How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? 647 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:18,320 I forgive you. 648 00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:21,400 Oh... 649 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:23,000 I'm going home, Angel. 650 00:34:23,080 --> 00:34:24,880 I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving. 651 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:28,760 And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you. 652 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,000 [car door closes] 653 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,920 [engine revs] 654 00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:37,000 I've been there. 655 00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:38,160 You're better off without him. 656 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,800 -[doorbell buzzes] -[Hastur] Crowley! 657 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,080 [thunder crashes] 658 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:20,360 [Hastur] Crowley! 659 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:23,160 We only want a little word with you. 660 00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:27,680 We know you're in there. 661 00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:30,160 Crowley! 662 00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:40,400 In here, people. 663 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:46,640 [screams] 664 00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:48,120 [gasping] 665 00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:51,600 [Hastur shrieking] 666 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:01,280 -Hi. -[continues shrieking] 667 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,400 That's-- that's-- that's holy water! 668 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:10,000 I can't believe even a demon would-- would-- would-- 669 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,920 Holy water! That's-- that's... 670 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:13,440 But he hadn't done nothing to you! 671 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:14,600 Yet. 672 00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:18,520 You... 673 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,160 You don't frighten me. 674 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:23,360 Do you know what this is? 675 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,520 This is a plant mister, 676 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,280 cheapest and most efficient on the market today. 677 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:31,800 It can squirt a fine spray of water into the air. 678 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:36,080 It's filled with holy water. 679 00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:38,960 It can turn you into that. 680 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,960 You're bluffing. 681 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:47,000 Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. 682 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,160 Ask yourself: 683 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:51,960 do you feel lucky? 684 00:36:58,640 --> 00:37:01,280 Yes. Do you? 685 00:37:02,680 --> 00:37:04,960 -Ow! -Time to go, Crowley. 686 00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:06,920 [phone rings] 687 00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:11,200 Hello? I know where the Anti-- 688 00:37:11,320 --> 00:37:12,640 [on answering machine] Hi, this is Anthony Crowley. 689 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:14,640 You know what to do. Do it with style. 690 00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:16,120 Don't move! 691 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:17,160 There's something very important you need to know 692 00:37:17,200 --> 00:37:18,640 before you disgrace yourself. 693 00:37:18,760 --> 00:37:20,280 [Aziraphale] I know where the Anti-- 694 00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:22,480 Yeah, it's not a good time. Got an old friend here. 695 00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:24,120 But-- 696 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,440 Well, you've definitely passed the test. 697 00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:29,320 You're ready to start playing with the big boys. 698 00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,920 What? You're mad. 699 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,440 The Lords of Hell had to make sure you were trustworthy 700 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:37,440 before we gave you command of the legions of the damned 701 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:38,520 in the war ahead. 702 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:41,000 And, Hastur, 703 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:42,800 Duke of Hell, 704 00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,400 -you've come through with flying colours. -Me? 705 00:37:45,480 --> 00:37:47,760 Now, I-I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Duke Hastur. 706 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:51,120 But why don't we talk to the Dark Council? 707 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:52,880 Let's see if they can convince you. 708 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:54,840 You're calling the Dark Council? 709 00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:56,800 Yes, I am. 710 00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:00,840 And they say, "So long, sucker!" 711 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,600 [hissing] 712 00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:07,160 -[line ringing] -[God] You're probably wondering where Crowley has gone. 713 00:38:07,280 --> 00:38:08,880 Demons aren't bound by physics. 714 00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,840 Over the years, a huge number of theological man-hours 715 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,080 have been spent debating the question: 716 00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,480 "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" 717 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,280 To answer it, we need information. 