1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,794 {\an8}Finally, the district has started a new community initiative 2 00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,796 {\an8}that sends volunteers out to all the schools. 3 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,465 So we're gonna have some people coming in next week to help us out. 4 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:10,134 Thank God, 'cause I need some help. 5 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:13,679 - I've been asking for an aide for decades. - I'm so behind in grading. 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,390 It takes a surprising amount of effort to give everyone an A for effort. 7 00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:18,767 I'm happy the community wants to lend a hand 8 00:00:18,768 --> 00:00:20,269 when there's nothing in it for them. 9 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:23,731 Well, maybe they can get someone to come deep clean the coffee machine. 10 00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:28,193 Okay, I get it! Didn't y'all hear me say volunteers are coming? 11 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:31,488 Yeesh. Y'all act like I let this school fall apart. 12 00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:33,907 Oh! 13 00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,159 - Again? - Everybody okay? 14 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,327 What, you haunted now or something? 15 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:52,968 Why are you calling me? It's 7:30 a.m. on a Monday. 16 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,095 {\an8}Yes, it is good to hear from me. 17 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,722 {\an8}So listen, we need a new scoreboard. 18 00:00:56,723 --> 00:00:58,474 {\an8}Just wondering when y'all can drop one off. 19 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,018 {\an8}Preferably something in the JumboTron family. 20 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:05,898 {\an8}Hmm. Looks like the earliest I can get someone out there is never. 21 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,357 {\an8}- Excuse me? - That's right. 22 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:08,609 {\an8}Now that we're fully unionized, 23 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,861 {\an8}you don't have any dirt on us that could halt construction. 24 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:13,698 {\an8}You're out of leverage, and you're not getting a scoreboard. 25 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:16,742 {\an8}Listen to me, you bespectacled little milksop. 26 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,659 {\an8}- Excuse me? 27 00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:18,952 {\an8}The volunteers are here. 28 00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:21,581 {\an8}Okay, Malala, girl. I talk to you later. 29 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:23,791 {\an8}Guess which Malala that was. 30 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:27,169 {\an8} Thank goodness the volunteers get here today. 31 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:30,672 {\an8}It is so weird how we all fall behind after break when we get back. 32 00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:32,174 {\an8}Yeah, not me. I'm good. 33 00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,384 {\an8}I'm actually ahead of schedule. 34 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,178 {\an8}Well, I'm drowning. 35 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:38,097 {\an8}I could use some help in the garden. 36 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:41,058 {\an8}That special compost I put down apparently has the raccoons 37 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,185 {\an8}starting a little Goofball Garden program of their own. 38 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,353 {\an8}- Aw, cute. - No. 39 00:01:44,354 --> 00:01:46,313 {\an8}I need help with my vents. 40 00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:49,233 {\an8}Some of the seats in my room are too cold, others too hot. 41 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,068 {\an8}It's a whole Goldilocks sitch. 42 00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,320 {\an8}You know, if a girl came into my house 43 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:56,324 {\an8}and ate my porridge and slept in my bed, I'm eating her ass. 44 00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,995 {\an8}To be clear, in this hypothetical, I'm a bear. 45 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:03,622 {\an8}The animal. 46 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:06,792 {\an8} Abbotts and Elementors, the volunteers have arrived. 47 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,752 {\an8}Come on down and claim your minions. 48 00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:09,878 {\an8}New friends! 49 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:14,133 {\an8}Thank you for giving back to your-- well, not your-- a community. 50 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,467 {\an8}Here are your badges. 51 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,011 {\an8}Oh, badges, huh? Cool. Very cool. 52 00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:20,180 {\an8} Welcome to Abbott Elementary, 53 00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:21,890 {\an8}the best elementary school in the universe. 54 00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:23,934 {\an8}- Is that what this is? - Ignore her. 55 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,978 {\an8}We are the best volunteers in the universe. 56 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,605 {\an8}This is Frank. I'm Mac, Dee, Dennis and Charlie. 57 00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:29,982 {\an8}- How you doing? - Hi, guys. 58 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,526 {\an8}Quick question. Um, what's the deal with all the cameras? 59 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,403 {\an8}We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on. 60 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,739 {\an8}- Don't worry about it. - Uh, no. No. I don't think so. 61 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,658 {\an8}I know quite a bit about filming and consent. 