1
00:00:01,237 --> 00:00:02,581
Ooh! Sorry. Excuse me.
2
00:00:02,605 --> 00:00:03,883
Yeah.
3
00:00:03,907 --> 00:00:08,437
So, Gregory Eddie, Mr. Eddie,
I see you're back from break.
4
00:00:08,461 --> 00:00:09,055
Yes, indeed.
5
00:00:09,079 --> 00:00:12,641
And I see you, Ms. Teagues,
are also back from break.
6
00:00:12,665 --> 00:00:14,593
Yep. I need to just...
7
00:00:14,617 --> 00:00:15,761
Ooh! Oh, no, I was, um...
8
00:00:15,785 --> 00:00:16,762
But we can... Yeah.
9
00:00:16,786 --> 00:00:17,747
No? Mnh-mnh.
10
00:00:17,771 --> 00:00:18,964
No. We don't have to.
11
00:00:18,988 --> 00:00:23,052
Funny how social skills just
atrophy when you never use them.
12
00:00:23,076 --> 00:00:24,653
They're just being weird
'cause they danced
13
00:00:24,677 --> 00:00:25,705
at a club during break.
14
00:00:25,729 --> 00:00:27,823
Only club I go to is Bible Club.
15
00:00:27,847 --> 00:00:28,908
Do they play good music there?
16
00:00:28,932 --> 00:00:29,992
My favorite club
just got shut down
17
00:00:30,016 --> 00:00:31,668
'cause they let a horse in.
18
00:00:33,586 --> 00:00:36,549
[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]
19
00:00:36,573 --> 00:00:45,741
♪♪
20
00:00:45,765 --> 00:00:47,676
It was a Disney Channel
grind at best.
21
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:48,778
Grow up.
22
00:00:48,802 --> 00:00:49,845
Take these score sheets.
23
00:00:49,869 --> 00:00:51,797
Uh, score sheets for what?
[ Gasps ] Oh!
24
00:00:51,821 --> 00:00:53,716
This week is the Read-A-Thon!
25
00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:54,884
Sponsored by Dough Nuts Pizza.
26
00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:56,786
"Dough Nuts for Reading."
27
00:00:56,810 --> 00:00:58,587
Shut up, Janine.
28
00:00:58,611 --> 00:00:59,822
So, how does this work?
29
00:00:59,846 --> 00:01:01,874
The class that reads the most
gets a pizza party?
30
00:01:01,898 --> 00:01:04,076
And that's what the kids want?
31
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,045
Kind of. Every kid gets pizza,
32
00:01:06,069 --> 00:01:07,847
but we track the class
in each grade
33
00:01:07,871 --> 00:01:08,964
that reads the most.
34
00:01:08,988 --> 00:01:10,149
It's mostly ceremonial,
35
00:01:10,173 --> 00:01:12,885
but some of us take it
more seriously than others.
36
00:01:12,909 --> 00:01:15,905
Clear the way!
Two-time second-grade.
37
00:01:15,929 --> 00:01:18,073
Read-A-Thon champion
coming through!
38
00:01:18,097 --> 00:01:20,493
And this belt's staying
with the champ.
39
00:01:20,517 --> 00:01:21,093
[ Scoffs ]
40
00:01:21,117 --> 00:01:24,604
Yeah, well, who wants to wear
a big belt anyway?
41
00:01:28,091 --> 00:01:30,136
Either way, I'll be the one
wearing that,
42
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:34,106
because my kids are gonna win
because they want to, not me.
43
00:01:34,130 --> 00:01:37,026
I believe in losing.
It builds character.
44
00:01:37,050 --> 00:01:39,862
I would never bet against
Melissa in a read-off.
45
00:01:39,886 --> 00:01:42,882
I have seen her inspire even
the most reluctant readers
46
00:01:42,906 --> 00:01:46,001
to devour a complete
"Boxcar Children."
47
00:01:46,025 --> 00:01:49,538
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna mop the floor
with you, Teagues.
48
00:01:49,562 --> 00:01:50,689
You don't want to do that.
49
00:01:50,713 --> 00:01:52,625
It'll just spread
the spill around.
50
00:01:52,649 --> 00:01:53,626
[ Chuckles ]
51
00:01:53,650 --> 00:01:54,810
[ Bottle spraying ]
52
00:01:54,834 --> 00:01:56,595
[ Quietly ] Yes, yes, yes!
53
00:01:56,619 --> 00:01:57,580
[ Normal voice ] Janine!
54
00:01:57,604 --> 00:01:58,264
Did you see the big news?
55
00:01:58,288 --> 00:02:01,033
Oh, my God. Did the multi-color
pushpins come in?
56
00:02:01,057 --> 00:02:03,853
No. Well, I mean,
yes, that is huge.
57
00:02:03,877 --> 00:02:06,722
But, uh, I got two sign-ups
for after-school podcast club.
58
00:02:06,746 --> 00:02:08,190
Oh! Two.
59
00:02:08,214 --> 00:02:10,776
Two? Wow!
That... That's enough to tango.
60
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,044
I cannot wait to get started.
61
00:02:12,068 --> 00:02:13,913
I'm picturing
"This American Life"
62
00:02:13,937 --> 00:02:15,064
meets "Pod Save America"
63
00:02:15,088 --> 00:02:16,665
with the research
of "The Daily,"
64
00:02:16,689 --> 00:02:17,883
the storytelling of "The Moth,"
65
00:02:17,907 --> 00:02:20,970
all while, like, redefining
the form, à la "Radiolab."
66
00:02:20,994 --> 00:02:23,439
How many white podcasts
do you listen to?
67
00:02:23,463 --> 00:02:24,006
Hundreds.
68
00:02:24,030 --> 00:02:25,674
I listen at triple speed,
though, you know,
69
00:02:25,698 --> 00:02:26,759
to fit them all in.
