1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,002 Okay, this is a good one. 2 00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:05,506 Would you rather be your current height or 3 feet tall, but you can dunk? 3 00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:08,425 Y'all might wanna get outside. There's a car crash out there. 4 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,635 What? 5 00:00:13,305 --> 00:00:14,723 What is going on? 6 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:18,727 [Harold grunting, straining] 7 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:24,024 Every bone in my body is broken and my lungs have popped. 8 00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:27,736 Why, oh, why was I texting my chopped unc 9 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:31,281 whilst driving under the influence? 10 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:35,035 -[Malika cries] -Oh, oh, no, no. Oh, snap. 11 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,460 Good morning, Abbott Elementary. 12 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,546 We're here from the Philadelphia Fire Department. 13 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:47,130 Friends Against Drug Exposure. 14 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,423 And the Story Samurai. 15 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:50,676 [Robinson] And we're here to teach you about fire safety. 16 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,844 Rap about the dangers of drugs. 17 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:55,222 And improvise about texting and driving. 18 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,599 [Robinson] But safety is not a laughing matter. 19 00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,643 Or is it? 20 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,353 -It is not. -'Cause it's a… 21 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:04,648 dancing matter. 22 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,067 The hell is going on? 23 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,236 The district combined all the safety presentations 24 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,113 for the year into one day to save money. 25 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,489 [Robinson] Okay, guys, very good. 26 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,283 [Harold] Uh-huh. 27 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,742 [Robinson] Moving inside, guys. Come on. 28 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,746 [♪ "Hold 'em" playing] 29 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:32,342 All right, so, check it. 30 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,636 We're gonna be going classroom to classroom, 31 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,096 and at the end of the day, 32 00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:39,099 we'll all meet back up here and recap what we learned about safety. 33 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:42,978 And now, Abbott, you are no strangers to having firemen around here. 34 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:45,605 So nice to see Captain Robinson, 35 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,357 especially when it's not my fault. 36 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,193 I just can't believe he's this awake. 37 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,321 We were up till 4:00 in the morning. 38 00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,365 Barb, don't you wanna know why we were up till-- 39 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,492 I have my own sleep issues to deal with, thank you. 40 00:01:57,576 --> 00:02:00,620 I've been taking this new miracle pill named melatonin, 41 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:02,664 and while it has been helping me sleep, 42 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:05,876 it has been giving me the most vivid dreams 43 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,878 that I cannot make sense of. 44 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,881 I think I'm trying to tell me something. 45 00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,301 Principal Coleman will choose a teacher to expire 46 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,136 in a texting-and-driving accident. 47 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:19,681 They cannot talk for the rest of the day, not even to other adults. 48 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:22,059 There is no other way to teach you this lesson. 49 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,852 -I feel like there is. -Yeah. 50 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:26,521 This feels dark for an elementary school. 51 00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:29,650 It absolutely is, but unfortunately, because of budget cuts, 52 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:33,445 all elementary, middle, and high schools now get the same presentation. 53 00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:36,323 So, Ms. Coleman, what teacher do you choose 54 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,825 to stalk these halls, bumming everyone out? 55 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,953 [chuckles] So, one of y'all gotta pretend to be Mr. C all day? 56 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,205 [students laugh] 57 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,917 You know, you can choose another teacher to make fun of, sometimes. 58 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:51,129 Well, I hope you're okay with those being your last words because you're done. 59 00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:52,923 -I choose Gregory. -I didn't do anythi-- 60 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,633 Enough talking! You dead. 61 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:55,634 Huh? 62 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:02,140 Because texting "L-M-A-O-O-O" 63 00:03:02,224 --> 00:03:04,518 was more important than watching the road. 64 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:05,977 FYI, you also hit a horse. 65 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,604 -Oh, Gregory. -What? I… 66 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,730 Put this on. 67 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:13,360 Suddenly, I'm sailing, 68 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:16,238 and Gerald is a baby strapped to the mast, 69 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,614 and the rudder won't work. 70 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,699 Boring. 