62 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,828 {\an8}I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera, thank you. 63 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,371 {\an8}- See? - Yeah, okay. 64 00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:45,455 {\an8}- He's camera-shy. - Cool. 65 00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:48,333 {\an8}Well, um, do any of you have any experience with duct work? 66 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,127 {\an8}Oh, I've done tons of duck work. 67 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,545 {\an8}You said "duck work"? 68 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,629 {\an8}Or-Or duct? 69 00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:54,173 {\an8} What did you say? 70 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,924 {\an8}Oh, has anyone ever worked in a garden? 71 00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,509 {\an8}I lived outside. 72 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,679 {\an8}- Oh... Okay. - You guys look familiar to me. 73 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,472 {\an8}- No, we don't. - Yeah, you do. 74 00:03:02,473 --> 00:03:04,433 {\an8}Like, I know you from somewhere. 75 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:07,102 - I would've known if I saw you. - We don't do schools usually, so... 76 00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:09,730 Wait, did you ever get into a fight at an Eagles game? 77 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,148 - Of course. Yeah. - Of course. 78 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,232 - Have you? - You kidding me? 79 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:14,443 Are you kidding? When have I not? 80 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,403 I mean, you gotta do it, you gotta do it. 81 00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,405 Okay, that's what it is then. All right. Go Birds. 82 00:03:18,406 --> 00:03:21,074 Go Birds. Yeah. I like her. That's cool. 83 00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:24,494 If Caucasian cultural exchange is over, let's get to the free work. 84 00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:25,662 - Okay, yeah. - Okay. 85 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:26,998 - Yeah, great. - Go Birds. 86 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:31,752 But what they were not prepared for, the scourge of trench warfare. 87 00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,837 All right, your vent is fixed. 88 00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:35,172 Thank you, Charlie. 89 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,591 That thing's been dumping hot air on me for weeks. 90 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,509 I've been positively sudoriferous. 91 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,803 Oh, yeah, you got one of those? Yeah, I got a rash. 92 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:45,557 What you learning in here, huh? Oh, about innovative "wear"? 93 00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:47,100 Classic fashion concerns. 94 00:03:47,101 --> 00:03:49,519 All right, well, first of all, ironing's a myth. 95 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,771 - Doesn't work. - Oh, no. 96 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:54,358 Uh, you mean the Industrial War? 97 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,442 Apologies. 98 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:58,320 The students say I have the handwriting of a possessed doll. 99 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,572 No... [stammers] ...I knew that. Yeah, Industrial War. 100 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,449 And that was a... that was a big one. 101 00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,952 'Cause, you know, the industries, you know, were fighting each other. 102 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,036 Were fighting each other. 103 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:07,246 Big robots. 104 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:12,542 And there were, of course, lots of marines and crazy vermin, and, uh, aliens. 105 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:14,879 And that was, uh, very baffling for them and... 106 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,714 You don't need me teaching. Seems like you got it. 107 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,592 Maybe I'll see if there's any other fashion classes for me to pop in on 108 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:23,263 and, uh, give some more pointers. Never iron. 109 00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,515 This school, man. 110 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,977 Hey. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? 111 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,645 Composting. 112 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:35,482 Compost is made of food waste, not batteries. 113 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,776 No, no, the batteries are robot food. 114 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:39,903 They're full of rare earth metals. 115 00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:42,614 - Plants love 'em. - You throw any more of my trash in there 116 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,866 and I won't be responsible for what happens next. 117 00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,286 - Is that a threat? - You damn right, that's a threat. 118 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,998 Okay. All right. Hold on. Calm down. This is exactly what the raccoons want. 119 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:55,294 The game plan for today is to get the compost back into the planters 120 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,171 and spread garlic and chili powder around to deter the raccoons. 121 00:04:58,172 --> 00:04:59,298 Garlic and chili powder? 122 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,133 You're gonna make the dirt taste delicious. 123 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:04,970 There's only one way to get rid of raccoons: intimidation. 124 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:09,099 You try and intimidate a raccoon, that'll be the last thing you ever do. 125 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,350 You gotta trap 'em. 126 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,269 Raccoons are too smart for traps. 