70
00:02:26,783 --> 00:02:28,494
Actually, this conversation
kind of feels like
71
00:02:28,518 --> 00:02:29,044
it's in slow motion.
72
00:02:29,068 --> 00:02:32,748
But I am so informed. Ah.
73
00:02:32,772 --> 00:02:34,483
Gregory! Mm?
74
00:02:34,507 --> 00:02:35,167
We got two sign-ups.
75
00:02:35,191 --> 00:02:38,754
You ready to, uh, redefine
journalistic storytelling?
76
00:02:38,778 --> 00:02:40,990
Wait. You're doing
the podcast club?
77
00:02:41,014 --> 00:02:42,942
You get paid a little more
when you do an extracurricular,
78
00:02:42,966 --> 00:02:45,961
and my financial status
continues to be
79
00:02:45,985 --> 00:02:49,205
a source of tension
in my romantic life.
80
00:02:50,723 --> 00:02:51,750
Yeah, you're gonna need
a lot more
81
00:02:51,774 --> 00:02:53,853
than one cart of books
to beat my kids.
82
00:02:53,877 --> 00:02:55,321
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
83
00:02:55,345 --> 00:02:58,757
This is my third trip back
from the library this morning.
84
00:02:58,781 --> 00:02:59,892
How are you doing that?
85
00:02:59,916 --> 00:03:03,662
Well, I didn't want to reveal
my secret earlier,
86
00:03:03,686 --> 00:03:05,030
but I figured out
how to fit two weeks
87
00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:09,051
of math lessons into next week,
which means this week,
88
00:03:09,075 --> 00:03:14,573
my kids can devote their time to
reading and beating your class.
89
00:03:14,597 --> 00:03:16,742
Behold.
90
00:03:16,766 --> 00:03:18,861
Our reading wonderland.
91
00:03:18,885 --> 00:03:20,062
[ Classical music playing ]
92
00:03:20,086 --> 00:03:25,935
Figured if I come for the queen,
then I best not miss.
93
00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:27,786
Right, kids? Right?
94
00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,605
And, so, if you think...
95
00:03:29,629 --> 00:03:30,689
♪♪
96
00:03:30,713 --> 00:03:32,057
[ Door opens ]
97
00:03:32,081 --> 00:03:36,679
Alright, listen up,
my little eagles...
98
00:03:36,703 --> 00:03:37,780
it's game time.
99
00:03:37,804 --> 00:03:39,882
I'm gonna need youse
reading nonstop, okay?
100
00:03:39,906 --> 00:03:42,484
That means if you're at recess,
you're reading.
101
00:03:42,508 --> 00:03:43,586
On the bus, reading.
102
00:03:43,610 --> 00:03:44,737
If you are at gym class,
103
00:03:44,761 --> 00:03:46,739
the sit-and-reach is now
the sit-and-read.
104
00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:47,907
Yes, Felicity?
105
00:03:47,931 --> 00:03:49,858
What about when I take a shower?
106
00:03:49,882 --> 00:03:51,210
Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag.
107
00:03:51,234 --> 00:03:55,564
Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks
that her class can outread you,
108
00:03:55,588 --> 00:03:56,832
but that ain't gonna happen.
109
00:03:56,856 --> 00:03:58,801
So what time is it?
110
00:03:58,825 --> 00:04:00,085
Children: Game time!
111
00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:02,688
That's right.
Deja, Levi, Bryana,
112
00:04:02,712 --> 00:04:04,890
come on up here for a second.
113
00:04:04,914 --> 00:04:06,675
Alright, listen up.
114
00:04:06,699 --> 00:04:07,993
You three are very
strong readers,
115
00:04:08,017 --> 00:04:09,795
so I'm gonna need
a lot of pages from you.
116
00:04:09,819 --> 00:04:10,796
Can you handle it?
117
00:04:10,820 --> 00:04:11,964
We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.
118
00:04:11,988 --> 00:04:13,666
Alright! That's my girl.
119
00:04:13,690 --> 00:04:14,984
Go get 'em, kids.
120
00:04:15,008 --> 00:04:17,620
I'm gonna read more books
than anyone.
121
00:04:17,644 --> 00:04:20,039
Yeah, right.
122
00:04:20,063 --> 00:04:22,758
Levi, Mya's gonna
do her best, alright?
123
00:04:22,782 --> 00:04:24,593
Just like everybody else.
124
00:04:24,617 --> 00:04:25,878
Mya's a great student.
125
00:04:25,902 --> 00:04:28,964
Just when it comes to reading...
126
00:04:28,988 --> 00:04:33,902
Hey, kids, like adults, all have
their strengths and weaknesses.
127
00:04:33,926 --> 00:04:36,772
As in, you know,
Janine's got lots of weaknesses,
128
00:04:36,796 --> 00:04:39,074
and my strength
is exploiting them.
129
00:04:39,098 --> 00:04:43,195
Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor
to embark with you
130
00:04:43,219 --> 00:04:46,115
on the inaugural voyage
of "This Abbott Life."
131
00:04:46,139 --> 00:04:48,200
Producer Gregory and I...
Mr. Eddie.
132
00:04:48,224 --> 00:04:51,954
We understand that the world
needs your stories,
133
00:04:51,978 --> 00:04:55,574
and this podcast is going
to be a window
134
00:04:55,598 --> 00:04:57,042
into the very soul of Abbott.
135
00:04:57,066 --> 00:05:00,846
Soft, inviting intros,
rhetorical questions
136
00:05:00,870 --> 00:05:04,616
dripping with pregnant pauses,
the Ira Glass model.
137
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,669
What type of pauses?
138
00:05:06,693 --> 00:05:07,836
What's an Ira Glass?
139
00:05:07,860 --> 00:05:10,572
Ira Glass?
The godfather of podcasting,
140
00:05:10,596 --> 00:05:11,707
the podfather?
141
00:05:11,731 --> 00:05:12,958
Oh, you mean Joe Budden.