718 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,560 Firstly, angels don't dance. 719 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:23,640 It's one of the distinguishing characteristics 720 00:38:23,680 --> 00:38:25,200 that marks an angel. 721 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:26,600 So, none. 722 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,520 At least, nearly none. 723 00:38:29,920 --> 00:38:32,160 Aziraphale had learned a dance called the "gavotte" 724 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:33,680 in a discreet gentlemen's club 725 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:36,480 in Portland Place in the late 1880s. 726 00:38:36,560 --> 00:38:38,760 After a while, he had become fairly good at it, 727 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,480 and was quite put out when, some decades later, 728 00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:43,560 the gavotte went out of style for good. 729 00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:45,680 So providing the dance was a gavotte, 730 00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:49,320 the answer is a straightforward "one". 731 00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:53,000 Then again, you might just as well ask how many demons 732 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,120 can dance on the head of a pin. 733 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:57,840 They're of the same original stock, after all. 734 00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:00,040 And at least demons dance. 735 00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:02,480 Not what you'd call good dancing, though. 736 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:05,560 For demons or for angels, 737 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:07,320 size and shape are simply options. 738 00:39:07,400 --> 00:39:09,360 So, if you look from really close up, 739 00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:11,360 the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin 740 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,600 is all those big gaps between electrons. 741 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:16,880 -That's where Crowley has gone. -[shrieking] 742 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:19,680 That's where Hastur is following. 743 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,560 Right now, they are both travelling incredibly fast 744 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:27,080 -through the telephone system. -Whoa-oh! 745 00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:30,400 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 746 00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:33,360 [shouting and laughing] 747 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:34,800 [Hastur] Crowley! 748 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,760 You can't escape me! 749 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,640 Wherever you come out, I'll come out too! 750 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,280 Three, two, one. 751 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:46,840 You hear me? Crowley! 752 00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:48,360 -[phone ringing] -Hi, this is An-- 753 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:50,160 [Hastur, on machine] Where are you, you little runt? 754 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:51,360 I heard your voice. 755 00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:53,160 You and your best friend Aziraphale, 756 00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:54,640 you're dead meat. 757 00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,480 [God] Hastur, Duke of Hell, is now trapped on a tape 758 00:39:57,560 --> 00:40:00,600 inside Crowley's antique telephone answering machine. 759 00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:02,840 [Hastur] Where am I? Don't leave me here. 760 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:04,920 -[Aziraphale] I know where the Antichrist is. -Oh, no. 761 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:06,960 -I know where the Antichrist-- -Oh, no, you wouldn't. 762 00:40:07,040 --> 00:40:08,640 You wouldn't dare, you... 763 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:10,080 you snake! 764 00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:12,160 [laughs] 765 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,320 [thunder crashes] 766 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:26,680 [Michael] Hello, Aziraphale. 767 00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:28,200 Oh, Michael. 768 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:29,640 Uriel. 769 00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:31,080 Sandalphon. 770 00:40:31,160 --> 00:40:32,640 Hello, erm... 771 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,200 We've just been learning some rather disturbing 772 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:36,880 things about you. 773 00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:39,120 You've been a bit of a fallen angel, haven't you? 774 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,120 Consorting with the enemy? 775 00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,480 Oh, I-I-I haven't been consorting. 776 00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,360 Don't think your boyfriend in the dark glasses 777 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,440 will get you special treatment in Hell. 778 00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:48,760 He's in trouble too. 779 00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:52,040 Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides. 780 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,440 I've-I've actually been giving that a lot of thought. 781 00:40:56,520 --> 00:40:59,320 The, erm, the whole choosing sides thing. 782 00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:04,840 Erm, what I think is that there obviously has to be two sides. 783 00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,880 That's the whole point. So people can make choices. 784 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:08,880 That's-- that's what being human means. 785 00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:10,160 Choices. 