127 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:15,897 You need pelts with alpha-predator urine. 128 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:18,525 - Yeah, I'm definitely not doing that. - Suit yourself. 129 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:22,029 But you should rename this place A Buffet Elementary. 130 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,530 That's not our name. 131 00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:25,825 We're named after a historical racist. 132 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:28,869 Congratulations. 133 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:32,289 Maybe you can hang up the kids' drawings while I just help them with the lesson. 134 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,916 - You got it. - Cool. 135 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,335 Penn? Oh, hell yeah. 136 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,878 Yeah, Penn. I went to Penn. 137 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:40,589 I'm so sorry. That is a knee-jerk reaction I have. 138 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,384 Don't you dare apologize. I went there too. 139 00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,803 - What? - Yeah, I basically lived on Locust Walk. 140 00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:50,140 Wha-- [chuckles] As you should, because how else are you gonna get 141 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:51,850 - to Smokey Joe's? - ...to Smokey Joe's? 142 00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:53,352 No way! 143 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,062 - Uh, hello? - Oh, h-hi. 144 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:57,606 Go ahead and double-check your work if you're finished, okay? 145 00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:59,608 And remember to write your name at the top. 146 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:03,820 Yeah, they always forget to do that. You are a natural. 147 00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,364 - I appreciate you seeing me. - Of course. 148 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,616 Class, can I have your attention? Real quick, up here. 149 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:11,704 I just want you to know, you are being taught by a genius. 150 00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:15,291 Okay. 151 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,877 Well, the, uh, school's all fixed up now. 152 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,755 So I was thinking, since we gave you such a boost, 153 00:06:21,756 --> 00:06:24,466 maybe you could sign this volunteer slip 154 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,593 and we could get out of your hair for the rest of the week. 155 00:06:26,594 --> 00:06:28,805 You know, sorta let the school soar. 156 00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:30,764 Stop wasting paper. 157 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,350 The district says you're here for the whole week. 158 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,018 Find something useful to do. 159 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,854 I already have a white guy that comes in here to annoy me. 160 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:40,023 Does anybody else think there's something seriously off 161 00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:41,566 about these volunteers? 162 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:44,111 That guy Frank accused my soil of lacking lithium. 163 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:46,321 I don't think they have backgrounds in education. 164 00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:48,281 Or, like, educations period. 165 00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:50,409 Okay, well, my volunteer certainly does. 166 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,994 She went to Penn, which is an Ivy. A lot of people confuse it 167 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:54,746 - for a state school. - I know. 168 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,415 Is she the one that stuck her head in my classroom, 169 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,624 asking can she light up in here? 170 00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,001 The tall, skinny one who's, like, hiding behind the cameras? 171 00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:04,005 He keeps asking me out to some gross bar with, like, 300 one-star reviews. 172 00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:06,258 - Wait, a gross bar in South? - Mm-mmm. 173 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,342 Yeah. 174 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:08,845 I knew I knew those schlubs. 175 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,429 Guys. 176 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,847 - What? - Come on. 177 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,473 Hey, hey, you guys. 178 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:17,561 You own that Paddy's Pub. That's the skeeviest bar I ever been to. 179 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:18,645 You're a bunch of lowlifes. 180 00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:20,188 - No. - Hey. 181 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,650 - What exactly are you doing here? - We're volunteering for community service. 182 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,527 - What's your angle? - If there even is one. 183 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,362 Guys, there's no angle. We're here to help. 184 00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,489 - Yes. - For at least a hundred hours. 185 00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:30,949 As the court order dictates. 186 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,243 Snakes in the garden. 187 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,327 You're criminals. 188 00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,787 - Oh, come on. - Okay. 189 00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:39,040 Is it a crime to dump a hundred gallons of baby oil in the Schuylkill? 