142
00:05:12,982 --> 00:05:14,943
Well, I-I think
he pronounces it Biden,
143
00:05:14,967 --> 00:05:17,796
but we will work on diction
when the mics are hot.
144
00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:21,340
You've never heard
of Joe Budden? Here.
145
00:05:24,127 --> 00:05:26,939
[ Indistinct chatter
through earbuds ]
146
00:05:26,963 --> 00:05:28,774
[ Bleeping ] Whoa! Okay.
147
00:05:28,798 --> 00:05:29,925
[ Both laugh ]
148
00:05:29,949 --> 00:05:31,894
I'm not sure how
Mr. Budden's mother
149
00:05:31,918 --> 00:05:34,013
would feel about that podcast.
150
00:05:34,037 --> 00:05:37,766
Anyways, here is something
to go off of for Episode 1.
151
00:05:37,790 --> 00:05:39,685
But, you know, make it your own.
152
00:05:39,709 --> 00:05:42,771
Wherever the story takes you,
go there.
153
00:05:42,795 --> 00:05:44,990
Y'all be careful.
That equipment ain't cheap.
154
00:05:45,014 --> 00:05:47,843
You think just anybody
can start a podcast? Please!
155
00:05:47,867 --> 00:05:49,895
Oh, you haven't heard
of the Coleman Podcast Network?
156
00:05:49,919 --> 00:05:52,247
It's a couple of "Housewife"
recaps, "Banana Mouth,"
157
00:05:52,271 --> 00:05:55,901
my screenwriting-advice podcast,
"Catch These Fade Ins,"
158
00:05:55,925 --> 00:05:58,854
not to mention
my ASMR endeavors.
159
00:05:58,878 --> 00:06:01,557
[ Whispering ] But Spotify
made me take those down.
160
00:06:01,581 --> 00:06:04,093
[ ASMR eating noises ]
161
00:06:04,117 --> 00:06:06,178
I'm telling you, Barb,
I've never had a class
162
00:06:06,202 --> 00:06:08,881
make this much
reading progress this fast.
163
00:06:08,905 --> 00:06:11,750
We're riding that Magic
School Bus straight to victory.
164
00:06:11,774 --> 00:06:13,786
I never cared for that
Ms. Frizzle.
165
00:06:13,810 --> 00:06:15,054
Always wearing
those kooky outfits,
166
00:06:15,078 --> 00:06:18,006
and that overzealous,
can-do attitude.
167
00:06:18,030 --> 00:06:20,459
You guys talking about
the Read-A-Thon?
168
00:06:20,483 --> 00:06:21,160
I am killing it.
169
00:06:21,184 --> 00:06:24,046
Yeah, my kids are behind
a few pages, but not for long.
170
00:06:24,070 --> 00:06:25,864
We are winning it to be in it.
171
00:06:25,888 --> 00:06:27,750
No, that's not it. Mm.
172
00:06:27,774 --> 00:06:30,803
I just think it's cute
how you're still trying, Janine.
173
00:06:30,827 --> 00:06:31,970
You're not gonna catch us.
174
00:06:31,994 --> 00:06:35,390
That Wimpy Kid can't
crank out diaries fast enough.
175
00:06:35,414 --> 00:06:36,842
[ Chuckles ]
176
00:06:36,866 --> 00:06:37,943
Whoa. Wait.
177
00:06:37,967 --> 00:06:39,244
Nurse Makiah, where are
you going with these three?
178
00:06:39,268 --> 00:06:41,997
They wouldn't stop rubbing
their eyes on the playground.
179
00:06:42,021 --> 00:06:44,016
One of them said they've been
reading this in the bathroom,
180
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,901
then gave the book
to the other two.
181
00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:48,670
It's pink eye.
It's always pink eye.
182
00:06:48,694 --> 00:06:51,340
Oh, my three strongest readers!
183
00:06:51,364 --> 00:06:51,940
Why?!
184
00:06:51,964 --> 00:06:54,543
You told us to read
at all times.
185
00:06:54,567 --> 00:06:55,060
I did. Aw.
186
00:06:55,084 --> 00:06:56,979
Come on.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
187
00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:59,631
Hope you feel better, kids.
188
00:06:59,655 --> 00:07:00,632
Ugh!
189
00:07:00,656 --> 00:07:02,000
Your pizza's cooked, Schemmenti.
190
00:07:02,024 --> 00:07:05,571
I genuinely do hope your kids
feel better, but you're done.
191
00:07:05,595 --> 00:07:06,722
You know what, Janine?
192
00:07:06,746 --> 00:07:07,923
[ As Melissa ] Oh, oh, oh, oh,
193
00:07:07,947 --> 00:07:09,958
you want to talk
about pink eyes, Janine?
194
00:07:09,982 --> 00:07:12,327
I'm gonna give you a black eye,
ya gabortz.
195
00:07:12,351 --> 00:07:15,330
[ Normal voice ] Yeah. It was
gonna be something like that.
196
00:07:15,354 --> 00:07:16,489
Hmm?
197
00:07:16,906 --> 00:07:19,325
Melissa: Mm.
198
00:07:20,526 --> 00:07:22,562
[ School bell rings ]
199
00:07:26,782 --> 00:07:28,744
Oh, hello.
200
00:07:28,768 --> 00:07:30,028
How long you been sitting there?
201
00:07:30,052 --> 00:07:31,997
I'm standing, and a long time.
202
00:07:32,021 --> 00:07:34,883
Okay, well, you can just wipe
that smirk off your face.
203
00:07:34,907 --> 00:07:37,085
I know plenty of people who
have counted me out before.
204
00:07:37,109 --> 00:07:38,937
Mm-hmm.
And while I have absolutely
205
00:07:38,961 --> 00:07:42,891
no way of confirming this,
I'm positive they're all dead.
206
00:07:42,915 --> 00:07:44,793
I hope not.
207
00:07:44,817 --> 00:07:48,931
But, uh, since you're so sure,
how about we raise...