786 00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:12,800 But-- but that's-- that's for them. 787 00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:17,320 Our job as-as angels should be to keep all this working 788 00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,880 so they can make choices. 789 00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:21,080 You think too much. 790 00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:22,640 [grunts] 791 00:41:25,560 --> 00:41:26,480 [gasps] 792 00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:29,080 You...you mustn't. 793 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:31,560 Why would you do this? 794 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:34,520 We're the good guys. I have to warn you that-- 795 00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:36,640 that I'm going to take this entire interaction up with... 796 00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:40,200 up with... a higher authority. 797 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:43,160 You really think upstairs will take your call? 798 00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:45,120 You're ridiculous. 799 00:41:45,160 --> 00:41:47,640 [horn sounding] 800 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,640 Oh, this is great. It's starting. 801 00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:57,040 You...you... 802 00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:01,160 bad angels. 803 00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:02,680 Seems to me it'd serve everyone right 804 00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:05,000 if all the nuclear bombs went off and it started again, 805 00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:06,160 only properly this time. 806 00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:07,640 Then we could sort it all out. 807 00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:09,360 There's all these bombs going off. 808 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:11,040 People get killed. 809 00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,360 Speaking as a mother of unborn generations, I'm against it. 810 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:16,440 You'd all be fine. I'd see to that. 811 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:19,160 It'd be wicked, eh, to have the whole world to ourselves, wouldn't it? 812 00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:21,640 We could have amazing games. We could have war with real armies. 813 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,200 But there won't be any people. 814 00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:24,480 They'd all be dead. 815 00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,520 Oh, I can make us some new people. 816 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:28,160 Adam, please let us go home. 817 00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,160 -I want my mummy and my daddy. -No. 818 00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:32,480 -I'll make you new mummies and daddies. -[thunder crashes] 819 00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:35,280 Please, Adam! 820 00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:38,320 Adam, what are you doing?! 821 00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:40,640 -[barks] -I've got friends coming soon. 822 00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:42,840 You'll like them. They're a lot like you. 823 00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:44,320 They're going to help me make it all stop. 824 00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:46,960 Actually, Adam, please, I can't move! 825 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:49,200 I don't like this game! 826 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,320 You wait. It's going to be wicked. 827 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:52,960 -[whimpers] -[thunder crashes] 828 00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,280 So we find this Adam, and then what do we do? 829 00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:07,520 Stop him. 830 00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,120 He's bringing Armageddon. 831 00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:13,160 So, we ask him nicely to stop? 832 00:43:13,200 --> 00:43:15,960 I don't know. Agnes doesn't say. 833 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:17,040 She goes off on stuff about... 834 00:43:19,160 --> 00:43:21,120 you and me. 835 00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:23,360 -Like what? -Oh, stupid stuff. 836 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:24,920 You...you don't want to know. 837 00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:28,160 Hogback Lane isn't far from here. 838 00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:32,680 [Anathema shouts] 839 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:35,840 Hold on! 840 00:43:35,920 --> 00:43:37,360 I'm not an idiot! 841 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:42,840 You don't get tornados in England! 842 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,160 We do today! 843 00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:46,160 Prophecy 691! 844 00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:48,600 The wind should drop in a few seconds, then redouble. 845 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,160 We'll have less than a minute to go back inside 846 00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:52,640 before it starts again. 847 00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:54,080 Got it? 848 00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:00,800 Okay. Got it. 849 00:44:06,640 --> 00:44:08,480 Under the bed! 850 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:14,880 This is insane. 851 00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,320 You don't get tornados here. 852 00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,480 Did Agnes say what we have to do next? 853 00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:24,120 [grunting] 854 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:26,520 [Agnes] Let the wheel of fate turn. 855 00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:28,880 Let hearts enjoin. 856 00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,000 There are other fires than mine. 857 00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,240 When the whirlwind whirls, 858 00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:35,520 -reach out to one another. -[Pulsifer] "Reach out to one another"! 