1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,294
It's always on me to upgrade
this dusty-ass school.
2
00:00:03,295 --> 00:00:05,796
So I hooked up our old speaker system
to Bluetooth,
3
00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,257
and now I can make announcements
from my phone from anywhere.
4
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:09,843
In fact, I'll make one right now.
5
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:13,429
Attention, I have an important update
regarding our school.
6
00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,389
My teeth are getting whiter.
7
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,351
Ooh, I should tell them about
the bin Laden documentary I just watched.
8
00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:21,020
LeBron James.
LeBron James.
9
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,104
Six. Seven.
10
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:23,981
LeBron James.
LeBron James.
11
00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,650
- Six. Seven.
- What is happening?
12
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:28,152
- LeBron James.
- The kids are hopping on your Bluetooth.
13
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,488
- You didn't password protect it?
- LeBron James.
14
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:31,697
Thanks for your hindsight, Melissa.
15
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,116
Welcome
to the Keeping It Trashy podcast.
16
00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,994
Topic one,
they're selling your trash to Malaysia.
17
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,705
That's what I sound like? Oh, my God.
18
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,296
♪ When I dance they call me Macarena ♪
19
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,257
I love this song.
20
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,133
♪ They all want me, they can't have me ♪
21
00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:53,010
♪ So they all come and dance beside me ♪
22
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,346
I'll just get it password protected,
and I'll shut this off.
23
00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:56,472
Hold on now.
24
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,517
Yeah, no, it's okay.
It's a vibe.
25
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,561
Here we go.
26
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,981
♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena! ♪
27
00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:07,733
♪ Hey, Macarena, ay! ♪
28
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:08,985
All right, Jacob.
29
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:13,282
Look at me bringing joy
to the school once again.
30
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:16,742
♪ Hey, Macarena, ay! ♪
31
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:31,258
Please send the first student in
when he gets here.
32
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,800
Hello.
33
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:36,429
It is such a blessing to have
our new counselor here
34
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,972
to help the children.
35
00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:40,099
And she's doing an outstanding job.
36
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,518
She's also quite tall.
37
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,895
My name is Elena Alomar.
I'm the new counselor here.
38
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:47,148
Abbott is the newest
school in my rotation,
39
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:50,318
so now I'm responsible for
the well-being of 20 schools,
40
00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:52,779
which means I need to
get out of here. Thanks.
41
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,614
{\an8}Such a wonderful addition to Abbott.
42
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:57,116
{\an8}- She really is...
- Mm-hmm.
43
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,909
{\an8}...and I have to thank myself
for bringing her here,
44
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:03,332
{\an8}mostly because I haven't been thanked
by anyone for anything... ...ever.
45
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,125
{\an8}She's whatever.
46
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:09,045
{\an8}She's always so professional
with how everything needs to be done.
47
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,380
{\an8}I don't need any more rules.
48
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,716
{\an8}And what rules do you follow now?
49
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,926
{\an8}Well, first of all,
I follow the rule of threes.
50
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,678
{\an8}- Mm-hmm.
- Second of all,
51
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,222
{\an8}I'm here most days, aren't I?
52
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,058
{\an8} I got a rule for y'all.
53
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:23,768
{\an8}You need to wait two hours between washes
54
00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:26,854
{\an8}before you run that dishwasher in
the lounge or else.
55
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,856
{\an8}Or else what, Mr. Johnson?
56
00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:32,777
{\an8}Or else you'd be washing your dishes
in brown water and not the good kind.
57
00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:33,862
{\an8}But...
58
00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,572
{\an8}The good kind?
59
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,492
{\an8}Wh... Why the bad water
gotta be brown, Jacob?
60
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,036
{\an8}Yeah, Jacob, why?
61
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,288
{\an8}Come on in.
62
00:02:44,289 --> 00:02:47,208
{\an8}Ah. Welcome, Nick. Come on in.
63
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:50,044
{\an8}Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Don't be rude.