71 00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,742 No dream talk in the teachers' lounge, Barb. 72 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,661 Yeah, this is where dreams go to die. 73 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,664 [scoffs] Oh. Certainly didn't expect this news today. 74 00:03:25,747 --> 00:03:27,124 [Barbara] Okay, well, hold on now. 75 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,084 Babies mean rebirth. 76 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:33,171 So, am I at a rebirth? Is Gerald at a rebirth? 77 00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:34,673 Or do we need a new car? 78 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:40,178 -♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ -[all]♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ 79 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:42,973 It's no one's birthday. I just needed your attention. Look at this. 80 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,766 Hiya. I'm Tina Schwartz, 81 00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:46,977 running for West Philly's 51st District 82 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,688 Board of School Commissioners "liason" representative. 83 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,106 W-What's "liason"? 84 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:53,442 It's liaison. She doesn't even know the position's name. 85 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,694 Wait a minute, isn't that that former Abbott teacher 86 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,404 -that kicked a student? -Exactly. 87 00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:01,950 I'm Tina Schwartz, and I approve of your approval for this message. 88 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:04,744 What? She's completely unqualified. 89 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:07,664 -I mean… [stutters] …can you believe this? -No, I can't. 90 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,500 How did you find something I care even less about than Barb's dream? 91 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,503 Barb, Melissa, care to weigh in on this miscarriage of democracy? 92 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,755 Jacob, I've never even heard of the board of the… 93 00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,424 the board of the commissioners… [smacks lips] 94 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:18,425 Whatever the heck it is. 95 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:22,429 At 51st District, which is exactly us and three other schools. 96 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,681 No one cares about this position, hon. 97 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,268 Well, Mr. J, it looks like it's up to us to, uh, stop this villainess. 98 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,687 -[chuckles] -No time for our usual shenanigans, Jacob. 99 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,440 Gregory drove his car into a horse, and I gotta sub. 100 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,234 Janine will know what to do. 101 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:37,569 Oh. But she's in mourning. 102 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,196 Oh, wait, but that's not real. 103 00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:41,323 [Slim] That's a great question. 104 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,950 If I had to put it into words, I'd probably say… 105 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,042 Okay, if you don't get up there and start your presentation, 106 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,461 -I'm gonna set myself on fire. -Please don't. 107 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,505 -This school is so flammable. -[Melissa scoffs] 108 00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,048 Plus, it wouldn't reflect very well 109 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,051 on the Philadelphia Fire Department's newest battalion chief. 110 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,094 Newest what now? 111 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:05,263 I'm getting a promotion. I found out this morning. 112 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,182 It won't be official until the swearing in, 113 00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:10,435 but if you wanted to start calling me Chief Robinson, 114 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:12,270 yeah, that would turn me on quite a bit. 115 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:14,731 So, you're going to be a-a suit? 116 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,859 Well, no, it's a tucked-in shirt, but on Fridays, I can go Hawaiian. 117 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:21,112 No more climbing ladders to pull kitties out of trees or-- 118 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:23,031 Hey, cats get themselves into those messes. 119 00:05:23,114 --> 00:05:24,282 They can get themselves out. 120 00:05:24,908 --> 00:05:27,160 So I thought to celebrate, I'd get a bottle of champagne 121 00:05:27,244 --> 00:05:29,579 and reactivate my HBO Max account for the month. 122 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,998 Yeah, no, that sounds great. 123 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,166 -All right. -Yeah. 124 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,543 Yeah. 125 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,795 [Slim] That's what Molly felt like the first time. 126 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:40,006 Every time after that though, it's been… [pants] 127 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,428 I better get up there. Okay. Thank you, Slimothy. 128 00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,138 Yeah, for that, thank you. 129 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,724 It's-It's good to know we finally won the war on drugs. 130 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:52,602 Okay. Everybody, take out your homework. We're gonna go over the stuff-- 131 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,688 Uh-uh. Why are you talking? 132 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:55,981 You killed a horse. 133 00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,359 All right, class, now that Mr. Eddie is Mr. Deadie, 134 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,027 Mr. Johnson will be taking over. 135 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,696 -Ava, I think that's-- -Uh-uh! 136 00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:05,615 -Mr. Eddie is breaking the rules. -[students gasp] 137 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,659 Now, I hate to speak ill of the deceased, 138 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:10,996 but everything that jabroni was teaching you is trash. 