859 00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,000 The world's about to end, and I've-- 860 00:44:39,080 --> 00:44:40,240 I've never-- 861 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:41,520 never robbed a bank. 862 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:42,800 I've never got a parking ticket. 863 00:44:42,880 --> 00:44:45,040 I've never eaten Thai food. 864 00:44:45,120 --> 00:44:46,760 I've never been abroad. 865 00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:49,800 I've never learned to play a musical instrument, 866 00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:51,480 and I've never... 867 00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:53,080 Kissed a girl? 868 00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:54,840 No, not even once. 869 00:44:54,920 --> 00:44:56,200 [thunder rumbles] 870 00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:57,920 [glass shatters] 871 00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:17,800 [wind howling] 872 00:45:27,200 --> 00:45:28,640 [pin twanging] 873 00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,520 [pin clatters on floor] 874 00:45:46,800 --> 00:45:48,400 [sizzles] 875 00:45:49,800 --> 00:45:51,040 Huh. 876 00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:54,680 [Madame Tracy] I made you a nice cup of tea. 877 00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:57,480 [door closes] 878 00:45:57,560 --> 00:46:00,120 I made it just the way you like it. 879 00:46:00,200 --> 00:46:02,760 Nine sugars and condensed milk. 880 00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:05,600 Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene. 881 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:09,640 Oh, Mr Shadwell. You say the nicest things. 882 00:46:09,720 --> 00:46:11,000 [sobs] 883 00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:13,360 I've sent him into the jaws of doom. 884 00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,480 -Who? -Private Pulsifer. 885 00:46:15,560 --> 00:46:18,760 Aye, he's just a lad. I let him go alone. 886 00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:20,160 I should have gone with him. 887 00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:22,680 Well, he's just having a nice day out. 888 00:46:24,520 --> 00:46:26,160 That's unusual. 889 00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:30,960 I'm a bad man and a worse Witchfinder Sergeant. 890 00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:33,520 I cannot believe I let him go alone. 891 00:46:33,600 --> 00:46:34,840 I should go to him. 892 00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:39,000 There's a train to Tadfield. 893 00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:40,920 I can't get there on my bus pass. 894 00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:43,400 There's not funds for a train ticket. 895 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:47,640 Oh, I'll not travel on the wages 896 00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:50,280 of harlotry and ghost-raising. 897 00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:52,600 You'll need an extra five pounds for a sandwich and a coffee. 898 00:46:57,840 --> 00:46:59,200 Wait. 899 00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:00,800 Shouldn't we have dinner or something first? 900 00:47:00,880 --> 00:47:02,240 Shh. No time. 901 00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,120 Well, if you won't take it from me, 902 00:47:26,200 --> 00:47:28,560 what about one of those nice men that called? 903 00:47:28,640 --> 00:47:30,680 Mr Crowley won't give me an advance. 904 00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:33,000 I think he's Mafia. 905 00:47:33,080 --> 00:47:34,920 But the southern pansy in the bookshop 906 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:36,640 might be a soft touch. 907 00:47:36,720 --> 00:47:39,240 Aye, he's got money. 908 00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:41,720 Even now, young Pulsifer could be suffering 909 00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:45,320 unimaginable tortures at the hands of the Daughters of Night. 910 00:47:45,400 --> 00:47:47,600 I can't imagine what he's going through. 911 00:47:47,680 --> 00:47:49,880 [gasping] 912 00:47:49,960 --> 00:47:52,080 [comical gasp] 913 00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:54,600 [panting] 914 00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:58,640 Aye, we can't leave our people in there. 915 00:47:58,720 --> 00:48:01,880 They could be doing all manner of things to him 916 00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:03,280 right this moment. 917 00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:05,520 [both gasping] 918 00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,720 Well, I don't suppose it'll be the end of the world 919 00:48:15,800 --> 00:48:18,080 even if they are, Mr S. 920 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,000 [Wensleydale] But, please, Adam! 921 00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,040 We have to go home! 922 00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:26,920 This is your home! Here, with me! 923 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:29,640 You don't have to go home or go to school or anything. 924 00:48:29,720 --> 00:48:31,840 Or do anything you don't want to do, ever again. 925 00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:33,400 Adam, just stop it! 926 00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:34,640 Shut up! 927 00:48:34,720 --> 00:48:36,200 Just stop it! Stop it! Stop it! 928 00:48:36,280 --> 00:48:38,680 Stop talking! You all have to stop talking now! 929 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:40,680 Everybody, stop talking! 930 00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:43,920 [muffled grunting] 931 00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:47,960 -[indistinct chattering] -[wind gusting] 932 00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,400 Hello. 933 00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:26,080 This is the Principality Aziraphale. 934 00:49:26,160 --> 00:49:28,240 I'm looking for, erm... 935 00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:32,600 a higher authority. 936 00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:35,960 Is there anybody there? 