208
00:07:48,955 --> 00:07:51,667
This is in the way.
209
00:07:51,691 --> 00:07:52,951
How about we raise the stakes?
210
00:07:52,975 --> 00:07:54,786
Oh, okay, a side bet. Mm-hmm.
211
00:07:54,810 --> 00:07:56,555
Alright, what are you thinking?
212
00:07:56,579 --> 00:07:58,740
Hmm.
213
00:07:58,764 --> 00:08:00,058
I don't know.
I'm confident I'm winning,
214
00:08:00,082 --> 00:08:02,127
but I don't have anything
of value or any money.
215
00:08:02,151 --> 00:08:04,930
Okay, how about we wager
something you can't possibly
216
00:08:04,954 --> 00:08:07,482
put a price on... dignity?
217
00:08:07,506 --> 00:08:08,050
Oh.
218
00:08:08,074 --> 00:08:11,570
Loser has to streak
at the Sixers game.
219
00:08:11,594 --> 00:08:12,704
Yeah. Yep.
220
00:08:12,728 --> 00:08:13,956
Mm-hmm.
221
00:08:13,980 --> 00:08:16,158
Definitely, I would do that,
but, also, um,
222
00:08:16,182 --> 00:08:21,013
something else
that could be just as bad is,
223
00:08:21,037 --> 00:08:24,616
loser has to be a guest
on Jacob's podcast.
224
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:25,801
Equally as humiliating.
225
00:08:25,825 --> 00:08:28,294
Alright. Okay.
226
00:08:29,512 --> 00:08:30,606
Okay, listen up.
227
00:08:30,630 --> 00:08:31,957
Y'all already heard the news.
228
00:08:31,981 --> 00:08:34,092
Levi, Deja, and Bryana
have pink eye.
229
00:08:34,116 --> 00:08:36,628
Now, I know they were
leading the charge,
230
00:08:36,652 --> 00:08:39,698
but we are still in this. Right?
231
00:08:39,722 --> 00:08:41,066
We can come back
from this setback,
232
00:08:41,090 --> 00:08:44,136
and when we do, it will make
the victory all the sweeter,
233
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:47,706
because, my little eagles,
these are the moments
234
00:08:47,730 --> 00:08:50,175
that will define
the rest of your lives.
235
00:08:50,199 --> 00:08:52,561
You don't want to look back
on this week
236
00:08:52,585 --> 00:08:53,228
when you're 35 and think,
237
00:08:53,252 --> 00:08:56,815
"Man, if I had only won
that reading thing."
238
00:08:56,839 --> 00:09:00,686
So, who is gonna step up
and lead this class
239
00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:02,721
to eternal glory?
240
00:09:02,745 --> 00:09:04,673
I'll read the class
to eternal glory.
241
00:09:04,697 --> 00:09:06,058
That's right, Mya. Who else?
242
00:09:06,082 --> 00:09:08,660
I guess I can read
while I watch TV.
243
00:09:08,684 --> 00:09:10,128
Yeah. If I listen
to an audiobook
244
00:09:10,152 --> 00:09:12,197
while I fall asleep,
that counts, right?
245
00:09:12,221 --> 00:09:15,050
I don't need to know how you do
it, just get those books read.
246
00:09:15,074 --> 00:09:18,987
Alright, let's go!
Crack those books!
247
00:09:19,011 --> 00:09:22,541
A skunk sat on a stump
and thunk the stump stunk.
248
00:09:22,565 --> 00:09:23,141
Stump. Thunk.
249
00:09:23,165 --> 00:09:24,776
What are you doing?
I'm checking levels.
250
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:25,911
Can you hear me?
251
00:09:25,935 --> 00:09:28,046
I really wish I couldn't.
[ Door opens ]
252
00:09:28,070 --> 00:09:30,916
Don't mind me. I'm just here
to make fun of you.
253
00:09:30,940 --> 00:09:32,067
Thank you for the honesty.
254
00:09:32,091 --> 00:09:34,586
Okay. Is everybody good
on the theme?
255
00:09:34,610 --> 00:09:36,488
Yep. "Cafeteria Blues."
256
00:09:36,512 --> 00:09:37,572
We got plenty on that.
257
00:09:37,596 --> 00:09:38,323
Well, I knew you would.
258
00:09:38,347 --> 00:09:41,660
Okay, Producer Mr. Eddie,
roll that royalty-free music,
259
00:09:41,684 --> 00:09:43,962
and I will jump into my intro.
260
00:09:43,986 --> 00:09:46,965
[ Mellow electronic music
plays ]
261
00:09:46,989 --> 00:09:48,867
Lunchtime can be so polarizing.
262
00:09:48,891 --> 00:09:50,869
For some, it's a well-earned
mid-day break.
263
00:09:50,893 --> 00:09:53,071
For others,
a bit more complicated.
264
00:09:53,095 --> 00:09:55,107
In West Philadelphia,
I'm Jacob Hill.
265
00:09:55,131 --> 00:09:58,026
Today on "This Abbott Life,"
two of our producers tell us
266
00:09:58,050 --> 00:10:01,063
about those cafeteria
complications firsthand.
267
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:04,599
Gentlemen? What's up, Mr. C?
268
00:10:04,623 --> 00:10:05,684
Man!
269
00:10:05,708 --> 00:10:07,786
The Abbott cafeteria
is a whole movie.
270
00:10:07,810 --> 00:10:08,820
Right.
271
00:10:08,844 --> 00:10:10,789
All the school baddies
in one place.
272
00:10:10,813 --> 00:10:12,607
We're talking about
the cafeteria,
273
00:10:12,631 --> 00:10:14,009
and you're talking about girls?
274
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:15,894
Lunchtime's
about starting rumors.
275
00:10:15,918 --> 00:10:19,915
Otherwise, the bus ride home
is going to be boring!
276
00:10:19,939 --> 00:10:22,801
Like the rumor that
you pee in pools? [ Laughs ]
277
00:10:22,825 --> 00:10:24,703
Yo, that's a whole lie.