139 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:12,998 All right, class, you're in good hands. 140 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,167 -Janine. -[Janine] Yeah. 141 00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:19,713 -Did you see that campaign video I sent? -Yes, got my vote. 142 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,132 -What? Did you even click the link? -No. 143 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,676 Well, that maniac Tina Schwartz is running for district liaison. Look. 144 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,219 Look at her Facebook post about it. 145 00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,722 Oh, my God, she is still updating her status. 146 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,765 -What a sicko. -Yeah, but look at her platform. 147 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:33,101 [stammers] She thinks we don't need a consensus clause. 148 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:34,811 What the hell… [sighs] 149 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,938 …is that? I think I know? 150 00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:39,649 Well, look, it says she's hosting a town hall over lunch. 151 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,777 -Maybe you could go. -Oh, my God, yes. 152 00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:45,363 All I have to do is inform the electorate of her incompetence, 153 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,823 and her campaign will sink itself. 154 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:47,908 -[Janine] Mmm. -Whoo! Okay… 155 00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,367 -I feel better already. -[Janine] Mm-hmm. 156 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,244 Democracy has never been more alive. 157 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:54,831 [students] Thank you, Captain Robinson. 158 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,000 Thanks, guys. [chuckles] 159 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,627 -Okay. -Yes? 160 00:06:58,710 --> 00:06:59,961 Okay, quick follow-up. 161 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:03,757 What does it mean, in a dream, if you are on fire, but cold? 162 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,593 -Sorry, Barb, you're on your own. -[sighs] 163 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,677 Hey, there, honey bear. 164 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,429 Hey, I gotta go to the next presentation, 165 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,390 but, uh, how about I grill us up some steaks to go with our bubbly time? 166 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:15,101 Oh. Are you sure you're still allowed that close to an open flame? 167 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,770 Well, I can tell you this much. 168 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,314 Captain Robinson grilled flank steaks. 169 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,524 Chief Robinson grills rib eyes. 170 00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,484 -[Melissa] Mmm. -[Barbara] Ooh. 171 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,361 What time should Gerald and I join you? 172 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,446 Okay. Just kidding. 173 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:29,616 -Barb, I'd invite you. Let me know. -[Barb laughs] 174 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:33,161 [gasps] Melissa, that man is a treasure. 175 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:38,583 He's got star power, safety know-how, and he is absolutely smitten with you. 176 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:39,668 Yeah. 177 00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:40,752 I'm gonna dump him. 178 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,423 Okay, you're gonna dump who, exactly? 179 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:48,927 'Cause I know it's not that fine fireman who is in love with you. 180 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,054 Barb, he got that promotion. 181 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,515 He's basically gonna be a fire accountant. 182 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:57,727 Melissa, you can't really be upset at the man for getting a promotion. 183 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,188 No, I'm happy for him, but what's he gonna do? 184 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:03,775 He's gonna sit at a desk, do a bunch of paperwork, teach people? 185 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,652 The hell kind of life is that? 186 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:09,489 Okay, before you extinguish that fire, 187 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:12,617 you better make sure it's dying down the way you think. 188 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:16,037 Come on, talk to the man. 189 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:18,039 You two have been together a long time. 190 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,084 -Yeah, you're right. I owe him that. -Yes. 191 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,211 -That's good advice. Thanks, Barb. -You're welcome. 192 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:26,923 A coyote gave it to me in a dream. Mm-hmm. 193 00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,174 All right, class… 194 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:31,511 [laughing] Whoa. 195 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:34,889 [chuckles] Hey, Jacob Hill from Abbott. 196 00:08:34,973 --> 00:08:38,017 -Oh, wow. Gosh. -[Jacob] Uh-- 197 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:41,688 Ah, it's good to see you. Have a cookie. Heck, take a couple. [chuckles] 198 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,816 I took them from our break room. They're from Monday. [chuckles] 199 00:08:44,899 --> 00:08:46,109 -It's Friday. -It is. 200 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:47,736 Uh, where is everybody? 201 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:50,613 Why aren't issues being discussed and/or debated? 202 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:53,533 Um, since I'm running unopposed, this is technically a formality. 203 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,868 Or… No. 204 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:56,244 Formally a technicality. 205 00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,788 Well, if you don't mind, I have a few questions about your platform. 206 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,875 Platform? Making me sound like an influencer. 