190 00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,668 - And 500 Paddy's Pub T-shirts? - And a Cybertruck? 191 00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:43,963 - Yes! - Yeah, the judge thought so too. 192 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,048 She's right. We're criminals. 193 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,633 Of course they're criminals. 194 00:07:48,634 --> 00:07:51,011 That explains why Frank asked when he gets his one phone call. 195 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:52,137 Let's get 'em outta here. 196 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:55,807 Somebody just give me the word and I will have them disappeared like that. 197 00:07:56,726 --> 00:08:00,729 Ava, please remove these improper people from the premises post-haste. 198 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,648 Hold on. Dee has been super helpful in my class. 199 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:07,694 She took down the Christmas decorations I can't reach, she graded a spelling quiz 200 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:09,946 and she did go to one of the best schools in the country. 201 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:11,031 Janine, you're an adult. 202 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,366 Stop bragging about something you did when you were 17. 203 00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:16,036 And they're not "criminal" criminals, you know? 204 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,371 It's just a misdemeanor. 205 00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:19,456 Plus, if you kick them out, 206 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,791 the district will never send us help ever again. 207 00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:24,420 The free of it all is hard to say no to. 208 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,215 All right, the criminals can stay for now. 209 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,425 And I'll treat them just like everyone else. 210 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,094 With the utmost disrespect. 211 00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,264 - Follow you in here? - Hey, Melissa. Um... 212 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,516 Uh, whoa. Uh-oh. 213 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,392 Look at all the colors in here, man. 214 00:08:39,393 --> 00:08:41,144 This is so much cooler than your room. 215 00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,563 Um, do you have anything that Charlie could help out with 216 00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:44,981 maybe in... in your class? 217 00:08:44,982 --> 00:08:47,484 Nope, don't want him. Take him back up to the older kids. 218 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:50,153 Hey, Charlie, why don't you check some of the kids' work? 219 00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:51,863 Throw down some knowledge on these guys? 220 00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:52,949 - Sounds good. - Sure. 221 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,576 Yeah, I'm afraid that a seventh-grade curriculum 222 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,788 might be a little advanced for Charlie to help out with. 223 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,498 Honestly, I don't even know if he can read. 224 00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,291 He couldn't make out anything on the board. 225 00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:05,794 That doesn't mean he can't read. I'm dyslexic, you prick. 226 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,672 Lots of adults are. Maybe he is too. 227 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,673 Got a question over here. 228 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,342 How do you spell "light"? 229 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:13,760 Oh, light's... Light... Yeah. 230 00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,345 Well, uh, that's easy, really. 231 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:18,557 It's L-I-Y-T. 232 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,642 There's another L, which is one of those letters 233 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,269 that hides behind the other letter. 234 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:23,688 Or maybe he can't read. 235 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,814 This doesn't make any sense. 236 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,858 Raccoons hate chili powder and garlic. How is it worse? 237 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:32,779 I told you, the only way to get rid of a raccoon is intimidation. 238 00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:36,866 Now, I've got these premium pelts back at my place. 239 00:09:36,867 --> 00:09:40,787 I'm gonna soak 'em in the dankest urine you ever smelled. 240 00:09:40,788 --> 00:09:43,415 You'll never see another raccoon as long as you live. 241 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:46,084 This is a garden, not a Hollywood bachelor pad. 242 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:49,379 - We need a huge cage. - Have you ever even met a raccoon? 243 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,382 I met a famous one last spring. 244 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:55,427 I think what we have here is an embarrassment of riches, 245 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,972 so I'm just gonna let you two have at it. 246 00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:01,891 You're trash, you know that? 247 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:04,186 Coming from the sheriff of trash. 248 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:06,314 Principal Coleman, good morning. 249 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,025 Hmm. This coffee is cute as hell. 250 00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:12,277 I've been trying to get Dia to do this, 251 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:15,196 but Dia says that her arthritis makes her hands shake too bad. 252 00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,865 Right. Uh, it was my pleasure. 253 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:20,619 And let me know if there's anything you need, and I mean anything. 