278
00:10:24,727 --> 00:10:25,754
Show some respect.
279
00:10:25,778 --> 00:10:26,855
I'm trying to respect
these jawns,
280
00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:27,923
but you're over there
blocking me.
281
00:10:27,947 --> 00:10:30,993
Okay, alright.
Um, yeah, good, uh, energy,
282
00:10:31,017 --> 00:10:33,061
but maybe rein it in a tad.
283
00:10:33,085 --> 00:10:36,615
Remember, this is about
journalistic storytelling, okay?
284
00:10:36,639 --> 00:10:37,733
There's no need to argue.
285
00:10:37,757 --> 00:10:39,785
This is what podcasts are about.
286
00:10:39,809 --> 00:10:41,053
We're just being ourselves.
287
00:10:41,077 --> 00:10:43,739
Yeah, I checked out
some of those podcasts
288
00:10:43,763 --> 00:10:45,023
you were telling us about.
289
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:46,792
It's like listening to school.
290
00:10:46,816 --> 00:10:47,909
Don't waste your time.
291
00:10:47,933 --> 00:10:50,012
Those nerds speak like
a bow tie came to life.
292
00:10:50,036 --> 00:10:52,831
Well, we all know that
Michael Barbaro milks it a bit.
293
00:10:52,855 --> 00:10:54,916
But you have to master
the fundamentals of podcasting
294
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:58,570
before you can break them,
right, Producer Mr. Eddie?
295
00:10:58,594 --> 00:10:59,321
Oh, I wasn't listening.
296
00:10:59,345 --> 00:11:01,006
Oh... But please don't feel
the need to repeat yourself.
297
00:11:01,030 --> 00:11:02,991
Can I at least tell the story
about that one time
298
00:11:03,015 --> 00:11:04,059
when I was spitting game
to Emily?
299
00:11:04,083 --> 00:11:05,861
No, no. Sorry. That would be...
300
00:11:05,885 --> 00:11:07,095
Jacob, let that boy speak.
301
00:11:07,119 --> 00:11:10,499
Emily is top-10 popular,
and I need that tea.
302
00:11:10,523 --> 00:11:12,241
Come on, let's get it.
303
00:11:14,994 --> 00:11:16,905
[ Gasps ] Ooh, look,
look, look, look! Hello.
304
00:11:16,929 --> 00:11:19,124
Okay. According to this chart,
Janine,
305
00:11:19,148 --> 00:11:21,727
my class is way ahead of yours.
306
00:11:21,751 --> 00:11:22,928
Let me get this straight.
307
00:11:22,952 --> 00:11:25,130
Three of your best readers go
down with pink eye. Mm-hmm.
308
00:11:25,154 --> 00:11:27,799
And, yet, somehow,
your class starts
309
00:11:27,823 --> 00:11:29,935
reading more books
than everyone?
310
00:11:29,959 --> 00:11:32,671
Yeah, 'cause I give one hell
of an inspiring speech.
311
00:11:32,695 --> 00:11:34,005
You know, we Schemmentis
pride ourselves
312
00:11:34,029 --> 00:11:36,675
on our art of coercion.
313
00:11:36,699 --> 00:11:37,843
Motivation.
314
00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:39,127
You know, if it wasn't for
one of Melissa's speeches,
315
00:11:39,151 --> 00:11:41,029
I never would have watched
"The King's Speech."
316
00:11:41,053 --> 00:11:42,714
Mm-hmm. But I tell you what.
317
00:11:42,738 --> 00:11:46,134
That Colin Powell
sure can act. Mm!
318
00:11:46,158 --> 00:11:49,137
Yeah, well, speech or no speech,
something is off.
319
00:11:49,161 --> 00:11:51,723
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
320
00:11:51,747 --> 00:11:54,493
Are you accusing me
of cheating, Teagues?
321
00:11:54,517 --> 00:11:55,143
Uh, yeah.
322
00:11:55,167 --> 00:11:57,729
Only because you brag
about cheating all the time.
323
00:11:57,753 --> 00:11:58,647
[ Scoffs ]
324
00:11:58,671 --> 00:11:59,781
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
325
00:11:59,805 --> 00:12:03,935
Now, now, Melissa does cheat
from time to time.
326
00:12:03,959 --> 00:12:05,754
Yeah, my first boyfriend.
327
00:12:05,778 --> 00:12:07,005
My... My second boyfriend.
328
00:12:07,029 --> 00:12:08,974
Keto diet 'cause
I ain't giving up carbs.
329
00:12:08,998 --> 00:12:11,860
My... But she would never
cheat on an actual competition.
330
00:12:11,884 --> 00:12:14,713
Yeah. What am I,
the USC athletic director?
331
00:12:14,737 --> 00:12:15,897
Okay, fine. You know what?
332
00:12:15,921 --> 00:12:17,983
I'm gonna go right now and check
my readers' reports
333
00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:19,868
just to make sure
we're on the level, alright?
334
00:12:19,892 --> 00:12:22,170
Look, listen, all I'm saying is,
I just want things to be fair.
335
00:12:22,194 --> 00:12:26,432
And I bet when you watch sports,
you root for the refs.
336
00:12:27,516 --> 00:12:28,777
I do. You do?
337
00:12:28,801 --> 00:12:30,686
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
338
00:12:35,157 --> 00:12:39,604
Mya, could you bring that book
up to my desk, please?
339
00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:42,657
Great. What you reading, hon?
340
00:12:42,681 --> 00:12:46,761
"Rip Van Wi... ."
341
00:12:46,785 --> 00:12:47,913
That's okay. That's a hard one.
342
00:12:47,937 --> 00:12:50,949
"Rip Van Winkle." How is it?
343
00:12:50,973 --> 00:12:53,018
It's good? Yeah?