207 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,044 Yes. Okay. 208 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:07,172 [sighs] What are your election questions, my sir? 209 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,424 What is your stance on the consensus clause? 210 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,342 The Tim Allen movie? 211 00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,428 I'm not really into body horror. 212 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,848 What do you think about the current student-to-crossing-guard ratio? 213 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,475 That's a trick question. 214 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,726 I don't see ratio. 215 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,020 Okay. And, um… Yeah, just one more. 216 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,939 Uh, do you even know what the 51st District Board 217 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,358 of School Commissioners liaison representative even does? 218 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,486 And how are you pronouncing that? 219 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,572 Why are you even running for this? Seems like you don't care about it at all. 220 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:37,327 All my friends have kids now, so I need something to fill my time. 221 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,412 This was fun, you little grill master. 222 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,915 If no one else in the audience has any questions, though… 223 00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,793 Okay, then I think it's a pretty good time to call it. 224 00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:46,836 Lots to think about. [chuckles] 225 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,171 It was great to see you. 226 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,131 Vote for me. [laughs] 227 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,552 [sighs] 228 00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:56,179 I'm not gonna lie to you, 229 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,306 none of your names have great SEO. 230 00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,474 [Harold] Knock, knock. 231 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,813 Howdy, y'all. [sighs] 232 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:07,857 So, I know this class has been through a lot today, 233 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:11,152 so are we ready to talk about how improv can solve everything? 234 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,279 [students groan] 235 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:16,866 Hey. Gregory, I need to talk to you. It's very important. 236 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,370 Okay, settle a debate me and the second graders are having. 237 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,372 Would you rather be a normal human being, 238 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,708 or you have superpowers, but you always have to go to the bathroom? 239 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,836 -The kids are saying-- -[Ava] Random reminder, Abbott. 240 00:10:27,919 --> 00:10:30,505 Speaking to Mr. Eddie is strictly off-limits today 241 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,841 because of the bad choices he made. Thank you. 242 00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,926 I thought she said she took the cameras out of here. 243 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,470 -She's right. Stop talking to him. -Sorry. 244 00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:40,014 -[Harold] Unless the… -[Gregory sighs] 245 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,768 Mr. Eddie, what happens when people die for real? 246 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:47,772 [Harold] …word of the day is safety. Powerful word, safety. 247 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,233 Not as powerful as "yes" or "and," but… 248 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:53,236 -…way more powerful than "no and "but." -Okay. 249 00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:55,405 Yeah, I'm actually not mad at this. 250 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,032 I don't have to answer any wild questions from the kids. 251 00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:02,120 I mean, where was Safety Day when Mira asked me what a BBL was? 252 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,331 Gregory. 253 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,709 I went to Tina Schwartz's town hall. 254 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,170 She wasn't prepared for a single question. 255 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:13,339 Tell me, when you picture the 51st District Board of School Commissioners 256 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:15,133 liaison representative, do you picture her? 257 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,427 Right, you can't talk. 258 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,304 But you can listen. 259 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:24,934 If someone would just run against her, they would win, easy. [scoffs] 260 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:27,687 My God, of course. 261 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,690 Why can't I be the one who… 262 00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,484 asks Janine to run. [chuckles] 263 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:35,361 Great idea, Gregory. 264 00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,197 Hey, while I've got you, settle in. 265 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:41,826 Elijah and I got into another fight about ethical shrimping. [sniffs, chews] 266 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,912 This is actually so bad. 267 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,959 [sighs heavily] 268 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,546 Hey, there's my little firecracker. 269 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,049 Feels like I've barely seen you all day. You hiding from me? 270 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,927 I was just thinking, this promotion, that's, like, something you want? 271 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:00,261 That's a done deal or… 272 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,847 -Do you not want me to be promoted? -No, I'm just… 273 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:06,351 You got such a good thing going now. Like, you really… 274 00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:11,064 You're helping people and you ride around the greatest city in the world 275 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,316 on top of 50,000 pounds 276 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,944 of shiny red metal, 277 00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,738 -swinging ax, hauling hose. -All right. 