254 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:24,539 Hmm... I could use a white guy to serve as my vice president-- I mean principal. 255 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:28,335 You can start by planning a fire drill. This place is a tinderbox. 256 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:29,836 Yes, I could do that. 257 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:32,088 Or, when was the last time you had your car detailed? 258 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:36,051 Oh. Well, just yesterday, but go ahead and fill her up too. 259 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:41,014 And when Ben Franklin touched the key he had tied to the kite... 260 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:45,102 My bones! 261 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:48,063 That is so good. 262 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,689 - Oh. - Hello, Ms. Teagues. 263 00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,733 - Hi. - Can I borrow the left-handed scissors? 264 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,360 Oh, yeah. Of course. Be right back. 265 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,861 Guys, keep working. 266 00:10:54,862 --> 00:10:56,572 Well, well, well, well, well. 267 00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,033 Say, what brings a hunk like you into a classroom like this? 268 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,618 The left-handed scissors. 269 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,703 - You don't say. - Yeah. 270 00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:06,790 Well, fun fact about me: I am ambidextrous. 271 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:10,127 And you know what they say about ambidextrous girls. 272 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,881 That they can write with both hands? 273 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,511 You are so funny. 274 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,763 - Isn't he? So-- Hi. Got 'em. - Yeah. 275 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,640 - Yep. You're welcome. - Thank you. 276 00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,392 Mm-hmm. Thank you. 277 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:26,476 All right, guys. 278 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,853 Who can name something else that Ben Franklin invented? 279 00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:31,357 - Yo, white kid. What's Mr. Eddie's deal? - How about over here? 280 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,151 - Hey, guys, let's go. - Whoa. Check this out. 281 00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:37,070 There's gotta be, like, a hundred books in here. 282 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:40,074 Yeah, why don't you go take a look at some of the covers? 283 00:11:40,741 --> 00:11:42,325 So how's it going with that one? 284 00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:44,202 - My suspicions were first piqued when-- - He can't read. 285 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,286 Okay. 286 00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:47,205 - You sure? - Uh-oh. 287 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,915 This one doesn't even have pictures. 288 00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:51,376 You know, I used to teach adult literacy classes, 289 00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,920 and it's far more common nowadays than you think. 290 00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,004 Okay. 291 00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,091 Charlie, I am Mrs. Barbara Howard, educator. 292 00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,552 - I'd like to ask you a question. - Sure. 293 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,221 Do you have trouble reading? 294 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,973 No. I mean... [clears throat] ...no. 295 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,475 No, I can read any word at any time. 296 00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:10,562 My friends and I were actually talking about how well-read I am. 297 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,774 Yes, well, adult illiteracy is very common and there is no shame in needing help. 298 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:17,694 You know what? I'm not feeling great. I got a bit of a tummy ache. 299 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,362 You got a hall pass or something? 300 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:22,074 - It's on the wall. - On the wall. I see it. Okay. 301 00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:26,036 - All right. I'll be back. - That-- 302 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:31,041 He could probably recognize the word "bathroom" though, right? 303 00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:33,084 - Charlie! - Hurry. 304 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:36,296 For someone who's not getting paid, Mac has made himself surprisingly useful. 305 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,214 He's texting me to come outside... 306 00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:39,549 Can you keep that down? 307 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,092 I'm pontificating over here. 308 00:12:41,093 --> 00:12:42,510 And what is that smell? 309 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,429 It's the pelts, they're soaked in pee. 310 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,972 Which isn't gonna do anything. 311 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,891 Here you go. 312 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:50,685 Gassed up, detailed, and I rotated your tires. 313 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:54,105 My tires rotate every time I drive. Is that cinnamon air freshener? 314 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,483 - Even better. - Oh. 315 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,193 - Yeah. - Still warm. 316 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:01,362 There's probably not even anything left for us to do this week, 317 00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,948 so if you could just go ahead and sign the slip. 318 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:05,951 Oh, not right now. My hands are sticky. 