344
00:12:53,042 --> 00:12:54,970
So, on this form
your parents signed,
345
00:12:54,994 --> 00:12:58,039
it says that you read
like 25 books last night.
346
00:12:58,063 --> 00:13:00,275
I'm just checking... Is that the
number you meant to put down?
347
00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:03,778
Yes. I want to help the class
kick Ms. Teagues' butt.
348
00:13:03,802 --> 00:13:05,847
[ Laughs ] Yeah, you are.
349
00:13:05,871 --> 00:13:07,048
You sure are.
350
00:13:07,072 --> 00:13:10,752
Um, so, you said you, um,
read like 10 of those.
351
00:13:10,776 --> 00:13:11,970
"Berenstain Bears" books.
352
00:13:11,994 --> 00:13:14,689
Just remind me, what's the name
of the sister bear again?
353
00:13:14,713 --> 00:13:17,466
Mm, Beyoncé?
354
00:13:19,685 --> 00:13:21,997
[ Laughs ] Hey! Here they are.
355
00:13:22,021 --> 00:13:25,967
The hosts of Abbott Elementary's
number-one podcast.
356
00:13:25,991 --> 00:13:28,420
What'd you think of
that first ep I dropped?
357
00:13:28,444 --> 00:13:29,471
Droll, right?
358
00:13:29,495 --> 00:13:30,689
This episode blows.
359
00:13:30,713 --> 00:13:33,625
[ Aa-ooga sound effect ]
360
00:13:33,649 --> 00:13:34,626
Sorry.
361
00:13:34,650 --> 00:13:35,844
Whoa, what do you mean?
362
00:13:35,868 --> 00:13:37,295
You ruined our episode.
363
00:13:37,319 --> 00:13:40,732
Jacob: The cafeteria staff say
negotiations with the district
364
00:13:40,756 --> 00:13:41,850
come down to one thing.
365
00:13:41,874 --> 00:13:43,952
Clarence: Respect.
Raheem: Respect.
366
00:13:43,976 --> 00:13:46,104
Respect. Chapter 3.
367
00:13:46,128 --> 00:13:48,757
The popular-kids' table
can be a daunting...
368
00:13:48,781 --> 00:13:49,858
[ Beep, recording stops ]
369
00:13:49,882 --> 00:13:51,877
This isn't what we recorded.
370
00:13:51,901 --> 00:13:52,878
This is your script.
371
00:13:52,902 --> 00:13:54,095
Producer Gregory
and I thought...
372
00:13:54,119 --> 00:13:55,931
Uh, Mr. Eddie had nothing
to do with this.
373
00:13:55,955 --> 00:14:00,018
Okay, I thought that a more
school-appropriate version
374
00:14:00,042 --> 00:14:03,255
would be more appropriate
for school.
375
00:14:03,279 --> 00:14:05,674
And, look, there's a learning
curve here, you know?
376
00:14:05,698 --> 00:14:07,876
We are all... You censored us.
377
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:10,011
Okay, do not say that.
378
00:14:10,035 --> 00:14:12,414
This isn't what
we signed up for.
379
00:14:12,438 --> 00:14:13,448
Yeah, man.
380
00:14:13,472 --> 00:14:15,050
We quit.
381
00:14:15,074 --> 00:14:17,352
I was really excited for this,
too.
382
00:14:17,376 --> 00:14:19,704
Um...
383
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:20,989
Do we still get paid
for the club
384
00:14:21,013 --> 00:14:24,509
if there are no students
in the club?
385
00:14:24,533 --> 00:14:25,810
No.
386
00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:29,321
[ Wah-wah-wah-wah sound effect ]
387
00:14:32,841 --> 00:14:34,903
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
388
00:14:34,927 --> 00:14:36,288
Hey. Come... Come sit down.
389
00:14:36,312 --> 00:14:39,074
Hey, Mya, why don't you go read
one of those books I put out.
390
00:14:39,098 --> 00:14:41,576
How about I read all the books?
391
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:42,327
Okay.
392
00:14:42,351 --> 00:14:45,830
Listen, I just wanted to check
in with you guys about Mya.
393
00:14:45,854 --> 00:14:47,782
Is something wrong? Is she okay?
394
00:14:47,806 --> 00:14:48,783
Oh, no, no.
395
00:14:48,807 --> 00:14:50,752
She's fantastic.
Are you kidding?
396
00:14:50,776 --> 00:14:52,103
She's got her math down
to a science
397
00:14:52,127 --> 00:14:53,788
and her science down to an art.
398
00:14:53,812 --> 00:14:56,091
[ Chuckles ] Hey!
399
00:14:56,115 --> 00:14:59,244
Um, yeah, okay, so, the thing is
that she brought in her.
400
00:14:59,268 --> 00:15:02,981
Read-A-Thon list this morning
that you guys signed off on.
401
00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:04,916
And I just don't see
how it's possible
402
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:07,636
she read all these books
just last night.
403
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:09,588
Of course she did.
404
00:15:09,612 --> 00:15:11,723
Listen, she's fantastic,
405
00:15:11,747 --> 00:15:13,642
but none of the kids
in the class
406
00:15:13,666 --> 00:15:15,710
can read 25 books in one night.
407
00:15:15,734 --> 00:15:18,063
She's still a fine reader. Okay.
408
00:15:18,087 --> 00:15:22,801
Mya, who is your favorite
character in "Curious George"?
409
00:15:22,825 --> 00:15:26,638
Um, George?
410
00:15:26,662 --> 00:15:27,922
See? Here's the thing.
411
00:15:27,946 --> 00:15:31,743
Mya is just starting to show
some initial signs
412
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,094
of struggling with reading.
413
00:15:33,118 --> 00:15:37,048
And the last thing that I want
is for her to get frustrated
414
00:15:37,072 --> 00:15:38,767
and then, you know, get annoyed
415
00:15:38,791 --> 00:15:40,852
and give up
on reading altogether.