64
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,337
{\an8}Say good morning to Neen.
65
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:52,546
{\an8}Good morning, Neen.
66
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,882
{\an8}Aw. Good morning.
67
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,592
{\an8}So, he can't call me Neen though.
68
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:57,677
{\an8}- Oh.
- Yeah.
69
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:01,264
{\an8}That's my bad, big dog. I'll, uh,
make sure he says Ms. Neen next time.
70
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:06,394
Yes, Tariq's girlfriend's son, Nick,
is in my class this year.
71
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:09,647
Truth is, Tariq's been
surprisingly involved.
72
00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,982
He's killing it as head of the PTA,
73
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,192
very invested in Nick.
74
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,653
They said it couldn't be done.
75
00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:17,071
I was they.
76
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:18,948
{\an8}You know, Tariq,
I have gotta hand it to you.
77
00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:21,492
{\an8}You have taken on
a lot of responsibilities.
78
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,244
{\an8}So, proud of you.
79
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,412
Yeah, it's pretty, uh...
80
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,414
- Hey, hey, Greg.
- Hey.
81
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,499
- What's up, bud? Hey.
- Ah. What's up?
82
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,750
Hey, I just wanna let you know
83
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,753
you don't gotta worry about nothing going
on with me and your girl right here, okay?
84
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:35,214
It would be inappropriate
to date a coworker, so...
85
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,259
Oh. Mmm. You don't work here.
You famously don't work anywhere.
86
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:40,052
Did I miss the show?
87
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,764
This Janine, Tariq, Gregory love triangle
about to get messy.
88
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,183
- I'm going back to my classroom.
- Yeah, I'ma head on.
89
00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:47,268
What are you doing here?
90
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,853
Being entertained, I hope.
91
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:50,771
I put Tariq's kid in your class
for the drama.
92
00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:53,858
I have the only second-grade class
and there isn't gonna be any drama.
93
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:56,694
Um, there better be. Now that I'm in
this monogamous relationship,
94
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,028
I'm bored as hell.
95
00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:01,366
All right, Son, have a good day
and remember...
96
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:06,245
Forgot what I was gonna say.
I'ma just freestyle.
97
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,540
♪ Nick, that's my son
Y'all know that he the one ♪
98
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:12,418
♪ You better not say two
'Cause, baby, who is you? ♪
99
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,379
♪ I'm dressed in all designer
I ain't show up in no suit ♪
100
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,132
♪ I'm smoking on exotic
You smell like somebody's booty-- ♪
101
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:21,511
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I'm sorry. My bad. I'ma just go.
102
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,722
You miss it, don't you?
103
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,266
- Ms. Schemmenti?
- Yeah?
104
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,851
Can I go to the bathroom?
105
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,187
Oh.
106
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:33,189
Of course you can.
107
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:34,523
Jacob and Morton tried to scare me
108
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,525
that teaching middle school
is gonna be a nightmare,
109
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,236
but here's the thing, you just gotta meet
the older kids where they're at.
110
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,821
And one of the ways I do that is
111
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:44,618
I let them have one curse word a day,
and they love it.
112
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,454
Okay, so I got some good news
and some bad news.
113
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,081
Good news is all youse aced
your assessment test.
114
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,500
Yep.
115
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,585
Shh. Hold up. What's the bad news?
116
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:57,338
The bad news is we were gonna
go over the answers,
117
00:04:57,339 --> 00:05:00,424
but now you get ten minutes to
play on your phone.
118
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,884
I hope that's chill.
119
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,262
Yeah.
120
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,891
You know, Jacob, I don't know why you had
such a hard time with the older kids.
121
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:10,935
You know, you just gotta treat them
with respect.
122
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:13,938
So you can suck it.
123
00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,314
I'm happy for you.
124
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,275
Yeah, well, eat it
because not only do they love me,
125
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,653
but they also aced the test
I just gave them.