278 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,073 Careful. There's kids here. 279 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:23,117 [chuckles] I'm just saying, why would you wanna give that up? 280 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,995 -For what? For signing paychecks? -[students shush] 281 00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,460 That is a very small part of the job. 282 00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:36,297 I'm gonna be assisting and organizing the city's emergency response teams. 283 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:37,590 Are you listening to yourself? 284 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,926 You wanna be an assistant organizer? 285 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,636 Why would you want that? 286 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,763 -The danger would be gone. -Yeah, exactly. 287 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:47,684 Would you prefer I kept a more dangerous, lower-paying job with worse hours? 288 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,853 -Of course. -Y'all, this is a library. 289 00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:53,898 I shouldn't have to tell this to a teacher and a fireman. 290 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,860 I really thought you'd be happy about this. 291 00:12:57,944 --> 00:12:59,904 -I'm not sure what the problem is. -[Melissa sighs] 292 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:03,408 The problem is that I didn't sign up to be with a… 293 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,702 desk jockey. 294 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,997 Come on, my class, let's go. 295 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,755 [phone rings] 296 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,634 -Hey, Ava. How's your day? -Fine. 297 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,762 Well, that's a relief because I'm having such a hard time not talking to Gregory. 298 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:27,557 We normally check in with each other throughout the day, 299 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,810 but now, I have no idea if he enjoyed his lunch or not. 300 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,857 Hmm. I also asked him a really hard "would you rather." 301 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,818 I have no idea which he'd rather. It really goes to show you, you know, 302 00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,987 one day you're driving, and the next day you hit a horse. 303 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,113 Hold that thought. 304 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:43,990 Tragic news, Abbott Elementary. 305 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:45,491 Another Safety Day accident. 306 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,619 Ms. Teagues was texting and driving, and her car caught on fire 307 00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:51,122 while on the way to improv, and now, she's gone. 308 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,374 No, kids, I'm here and I'm alive. 309 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:55,710 She was also doing drugs. Those were her last words. 310 00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:57,754 Hey! 311 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,090 [sighs] 312 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,718 How'd the talk go with Captain Robinson? 313 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,512 I don't think he gets why I don't want him to take the promotion. 314 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,514 Honestly, neither do I. 315 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,391 Captain Robinson getting this promotion 316 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,894 doesn't seem like it would change your life at all. 317 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:16,022 Maybe not directly, but, Barb, what if he wants me to slow down? 318 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,482 'Cause that ain't happening, Barb. 319 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,150 I've lived a life of craziness, 320 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,569 and that crazy ain't stopping anytime soon. 321 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,530 And what about your lifestyle is gonna change 322 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,199 because of this man's promotion? 323 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,203 He's not gonna smell like burning buildings anymore. 324 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,413 -Should I get him to start smoking? -[clicks tongue] 325 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,165 -Melissa. -No. 326 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:38,503 It seems to me that you are more concerned about your own future than you are his. 327 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:41,172 -Maybe. -Mm-hmm. 328 00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:44,342 And now that I've helped you, it's your turn to help me. 329 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:49,305 Why would I be dreaming of a volcano filled with milk? 330 00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,848 -Barb, that's a sex dream. -[gasps] 331 00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:53,351 But… 332 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:56,521 Gang, gang, chat's low-key going off right now. 333 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,690 Smile, homes. It's selfie time. 334 00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:00,858 [Slim] And freeze. 335 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:04,070 Okay, now using what we learned today, 336 00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:07,990 who spotted how my bro Harold messed up? 337 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,742 -Anyone? -Janine. 338 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:10,827 [Slim] Come on, y'all. 339 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,204 Just the champion the 51st District's been waiting for. 340 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,206 Gregory and I had an amazing convo earlier, 341 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,959 and we think that you should challenge Ms. Schwartz for office. 