416
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:43,355
So I just thought,
if we get her tested,
417
00:15:43,379 --> 00:15:45,857
we can eliminate any issues
she might have with reading...
418
00:15:45,881 --> 00:15:47,976
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Mya doesn't need some tests.
419
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,629
I know that the idea
of testing your child
420
00:15:50,653 --> 00:15:51,780
can be a little scary,
421
00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:54,015
but, listen, we just don't
want her to fall behind.
422
00:15:54,039 --> 00:15:55,684
There is nothing wrong with her.
423
00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:56,885
Oh, no, no, no.
424
00:15:56,909 --> 00:15:58,970
Mr. and Mrs. Okafor, I never
said she was falling behind.
425
00:15:58,994 --> 00:16:00,121
There's nothing wrong with her.
426
00:16:00,145 --> 00:16:01,856
She's a fantastic student.
Mya, let's go.
427
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,676
She just needs a little extra
help just in the reading.
428
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:05,977
Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
429
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:10,382
I just finished four more books,
Ms. Schemmenti.
430
00:16:10,406 --> 00:16:12,224
Four.
431
00:16:19,248 --> 00:16:20,909
Okay, guys, after re-running
the numbers,
432
00:16:20,933 --> 00:16:23,278
it appears that Ms. Teagues'
class read more books than us.
433
00:16:23,302 --> 00:16:26,781
[ Kids groan ] Yeah, no,
no. Don't get it twisted.
434
00:16:26,805 --> 00:16:27,916
Let's think about it.
435
00:16:27,940 --> 00:16:30,018
If you're in Ms. Teagues' class,
are you really a winner?
436
00:16:30,042 --> 00:16:31,820
[ Laughter ]
Alright, don't repeat that.
437
00:16:31,844 --> 00:16:33,104
I just wanted to let
you chipmunks know
438
00:16:33,128 --> 00:16:35,790
how proud I am of you,
all the books you read.
439
00:16:35,814 --> 00:16:37,909
And when you walk out
of this classroom,
440
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:40,929
you keep your heads held high,
'cause, at the end of the day,
441
00:16:40,953 --> 00:16:44,699
all that really matters is,
everyone's eating pizza.
442
00:16:44,723 --> 00:16:45,917
Ms. Schemmenti? Yes?
443
00:16:45,941 --> 00:16:48,970
I really tried to help our class
read the most books,
444
00:16:48,994 --> 00:16:51,072
but can I be done
with books now?
445
00:16:51,096 --> 00:16:53,549
I mean, the contest is over,
right?
446
00:16:55,951 --> 00:16:58,063
Yeah, actually, Mya,
can I get your help
447
00:16:58,087 --> 00:17:00,048
with something
in the hall real quick?
448
00:17:00,072 --> 00:17:02,734
Great.
You guys keep eating your pizza.
449
00:17:02,758 --> 00:17:03,802
Okay.
450
00:17:03,826 --> 00:17:06,788
So, Mya, I-I want
to ask you something,
451
00:17:06,812 --> 00:17:09,708
and I want you to be honest
with me, okay?
452
00:17:09,732 --> 00:17:11,793
'Cause, remember, it's me,
Ms. Schemmenti.
453
00:17:11,817 --> 00:17:14,829
Remember when we trekked
through that snowstorm together?
454
00:17:14,853 --> 00:17:16,564
Stomp, stomp, stomp!
455
00:17:16,588 --> 00:17:18,733
Abominable! Abominable!
456
00:17:18,757 --> 00:17:19,884
Yeah.
457
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:24,973
Um, can reading feel just, like,
a little tough sometimes?
458
00:17:24,997 --> 00:17:27,025
A lot of tough. Oh, yeah.
459
00:17:27,049 --> 00:17:29,694
You know what? For me, too.
460
00:17:29,718 --> 00:17:31,663
Really? Yeah, yeah.
461
00:17:31,687 --> 00:17:34,632
But I found some tricks
over the years
462
00:17:34,656 --> 00:17:35,750
to help make it easier.
463
00:17:35,774 --> 00:17:37,786
Like, look.
464
00:17:37,810 --> 00:17:40,205
You see the beginning of each
of the words is highlighted?
465
00:17:40,229 --> 00:17:43,675
That helps make sense out of
the whole word "minestrone."
466
00:17:43,699 --> 00:17:46,961
See, the story's about
a little girl who, um,
467
00:17:46,985 --> 00:17:50,799
had to read things a few times
till they made sense.
468
00:17:50,823 --> 00:17:52,584
And, sometimes,
some of the other kids
469
00:17:52,608 --> 00:17:54,018
would make fun of her.
470
00:17:54,042 --> 00:17:56,104
But at the end, she figures out
471
00:17:56,128 --> 00:17:59,557
that it doesn't matter
how fast or slow you read.
472
00:17:59,581 --> 00:18:01,226
Reading's about having fun.
473
00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:06,448
See, my teacher gave this to me
when I was a little girl,
474
00:18:06,472 --> 00:18:07,866
just about your age,
475
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:12,411
and I promise you,
I grew up to love reading.
476
00:18:14,863 --> 00:18:16,658
Ms. Schemmenti? Yeah, hon?
477
00:18:16,682 --> 00:18:18,793
I still wish we would have won.
478
00:18:18,817 --> 00:18:21,696
Yeah, me, too, kiddo, but,
you know, what are you gonna do?
479
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:22,714
The rules are the rules.
480
00:18:22,738 --> 00:18:23,848
Rules stink.
481
00:18:23,872 --> 00:18:25,550
Yeah, they do.
482
00:18:25,574 --> 00:18:27,392
Go have some pizza.
483
00:18:29,611 --> 00:18:31,623
[ Door opens ]
484
00:18:31,647 --> 00:18:32,664
[ Door closes ]
485
00:18:33,982 --> 00:18:35,727
What happened to
your little podcast club?
486
00:18:35,751 --> 00:18:37,061
Oh. [ Sighs ]
487
00:18:37,085 --> 00:18:38,963
Kids decided they didn't want
to do it anymore.