126
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:21,946
Really? That's impressive.
127
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,740
You got some of my less-focused goofballs
in that class.
128
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,450
Yeah, you can sit on it, Gregory,
129
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,370
because some of us,
and by some, I mean me,
130
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:32,707
know what we're doing
around here, so kiss my grits.
131
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:34,375
What?
132
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,297
Uh, Barbara, Barb, what?
Why are you doing that?
133
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,465
Doing what?
134
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,510
Well, you just ran the dishwasher
with three cups, two spoons,
135
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,596
and nary a plate to be found.
It's a huge waste of water,
136
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,473
and you know
we can't start it for two hours.
137
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:53,561
Jacob, I have been waiting for it to
fill up so my mug will be clean.
138
00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,855
And I have pushed it as late as I can.
139
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,024
Well, if you just want a particular mug,
can't you use the sponge in the sink?
140
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,234
Excuse me?
141
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:06,448
That mug is the mug that Gerald gave me
in honor of being a soon-to-be glam-ma,
142
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:11,413
and this manicure is a work of art,
not a cleaning tool.
143
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:17,669
Did you see that?
144
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,212
Whatever happened to community?
145
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,299
Shared spaces can be tricky.
146
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,551
That is a great point.
147
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,178
Uh. May I?
148
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,515
I think it is time
Barbara learned the power
149
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,643
of a publicly posted Post-it note.
150
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:37,480
There we go.
151
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,734
Thank you for reminding me
of the power of the pen.
152
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,155
I didn't say anything.
You heard me not say anything, right?
153
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:48,282
So glad Ms. Schemmenti's
teaching math this year.
154
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,659
I wish I could steal the answer sheets
for all my classes.
155
00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:54,121
If you started getting straight A's,
we'd definitely get caught.
156
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:57,207
Yo, keep it down.
Mr. Eddie is right over there.
157
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,877
He can't hear nothing
with that big-ass hat on.
158
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,254
Cam Newton looking ass.
159
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,548
Your students are cheating,
160
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,676
and they had unkind words
for my gardening hat.
161
00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,596
What are you talking about?
162
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:13,599
The hat with the wide brim,
the one that Janine got me.
163
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,185
They hate it and it was hurtful.
I feel like it frames my--
164
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:20,356
Okay. About the kids cheating on the test,
you gagootz. How would that even happen?
165
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:21,899
Oh, they found the answer key,
took a photo
166
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:22,983
and sent it to the whole class.
167
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,487
No, I left the answer key
in my desk. They...
168
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,698
I gotta lock my drawers now?
169
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,825
What is this? My family staying with me?
170
00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:34,036
You don't have to think about
that kinda thing with the littles.
171
00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:37,206
Yeah, you just leave answer keys out,
wear a stupid hat. No one says nothing.
172
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,582
Okay, no one said it was stupid.
173
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:41,543
This will not stand.
174
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,339
- Okay.
- Yeah.
175
00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:46,632
What are... What are you gonna do?
176
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:48,884
Oh, I'm gonna get 'em. Don't you worry.
177
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:52,263
Well, based on everything I know
about you, I'm actually very worried.
178
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:54,890
- You the new janitor?
- No.
179
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:58,061
Work hard, play your cards right,
maybe someday.
180
00:07:58,645 --> 00:07:59,813
Mr. Johnson.
181
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:07,862
"To all. Only run when full. Jacob."
182
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:09,614
Who's this for?
183
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:13,742
Could be Melissa. Uh. Probably Janine.
184
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,495
It's for you, lady.
185
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:22,459
You know, that Jacob is becoming
aggressively more passive
186
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,961
with every year.
187
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,672
I mean, this is ridiculous, right?
188
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:27,840
I don't know.
189
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,721
I mean, everyone should
advocate for themselves.
190
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,181
Exactly.
191
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,851
And I will advocate as clear as day,
192
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:42,938
so there is
no miscommunication.