937 00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:47,600 [knock on door] 938 00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:48,960 We're closed! 939 00:49:52,000 --> 00:49:54,920 This really is frightfully important. 940 00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:57,600 I'm prepared to take this all the way to the top. 941 00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:00,720 [gasps] 942 00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:05,600 [exhales sharply] 943 00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:08,600 I, erm... 944 00:50:08,680 --> 00:50:12,680 I-I-I need to speak to the Almighty. 945 00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:15,760 [Metatron] Speak, Aziraphale. 946 00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:19,160 Am I speaking to... 947 00:50:20,600 --> 00:50:22,000 God? 948 00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:28,240 You are speaking to the Metatron, Aziraphale. 949 00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:33,360 To speak to me is to speak to God. 950 00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:36,880 I am the voice of the Almighty. 951 00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:41,280 [Aziraphale] Well, yes. But you are the voice of the Almighty 952 00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:43,920 in the same way as, erm, a presidential spokesman 953 00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:46,120 is-is the voice of the President. 954 00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:50,000 I actually need to speak directly to God. 955 00:50:50,080 --> 00:50:54,520 What is said to me is said to the Almighty. 956 00:50:57,160 --> 00:51:00,640 Well, Aziraphale? 957 00:51:00,720 --> 00:51:02,640 I want to complain about the conduct of a few angels. 958 00:51:02,720 --> 00:51:05,640 But the-the important thing is the Antichrist. 959 00:51:05,720 --> 00:51:08,560 I know who he is, I know where he is. 960 00:51:08,640 --> 00:51:10,240 Good work, well done. 961 00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:13,000 So there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about, erm, 962 00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:15,720 a third of the seas turning to blood or anything. 963 00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:18,600 There needn't be a war. We can save everyone. 964 00:51:18,680 --> 00:51:21,880 The point is not to avoid the war. 965 00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:24,240 The point is to win it. 966 00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:28,800 Ah. 967 00:51:30,320 --> 00:51:32,920 Erm... 968 00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:37,520 What sort of, er, initiating event will precipitate the war? 969 00:51:37,600 --> 00:51:41,640 We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange 970 00:51:41,720 --> 00:51:43,880 would be a nice start. 971 00:51:45,240 --> 00:51:46,840 Very imaginative. 972 00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:50,680 The battle commences, Aziraphale. 973 00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:53,720 -Join us. -In a jiffy. 974 00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:56,760 Two shakes of a lamb's tail. 975 00:51:56,840 --> 00:52:00,040 Just a-a couple of things left to tie up. 976 00:52:00,120 --> 00:52:03,640 We will leave the gateway open for you, then. 977 00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:06,040 Do not dawdle. 978 00:52:07,360 --> 00:52:09,400 Yes. Jolly... 979 00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:10,640 jolly good. 980 00:52:28,560 --> 00:52:30,480 -Hello. I know where the Anti-- -Hi, this is Anthony Crowley. 981 00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:32,120 You know what to do. Do it with style. 982 00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:34,920 Well, I know who you are, you idiot. I telephoned you. 983 00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:36,600 Listen, I know where the Anti-- 984 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:38,880 Yeah, it's not a good time. Got an old friend here. 985 00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:41,240 -But-- -[Shadwell] You foul fiend! 986 00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:44,160 In league with the forces of darkness! 987 00:52:44,240 --> 00:52:45,760 Sergeant Shadwell? 988 00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:47,040 You monster! 989 00:52:47,120 --> 00:52:48,960 Seducing women to do your evil will. 990 00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:50,600 Oh, I think perhaps you've got the wrong shop. 991 00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:53,680 You are possessed by a demon, and I will exorcise you 992 00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:55,360 with bell, book and candle. 993 00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:56,600 Yes, er, fine. 994 00:52:56,680 --> 00:52:58,360 But, please, keep away from the circle. 995 00:52:58,440 --> 00:52:59,640 It's-- it's still powered up. 996 00:52:59,720 --> 00:53:01,520 Bell. 997 00:53:03,600 --> 00:53:06,040 -[bell dings] -I'm honestly not a demon. 998 00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:07,560 I-I don't know what you think you saw, but-- 999 00:53:07,640 --> 00:53:09,200 Book! 1000 00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:13,240 Please, you-you-you must keep away from the circle. 1001 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:16,120 Practically a candle. 1002 00:53:16,200 --> 00:53:19,440 Look the circle is on, and it would be very unwise 1003 00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:21,280 for you to step into it without the proper precaution. 1004 00:53:21,360 --> 00:53:22,840 -[praying] -Whatever you think you've seen, 1005 00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:25,680 don't cross the circle, you stupid man! 1006 00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:28,200 Evil, returning no more! 1007 00:53:31,720 --> 00:53:33,200 Oh... 1008 00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:34,840 fuck. 1009 00:53:41,240 --> 00:53:42,880 [explosion] 1010 00:53:50,360 --> 00:53:51,560 Hello? 1011 00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:58,040 [thunder crashes] 1012 00:53:58,120 --> 00:53:59,400 [door slams] 1013 00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:09,120 [theme music plays]