488
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:40,131
Yeah, I don't blame them.
489
00:18:40,155 --> 00:18:42,550
I almost fell asleep listening
to the first episode.
490
00:18:42,574 --> 00:18:43,051
And I was driving.
491
00:18:43,075 --> 00:18:45,787
Your podcast
could have killed me.
492
00:18:45,811 --> 00:18:48,840
I just wanted to give the kids
something new
493
00:18:48,864 --> 00:18:50,041
and exciting to do, you know?
494
00:18:50,065 --> 00:18:51,993
New and exciting for them
or for you?
495
00:18:52,017 --> 00:18:53,094
'Cause it sounds like you
were trying to force them
496
00:18:53,118 --> 00:18:55,997
to do something
that you want to do.
497
00:18:56,021 --> 00:18:58,600
[ Mockingly ]
You're a bad teacher.
498
00:18:58,624 --> 00:18:59,984
Oh, my God.
499
00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:02,053
I've had this exact
nightmare before.
500
00:19:02,077 --> 00:19:03,822
Yeah, people tell me that a lot.
501
00:19:03,846 --> 00:19:05,673
I call it "Ava vu." [déjà vu]
502
00:19:05,697 --> 00:19:06,724
Now get out of here.
503
00:19:06,748 --> 00:19:07,759
There's a new episode
of "Below Deck"
504
00:19:07,783 --> 00:19:09,661
that I got to review
for my podcast,
505
00:19:09,685 --> 00:19:12,714
"Small Deck Energy."
506
00:19:12,738 --> 00:19:14,065
I wanted to be like
Sarah Koenig,
507
00:19:14,089 --> 00:19:18,136
you know, a graceful hand to
hold through gripping stories.
508
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,738
And, instead, I tried to force
my agenda
509
00:19:20,762 --> 00:19:23,265
onto impressionable listeners.
510
00:19:24,867 --> 00:19:26,535
I Rogan'd.
511
00:19:27,719 --> 00:19:30,064
Melissa, I'm sorry you lost.
512
00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:32,884
What do you think Jacob's gonna
ask you on that podcast?
513
00:19:32,908 --> 00:19:35,377
Oh, I'm not doing that crap.
514
00:19:38,647 --> 00:19:39,858
[ Laughs ] See that?
515
00:19:39,882 --> 00:19:42,176
I'm like a tall Simone Biles.
[ Exhales deeply ]
516
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:45,830
Times like these, I'm reminded
of Sir LeVar Burton,
517
00:19:45,854 --> 00:19:49,000
who taught us that reading
is like a rainbow,
518
00:19:49,024 --> 00:19:51,970
and the pot of gold
is that I won.
519
00:19:51,994 --> 00:19:54,005
You know, Janine,
I re-read the rules
520
00:19:54,029 --> 00:19:56,591
that Dough Nuts prints out
on their form.
521
00:19:56,615 --> 00:19:57,141
Um, you know, sometimes,
522
00:19:57,165 --> 00:19:58,860
it takes me reading
through things
523
00:19:58,884 --> 00:20:01,629
a couple of times
before I get everything.
524
00:20:01,653 --> 00:20:03,147
"The winning teacher
is determined
525
00:20:03,171 --> 00:20:06,784
by whichever classroom
reads the most books."
526
00:20:06,808 --> 00:20:08,820
And since my
second-and-third-grade class
527
00:20:08,844 --> 00:20:11,789
are in one room, the classroom,
528
00:20:11,813 --> 00:20:13,107
I get to add
their totals together,
529
00:20:13,131 --> 00:20:17,662
which, unfortunately for you,
means I won.
530
00:20:17,686 --> 00:20:19,288
Dough Nuts said whats?
531
00:20:27,262 --> 00:20:28,156
I'm glad to be back, Mr. C.
Yeah.
532
00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:29,991
Thanks for letting us
make it our own.
533
00:20:30,015 --> 00:20:34,178
For "This Abbott Life,"
here's Clarence and Raheem.
534
00:20:34,202 --> 00:20:37,932
So, what questions do you little
reporters have for me today?
535
00:20:37,956 --> 00:20:40,718
My mama said she saw you
at the club grindin'
536
00:20:40,742 --> 00:20:44,622
all up on Producer Mr. Eddie.
537
00:20:44,646 --> 00:20:45,857
Oh, uh... Uh...
538
00:20:45,881 --> 00:20:46,891
What kind of podcast is this?
539
00:20:46,915 --> 00:20:48,893
Okay, so you were grinding.
540
00:20:48,917 --> 00:20:50,278
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I was not...
541
00:20:50,302 --> 00:20:53,865
We were dancing, you know, just
how normal people dance, right?
542
00:20:53,889 --> 00:20:55,149
Like normal people. Yeah.
543
00:20:55,173 --> 00:20:57,819
Clarence's mom said
she saw you leave together.
544
00:20:57,843 --> 00:20:58,803
What?! That is not true.
545
00:20:58,827 --> 00:20:59,904
Hmm. Then what happened?
546
00:20:59,928 --> 00:21:02,473
I was outside talking
to his friend Maurice.
547
00:21:02,497 --> 00:21:03,191
What?
548
00:21:03,215 --> 00:21:06,044
Uh, Jacob, isn't this exactly
the kind of podcast
549
00:21:06,068 --> 00:21:08,780
you wanted to steer away from?
550
00:21:08,804 --> 00:21:09,864
Actually, I would love to hear,
551
00:21:09,888 --> 00:21:10,932
if you have anything
you'd like to add.
552
00:21:10,956 --> 00:21:13,659
You know,
for journalistic purposes.
553
00:21:15,927 --> 00:21:18,189
This episode was brought to you
by the Coleman Podcast Network.
554
00:21:18,213 --> 00:21:20,582
Yeah, we're still waiting
for that answer.
555
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,423
- - Captions by VITAC...