342 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:20,920 Why not? 343 00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:22,797 Look, I know you're not the hero we deserve, 344 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,257 but you are the hero we need. 345 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,385 [Slim] Dang, and it's been bugging me all day too. 346 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:28,678 -Okay-- -[Harold tuts] 347 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,221 No talking! 348 00:15:30,304 --> 00:15:33,391 Now, you were saying fire is bad, 349 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:37,687 even though something that is fire is really good? 350 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,772 Say more. 351 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,066 I don't know how I would. 352 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,151 [Jacob] Ava. 353 00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,319 -Please revive my friends. -No. 354 00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:48,406 They made the choice to text and drive. They were probably texting you. 355 00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:52,243 Okay, you joke, but now I'm gonna have to process that hypothetical guilt. 356 00:15:52,827 --> 00:15:55,037 As 51st District members, what are we gonna do? 357 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,248 I mean, can you imagine the damage that could happen 358 00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:00,168 if we let an unqualified lunatic into a position of power? 359 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:02,962 Well, it's working out okay for this school. 360 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:05,965 -Other places, not so much. -Somebody's got to challenge her. 361 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:07,675 Why don't you do it? 362 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,596 Wait, are you mocking me, or do you really think I could do it? 363 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,098 -Do what? -Uh-huh. 364 00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,934 You test my resolve, but maybe it could be me. 365 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:20,104 I mean, I do prefer grassroots localized elections over state, 366 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:22,190 and hell, I'll say it, even federal politics. 367 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,275 Okay, I'm gonna do it. 368 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,694 I have a campaign video to record. 369 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:31,407 Fellow teachers of the 51st District, my name is Jacob Hill, 370 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:32,867 and I am asking for your vote 371 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,953 for District Board of School Commissioners liaison representative. 372 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,206 [exclaims, chuckles] 373 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,708 If little Jacob could see me now, he would be thrilled. 374 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,711 And then, he'd be like, "We're gay? Do we have a boyfriend? 375 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,046 Is he hot? Tell me everything." 376 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,714 And I'd be like, "Oh, my God, he's hot. 377 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,341 You have no idea how hot he is." And-- 378 00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,551 [Slim] So that's a long way of saying no. 379 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,554 Texting while doing drugs isn't technically illegal-- 380 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,848 Well, the drugs part absolutely is. 381 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:59,018 -[Robinson] And I know this isn't… -Where have you been, Janine? 382 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:02,647 I have been looking for somebody, anybody, to help me with my dreams. 383 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:08,444 Okay, so now, what does it mean if your teeth are falling out of my mouth? 384 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,696 -Well, first of all, Barb-- -[Harold tuts] 385 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:14,242 Lady, please, I'm-I'm trying to do something here! 386 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:17,787 Why don't you go sit with the other irresponsible teacher in the back? 387 00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,917 [whispering] Analyzing dreams with Barb… 388 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,210 that is my dream. 389 00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,921 Safety Day is a nightmare!!! 390 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:29,840 [Slim] Life is random as hell. 391 00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:32,677 I have a friend who died when a helicopter landed on his head. 392 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,137 [Robinson] Is it possible you maybe hallucinated this situation 393 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:36,806 while under the influence of drugs? 394 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,140 [Slim] No, I know what I saw. 395 00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,518 Yo. Captain. 396 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,771 Hey, come on. 397 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,314 Hey, hey, hey, slow down, slow down. 398 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,941 -Who me? -Yeah. 399 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,485 I thought me slowing down was creeping you out, Melissa. 400 00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:52,947 Listen, I'm sorry I was weird about the promotion, okay? 401 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,741 It's just… you and me, we're fun. 402 00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:57,785 I never know what we're gonna get up to next. 403 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,453 That's what I love about us. 404 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:00,788 You know, I just… 405 00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:02,415 I don't want that to change. 406 00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:05,543 [sighs] My crazy ass ain't changing. 407 00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,754 It's just gonna be in a better chair, 408 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,047 making more money… 409 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,967 that I was thinking about blowing on a Harley. 410 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:14,594 -Really? -Yeah, really. 411 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:17,471 -What do you think this is for? -Oh, yeah. Okay, hell yeah. 412 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,725 -I look great taking my helmet off. -You look great doing everything. 