319 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,460 Ooh, valentines in January. Nice, Ms. Dee. 320 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:16,920 Head start. 321 00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:20,006 Oh. I did not know you had a crush on Mr. Eddie, Becca. 322 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,591 What? No, she doesn't. She better not. 323 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:22,926 No, she's doing it for me. 324 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,345 Was-- What-- Why? What do you mean? 325 00:13:25,346 --> 00:13:27,764 'Cause when Gregory finds out that I used the kids 326 00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:30,308 to let him know how I feel about him, he's just gonna melt. 327 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,895 What-- Uh, bye, kids. 328 00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:37,148 Bye. Wait, um, you... you like Gregory? 329 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,150 Uh, yeah. You've seen those shoulders. 330 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,569 What is his deal? Is he in a relationship? 331 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,196 Ooh, if he is, is he a cheater? 332 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:46,032 Okay, so, uh, he is actually with someone. 333 00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,367 - Me. - What? 334 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,743 - Yeah. - Janine! 335 00:13:48,744 --> 00:13:51,246 - Nice pull. - Thank you. It took a long time-- 336 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:54,749 You're good if I take a spin though, yeah? Hey, does he have any tattoos? 337 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,418 You know what? Don't tell me. I want it to be a surprise. 338 00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:59,963 No, um... So, it's actually like a-a real relationship. 339 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:02,090 He's my boyfriend. Like, my very loyal boyfriend. 340 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:04,133 So it's a competition then. 341 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,262 - No. - Very well, best of luck to you. 342 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,471 - No. - See he likes big feet. 343 00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,558 Good. Mine are enormous. 344 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:18,773 - What? - Ava, the others were right. 345 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,650 These volunteers have got to go. 346 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:23,528 No, you were right. They're amazing, and they're staying. 347 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:26,490 I might even frame them for another crime to get they hours up. 348 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:28,826 Did I tell you to stop steaming? 349 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:31,704 Mmm. 350 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:35,164 Charlie, I've helped many adults who struggle to read-- 351 00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,541 Yeah, but I'm not struggling! 352 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,626 - I read good. - It's okay. It's okay, Charlie. 353 00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:41,588 All we have to do is find out-- What do you like? 354 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:42,755 Beer. 355 00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,632 - They don't have that. - Uh, milksteak. 356 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,718 - Okay. - Uh, bird law. 357 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,887 - Birds. Birds. - Okay, Barbara. 358 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,971 We can work with that. 359 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,222 - Birds. - Okay. 360 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:55,143 Barb, Protected Birds of Pennsylvania: Fun Facts, Cool Birds. 361 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,477 - Yes. Cool Birds. - Oh, yeah. 362 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:58,938 - Okay, here you go. - All right, let's start right here. 363 00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:01,649 What sound does this letter make? 364 00:15:01,650 --> 00:15:03,776 I don't need to sound it out 'cause I can read it perfectly. 365 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:07,114 It says "the Philadelphia eagle's name is Swoop, and he has a jet pack." 366 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,116 - Doesn't. - Doesn't? 367 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,911 - Go Birds? - Go Birds, man. 368 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:14,997 Let's keep trying. 369 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,457 You know, I feel bad for Dee. 370 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,794 It must be hard to have a crush on Gregory when I'm already with him. 371 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,297 Hopefully I can smooth things over today. 372 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,551 Expecting someone else? 373 00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,929 Yeah, I just wanted you to get a load of the tower 374 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,973 of a woman you're about to lose your man to. 375 00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:35,391 Okay, class, why don't you work quietly 376 00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,853 while Ms. Dee and I have a talk in the hallway. 377 00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:41,731 Dee... ...I'm sorry about yesterday, 378 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:44,817 but Gregory and I are in a serious, committed relationship. 379 00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,027 Yeah, you already said that. 380 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,112 It only makes me want him more. Do you love him? 381 00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:50,490 - Wha-- That is-- - Because I love him. 382 00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:52,784 When I see him next, that's exactly what I'm gonna tell him. 383 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,745 Okay. I thought you learned your lesson yesterday, 384 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,497 but I guess you gotta get held back. 385 00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,332 How you gonna hold me back? Your arms are too short. 