193
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:45,984
You don't know me, Ms. Alomar. Uh-uh.
194
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,279
I had a down year last year.
195
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:55,493
But this year, I am feeling mighty spicy.
196
00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:00,456
Wait, wait, wait, time out.
They got you back here in the nosebleeds?
197
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,999
That's my seat.
198
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,126
Unacceptable, dude.
We literally know Neen.
199
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,463
We can just put you
at the front of the class. Come on.
200
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,884
Hey, hey, excuse me, um, I'm sorry, twin,
but this is a VIP section.
201
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,386
You got anything fragile in here?
202
00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:16,305
My pickles.
203
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,766
Yeah. I know. Your pickles.
204
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:22,144
- I'm so sorry. Ignore him. Um, so anyway...
- Go ahead, all right.
205
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:27,775
Hey. Look. And remember, you're not
just another kid in this class, okay?
206
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:30,152
You're special because there was a time
207
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,447
when I was the only man
that your teacher knew.
208
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:34,907
Hello. Now...
209
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,117
So sorry. What-What were you saying?
210
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:42,289
Okay, real quick, I, uh, made a list here
of all the stickers that Nick would prefer
211
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,834
and, uh, he don't like to read
on Thursdays, so let's just not do that.
212
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,837
Okay, gotta go. Busy, busy, busy.
213
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:53,133
Okay, brainiacs.
So since the last quiz was--
214
00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:54,635
- Light work.
- Yeah.
215
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:56,470
Yeah, yeah, light work.
216
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:59,348
So I figured that we
would have another quiz
217
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:01,141
on all the stuff we learned this week.
218
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,768
That shouldn't be a problem, right?
219
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,895
- Nah.
- Nah. No problem.
220
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:07,773
Okay, so I tell you what?
I'ma head to the bathroom.
221
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:10,234
As soon as I get back,
I'ma hand out the quizzes.
222
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:14,196
I got my phone,
keys, stapler in its place,
223
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:18,659
answer key right in my unlocked drawer.
224
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,954
Okay. So factoring in
a little chitchat with Barb,
225
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:26,542
maybe a story from Mr. Jay,
I should be back in exactly ten minutes.
226
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:29,461
Youse probably didn't notice it
'cause I was... I was so subtle.
227
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,506
I planted fake answers to the quiz
in my desk.
228
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:35,301
These kids are about to find out
what the Schemmenti name means.
229
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:39,555
It means "scheme". "Scheme-menti,"
the original pronunciation.
230
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,266
They changed it at Ellis Island.
231
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,976
And then Nick pulls a homemade hall pass
232
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:47,563
out of his pocket that reads "VIPP"
in Tariq's handwriting,
233
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,315
yells "yur" and then goes out the door.
234
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,900
I told y'all there'd be drama.
235
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,821
Y'all are the reason I don't have to steal
anybody's password to Peacock.
236
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,990
Why don't you just talk to Tariq?
237
00:10:57,532 --> 00:11:01,785
Well, because he's come so far
as a human adult and a father figure.
238
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,454
I don't wanna discourage him.
239
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,747
Maybe I'll just talk to Nick about it.
240
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,001
Talk to a child about it?
241
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,294
Awfully protective of an ex.
242
00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:12,713
I made O'Shon flush his phone
and empty his cloud.
243
00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,257
He's a really lucky man.
244
00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:18,469
Are you sure Tariq doesn't have
Janine's phone number?
245
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,346
I'm sure he does.
246
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:25,100
Oh. So tell me something
and include my question in your answer.
247
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:28,228
How do you feel about your girlfriend
getting into a spousal battle
248
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,398
with her ex-lover over their shared son?
249
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,608
- I'm leaving.
- Janine?
250
00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:33,735
No, this show.
251
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,613
- Yur.
- Hey.
252
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,073
Why is the dishwasher running?
253
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,326
Uh. To wash dishes?
254
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,578
Oh, that's what she wants you to think.