413 00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:25,313 Congratulations on your promotion. 414 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,064 I'm really proud of you. 415 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,358 And I should have led with that. 416 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,027 Chief. 417 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:35,906 [sighs] You're nuts, you know that? 418 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,575 -Yeah, now you're getting it. -[Robinson chuckles] 419 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:43,664 Eventually, I am flying over what seems to be the Divine Lorraine building, 420 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:46,000 but different, and then I wake up. 421 00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,252 -You said flying? -Yes. 422 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,588 Yeah, that sounds like a little more than melatonin. 423 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:53,299 Yeah, but I thought that with your studies in hallucinations 424 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:56,510 that you might be able to help me understand what it means. 425 00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:57,970 I actually gotta go. 426 00:18:58,054 --> 00:19:00,473 -Yeah, but-- -I got somewhere to be at 4:20, so… 427 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,350 Ms. Howard, you were flying? 428 00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:06,270 Yes, in a dream, which is something that nobody wants to hear about. 429 00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,814 -We wanna hear about it. -Really? 430 00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:12,818 Okay, let me set the scene. 431 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:19,158 So, I am free-falling, and have been for 20, 30 minutes, 432 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,494 and I don't know what it means. 433 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,580 Maybe you're worried you're gonna fall off the bed. 434 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,751 [Barbara] Wow. 435 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,504 Can I run another one by you? 436 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:34,090 [Jacob] Circles and X's? They're probably gonna know… 437 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,966 Oh, no. 438 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:38,427 Schwartz? I thought you were under a conservatorship. 439 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,512 Not anymore. 440 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:41,847 I came down because I saw that campaign video 441 00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,557 that you posted on the district website, 442 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,726 and I just wanted to tell you that you screwed up, 443 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:49,355 because it says that you're running for that thing that I'm running for. 444 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:52,358 Well, the only thing screwed up is your election chances. 445 00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:53,693 I am running against you 446 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:57,321 for 51st District Board of School Commissioners liaison representative. 447 00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:58,906 Ew. Who told you to do that? 448 00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:03,202 -Good for you, Jacob. -[yelling] 449 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,079 Hey, why? 450 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,707 Because you are completely unqualified for the position. 451 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:08,999 Who cares? 452 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,001 Me. And… [scoffs] 453 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:14,880 I cannot, in good conscience, let you take that seat without a fair fight. 454 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,341 Well, then, good luck, chump. 455 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,386 Because I always get into fights at the fair. 456 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,263 That's… 457 00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:24,849 Oof. 458 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,892 She looks great. [chuckles] 459 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:29,770 Getting out of this school was the best thing that ever happened to her. 460 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,188 Jacob, I'm very proud of you. 461 00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:35,025 Even though, sweetheart, I have no idea what that position is. 462 00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:37,903 Where have you been all day? He's running for Mayor of Area 51. 463 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:40,072 He's probably gonna be assassinated for it. 464 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,991 -[Barbara gasps] -[Jacob] Okay. 465 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,284 [Barbara] Mmm. 466 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,244 [imitates gun] 467 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,040 All right, done for the day. 468 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:52,209 I can get those pinnies back and you can talk now. 469 00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:53,335 Not that you ever stopped. 470 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:55,838 Actually, I think we're okay being silent. Just-- 471 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:59,341 Whoo! Damn. Okay. I've been waiting to answer that "would you rather" all day. 472 00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,219 If I had to go to the bathroom all the time, but I was a superhero. 473 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,389 One, how badly do I need to go? Two, is it number one or number two? 474 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,016 Uh… Hmm. 475 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:08,976 Also, you've been wearing mismatched socks. 476 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:10,561 Oh, no, those were on purpose. [chuckles] 477 00:21:10,644 --> 00:21:12,563 Oh, my goodness, these are the wrong socks. 478 00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,608 -You still here? -I just need to get the other-- 479 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,859 Shh! 480 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:21,280 -Wow. -Okay, number one, 481 00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,325 -but with the threat of two. -[clicks tongue] I've been there.