386 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,250 - My arms are not short. - Your arms are too short. 387 00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:03,169 - They are a normal size for me. - Try it. Reach me. 388 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:05,088 - What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on. 389 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,589 This psycho was going off about you. 390 00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:09,008 You know what she said? "He's too much of a man for me, 391 00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,843 - I can't handle him." - I didn't say that. 392 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:13,054 Yes, she did. And you know what? One more thing. I love you. 393 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,598 She did say that. I didn't say the first part. I would never say that. 394 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,433 - Are you okay? - Yes, I am fine, 395 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,686 but this bird-ass bird is going to get real hurt. 396 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:21,020 - Don't you call me-- - Okay. 397 00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:23,648 - Excuse me for one second. - I will call you worse things than a bird, 398 00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:26,150 - it's just what I thought of. - What's happening? 399 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:28,696 She's trying to seduce you and make you her boyfriend. 400 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:30,989 Okay. 401 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,574 - "Okay"? That'd be an actual nightmare. - Agreed. 402 00:16:33,575 --> 00:16:36,828 Listen, Janine, I'm with you. 403 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,747 I'm not interested in any other woman. 404 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,250 Especially not that woman. 405 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:43,669 Okay. 406 00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:46,838 - Okay, I feel better. Much better. - Okay. 407 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,922 - All right. - All right. 408 00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:50,092 - Thank you. I'll go back. - Mm-hmm. 409 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:57,266 That was so hot. 410 00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,394 Meet me behind the gym mats in 15. 411 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,896 And if I'm late, you just keep waiting. 412 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,481 - "Green..." - Yes. 413 00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:08,484 - "...'herrons'... herons..." - Uh... That's it. 414 00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:11,613 "...uh, spend 'soomare,' uh..." 415 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,282 - That's a French word, I think. - No, it's not. 416 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,575 Oh, summer! 417 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:19,454 "...in Philadelphia, and then fly 'sooth...'" 418 00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:21,080 South. 419 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,541 "...south for wine." 420 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,668 - No. - Win. Winter. 421 00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:27,670 For winter! 422 00:17:27,671 --> 00:17:28,838 Yeah! 423 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,340 Charlie, I am so proud of you. 424 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:33,426 You crazy SOB. You did it. 425 00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:34,844 You can read, Charlie. 426 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,429 I did it, I actually read, 427 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:37,764 which I always could do. 428 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,974 What's going on in here? Somebody walking on water? 429 00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:42,602 Even better, we taught one of the criminals to read at a kindergarten level. 430 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,604 Wow. I guess miracles do happen. 431 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,356 Mac, check this out. I'm gonna read one of the tough sentences 432 00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,192 - from the back of the book. Um. - Yes. 433 00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:54,530 "Protected birds include the gold-breas... 434 00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,574 - breah..." I don't know this one. - Breasted. 435 00:17:56,575 --> 00:18:01,121 "...breasted nuthatch and loggerhead 'Shrek'... Shrike." 436 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,122 - Say that again? - Really? 437 00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:06,585 - "Protected birds in--" - Yes. 438 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:12,256 "Protected birds include the gold-breasted nuthatch and loggerhead shrike." 439 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,343 Dang. Well, that's why you're principal. 440 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,053 - Mel, you still got that egg guy? - Human or animal? 441 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,638 Doesn't matter, I got both. Why? 442 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:21,767 We got a species to protect. VP, I have your next mission. 443 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,520 We caught the raccoon. 444 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:26,939 - It's huge! - Really? 445 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,982 You wanna bash his brains in or should I? 446 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,360 - No, man. That's Frank. - I know that. 447 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,611 Get me outta here! 448 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,696 Were you the one eating the compost the whole time? 449 00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:38,533 Only after you put the garlic and the chili powder on it. 450 00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,701 Came back last night for some more. 451 00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:45,081 I saw that pudding cup was full, and I got stuck in here! 452 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,583 - Why you wearing piss pelts? - Was freezing. 