255
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:58,593
Did you run the dishwasher
with just a spoon in it?
256
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,596
Jacob, you are unusually sweaty today.
257
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:03,765
That is not an answer.
258
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,975
Of course not.
259
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,312
I put a single cup in there as well.
260
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:12,814
Wow, okay, you are being crazy,
261
00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,651
and I can say that because
a mental health professional,
262
00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,361
Ms. Alomar, agreed with me.
263
00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:18,529
Backwards!
264
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,781
She agreed with me.
265
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:23,242
Mmm. Well, I thought your church was
against lying.
266
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,245
Father God, forgive me
267
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,666
because I'm about to show this young man
his pants on fire.
268
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,876
Let's go talk with Ms. Alomar.
269
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,003
After you. No, after me.
270
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,422
You...
271
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:40,926
Is everything okay? Why are you moist?
272
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:43,971
The dishwasher
and the brisk walk over here.
273
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,473
Barbara ignored the note
that you suggested I write.
274
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:49,434
Please tell this confused young man
that you are completely on my side.
275
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,311
- No, she's on mine.
- Mine.
276
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,522
I'm with a student.
277
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,823
- What is her problem?
- She got a lot of attitude.
278
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:07,411
I can't wait to see how well
all of my genius students have done.
279
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:10,330
Probably won't even need this pen
280
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:13,293
except to write A-plus
on all of 'em, right?
281
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:15,837
Um.
282
00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:23,010
Okay, you got all the answers right?
283
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,386
Boom,
284
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:28,099
So glad
I saved my curse for that.
285
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,561
This is impossible.
You were supposed to get them all wrong.
286
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,604
We knew the answers
in your drawer were fake.
287
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,231
So, how'd you cheat then?
288
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,316
We talked to each other.
289
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,984
And remembered the stuff
you lectured about.
290
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:40,402
The stuff you made us read.
291
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:41,653
The class discussion.
292
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,198
And we aced it.
Got you again, Ms. Schemmenti.
293
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:47,784
You seemed way smarter
when we were in second-grade.
294
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,703
Yeah.
295
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:53,583
Beaten by a bunch
of bumbling sixth graders.
296
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:58,170
It feels like
when the Eagles lose to the Cowboys.
297
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:01,423
Um. So, we got to talk.
298
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:04,593
Nick said he couldn't get access
to a green crayon
299
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,304
which has led to this autumnal foliage.
300
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:08,805
And girl, it ain't autumn.
301
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,599
- It is autumn, Tariq.
- No, it ain't.
302
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,350
It's fall.
303
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:14,102
- She's supposed to be a teacher.
- You know what--
304
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,104
I'm about to put Nick
in the transfer portal. Immediately.
305
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:18,190
All right, you know, Tariq,
you need to leave.
306
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,358
Why do you still got him sitting in
the cheap seats?
307
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,694
His biggest fear is
the back of people's heads.
308
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,029
You're gonna give him PTSD.
309
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,740
Sorry, guys. One second.
310
00:14:26,365 --> 00:14:29,117
Nick is not gonna get special treatment
anymore, all right?
311
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:30,745
All of my kids are special.
312
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:32,538
It's not a punishment, it's fair.
313
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,707
What?
314
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,960
If I knew that you were going to treat
my future son like this,
315
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:40,378
I would have never dated you.
316
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:41,463
What?
317
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:44,883
Tariq cannot take criticism. One time
I told him a song of his wouldn't work
318
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,426
because nothing rhymes with orange.
319
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,722
He told me to go forage
in the storage for some porridge.
320
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,390
Basically made my point for me.
321
00:14:52,391 --> 00:14:53,601
Hi.
322
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:56,353
- How's it going, Ms. Anderson?
- It's Ms. Alomar.
323
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,854
- Oh--
- Please don't tell me you're gonna ask
324
00:14:57,855 --> 00:14:58,939
my opinion on something.
325
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,525
Now why would I do that when I have
so many amazing opinions of my own?
326
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:02,859
I'm sorry, it's just...
327
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,612
I'm at capacity
and the kids are great but...
328
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,698
- But what?
- Could we?
329
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,829
Some of the teachers here,
they're kind of a lot.
330
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:16,414
First of all,
don't be talking about my staff.
331
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,375
Second of all, spill the tea, girl.
332
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:22,170
It's just the teachers keep coming to me
to settle their petty problems.
333
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,422
Welcome to what I have to
deal with every single day
334
00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:25,841
with these needy-ass teachers.
335
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,802
You must have a lot of patience.
336
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:29,886
You know what?
337
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:33,265
I think I have more patience than
anybody I know... ...Thank you.
338
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,143
Mm-hmm. Did you go to Harvard?
339
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,520
I did go there! I forget sometimes.
340
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,898
No wonder this is such a well-run school.
341
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,820
God, it's so nice talking to someone
who is a consummate professional.
342
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:48,822
I heard that.
343
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:52,659
Ava. Ava, you were absolutely right
about that counselor.
344
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:56,538
She is manipulative, dismissive and rude.
345
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:58,039
- She must go.
- Mm-hmm.
346
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,169
Listen, I've known both of you
way longer than I've known her.
347
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:03,712
- Yeah.
- Yes.
348
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,213
And that's why
I must take her side on this.
349
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,548
What?
350
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,843
She said y'all getting on her nerves,
interrupting her when she's with the kids,
351
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,678
doing the job she's supposed to do.
352
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,680
- She's not going anywhere.
- But...
353
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:16,766
I am a Harvard-trained
consummate professional
354
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,394
who is extremely patient.
355
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,854
Now get the hell out.
356
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:25,233
So, how'd the, uh, revenge go?
357
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,319
Not well.
358
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:28,445
Okay, what happened?
359
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:31,531
Okay. So, I planted, like,
a fake answer key to a test.
360
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,742
- Uh-huh.
- And these little cheaters figured it out.
361
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,578
So, they quickly, like,
cracked open their textbooks,
362
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,624
studied up on the material,
took the test and did great.
363
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,666
- So, they learned?
- Yeah, exactly.
364
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:45,213
- How am I supposed to counter that?
- I don't think you should but...
365
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,464
Hello, Melissa.
366
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,299
How are the super easy-to-handle
middle schoolers?
367
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,968
- Jacob, I swear to God.
- I'm too fast. You can't catch me.
368
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:57,349
So it seems Melissa the bully is herself
getting bullied by a bunch of little kids.
369
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,061
I was gonna tell her to eat it but I...
370
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,230
I got too scared.
371
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,147
Look, I love my first graders,
372
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:08,401
but it is a completely different vibe
when I'm with the older goofballs.
373
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,028
Yes, they are more challenging.
374
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,238
They keep you on your toes.
375
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:12,614
- They sure do.
- Mm-hmm.
376
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,116
And, you know, I could have
figured out their next move.
377
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,495
- Mmm.
- I'm just, you know, a little rusty.
378
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,538
Second graders made me soft.
379
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:23,584
Why are you smiling?
380
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,836
I gotta get back into fighting shape.
381
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,508
Melissa, you do know
you cannot fight the children, right?
382
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,301
- I know, I'm not gonna--
- Okay, I'm just making sure.
383
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,971
- I'm not gonna fight them.
- Good.
384
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,764
I'm gonna teach 'em.
385
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,104
Have you not been doing that
this whole time?
386
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:47,650
Guys, no fighting over the brushes.
If you want another, they're...
387
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:50,653
Tariq?
388
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,157
Tariq, I can see you.
389
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,743
Dang!
390
00:17:58,369 --> 00:17:59,369
You always could, Janine.
391
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,453
Oh, my God.
392
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,998
Look, I've been reflecting.