453 00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:50,461 But by the way, the piss pelts worked. 454 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,046 I didn't see one raccoon. 455 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:53,589 All right, I've hit my limit. 456 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,801 Uh, Mr. Johnson, hose him off and get him inside before the kids see this. 457 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,220 Very good, by the way, if you'd like to try some. 458 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,389 Ava, for the last time, Girard Creek Golf 459 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,683 will not be giving Abbott a new scoreboard. 460 00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:04,934 That's not why I'm calling. 461 00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:08,855 You see, my white vice principal was passing by your construction site, 462 00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:10,607 and something caught his eye. 463 00:19:12,943 --> 00:19:16,154 - You should have just received a photo. - It's eggs. 464 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,072 Yes, loggerhead shrike eggs. 465 00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:19,699 A protected bird in Pennsylvania. 466 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,325 Found at your golf course. 467 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,952 If the Bird and Game Commission saw that, 468 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:25,538 I wonder what it would do to your construction progress. 469 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:27,749 I'll be in touch. 470 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:36,257 Through perseverance, Charlie has achieved what once seemed impossible. 471 00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:42,555 {\an8}And so, congratulations to Abbott Elementary's newest reader, 472 00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:44,765 {\an8}Charlie Kelly. 473 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,350 {\an8}Yeah! 474 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,023 Yes! Fist bump, fist bump. 475 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,566 Okay. Yeah. 476 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,903 I feel bad about all the compost I ate, 477 00:19:56,904 --> 00:20:00,156 so if you just put this in the garden, the plants will love it. 478 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:01,617 And then we'll call it square. 479 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,329 If you took that from Mr. Johnson's car, go put it back. 480 00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:09,791 Yeah. 481 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:13,628 - It's a weird week, huh? - Really? I didn't notice. 482 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,255 Last chance. 483 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:19,551 What do you say we, uh, drive away from this place and never look back? 484 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,889 Yeah, that's not gonna happen, so... 485 00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:26,849 Whatever. 486 00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:30,395 Hey, boss. So the, uh, new scoreboard looks pretty good, huh? 487 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,522 So I guess that means you should... you should sign this. 488 00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:38,236 No. You're the best free worker I've ever had. 489 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,656 Come on, I got your car detailed, I blackmailed a golf course, 490 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:45,201 I even went the extra mile and wrote thank you notes to all the teachers. 491 00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,369 You did what? 492 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,954 They run on insults. 493 00:20:47,955 --> 00:20:50,165 You don't get what I'm doing here at all. 494 00:20:51,541 --> 00:20:52,918 Get the hell out of my school. 495 00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:57,046 Oh, God. Let's never ask for help again. 496 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,048 Well, I tried to tell youse. 497 00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,342 Aw, this week wasn't so bad. We taught a guy to read. 498 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:03,552 - Yeah. - Jacob, how you always so optimistic? 499 00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:04,637 You kidding me? 500 00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:07,348 We live in the City of Brotherly Love, my brother. 501 00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,433 It's always sunny in Phi-- 502 00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:13,020 It is amazing what we were able to accomplish this week. 503 00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:15,189 {\an8}I mean, when we got here, this place was falling apart. 504 00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:18,442 {\an8}And now, they send children here. 505 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,944 {\an8}So it turns out Greg's gay. 506 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:22,697 {\an8}Uh, which is a bummer. I do feel bad for Janine. 507 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,740 {\an8}You know, but that can happen to the short ones. 508 00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:26,075 {\an8}I got to work the land. 509 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,618 {\an8}I got to eat some fiber. 510 00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,578 {\an8}Charlie learned to read. 511 00:21:29,579 --> 00:21:31,706 {\an8}Community service is great. 512 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,791 {\an8}Crime is worth it, plain and simple. 513 00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:36,627 {\an8} I'm ready to get outta here. This school's haunted. 514 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,463 {\an8}They play basketball against ghosts.