393
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:05,458
I've, you know,
been looking at the mirror.
394
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,628
The man in there. Michael Jackson.
395
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:09,714
He had a monkey.
396
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,675
- What was I saying?
- I think you were trying to apologize.
397
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:18,888
No... ...No, that's... Nah.
That... No, that... that was it.
398
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,141
I just want the best for Nick.
399
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:24,352
And that is a teacher
who treats all the kids fairly.
400
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:27,772
Wow. I'm really happy
to hear you say that.
401
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,734
Thank you, Tariq. You really have grown.
402
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:33,069
I know, it's pretty lame.
403
00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,779
Oh.
404
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,534
Boo. No kiss? No fantasy suite?
405
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,287
I'm tired of these short-ass seasons
and terrible finales.
406
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,874
Oh, God.
407
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,591
Hey, Barbara, can I... can I talk to you?
408
00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:57,844
Jacob, I have not touched
your precious dishwasher.
409
00:18:57,845 --> 00:19:01,514
I know. I just...
I was thinking about Ms. Alomar and,
410
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:04,560
you know, she's here for the kids.
And they really like her.
411
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,144
Indeed, they do.
412
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,980
So, in the spirit of fostering
a healthy atmosphere
413
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:10,774
and setting a good example,
414
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,233
I brought you a peace offering.
415
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:16,071
The glam-ma options were limited,
but I think this one also suits you.
416
00:19:16,072 --> 00:19:18,074
"Number one diva."
417
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,700
I can work with that.
418
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,118
Thank you, Jacob.
419
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,996
And quite honestly, I was feeling bad too
420
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:29,042
and so, I purchased these...
421
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,630
...so that I can wash my single mug
without ruining my manicure.
422
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:36,258
- Aw.
- Mmm.
423
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:39,427
Oh, hey, uh,
just the person we want to see.
424
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:40,971
- Ms. Alomar, we would...
- Oh.
425
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:45,517
What is her problem?
426
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:46,601
Uh...
427
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:49,521
Listen, you're not in trouble, okay?
428
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:54,901
I can respect when I got got
but youse can never cheat again, okay?
429
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,778
- Yeah. Yes.
- Okay.
430
00:19:56,779 --> 00:20:00,116
It did make me realize
how much I have to teach you.
431
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,242
Like, when you're... Write this down.
432
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:07,372
When you're pulling a job, you got to
keep the conspiracy small, okay?
433
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,207
You got too many loose lips.
434
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:12,001
Those goofballs, they gossip
more than The Real Housewives.
435
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,503
You know it's true.
436
00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:17,674
Worse, you burn your best scheme
on a test you already had in the bag
437
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:20,969
and now that I know you know it,
the next ones are going to be even harder.
438
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,053
Bring it.
439
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,807
Oh, I will. I'm gonna be on you
from here on out.
440
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,727
It's gonna be a good year.
441
00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:31,062
Okay, crack those textbooks.
442
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,815
Let's get into it.
443
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,904
Did you know you can use a dishwasher
to cook salmon?
444
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,905
Let me demonstrate.
445
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:43,576
First, season your salmon to taste.
446
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,413
Then you wrap your salmon up like so.
447
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,874
You select the salmon option
on your dishwasher.
448
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,294
Which is pots and pans.
449
00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,800
And here's one I prepared earlier.
450
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:05,430
{\an8}After one cycle, you should have
a perfectly cooked salmon
451
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,433
{\an8}that looks just like...
452
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:09,268
{\an8}this.
453
00:21:09,977 --> 00:21:11,228
{\an8}Damn, it's overdone.
454
00:21:11,729 --> 00:21:13,939
{\an8}I think I'll wash this at home.
455
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,150
{\an8}She's a bit of an odd duck.
456
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:17,734
{\an8}Speaking of duck,
457
00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:20,278
{\an8}you can also use the dishwasher
to cook duck.
458
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,449
{\an8}Now, for duck à l'orange...